Here's a belated reprint of an article I wrote for the 9th edition of Power and Glory magazine (don't ask) a couple of years ago. I just re-read the website, and I decided that it deserves another plug - somewhere it might actually be read. So, prepare to be entertained by "An article I never bothered giving a title to"
So, what's the greatest Australian TV series in history? Blue Heelers? Water Rats? Blankety Blanks? You'd be wrong if you said any of those because there is no better show than...
Yes that's right, It's a Knockout - the show which pitted NSW, SA, Victoria and Queensland against each other (piss off WA and Tassie) in mortal combat to prove just which state was the most athletically superior. They even had a dog called "Combat"
It's a Knockout Web is the latest contender for greatest website ever, it's the only IAK site ever and it's packed full of more info than you can shake a huge cardboard joker at.
What other show would provide a gig for Ricky May (RIP), Jon English, Lisa Curry, Vince Sorrenti, Jackie Love, Ian Turpie and Cameron Daddo? Not to mention the great hosts Billy J Smith (often confused for Stan Zemanek) and the far more talented McDonald sister.
All the action took place in rural NSW in the official It's a Knockout Stadium, Dural (aka 'Mecca'). I always thought that it was Canberra's Bruce Stadium - but obviously the costs associated with finding large animal suits for numerous contestants meant the producers had to move the show to the country. Apparently the IAK Arena is now a soccer stadium, or somebodies driveway or something.
Our local heroes were the Box Hill crew, IAK Web describes them like this...
"Box Hill, captained by P.E. teacher bald guy Sam Daniels and V.C. Don Carmichael performed well in many events. Sam Daniels worked the winch well in "Bridge the gap" against Padthaway (SA). Box Hill was also robbed of victory in "Rollin Hoops" due to a questionable rolling "tactic" employed by the aforementioned team. Box Hill was unlucky in that it had to compete against Nareen in the Victorian division, which was unusually stiff competition. One often felt that Billy J.Smith's attitude to Box Hill's White Horse was not 100% serious."
When one contestant almost killed himself plumetting off the set whilst trying to stack columns from on top of a ladder teetering dangerously (left - ouch!) all Billy J would offer in the way of sympathy was "He's a physio, so he can give himself a rub down later" Let me remind at this point that IAK was (and still is..) indeed a family show.
The end was nigh when four weeks of celebrity specials appeared - Greg Evans, Shirley Strachan (RIP), Tim Watson, Jason Donovan, Kerri-Anne Kennerley, Tina Arena, Kylie Minogue and a bunch of people nobody's ever heard of put their bodies on the line in the name of charity. Victoria won twice (yes!) with Queensland and SA having one victory each. NSW were obviously very light on for celebrities with that 'Knockout' instinct.
There was even a board game, which I certainly had at some point and may even still by lying around somewhere where you could reconstruct the wacky behavior (provide your own airhorn) of the show in your own loungeroom. Many times the joker was played in the wrong event and I cost my state victory; but that was the beauty of It's A Knockout - could the contestant hold their nerve whilst trying to ride a comedy sized horse with a teammate inside over a slippery mat with double points on the line? More often than not the answer was no.
Box Hill may have been the greatest team to appear on the show, by virtue of their close proximity to Camberwell but the world famous, universally acknowledged most useless team in the history of the show was everyone's favourite suburb Frankston. They finished last in every event, scored no points and disgraced our entire state. No surprises that they were led by a tattooed truck-driver and a part-time hardware salesman who claimed to run 2km a day yet still finished last in a 39 second running race and was out of breath. Frauds!
Perhaps the second greatest Victorian entrants were Vermont, IAK Web tells the tale of their demise..
"A tragic downfall of Vermont occurred in the "Heckle and Jeckle" when captain Velcek was unable to get across the monkey bars, consequently not getting his corn-on-the-cob, thus finishing last and wasting his team's joker."
Other notable Victorian entries included Nareen, Portland, Eltham, Benalla, Preston and Mordialloc. But none of them were as good as the mighty Box Hill with their horsey mascot. Interstate heroes such as the Kingaroy Peanuts, Woodville and Umina clearly failed to reach the high standards of any of our entrants. Except Frankston, because as we now know they were completely crap.
IAK (the repeats anyway) was a cult show when I was in the early years of High School so imagine the joy when viewing one early Saturday morning - I had something to get up for then - and our PE teacher showed up, doing his bit for Victoria. Much hilarity ensued when cost his team the entire competition by failing to make it through a tunnel in a frog suit, thus handing victory to South Australia by the narrowest of margins. He never commanded the respect of our class ever again.
Of course it wasn't all downhill for "Shaggs" Naughton - as you can see in the picture to the left he played his joker with supreme precision and earned the state 8 points after winning "Bumbling Bees" But to us his earlier triumphs meant nothing as he'd given South Australia the title with his poor command of the Frog Suit.
The genius of IAK is too great to compress into one measly article, you must see the website to appreciate the full beauty of it. Someone should write a book about the show I tell you - it would be the highest seller in the history of literature.
In the distance you can hear the sound of the cheer and the laugh and the roar of the crowd
You can feel the expectation, and the wild jubilation and the shouting the winners names aloud
'Cos it's the greatest game in town, and it's the craziest fun around.
It's a Knockout! -- that's the name,
It's a Knockout! -- that's the game,
It's a Knockout! -- that's the name of the game!
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