Tuesday, 31 December 2002

A classic in the Herald-Sun today..

Page 9, Celebrity New Years Resolutions

Kirsty Marshall, dud skiier and accidental Member of Parliament

"My husband and I are going to learn French. I hope for a year without too many dramas. Our baby is due in February and I hope the world is a safer and happier place"

What about serving Victoria and the poor misguided idiots who voted for you? No, apparently she'll be learning how to say "I have no idea what i'm doing" in French instead.


Monday, 30 December 2002

My favourite hippy Hot Buttered Death doesn't like the Paranoia Hotline either. Good for him!

I heard last night that it had already recieved 700 calls. I'm willing to bet that 95% of them were people asking the cops to come and deport their arab neighbours for "eating strange food and playing music".

The worst thing about this glorified call-centre is that it's at a hidden location, and none of the staff can be identified. So, what they're worried about is a terrorist strike on the hotline that we use to inform the government about possible terror. GET REAL.

I wonder if they make you wait on the line for 25 minutes like Telstra do when you call them? Even better, they might use the same flawed voice recognition software.

"Please state the name of your terrorist activity"
"There are some arabs out the back of my flats"
"Did you say you wanted ASIO to raid somebody's home because they're a godless heathen? We will, thanks for calling"

This is going to give me enough material to keep going for weeks.
Sports Tonight is almost the worst show on television. Not only is it full of enough factual errors to fill the Green Left Weekly but they consistently report only on the bandwagon teams that everybody follows, rather than the teams that are actually good.

It might come as a surprise to those who you who don't care about the NFL that the Dallas Cowboys and Washington Redskins aren't very good. But of course they were once, so the 49% of the fans who don't follow the San Francisco 49'ers for the same reason follow one of those teams.

Now, in last nights NFL action their game was literally the only dead rubber going. The only game with absolutely no impact on the playoff picture. The Cleveland-Atlanta, New England-Miami and Carolina-New Orleans games were absolute thrillers with several teams playoff chances coming down to the last 30 seconds (and in the case of New England and Miami into overtime). What game, of all these, does Sports Tonight show highlights of? Guess what - Dallas/Washington. Not even the SCORES of the other games.

This is almost as bad as the time they had a whole story with the voiceover of an Australian women's hockey match but the pictures were of a Malaysian team playing. The best bit about that was when the voiceover said "The jublilant Australian fans were celebrating" it actually had a close up of two ladies waving a Malaysian flag around.

Not good enough!
Back to those Krazy Kloning Kultists the Raelians. Shonky TV current affairs show Today Tonight just presented a frankly hillarious pisstake of them, interviewing a couple of nutty Australian followers who were laughing at the prospect that aliens creating human life in a laboratory could possibly be a hoax. There was also some classic footage of the head nutbag talking about his visions of Japanese alien type people abducting him.

They're French don't you know, no wonder they always lose wars.
People think I abbreviate things a lot when I write SMS messages. Nobody, however, can beat this random blog I clicked on for sheer stupidity.

Here's a sample,

i dink d fellas r goin to double O todae to celebrate val's mum b'dae.. Happy B'dae auntie. Jux finished watching Man U match against BC .. They won 2-0!!

Oh there's a massive shock, an illiterate Man Ure fan.

Sunday, 29 December 2002

I cannot believed how much money the Federal Government (and the opposition aren't complaining too loudly) is squandering on ads telling us how to spot potential terrorists. Here's a clue people, you won't know there's an attack coming until you get blown up - it sounds nasty, but it's pretty obvious isn't it? Sure, if you see somebody in an overcoat sweating their ass off in the middle of a packed train you'd have to wonder what was going on but I really do think some people expect every potential terrorist to be an veiled arab wielding an AK-47 wearing a t-shirt that reads "I am a terrorist, death to the US and Israel. Allah is great". Not happening people.

Even more offensive is this terrorism alertness hotline they've set up. What's the problem with calling the bloody police if you see something suspicious? I would so love to get a job there, because I think it would go a little something like this...

"Good afternoon, Terrorism Paranoia Hotline. Adam speaking"
"Oh my god, I just saw an arab man on the train carrying a briefcase"
"Well, Arabs often have jobs too, they don't all live in caves plotting against us. SO STOP BEING SO FUCKING STUPID YOU OLD SLAPPER. Thanks for calling"

"Good afternoon, Terrorism Paranoia Hotline. Adam speaking"
"There's been a suspicious car parked outside my office all day, and i'm frightened it could blow up"
"Where do you work?"
"Southern Motors Holden"
"Oh fuck off"

And i'm sure they'd pay well too, after all it's only taxpayers money.

