Thursday, 31 July 2003


Stand back, it's a film that's allegedly worse than anything done by Mariah Carey, Madonna or Britney Spears. Must be an atrocity on horrific levels to even rate in the same sentence as those bombs, let alone being rated 'worse'.

Call it one of the biggest turkeys of all time.

The romance between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez has captivated the American public, but their first movie together is already being called a low point of cinema history.

If early reviews are anything to go by, the pairing of the real-life love birds in the movie "Gigli" looks set to bomb when it opens at the U.S. box office Friday.

Among its biggest problems is a love scene in which Lopez spreads her legs and tells a smoldering Affleck, "It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble."

Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall it ain't.

"Witless, coarse, and vulgar, 'Gigli' is worse than its advance buzz could have indicated," wrote Fox News critic Roger Friedman. "The film -- if you can call it that -- is a total, mindless disaster."

The New York Post on Wednesday ran a full-page splash blasting the movie. "The 'Gigli' is Up," the paper wrote, adding, "Ben-Jen bomb was made for walking."

Much of the movie features Affleck's efforts to change Lopez' character from being a lesbian into a straight woman. Needless to say, by the time she's saying, "Gobble, gobble," she's changed sides.

The romantic gangster film pairs a couple who have been almost omnipresent in U.S. tabloids for months and who have been touted as among the sexiest people in the world.

While their romance was said to have been originally sparked with the shooting of "Gigli," critics see little of that spark in the movie. Critics have compared the film to such box office flops as Madonna's "Swept Away," Mariah Carey's "Glitter" and Britney Spears vehicle "Crossroads."

"From 'Gigli's' first test screenings, where writer-director Martin Brest clashed with Revolution studio chief Joe Roth over the film's final act and pace, to the film's poster, which allegedly featured a retouched version of Lopez's famous derriere (which the studio denies), nearly every step of the film's path to the screen has been chronicled by the Internet, the tabloids and, eventually, the mainstream media," the Los Angeles Times wrote.

Gobble, gobble?

Against all odds I've always liked Ben Affleck films (his performance in Boiler Room was awesome) but I think his relationship with J.Lo can be considered as the point where he 'Jumped the Shark'.

Great One-Hit Wonders

#3 - Andrea True Connection - More, More, More (1976)
Long term readers (that's none of you) will remember that my very first Disturbing Search Request ever was for Andrea True Connection picture porn. "Why", I wondered "would anyone think a one hit wonder disco star would have made a porno?" How wrong can you be? In fact it turned out that Ms. True had a long and storied career in the porn game before she decided to give music a try.

You might have heard it in a Holden ad. You might have seen her rutting like a madwoman on video - if you're about a hundred years old. Her first film, Dance of Love, was made in 1970 and in the next five years she made 14 movies.

The star of such gentlemen's art films as "Sexual Freedom in the Ozarks" embarked on her disco career during a film shoot (and I presume there was a lot of shooting to be done) in Jamaica. She was unlucky enough to be paid the day before the Jamaican government imposed some sort of zany ban on taking money out of the country. Left with a shitload of cash and nothing to do with it she called a producer friend in New York and he immediately flew in with a hastily written song. The track was recorded in one take (True actually thought it was a test) and taken back to the US for mixing.

Released in the Spring of 1976 it eventually reached number four on the Billboard charts and dominated the club scene for months. The success of the single encouraged the release of a whole album before going back into the pron game and making three more films. In '77 she took time out of the movie industry again to release her second album, which despite again being a huge club hit, failed to crack the charts and saw her contract cancelled. In 1978 she made two more films, and then a finale in 1980 entitled "Summer Session".

The tune itself?


That's not saying much, but it's something.

It was most recently sampled by the 'band' Len in that horrific song "Steal My Sunshine". Heathens!

Where are they Now? After two decades of rumors about her death she showed up to cut an interview for a VH-1 interview on the "Top 100 Dance Hits" of all-time and then faded back into obscurity with no clue as to where she'd been all that time. Status presently unknown.

Tuesday, 29 July 2003

Chevy Chase is still popular somewhere -allegedly

Turkey apparently,

"Chevy Chase is starring in a TV advertising campaign for a new Turkish cola that competes with Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola at a time of heightened anti-American feeling in Turkey. ... Mr. Chase is seen parking his Griswold-style station wagon at his suburban home, where his wife is preparing a Turkish meal for her parents and the children. At the dinner table everyone sings 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game' until they take a sip of Cola Turka and break into a Turkish-language 1930s Boy Scout song that is part of Turkey's national identity. At the end of the spot, Mr. Chase sprouts a bushy mustache."

National Lampoon's Turkish Vacation is writing itself. Personally I see a cross between the previous movies and Midnight Express.

What's all that about?

I'm deeply suspicious of this story. It has a link to a .mil website to try and convince you, but I remember that story from a few months ago about how it was outrageously easy to set up your own .mil domain if you were some kind of sick-ass hacker type guy and am accordingly suspicious. The fact that the site is now not working (presumably from all the people loading it) almost proves it as far as I'm concerned.

"The Pentagon is setting up a stock-market style system in which investors would bet on terror attacks, assassinations and other events in the Middle East. Defense officials hope to gain intelligence and useful predictions while investors who guessed right would win profits. ... The market would work this way. Investors would buy and sell futures contracts -- essentially a series of predictions about what they believe might happen in the Mideast. Holder of a futures contract that came true would collect the proceeds of investors who put money into the market but predicted wrong. A graphic on the market's Web page showed hypothetical futures contracts in which investors could trade on the likelihood that Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat would be assassinated or Jordanian King Abdullah II would be overthrown. Although the Web site described the Policy Analysis Market as 'a market in the future of the Middle East,' the graphic also included the possibility of a North Korea missile attack.

I call bullshit on this one right here and now.

Umpires boss is a tool

Gieschen backs double goal

AFL umpiring director Jeff Gieschen yesterday backed field umpire Jason Baldwin's decision to award a "double goal" to Essendon at the MCG on Saturday.
Gieschen deemed Baldwin's decision to award Bomber forward Matthew Lloyd a free kick on the goal-line in a tense last quarter to be correct.

"The video that we have seen probably doesn't show it conclusively but I checked with (Baldwin)," Gieschen said.

Gieschen said Baldwin had talked him through the scenario that unfolded 23 minutes into the last quarter.

"Jason said he ran in to give the all-clear and he could see that (Melbourne's Alistair) Nicholson was going towards Lloyd because Lloyd had said something which he didn't hear," Gieschen said. "Then Jason said something like, 'Don't go near him, don't touch him,' pre-empting that . . . maybe there was going to be a bit of push and shove.

So he has little idea what happened yet the umpire told him it was all good so that'll do? It's no wonder people have so little respect for the umpiring fraternity.

Gieschen was clearly robbed to be sacked as Richmond coach a few years back, but there's no reason to take it out on the rest of us by trying to completely screw the game up.

Monday, 28 July 2003

Hoax alert

According to a report in poncy free Melbourne 'newspaper' MX the great "Hunting for Bambi" scandal was nothing more than a rort for the company involved to sell more videos.

Good luck to them for fooling everyone though.

Attention perverts: This means that no such competition exists - put your pants back on please.

Saturday, 26 July 2003


Maybe Melbourne wouldn't have won anyway today, a seven goal to one first quarter didn't help, but if there has been a worse umpiring decision in the history of the game than the one that gave that prettyboy cheat Matthew Lloyd another kick at goal late in the fourth quarter when he took a massive "oh! I am mortally wounded" dive after being pushed so lightly it wouldn't knock over your 95-year-old grandmother I would be mystified.

A big "fuck you" to the umpiring fraternity. I know I said that anything under a ten goal loss should be counted as a victory but this is just taking the piss.

Friday, 25 July 2003

Great One Hit Wonders of our Time

2. The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony (1998)
Possibly the most tragicomic one-hit-wonders of them all. This song was absolutely MASSIVE in it's day - you couldn't go anywhere without hearing that familiar string section. There was only one problem - it was lifted straight out of "The Last Time" by the Rolling Stones without permission. To avoid a costly legal battle, and knowing that by taking it out of the song they would be killing their chance of a brief moment of fame the band gave writing credits to Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and and 100% of their royalties to the Stones lawyers. Let's just review that - for all the motivational videos, footy highlights packages and Channel 7 advertisments the song was used for the people who sung it didn't recieve one cent. Not a cracker. Laugh? We nearly pissed ourselves.

There was a second single, "The Drugs Don't Work" that lingered around the wrong end of the top 40 for a few weeks and then sunk without a trace. They plugged away for a couple of years touring to try and recapture a spot at the top of the hit parade (as well as some much needed cash) and then, proving the title of their second song, crashed and exploded in a mire of drug addiction, jealously and absolute madness.

Where Are They Now? Singer Richard Ashcroft (no relation to John, which is surprising because they're both mad) jumped ship to launch a solo career and was never heard of again. He's got an official website if you care enough. Sadly (?) it doesn't appear anyone does.

UPDATE - Readers revolt in the comments section. Sometimes you have to make the hard calls.

Thursday, 24 July 2003

It's a fuckin' wank for mine

The entire selection committee of the Melbourne Football Club should be taken outside, lined up against a wall and shot.

What idiot decided to drop Ryan Ferguson and replace him with Nathan Carroll - who was average against Geelong in his one game - the week we're playing against Matthew Lloyd? This coming the week after full-back of choice Nicholson was comprehensively beaten by an absolute scrub in Jade Rawlings. Maybe it's the same idiot who left Ferguson on the bench that entire time as the game slowly slipped away from us?

Who's going to play on Lloyd then you geniuses? And will it be considered a victory if he's kept to under 12 goals? We'll be lucky to lose on Saturday by less than 100 points.

Tuesday, 22 July 2003

Slow news decade

It looks like the Tasmanian chick winning Big Brother is the biggest thing to have happened on the Island, er, ever.

Surely not a bigger achievement than Boonie breaking the tinny drinking record between England and Australia is it?

One of Reggie's biggest fans, Premier Jim Bacon, returned from a stressful two-day Cabinet meeting at Strahan but was sure to be glued to his TV.

Life in the fast lane!

Incidentally Jim Bacon's wife's name is Honi. Honi Bacon? You couldn't make that sort of thing up.


Hello Kettle, I am Pot - You are Black!

The United States is investigating a rogue signal detected from Cuba which is thought to be blocking its satellite broadcasts into Iran.

The jamming was first discovered on 6 July when the government station Voice of America launched a daily Persian-language programme aimed at Iran's domestic audience.

