Saturday, 20 December 2008

TSP's Office Xmas Party Bingo checklist

If you're playing my new game this year then you might find any of the following on your game card.

* Inappropriate displays of affection
* A public pash
* A private pash that gets busted
* A private shag
* A public shag (please note - if this happens stop playing bingo and start taking pictures)
* Shouting for no apparent reason
* Singing
* Soft drug consumption
* Hard drug consumption
* Workmate vs workmate violence
* Public hurling/urination/worse
* Excess removal of clothing
* General bad behaviour (WILDCARD SPOT)
* Flirting by the married
* Knocking a drink over
* Breaking a glass
* Somebody paying to do shots when regular drinks are free
* Inappropriate anecdotes or jokes
* Strangers cracking onto strangers
* Passing out in a public place
* Passing out in a toilet/cupboard/carpark and being found
* Being escorted out by your workmates
* Being escorted out by security and going quietly
* Being escorted out by security and making noise about it
* Punching on with security
* Police attendance for any reason
* Lifetime bans from the venue for person or company

TSP's Top 50 of 2008

The rules - as always. Two tracks per artist maximum, no covers, re-releases only if 2008 was the first time I'd heard it. The final rule is crucial because if it weren't in effect Champion by Kanye West would have been in the top 5 due to having been released as a single/video this year, but is DQ'ed because I heard it right at the end of last year and whacked it in at #27 before realising how much I liked it. So it goes...

Before we begin this year - trimmed to 50 to avoid the sort of half-interesting slops that filled 51-100 in the countdown last time around - a quick look at the previous top 5's.


1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot
2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure
3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La
4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
5. Bloc Party - Helicopter


1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill
2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It
3. Silvia Night - Congratulations
4. Lily Allen - LDN
5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me


1. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!
2. New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream
3. The Teenagers - Homecoming
4. Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent
5. Jack Penate - Spit At Stars

And now, the most prestigious prize in all of music.

50. Kanye West - Paranoid
He got divorced, discovered weird vocal effects and lost his mind.

49. Hercules in NY - Nightlight
No video, so just make up a song in your head along the same theme. Or sing Flashlight by Parliament and change the words.

48. The Galvatrons - When We Were Kids

47. Glasvegas - Go Square Go
Continually feted as the "next big thing" though I'm not entirely sure why. They've got a few good tunes, but singing depressing lyrics in an accent once removed from the Proclaimers doth not a U2 make. Move to Vegas, become Mormons, grow ludicrous facial hair (yes, even the girl) and then come and talk to me.

46. Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody

45. Goldfrapp - Cologne Cerrone Houdini
Non-disco Goldfrapp = James Bond theme orchestra action and slink but alas far less excitement than the Frapp we know.

44. The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name
Best listened to when off chops. I swear I heard this last year, but it's not in that countdown so here it is in this one.

43. Black Francis - Seven Fingers
No matter what he does we're all still waiting for something approaching the best of the Pixies. Don't hold your breath fans.

42. Florence And The Machine - Girl With One Eye
Senseless brutality from the knife crime capital of the western world.

41. Elbow - One Day Like This
Like a power ballad without power

40. REM - Accelerate
REM in "album not so bad, but still not as good as they used to be" shocker.

39. Goldfrapp - Happiness

38. Jaguar Love - The Man With The Plastic Suns
Shouty and lacking a real video.

37. The Killers - Human
The chorus is a bit bleh, but otherwise not so bad. Certainly better than that soul/soldier fiasco from a few years back.

36. Foxboro Hot Tubs - Mother Mary
Shhh, it's really Green Day in disguise. Oh, what do you mean everyone already knew? Fuck the internet. Sadly for them it's better than anything they've released under their real name for years.

35. The Gaslight Anthem - Old White Lincoln
The "even more convincing than The Killers" heirs to Springsteen's legacy

34. Little Jackie - 28 Butts
Album tracks = shaky mobile phone footage on Youtube.

33. The Anomalies - Bamboo Beats

32. British Sea Power - Canvey Island

31. Ida Maria - Stella
Prostitute spends a night with God. It doesn't end how you think.

30. Sportsday Megaphone - I Think It's Love

29. TV On The Radio - Halfway Home
Briefly thinks it's the Ramones. Could be a bad thing, especially when sung by a black man with the most impressive facial hair since Peter Russell Clarke, but they pull it off. Anecdote corner - I used to get the radio on my TV when I was a kid and it freaked me the fuck out. So did Peter Russell Clarke. Spooky!

28. Heloise and the Savoire Faire - Downtown
She used to be Peaches bodyguard you know. I wouldn't fuck with her if this picture is anything to go by.

27. Duran Duran - Zoom In
Yes, they're still around and not as bad as you remembered. Frighteningly enough an ABC track almost nudged into the 50 as well. Welcome back gents, but really why bother making a video when you're Duran Duran - who's playing it?

