Friday, 3 December 2004

Bizarre DVD extra action

In the extras of the John Safran vs God DVD there’s footage of him at a first aid class run by a terrifyingly stern woman who just yells at him for five minutes. I was right at the end and not taking much notice anymore when I heard this evil voice emanating from my television. “Surely it couldn’t be” I thought. But sadly when they finally showed her on camera it was true. The evil first aid woman who went me in a work related class almost two years ago had not only resurfaced but she’s made it into the media before I had. How depressing.

The highlight of our class (basically her yelling at us for an entire day) was when she said that you can’t physically swallow your tongue, I said words to the effect of “But I’ve seen on this..” and she just shot me down for a couple of minutes and then went “Alright?” Clearly beaten by the power of first aid lunacy I attempted to concede, saying “No, you’re the expert I believe you”. She thought I was being a smartarse and turned on me for the best of five minutes as I attempted to extracate myself from the mess I’d gotten into. Eventually she gave up and started yelling at us for killing the CPR dummies instead.

Disgraceful. How come she’s worthy of fame and I’m not?*

* Yes, I am aware that being buried in the very last extra of a disc that’s not going to be seen outside of Australia hardly constitutes ‘fame’. But it’s better than anything I’ve managed yet.

Thursday, 2 December 2004

I love the smell of Napalm in Fallujah

“… smells like victory”

Unless of course you’re involved in a bloody guerilla war where the chances of ever being able to confidently declare a total victory are somewhere between extremely little and absolutely fricking none.

Now before you read this article please note that I’m not vouching for it’s validity. Might be complete bollox or a top exclusive for all I know. We report, you decide. Given that’s it’s by the Sunday Mirror whose top story at this very moment is entitled “NANCY PORN VIDEO SHOCK” (Sorell, not Reagan or Sinatra for you perverts interested in that sort of thing) and who have in the past provided us with such genius as “THE KILLER EMAIL” I’m inclined to think they’re talking out of their asses.

US troops are secretly using outlawed napalm gas to wipe out remaining insurgents in and around Fallujah.

News that President George W. Bush has sanctioned the use of napalm, a deadly cocktail of polystyrene and jet fuel banned by the United Nations in 1980, will stun governments around the world.

And last night Tony Blair was dragged into the row as furious Labour MPs demanded he face the Commons over it. Reports claim that innocent civilians have died in napalm attacks, which turn victims into human fireballs as the gel bonds flames to flesh.

Outraged critics have also demanded that Mr Blair threatens to withdraw British troops from Iraq unless the US abandons one of the world’s most reviled weapons. Halifax Labour MP Alice Mahon said: “I am calling on Mr Blair to make an emergency statement to the Commons to explain why this is happening. It begs the question: ‘Did we know about this hideous weapon’s use in Iraq?’”

Since the American assault on Fallujah there have been reports of “melted” corpses, which appeared to have napalm injuries.

Last August the US was forced to admit using the gas in Iraq.

A 1980 UN convention banned the use of napalm against civilians - after pictures of a naked girl victim fleeing in Vietnam shocked the world.

America, which didn’t ratify the treaty, is the only country in the world still using the weapon.

Now like I said I’m deeply suspicious of such wild allegations from such a shithouse publication but if by some colossal fluke it’s actually proved true I’ll officially close down that 20% of sympathy and support I had left for the whole mission.

Odd how I’ve wavered on that sort of thing. I’d hazard a guess that I was probably split 50/50 when it kicked off, jumped on the bandwagon and was all for it with some reservations once they toppled Saddam and have slowly slid back to almost no respect for it as it drags on endlessly. Mind you when people actually suggest that we should be happy that soldiers are getting killed because it makes the American government look like tits it causes more than a casually raised eyebrow here.

And that’s the closest to coherant political debate you’ll get from me.

Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell*

* Title = nothing to do with the post. Just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Can you spot the filler posting? Yes that’s right it’s been going on for the last two years. But the past couple of days have been even worse than normal. I’ve really got nothing to say. Insane paranoid rants about office Christmas parties are one thing but quality bloggage is another.

Thank god for the TSP 1000 (starting Saturday - music fans). That’s twenty days in a row of at least one cheap post per day covered. I was trying to write something remotely clever about each of the top 50 but my fatter-than-Elvis case of writers block and the fact that I can’t coherantly review music have conspired to screw that up. And I’m having a crisis moving things around the top 50.

Then there’s my car… [that’s quite enough for now - Editor]

Wednesday, 1 December 2004

Too much time on his hands

I had a totally random thought today (actually I had two - the Captain in Captain and Tenille’s real name was apparently Daryl Dragon. I even looked it up). I’ve never been to a christening in my life - thanks to my family being godless heathens - but if I ever was forced to go to one I’d be very disappointed if there wasn’t a random series of murders taking place around the city at the same time a la The Godfather. Just wouldn’t be worth it otherwise. A bit of “Do you renounce Satan?” at the same time as another Melbourne underworld figure is blown up in the Eltham RSL would be super.*

Of course the fact that I was sitting around in Camberwell for five freaking hours waiting for my car to be fixed probably contributed to the air of random thought. And then some idiots sent over the wrong part and it couldn’t be done until tomorrow.

* Of course I renounce nothing. When the whole religious thing is proved true I’m fucked.

Japan. Nation of wankers

Chances are that if you are a male aged 16-60 and you tour Japan now that you WILL GET LAID.

Japanese condom sales are sagging as a passion for the Internet leads the Japanese to choose unprotected sex, if any sex at all, the nation’s largest condom manufacturer said ahead of World Aids Day.

Domestic shipments have shriveled 43 percent from the peak in 1980 of 737 million to just 419 million condoms in 2003, according to the latest health ministry data.

Industry experts said omnipresent pornography in the hi-tech country meant fewer people were having sex — and among those who still are, fewer are using condoms.

“Since the advent of the broadband Internet in Japan, people can connect the entire night without having any extra charges,” said a spokeswoman for top condom maker Okamoto Industries.

“Those people who cannot break away from their computers are not able to have sex,” she said.

Gentlemen, according to Webjet a return flight from Melbourne to Tokyo on Qantas Airlines currently costs $2229. Book now to avoid disappointment.

Friday, 30 January 2004

Woman, bring me my gun.

I'll leave aside highlights including the use of the terms "jocks" and "geeks" in a non-ironic fashion in scenes reminiscent of several Molly Ringwald films of the 1980's and the hillarious revelation that one of the guys wants to "bone" some tart who the girl absolutely hates. How rude.

Anyway, the tragically classic moment for me - and when I really started taking notice and neglecting the classy and highbrow soccer magazine I was reading - was when Bogans A and B and the Skank (he of the Pepperoni facial features) had a conversation that went something like this:

A"We're going to tape the Superbowl Sunday on Sunday, try not to find out the score and get totally pissed when we watch it next weekend"
Skank"What's that? Is it Baseball?"
B"Duh, it's GRIDIRON"
... uncomfortable silence
B"Umm. who's playing?"
A"It's Phoenix and somebody I think"
B"Oh yeah, the Eagles and somebody"
Adam"It's Carolina vs New England actually
Adam goes back to reading magazine, attempting not to jump up and headbutt Bogan A
A"Anyway, it's great. We're going to get TOTALLY PISSED!"

What a harrowing moment.

This is why I'll never have children. If they were like this I'd probably drown them or something.


Penthouse go softcore in attempt to stave off impending financial doom.