Because we know the Americans would never subject the media of another nation to this kind of dastardly behaviour would they?

Sometimes I can understand why all these hippies hate them so much.

Sunday, 20 July 2003

Exchange student scheme priest argues with dying man


"A family that's grieving is very angry over their loved one's final hours. A priest came in to administer last rites, but the family says when he got into an argument with the dying man he refused to perform the sacrament. ... A spokesman for the Diocese of Rockville Centre declined to comment on camera, but released the following statement. 'In response to the family's complaint, the priest in question was relieved of his ministry as soon as was feasible and asked to return to his home diocese in Nigeria."


There's this highly suspicious place in Coburg called "Partner Search Australia". I keep seeing it every time I go out there and it disturbs me greatly. For one thing they've got this logo which appears to be two people getting it on, which is odd, then there's the massive complex they've got featuring a bar, restuarant and 'leisure centre'. The only reason I know they've got these places is because they've got huge signs all over them telling you that they exist. It couldn't look anymore like a cult complex if they tried. I'm expecting to see news reports of a mass-suicide out there any day now.

They've got a website where you can see a picture of their brothelesque headquarters. The site also blows their scam wide open by having links to "Russian Ladies" and "Asian Ladies" who you can presumably fork over a huge wedge of cash and be 'introduced' to. Check out their newlyweds page while you're at it and note how they all seem to be bogan Australians marrying Asian women... Rort!

I always knew there was something strange about that place, now it's been proven. Of course if you're a complete weirdo who's looking to pick himself up a foreigner you may consider this posting to less of an expose and more community service. Just don't mention my name to the cult leaders ok?

Saturday, 19 July 2003


(insert a long-winded whinge about how shit Melbourne are here, because I don't care enough to write one anymore)

Japan = New centre of 'sporting' excellence.

Whoever writes Japanese wrestling is clearly a genius,

Yagi was a fisherman, he had a similar fight style to Araken, that being the weird bald, headbutt style. He lost a Loser Grows his hair out match to Araken in December. In early January, when the Italian Connection announced they weren't really Italians, Yagi admitted he lied about being a fisherman, and was the son of a baker. Milano Collection banished him to his fathers bakery while his hair grew, so he could learn the trade. He was gone from January until June, when he returned and attacked SUWA with french bread, and changed his name.

He's now known as Baker Yagi, and his deadly bread-loaf attacks are causing havoc all across the country. They've got an evil Japanese Salsa band as well. Sensational!

Cheap post alert

What do you do when you've run out of things to say? Don't admit it, just post links to bizarre news pieces and pretend it was your plan all along. I've been doing it for almost ten months now.

Frogs ban E-Mail,
Goodbye "e-mail", the French government says, and hello "courriel" — the term that linguistically sensitive France is now using to refer to electronic mail in official documents.

Groundskeeper Willie finally pushed too far,
Police in West Virginia say a school maintenance worker doused his supervisor with gasoline during a school board meeting Thursday, tried to light him on fire and then randomly fired four rounds from a rifle, injuring one woman.

Kold War Kraziness,
It could only have happened at the height of cold war paranoia. To counter the threat of Soviet invasion, the UK planned to bury 10 huge nuclear landmines in Germany, declassified army documents from the 1950s reveal.

The extraordinary weapon was designed to cause mass destruction and radioactive contamination over a wide area to prevent an occupation by Soviet forces. Each mine was expected to produce an explosive yield of 10 kilotons, about half that of the atom bomb the US dropped on the Japanese city of Nagasaki in 1945.

The mines were to be left buried or submerged by the British Army of the Rhine. They would then have been detonated by wire from up to five kilometres away or by an eight-day clockwork timer. If disturbed or damaged, they were primed to explode within 10 seconds.

Future Blogger wins award,
Mariann Simms of Wetumpka, Ala., won $250 in the 22nd Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a parody honoring the writer of the worst beginning to an imaginary novel.

"They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white ... Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently," Simms wrote.

Just like Momma used to make,
"A Nanaimo woman slit her two-year-old daughter's throat before cutting up the body, cooking it with other ingredients and eating the soup. Laurina Marie Aune cannibalized her daughter 'so Kyla would be with me forever.' ... Police said Aune told them she ate a piece of the heart because she felt that's where her child's spirit was. The child's head was found in Ms. Aune's bedroom.


Teacher Tony = ripped off by internet competitions.

Adam = Doing very nicely thanks for asking,

Hi Adam,

Congratulation you have won the State of Origin grand prize! - Tickets for
two to the NRL Grand Final in Sydney on the 5th October.
Centrebet will provide you and a friend with 3 nights accommodation,
airfares and transfers to and from the game.

Thanks for playing.

P.S - Anyone who says "but it's only Rugby League" will be greeted with a boot firmly up their ass. I'll take a trip to Baghdad if somebody else pays for it.

Thursday, 17 July 2003

Strange people create new TSP record

I don't know what the secret to creating one is, but we've got the fourth "internet search juggernaut" in TSP history.

First it was unseemly rumors about David Beckham, then perverts looking for pictures of the Joe Millionare contestant's bondage movie and a few months back the short-lived trailer-trash icon Bubb Rubb craze which provided us with the record amount of hits in a day way back on February 17th.

I suspect the answer may be to blog about a subject weird enough for perverts and nerdlingers to search for it, but not mainstream enough to have appeared on evey second website in the world and clutter up the search results.

Now hundreds (well a couple of hundred anyway) have come searching for information on the perverted "Shoot a naked chick" game currently being played in America that I posted abouta few days ago. I'm always pleased to see hits go through the roof for whatever reason, but you've got to wonder just how many sick freaks there are in the world when this sort of thing can dominate search engine traffic so commandingly.

One day I'd like to shatter the record for most hits in one day for something witty and intelligent I said being posted on one of the world's most read blogs. I won't hold my breath.


Balanced precariously on the scaffolding of a building under renovation and overlooking Punt Road oval, home of the Richmond football club, is a huge banner reading "Collingwood Spy Tower". Now, I'm not sure whether it's secret psychological warfare by the Magpies on the eve of their big clash with the Tigers on the weekend, or whether it's overzealous bogan workmen, but what must be noted is the fine choice of building the Pie fans chose to hang their banner from.

It's a brothel. I always said they were a bunch of fuckers.

Wednesday, 16 July 2003

Great One Hit Wonders of History

Finally, a new TSP weekly special feature. Now, these songs are great for a variety of reasons - not many of them involving the actual music. Get ready for big hair, bizarre lyrics and general musical stupidity.

Of course most of the artists who will feature over the next few weeks (months? There's a lot of these duds) did have a second, or in some rather extreme cases, third single. These songs may even have cracked the top 40, but they were nothing compared to what preceded them.

We open the collection with the singer who's futile career inspired this series.

#1. Ann Lee - 2 Times (1999)
1999's #1 singing housewife Ann Lee burst into the charts in August and stayed there until December with this catchy tune. The words made absolutely no sense ("Some never mind, what you're looking for, Easy gone, lettin' on, don't open you now, mh-mh-mh. Easy gone, darling gimme more." - Pardon?) but the tune was so jolly that soon enough everybody was walking around singing "do do do do do do" to themselves. It didn't hurt that the tune was accompanied by a video with wackiness unseen since the hey-day of Frente - she mopped the floor, she put out washing, cooked fried eggs and then she went to bed. Frankly it was utter genius.

Her second, and probably last, single Voices featured exactly the same "do do do" bit (why mess with a winning formula?) as the first and barely cracked the top 40 despite being in the Video Hits interactive countdown for about three months.

In discussing this entry with notorious blogger and public transport stooge Agent FareEvader he admitted to somewhat rigging the Interactive Countdown by spending an alleged $700 on phone calls to stack the vote. I think he should have asked for his money back, because it was always mired in rock bottom last position when I watched no matter how hard they pushed it.

Where Are They Now? - My investigative reporting skills fail me on this one, I can't find one mention of anything she's done since then. Here's a look at her discography though - what a commanding list of tracks that is. Presumably she's busy mopping somebody elses floor and cleaning their dishes for a living now.

Tuesday, 15 July 2003

Go to hell and die

For some unknown reason every time I arrive at work for an early shift the TV has that bloody awful Sunrise program on. I'm not quite sure who does this though, as there's never anybody there watching it when I walk in.

Suffice to say that despite hating the show with a passion I always get suckered into watching it because they're doing the sports news just as I arrive, and then by the time that's over it's pretty much time to go so you just get to see a couple more weak gags delivered by the hosts who think they're hillarious before you storm out of the room in disgust.

They have this thing called the R.O.S Wall, which I've never understood. I guess it's some kind of Roswell gag (ha ha ha! Pardon my ribs collapsing with laughter) but all it appears to be is a place for them to scrawl random slogans across to give them something to talk about all morning.

And then there's all these emails they're allegedly getting at 6:25am from housewives wanting to discuss the continuing crisis in the Middle East and whether or not salami and cheese can ever co-exist in a sandwich. Either the LG Internet Refridgerator has taken off in a way that none of us could have ever predicted or there's some monkey in the control room making these things up on the spot. One day when I'm not working I'll wake up specifically at 6am and send one of those "I bet you won't read this out on air" emails and call myself Harry Finkleberry or something just to prove the point.

The Today Show isn't much better, but at least they've got the MILF-esque Tracey Grimshaw and responsible Terror Jockey Steve Leibmann.

Ooh, I'm so scared

AUSTRALIA could face a nuclear attack from North Korea if it got involved in an international force to stop ships carrying weapons of mass destruction, an unofficial spokesman for the North Korean government has warned.

Yeah right. Good luck. Alert your spiritual leader and start building a fallout shelter in the back yard. They probably couldn't get their pissy weapons of mass destruction (and isn't it refreshing to hear a government admit they've got 'em?) across the Sea of Japan let alone all the way down here. Bring it on!

I haven't got a garden to build a shelter in anyway, so I'm fucked when the conflict actually does begin.

PS - They might get lucky and take out Cairns who something, but who'd miss them?

Monday, 14 July 2003

Sink you bastards

General cynicism and speculation about these crappy swimming championships Melbourne have been awarded for 2007. Good, it saves me posting on it.