26. Kaiser Chiefs - Never Miss A Beat
If they ever do anything remotely approaching I Predict A Riot again I'll eat somebody else's hat, but this is at least better than everything on the second album. Catchy, stupid and somehow managing to get itself played on Triple M. Pity nobody's listening.

25. Eli 'Paperboy' Reed and the True Loves - Stake Your Claim
In a fair world would be making Buble style money. In the real world doesn't even have his own video.

24. Supergrass - Diamond Hoo Ha Man

23. The Hold Steady - Sequestered In Memphis
Last year's winners come in again with their first of two entries from an album referred to as "not bad, but not quite as good as the last one" by noted musical reviewer.. me. P.S - The essential tracks begin here.

22. The Shortwave Set - No Social
The song which gives us the helpful but mystifying advice that "a dog dressed in clothes is still a dog". Remember that.

21. Flight Of The Conchords - Ladies Of The World
Novelty tracks that are like real songs are a good thing.

20. Ian Carey Project - Get Shaky

This year's token "heard whilst smashed and loved" club track.

19. Neon Neon - Michael Douglas

Surprisingly little to do with the man himself. More interested in his eyewear.

18. Little Jackie - The World Should Revolve Around Me

The former Imani Coppola (remember "Legend of a Cowgirl"? No, me neither) returns with two entries in her new persona as a female rap type female.

17. Ben Folds - The Bitch Went Nuts

Perfect timing for Christmas season. Always bring a date who does a truckload of coke and yells "fuck Dick Cheney". Another reason why you shouldn't bring Germaine Greer as your date this year. Other than the fact that she looks like a hrose.

16. LMFAO - Yes

Has homemade written all over it.

15. Esser - Headlock

Proof that domestic violence is ok as long as it's happening to a man.

14. The Hold Steady - Constructive Summer

This year's album lacked anything killer on a par with the best tracks off their last one, but there was still worthy contenders dotted throughout.

13. British Sea Power - No Lucifer

The song that should have had people chanting "Easy! Easy!" across the world. Don't bother reading the lyrics in the clip, it'll just make you think less of the track.

12. Black Kids - Look At Me (When I Rock Witchoo)

In a word.. stomping

11. Elbow - The Fix

The best horse racing scandal related moment since the Fine Cotton affair. No painted horses and dodgy New Zealand trainers here - it's all silky smooth and classy like a movie from the 1950's.

10. REM - Supernatural Superserious

Yeah, they're still around. I'm as suprised as you. And with this track they dominated - even more shocking.

9. Flight Of The Conchords - Inner City Pressure

Best novelty song since Silvia Night's "Congratulations" from the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. Eschews novelty song stupidity for cleverness and - brace yourself - comedy.

8. Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire

I still maintain that their first album was their best, but the days of Red Morning Light seem a million years away. Potentially the first time that a number 1 chart song has ever made my top 10.

7. The Hollows - Why

Frankly depressed singer in rap-esque whinge mode. Score.

6. Heloise and the Savoir Faire - Canadian Changs

Lost one place for rhyming gorilla and chinchilla. No real video, so enjoy gawking at some random French women dancing in their apartment instead.

5. Fryars - Olive Eyes

The most sinister thing EVER RELEASED. I feel like it should be sung by that perve who locked his family in the basement.

4. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream

Fittingly, in a year where a Duran Duran song can crack the top 50 comes the greatest song they never wrote. Warning! Video clip contains two people pissfarting around!

3. MGMT - Electric Feel
(Embedding disabled by request of tightarsed record company - click for video)
I'm sure I heard this last year, and even had it in the countdown but the records say no so here it is again. Cue buzz band of the year hijinks and me actually stopping dead in the middle of a game of indoor soccer when I heard it on the radio for the first time.

2. Neon Neon - Luxury Pool
Unbelievably there is no clip of this song on YouTube. No video (it's an album track), no live performances. Nothing. Deserves more on the standout track of the album of the year, Stainless Style. The concept? Strap yourself in - it's about the life of John DeLorean, the creator of the DMC-12 motorcar (the one from Back To The Future) and his shambolic life up to and including trying to sell a truckload of coke to keep his company afloat. Quality.

1. Lethal Bizzle - The Come Up

I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. The first time that twee indie pop has been dislodged from the top of the chart, and it's by a stomping East London grime track. Shits all over anything that Kanye West or any of the popular 'urban' artists are delivering. Unlikely to ever be heard on the radio here - unless somebody gives me the keys to their station and a free reign to cause chaos.

Anything I missed? Bad luck I'm not adding it, but I'd be happy to hear about it.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Reasons why I’m bitter and twisted #432

At the risk of raising the ire of the keeper of the spatulas there are three companies who I have vowed never to have anything to do with ever again. Even the mere mention of their name makes my blood pressure go through the roof, which is a bit of a shame given that they’re all fairly massive and hard to avoid. From the bottom of the grief register up..

3) TRU Energy
When I lived in Camberwell we’d receive normal sized bills every few months, pay them and never think about it again. Then one month they decided that we owed them $1200. Rarely has the opening of a seemingly normal envelope ever led to so many expletives being delivered in such a short stretch of time.