Penthouse, which hit the skids and went bankrupt after going hard-core, is being cleaned up for a $50 million makeover and relaunch this autumn.
The new version will dump its X-rated fare in favor of more tasteful and sensual layouts reminiscent of its heyday in the 1980s.

Give it up. The internet has rolled you and you're not coming back. Open a XXX website featuring women and horses live from Stockholm and start counting the dollars.

Legend. Dead set legend.

I've never met the guy who lives two doors down from me but I'm firmly convinced that he's a hero. I didn't think anybody else listened to as unfashionable music as I did but he does - and at a volume that may or may not be 11 too.

Today's playlist that I heard on the way to and from doing my laundry;
* Cars - Gary Numan
* Poison Arrow - ABC
* Safety Dance - Men Without Hats

Seriously, if he ends up being gay I'm turning.

And shove your lifestyle programs too

It doesn't look like Channel 7 are going to give me the job I applied for there - and if they suddenly decide to I can always delete this post - so it's safe again for me to start sledging them.

The ad for that film "Duets" proudly trumpets that it's the "Only first run movie on Sunday night!" That's wonderful, but it doesn't cover up the fact that it's complete shit and allows Gwyneth Paltrow to sing. Which, face it, was just wrong.

They're really going the wrong way about trying to plug the catastrophic gap in the ratings. What's the right way then? Fucked if I know - give me a seven figure salary and I'll try and work it out for you.

Duh duh duh

Meanwhile have I ever told you how much I HATE generic ringtones? Hand over $5 and get yourself something decent and stop torturing us with the same shit everybody else uses.

There's four or five that at least one person has on every street corner of the city and it SHITS ME UP THE WALL. Make your own fucking ringtone if you have to, it might sound shit but at least it's unique. You can stand there on a train in the morning, hear one generic tone go off and see 20 people dive for their phones. Rubbish.

Thursday, 29 January 2004

Post Count 0

Bad day. No post. Etc.

Wednesday, 28 January 2004

I annoint thee

Kerry wins New Hampshire. Stick a fork in this one, it's done. Nobody has lost the whole thing after winning Iowa and NH since 1952 - and that was before mass television and the internet were around to give early round losers the 'rub'.

I'd still prefer Dean but Kerry will do. Anybody's better than the guy in there at the moment...

Tuesday, 27 January 2004

Giant chicken robs store

I'd heard about this story before - but this one's got a PICTURE goddammit.

Police said Friday that they arrested a man who allegedly wore a chicken suit while robbing a Kroger grocery store in early January in Columbus.

Donald Haines, 39, of Hilliard, was charged with one count of aggravated robbery. He may face additional charges stemming from a robbery during which the suspect wore a Santa Claus costume to rob a Polaris-area grocery store. 

Oh Chicken Man, what crazy exploits will you get up to next? Something involving a 400 pound transsexual cellmate you'd think.

Going out for a Kentucky

Owing to the fact that I foolishly declared that shopping could wait another day my fridge currently consists entirely of half a tub of butter and a thing of cream one day from going off (and not in the "FULLY SICK" sense) I suddenly became aware of the urgent need to eat something - anything - before I started having visions of my television as a sandwich.

Highlights of my fifteen minute trip were
* Seeing the world's ugliest prostitute actually picking up. Clearly she had the advantage of standing on a dark corner but you still wouldn't even if it was free.
* Buying pieces of rubbery chicken from the world's greatest fast food restuarant "Hungry Time" - which in an indication of the glamourous reputation it's starting to achieve thanks to my endorsement is currently employing an absolute STUNNER as it's Chicken Technician. Aoorgah!
* A dero on Fitzroy Street start to ask me for money but give up and change to somebody else far more sympathetic looking halfway through.
* Hearing a carload of pissed yokels driving past a nightclub and yelling "Hey ladies. Show us your tits!" in the most hopeful request in the history of western civilisation.
* Having a different carload of pissed yokels scream "Faggot!" at me as I walked back up the street stuffing my face with said chicken. I wouldn't think too many Male hookers would go around wearing a Wests Tigers jersey whilst stuffing their face with fast food and expect to turn even the smallest profit but what would I know?
* Seeing the worst bumper sticker in the world. "Einstein Was Born At Home!" So what? Doesn't mean that if you have your child at home he/she isn't going to turn out to be a whinging little goth who tries to overdose on the deadly combination of Panadol and Diet Coke when they're not allowed to go the Big Day Out. Stupid people.

Then it was over. Another classy night in the heart of the sleaze district. I love it.

Accidental terrorist

She almost ended up in Camp X-Ray.

A Denver-bound woman managed to pass through security screening at LaGuardia Airport in New York with a stun gun and knife in her purse Saturday... most of the way to Denver, she reached into her purse and realized she had brought weapons on board. 'She immediately went, "Oh, my God, I'm not supposed to have these here," and called the flight attendant over,' Bennett said... Transportation Security Administration officials had no comment on how she was able to get past LaGuardia security. Darrin Kayser, a TSA official, said the agency will look into the incident."

Why was she carrying a knife and stun gun around anyway?

Doesn't need any explanation really

Mad. The lot of them.

"The abstinence movement is flourishing in America... it is clear that the conservative Christian morality of President Bush is finding its way into legislation that promotes abstinence. The Bush administration gave $120m to abstinence organisations last year... in a moment of quietness, Denny confides that he believes that the end of the world is nigh and that Christ will return within a generation. And so where does abstinence fit into that vision? Well, abstinence, he says, is a tool to reach young people for God, safeguarding them for the Second Coming."

If Jesus DID come back (hah, bear with me here) he'd probably smack these kids around the head and go "What are you doing? Love thy neighbour!" or something. Of course it'd all be in the language of that Mel Gibson movie so we wouldn't understand it.

I wager 30 quatlons on the newcomer

Isn't technology great? have devised a new sport that they'd like to tell you all about. This article currently appears under the "tennis" section of the site.

Carl Ungerer: ALP must get behind US shield
January 27, 2004

THE issue of Australian participation in US missile defence plans continues to divide political parties in both countries. Opponents of missile defence, usually from the Left, complain that it is too expensive, operationally uncertain and potentially destabilising. Supporters, mostly from the Right, argue that missile defence is needed because of a gathering long-term threat from countries such as North Korea and Iran.

I tend to think that the Axis of Evil might sneak the first set but the US rocket powered serve will be too strong for them in the end.

Monday, 26 January 2004

Are you a complete loser? Well stiff shit. Are you a RICH complete loser? Well you can have your PICK of the hot ladies!

IF $92,000 is not too high a price for a dream date, any Aussie bloke is sure to snap up a high-class lady with a BMW Z4, according to a new guide to "chick magnet" cars.

The sleek open-roofed two-seater rated tops in the "how to impress test", hailed as the machine for luring the most discerning, gorgeous women.

In a blow for Holden, test drivers said its Monaro CV8 muscle car had little success turning female heads, even though they definitely had the respect of other guys.

For those seeking a woman from the "burbs", or a petrolhead groupie, the Ford Falcon XR6 won the thumbs up.

According to the guide, a car is often the difference between grabbing attention and being ignored.
"Like it or not, the vehicle you drive is an indispensable part of public image," researcher Antony Otera said.

Or, of course, you could go after a woman who you actually LIKE rather than a vapid, golddigging tart with a huge rack. But who am I to argue with a great Australian tradition?