Let's broaden the base and debate just how completely and utterly boring swimming as a spectacle is instead. It's got to be the most predictable sport in the world - eight people go in a straight line with no hope of a mid-race accident or controversy to muck things up. Sure once in a while some tool might turn badly (alert the media) or the entire team might jump in the pool early and get themselves disqualified like the Australian women did a few years back but these moments are few and far between. It hardly ranks alongside athletics, gymnastics or equestrian where even the hottest favourite can be outdone by a moment of madness or random bad luck. Where are you going to get this in a pool? A freak tidal wave crashing across the Melbourne Sports and Aquatic Centre perhaps? What a crock. Contrast this to the debacles you see at every Olympics when the red-hot favourites for the Womens 4x400 metre relay ALWAYS drop the baton at a crucial moment and are disqualified, or when the hot tip for victory in the Steeplechase is cruising to victory before he plummets over the last hurdle and collapses in agony. That's real sport.

Admit it, the only time swimming ever reached any great heights was when that guy from Equatorial Guinea who could barely swim had a brave tilt at the 100m Freestyle during the Sydney Olympics just because he could. That was zany and unpredictable, unlike the past 100 years of the sport. I read once they used to have a swimming obstacle race at the Olympics in the early 20th century - now THAT sounds like entertainment.

And who are the 'heroes' of the pool? Kieran Perkins, Ian Thorpe and Grant Hackett - three of the most boring sports stars Australia has ever produced. They make David Boon seem like an entertaining interview subject. And Suzie O'Neill? Don't even get me started. I don't even know who 'Lethal' Leisel Jones is, but she's got a frightening nickname so I'd better not get her started.

Of course Australia loves the swimming though because we're good at it. You'd never hear a word about it, and Fox Sports wouldn't waste their time covering it to an embarassing level if it was our 'athletes' who were floundering around in the shallow end attempting to alert lifeguards to their plight. Duncan Armstrong would probably be reading the news in Dubbo if it weren't for the great swimming obsession.

Suffice to say I won't be forking out big bucks to watch this shite at these World Championships OR the Commonwealth Games.

Attention: Men are sick freaks

Apologies if you already knew that, but this should prove it beyond all doubt.

Bizarre Game Targets Women

It's a new form of adult entertainment, and men are paying thousands of dollars to shoot naked women with paint ball guns. They're coming to Las Vegas to do it. This bizarre new sport has captured the attention of people around the world, but Channel 8 Eyewitness News reporter LuAnne Sorrell is the only person who has interviewed the game's founder.

George Evanthes has never been hunting. "Originally I'm from New York. What am I going to hunt? Squirrels? Someone's cats. Someone's dogs? I don't think so," said Evanthes. Now that he's living in Las Vegas , he's finally getting his chance to put on his camouflage, grab a rifle and pull the trigger, but what's in his scope may surprise you. He's not hunting ducks or even deer. He's hunting woman. Naked women.


Hunting for Bambi is the brain child of Michael Burdick. Men pay anywhere from $5000 to $10,000 for the chance to come to the middle of the desert to shoot what they call "Bambi's" with a paint ball gun. Burdick says men have come from as far away as Germany. The men get a video tape of their hunt to take home and show their friends.

I think Michael Burdick may have tortured household pets for entertainment value as a child.

Burdick says hunters are told not shoot the women above the chest, but admits not all hunters follow the rules. "The main goal is to be true as true to nature as possible. I don't go deer hunting and see a deer with a football helmet on so I don't want to see one on my girl either," said Burdick.

The paint balls that come out of the guns travel at about 200 miles per hour. Getting hit with one stings even with clothes on, and when they hit bare flesh, they are powerful enough to draw blood.

Evanthes shot one of the women and says, "I got the one with the biggest rack."


Update: There's video too. If you find it in any way sexually arousing I suggest you stick your head in the nearest oven.

Sunday, 13 July 2003

Shonky journalism

I note with interest the number of free Grand Final tickets the Herald-Sun (Melbourne's paper with the great sports section and little else that you only read during footy season) is giving away each week in some dumbass competition.

I'll remember this when their front page story bemoaning how few tickets are allocated to the real fans appears in a couple of months and they're writing editorials about what a disgrace it is how corporates are given most of the seats. Fucking hypocrites!

Attention - This woman is not a MILF

In fact, she's a complete psychopath.

Convicted child killer Susan Smith has placed an online personal ad from behind bars, seeking pen pals with a list of loves including Mickey Mouse, rainbows and waterfalls.

“I HOPE to receive letters from those who are not judgmental and who are sincere,” reads the ad, accompanied by a photo of a smiling Smith, 31, wearing sweat pants marked “SC Department of Corrections.”

Smith, who is serving a life sentence, gained notoriety in 1994 for going on national television to tearfully plead for the return of her missing sons. She later admitted strapping 3-year-old Michael and 14-month-old Alex into their car seats and rolling the sleeping boys into a lake.

In the $40 advertisement, posted last month on Edgewater, Fla.-based, Smith says, “I will always hurt for the pain I’ve caused so many, especially my children.”

UPDATE - Read the ad, see the picture.

Sports suck

Melbourne = Soft!

North did their best to have a Carlton-esque collapse in the last quarter but we just didn't want it enough. The number of goals conceded from complete cock-ups were amazing. The worst being a kick-in from an out-on-the-full smothered and converted straight into a six pointer.

It was a nice two weeks. Normal service has been resumed.

Meanwhile there's definately been a trend of obscene commentary this week. Last night during the West Coast annihilation of Carlton Matthew Campbell decided that there was "NO PROBLEM FOR BIG COX!" and today, in the three minutes I could stand listening to the ABC radio commentary before I died of boredom some random guy pronounced that Cameron Bruce "sucked off the pack". Then I went back to listening to 3AW and they were doing it deliberately. Go figure.

UPDATE - And weren't the Herald-Sun duds shattered that they didn't get to use the "BRUCE ALMIGHTY" headline they've clearly been saving up all season. I half expected them to go for it anyway with some kind of lame "but it's not enough" subtitle.

Saturday, 12 July 2003

The stack is on

The Herald-Sun's annual Footy Fans survey is available online for the first time. Surely this is open to abuse - once upon a time you'd have to buy 3000 copies of the paper to rig the vote, now you've just got to sit at your computer all night.

Of course you'd have to be a sad, sad loner to actually go through with this just to prove to the readers of a newspaper that your team is superior in some fashion but there will be people doing it I assure you.

On that note I can only be bothered voting once so I urge you to all go and put Chris Lamb.

as your choice for the AFL's Sexiest Player. Past attempts to win Darren Kowal, Ben Beams and Alistair Nicholson this award have failed - we can't let it happen again. See, it's only half as sad and pathetic if you try and get other people to do it for you!

Festivus for the rest of us

This must be a practical joke of some kind,

Officials in Sydney, Australia, are planning an Easter festival around racing with hopes of creating a tourist draw to rival the Melbourne Cup, which packs Flemington racecourse each November.

The festival, which is tentatively named Festivus, would also include rugby and surfing events.

And no, the practical joke ISN'T that people would want to travel halfway around the world to watch rugby and surfing.

Thursday, 10 July 2003

Promise of no blog = Non Core

I've no idea how these nutbags find it (Google maybe - see below) but people - two of them anyway - have commented on my "It's a funeral" post about how shit Australian sketch comedy is.

My conspiracy theory is that it's people associated with one of those awful shows trolling the net and trying to drum up some support for their failing programs. If I do an entire post laughing at Greeks on the Roof getting the axe do you think some idiot involved with that show might haunt the comment boxes for the rest of time telling me how it was merely misunderstood and that Effie holds up a mirror to multicultural society? I never really cared for the idea of that ripoff show in the first place, and when I saw it featured the guy from those fucking awful "Snack Stop" ads it reached the auspicious position of "shows I'd dedicate a voodoo doll to".

And just how did this last lover of quality sketch comedy ("the chinese guy is bloody funny" apparently) find my post when the searches used to access this page today are as follows?

* Dorothy Wiggins
* jarva virtual machine
* skanky ho latham
* Cameron Daddo
* worlds scariest mugshot
* deltra goodrem nude
* drunk nude in otago
* powerball lottery foreigner
* blogger wayne skipper

A big hello to whichever Channel 7 dud's computer I'm bookmarked on - I'll give a good review to whatever shithouse show you provide me with footage of if you'll give me Dr. Katrina Warren's phone number.

A fair deal for all (except Doctor Katrina) I think.


Wednesday, 9 July 2003


Another thing I don't understand (long list) is the concept of a musical based on pop bands. I'm not talking about your Tommy/Quadrophenia style 'rock opera' where they're nice enough to write new songs and attach some kind of sensible plot but rather these new fangled things like 'Abba the Musical' and 'Queen the Musical'. Pretty soon it'll be epics based on the life of Vanilla Ice and Plastic Bertrand, but I digress.

The most offensive thing, to me, about these travesties are the plots. Such poor excuses for a bunch of D-Grade actors to get up and belt out the famous songs that we all know and love (?). The ABBA one involves some flimsy backstory about a wedding and some "who is my father?" shenanigans to clear the way for two hours of "Waterloo" and "SOS". You can see just how this thing goes,

Bogan A: "Oh look, the phone is ringing...."

Entire Cast: "Ring! Ring! Why don't you give me a call!"

Adam: "Puke!"

The Queen one, "We Will Rock You" (no you won't) is even worse. I can't remember the exact details, and let's just say that I'm not keen to look them up, but it's seriously futuristic SHIT about a planet called "Borhapsodia" (or something) having their music stolen and the quest of some jabrone to bring it back to the tune of "I Want to Break Free", or possibly "Radio Ga Ga". Noooo! And people actually pay $80+ to watch this. I don't understand it - if you want to hear the songs the way they were supposed to be played then buy a greatest hits CD (Queen have three, it's not too hard to find one), if you desire greatly the chance to dance around like a fool and sing along in public then there are about four and a half million tribute bands playing around the shop. Sure, it's not Freddie Mercury - but then again neither is the guy who played "Thug #5" on Stingers who's singing the songs on stage is it?

And don't get me started on Ben Elton. I remember when his entire career was built on ripping the piss out of pretentious crap like this - now he's writing it. Sell out!

Tuesday, 8 July 2003

Americans are no fun

What's the point of being a journalist if you don't sometimes make things up?

The sports editor of the Roswell Daily Record has been fired for fabricating part of a news story about a golf tournament in which he quoted a fictional character from the movie Caddyshack.

It's hardly the NY Times scandal is it?

Bush said the story contained three fictitious paragraphs referring to a "Carl Spangler" who claimed to work at the course. In "Caddyshack," Bill Murray played a golf course worker named Carl Spackler.

Jones quoted "Spangler" as saying he invented a new kind of grass for the tournament. The quotation in Jones' story is taken directly from "Caddyshack."