I read further and it was revealed that they’d ‘estimated’ our power usage because it was impossible to get to the meter box. The first question was whether they’d estimated it by comparing Toorak Road, Camberwell to Mexico City. Secondly, how come they had no trouble finding the meter box for so long before suddenly going completely blind and stupid and not being able to see where it was. Especially considering that it’s ON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE. It’s not like I was living in the penthouse of Eureka Towers, it was right there and I could see it.

Easy enough to fix you’d think. Called them, informed them that it was actually quite easy to find the meter box and that they didn’t actually need to put a ridiculous estimate in place when they could just come around and have a look for themselves. Assurances that they will do just that. Then a month later the first ‘reminder’ comes through. So I called again, and they promised to come around and have a look at it again. Cue more overdue notices. I tried once more, having already moved out of the property, and after some farcical explanation about how it was an ‘old meter’ so they couldn’t read it absolutely nothing proceeded to happen again.

Eventually after months of grief and wasted time they waived the fee and an extra $100. Since then they have blatantly refused to believe that somebody else has taken responsibility for the final account total (which they have) and keep trying to get me to pay them $400.


2) The Commonwealth Bank
Has anyone ever managed to get out of this place without them trying to up-sell you something? It’s worse than a service station. Usually I’m very polite in saying “no, just because I look depressed doesn’t mean I need life insurance so my family can cash in when I neck myself”, but one day on Elizabeth Street I made the horrific mistake of attempting to change my address. Obviously that day they’d put their number one seller, a stern mid 30’s woman dressed as if she was actually in the mid 30’s and who wouldn’t take no for an answer on anything. Eventually I crumbled and after 10 minutes of “ are you sure I can’t get somebody to call you” agreed that she could do whatever she liked as long as I could just change my fucking address and get out of there already.

So a few days later the phone rings and it’s some sleazy insurance broker. He gives me the usual chat, but when I tell him I’m not actually interested and just agreed to get the lunatic in the bank off my back he plays the old favourite “But what about your family! What if something goes wrong! Don’t you care?” card. To which I replied “No I don’t”, hung up and closed my account the next day.

Commonwealth Bank – YOU’RE ON THE LIST

1) Telstra

Ahh Telstra. Never before has there been so much panic about keeping such an incompetent business in public hands. I'd take the money and run if I were the government.

Soon after I moved last year I started receiving bills for a phone line that I never asked to be connected. Tried to ring them a couple of times, got put in queues and generally ignored so I gave up and waited to see what would happen. Eventually last month they decided that they did quite want their $120 and could I please fork it over.

Given that I don’t, didn’t and never will have a home phone line I thought it was quite a fair query to ask what they wanted the money for. I finally got through to somebody a few months ago who spun me some b/s lines that I fell for like an idiot, and which I promptly forgot about again until I received the overdue notice.

So I call again, and after 45 minutes of being put in queues I finally end up speaking to somebody who decides that yes, it’s been a cock up and because I’ve clearly never actually used the account that he can close it and refund me the money. Too easy, I’ll just sit back and wait for the letter confirming this. Instead I got more “give us money” notices. So I call again, and this is where it gets ludicrous. In one hour I was shuttled between the following departments, having to explain the entire story and give my details every time.

1. Billing
2. Credit Management
3. Credit Management - Special Recovery
4. Disputes (and when they’re transferring you then you know nobody’s taking your complaint seriously)
5. Landline department (sounds like a made-up department to me)

Landline then connected me to;

6. Credit Management (again)

Eventually the woman in Credit Management says “yes, we can take those charges off, I just need to put you on hold to read the case notes”. So I go back on hold for, I think the 8th time, hear their shithouse version of I Am Australian for the 300th time and await the good news that I’ll never have to deal with this peanut of a company ever again. Then the call disconnected. I’m not suggesting she read the file and hit the magical dump button (though I wouldn’t be surprised) but that was it for me.

Luckily all the time I had spent on the phone had given me time to write my complaint to the Telecommunications Ombudsman and when the phone disconnected I was only a click away from officially complaining about their shenanigans. There’s no apology required – just the assurance that all my accounts (oh yes, somebody along the way told me that I had two phone lines with them. I HAVE NONE!) are obliterated from history and I never have to deal with these hacks ever again.

Telstra – Oh you’d better believe that YOU’RE ON THE LIST

Monday, 15 December 2008

The Real Taste of Ckicken

Yours to view on Collins Street, Melbourne as we speak.


I'm always conscious of taking pictures of this sort of thing because I'm always terrified that the owner will suddenly appear. Because I am a pansy. Of course they never do.. other than this time.

Her: "Do you want to come in?"
Me: "No, I'm looking at your sign"
H: "Why?"
M: "It's got a mistake on it"
H: "Oh yes it has... I never noticed"
M: (struggling to find a way out) "Well, other than that it's a nice sign"
H: "Yes it is thanks!"

And off I went, having failed to crush capitalism single handedly.

