Monday, 28 July 2008

Great Moments in History

Late 1730's France. Apprentice Printers crack the shits at working conditions. Tools down and a stopwork meeting? Not for these crazy kids.

. Apprentice printers living and working on Rue Saint-Séverin in Paris suffered hard conditions and so resented the favours which their masters gave to their cats. They contrived to be ordered to deal with nuisance cats and then slaughtered sackloads of them so as to distress their masters.

Touché Frenchies. Touché indeed.

This has been another TSP Great Moment in History and/or Looking at Wikipedia when you could be doing something more important

Blue Sunday

(This post simulcast on Every Day Is Like Sunday)

How does it feel, to treat me like you do. ENOUGH SAID.

It's been a wonderful weekend. So far I've been poisoned by a Chinese restaurant and accidentally smashed a $500 electronic implement. Surely a showing of the mighty Dees will make me feel better? Well, maybe if you wound the clock back a couple of years - because having to watch them this season is more likely to make you piff yourself off the Bolte Bridge than anything else.

But you never know. In a week where favourites were getting turned over left, right and centre stranger things COULD happen. But not to us. Even walking in to see Freo 35 points in front of Port in the first quarter wasn't enough to convince me that we were any danger of nicking the four points. Of course with West Coast winning yesterday some will question whether we really wanted the four points or not, and I'm guessing that they were some of the 15,000 of our fans who didn't bother to turn up on the day. Obviously it was a bit cold for the softcock brigade, and of the 21k crowd we would have been lucky to have had 8000 at our own home game. Imagine if North down the bottom as well? There would have been 10,000 there - it would have been like a Brisbane Bears tribute match. Ironic given that we were watching two of the teams most likely to go tits up and go the way of the Bears.

Took them 47 seconds to kick a goal. That's never a good sign. When do we ever do that? A couple of minutes later Miller got his first and then it was time for a slopfest. Daniel Bell had one of the biggest nightmare runs of all time and Corey Jones kicked three in a row on him - he was doing so well last year, what did Ben Johnson do to him when he destroyed him with that hit at the end of last year? Alistair Nicholson forgot how to run after he did his knee, has Bell forgotten how to play footy after being flattened? His position in our (allegedly) glorious future has gone from 'assured' to 'questionable' since the season began. It was like the second quarter last week all over again, but this time we didn't even get to see 1 decent quarter before we lost the plot. By the time it was, thankfully, over we were down 45-9 and the handful of us who had actually shown up had lost the will to live. Sometimes I wonder if there isn't something to be said for the Jonestown solution of handing around the laced softdrink and waiting for everybody to drop.

Speaking of Joneses, for the last month Nathan has played like he's Simon Godfrey. Running around with intent, laying tackles, going hard and getting the ball but disposing like a 12-year-old. Dare I say he'd benefit from a week in the 2's? I know he's been a lovechild over the last couple of years but surely nobody is above a wakeup call. And while we're on the topic of love children let's talk about Juice Newton. I think we all want him to play as a forward and prosper, but the way he's going he'll be lucky to make it to the end of the season let alone next year. Sure, he kicked two goals and one of them was an absolute corker but how many times did he cock it up? I'm not trying to be harsh, but 2 goals from 20 contests isn't much to write home about when one is an admittedly good looking but speculative stab from the boundary line and the other is a free-kick. We need a lead up, marking forward and at the moment he's not it. Fair enough that they leave him there for the rest of the season, because it's not like anybody else is going to step up and play the position but again he'll need to do a lot to convince me that he's anything more than the answer to a future trivia question.

The second quarter was better, but it would have been hard for it to be any worse than the first. Miller got his second early on before North responded (obviously). Lynden Dunn got reported twice in twenty seconds for pissy contact with Brent Harvey - he might cop a reprimand for the first one, but if he gets done for the second you may as well stop watching AFL right now. That was about as close as he, or anybody else, got to Boomer as he cut us to shreds on the way to 27 touches and a couple of goals. That's what a class player does. That's what we're lacking. It's what, sadly, McLean/Moloney/Jones etc.. are never going to be. We sort of broke even with them until half-time, but when you're coming off a vomitorium of an opening term that's not much to write home about. 38 down at halftime. Either we were going to claw our way to respectability or get poleaxed. The way I was feeling we may as well have gotten flogged just to give me something more amusing to look back on once we're winning games regularly again in 2014.

All things told we actually won the second half. Big whoop, let's hold a street parade and pretend everything is progressing swimmingly. North put the cue in the rack with such severity that the rack was almost torn from the wall. We certainly started to play a lot better, flowing football but only because they let us. There's nothing to get excited about there, even when Sylvia finally did something in the 4th quarter and cut the margin four goals with plenty of time on the clock you knew we weren't going to seriously challenge. Morton added another to keep it interesting but that was it.

The only thing more interesting was the amount of players who burnt their teammates in better scoring positions inside 50. Everyone was up to it and frankly it was giving all 27 of our fans who showed up the shits. Is everyone so worried that they're going to get the arse at the end of the year that they're trying to rack up goals to save themselves? Our defence - good again given the fact that we were poleaxed out of the middle - have earnt their spots, but there's so many questions around the forwards and the midfielders that it's no surprise everyone's trying to play for themselves. Let's get that out of the system.

Kontroversy Korner
Simon Buckley is giving me the shits. Is there any danger that he might actually dispose of a ball one day instead of dancing about trying beat everyone like he's in a 1970's disco. You can't tell me that other clubs don't sit down, watch the video of us play and identify the fact that whenever he gets it he'll try and step his way out of it EVERY FREAKING TIME. A perceptive person (who may very well have been me) was heard to text the Triple M commentators and point out that nobody should be fooled by him because he does it everytime. Another equally perceptive person of another name (again, I'm not denying anything) agreed. You can get 25 possessions every week if you want but I refuse to be impressed until some of them do something other than move a lateral handball, go backwards to a free man or end in falling over and being pinged for holding the ball. His attempted play-on from the kick-in was something else all together. God forbid he ever gets some confidence about him he should be a handy player - send him to whichever psychologist Miller has been working with this season because that guy has done wonders. At least he's assured himself a place in every "Footy Blunders and Fuckups" highlights video that will ever be released from here on in.