" 'This is a hybrid ... of bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent and northern California sensemilia (sic),' " Spangler said. " 'The amazing stuff about this, is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on the stuff.' "

Pure genius. Although I would have preferred if he had quoted Rodney Dangerfield's character (Al Czervik) and worked the words "Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!" into the article somewhere.

At the least he could have gone for this Spackler quote -

I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.

What a movie. The less said about the sequel the better though.

Jinxing the entire AFL with one touch of the keyboard

Based on this site I predict the final AFL ladder will finish like this;

1 - West Coast (70)
2 - Brisbane (70)
3 - Port Adelaide (64)
4 - Sydney (60)
5 - Adelaide (52)
6 - Essendon (52)
7 - Fremantle (52)
8 - North Melbourne (50)
9 - Collingwood (48)
10 - Hawthorn (36)
11 - St. Kilda (36)
12 - Richmond (32)
13 - Melbourne (32)
14 - Geelong (24)
15 - Carlton (20)
16 - Footscray (6)

Which will leave us with the following finals

West Coast vs Sydney
Brisbane vs Port Adelaide
Adelaide vs North Melbourne
Essendon vs Fremantle

We'll go for West Coast, Brisbane, North in an upset and Essendon as first week winners. Adelaide and the Dockers can go home.

Sydney vs North Melbourne
Port Adelaide vs Essendon

Sydney and Essendon here. We all know Port will choke.

West Coast vs Essendon
Brisbane vs Sydney

Clearly you'd have to go for the Eagles and Brisbane here.


West Coast easily. We've had our one close GF for the decade.

Will these tips be any closer to the mark than my pre-season ones? We can only hope so.

And they need a good dose of national service!

I can't understand what's going on with this film The Real Cancun. The dumbass trailer is trumpeting it as the "first ever real life movie".

I might be getting old, but back in my day (last week to be precise) we called these DOCUMENTARIES. Maybe the film is so awful (2.1 out of 10 on IMDB as we speak) it doesn't qualify to be called a doco? Or maybe they know millions of teenage boys around the world excited by the prospect of seeing tit on the big screen for the first time will be using the "Oh but mum it's a real life film!" defense to try and see it. Mysterious.

Monday, 7 July 2003


Sometimes I think it would nice to be one of those people you see who are completely unaware of their own insanity. They're completely barking mad and the rest of the world knows it, but they don't - and they're happy.

The idea of not having to worry about anything appeals to me.

Arise, next PM

Further reasons why Mark Latham should be PM,

Mr Latham seemed surprised to learn the phrase 'skanky ho' was a rap term used to describe a smelly whore.

"I don't know much about rap music, I'm a Meatloaf fan," he said.

Skanky ho? Hero! Expect his campaign song to be "I'll Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That". What 'that' refers to is up to your imagination (belting taxi drivers probably).

Rip Barry, welcome back Taylor

I missed the tragic passing of Barry White a few days ago. It's terrible, but at least it means that the long awaited comeback of Taylor Dayne can't be far away.

Incidentally I saw a greyhound once named after her - which I thought was potentially a tad harsh. Funny though. Much like her chart career it started out well and fell over on the first turn.



Sadly I don't have the link to this, but it's a classic nonetheless. The NSL is being advertised to a worldwide audience!



PATRICK KISNORBO spoke last night of his delight at joining Hearts while leaving behind a shambles of race hatred, corruption and mob violence in Australia.

The 22-year-old South Melbourne defender signed a two-year deal at
Tynecastle on Wednesday after trials at Leeds, Hammerby and FC Lorient.

And he's delighted to be given the chance to follow in the footsteps of
compatriots Craig Moore, Tony Vidmar and Mark Viduka in Scotland.

Not only does UEFA Cup football appeal to Kisnorbo, however, so does
leaving behind the constant dramas of the shambolic National Soccer
League in Australia.

The international stopper, capped five times, recalled how he and his
terrified family were caught up in ethnic violence between Greeks and
Macedonians during a FRIENDLY.

He also lifted the lid on the corruption and fraud that has seen massive financial losses for clubs and criminal investigations into senior Soccer Australia officials.

Kisnorbo said: "There is no money, funding, resources or inspiration for kids to do well.

"The NSL is not the best," added the player who is half Italian, half
Mauritian. "They tried to solve the ethnic problem by changing team
names but it has done nothing.

"There's a lot of crowd violence, especially in the derbies between
South Melbourne and Melbourne Knights.

"But the worst was when we played a charity match against Preston.
They're a Macedonian team and they and the Greeks don't mix.

"The pitch was invaded and they had to call the game off. It was

"Now I'm just happy to have left all that behind and to have the chance
to prove myself with Hearts."

That's right, the country where Celtic and Rangers fans punch-on multiple times annually in the name of religion are taking a high-and-mighty view of soccer violence.

Obligatory monday morning AFL post

So, I went to the football yesterday. Optus fricking Oval of all places, and what a complete and unmitigated slum it is. Interstate readers will probably not understand just how shonky and evil this facility is because on the off chance that they actually come over to watch a game there the crowd will always be at manageable and comfortable levels. When you put two Melbourne teams together, even one with no fans like ours, the place becomes a nightmare. I showed up at 1.30 (yeah, arrive early be damned - I only woke up at 12:30 ok?) to find all the general admission tickets were sold and I had to pay through the nose for a seat in the "Legends" stand. As much as the idea of helping to pay off John Elliot's folly of a construction deal distressed me greatly I couldn't stand to miss Melbourne so I forked over $25 (thanks student concession card. Muhahahahaha!) and took my seat.

Now, I thought I had it bad getting in there five minutes before the first bounce and having to sit amongst a bunch of idiot Carlton fans but when people were still coming in and taking their seats 29 minutes into the first quarter it made me feel a whole lot better about my situation. The place was absolutely packed. It reminded me of the time at work when we were doing some point duty shit at Optus before a match and the supervisor went "They're expecting a big crowd today, something in excess of 45,000" and I said "Well, that'll be impressive considering it only fits 30,000". Much hilarity ensued, but as I packed in with every man and his/her dog yesterday I wondered whether or not they actually had found a way to shoehorn 40,000 people in.

So how many people were actually in this crush load, near capacity, hand over all your valuables and mortgage your kidney for the right to have a seat audience? 25,000. People laugh when we get that crowd at the MCG, but here it was like being herded into a prison train and transported halfway across Europe. May we never set foot in that stadium again.

There was, however, one shining light to our days experience. After racking up a 27 point lead at 3/4 time Carlton shut up shop and we stormed home to win by seven. It was very much reminiscent of that final in 2000 when they did the same thing before Brad Green went ballistic in the last quarter and we won. He kicked the winning goal again yesterday, Carlton fans must be having nightmares about him. Neitz kicked five goals, four points, one out on the full and one inexplicable pass to the worst kick in the team Simon Godfrey (who is still a genius). The old man Mick Martyn was completely overwhelmed, and bizarrely enough Pagan didn't take him off the goalkicking machine until the fourth quarter avalanche was well and truly in action.

Two in a row. Are we bound for the finals? Not in the slighest. Could this be saving Daniher's job? Possibly, though I'm still convinced we'll benefit from a new coach at the end of the year. Who cares for now? We'll show up and play North Melbourne next Sunday and, depending on whether we play like the 1st, 2nd and 3rd or the 4th quarter yesterday, we'll see just what our season holds.


It's amazing how Australia suddenly fell in love with Mark Phillapousis again when it turned out he was actually not a complete tennis dud. Well, almost all of Australia did because he still annoys the crap out of me - and that's why I laughed heartily when Roger Federer won the Wimbledon mens final tonight. Not that I watched you understand, preface it with an AFC and you might have some chance but not for a tennis tournament.

Back to the Scud - "Oh but he's so mature now" they cry. These being the same people who would have Queen of Whinge Jelena Dokic and her nutty dad back if it guaranteed the Women's Grand Slam success that our country so desperately needs for it's future wellbeing.

I say bring back the hapless tennis strugglers like Wally Masur, Jason Stoltenberg and Rachel McQuillan for whom a spot in the third round was the equivalent of winning Wimbledon, the French Open and, god damn it, the Melbourne Cup at the same time. Those were the days.

Saturday, 5 July 2003

Half assed video game tribute

One of the most criminally underrated arcade games in history is Ring King. From 1985 this boxing game revolutionised the way we thought about fighting sports in video games, it wasn't until the Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter II invasion of six years later that it was firmly overshadowed in the gameplay stakes.

I first played it in an arcade on the Gold Coast in the early 90's, and was hooked. Every opportunity I had to play it back here I did. When an NES version suddenly appeared (and it was immediately borrowed from ABC Video in Camberwell, a venture now replaced by a $2 shop) expectations were high, but ultimately unfulfilled. To put it mildly the Nintendo version was absolutely shite, with none of the charm of the original. In the coin-op version you'd punch on with sensationally named people like "Violence Jo" and "Brown Pants" whereas on the Nintendo it would be E.Apollo or A.Madman (ha ha! Get it? A madman!). They also added some kind of shitty 'simulation' mode to try and rope real boxing fans in. Anyone who is familiar with the NES will know that for all it's good points it was NOT the system you wanted to be running a realistic simulation of anything on.

But anyway, are we supposed to be discussing the shonky NES version here? I think not.

The sound effects in the original are nothing short of genius. A typical punching/knockdown combo sounds something like *whack* *whack* *whack* *wheeeeeeeeeeeee!* as your opponent flies halfway across the ring, bounces off the ropes and lands face first on the mat for the balding, Village People rip-off referee to start counting.

When you win your boxer (known creatively as "Player") does a little dance in the middle of the ring to a celebratory tune and you start racking up cash.

Sure, the moveset is a tad limited and the only real strategy is to smack the two buttons as quickly as is humanely possible and once in a while run away from your opponent to reload before launching another attack but it still works. If only because every time one of the boxers is punched his hair explodes in a Don King like fashion.

And the ultimate? It plays a sensationally Atari-esque version of "Baby Elephant Walk" over the high score list for no apparent reason.

Ring King - Approved.

A trip

I was in the area yesterday (sort of), so I made my debut trip to Greensborough Plaza - the shopping centre so popular it has a blog devoted to it.

I must say I was underwhelmed. Pretzel World was a massive failure for me, it was my own fault for not reading this section of the blog closely enough;

In case you haven't heard of the Pretzel World franchise, it's a quasi-fast food stand on Level 2 of Greensborough Plaza, that amazingly enough, sells pretzels. Not the salty, hard kind you much on with nuts and beer, but a larger, doughier variety.