CSI: Richmond

Only the other night I was claiming that Richmond was overrated as a crime destination. Sure some guy offered to see me some quality gear as I walked through the housing commission estate one day, sure I heard a guy on Victoria Street openly stating "yeah I score in the morning before work" and yes, there were junkies who used to shoot up next to my car but in the end I met them and they were lovely. Other than that? Nothing. I even considered not renewing my contents insurance and saving myself a much needed $350 (what credit crunch? I've been wasting my money for years) before chickening out.

So, this morning I wake up and open my door to find a mobile phone on my doorstep, the security door wedged open with a pair of women's shoes and blood all over the front door. Now, I know I had an operation to make me sleep better but I'm not sure I would have managed to sleep through somebody making a serious attempt at getting my attention if they were being beaten up or variously molested so I was deeply suspicious right from the start. I call the police and tell them what's going on and they tell me they're going to send somebody over.

About twenty minutes later the mobile rings and Ms. X (names deleted to protect the dubious) tells me that she's lost her phone. I explain that I've got it and she's all "how did it get there!" when I tell her it's in Richmond. Then I explain that I'd called the cops and she goes a bit coco bananas telling me not to give them any of her stuff. Err, bad luck - given that they were clearly going to seize it all anyway. In the worst explanation ever Ms. X claims that her alleged brother is an alleged Hawthorn player and always does this sort of stuff. I suggested she might want to give him a call and make sure that he's alright given that it looks as if he wasn't having the best of nights if he was wandering the streets of the inner east bleeding on things.

Eventually I got off the phone - but not before being offered a "Christmas present" if I delivered the stuff back (and that's when the dubiousness meter went straight to 11). The cops eventually arrived, did their forensic work and predictably confiscated the phone and shoes as evidence in an attempted burglary.

Farcical scenes. However, if I may make a recommendation - Spray and Wipe is wicked for taking blood off a wooden door. Looks almost new!

The whole thing made me feel like I was getting into a bit of this action;


Great Moments in Trading Card History

But why?


Thursday, 11 December 2008

North to Ibiza in the Mediterranean Sun

It took me a week just to post this..


Monday, 1 December 2008

International Relations

On the weekend I went to a wedding. Thrilling eh? After all we've all done it - some thankfully less than others. In fact in 27 and a half years I don't think I've ever actually been to a wedding of somebody the same age as me that I knew.

ANYWAY, what was interesting about this one was the performance of the MC. For some ill-advised reason he prefaced his actual performance by coming out dressed as a stereotypical comical rabbi - complete with Star of David tshirt and ridiculous fake facial hair - and doing some routine about having come to the wrong place after being booked for a Bar Mitvah. Half the crowd ate it up (why?) and the rest of us sat there cursing that we weren't videotaping this grim fiasco.

Now - having not actually been there yourself and hearing one side of the story - please tell me that this was actually offensive and it wasn't just me. If he'd shoepolished up and walked out claiming to be Obama I'm sure somebody would have openly accused him of working racist gear and tipped a table over. Remember Sam Newman getting pounded for pretending to be Nicky Winmar? Sure that was on TV, but it still went down like a lead balloon. I was hoping he'd come out after the second break with a tea-towel around his head pretending to be Osama Bin Laden just to redress the balance but alas we were spared any further comic stylings.

And while we're at it how shit was Con the Fruiterer?

Saturday, 29 November 2008

Procedural Comment

Like a total goof I forgot to renew, so that link is now completely useless. If it's any consolation at least it now features a fit bird.

Please alter your bookmarks, links etc.. accordingly.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Fashion Corner

An in no way comprehensive look at awful football kit over the years courtesy of Classic Football Shirts - where you too can pick up a vintage Oxford United 1987 home jersey for just $350. Result!

P.S - Goalkeeper strips are automatically disqualified because they're expected to look terrible.

P.P.S - Before we start with the slop a moment please for my all time favourite shirt,

Wimbledon 1993 home

And now that you've seen the best, check out the rest.

Aberdeen 1994 away - the reason why you shouldn't do acid before designing a football shirt.

Arsenal 1991 away - seemed like a good idea at the time

Aston Villa 1991 alternative - surely never even seemed like a good idea.

Blackpool 1995 away - just plain ugly.

Celtic 1991 away - dressing like they were in the middle of a stock market crash. Sadly no sign of the vomit stained one they tried to get away with a couple of years later.

Chelsea 1990 away - both sponsor and design give away the very close proximity of this shirt to the 1980's.

Clydebank 1987 home - later seen being sponsored by a car wash and a band

Everton 1994 away - are you sensing a trend for shitbox away strips?

Grimsby 1992 away - yes you are!

Hartlepool 1997 away - the key to success is not having a base color that doesn't look good with anything.

Hull City 1994 home - where the dodgy curry look proves that home shirts can look terrible too.

Kansas City Wizards 1998 home - welcome to the rainbow parade. That was always going to work when trying to convince a nation of people who were already suspicious of 'soccer' to get on board.