Somewhere Bob Hawke laughs

Bill Gates pledges that by 2006 no child shall be spammed by generic Viagra ads.

A spam-free world by 2006? That's what Microsoft chairman Bill Gates is promising.

"Two years from now, spam will be solved," he told a select group of World Economic Forum participants in Davis, Switzerland. Gates said his company is working on a "magic solution" based on the concept of "proof" - identifying the sender of the e-mail.

Good luck pal. You've no chance.

Get em on

Christianity and nudity. Together (officially) at last.

The first nudist resort created primarily for Christians in the United States is due to open in Florida and its co-founder claims that he can provide passages in the Bible where nudity is prominently mentioned.

"Depending on the version of the Bible you use, there are as many as 40 passages that refer to nudity," said Bill Martin, co-founder of Natura, which will be the first Christianity-themed nudist colony in the country when it opens in a Tampa suburb in April.

Try and guess when the first holy holy holyman will be busted for volunteering to take his youth group there.

And I love the 'depending on the version of bible' quote. Give me ten minutes and a fat cheque and I'll write you a bible that says it's ok to headbutt parking inspectors. Then you'll all be happy.

BEWARE: Story linked to contains a small picture of a saggy assed old man running around butt naked. Unless this is your thing (and if it is please investigate the possibilities of euthanasia) steer clear!

Jim McMahon is still mad

Ladies and gentlemen. The most sensational piece of sports marketing ever. So awful it's funny. I present to you the 1985 Chicago Bears in "The Superbowl Shuffle"

We're the Bears Shufflin' Crew.
Shufflin' on down, doin' it for you.
We're so bad we know we're good.
Blowin' your mind like we knew we would.
You know we're just struttin' for fun
Struttin' our stuff for everyone.
We're not here to start no trouble.
We're just here to do the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Well, they call me Sweetness,
and I like to dance.
Runnin' the ball is like makin' romance
We've had the goal since training camp
To give Chicago a Super Bowl Champ.
And we're not doing this because we're greedy.
The Bears are doin' it to feed the needy.
We didn't come here to look for trouble,
We just came here to do
The Superbowl Shuffle.
This is Speedy Willie, and I'm world class.
I like runnin', but I love to get the pass.
I practice all day and dance all night,
I got to get ready for the Sunday fight.
Now I'm smooth as a chocolate swirl,
I dance a little funky, so watch me girl.
There's no one here that does it like me,
My Superbowl Shuffle will set you free.
I'm Samurai Mike. I stop 'em cold.
Part of the defense, big and bold.
I've been jammin' for quite a while,
Doin' what's right and settin' the style.
Give me a chance , I'll rock you good,
Nobody messin' in my neighborhood.
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came to do the Superbowl Shuffle.
I'm the punky QB, known as McMahon.
When I hit the turf, I've got no plan.
I just throw my body all over the field.
I can't dance, but, I can throw the pill.
I motivate the cats, I like to tease.
I play so cool, I aim to please.
That's why you all got here on the double,
To catch me doin' the Superbowl Shuffle.
I'm mama's boy Otis, one of a kind.
The ladies all love me
For my body and my mind.
I'm slick on the floor as I can be.
But ain't no sucker gonna get past me.
Some guys are jealous
Of my style and class.
That's why some end up on their (bleep).
I didn't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just get down to the Superbowl Shuffle.
They say Jimbo is our man.
If he can't do it, I sure can.
This is Steve, and it's no wonder.
I run like lightnin', pass like thunder.
So bring on Atlanta, bring on Dallas.
This is for Mike and Papa Bear Halas.
I'm not here to feather this ruffle,
I just came here to do
The Superbowl Shuffle.
I'm L.A. Mike and I play it cool.
They don't sneak by me 'cause I'm no fool.
I fly on the field and get on down.
Everybody knows I don't mess around.
I can break 'em, shake 'em,
Any time of day.
I like to steal it and make 'em pay.
So please don't try to beat my hustle,
'Cause I'm just here to do
The Superbowl Shuffle.
The sackman's comin', I'm your man Dent.
If the quarterback's slow,
He's gonna get bent.
We stop the run, we stop the pass.
I like to dump guys on their (bleep).
We love to play for the world's best fans.
You better start makin'
Your Superbowl plans.
But don't get ready or go to any trouble,
Unless you practice
The Superbowl Shuffle.
It's Gary here, I'm Mr. Clean.
They call me "hit man"
Don't know what they mean.
They throw it long and watch me run.
I'm on my man, one on one.
Buddy's guys cover it down to the bone.
That's why they call us the 46 zone.
Come on everybody, let's scream and yell.
We're goin' to do the Shuffle,
Then ring your bell.
You're lookin' at the Fridge,
I'm the rookie.
I may be large, but I'm no dumb cookie.
You've seen me hit, you've seen me run.
When I kick and pass, we'll have more fun.
I can dance, you will see.
The others, they all learn from me.
I don't come here lookin' for trouble,
I just came here to do
The Superbowl Shuffle!

It might lose something in the translation but it's almost the silliest thing I've ever seen on television. And I'm only 19 years late in blogging it too.

Sunday, 25 January 2004

These kids need a dose of military service

I caught the very start and end of the Triple J Hottest 100 on either side of work today. Sure, I don't even listen to the station but it's, like, a tradition or some shit like that now. Anyway, none of the songs I voted for managed to crack the top or bottom ten so we'll just assume they didn't make it at all until I see a complete list.

Anyway, I've noticed that every year there's a bandwagon song that's released in the month of the poll and takes a position far higher than it would have achieved were it released six months earlier. I've never been a big Smashing Pumpkins fan - in fact I've hardly been a small fan either - but if "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" was a #2 behind fucking "Wonderwall" in 1995 I'll be the proverbial monkey's uncle. That's when I turned on the station - I haven't listened to it for more than a few minutes at a time since. What a top 10 that year though - two TISM songs, Custard and Everclear. Shame about the Coolio/Presidents of the USA/Bjork rubbish, but we'll ignore that.

But I digress. This years flavor of the month song was Hey Ya! by Outkast. Now, I like it. I really do. As previously discussed it's the first ARIA chart #1 song I've liked in 18 months. It might potentially even be the best song of the year but you can't tell me it would have cracked the top 10 if it had been released in May. Incidentally the #1 was "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet. Which means at least
75% of this year's top spot rightfully belongs to one Mr. Iggy Pop who that song was shamelessly ripped off from.

UPDATE - The only two songs I voted for that made it.
33: Gay Bar - Electric Six (Don't get any ideas..)
28: Danger! (High Voltage) Electric Six and Jack White

And where, pray tell, was Red Morning Light by Kings of Leon? You people voted the Cat fucking Empire into the top 10 but no room for this? I'll see you all in a year.

Dear TV Execs.

Now I hate these Idol shows but I've realised that the 'selection process' shows where they just show an hour of judges ripping the piss out of complete bogans in a small room are sensational viewing.

If you could possibly organise it for there to a be a show that consists ENTIRELY of hanging shit on the untalented and watching them throw massive tantrums I'd be there, front row central, every week. Just cut out the bit where you select the good singers and they fight for the right to release a middle-of-the-road wankfest song that 3MP rejected for being too pissweak and you'd have a great product.

I suggest it be titled "You're Shit And You Know You Are" and that only people who are deadly serious in thinking they're good are allowed in. The most pretentious win prizes and become national celebrities.