I expected a really big version of the nuts and beer variety and was vastly disappointed. Still, by the looks of it I had been their only customer all day so let's call it propping up the local economy shall we?

Apart from that it was pretty much templated from every other shopping centre in Melbourne. There were bits that looked just like Box Hill Central, Chadstone and Southland - but there was no JB Hi-Fi which automatically makes any complex look good.

I was, however, interested in the idea of wedging a kiddies playground between McDonalds Express, Red Rooster and Ispa Kebab and giving it scintillating views of the car park entry ramp. It's only a shame that most of the kids there couldn't tell where the playground started and finished and were all writhing around on the floor in front of the bemused Red Rooster staffers.

On the plus side Harvey Norman had about 25 TV's showing Fox Footy Extra as an ancient Melbourne game was on. Robbie Flower was there, Chris Connelly was there, Vin "Afro" Cattogio was there and we beat the Bulldogs by two points at Waverley. When the shop assistant came over and asked if I was interested in the television I merely responded "No, I'm watching Melbourne" and he left.

Give me Chadstone anyday. If only some dumbass would get around to building a decent way to get there on public transport.

Friday, 4 July 2003

Fun with Google

Google Zeitgeist is always an entertaining read, but sometimes they like to state the bleeding obvious;

Top Kentucky Derby Queries - May 2003
1. kentucky derby

Thanks for that!

Meanwhile Chicken has moved up to third in the "Top Food Queries" and Nelson Mandela is, for some unknown reason, the fifth most searched for person by Australians this month.

Also - has anyone else noticed how they've started automatically redirecting you to Google Australia now even if you don't type in the .au? They were doing this a few months ago and then stopped but it's back on now. If I really cared about an 'Australian' search engine I'd put in the effort to type .au at the end, clearly I don't care yet they still send me there with no option to stop it. Wankers.

Is Camberwell the new Los Angeles?

Well, maybe not. But we've got a new Subway and a new TAB.

This rivals the building booms of ten years ago when Blockbuster suddenly appeared and that of five years ago when Safeway and Target swapped places (no, really) and seven different versions of banks and chemists suddenly opened.

Speaking of this fine suburb I noticed in the paper today that the old Camberwell Cobras of the VFA are holding their "Team of the Century Reunion" on August 2nd at the Camberwell Civic Center. I miss them, they might have been pounded on a pretty much weekly basis for the last five years of their existence (see below) but at least they were honest and local.

Some of the more fearful beatings copped included six of the VFA/VFL's all time top scores for a game.

1st. 55.17(347) Williamstown d. Camberwell (10.08.86)
2nd. 46.21 (297) Coburg d. Camberwell (07.05.89)
5th. 42.20 (272) Port Melbourne d. Camberwell (13.04.86)
6th. 43.12 (270) Preston d. Camberwell (28.05.89)
9th. 39.19 (253) Williamstown d. Camberwell (20.08.89)
10th. 38.24 (252) Williamstown d. Camberwell (01.06.86)

Bring them back!

UPDATE - From an email I just got,

The following day (Sunday) we will be opening the bar at the Camberwell Sports Ground to unveil the Team Of The Century plaque, critique the selectors’ choices and screen Camberwell Grand Final highlights on the big screen. It will commence at 11am and conclude around 3pm. This will cost $15 per person and includes a BBQ lunch (drinks available at bar prices).

I am SO going to that.

It's not even April 1st

I love Centrebet, and not just because they gave me a thousand dollars once. No, the reason is because of betting options like this,

2003 Wife Carrying World Championships


I'm a bit dubious about the qualification standard that allows somebody called "Miss Unknown" to enter (and how can she be MISS if she's married eh? SCANDAL!) so I think I'll have to put my hard earned dollar on the Straatman family of the US to pull off an upset victory.

There's also betting on the winning time (55 seconds or less is the current favourite) and whether or not a world record is going down

No, I am NOT making this up (website). It's on tomorrow.

Thursday, 3 July 2003

That will hurt

Is this the highest footy score ever?

VFA 3rd's - July 23rd, 1983
Williamstown 15.9 44.17 76.20 110.27 (687)
Geelong West 1.0 1.0 2.0 2.0 (12)

Yes punters, that's a 33 goal final term. OUCH!


This is odd;

A 40-year-old registered nurse was found guilty last week of public lewdness for engaging in a ménage á trois with relatives on a moving Long Island Rail Road train last September.

The jury determined that Dennis Greene copulated with his sister-in-law, Francine Greene, 40, while she was performing oral sex on her husband, Lyle Greene, 41, a plumber. Dennis Greene denied his involvement in the sexual escapades, saying he slept through most of the ride.

The three were busted by LIRR cops in September after engaging in a group sex act during an early morning train ride from Manhattan. Several disgusted passengers complained to the conductor, but the Greenes carried on even after the conductor told them to stop, authorities said.

Would it have been better if the train were stationary at the time? Train freaks rejoice!

Elect a mentalist - Part Three

Minor parties. A word that strikes fear into Democrats across the US after Ralph Nader's Green Party tilt sabotaged their 2000 campaign and put Bush in the White House. Of course Ross Perot did the same to the first George Bush in 1992 and put Clinton in the top job, but we'll conveniently ignore that.

Let's take a quick look at some of the madder (non)contenders for the Presidency.

Jeffrey Diket (Libertarian)
This is one candidate who clearly dislikes the "Libertarian Party is Pro-Choice on Everything" buttons sold on the national party's website. Jeffrey Diket -- a social conservative seemingly at odds with much of the LP's views -- announced his candidacy for the LP Presidential nomination in April 2003. Diket told the LP News he is running as a "pro-life, anti-communist" candidate. Diket said he will focus his campaign on "the abortion issue, limitation of government through financial means, foreign policy, and the drug war." In what is clearly a slap at the party's laissez faire embrace of the gay community, Diket vows that he will "seek the support of advocates of family values instead of deviates." Diket also seeming opposes the LP's desire to legalize narcotics -- as he supports "the use of drugs to cure diseases instead of catering to addicts." Diket, 57 and legally blind, holds a master's degree in medieval history and is a freelance jazz musician in New Orleans.

Dave Hollist (Libertarian)
"If you vote for me to become the President, I will work to protect all Americans from anyone who tries to rob us. I will introduce contract insurance, which is a way that we can operate our government without taxation. During the last century, Americans eliminated the disease of slavery from our beautiful nation. This century, we should eliminate taxes,"

L. Neil Smith (Libertarian)
L. Neil Smith, a published science fiction novelist with a libertarian ideological bent, was initially the subject of a supposed draft campaign in 2000. Calling themselves the "Ad Hoc Conspiracy to Draft L. Neil Smith," they tried to generate support to "convince" Smith to run. Although the organizers initially wanted Smith to seek the Liberarian Party nomination, a cranky Smith first said he would rather run as an Independent. Although a LP member, Smith said he would not likely seek the LP nod because "the clique that owns the party would still find an excuse to reject my candidacy." Instead, Smith told the draft organizers he would run for President as an Independent if they first collect 1,000,000 signatures of voters urging him to run. Later, Smith issued a new statement clarifying that he would agree to run as the LP nominee if his supporters could secure him the 2000 nomination. Smith also sent this message for the Draft Committee: "For now, if you wish to help, buy my books ." That -- and numerous other similar comments and posting -- made it clear that Smith was directly involved in the efforts of the so-called "draft" campaign and was actively seeking the LP nomination.

Julian Heicklen (Libertarian - and you've gotta see the picture of him)
At Penn State, the colorful Heicklen -- who calls the War on Drugs "ridiculous" -- organized weekly "Marijuana Smoke Outs". He has publicly smoked marijuana to defy the Drug War, sued various government agencies for violating the Constitution, participated in non-violent sit-ins, and been arrested many times for defying restrictions on free speech and public assembly. He hoped to organize a grassroots effort to win the nomination, but found the task too daunting.

Earl Dodge (Prohibition Party)
Earl Dodge has been National Chairman of the Prohibition Party since 1979 (and he did a stint as National Chair once before in 1958-62). He has also been the party's nominee for President five times in the past, for Vice President twice, for US Senate, and five times for Colorado Governor. Dodge told Politics1 in February 2002 that he will again be the party's Presidential nominee for 2004 "unless we can find someone better." Apparently, the party didn't "find someone better" because Dodge is making his sixth White House bid as the party's nominee for President.

E. Geoff Braasch (Socialist)
He wants to use his campaign to "bring the message [of socialism] to the picket lines, union halls, churches, universities and colleges, farms, parks. We will go door to door in the working class neighborhoods as well as in the inner cities." He also vows that -- if nominated -- he will be "full-time" candidate for President.

Barbara Garson (Socialist)
Barbara Garson -- a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, author and playwright -- was the SP-USA's replacement nominee for Vice President in 1992 (after the original nominee died). Both the Greens and the Socialists have tried unsuccessfully to draft this self-described "little old Jewish lady" in recent years to run for various offices.

David McReynolds (Socialist)
McReynolds likes to describe himself as "a badly read Marxist and a Gandhian pacifist" who "never found the perfect formula to blend Marx and Gandhi." Born in 1929, McReynolds emailed Politics1 that we could also add to his profile: "Homosexual, no children. Lives with two Siamese cats in East Village since 1956. Religious Atheist."

AJ Albritton (American Republican Party)
Albritton describes the purpose of his campaign as follows: "The American candidate who is also the Victorian Candidate. The Victorian Era to be the New Model Victorian Era -- from the male point of view." Huh? He promises a "new model Star Spangled Banner" and relocation of the federal capitol.

Joseph Bellis III (America's Party)
Bellis says he is a "strict constructionist conservative." He wants to outlaw all abortions, end federal involvement in public education, transfer most crime-fighting powers to the states, withdraw the US from the United Nations and the World Bank, cancel the NAFTA and GATT treaties, tighten immigration restrictions, repeal the 16th amendment (and abolish the IRS), and block "the socialization of American medicine." He vows to run an "internet-based campaign." And he's changed his slogan again -- now he's "The Quiet Voice for a Conservative America."