Leyton Orient 1993 away - a very rare example of kit design being changed to promote the sponsor. Sadly Space Invader FC were shit and it's never been done again.

Luton 1991 home - as early 90's as large pants and MC Hammer.

Maidstone United 1989 away - not surprisingly they went into liquidation that year. Presumably the merchandising returns didn't do much to save them.

Middlesborough 1989 home - 1979 more like it. Terrible, but maybe not as bad as..

Middleborough 1992 away - all in all you're just another brick in the wall

Millwall 1997 away - Kit boring. Sponsor genius.

NAC Breda 1998 home - could be worn by RACV repairmen when working on cars on busy highways in the dark.

Northampton 1991 home - kit just plain ugly, sponsor = genius!

Notts County 1994 away - please note that they are NOT a Scottish team, nor anywhere near the Scottish border.

Nottingham Forest 1994 away - that bit at the bottom is a pair of shorts, but it doesn't detract from the abysmal quality of the top of the shirt.

Partick Thistle 1987 home - as 80's as you like.

Real Betis 1995 away - what the buggery were they going for here?

San Lorenzo 1999 home - apparently if you play their matches backwards the shirt tells you to kill people.

Scarborough 1990 home - best sponsor ever!

Scunthorpe 1991 away - From the team that failed the profanity filter comes a shirt that looks as if it had been on the end of a vicious knife attack.

Southend 1997 away - clearly designed by somebody with a ponytail and damaged nostrils

St. Johnstone 1990 home - Hah, they said Bonar

Stoke City 2002 away - 90 minutes of watching this run around would give you a guaranteed headache.

Stoke City 1996 away - Now, who were you again?

Watford 1991 away - there's a reason nobody wanted to sponsor this.

Watford 1991 away - the year that gave kit design in the Watford area a bad name.

West Brom 1993 away - Value for money for sponsors not included

Wolves 1991 home - just looked plain dirty. Lack of dry cleaners in the Wolverhampton area apparent.

Wolves 1996 away - a fitting way to end. The designers shot for 'artistic' and fell somewhere in 1982.

This Is Not An Exit

Great Moments in Cinema - #23231 American Psycho

Find cat at ATM

Recieve instructions from ATM

Try to convince cat to comply at gunpoint

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Best General Ever

Thailand - the home of military comedy.

A Thai general who warned anti-government activists to book their own funerals ahead of a rally this weekend hit out at his bosses Friday after saying he had been moved to a role teaching aerobics.

Major General Khatiya Sawadiphol, an adviser to the Thai army, has courted controversy with a string of comments against demonstrators who have occupied the prime minister's offices in Bangkok.

An army spokesman said that Khatiya, who has written books about his combat exploits, had been appointed by army chief General Anupong Paojinda to lead the military's health club promotion task force.

Khatiya, who is under investigation on disciplinary charges, told newspapers that his new posting was "ridiculous".

"The army chief wants me to be a presenter leading aerobic dancers. I have prepared one dance. It's called the throwing-a-hand-grenade dance," the Bangkok Post quoted Khatiya as saying.

The army, however, denied the general's assertion.

"The working group is to find a way for army staff and families to exercise. It does not mean, as Khatiya sarcastically told reporters, that he will lead aerobic dances in the marketplace," Lieutenant Colonel Sirichan Ngathong told AFP.

The group leading the protests, the People's Alliance for Democracy (PAD), have called for a blockade of parliament on Sunday after one of its members was killed and 29 were wounded in a grenade attack on Thursday.

Khatiya reportedly warned them to book Buddhist temples for their funerals if they went ahead. "Bullets will be fired from all sides into Government House so please get out," he was quoted as saying in Matichon newspaper.

See, it's funny now - but surely everyone can see that this guy is going to lose the plot and take out a few people before he ever gets the chance to don the leotard and do squat thrusts in the MBK Centre.

Kritics Korner *SPOILERS BE HERE*

My problems with the new James Bond film..

(Stop reading now if you haven't seen it, I will not be held responsible otherwise)

* The name - Complete bollocks.

* The villain - Remember when Bond villains would try and destroy the world so they could float around space procreating a new master race? Well, this guy is stealing water from Bolivians. Thrillsville - where do I buy the Mr. 3A action figure?

* The girl - Decidedly average

* Bond goes "rogue" - Yawn

* Gadgets - None. Not even that funky thing he had last time that started his heart from the car after he'd been poisoned. A GPS phone? How exciting.

Purists will probably be throwing bricks at their keyboard reading this, and let's not forget that I actually like Moonraker so who am I to have an opinion, but I'm telling you if that movie hadn't had James Bond on the marquee then it would never have been made. Daniel Craig is a sweet Bond, because without him that would have been nothing more than a very average Vin Diesel movie. If it had been the king of slop Pierce Brosnan I probably would have walked out after five minutes.

2 stars. Must try harder.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Cop that you swine

No posting for a while. Going to hospital to cop hell from a surgeon. Happy days in the land of TSP! Amuse yourselves while I'm away - how will you be able to tell the difference?