Oh my god

Speaking of television - we're used to the TV networks ripping each other off left, right and centre but Channel 10 have finally elevated the art to a new level.

The Block had a gay couple and rated through the roof. Gav and Waz became national celebrities - for about ten minutes.

Ten, not to be outdone, have come up with their own two dollar knock-off show on the same topic and they've found something to top the gay male couple. A couple of hot lesbians. No really. Possibly the most stupid and cynical thing I've seen in many years of obsessive television watching. They may as well just call the program "Hey Males 18-50. Watch this show because the two blondes chicks might MAKE OUT! OMG! WTF! CIA!". I can't even begin to think about the thought process that lead to this fraud.

I want a run a poll. How long before the Hot Lesbian Action (HLA) couple are revealed as complete fakes? Go on, try and guess. The show will probably be axed after about forty minutes so you'll have to get in quickly.

Cue 5000 letters to the TV Guide bemoaning the 'promotion' of lesbianism on television. Personally I'd rather write in and bemoan the fact that whoever is running Ten DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING ORIGINAL IDEA IN HIS/HER HEAD.

Instant Replay

Steve Waugh = Australian of the Year.

RECENTLY retired Test captain Steve Waugh was today named Australian of the Year for 2004.

Prime Minister John Howard made the announcement in Canberra tonight, but Waugh was in Perth playing cricket for NSW in the Pura Cup match against Western Australia. In a video statement from Perth, Waugh apologised for not being at the event and said he was humbled and honoured to win.

"Simply, thank you for the honour," he said.

Great player. Good captain. Probably an all around nice guy. But do we think that there's any danger that this award might actually go to somebody who has done something important in the community one of these years?

Others nominated for the Australian of the Year award were Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, burns expert Dr Fiona Wood, medical researcher Judith Whitworth, Aboriginal Legal Service lawyer Patricia Miller, campaigner against child abuse Bernadette McMenamin, businessman and community leader Michael Kent, and children's author Mem Fox.

Now Steve Irwin, irritating TV guy and serial baby dangler might not be the best replacement if the winner isn't able to fulfill his duties but what's wrong with the rest of them? Medical researcher Judith Whitworth and burns expert Dr Fiona Wood may never have hit a hundred in the backyard at mums let alone one at the SCG but surely their contributions are more important in the long term? It's no wonder people actually pay credit to that watery bint Germaine Greer when she writes articles sledging us for being a nation of sports obsessed bogans. You'd almost start to agree after seeing Taylor, Freeman, Rafter and now Waugh winning this in the last few years.

On the upside you should probably have money on Ricky Ponting winning the thing in 2008 right now.

Meanwhile I notice my nomination happens to have been misplaced again. You'll get it right next year won't you?

Eye of the Wagon

Now I'd forgotten this was even on this weekend - but I'm a member, I've got the replica shirt and I love to jump aboard when my teams are winning. On that note,

WESTS TIGERS defied the odds to claim their first World Sevens rugby league title with an 18-7 final win over defending champions Parramatta at Aussie Stadium today.

The rank outsiders only squeezed into the finals thanks to a 43-14 win over Souths in their final pool game this morning but led all the way in the decider to claim the $100,000 winners' cheque.

Tigers newcomer Scott Sattler – Penrith's grand final hero – was named player of the tournament.

Go team!

And meanwhile a huge hand (possibly delivered in the form of a punch to the head) to Channel Nine's Melbourne department who - instead of highlights of the tournament - have decided to screen the following program in the middle of the night tonight/tomorrow morning.

The Storm (60 mins , Rated: G)
Genre: Documentary

Join world famous surf tracker Mike Perry and his lifelong obsession with global wave activity as he leads a pursuit of mother nature's biggest wave maker - The Storm.

Now colossal amounts of cocaine and the continual hiring of barely legal teenage hookers will do this to a television executive but you'd assume that the thousands of emails they get demanding they show "more of the Storm" actually meant that the punters of Victoria want to see increased coverage of the NRL and not pissy nature documentaries featuring people having a massive toss over Mother Nature. Criminals.

And now Seven are the only commerical network I haven't sledged tonight. The evening is young though.

Crazy Americans

When a spy tells you of impending doom it's probably best not to sit there and go "That'll never work!"

The United States was warned of impending September 11 terrorist attacks by an Iranian spy, but ignored him, German secret service agents testified yesterday in the trial of an alleged al-Qaida terrorist. The spy, identified as Hamid Reza Zakeri, tried to warn the CIA after leaving Iran in 2001, but was not believed, two German officers who interviewed him told the Hamburg court... The testimony at the Hamburg trial could heap more embarrassment on the US state department and secret services, which have denied allegations that they were forewarned of the attacks. The White House and US intelligence agencies have been plagued by accusations of a catastrophic failure since the four planes were hijacked to such devastating effect in 2001.

Imagine that. Flying planes into buildings. Wherever do these spies come up with such ZANY ideas?


First it was Winston Churchill and his bloody non-existant parrot - and now this. Where do I get a job working for an English tabloid? I've got thousands of ideas for fake stories involving Japanese tourists, Swedish prostitutes, large pieces of fruit and hospital emergency wards. I also have a habit of randomly writing words in CAPITAL LETTERS, a fetish which these newspapers seem to encourage.

A student is so hard up she has decided to make the ultimate sacrifice... she is selling her virginity to the highest bidder on the internet... Rosie is even willing to sleep with a man despite it being abhorrent to her - she is a LESBIAN. But she would rather prostitute herself than see her studies suffer... Her posting, which ran alongside ads for secondhand cars and unwanted furniture, read: 'Eighteen-year-old university student looking to sell virginity. Never lost it due to lesbianism. Will 
bung in free massage if you are any good. Picture on request.'

Apparently it's on Ebay. Good luck finding it. Even if it really did exist she "placed her ad on the popular eBay website earlier this month." Now the UK Ebay might be different but isn't it true that on our one the longest you can have an auction go for is ten days? If this is the case shouldn't she have already seen the cash, plonked some lucky (?) bogan and flogged the story to the tabloids for even more cash by now?

There's a photo in the article - you decide how much you'd pay to do her. I'd hate to be rude but I'd pass personally. Ladies please note that you can have it for free! Happy days.

UPDATE - Apparently it was 'removed' from Ebay which is a bit convenient isn't it?

UPDATE 2 - I sold my soul on Ebay for $13.50 once. I must do it again soon.

Saturday, 24 January 2004

And they're off

Try and guess how many weeks it takes for Popstars Live to crash into single digit ratings. I give it a month tops.

And won't good ol' Scott Cain be sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring to ask him to release another single. Don't hold your breath matey!

Swing the axe

It's official, TV producers have finally run out of good names for their shows..

Oxygen has ordered eight episodes of "My Best Friend Is a Big Fat Slut," a comedy about two women trying to make it in Hollywood.

The deal, with producer Carsey-Werner-Mandabach, marks the female-skewing cable channel's first original scripted series. It is set for an April premiere.

Originally titled "My Roommate Is a Big Fat Slut," the show chronicles the lives and loves of Jane (Joy Gohring) and Marjorie (Bree Turner), two twentysomething Minnesota transplants to Los Angeles who are pursuing the glamorous Hollywood life. It was written by Claudia Lonow (ABC's "Less Than Perfect").

"We like to think of it as 'Friends' uncensored," said CWM principal Caryn Mandabach.