Kontroversy Korner II
Is Bruce finished as anything more than a pinch hitter? I like the guy, and I'm still convinced he'll be one part of the captaincy duo next season but can we ever expect anything major out of him again? I think not. Sit back and enjoy a couple more seasons of bit part play and the occasional piece of quality but don't expect anything earth shattering.

Kommunism Korner
Stay away from the reds they said, and when it comes to Matthew Bate it appears everyone's been given that instruction. Never before has a man had so many times when he's been on his own and nobody will kick it to him. Sure, he klangs it most of the time but maybe getting it with nobody within two hundred metres will help. Any danger he can play primarily as a forward anyway?

Farcebook Watch
There's an application where you can put a picture of your favourite player on your page. Not to be indecisive or anything but so far this year mine has gone,

* Pre-Season: Brock (sacked because Rivers is almighty)
* Round 1-Queens Birthday: Rivers (sacked due to being out for the year)
* QB-this week: Green (sacked because I can't bring myself to have a favourite player who is actually popular)
* Now-?: Paul Johnson (Obscure! Playing out of his skin! I think it's the first time I've ever listed a ruckman as my favourite player)

In fact, given that Rivers is still the man overall I present a brief history of the people I decided were my favourite players at any given time.

1990 - Brent Heaver
1991 - midseason 1991 Rod Keogh
Midseason 1991-94 Allen Jakovich
1995-97 - Post-Jakovich depression
1998-99 - Jamie Shanahan (brief, sick flirtation with Troy Longmuir fandom during '99)
2000 - Shane Woewodin (good season to jump on, cheers for the 200-1 Brownlow odds pre-season)
2001 - No serious attachments
2002-03 - Chris Lamb
2004-2006 - Philthy Phil
2007-2008 - Rivers

What a lineup. Maybe they can all come together (Rivers excepted) for the tribute match I'm setting up for myself of all our 'forgotten' players from 1990 to the present? What a star studded night it will be when Craig Greg Hutchinson's team (CORRECTED - watching us play makes me think of ambulance chasing wankers) takes on the Mark Riley All-Stars on a Tuesday afternoon at the Junction Oval.

2008 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

5 - Shane Valenti
4 - Paul Johnson
3 - Brad Miller
2 - Stefan Martin
1 - Aaron Davey

Apologies to Chris Johnson, McDonald, Morton, Warnock and Whelan

No apologies to Jones, Sylvia or Newton.


Again Jones retains his lead despite putting in an ordinary one. My money's still on Green, though if you took Miller at 10's as listed in the comments of the last post then you'd be happy. Over to our betting division with all the odds for the rest of the year,

Jakovich Medal
$2.50 - Brad Green
$3.25 - Nathan Jones
$4.00 - Cameron Bruce
$6.00 - Brad Miller
$40 - Matthew Bate
$50 - James McDonald, Paul Johnson, Chris Johnson
$100 - Colin Garland

Seecamp Medal

Could be ready to see a small man defender boilover?

$2.20 - C.Johnson
$3.50 - Garland
$10 - Whelan
$50 - Wheatley, Martin, Warnock

Hilton Medal

Take your pick of three. I'd probably be on Valenti from here.

$3.00 - Wonaeamirri, Morton, Valenti
$12 - Martin
$50 - Maric
$1.5 million - Weetra

Remember, when gambling is no longer fun (like if you're betting on Melbourne) walk away. And now, before we forget, the actual leaderboard.

23 - Nathan Jones
21 - Brock McLean, Cameron Bruce
20 - Brad Green
17 - Brad Miller
14 - Matthew Bate
13 - Paul Johnson
12 - James McDonald, Colin Garland (Joint Leader: 2008 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Chris Johnson (Joint Leader: 2008 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Lynden Dunn, Aaron Davey
10 - Austin Wonaeamirri (Leader: 2008 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
9 - Cale Morton
8 - Shane Valenti
6 - Jared Rivers
5 - Brent Moloney
4 - Clint Bartram, Matthew Whelan
3 - Nathan Carroll, Matthew Warnock, Jeff White, Simon Buckley, Paul Wheatley, Stefan Martin
2 - Russell Robertson
1 - Mark Jamar, Adem Yze

Did you know 46 different players have recieved votes in the four years of Demonblog? Stand by post-season for an in-depth statistical analysis of the DB years that will make the crowd go absolutely mild.

Banner Watch
The "Make A Banner" competition was a bit of a flop, which is no surprise given that there were 13 people in the ground. Pity we didn't enter with MCNAMEE FEARS STYNES because behind a cheersquad with 19 people in it you wouldn't have had much trouble being seen.

May I humbly suggest for any North fans who might be reading that they go for an exceedingly obscure musical reference and make a banner saying - IT'S GRIMA NORTH. When you win something from it I want royalties.

Next Week
Essendon at the 'G. The only positive to this is that we've escaped a trip to the freaking Dome and the only game where you have to buy a reserved seat even if you're a 17 game member. The negative is that despite the fact that 6 weeks ago we were pencilling this in as a 'maybe' game, suddenly they're playing great football and are going to smash us like a guitar. I'll be most interested in seeing how our backline goes against them, because believe me there will little else to hold your interest other than trying to work out at which point of the third quarter you should bite down on that cyanide pill you've been hoarding all season.