Update - So, I'm back. Well, actually I've been home since Tuesday and haven't gone outside since then. Glorious. I've had half the things in my mouth/throat removed and am feeling surprisingly well for it. Here's to eventually getting a decent night's sleep for the first time in ten years.

In the meantime amuse yourself with this,

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Margaret Pomeranz Corner

Took me 11 years but I finally bothered to sit down and watch Chasing Amy. Who the fuck thought of that ending (the second last scene that is)? Absolutely shithouse. Frankly ruined it for me when I really like the rest of it.

(This post was of no consequence, I just had to get that off my chest)

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Know Your News

Now, this is crucial today - we don't want anyone getting confused in the middle of a celebrity filled spring carnival.



Got it? Another way to tell is that if you send invites to both of them only one is going to reply...

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Alright, that's good stuff

Two footballers. Two of the worst videos you'll ever see.

The Jacko one is more lyrically obscure and pointless ("I make my own tomato juice and I drink it all the time"? The fuck?) but at least he's not tempted to actually try and sing like Warrick. However I'm going to have to give the nod in this one to Mr. Capper (he of the long blonde locks) due to the bit at 1.48 where he's playing pool and after a shot of a ball going in they quickly cut away to disguise the fact that he's actually potted the white as well. Champagne all round.

Then there's Jacko's follow up single.. at least Warrick was smart enough to pull the pin after one track.

Friday, 7 November 2008

Heroes of Spring Racing

#1 of 1



There's a shot to get framed and put in the pool room.

Surely there's a positive story to come out of the rail chaos. Somebody MUST have picked up during all that chaos. Not that they would have been able to get very far, but that's not the point. Lack of a suitable venue has never stopped anyone at Oaks Day before.

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Motoring Magic

I was lucky enough to be standing at the corner of Collins and Exhibition Street yesterday and witness one of the most shambolic attempts at driving in history.

At an intersection with the dreaded hook turn the shambolic motorist in question sits in the right lane indicating, ready to turn. Naturally the cars behind her start honking their horns to a) indicate that she can't turn there, and b) give them some release from jumping out and smashing the bonnet with a tire iron. So she pulls forward a bit, which does absolutely nothing for traffic flow - more horns. Eventually she pulls right up into the middle of the intersection, at which time a police motorbike pulls up and starts talking to her. Presumably he was giving a full run down on the actual road rules of Victoria, because by the time he'd finished the lights had turned red and she was stuck in the middle of the intersection.

By that time a car who was actually doing a hook turn had got into position and was about to turn when the original realised she was stuck and took off, almost collecting the hook turner. More horns. Eventually they worked out what they were doing and the turner got away without being t-boned by this tragic figure in a green Ford Falcon. However by then the pedestrian lights had turned green and she couldn't move out of the intersection because there were 50 people in front of the car. More horns - including from inside the Green shambles car directed at the people crossing the road. Eventually the motorbike cop had to pull into the crossing and physically stop people from going in front of her so she could clear the intersection without killing anyone.

Bell Shakespeare Company be buggered, that was the best drama I've ever seen.

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Great Moments in Politics

#2323432 - The 1993 Christchurch By-Election.

The English have the right idea - let anyone put what they want down as a party on their ballot paper and watch the comedy begin.

This starts slow but stick with it. Eventually you get to see a big titted model representing the "Buy The Daily Sport" party, the "Ian for King" party, a giant chicken and somebody in a full English football kit running on the platform of sacking the national team manager.

It depresses me that we'll never get to see scenes like this. A third party candidate winning in a field of novelty named parties and being congratulated by a seven foot red chicken is what Australia needs now, not boring crunts like Rudd and Turnbull. GIVE US THE CHICKEN OR GIVE US DEATH!

On another note it's surprising to see Esme Watson off A Country Practice elected to parliament. That must have sent shockwaves through Wandin Valley.

Monday, 27 October 2008

The Gold 104 Files

Now incorporating Shame FM.

A handful of you might have been old enough and local enough to remember Melbourne radio in the early 90's. It was a completely different universe from what we have today. Mix hadn't even become TTFM yet, the once famous 3AK had randomly turned into an Italian language station, Magic was about to be launched under the frankly un-marketable 3EE name and Fox FM was - for the love of god - a classic hits station that promoted Tina Turner concerts. And there I was, a stupid kid raised on one of the more farcially acquired record collections in history. My mum still claims that the Don Lane record in her collection was a freebie that she got whilst working for Channel 9, but I find that slightly dubious. The fact that I was a freebie she got whilst working there is a story for another day, but I'm quite sure that Don wasn't involved in that.