Maybe I'm just biased against anything on a television network with such a silly name (Oxygen? What the fuck is that?) but I shouldn't think we'll ever see this program here.

Get over it you bogans

Brett Lee hits a six and is the world's greatest sportsman again. When's he going to make up for the other 77 runs he copped against India in the last game?

Lee, whose place in the team was in doubt after he was smashed for 83 runs by India in Brisbane earlier in the week, avenged himself by scoring a vital 12 runs off nine balls, including a massive six which left Australia needing one run from the last two balls.

Get a room.

Meanwhile his "best of a bad bunch" performance yesterday is enough to ensure he's never doubted again apparently..

BRETT LEE consulted fast bowling mentor Dennis Lillee. He has spoken with captain Ricky Ponting and coach John Buchanan.

His fellow Australian fast bowlers have also worked with him closely. But as Allan Border pointed out this week it was up to Lee to emerge from the slump himself. And yesterday that's what he did.

Told to reassess his length, Lee responded to Ponting's bold shows of faith in handing him the new ball and then bringing him back to bowl the 50th over.

He struck immediately on both occasions dismissing Sourav Ganguly in the second over and Yuvraj Singh in the 50th. Lee regularly produced the mid-length delivery that his captain wanted and speeds in the high 140km/h range.

His fastest ball for the day was 147.7km/h.

Despite carrying the knowledge that he faced the axe from the Australian one-day side if he failed yesterday it was a smiling, more relaxed and animated Lee that turned up to the SCG.

He finished with 2-46 off nine overs including one no-ball and three wides and has done enough to retain his spot in the squad for the rest of the series. 

Australian selection policy = absolute joke. Damien Martyn will probably be taken outside and shot now because he's been shit and isn't from New South Wales. Something tells me that if his postcode was different and he had mass appeal to the bogans and dickheads he'd be sweet.

And Adam Gilchrist's 95? Well you'd be lucky to ever hear about that again after this MAN OF THE CENTURY performance.

Mr. Ban D Wagon

Last time I did the Presidential candidate match quiz thingy I got Al Sharpton. Which was interesting.
This time the results were - with suitability rating in brackets.

Kerry (100%)
Kucinich (98%) Until he pulls out
Sharpton (92%) As above
Clark (91%)
Dean (90%)
Edwards (85%)
Lieberman (78%)

and, erm,
Bush (12%)

So even the internet wants me to jump on the Kerry bandwagon. No!

See Melbourne and die

This story about the Melbourne CBD is rather interesting.

GANGS and drunks have made Flinders St station and Swanston St the most feared city spots for workers, shoppers and students.
And seven in 10 CBD visitors say they don't feel safe hitting the town on Saturday and Sunday nights, a City of Melbourne report reveals.

I don't think it's as bad as people make it out to be. I've walked around the city hundreds of times in the middle of the night and never had a problem - maybe I've been lucky but it's fairly obvious to me that the pissheads keep to themselves and the worst you're going to get from them is maybe some randomly shouted out abuse. Which I'm sure we can all deal with. And if you can't you can probably kick their asses because they're all so drunk.

Last night, though, I was walking from Swanston St to Russell and it struck me just how sleazy that section of shops is. Especially the KFC and the pub upstairs between it and the TAB. It's not 'dangerous' walking through there but it sure is ugly. Deploy the Bogan Inspector I say. You'd wipe out three quarters of the people in the city that way.

Get a room

We all know the Indian cricket fans are famous for doing signs in the best Engrish this side of Tokyo but there was a mystifying classic in the crowd tonight at the Adelaide Oval.
"India rocks like Guy"

Huh? They rock like the softest, most easy listening, musician since Neil Diamond and his Hot August Nights? That is NOT something to aspire to.

Actually I thought it said "India rocks Gay" at first - which would have been even more disturbing. But not by much.

It's all going horribly wrong

Howard Dean's campaign is rapidly going downhill...

Five days after his damaging third-place finish in the Iowa caucuses, Howard Dean said Saturday that the state should regulate discussion inside caucus rooms or lose its premier status in the presidential nomination process.

"I like the Iowa caucuses a lot and I think they should be first, but they have to have a process that is good for democracy," Dr. Dean said on his campaign bus as he headed to Dover, N.H., to knock on the doors of undecided voters. "The kind of stuff that's going on with the phone calls and all that under the table is not particularly good for democracy, and I didn't know it went on inside the caucuses. And if it does it should not be permitted."

Later, speaking after a packed forum at a picturesque coastal hotel here, Dr. Dean said he would not participate again unless the rules were changed to prohibit negative campaigning during the caucuses.

I still want him to win but he's going to blow the whole thing soon if he's not careful. Comedy speeches are one thing but what's all this about?

Thursday, 22 January 2004

Give it up

I thought it was uncomfortable listening the Channel 9 cricket commentary team, and especially Richie Benaud, trying to plug their network programming for the upcoming year but after Bruce McAvaney's efforts tonight on the tennis I'm declaring him the new champion of the awkward promo voice-over. He had no idea what he was doing plugging that "Paris Hilton not in a porno" TV show The Simple Life.

At least Seven don't use their Hawkeye "where did the ball go?" system to advertise their shows. How many times have you wanted to throw something at the screen when Nine deliberately throw to Hawkeye for no apparent reason just so you'll see the ad for "A Current Affair" in the background? Wankers.

Kill me

If I EVER publically express a desire to watch the film Something's Gotta Give I want to be subjected to involuntary euthanasia.

The idea of paying to watch Jack Nicholson plant one on hot women half his age makes me rather ill. Can't understand why.

UPDATE - And don't bother writing "but it's really good!" in the comments because unless they remove the cradle snatching old pervert moments from the film and skip straight to the love story with the old granny I'm not interested. And even then you can keep it.

Radio Update

Further to my post a couple of days ago about this new "all-sport" radio station, SEN...


(pointless waffle deleted)
A special cup has also been designed for the game which will be sponsored
by Melbourne's new sports radio station SEN 1116. In a move designed to
promote soccer and the station, South Melbourne and SEN are continuing to
develop a major strategic alliance into the future. "To have the
involvement of a radio media partner such as SEN will be great for South
and for soccer in general" said Patterson at today's announcement.

SEN Managing Director Danny Staffieri said, "SEN is looking forward to
Monday's celebration and the involvement of SEN in the Australia Day Cup
between two of soccer's real heavy weights". These two club will be vying
for the championship in a months time as the season gets to its business
end. We want to be part of this excitement and more broadly, a part of the
game's future development and growth" Stafferi went on to say.

"SEN has a commitment to all sport and a real and strong interest in
soccer. This is the start of what we believe will be a long and important
relationship for both organizations". Said Staffieri.

And with absolutely no relevance, but just because it amused me..

Thousands of Australian flags will be distributed to patrons on arrival
and the crowd will be invited to recite the Australia Day Affirmation with
each patron receiving a special card.

Which is great except for that big sign outside the ground saying that no national flags are allowed to be taken into the ground. Massive double standard that.

Anyway, back to SEN. I'm glad they're promoting themselves and not concentrating solely on the 'big' sports. This is hardly going to single handedly win them any ratings surveys but it's a positive sign. And a massive hand to whoever got Jason Akermanis to go on air and sledge the shit out of Steven Lawrence - that's one of the top publicity stunts I've seen in a long time. They've been all over the media after that one.

I've still not listened to it for a second so I don't know if it's any good or not, but I'm telling you that won't be what makes them rich or sink the entire operation. You can have 24 hours of sparkling wit and important information but if it's not what the public want you're goooooone.