ZOMG - Supporting LOL with special guests ROFL

LMFAO. Worst band name ever. However - song of the year?

Sunday, 27 July 2008

A Poisoning, A Robbery and a Funeral

There is a restaurant in Chinatown which has poisoned me twice. Why then, did I go back? Well the last time I ate there and developed a splitting headache which made me hurl violently and publicly I'd put it down to serious eye strain and consumption of alcohol. About ten minutes after I walked in last night I realised that it was the same place that had caused me to die in the arse so severely a year before (watch out for the footage of me on the ground in Toorak Road having a nervous breakdown, surely they'll play it on Funniest Home Videos any day now), but given that it was all put down to that crazy eye strain I didn't think anything of it.

So, we ate and it was lovely. No arguments from me on that front. Off to the movies to watch The Bank Job. 45 minutes into the sub-Lock Stock heist film my head suddenly feels like it's being squeezed in a vice and my body temperature goes through the roof. "Here we go again", I thought, "it must be my eyes". So I sit there through the second hour of the movie trying to decide whether I was going to need to leg it out the door before I even more publicly disgraced myself in a packed cinema. Luckily I managed to hold on until the end before I realised that the same thing had happened to me in exactly the same way it had the first time I ate there. The bastards had gotten me again. I did a runner the moment the film finished and staggered off towards home, too scared to catch a taxi or tram in case of disaster. At least this time I made it into the Treasury Gardens before.. Well, you can see where that's going.

So after tearing my contact lenses out halfway through the gardens in a vain attempt to get some relief from the feeling of being pulled apart by two horses (hint: this doesn't work, it just means you can't see anything) I finally made it home in time to stagger into bed, close my eyes and hope for the best. And here's where the funeral comes in. I had my Creative Zen Vision W (FUCK THE IPOD!) in my pocket, took it out and put it on a table and went to walk away. Unfortunately the headphone was still caught in my pocket and it came off the table. Looked fine at the time so I went to bed, slept for ten hours and have almost recovered from the ordeal. I wake up this morning, turn it on and the screen is shattered to buggery. Presumably Creative can fix it, though good luck finding a phone number to call on their shithouse website, but who knows what it's going to cost. I'm already preparing for an extended period of life with only a shithouse phone to listen to music through.

I'd name the restaurant but I've got no idea what it's called. However I do wish several curses and a massive building collapse on them instead. Now, I googled the symptoms of these two fiascos and it turns out to be textbook reactions to MSG. Isn't that shit illegal? Or don't they at least have to tell you that they're serving it. Should I lag them out to the council? Can you get some kind of crimestoppers reward for taking poisoners out? Or would I just be contributing to the death of small business just to make myself feel better? Sounds like a good idea to me.

This has been the worst weekend ever. The only thing that can possibly console me is if Melbourne beats North this afternoon, and as we're more likely to lose by 250 points I'm not sure that anything is going to salvage this slopfest. Roll on Monday morning? Well, I wouldn't be that excited.

Thursday, 24 July 2008

2nd Rate Celebrity Lookalike Corner

Yesterday I went to the doctor (no, it was not to have anything removed from my ass) and the guy I saw was the absolute splitting image of the guy from Ferris Bueller's Day Off who stacks his dad's car through a window.

It would have been rude to say anything at the time, so I thought I'd post it here instead where nobody will read it.

Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Great Moments in Britpop #244325

1995/96 was the first time I ever took any real informed interest in 'new music'. Sure there'd been the entire year of 1989 when I'd bought all sorts of horrid chart cassingles (and let's be honest, a few corkers. Black Box anyone?), and a brief flirtation with the likes of Nirvana, Alice In Chains and Pearl Jam before their lead singers became respectively dead, dead and tedious but it was Britpop where I briefly lost the plot. That was the first time I ever read music magazines, stayed up all night watching Rage and took an interest in stuff that was so far off the charts that you were as likely to hear it played on the radio as you were for Triple M to admit the M stood for Mozart. Then as suddenly as it all came it went, leaving us with a handful of acts like Oasis and Blur who were one shonky record (one VERY EXPENSIVE shonky record in Oasis' case) away from completely losing it. And so, after a year that had briefly been enlightened by the likes of Pulp, Elastica, Supergrass, Skunk Anansie, Suede etc.. it was all gone. To be honest I went back to listening to Gold and didn't go near 'new' music again for years.

Then along came the internet for real, with it's Napster's (remember that?), YouTube's and god knows what else and it was time to party like it was 1996 again. Time to remember all the stuff that you heard once at 4.32am. Most of it was memorable enough that you'd at least remember the name of the band so you could find out what song you were thinking of, but occasionally all you'd be left with was a flash of something so indescript that you could never connect it. I'd never have forgotten The Rentals - Friends Of P in a million years, but I'm still troubled to this day by a video I saw of a killer track sung by some woman with green hair of which I cannot remember a single word or tune. Who was she and what was it? We'll never know because it must have been so obscure that it was taken straight out of the VHS and thrown into the great Rage scrapheap.

One song that I remembered and wanted to hear again for years was this one, King of The Kerb by Echobelly.

I can't remember where I heard of them first, it was either in the first copy of Q that I ever bought (and $8 was a freaking shitload to me then, it meant I couldn't eat fat bastard food from the school shop for days), or in a copy of The Face which I somehow bizarrely owned despite it standing for pretty much the opposite of everything I, as the local nerd voted most likely to be a serial killer, believed in. All I remember is that it had an article about the history of Brits being off their tits on ecstasy. Good thing/shame I was in no such circles to actually acquire any at the time because I'll tell you what the article portrayed it as a quality fun ride. And they were right, but that was years further down the track. Anyway, the reason I took interest in the article was exactly the same reason I perked up noticeably the first time I saw Elastica's "Car Song" clip, I totally had a crush on the singer. Hey, I was 15 - surely there were worse things I could have been doing? At least when it came to Elastica I was in love with the guitarist as well. Maybe even more than the singer. Maybe even more than EVERY FREAKING BODY COMBINED except for a mad woman in my maths classes nicknamed Satan who used to bite me.