Despite a heaving LP collection featuring such classics as Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass' "Going Places" (which, if you'll excuse the exclamation, is a fucking corker of an album no matter what anyone says) we didn't really listen to music at home, but I remember mornings getting ready for school and hearing 3KZ, later to be KZFM, around the house. In fact I remember listening with a perverse glee to the automated announcements that they played on the old AM frequency the day they switched over. Somewhere along the line it became Gold 104 and I had been roped in. Despite a brief and fruitful flirtation with the pop charts in 1989 (highlighted by a cassingle collection featuring more Black Box than anyone should ever need) by the time I was 10 or 11 I remember having the radio on that freaking station all day every day when I was at home. There were so many close calls with disaster as I leapt from one side of the room to hit record on a song I wanted to keep on tape that it's a surprise I never actually managed to neck myself and become a case study in why home taping was not only illegal but deadly.

Despite brief flirtations with JJJ and grunge (eww) during 1992, KISS FM and dance during 1994 and Triple J again during the britpop era I always went back to Gold. Fact - the first song I ever illegally downloaded was Jailbreak by AC/DC. It wasn't until the early 2000's that

And so now I present the all-time top ten (in no particular order) songs that Gold introduced me to before they lost the plot and started playing Coldplay tracks.

Gladys Knight and the Pips - Midnight Train To Georgia

More soap opera in five minutes than Neighbours has managed in 15 years. Fact - on the CD in my car this follows a Ghostface Killah track and confuses the fuck out of anyone who is in there when it comes on.

George Baker Selection - Little Green Bag

The Grass Roots - Midnight Confession

Whenever I hear this it reminds me of Grade 6 camp. The entire year level except me got poisoned on dodgy spaghetti bolognaise and the tape in my walkman was all I had to block out the sound of en masse heaving. At the time this was my favourite song.

The Hollies - Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress

Sure they could have come up with a catchier title, but it was the Creedence song that Creedence never wrote.

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Long As I Can See The Light

Err, and speaking of Creedence.

Gene Pitney - 24 Hours to Tulsa

More soap opera drama and hot action

RB Greaves - Take A Letter Maria

Shameful to the max, but at the time I loved it. We're about one degree from the Pina Colada Song here but fear not that WILL NOT be getting a run.

Crosby, Stills and Nash - Woodstock

To be honest I preferred Suite Judy Blue Eyes because I'd seen it in the Woodstock movie but when I rang up to request it one night the DJ had never even heard of it and I ended up with this instead. Not such a bad trade off.

The Lovin' Spoonful - Summer In The City

A classic eventually beaten to death by being played in every single 'summer' radio promo or Channel 7 tennis ad for about five years.

Edison Lighthouse - Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)

Five alarm shonk, but I'm into it.

Surprisingly I don't remember them ripping out too many power ballads. It was more Eleanor Rigby and farce like Judy in Disguise. Happy days indeed.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Reasons not to mess with hockey players

Everyone knows that hockey players are violent lunatics right? Well, tell that to these spectators who decided to get involved and found themselves.. shall we say.. outmatched?

15 punches in ten seconds from a man with the most spectacular mullet in history.

The winner of the 1990 Calgary "glass jumping" competition.

Fat man goes to the penalty box with comedic results.

And what's the best we can do? Darren Milburn murdering Steven Silvagni and getting yelled at by some Carlton bogans.

Bonus points to that video for randomly invoking the spirit of Pat Benetar.

Monday, 20 October 2008

New Adventures In Music

Heloise and the Savoir Faire - ok album, genius band shot.


Sunday, 19 October 2008

More reasons why Obama needs to be President

Because he does Hall and Oates references in his speeches,

"But we can't afford four more years like the last eight. George Bush and John McCain are out of ideas, they are out of touch, and if you stand with me, in 17 days they will be out of time."

I'm still upset that nobody had the chance to vote for the Hall/Oates ticket in '84. Fuck you Ronald Reagan.

Friday, 17 October 2008

Frankly My Dear....

For whatever reason they're taking our printer at work away. After several days of discussion about where we could hide it to avoid detection a picture of Anne Frank has suddenly appeared on it. Comic genius at it's best.


See you all at the discrimination tribunal when I get unfairly blamed for it.

Monday, 6 October 2008

From Milan With Love

or... "21 great Italo Disco band names and their songs"

Ahh, the 80's - an era where any idiot with a synth could put out a track that 'the kids' would go apeshit over. The only problem is once you've come up with a dynamite track what do you call yourself? This is where the italo artists often lost the plot. Sure, "The Beatles" must have looked odd in it's day but it's got nothing compared to some of these.

93rd Superbowl - Forever and a Day
Alexander Robotnick - Problemes D'Amour
Amadeus Liszt - Win The Race
Answering Service - Call Me Mr. Telephone
Apple in Jacket - New World
Argentina - Baby Don't You Break (My Heart)
Baltimora - Tarzan Boy (surely the most famous Italo track ever, even though it was by an Irishman)
Beagle Music Ltd. - Daydream
Buckingham Palace - Give Me Your Name
Danny Boy & the Serious Party Gods - Castro Boy (and they're not talking about Fidel, let me tell you. Featuring the classic line "It's not pretty being easy")
Facts & Fiction - Give Me the Night
Free Enterprise - I'm Not Afraid To Love You
International Music System - Dancing Therapy
Kinky Go - Gimme the Love
Mozzart - Money (Classic italo, even if he does look like a tit in the video)
Oxo - Keep On Living (what came first, the italo band or the stock cube?)
Peter & the Wolf - Peter and the Wolf
Psychic Interface - Dancin' in the Night
Sweet Connection - Heart To Heart (<--- TUNE!)
The Midnight's Moscow - Tavarisc Gorbachev
X-Ray Connection - Get Ready

For those of you still confused about the role of Italo in Western society I suggest either this or this. If you do 'get' italo may I suggest a psychiatrist - the queue starts behind me.