X-Treme Hiking

This is what you get for tampering with nature,

Britain's biggest-selling hiking magazine apologized Wednesday after its latest issue contained a route that would lead climbers off the edge of a cliff on Britain's tallest peak.

Plummet damn you!

Real reason for Meldrum Visa drama revealed

Molly = terror. Do your own gag in the space provided below

U.S. security agents have a master list of five million people worldwide thought to be potential terrorists or criminals, officials say. "The U.S. lookout index contains some five million names of known terrorists and other persons representing a potential problem," Brian Davis, a senior Canadian immigration official in Paris, said in a confidential document obtained by the Sun.
Names on the list are compared against those applying for visas or on flights travelling to the U.S.
Anyone whose name is on the list is questioned or banned from entering the U.S. -- as passengers were on two British Airways flights to Los Angeles two weeks ago.

The master list was revealed by U.S. embassy officials to a Canadian standing immigration committee in April 2002. Its existence was revealed in Davis' document, obtained by Montreal lawyer Richard Kurland through an Access to Information request.

Kronic illness

Anti-Marijuana people - this is the news you've been waiting all your lives for!

A young man has died from cannabis poisoning after smoking around 23,000 joints. Experts believe Lee Maisey, 36, is the first Briton to die as a direct result of taking the drug... Lee smoked around six joints a day for 11 years, an inquest heard. A pal found him dead last August on the living room floor of the house they shared... The cause of Lee's death was listed as 'cannabis toxicity' after a post mortem revealed high levels in his blood... Cannabis has been linked to suicides and fatal accidents. But Lee's case is the first where it has been listed as a direct cause of death.

Now that's one confirmed grass-related death. It must be evil stuff! Lucky nobody's ever snuffed it from drinking alcohol or smoking 'normal' cigarettes have they?

* This blog does not condone the use of illicit substances. But it's not against them either. So do whatever the fuck you like and leave me out of it ok?

Wednesday, 21 January 2004

KBBL is gonna give me something stupid

When I was young I always used to get American edition Sports Illustrated magazines brought back from people at my mother's work who had travelled to the states. Strangely I never got the swimsuit issue which would seem to indicate that either there was some serious censorship going on or that these guys were pocketing them for 'later' use. Didn't really concern me, my opinion even then at that impressionable was "why would you buy a sports magazine to see half naked ladies?" Of course this is a good five years before the Internet became a reality for most of us so it was obviously much easier for guys to buy a copy of SI to knock one out to than to actually go to the newsagent and pick up a copy of "Top Heavy Over 40 Mature Jugs Readers Asian Wives" magazine so I guess it made sense somewhere. What they did the other eleven months of the year is a horrifying thought that I'd rather not entertain if it's all the same.

ANYWAY. The point is that I'd read these magazines and they'd always be talking about these all-sport 24/7 radio stations. They'd have dumbass Americanised names like WFAN and KSPORT but the concept was simple - talkin' sports all day, every day. Even in places like Indianapolis where they've only got two major league teams - what in gods name did these people discuss all day? I always wondered over the years whether an all-sports-all-day radio station would work - even in a massive sporting market like Melbourne - and I came to the conclusion that it simply wouldn't. Unless you have the rights to call AFL, cricket, racing and most of the other major games in town you're left with nothing but an entire day to fill with gab about these particular sports.

Melbourne has got Sport927, formerly known as 3UZ, but nobody is mad enough to try and pretend that it's anything but a racing channel with some token discussion of other sports thrown in during the hours when there's no gambling going on - we call it breakfast. And that's great for them because they don't need to fork over massive amounts of money to be part of the ratings circus. They know there's a core audience of people watching, and they've cut some mysterious deal that means their audio is played in most TAB's around the state. That's a massive potential audience to take and wave at any prospective advertiser.

Somebody is finally going to give it a bash though, and they're either going to make it or go down in a blaze of glory and spiralling financial debt. From yesterday morning the frequency formerly occupied by AM basketcase 3AK, 1116, is occupied by the "Sports Entertainment Network" whose slogan is simply "Let's talk sport". They've got a fairly decent lineup with Gary Lyon, Tim Watson, Bill Brownless, Kevin Bartlett, Francis Leach, Dermott Brereton, Anthony Hudson, Matt Hardy (the comedian, not the wrestler you'd assume), Tony Jones, Simon Marshall, James Hird, Shane Crawford, Leigh Colbert, Andrew Gaze, Scott Cummings, Russell Gilbert and Mark Doran but is it enough? Do people care enough to listen all day and make it an attractive proposition to sponsors? I seriously doubt it. A newspaper story the other day quoted a radio industry 'insider' as saying they need to at least pull a four percent share of the ratings just to break even - but usually when journalists quote 'insiders' they've just made the story up so believe what you will. I'm not sure if Sport927 actually make money or not but I'm sure I'd rather be doing their finances than this new entity.

And how much is going to devoted to what? If the lines are stacked by people discussing the situation at Richmond am I going to be there for an hour hearing about how Richo is the most underrated player in the history of the game? No thanks. Believe it or not the fact that we have so many teams in this city might actually work against them. Let's take Indianapolis for an example again - you can get away with discussing the Pacers and Colts all day because 99% of your audience supports these two teams. If you provided me with a station that discussed Melbourne all day I'd probably listen to it - I might be the only one - but if I'm having to share that airtime with discussion of all these clubs I don't give a monkeys about then I'm not going to bother listening. You simply can't get ten or twelve hours a day out of AFL issues, even during the season, without it becoming horrifically repetitive. How many different callers do you need to ring in and say they don't think Nathan Buckley/Wayne Carey/David Neitz should have been reported/suspended/elected king of the world before it becomes dull. Not many. If I'm interested in, say, the Women's National Basketball League and ring up are they going to hear the thousands of sets turning over to 3AW and hustle me off the air ASAP to devote more time to AFL? You just can't please everyone.

While we're at it you've got to question some of the programming decisions. They've got a basketball show hosted by Andrew Gaze on Friday Nights - when a great deal of NBL games are played. And who, let's face it, wants to listen to a basketball show anyway? They can't even get more than 2000 people to a game in this city - how are you going to sell advertising with a potential market that low? You may as well have a show discussing the National Soccer League - it's got more fans than the NBL but they, presumably, couldn't find a 'big name' like Gaze to host it. But "big names" are only good for attracting interest, and some credability and if they're not actually providing decent entertainment it will all be wasted.

I hope I'm proved wrong and they make an absolute fortune. Just because I won't be listening to it - because frankly talkback radio shits me up the wall these days - doesn't mean it can't be good and can't attract an audience. They should give me a show, then their station identity can be "250 famous sportsmen, and one dickhead off the street". We'll make a mint.

Were I in charge of this sort of station the way I'd do it would be to cut the sports talk with music. Make it classic rock, the type Triple M used to play before they sold out to Creed, if you're trying to appeal to a Male 25-50 audience. Not sure what I'd do with the actual programs - because as I said there might be merit in discussing the 'minor' sports but merit doesn't pay the bills or keep you living in a non-cardboard-box environment. I just don't think it will work under any circumstances, but under my music/talk plot you'd at least halve the amount of talkback thus making the discussion fresher and keeping people listening with the songs. Logic would say that they should think about doing live coverage of the NSL, NBL or NRL if it can be done cheaply enough but will they be willing to take the chance that nobody will be listening? Or is it better to fill Saturday afternoon with sporadic updates of AFL games and talkback callers discussing Lance Whitnall's hamstrings? I would assume, and I hope for their sake, that they've done some forward planning and thinking because if the idea of 24/7 talkback stiffs in the ratings they're going to have to come up with a Plan B very quickly to avoid going under.