Obviously at the time I never heard the album that the track came from, but all these years later I finally got a hold of it and it proved worth the wait. "On" not only had King Of The Kerb, the song that dissected, the wide world of English prostitution years before the Arctic Monkeys "When The Sun Goes Down", but also "Great Things" and a shitload of other top stuff that didn't even earn the week's worth of play on Triple J that the singles did. Of course like pretty much everyone else caught up in the whole Britpop thing whose name wasn't Gallagher, Cocker or Albarn their next album - 1997's Lustra - stiffed in the charts and despite still being together today we've heard nothing from them since. Shame.

Trawling the archives like this makes me want to go back to 1996, bail the young Adam up in an alleyway and slap the living bejesus out of him. Son, in the off chance that as part of some bizarre sitcom plot you end up having access to the wild world of 21st century blog from the 486 DX2/66 computer with it's 14.4k modem then all I can say to you is FIRE UP OR I'M COMING BACK TO PUT YOU IN A HEADLOCK.

Err, enough said.

New Adventures in Shitful Marketing

Everyone knew Coca Cola's "Mother" was a financial disaster waiting to happen. Now I'm not just bitter because they replaced Sprite Recharge which was basically heroin to me, but surely everyone could see that something which tasted like creeping death and had a god-awful name (What the fuck is "Mother" supposed to do for me? Make my lunch?) was going to be the biggest bomb since World War 2 in an energy department dominated by Red Bull and V.

Even a year ago there were reports that the whole brand was going tits up and costing Coke a fortune, but at the time they were being bold and claiming that nothing was wrong.

Coca-Cola says it is not looking at reformulating the product and will be relying on its marketing muscle to change consumers' attitudes.

Yesterday Coca-Cola Amatil, the principal Coca-Cola licensee in Australia, said the results were "fantastic", citing 84 per cent awareness of the brand, a growth in the overall market since its entry and the fact that its market share was more than twice that of the brand it replaced, Sprite Recharge.

Twice the market share. A quarter the taste. Anyway, a year later and further financial bleeding and they've finally pulled the pin. But instead of realising that they cocked up and coming up with something new they've gone for a "wacky" relaunching strategy that has got farce written all over it.

Coca-Cola Australia has kicked off its relaunch of energy drink Mother this month

Spearheaded by a new TVC, the ad pokes fun at the old formulation, seeing a SWAT team hunting down those responsible for the original – and unsuccessful - Mother formulation.

The can even says "Tastes nothing like the original". So, what you're basically saying to me is that you've got no idea what you're doing and that the last product that your intelligent boffins created tasted like cats piss. Why, then am I buying your fancy new product? I fail to understand just why you would keep the same name as a failed product and admit that it was a cock-up. There's a meeting I would have loved to have sat in on. I guess their excuse is that they already have 'brand awareness', but at the same time if that's people being aware that your product is utter balls.

Energy drink fans - you decide.

P.S - This post will amazingly disappear should the product go absolutely nuts and become the fastest selling corporate item since the Tickle Me Elmo. Don't hold your breath.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Thursday, 17 July 2008

Phone Rage

What's the worst thing about having to ring up Telstra?

a) The bit where you've got to tell them "in a few words" what it is that you want, and it doesn't matter what you say you always get sent to the same people.

b) Being on hold for two hours because either they're too cheap to hire more than 15 phone operators, or because Ethel from Niddrie is busy talking to the operator about her cat and how it's a disgrace that the kids are using her local phonebooth as a toilet.

c) Having to listen to some cock singing "I am, you are, we are Australian" over, and over, and over again while you wait. I don't give a toss if you're Peruvian, just answer my freaking call.

I've also noticed that the operators now answer the call with "Hi, this is X from Victoria" just so you know that they're Australian and you're not talking to Karachi. How comforting. Can we just sell this farce of a company off completely already? Thank christ all I have to do is change one address and I never have to deal with these freaks again.

P.S - The people on the phone are usually lovely once you finally get through to them. I just hope their entire company dies in the a$$.

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

I Wnt 2 Tch Yr Bdy Of Crist

Hands up anyone who thinks this is legit,

PILGRIMS of World Youth Day (WYD) will receive a second text message of inspiration from the Pope this morning.

Pope Benedict XVI has gone high-tech, using the advances of mobile phones to SMS thousands of young pilgrims with a daily message.

Today's message, due to go out around 10am (AEST), will say: "The Holy Spirit gave the Apostles and gives u the power boldly 2 proclaim that Christ is risen! - BXVI."

As part of the Catholic festival, Telstra has provided the service and has erected eight temporary base stations to allow young pilgrims to send text messages to family and friends.

Four giant digital "prayer wall" screens have also been erected at the Sydney Opera House, the Domain, Darling Harbour and Randwick Racecourse.

Pilgrims who sign up will also be able to send a message to the giant prayer walls.

Telstra mobile customers can subscribe to the free service by texting the word Pope to 0400 405 111 to receive the daily messages.

And as an additional bonus when you text Pope you're also helping to save him from eviction from the Big Brother house.

(Oh, Channel 10 - why did you have to axe the show and ruin those sorts of cheap gags?)

Has anyone else noticed that for a "day" this thing seems to have gone on for about 2 weeks? I'm all for people coming here and getting their religion on if that's what floats their ark but the chances are if I lived in Sydney I'd have had a nervous breakdown already at having the whole place grind to a standstill so people can dance around a cross a'la the Maypole. It was bad enough the other day when some Spanish types set up inside Spencer Street Station and started prancing and chanting. Try it yourself next week and see how long it takes to get "asked to move on".