Furthermore here are my top 5 non-comedy name italo tracks of all time,

1. Albert One - Turbo Diesel

2. Black Box - Ride On Time

3. Eddy Huntington - USSR

4. Mike Mareen - Agent of Liberty

5. Miko Mission - How Old Are You

Sunday, 5 October 2008

A Conceptual Nightmare

To be an actual concept album it's got to have some kind of discernable story or theme running through it. According to Wikipedia "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers The Album: A Rock Adventure" is a concept album. No it fucking isn't. Thanks to the 13-year-old (or tremendous pervert) who added that I have to discount their entire list and come up with my own. I can only think of four that I actually like, and one that is sort of there but is arguable.

Baader Meinhof - Baader Meinhof

First alphabetically and critically. This almost completely unknown album from Luke Haines (Black Box Recorder, The Auteurs etc..) tells a stylised version of the story of the Red Army Faction. Slinky lounge music about 1970's German terrorists - it shouldn't work but it does. Creepingly sinister, but beautiful at the same time it won't teach you anything about terror that you didn't already know but it does sound spectacular.

Incidentally during year 8 I was quizzed by the school librarians about why I kept borrowing the same books about international terrorism and Carlos the Jackal again and again. No proper answers were forthcoming, but I turned out alright didn't I? Nowadays if you did that they'd search your locker for a concealed stash of AK47's and pipebombs. Ahh, the mid 90's - such a simple time.

Drive-By Truckers - Southern Rock Opera

The 70's in the deep south as seen in a double album of songs that pretty much all have something to do with Lynyrd Skynyrd. The first act is called "Betamax Guillotine" after the urban legend about an on-board video player taking somebody's head off in the plane crash that killed most of the band.

Not quite country, but not rock either. Call it.. Southern Rock? If you want. There's even spoken word interludes if you're into that sort of thing. I first heard of this randomly listening to Triple R one afternoon driving around in a work car when the track "Ronnie and Neil" came on and I was blown away. Great album, great song.

Lou Reed - Berlin

It is, they say, the most depressing album of all time and they're not far off. Drugs, death, sordid sex, crying children - cheery Lou has it all. It's a far cry from the comedy trannies wandering down the street on Transformer. Unlikely to make you lob yourself off the Westgate Bridge unless you're already that way inclined, but not one to be playing as the on-hold music at Lifeline.

Neon Neon - Stainless Style

I have a little known fetish for stainless steel. God knows if I had enough money to live anywhere but a decrepit hellhole then it would be stacked with that shit, and with enough fingerprint marks to make a professional cleaner weep. So, in the realm of fantasy car purchasing I'd like the DMC-12 from Back To The Future in all it's stainless steel glory. Fuck the time travel, give me the vehicle that looks like a part of somebody's kitchen.

So, when I heard that old mate out of the Super Furry Animals (Hometown Unicorn anyone? Brilliant. Oh, all right then how about this you foul mouthed beasts?) had signed up for an entire album about John DeLorean and the DMC I was IN, even if it did turn out to be naff. Luckily it turned out to be ace, is probably my album of the year so far and features a song (see below) which is a dead cert for my end of season top 5.

What a story too - man rises from the slums to become a car company executive, starts his own company, designs a freaky deaky car, builds it in a factory in Belfast that has seperate entrances for catholics and protestants, watches the entire thing go tits up, tries to sell cocaine to save himself, gets busted, goes broke and then watches the demand for the cars go through the roof too bloody late when it turns out that the things can travel through time.

Pulp - This Is Hardcore

Ok, so I'm cheating a bit here. It's not a concept as such, but it does represent a suite of songs by Jarvis Cocker which essentially say "oh fuck, I'm famous. What do I do now?" As far as I can see, the answer was "an even better album" as this has got highlights from top to bottom as opposed to the sketchy Different Class. Opening track The Fear (below) is the perfect post-fame paranoia ("This is the sound of someone losing the plot, making out that they're ok when they're not. You'll like it, but not a lot") and the tone of the album slips neatly from terror, to lust, joy and resignation without missing a beat. Undoubtedly the highlight of Jarvis' career so far it didn't sell half as well as different class due to the fact that a) the Britpop boom had died in the arse, and b) it didn't have the sort of Common People-esque anthem that it's predecessor did.

Probably the best "sound of somebody losing the plot" that you'll ever hear.

P.S - Forget the Kinks and their 50,000 different concept albums. Try The Fall singing their song Victoria instead,

When I grow up I want to be Mark E Smith.