Henri Calitri (Independant)
Henri Calitri sent Politics1 a lengthy, handwritten note explaining that he plans to run for President in 2004. It also set forth his rather ... umm ... unusual platform. Here are some excerpts from Calitri's note: "My political party believes in expressing as many laws to put forth as can possibly be conceived ... My dreams consist of forming a unit composed of a modern couple who will assimilate information on the magic techniques of penis enlargement through articles in popular magazines and medical journals ... I am looking forward to creating a large research office in discovering immortality for a human being to live till the age of 925 years ... At this time, I believe that I must become the President of the United States of America, or something similar, to be able to effectively do this. I want human beings to survive, most certainly on earth, as a beautiful organism, in sync with all aliens also living in this zone of space, occuring in the dimension [of] Hell." Huh? From other info found on the net, Calitri is apparently an Aries, a tow truck operator and involved in pagan/wiccan groups. He's also written an article about how tow trucks would have been useful to the ancient Egyptians during the building of the great pyramids.

Fred Cook (Independant)
After briefly contemplating a run for Congress, retired school teacher Fred Cook decided to instead make a write-in bid for President in 2000 after "nearly 50 people showed up at my front door ... [and] urged me to run for political office." By March 2000, Cook boasted that he was going to "steal the election away" because a "national online poll" had him at 34%. Of course, the poll he referenced was the one he himself conducted on his own web site! Needless to say, his 2000 campaign fizzled (he claims he won 4,217 write-in votes -- but official election statistics compiled by the FEC and others reflect that he won only a handful of write-in votes).

John Galt Jr. (Independant)
A writer, this candidate explains that he assumed the identity "John Galt Jr." several years ago after being deeply influenced by the John Galt character in Ayn Rand's classic libertarian novel Atlas Shrugged. Galt is waging a write-in campaign for President in 2004, just as he did in 2000.

Jack Grimes (United Facist Union)
Jack Grimes -- who previously ran for President as a write-in candidate in 2000 -- bills himself as the "Leader and Director of the United Fascist Union." As for his use of the word "Fascist," Grimes explains he wants to restore a New World Order based upon the governmental style of Imperial Rome "to institute a military dictatorship form of government over the Earth." Grimes believes that "the psychic is the next great step in the evolution of humankind on this planet." And it gets more weird: Grimes wants to address "the dilemmas now facing America and the whole of Western civilization: Democracy, Christianity, International Capitalism, Earth Changes, U.F.O.'s, government cover-ups, and others." Citing to Cayce and Nostradamus, Grimes predicts that "the United States will be reduced from its present size to a small triangular-shaped land mass through the loss of many of its coastal states."

Keith Judd (Independant)
Judd, who described himself as a bongo drums "musician" when he last ran for office, was a write-in candidate for Albuquerque Mayor in 1993. Judd attempted to qualify as a write-in candidate for New Mexico Governor in 1994, but abandoned that race. In 2000, he filed paperwork to run as a write-in candidate -- but showed no signs of waging any campaign. Judd -- who has since moved to a new state -- filed paperwork in Florida to again run as a write-in candidate for President in 2004.

Muadin (E-Democratic Party)
Muadin -- yup, he just uses one name -- is an announced write-in candidate for President. What does he stand for? Here are his own words:

"The people of earth must use the Internet to network and organize at the grassroots level, outside of the corporate global power structure, in a leaderless revolution of awareness and ideas, a second enlightenment, aimed at establishing e-democracy at every level of human government and in every aspect of human society and affairs. The e-democratic spirit of this leaderless cyber-revolution must culminate in a planetary e-democratic federal government through which all executive, legislative, judicial, and economic power ultimately rests directly in the hands of the people of earth." This focus includes is a requirement that Congressmen and US Senators must vote based upon e-votes on each issue cast by their constitutuents -- and that the federal government be changed from three branches into five branches (don't ask!). Other positions in his platform include a 10% flat tax, abolition of the death penalty, a constitutional ban on political parties (so all candidates must run as Independents), federal term limits, separate national election of the Vice President, repeal of the Second Amendment (gun rights) ... in fact, when we last checked, Muadin was proposing 18 constitutional amendments. If you dig through Muadin's off-beat campaign site, you can also find pix of Muadin badly cropped into poses in the White House ... and a picture of "future First Lady" Jessica Muadin (who, unlike her husband, has a full name). Muadin describes himself as a motivational speaker and President of the Planet Pilgrims Center for E-Democracy and Planetary Awareness.

Andisheh Nouraee (Independant)
Andy -- as he is simply identified throughout his campaign web site -- waged a rather racy and unusual run for President in 2000. Along with links to music and photography interests, Andy's site also gave "shopping" tips to would-be Y2K looters ("Steel garbage cans aren’t just useful for breaking storefront windows, you can also use them to carry away looted goods"). He also recommends an array of rather graphic sex books in the "notebook" section of his site. Among his various campaign slogans: "I'm So F***ing President", "Putting the 'racy' back in democracy" and "Putting the 'vice' back in service." In his humorous 2000 concession speech -- posted on the site in English and Spanish -- he wrote that he plans to "resume the writing and distribution of petulant, self-serving essays with the intent of positioning myself well for winning the presidency in 2004." Presumably, that means a second run is in the works.

Jeffrey Peters (Independant)
Peters grabbed a few headlines in October 2000 with his "Boston TV Party" -- when he vowed to dump some TV sets into Boston harbor to protest the exclusion of third party candidates (like himself) from the first Bush-Gore Presidential Debate in Boston.

Andrew Rotramel (Independant)
It's hard to take a Presidential candidate seriously when his campaign site is peppered with comments like "When I die, I want my remains scattered in a nice wooded area. The only catch is that I don't want to be cremated first" and "One of my resolutions for this year my resolution is to do something useful around the house each day, like flush." Rotramel readily admits he has no chance of winning. Instead, he wants to "make my positions on various issues known. I hope to influence some to a more enlightened way of seeing the world." His liberal platform includes abolishing the death penalty, legalizing prostitution and narcotic drugs, and amending the constitutional Bill of Rights to guarantee a right to food, shelter and health care. He also wants to make anarchist professor Noam Chomsky -- who recently called the US the "world's leading state sponsor of terrorism" -- the National Security Advisor.

Dan Snow (Independant)
He is also very active in groups related to bass fishing. He was the two-time President of the Kentucky Bass Federation, a Founding Board Member of the Bass Research Foundation, and the first Chairman of the Angler's Advisory Committee to the Bass Research Foundation. When President Carter loosened travel restrictions to Cuba, Snow was the first to organize a group trip there (and, yes, it was a bass fishing group). If elected, he promises to "restore the 'freedom to travel' for the American people." As for foreign policy, he condemned the Iraq war against Saddam Hussein as "an illegal and immoral war." He also supports abolishing the IRS, establishing a system of universal health care, the election of federal judges, legalization of prostitution and drugs, ending the tax-exempt status for churches, passage of the livable wage, and "an end to vulgar and profane music being played on public TV and radio."

Da Vid (The Light Party)
Da Vid is the nominee of "The Light Party" -- which is a political entity entirely controlled by party founder "Da Vid, M.D., Wholistic Physician, Human Ecologist & Artist."

When you join the Light Party (cost: a $33 donation), Vid will send you a CD of New Age music and a music video" designed to inspire, delight, heal & enlighten" ... but, wait, there's more. If you join now, he'll throw in a "Wholistic Health Maintenance and Rejuvenation Manual" and other groovy stuff ... operators are waiting for your call. He says that he is not running to win votes, but rather to focus attention on some issues he really cares about -- and says that "millions of people" support the goals of his political movement.

Kurt Weber-Heller (Christian Phalangist Party of American)
Weber-Heller co-founded the CFPA in 1985. A "Falangist" -- just in case you've forgotten -- is a follower of the authoritarian political views advocated by the late Spanish dictator Francisco Franco (to wit: largely a blend of 1930s fascist ideology, strong nationalism and conservative Catholic theology). Outside of Spain, Falanagists in Lebanan succeeded in electing Bashir Gemayel as President in 1982 -- but he was assassinated by Muslim terrorists before taking office. The CFPA "is dedicated to fighting the 'Forces of Darkness' which seeks to destroy Western Christian Civilization." The CFPA site explicitly defines "Forces of Darkness" as being "Radical Islam, Communism/Socialism, the New World Order, the New Age movement, Third Position/Neo-Nazis, Free Masons, Abortionists, Euthanasianists, Radical Homosexuals and Pornographers." Numerous attacks against Islam can be found throughout the CFPA site. Yet, despite this lengthy list of foes that it wishes to destroy -- umm, "defend" themselves against (the wording they use) -- the CFPA helpfully notes it is "not a hate organization and does not condone acts of violence or hatred towards those of differing or opposing viewpoints and lifestyles, nor does it condone racism in any form."

Tom Wells (Family Values Part)
Wells is running for President again in 2004 for the same reason that he founded the ultra-conservative, theocratic party: because -- explains Wells on his site -- God directly spoke to him in his bedroom on December 25, 1994 at 2:00 a.m. and commanded him to do so. Wells' political platform is largely derived from religious fundamentalism -- including numerous citations to Biblical passages -- with an ultimate goal of banning all abortions ("the premeditated murdering of GOD'S innocent children"). He is also opposed to homosexuality, tobacco products, tattoos, alcohol, drugs and gambling -- and supports all of the Ten Commandments. If you disagree with any of these views, Wells writes on his site you are not allowed to contribute any money to his campaign.

James Wright (Independant)
Wright -- along with runningmate Leonard "Len" Foster -- are conservatives who denounce both major parties, former President Clinton, the FBI, etc. Like several others listed on this page, the Wright-Foster team is running an Internet-based campaign under the banner of "Independence USA." Blasting "politicians, corporations, and foreign powers," Foster vows to return control of "America to the Americans" and protect individual rights. Wright was previously a write-in candidate for President in 1992 and 2000. Except for adding a mid-page reference to the Wright Presidential Campaign 2004, it is hard to find any updates to the site since his 2000 run.

Wednesday, 2 July 2003


The trend of interstate football fans deciding that there are too many teams in Melbourne continues. As a great man might have once put it, "Fuck off, and fuck off now".

What, exactly, would knifing more Victorian teams achieve? I don't see more than a tiny percentage of St.Kilda/North/Melbourne/Hawthorn/Footscray/Whoever fans ever agreeing to support another side. A merger might get you 50% of the supporters of each club leaving you in exactly the same position you started, and just culling a team would lose 95% of them. Mark my words interstate snobs, we will not all turn around a follow another side if ours is murdered.

When the Melbourne/Hawthorn merger was in prospect, with their horrid colors, evil jumper and worse-than-Port Power theme song, I claimed that I was going to become a Fremantle fan if it went through. Pick the dodgiest team in the league so you can have the minimum of emotional interest in them and happily never watch football again. Thankfully it didn't happen, because I would never have been able to carry it through with more than a token amount of interest. I'd have to have found another team to follow religiously - it might have even been a *shudder* basketball team. Let's not even think about the horrors of that.