Further entertainment can be had by viewing what used to be the 3AK website. Apparently "This site is undergoing maintenance and will return shortly". My arse it will. Your station is dead - get over it. It will probably be back in six months time when this enterprise goes under but for now it's defunct. Meanwhile while we were discussing 3UZ earlier my favourite memory of that station was the show hosted by Brian Taylor on a Friday night at about 11pm probably ten years ago. They'd try to valiantly discuss American sports and card trading (when it was big - and if anyone wants to buy the 1992 Upper Deck Reggie Jackson hologram card then I'm here for you) but it turned out that every second talkback caller they had was pranking them; leading to BT throwing some world class tantrums on air. A sign of things to come for the new network? For comedy value one can only hope so.

Your thoughts?

April 1st already is it?

Fake! Fake!

The thoughts of Winston Churchill live on, thanks to the foul mouth of his 104-year-old parrot.

"F--k Hitler! F--k the Nazis!" says Charlie, a female blue and gold macaw which Britain's wartime leader bought in 1937, two years before the outbreak of World War II in Europe.

"Parrots are remarkably adept at mimicking sounds and voices," says an article about Charlie in the February issue of Jack, a British men's magazine, which hits the newsstands on Thursday.

"So when Charlie gives her opinion of the National Socialist German Workers' Party, it is rendered with a Churchillian inflection," it said.

Following Churchill's death in 1965, Charlie was sold to pet shop owner Peter Oram, who keeps her at a garden centre in Reigate, Surrey, where she wanders around the grounds in summer but stays indoors in the winter.

"She is a very old parrot," Sylvia Martin, who works with Oram, told Jack.

"She has become increasingly quarrelsome -- and, if the truth be told, is now looking a little scruffy."

So the parrot was already 37 when he bought it? FAKE! FAKE!


And a big hand to whatever Channel 7 visionary (and when was the last time you saw those two words in the same sentence) decided to have Roy and HG doing commentary on some of the Australian Open matches. Tennis purists may not like it - but there's only about fifteen of them - but it's inspired.

Oh god no

We were all scared shitless when it emerged that there MSN Groups dedicated to the absolute hero worship on a sick level of one Mr. Guy Sebastian - and rightly so. But imagine the sheer TERROR when I was attempting to find out how highly I ranked on Google for the search string 'brett lee is shit' and discovered this.

Here's a sample of the wonderful content,
welcum to BL family lol r we related to him? LMFAO i wish don't i! hehe hope u enjoy it here and sometimes we get really crazy so just ignore us when we do!

To quote my fellow fast bowling cynic Amul when I sent this to him on MSN..

Harsh but true.
So, are we set for objective critiscm and in-depth analysis of why he can't bowl for shit? Well, let this heading be your guide to that.
look even he thinks so heheeh

And just in case you didn't know who he was..
FAMOUS FOR: Being a fast bowler with the Austrailian Cricket Team (and being a hotti)

And also in case you didn't know that the people in charge of this site are fucking psychopaths,
LIVES: Lane Cove, hhehe (near me)

I've never seen hhehe fielding a team in the Sheffield Shield so I'm going to assume that's just skanky teenage 'personality' typing and not an accurate description of his location.
But as usual it's the message board that provides the most terrifying action in these sorts of 'communities'

A big hand though to the person who posted this,


Wasn't me, but I wish it was. And the groupies hit back,
geekman u r full of shit not heaps of ppl our age can bowl like brett lee how can u say he is a shit bowler after one bad day think of all the shit he has accomplished over his career and hear all the stuff ppl say about him one of the most exciting players to watch hes a fantastic player and ure just a pathetic loser who wil never make it as far as him and the only way u feel better about ure self is to put him down to make u look bigger and better but it doesnt work u make ureself an absolute dickhead who wouldnt know a good bowler if he was staring u in the face i bet ure shit u could never achieve what brett lee or any other bowler has achieved ever ure a rude c*nt an asshole and an all round faggot why come here and bag on brett it aint getting u ne where we all love him through everything we support him through good days and bad so dont think coming here and puting comments like that bcos we dont wanna hear it we dont bleeve it we bleeve in him not what u say he is an idol a role model some one we all look up to somebody who is twice the person and 10 times the bowler what u r or will ever be take a hint get over yourself and actually learn something about cricket b4 coming in here and bagging our boy
love alexis

But Alexis won't be bonking Lee tonight, because she swears and HE DOESN'T LIKE THAT. Seriously if this is the case that's double the reason for not being in the team - not only can't he bowl but he can't even sledge properly. Softcock.



Then there's the worst prediction in HISTORY shortly before the shambolic game against India on the weekend,
YAY he is playing today's game i'm so happy. He is gona do really well I can just feel it.

Sadly she didn't come back and try and justify the comment later. She did, however, put some things randomly into brackets

Yes I know that Brett is going to Play.
I just hope that Brett Play's the rest of the ("ODI Series.")
You know what it is called when People Constantly Bag someone out?
It's called ("Tall Poppy Syndrome.")

I just wish that all of Brett's ("Fan's") would Stick by Him & not Bag Him out.

I simply can't do justice the madness of these people simply by posting here. You must go and read it for yourself. Sadly there doesn't appear to be any mention of anyone cooking dinner for him Guy style, but surely it's only a matter of time.

Surely these celebs wouldn't actually encourage this sort of thing? If I were semi-famous and was reading rubbish like that I'd start posting and hanging shit on them. It reminds me of that Saturday Night Live episode when William Shatner showed up at a Star Trek convention and started hanging shit on the assorted geeks there. Classic television.

Tuesday, 20 January 2004

Ping, pong, Ping, pong

Tennis eh? It doesn't excite me. I can watch it, but not for more than a few minutes at a time. Just like Australian Idol. What gets me, though, are the people who become MASSIVE tennis fans for two weeks a year but don't really know what's going on. They know who little Lleyton is, and they love the Scud. But ask them to name a female player from Australia and they're going "Ummm, is that Dokic girl still around?" Of course she's a Serb now, and is too scared to tour Australia lest we lock her up and force her to play for us at gunpoint. My chosen sport with these people is to pick one of the top seeds who I've never heard of and ask them what his/her chances are this year and watch the poor person go to pieces trying to think of a response.

My favourite moment in tennis history - even better than McEnroe calling the umpire something that closely resembles the word "crunt" and getting kicked out - was the picture in the paper about four years ago that showed perennial Aussie struggler Rachel McQuillan doing something on court with a tennis racquet that wouldn't have looked out of place in a Bangkok bar. I swear I've never seen a funnier picture in my life - and one day I'll go to the State Library and hunt it down just to post on here.

And while we're on the subject of tennis has anyone else ever been baffled by the concept of calling it on radio? It's usually the ABC that do it, I think AW might jump on the bandwagon, and give Clinton Grybas something to do, for the finals and who knows what this new sports AM station are going to do? (And more about them later). It's just the most bizarre thing to hear because there's no time for variety or entertainment in the call - it's all so clinical and evil. Here's a sample, using the names of two allegedly seeded players that I just pinched from the Australian Open website

"Forehand to Fish
Backhand to Clement
Fish down the line
Clement lobs
Fish with the smash

Heh, his name is Fish. Erm, anyway - all of that is delivered in about 10 seconds of frantic screaming down the microphone/telephone line. Definately goes alongside swimming as a sport that does not fit well into the world of sportscasting.