When you don't renew your membership at a footy club the players start ringing you up and asking you to get on board. Is there any danger as an alleged former Catholic (well, there was certainly some dunking in water as a child - I've seen the pictures) that the Pope is going to send me a text and try and rope me in to some hot Christian action? Unfortunately as of last Sunday my religion is officially listed as "The Melbourne backline" so I'll be unable to participate.

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Stormy Weather

(This post simulcast on Every Day Is Like Sunday)

(Yeah, I know the roof was closed but in my heart it was pissing down)

Well, after a week off to do something important with our lives footy is back. Remember back to the glorious days of, err, a fortnight ago? We were in the winners circle and everything was looking up. Then as soon as you started to relax a bit it turned out that we were expected to show up and play the 2nd best team in the competition. Arse.

When we first met the Dogs this season, in that farce of a practice match at Bendigo where the lights went out, I was convinced that they were a bottom three side. This is why I never claim to be a real analyst of football, but at least I can't be accused of bias considering I had us in there as well. Anyway, as we've all seen - to devestating effect in Round 2 - they are quite good actually and have only dropped 1.5 games this year. Well slap my ass and call me a bitch, I didn't see that one coming. So, they're quite good. Obviously we were always going to lose so I chose to invoke the "Mercado/Gary Davies from TAB Sportsbet Plan" where the degree of success/respectability in a loss is measured on whether or not we beat the point spread. This week it was +42.5 points, so that was the target.

To be entirely honest the game was so freaking awful that I'm struggling to remember much of what happened. It was one of those days where the top side shows up, never gets out of first gear, gives their fans a bit of a scare and then do just enough to fall over the line because the rotten side don't have the tools to match them. The first quarter was eminently forgettable, mainly due to the fact that we didn't freaking score until the last minute. However, despite the fact that we were generally getting slaughtered out of the middle despite Jamar usually having first touch, we weren't completely blown out of the water early on. Credit for this must go to the defence who have been outstanding over the past few weeks. One of these days Garland, Warnock, Martin and Whelan (Rivers? Consult your local emergency department unfortunately) might earn the right to be called The New Jurassic Pack. Now that the last one has broken up and Nathan Carroll is preparing to take his wacky haircut world tour to the arenas of the WAFL, the much maligned likes of Warnock and Garland have stepped right into the breach and are probably our most important element while we're unable to kick massive scores.

So, with the midfield average at best in the first (Jones turning over everything he got his hands on) and the defenders holding it all together what about the forwards? What forwards? Miller was doing great work when it hit the deck but god forbid anyone could manage to find him as a target? Green was down there early on for some reason and couldn't get any of it either. Sylvia started up front but was soon thrust into the midfield. Can we just get over this wet dream of him being an elite midfielder already? It's not going to happen. Wonaeamirri seemed to have deliberately been sent up the ground and was taking a lot of marks 60 or 70 metres out from goal - and that's not a bad thing, that's a good thing because if you've got one trick and everyone else discovers it then you're rooted.

Speaking of people who might be a bit short in the trick department let's discuss the case of one Michael J. Newton. On the strength of the first quarter alone I found myself hoping that the car he won (well, won the use of anyway) for the 2007 Mark of the Year has a sweet Sat Nav system so that he can find his way to the nearest Centrelink on the first Tuesday after the season ends. Actually let's make it Wednesday, because you can't expect anyone to drive the day after Mad Monday. It's one thing to be a forward and not get a touch at all, but it's another to get the pill and botch things so seriously that even in a season where we're rivalling Fitzroy 1996 for ineptitute you get a bronx cheer from our own supporters when you finally get something right. Ok, so he was getting the ball 50m out on the boundary line but after first trying to square one into what was basically a team meeting of Bulldogs players, he then marked again in the same spot, burnt Sylvia on a lead and proceeded to thump it out on the full. Sad. We all had high hopes for him (well, medium level hopes anyway) based on the second half of last season but frankly he's just not going to make it. His most important goal should be to play two more matches for the rest of the season so he can overtake Leigh Newton's 13 games to be our most famous Juice ever. He redeemed himself - a bit - later on with a couple of marks and a goal but if he's the future then I'm a busty supermodel.

Anyway, so somehow we went into the second quarter within striking range. Didn't last long. When Will Minson, the king of slops, is marking over you and kicking goals you know it's not your day. They got the first two before Chris Johnson scored a cheap fifty to kick his first career goal and cut the margin to 20. Buckley and Green both added one, but Cross and Akermanis cancelled them out and we were a goal worse off than we were at quarter time but still hanging on and not getting blown out of the water.

Green got his second in the first couple of minutes of the third and you thought "well, maybe we could..." and then in true Melbourne fashion we failed to add another one for the quarter. Here's to a big 2.4 to that end (Coventry?) for the day. There was a lot of to and fro but the fact of the matter was that Footscray are a highly tuned outfit operating at a much higher capacity than we were. When they turned it over we'd usually give it straight back or kick it to an unrealistic contest (SHANE VALENTI IS 3 FOOT TALL, STOP EXPECTING HIM TO TAKE PACK MARKS AGAINST 2 OPPONENTS!) When we gave it to them they had players running everywhere. Unfortunately even though we had Johnson and Murphy well shut down they are a team with about 20 other players who can kick goals. We are a team who are lucky to have two people who have kicked twenty for the season. It didn't help that the likes of Bate, Jones and Wheatley were just throwing the ball on the boot with no concern about where it would actually go. The answer was usually "to the opposition".