If Melbourne were to, god forbid, fold today I'd expect the supporters to do exactly the same thing Fitzroy fans did and start a new club. It might not be the big-time, but it's something more than being used as a stooge to give a soulless bunch of interstate duds a decent theme song and logo like the Lions were.

Long may the league prop up the Victorian clubs. After all, without us there wouldn't be a competition. Let's see the interstate tossers carry the league for more than a hundred seasons, rather than just one, before they decide it's their turn to run the freaking thing.

Elect a mentalist - Part Two

Yesterday we took a look at the fruitcake contingent running for the Republican presidential nomination. Today, in the interest of fair and balanced political reporting we'll check out some of the weirdos who have decided that the Democratic nomination is ripe for the picking. It's only 389 days until the Democratic National Convention! Will one of these people be there claiming victory? Probably, even if they've recieved 25 votes between them.

Thanks again to let's meet some lefty loons.

Warren Ashe
From the information he filed with Project Vote Smart, Mr. Ashe appears to be one of the more ... umm ... eccentric candidates in the 2004 race. Ashe says he holds a doctorate degree from North Carolina State University. Then again, Ashe also claims to have been "President, United Nations, 1973-2003 ... Appointed President, United States White House, 1981-2003 ... Candidate, United States President, 2000 ... Vice President, West Wing - Carter Administration, 1977-1981 ... [and] Vice President, West Wing - Ford Administration, 1973-1977." He also claims to be a Navy veteran, an Army veteran AND an Air Force veteran. And he writes he owns a $40 million corporation, too.

Jerry Beck
Beck says the current welfare system "supports the undeserving and does not help the hardworking man down on his luck." His other concern is restoring prayer to public schools to affirm moral values. Beck previously ran for President in 1996 and 2000, but failed to secure ballot status in any primary states.

Sanderson Beck
His platform can be summed up in the following statement: "We need to learn how to make peace and establish justice ... by protecting everyone's rights, learning how to share our wealth rather than merely exploit people, and trust in democratic institutions that recognize the votes of all. We need a steady process of disarmament with very careful inspection so that no individual, group, or state can terrorize other people. Finally, we need world democracy that can enforce law fairly for all, not a group of powerful nations imposing their selfish will with national military forces."

James Bollinger
Mr. Bollinger also seems to have exaggerated his credentials a bit. Bollinger claims he is former Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Assistant Advisor to the United States Mint, Under Secretary of [Not Specified Department] for Economic Affairs, Business Advisor to Congress, and "Bird Watcher, Forest Service United States."

Willie Carter
His political experience seems limited to his membership in the Gardena Valley Democratic Club of Southern California.

Randolph Crow
In an email to Politics1 in 2000, Crow explained his motives: "I am involved in politics to get rid of filthy communists and lots of others." He also believes the FBI blew up TWA Flight 800 with a laser and shot down Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan's 2000 campaign plane. On his website, Crow repeatedly expresses open hatred towards Jews (Example: "Vietnam was a zioni$t manipulated War designed to kill our Christian kids and install na$i communi$t zioni$m in the Vietnam region"). Most of the contents of Crow's site, however, appear to be rambling conspiracy tirades against various envisioned enemies: "It has been 13 years since the FBI fessed up to the fact they were investigating me. All my files are classified ... In 1994 the Federal Force manipulated a bunch of mess which questioned my sanity ... I think the Force had some weird blood work done on me or possibly put a computer chip in me." Crow was upset that we quoted these various passages so he printed a rather long, rambling screed on the site denouncing Politics1 as a "zioni$t" tool out to destroy him (he even attacked us for referring to him above as -- gasp -- a "former realtor" because, he notes, he only dabbled in real estate in the past).

Albert Hamburg
Perennial candidate Al Hamburg has lost 14 consecutive bids for President and for Governor, US Senate and Congress. He proudly describes himself as the "Very Independent UNPOPULAR Candidate" -- unpopular, he explains, because the special interests and bureaucrats hate him (well, that ... and maybe also because of the Nazi helmet he's wearing in his photo).

James Prattas
His autobiographic story -- from his 2000 campaign site -- told of near death experiences (including meeting God and seeing angels), meeting celebrities, his fights with the US military after being wounded in Vietnam, death threats against him by the Hawaiian Mafia, a plot by President G.H.W. Bush's friends to have him arrested when he wanted to challenge Bush in the 1992 race, his past use of marijuana, his divorce, and more.

Oloveuse Savior
Ole Savior, an eccentric artist and poet, has been a frequent candidate in Minnesota over the years for many federal, state and local offices. He usually finishes around the back the of the pack -- but he keeps on running. His top three concerns are a "nuclear-free world, [ending] world hunger, and better education for all mankind." His favorite movie is The Terminator, his favorite TV show is X-Files and his favorite book is the Bible's Book of Revelations. If elected, he promises to "create a new and more peaceful world for the next generation of children."

Of course they have their "withdrawn candidate" nutters too,

Steven Malloy
Malloy filed FEC paperwork in 2001 declaring his "world wide" candidacy for President. In April 2003, he sent the FEC a letter "retracting" his candidacy.

Kenneth McFaddin
Kenneth McFaddin reported to the FEC that he raised just $25 for his campaign, before he withdrew from the race in September 2002.

Al Sharpton is a madman too, but he's a 'major' candidate so that's alright (?).

Back tomorrow with a look at minor party madness. There's everything from the far left, to the far right and the "What the fuck were you smoking?" candidates.

Another great Australian denied his rightful place in history...

When are the AFL Hall of Fame going to get serious and induct Allen Jakovich? It's been more than ten years since his footballing juggernaut began, and still no recognition.


Oh, and Jeff Hilton too while they're at it. Jim Stynes is just the beginning, there's a massive Melbourne stack to be had.

Tuesday, 1 July 2003

Elect a mentalist

What kind of psychopath would decide that George W Bush isn't right-wing enough and attempt to run against him for the Republican Presidential nomination?

These idiots for starters. There's a wealth of piss-taking opportunities to be had within so you've got to read the whole thing, but here are some highlights.

Thomas Fabish
Fabish is making his fourth run for President in 2004. Fabish previously ran in 1992, 1996 and 2000. In 1992, he actually qualified for the New Hampshire primary ballot -- and finished in 31st place (25 votes).

Reverend Jack Fellure
Fellure believes that President George H.W. Bush was responsible for fanning "the flames of international, Satanic, Marxist socialism to the exclusion of our national sovereignty." Further, Fellure said that President Clinton subsequently "shifted into overdrive the socialistic, Marxist New World Order agenda." He says our country is "being destroyed by atheists, Marxists, liberals, queers, liars, draft-dodgers, flag-burners, dope addicts, sex perverts and anti-Christians."

Michael Idrogo
His campaign site reads like a Navy recruitment poster: "I fully support the finest Navy in the world and ALL service members and Veterans! ... Our newest Navy aircraft carriers -- 90,000 tons of diplomacy! Our UNITED STATES NAVY ... ANYTIME! ... ANYWHERE!" You can also find other odds-and-ends on his site ranging from a statement supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage to a recent picture of Idrogo with a metal detector in Dealy Plaza in Dallas "searching for the truth" about the 1963 JFK assassination.

Donnie Kennedy
Finally, Kennedy would like to use primary federal matching funds to explain "why the South was and is right!" In the aftermath of the GOP leadership dumping Senator Trent Lott's as Majority Leader for his warm comments about Strom Thurmond's 1948 segregationist Presidential campaign -- particularly Bush's role helping to push Lott out -- Kennedy decided in January 2003 to file federal paperwork to make the run. Kennedy plans to only seek ballot status only in Southern primary states.

Millie Howard
Millie Howard, who ran previously ran for President in 1992, 1996 and 2000, is making a fourth bid in 2004. In fact, her flexible slogan of "Millie Howard for President USA 1992 and Beyond" is easily adaptable to as many runs as Howard desires to make.

Louis Rapuano Jr.
Louis Rapuano is making his second run for President in 2004. In 2000, he briefly flirted with a White House run. This time, he's partially filed FEC paperwork four times to run -- four times, that is, because he's yet to file a completed form with the FEC. Usually, he takes the first page of the form, writes his name and address on it, and then attaches various handwritten notes about how his campaign is coming along. From his notes, he attended some college and "helps out" with his local town GOP organization. As for his net worth, he stated on questionnaire: "$25 in savings account." In case you were wondering, his political hero is Ronald Reagan and his favorite movie is Rambo.

Then there's the people who previously announced they were going to have a crack but quit because they're even more bonkers than the people who are still running,

Yehanna Joan M.M. Malone
In her August 2002 withdrawal letter to the FEC, she wrote that she decided to attend college and earn a bachelor's degree in religious studies as a better way to "serve my God-Trinity, my Savior Jesus Christ, be more like him, and truly make a difference in this world ... Politicians have done nothing but steal from me."

Kenneth Stremsky
Here are some excerpts from his rather lenghty homepage: "I discuss human rights on page two of this website ... Page nine of this website has some samples of my sense of humour and my creativity ... I discuss unions on page fifteen of this website ... I am willing to answer most questions that do not deal with my health, my family, and my sex life ... I am a Renaissance person and I may answer questions truthfully in different ways at different times ... I have been in awe of the nude adult woman art form since I was a child when I used to look at paintings, pictures, and drawings of women in magazines and books ... I may pose for a nude adult art class at a college in the future ...."

What a complete bunch of nutters. Imagine being so much of a twat you make Bush look like a credible alternative? Shockingly many of the Democratic no-hopers are equally crazy, and some the Third Party candidates make all of the above look like geniuses - so we'll rip the piss out of them on another day.

Australian Military = life of the party

AUSTRALIAN sailors had sex on the beach, streaked through military buses and pranced naked with rolled-up burning paper stuck between their buttocks in a wild, drunken romp at a US outpost in the Indian Ocean.

Among the allegations were widespread drunkenness, urinating in public, overt public male-to-male kissing and abuse of foreign military personnel.

I'm proud of the boys.

Americans are self-centered pricks - Shock horror!

Fuck the shonky war on terror, war on Iraq and all his electoral rorts - THIS is the #1 reason why Bush must not be reelected as far as I'm concerned. It's all very well and good to be fighting the good fight to end terror, but when you're deliberately messing with the lives of people in the rest of the world to appease some kind of wacky god-type-guy you're as big a prick as the terrorists as far as I'm concerned.