Microsoft doesn't like your name

Shouldn't you be creating operating systems that crash every five minutes?

Like any good fledgling businessperson, Mike Rowe knew he needed a catchy name for his website design company. Being possessed of a sense of humour and the cheekiness of a typical 17 year old and given his name, what better than to register his Internet domain name as
As in, but not quite, Microsoft Corp.

"Since my name is Mike Rowe, I thought it would be funny to add 'soft' to the end of it," the Victoria Grade 12 student said.

But the folks at the world's biggest software company aren't smiling. They've demanded he give up his domain name.

Iowa Kaucus Krackdown

That headline would work much better if Kansas were the first caucus.

Anyway, the result is in and the winner is John Kerry with 38% of the vote, in front of John Edwards with 32% and Howard Dean - who gave one of the most comic speeches I've ever seen where he pretty much just randomly shouted out state names on stage - with just 18%. Dick Gephardt was last of the major contenders on 11% and pulled out of the race. Dennis Kucinich, the man who pulled out an explanatory chart during a radio interview, not surprisingly cracked just 1% of the vote.

Of course this result does little more than get rid of Gephardt and strengthen the position of the first two placegetters. After all Dick won this thing in 1988 and sixteen years later he was still trying to win the Democratic nomination. Bill Clinton scored a colossal 2.8% in 1992 - a good 75% behind winner Tom Harkin, and how many interns have you heard about Tom knobbing in the White House? None. Wesley Clark and Joe Liebmann didn't even bother showing up to campaign in Iowa - and nobody is taking Al Sharpton seriously anymore.

Mind you there's something about John Edwards that worries me. I think it's his frightening likeness to the late John Ritter.

All this should make New Hampshire doubly interesting. Roll on.

Monday, 19 January 2004

Bring back the Falcons

Ahh the Superbowl. That one day a year when people pretend to be interested in American Football and Don Lane gets back on our television screens. Sadly most people will probably be turned off by the fact that it doesn't contain any bandwagon teams like the Dallas Cowboys and steer well away from it. Please think of the ratings people, if Don loses his once a year gig on SBS he'll be forced to live off the royalties of Channel 9 continuously showing that footage from the Don Lane Show when he told the guy to piss off - and that's the last thing he needs.

Anyway, on Monday fortnight it will be New England vs Carolina in a game that logic says, and the bookies agree, that the Patriots (that's New England sports fans) will piss it in and for once I tend to agree. They're a week fresher, and they're just better all around. The only caveat is that any team who has won so many games in a row has to lose one sometime, and you just never know if they could choke when it comes to the big one. Perhaps if bloody Footscray hadn't beaten Essendon late in the 2000 AFL season we might have had a chance of doing them over in the Grand Final?

Yes, well anyway speaking of being bitter and twisted years later I'm still not over the 1999 edition - Superbowl XXXIII - when the crunting Denver Broncos (who I hold a grudge against to this day) beat the Atlanta Falcons 34-19 in Miami. Very depressing. Incidentally I went quite mad less than two weeks later, could the two have been connected? I doubt it.

Meanwhile thoughtfully provides a list of all the musical entertainment over the years. It's a veritable goldmine of musical talent,
X - Up With People (They'd be back pretty much every year of the 1970's and provide the inspiration for The Simpsons' "Hooray For Everything")
XIV - Cheryl Ladd
XVIII - Barry Manilow
XXI - Neil Diamond
XXV - New Kids On The Block
XXII - Herb Alpert
XXVII - Garth Brooks (with OJ Simpson as celebrity coin toss guy and future murder suspect) and I quote "Michael Jackson & 3,500 local children"
XXIX - Kathie Lee Gifford
XXXI - Los Del Rio (Those old guys who did the Macarena) AND the new Blues Brothers. A massive lowpoint in entertainment history.
XXXIV - Travis Tritt
XXXV - Styx

And who could forget Gwen Stefani showing up and absolutely BUTCHERING Message In a Bottle with Sting last year. They're digging Janet Jackson up to appear this year alongside national anthem singer Beyonce (!)

USELESS FACTS: This is the first Superbowl where the two teams involved are not only not named after a city, but not after a state either. Controversial? Maybe not.
I'm pumped for it. Even if nobody else is.

Great one hit wonders

10. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - Good Vibrations (1991)

Part of the great white rap explosion of the early 1990's alongside Vanilla Ice 20-year-old Mark Wahlberg, who had originally been a member of New Kids On The Block alongside brother Donnie before he gave it up in favor of kicking the shit out of some guy and going to jail, burst onto the scene with this hit - the success of which probably owed more to guest vocalist and disco queen Loleatta Holloway and crossover appeal from squealing teenage girl NKOTB fans than Wahlberg's vocal talents. The album Music For The People, which he had promised to work on as part of his parole after being jailed for assault, went platinum across the world thanks almost exclusively to this hit single.

The only other charting song they would ever have was "Wildside" which went to number 10 later that year. The band started to come under fire from the media as it started to look like Wahlberg's four black bandmates - including the sensationally named "Hector the Bootie Inspector" were there to do little more than give him 'street cred'. The second album "You Gotta Believe" sold a fraction of what their debut had and the project was dissolved - but not before they could be the subject of their very own "Make My Music Video" game for the ill-advised Sega CD.

Where Are They Now? Wahlberg is now established as a major Hollywood actor and is famous for having a massive cock in Boogie Nights. Holloway, who also appeared with TWO hit wonder Black Box, is still performing around America and the rest of the Funky Bunch are presumably busking/inspecting bootie on a street corner somewhere.

SOURCESFunky Bunch discography
Loleatta Holloway biography
Mark Wahlberg biography


It's not big, and it's not clever - and it probably ensures I'm signed up to 10,000 other scam lists but I always fire off some sort of reply when I faced with a Nigerian scam email. Something along the lines of wanting to help them very much and my desire to have millions of dollars transferred into my bank account because my heroin addiction has driven me mad. Yours truly, Adam - President of the Australian Republic etc..

Usually you never hear about it again. Once the Nigerian foreign minister (*cough*) wrote back "very funny" and didn't respond to my second email detailing how I wanted to run a similar scam and wished to swap techniques and ideas.

Anyway, I just replied to one then and it bounced back with a "this mailbox does not exist" error. Either they've been busted in the couple of minutes since they sent it to me or they're running a fraud with absolutely no chance of ever making any money back. Idiots.

Interesting enough there was a link to a story on the ABC website included in the email - which is interesting considering they arrested some guy from New South Wales for running these types of shady operations a few months back.

Another child molesting priest

Breaking the law! Breaking the law!

A former drummer with Birmingham based rock band Judas Priest sexually assaulted a teenage boy a number of times while the special needs youngster was visiting his house for drum lessons, a court was told today.

Drummer David Holland faces one charge of attempted rape and five counts of indecent assault on the teenager.

All of the alleged offences are said to have taken place between June and December 2002.

Holland's co-accused, Spiros Laouitaris, 22, faces four separate indecent assault charges on the same teenager.

You'd never get that kind of shit with the drummer from Def Leppard would you?