Seven goals down at the last change and it was more a case of hoping to break even in the final term and avoid the Dogs running riot and kicking 15. We gifted them a few rushed behinds and both Buckley and Newton missed shots but it was basically junk time from the first bounce. From the time Mitch Hahn kicked a goal to extend the margin to almost 50 seven or eight minutes in the Dogs shut up shop, put their feet on the table and started smoking a fat cigar. Somewhere Robbo was shedding a tear that there was so much junk time that he wouldn't be able to run riot in. Newton finally got one - and thank god because I would run out there with the appropriate paperwork myself if he hadn't and Miller kicked our last three to make it a respectable 31 point loss. The spread was beaten - let the children of the town rejoice, and we were lucky enough to hear the Dogs theme song which still appears to have been recorded by a pissweak ska band fronted by a 75-year-old lead singer.

Let's be honest about all of this. We're a shit side, but there's a future. Today we were a ten goal better side than the one that they massacred in Round 2. Since March 29 we have seen the likes of Carroll, Yze, Weetra and White shelved. Some perhaps more permanently than others. We've also discovered that Garland can play, Dunn can tag, Green is a leader, Miller can be a presence up front and that THE CELEBRATOR and Valenti have been hits from the rookie list. This isn't the same team it was in Round 2 and thank god for that. Either we're going to look back on these years in a decade and say it was where we built for success, or we're going to look back and go "ahh, that's why the whole team went tits up and the club is now playing in the Tasmanian League". Either or - let's just get on with it already.

2008 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes

I feel like I'm being controversial with these. Please direct your abusive comments to our customer feedback department c/o the third wheely bin on the left outside the Ponsford Stand.

5 - Colin Garland (Safe as houses down back. More please)
4 - Lynden Dunn (Tagged Cooney to buggery. An angry young man)
3 - Cameron Bruce (He was always there and racked up 35 touches, but how many times were they actually worth anything?)
2 - Chris Johnson (Still butchering it sometimes, but playing with enormous confidence)
1 - Stefan Martin (Showed a shitload of poise in contests for a second gamer)

Apologies to Wonaeamirri (deliberately further up the ground?), Green, Miller, Jamar (rocking along at 1 kick a game but doing alright in the centre), Whelan, Valenti and Buckley

No apologies to Jones who couldn't hit the side of a barn for most of the day. And yes, I am biased towards defenders so there's no need to make a point of it. All I'll say is that how come none of them have ever won the Jakovich Medal then? Oh, because they've all been shit for years you say? Good point.

Draft Watch
Today's game tilted me even further away from Naitanui. Don't give me this bollocks about having a "marquee player". Do you seriously think that any of our alleged 'fans' who have lapsed over the last couple of seasons are going to come back just to watch some guy who can jump a mile and has a novelty haircut? He might turn out to be the best player ever for all I know but the last thing we need at the moment is a project player. Today says to me we need a key forward.

I think I've mentioned this before. What if we finish 16th, Freo finish 15th and we trade the #1 pick to them for the #2 pick and Warnock. Then we still have 1st pick in the Pre-Season draft and haven't really lost out. Of course the chances of anyone who isn't West Coast finishing last at the moment are slim to none, but you never know. Maybe you could pull the same kind of scam with them and throw Warnock in as part of some hot threeway deal. Or you could just do what everyone else does in trade week and sit in a room eating biscuits for four days and then try to make 17 trades in the last five minutes and have them all collapse because the fax machine at AFL House is too busy.


Strangely enough I think Green is probably still morally the winner of this award. I don't know if that proves that the voting system is flawed or that I'm watching games on crack.

23 - Nathan Jones
21 - Brock McLean
21 - Cameron Bruce
20 - Brad Green
14 - Matthew Bate
12 - James McDonald
12 - Colin Garland (Leader: 2008 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Lynden Dunn
10 - Austin Wonaeamirri (Leader: 2008 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
10 - Brad Miller
9 - Aaron Davey
9 - Cale Morton
9 - Paul Johnson
7 - Chris Johnson
6 - Jared Rivers
5 - Brent Moloney
4 - Clint Bartram
4 - Matthew Whelan
3 - Nathan Carroll
3 - Matthew Warnock
3 - Jeff White
3 - Paul Wheatley
2 - Russell Robertson
1 - Mark Jamar
1 - Shane Valenti
1 - Adem Yze
1 - Stefan Martin

Religious Affairs Department
Bishop, please take your hand off my knee. Also it was great to see some guy in some sort of Montreal Catholic Church jacket (Le Church?) also sporting a Demons beanie. You'd think if you knew nothing and were coming from overseas for a massive god type convention that you'd automatically pick the Saints. Just proves how shithouse St.Kilda are in the grand scheme of things that they've had such a tragic history that even religious types won't back them.

Kaptaincy Korner
What price will you give me on a Bruce/Green joint ticket? You heard it here first - even if I did make it up.

Laughing Stock League
13. Port Adelaide (falling from grace and abandoned by fans. Choco Williams' head to explode by Round 22)
14. Melbourne (brave but shit)
15. West Coast (rotten, but at least they have a glorious past)
16. Fremantle (projected to jump at least one spot after next week)

Next Week
Freo in Perth. They're shit aren't they? Guess what kid, the moment we travel any further west than Telstra Dome so are we. Home win.

Friday, 11 July 2008

Lovers of Quality Television Unite

Now, I don't want to suggest that Channel Nine have hit absolute rock bottom and they may as well sell the whole station back to Alan Bond for all the good it's going to do them but....

ONE of the most famous stories in the history of Australian commercial television is about to have its ending rewritten. On September 4, 1992, when Kerry Packer was still running the Nine Network, he ordered Doug Mulray's Naughtiest Home Video Show off the air halfway through a broadcast. Offended by the home video clips of a couple making love, and dogs and cats trying to mate with different animals, Packer telephoned the presentation department at the station and network presentation manager Michael Healy at home. There was no discussion. Packer simply said: "Get this shit off the air." So the show was pulled after just 34 minutes and replaced by re-runs of Cheers.