From the BBC;

Wendy Wright is a genuinely concerned woman. Concerned Women of America is the name of the political lobby group she works for. Fiercely anti-abortion, their aim is to bring biblical values to US policy.
"It's funny how the moral positions are usually the healthier, safer and politically sensible positions," she says, speaking at her home in Washington.

On his first business day in office, with the support of voters like Wendy, President George W Bush started a war few people have heard about - his war on abortion.

The anti-abortion movement is growing stronger under Bush

He reinstated an old policy from the Reagan days called the Mexico City policy or "gag rule".

The rule states that the United States will not allow its overseas aid money to be used to fund groups that carry out or provide any kind of advice or information about abortion.

Hundreds of women's health organisations in the poorest nations of the world - places where maternal mortality and infant death are high - faced a tough choice. Either sign the gag rule and be silenced on abortion, or refuse and lose millions of dollars in US aid.

Most refused to sign. As a result, thousands of family planning clinics across the developing world have closed their doors, making access to vital contraceptives hard to come by.

The US aim was to cut abortion worldwide, but has it worked?

I travelled to Ethiopia - a country where abortion is illegal but where a recent study at Addis Ababa hospital found half of all female deaths there were caused by botched back-street abortions. Here the cost of silence can be high.

One of the most upsetting moments was standing outside a one-room tin hut where Asmara, a prostitute, had bled to death just hours earlier.

Aged 22, she received condoms from the local Marie Stopes clinic. It closed when the US cut its cash after it failed to sign. She got pregnant and died.

"She had no money to go to hospital, so became too weak to move, then she died," her friend told me.

On the other side of Addis Ababa is Molu, living with nine children in one room. She has been told one more baby will kill her.

But the clinic that gives her the pill for free is shutting. There is no other clinic.

Molu says if she gets pregnant again, she will carry out her own abortion with wire.

"Either way I will die," she says with chilling fatality.

In the region of Nazareth in Ethiopia's highland plains, I met Amare Badada of the Ethiopian Family Guidance Association.

Mr Badada lists rape, forced marriage and genital mutilation as part of daily life for women.

"These women will always find a way to abort somehow," he said. "If they are forced to give birth they throw the children into latrines or abandon them for the hyenas to eat them."

Mr Badada refused to sign the gag rule, and has since watched his organisation's family planning clinics close down one after the other. In the region of Nazareth, there were 54 clinics last year. Next year there will be just 10.

Each clinic serves approximately 500 women who walk an average of 10 kilometres (six miles) to get there. The impact of the closures is immense.

"Under the gag rule, I can treat a woman who comes bleeding after an illegal abortion but I am not allowed to warn her of the dangers before she goes," Mr Badada said. "We should not be told what to think and say.

"It is hypocritical to allow US taxpayers' money to be used to fund abortion in the States but not here.

"The US is driving women into the hands of back-street abortionists."

Getachew Bekele, Ethiopian director of Marie Stopes International, who also refused, says: "It hasn't worked to cut abortion. All it has done is deprive women of condoms."

A key aim of the American anti-abortion lobby is to silence Marie Stopes, which is lobbying to overturn the abortion laws in Ethiopia and other places where it is illegal.

Under President Bush, the anti-abortion movement is stronger than ever.

Supporters believe every woman has the right to have as many babies as God plans. They also believe the high death-rate of mothers in labour, and the numbers of unwanted babies can be tackled with an alternative solution - abstinence.

Mr Bush has won plaudits for his promise to spend $15bn to fight Aids, but few people know that one-third of the money set aside for prevention is to go to faith-based, abstinence-only programmes.

But not all Americans agree. Wendy Turnbull works for Population Action International - a pro-choice lobby group.

"How can we look Africa in the eye and say here you go - here's the money, but we tell you how to spend it. How arrogant is that?"

But Wendy Wright remains convinced America knows best.

"It's not that I know what is right for other women," she says. "It's that I know what is right."

Wendy Wright is clearly a moron.

Canadian idiots take book far too seriously

I think this spoils the "Who snuffs it at the end of Harry Potter" storyline, so I'll make you click to read it to make sure some 12-year-old kids don't come around and bomb my house for spoiling the surprise for them.

From the Toronto Star,

Sirius Black: Noble wizard slain in battle

The Ministry of Magic is saddened to announce the death of Sirius Black, a ranking wizard who was godfather to Harry Potter, the famous Boy Who Lived.
Mr. Black was slain in battle between the Order of the Phoenix, the secret organization that has been recently revived to oppose the return of You-Know-Who, and a squad of Death Eaters inside the Ministry of Magic headquarters.

Previously Mr. Black, a graduate of Hogwart, had been sought in an intensive manhunt after his escape, two years previous, from Azkaban - the only inmate ever to escape the prison and its Dementor guards.

Mr. Black had been wrongly convicted 12 years ago, the ministry can now reveal, for the mass murder of 12 muggles and one wizard during You-Know-Who's first reign of terror.

"No wizard has done more to oppose evil and the dark arts," said Hogwart's headmaster Albus Dumbledore. "He shall be greatly missed."

Mr. Black, it can also now be revealed, was an Animagus whose shape-shifting talents helped him avoid recapture.

Those crazy Canucks!

Egil Olsen Day 2003

Born on April 22nd, 1942 a distinguished career with Ostsiden, Sarpsborg, Frigg (!) and Valerenga saw him capped 16 times for the Norweigan national team before a move into management.

Coach of the Norweigan national football side from 1990 to 1998, including two World Cup campaigns and a famous victory over Brazil during France '98. Before his rise to the top job they were nothing short of European minnows - the Macedonia or Lithuania of their day - by the time he left they might not have been feared by the Italians, French or English but they were certainly respected.

Appointed as Manager of Wimbledon on August 7th, 1999. The press, and some fans took an immediate dislike to Olsen. It didn't help that he looked like an elderly member of Ah-Ha, wore a distinctive pair of gumboots everywhere and spoke in a sort of strange sporting marxist fashion. It was all about working together as a collective towards the goal of seeing the Dons play in Europe. "He's a foreigner!" they said. "We've never heard of him!". Who, though, had ever heard the name Arsene Wenger before he took over at Arsenal? He came from the freaking Japanese league while Olsen had a proven track-record of successfully managing under-resourced and ordinary sides. I know which one I would have chosen at the time.

"There are two teams I have dreamt about managing - Brazil and Wimbledon" he said on his appointment to the club. Was it legit, or purely "I want you to want me" bluster? We'll never know I suppose, but the evidence presented tends to point to it being at least partly true. His ultra-defensive style that frustrated the world during two World Cups would theoretically fit in perfectly with a side who, in the public's view, had survived for more than ten years in a league much classier than they had any right to be involved with by playing a brand of negative long-ball soccer.

The season started well enough. A 3-2 win over Watford ensured maximum points on opening day but there wasn't to be another league win until October 16th when a Hartson double and Cort goal ensured another 3-2 victory, this time against Bradford.

It had certainly been anything but the negative, dour football the hacks had predicted. The team had already scored three goals in a game five times that year, including two League Cup games. We almost pulled off one of the great upsets at Old Trafford as well - Olsen signing Walid Badir, an Israeli international, opened the scoring after a quarter of an hour and we held on grimly until Jordi Cruyff cheated an equaliser with twenty minutes left. I remember kicking my couch when that goal went in. The problem wasn't, however, scoring goals but rather conceding them at too rapid a rate. 74 in 38 games at the end of the year despite having one of the Premierships best keepers at the time told a story of it's own.

A strong win against Leeds followed, but as a number of draws highlighted relegation as a real possibility a 5-0 massacre of Watford gave us some hope that the great WFC Premier League dream might carry on for another season at least. Sadly too many factors seemed to go against us.

He tried to impose a new tactical scheme on the side, one that had worked so well for him as an international manager, with mixed results. The idea of playing tall strikers down the wing increased the goal-scoring options ten-fold but the failure of defenders to grasp the intricacies of zone defending meant the goals leaked in at an astounding rate. A 5-1 hammering at the hands of Sheffield Wednesday went hand in hand with 4-0 capitulations against Everton and Derby and a 4-1 flogging by Leeds, after we'd been 1-0 in front.

"What I fear most is bad luck. For example, a mad referee." - Olsen

The last win in the top flight came against Leicester on November 3rd. A Carl Cort winner in the 87th minute lifted us well into the mid-table and all that was needed for survival was a good consistent run home. Then Olsen could clear the dead wood, and those not willing to adapt to his plans, and recruit the right side to meet his requirements. Sure, they might have all ended up as Scandanavians but who cared as long as it meant the Dons were in the big-time and winning.

Then it really went wrong. After seven consecutive losses, ten games without a win, and a slide into the relegation zone the players started panicking - Hartson, Cort and Hughes all called for a change of manager during the summer. Ex-manager Joe Kinnear, the man who paid seven and a half million pounds for the clearly unfit (i.e FAT) Hartson and then had a heart-attack fired up as well - "Olsen has ripped the heart out of my Wimbledon" he claimed. "Fuck off" replied a great portion of the fanbase. This was, after all, the tosser who publically supported moving the entire team to Dublin years before Koppell ever floated the idea of packing up the club and shifting to Milton Keynes.

In light of his zany semi-communist sporting philosophies it was ironic that he was sacked by his countryman and WFC Chairman Gjelstein on May 1st, 1999 after the side slumped to a 3-0 defeat at Bradford City. Terry Burton, later sacked in outrageous fashion by well-known moron Charles Koppell, took over but it was too late to salvage the season as a last day loss at Southampton and Liverpool's surely corrupt throwing of a game against Bradford ('88 Cup Final payback I think) sealed our fate.

His final tally as manager was 43 games for 11 wins, 12 draws and 20 losses.

Many Wimbledon fans lay the blame for our relegation from the Premier League solely at the gumbooted feet of Olsen, but I disagree. The tide of money pouring into the top flight ensured that sooner, rather than later, we'd succumb to the pressure of being the top flights 'poor' relation and go down. The whinging of the players, general misery of a great deal of the supporter base and backroom fighting between (alleged) tax cheat Sam Hammam and the Norweigan powerboat racers who would eventually put Charles Kopell in charge all contributed to add an air of farce to the clubs survival tilt.

Egil, you might have been mad and you might have been the man who relegated us. But somebody has to show you some love, and that's me.

Consider this analysis of the man, and tell me he's not some kind of genius,

A manager who travels back from Sunderland on the train with supporters, goes home by tube and conducts a post-match analysis with slightly tipsy fans while standing in the carriage is plenty Crazy Gang spirit for me.

Egil "Drillo" Olsen (1999-2000). We salute you!