Sixteen years on, and three years after the death of Packer, it was assumed the program had been lost. That was until head of factual television John McAvoy went searching for it, eventually uncovering an old broadcast quality tape on a dusty bookshelf in the bowels of TCN9, in Sydney's leafy Willoughby. Now the chief programmer at Nine, Healy watched the tape and decided it deserved another airing. A date for the broadcast has yet to be decided. Billed as "the show Kerry Packer didn't want you to see" Diary reckons it will be a hit, albeit a one-off.

So, the lesson is clear. When you've tried everything and are still getting murdered in the ratings after years of being on top you turn to a clip show featuring somebody fondling a Kangaroo's klacker. The way is definately clear back to the top of the ratings at Nine. "Still the One" my arse.

The only way I'll pay this as a great moment in the history of Australian TV programming is if they wait for the exact moment that Packer dragged it off the air and do the same. Everyone will be sitting there waiting to see just what Doug Mulray had next and then *bang* off it goes and on comes the same episode of Cheers that replaced it all those years ago. Follow it with the same episode of Nightline as well if you want to be really confusing.

In case they don't have the rights to Cheers anymore may I suggest any of the other fine fill-in programs that Nine used to drag out whenever the cricket would end early... Night Court, Wings, The John Larroquette Show, 18 Foot Skiff Racing from Sydney Harbour, Ten-Pin Bowling. The possibilites are endless.

Lovers of Quality TV Unite

Now, I don't want to suggest that Channel 9 have hit absolute rock bottom and may as well sell out to Alan Bond again for all the good it will do them in the ratings but....

ONE of the most famous stories in the history of Australian commercial television is about to have its ending rewritten. On September 4, 1992, when Kerry Packer was still running the Nine Network, he ordered Doug Mulray's Naughtiest Home Video Show off the air halfway through a broadcast. Offended by the home video clips of a couple making love, and dogs and cats trying to mate with different animals, Packer telephoned the presentation department at the station and network presentation manager Michael Healy at home. There was no discussion. Packer simply said: "Get this shit off the air." So the show was pulled after just 34 minutes and replaced by re-runs of Cheers.

Sixteen years on, and three years after the death of Packer, it was assumed the program had been lost. That was until head of factual television John McAvoy went searching for it, eventually uncovering an old broadcast quality tape on a dusty bookshelf in the bowels of TCN9, in Sydney's leafy Willoughby. Now the chief programmer at Nine, Healy watched the tape and decided it deserved another airing. A date for the broadcast has yet to be decided. Billed as "the show Kerry Packer didn't want you to see" Diary reckons it will be a hit, albeit a one-off.

So, when going gets tough and everything's going south the network that's apparently "Still the one" turn to a show featuring people fondling the knackers of a kangaroo.

The only way I'll accept this as a great piece of television programming is if they get to exactly the same moment they did the first time and once again rip it off air for a repeat of Cheers.


Welcome to the IPhone. Queue panic purchasing by every man and their dog. Remember Krispy Kreme? Probably not, but those of you who can cast their mind back to the heady days of 2006 (you know, when Melbourne played finals and some old mate called John Howard was PM) will recall a time where thousands flocked to the outer suburbs, and later the city, to buy thousands of donuts that they didn't really need just because it was new and exciting. Oh, what an era - it was there that the groundwork was laid for a national obesity crisis. Now who's talking donuts? Nobody that's who.

And now it's a mobile phone that apparently does some sick shit. Wowee, let me at it - I have to have one TODAY. That's NOW. Not tomorrow god forbid. I had the misfortune of hearing a radio playing the Fox earlier and some woman was on almost having convulsions over the suggestion that they were going to give her a free one. I hope the friends and acquaintances are suitably impressed. In fact I hope that somebody manages to use the fact that they own one to pick up sometime on the weekend because it's the only possible way that it could enhance your life as much as anyone is claiming it will.

How come nobody ever kicked a store door in to get a Nokia 3310? I mean not only could you play Snake 2 but you could put different covers on it. OH! MY! GOD!

So, if you queued up all night or got up at an ungodly hour of the morning just to buy a mobile phone (and you know who you are 2.0) then have a good lie down and seek immediate treatment. The good news is that the only people who are bigger nutbags than you are the ones who got them from America months ago and hacked them to work here.

P.S - At least it's probably more usable than the Ipod. Those things should be thrown into the Yarra and allowed to float away.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Bolty on the Buttons

Everyone loves a good newspaper 'comments' section. Especially Mediawatch, because it's usually full of nutbags. Take this story for instance.

Once again you can debate the whole arts issue until the cows come home, I don't give a rats - I just think it's interesting that comments written by certain people *ahem* likening the other readers to Andrew Bolt groupies who should stick to picketing art galleries somehow get caught in the moderation net and yet well thought out ones such as this do,

The Age is harbouring a sick culture, it has an illness.

Posted by: james 4:17pm today
Comment 47 of 55

That's all we've got time for on MediaWatch tonight. I'm Stuart Littlemore.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Great Moments In The History Of Sleep

So, I'm a shithouse sleeper. Nothing for you to be concerned about (or is it ladies? Rowr! Oh god, now I've made myself ill..), but a prick of a way to live your life. Sure I can sleep - if it's in a bed, everything is quiet, the temperature is right and I can turn my hyperactive mind off for ten minutes but it's when things don't work like this that the fun and games begin. A barking dog? Nervous breakdown territory. Car alarms? Welcome to suicide watch. The ticking crossing signal right outside my bedroom window when I lived in St. Kilda? You may remember that I went outside and tried to smash that one glorious summer morning in early 2004.

So, if the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars I can usually sleep - but god knows what goes on when I do because apparently it's like a fun house attraction full of wild scenes. Look, he's having hardcore nightmares! Not that I can remember them. See Adam start yelling things out in French even though he hasn't learnt squat since Year 8! Oh, he's plummetted out of bed onto the floor like a failed It's A Knockout contestant. It's all the fun of the fair in my bedroom for all the wrong reasons.

Then waking up is another thing. For the first half an hour I'm a mess of the highest order - like a Zombie half summoned from beyond the grave. And so it was that last night I ended up at a sleep disorder clinic with more wires and attachments on me than Robocop. Tubes up the nose, ECG's running riot, finger pulse things going nuts and a video camera watching events unfold live. So, as the fussiest sleeper in history do you think there was any danger whatsoever that I would be able to get enough sleep under those conditions to give any sort of meaningful data. Well, you'd be surprised but it was a close run thing. Thanks to the referring doctor who told me that it was ok if you freaked out because they've got mountains of sleeping pills that they can dish out to put you into a coma. Thanks for freaking nothing because when I woke up and asked for them to, as the kids say "Give me all your drugs you bastards", it turned out that they couldn't give you squat unless the specialist recommended it. What a farce. Somehow, despite all this and having more electrodes attached to my scalp than Ted Bundy in the electric chair I got away with it.

They finally let me go at 6 this morning, and what a hillarious drive that was home - half out of it, in hardcore fog and with a truckload of goo in my hair either from where the wires had been attached or where the night nurse dude had gotten a bit bored at 4am. What a shambles.

Monday, 7 July 2008

Lost Video Classix

Remember Shampoo? That's the band, not the consumer product. Anyway you probably remember them for the colossal one hit wonder that was "Trouble" (basically Caught By The Fuzz sung by girls). That was shit. This is Bouffant Headbutt - it's ace. This song told you everything you needed to know about Chav culture years before Little Britain came out with that rubbish bird in the pink tracksuit.

Is it wrong that I find this video hot? Survey says yes it is.

Kontroversy Korner

I'm pretty sure I know where I stand in the grand "Is it art, or is that Gary Glitter I see lurking out the front?" debate that's going on at the moment. As far as I'm aware perves are rarely seen whacking it in art galleries, especially when there's this new fangled gadget called the internet that the punters are really getting into.

But now, just when people went back to thinking that Bill Henson was that guy who created the Muppets, a magazine has upped the ante with a selection of allegedly fruity shots.

The young girl whose naked photo appeared on the cover of an arts magazine, sparking a new controversy, has defended the picture, saying she is proud of it.

Art Monthly Australia magazine sparked fresh outrage over naked images of children by publishing an image of a six-year-old Olympia Nelson on its July cover and two shots inside.

The magazine's editors said the images were chosen as a protest against the recent furore over similar pictures by artist Bill Henson.

Now, you can weight in to this debate however you like. Whether you're in the Konservative Kevin Prime Ministerial camp, are personally offended and am getting ready to go all "Danish cartoons" on their ass or whether like me you don't particuarly give a rats ass there's one scenario I want you to consider.

You're an arts lover. Every month you get down to your local newsagent to grab a copy of Art Monthly Australia. Suddenly this month you bound into your local, take a look at the front cover, think "shit they're desperate for a few sales, I must subscribe", grab your copy and head up to the counter. The person serving you takes one look at the famous magazine, realises that you're some kind of evil massive super pervert even though you're actually not and starts openly verbally abusing you for being a disgraceful human being in front of an entire store of concerned citizens. Another service that Art Monthly magazine provides to their loyal readers! My money's on their sales actually dropping this month but then all the freaks and longtime readers trying to get back copies off Ebay, where they will instantly be dismissed from being listed after this woman has a nervous breakdown and goes on A Current Affair.

P.S - Next time somebody shows you a shot of their newborn baby PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE AND CALL THE COPS. How dare they? The sick perves.

P.P.S - If you came here via Google looking for the fruity shots I'm afraid you probably do need to have a good hard look at yourself.

Saturday, 5 July 2008

Fat Bastards Corner

There's somebody in the Cadbury's marketing department who is due a massive raise. Ever since I was a kid the process of buying a Crunchie from a store consisted largely of standing there for five minutes poking at individual bars to try and work out which one hadn't broken in the middle and shattered into a thousand shards of honeycomb. Like the good consumers we are everyone just put up with this - but now some genius has come up with an idea so simple that it's offensive that nobody thought of it earlier.

Split the Crunchie in half at the factory. Suddenly the standard package is being sold as a "twin" pack. So simple. No more shatter, no more mess, no more dirty looks from the guy behind the counter at 7/11 who is wondering why you're fingering his confectionary.

Sucked in Violet Crumble customers, those of us in the real honeycomb faction are laughing.

P.S - Yes, I am overweight.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

International Security Update

Rescuing hostages from Colombian terrorists. That's a good thing. Calling your terrorist group FARC in the first place, we all know that's an even better thing. But misplaced faith? That's just nuts.

Appearing healthy after being held hostage for six years in the jungle, Betancourt, walked down from a Colombian military jet in Bogota on Wednesday and hugged her mother and husband, a broad smile on her face.

"God carried out this miracle," she said. "This is a miracle because I know that all of you suffered with my family, my children, with me. This is a moment of pride for all of Colombia for such a perfect operation."

Shame he was noticeable in his absence when you were being snatched by Guerillas and held in a freaking jungle for the last six years. Thanks God for finally deciding to kick in to the rescue efforts after all these years.

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Community Service Announcement

If I ever, EVER, express any desire to watch the movie or stage play of Mamma Mia I humbly request that you take an object (blunt or sharp - stabber's choice!) and gouge out both my eyes and my ears so that I can enjoy it as it was meant to be enjoyed.

Over and out kiddies.