Saturday, 28 December 2002

For some unknown reason Channel 10 subjected it's thirteen Saturday night viewers to a showing of Never Say Never Again, the unofficial and freaking awful James Bond film.

Featuring Bond in a toupee, getting offered an enema and playing a pissy space invaders game against the super villian. With Rowan Atkinson as a bumbling British embassy agent, a snake used as an offensive weapon, a cockney version of Q called "Algernon" who won't stop complaining and a performance by Kim Basinger so wooden it wouldn't look out place in a forest this is truly the lowest point Bond ever sank to.

The whole movie is, of course, a fraud. It wasn't made by the same people as the rest of the Bond movies but rather by some dickhead who sued Ian Fleming over the rights to the book version Thunderball and was told that the only time he could ever use the name for a film was if he made a thinly-veiled remake of Thunderball.

Apparently in the closing credits they thank some arms dealer for using his boat in the filming, which pretty much su
So, for a lack of anything better to talk about which doesn't involve the abuse of Brett Lee let's look at today's news - involving stupidity, tragedy and politically correct foolishness.

A woman phoned to report that she was trapped indoors because a black cat like creature had been crouching on her doorstep for 24 hours. She thought it might be the infamous Beast of Bodmin Moor, but the skulking beast turned out to be a delivery of phone directories in a black plastic bag.

Of course CNN don't take 24/7 coverage of this,

Suicide bombers set off about a ton of explosives outside Chechnya's government building in central Grozny on Friday, killing 46 people and wounding 76 others, the Interior Ministry said.

Tokenism goes a step too far,

The civil rights group that helped initiate the NFL's recent push for minority hiring believes the league's new policy should have stiffer penalties.

Last week, the NFL instituted a policy requiring teams to interview minority candidates for coaching vacancies.

The civil rights group believes teams not conforming to the policy should face stiff penalties, such as forfeiting or voluntarily surrendering draft choices.

and speaking of political correctness...

Kicker Katie Hnida became the first woman to appear in a Division I-A college football game Wednesday, when the New Mexico junior had her extra point blocked against UCLA in the Las Vegas Bowl.

When was the last time anyone missed an extra point conversion before this?

EDIT - I am reliably informed that the NY Jets kicker missed one two weeks ago... Fuck it.
So, for a lack of anything better to talk about which doesn't involve the abuse of Brett Lee let's look at today's news - involving stupidity, tragedy and politically correct foolishness.

A woman phoned to report that she was trapped indoors because a black cat like creature had been crouching on her doorstep for 24 hours. She thought it might be the infamous Beast of Bodmin Moor, but the skulking beast turned out to be a delivery of phone directories in a black plastic bag.

Of course CNN don't take 24/7 coverage of this,

Suicide bombers set off about a ton of explosives outside Chechnya's government building in central Grozny on Friday, killing 46 people and wounding 76 others, the Interior Ministry said.

Tokenism goes a step too far,

The civil rights group that helped initiate the NFL's recent push for minority hiring believes the league's new policy should have stiffer penalties.

Last week, the NFL instituted a policy requiring teams to interview minority candidates for coaching vacancies.

The civil rights group believes teams not conforming to the policy should face stiff penalties, such as forfeiting or voluntarily surrendering draft choices.

and speaking of political correctness...

Kicker Katie Hnida became the first woman to appear in a Division I-A college football game Wednesday, when the New Mexico junior had her extra point blocked against UCLA in the Las Vegas Bowl.

When was the last time anyone missed an extra point conversion before this?

EDIT - I am reliably informed that the NY Jets kicker missed one two weeks ago... Fuck it.
Barmy Army, I love you!

Australian double century maker Justin Langer last night slammed the English fans as "disgraceful" after they chanted "no-ball" throughout NSW paceman Brett Lee's eight-over spell, a reference to suggestions that the fast bowler has thrown the ball.

Suggestions? His arm is more bent than Hanse Cronje

Friday, 27 December 2002

No, i'm not dead (but I were a teenage blogger i'd fill the next fifty lines telling you why I wish I was), just exhausted.

Despite my professed suspicion of cricket, and cricket fans, I went to the Boxing Day test in Melbourne yesterday and it made me realise that no matter how long I can watch the game on TV or listen to it on radio I cannot actually sit there and watch the thing for the whole day.

With the exception of about an hour and a half when Langer and Hayden were caning it to all parts of the ground it was tremendously boring, and I spent the last couple of hours in the TAB. The most disappointing bit of all what not getting to see Brett Lee's chucking bowling action in person.

We did, however, see a few people getting hauled away by the cops. Unfortunately then also the world's most pissed man talked to us, tried to lift a beer keg and then went in and bought himself another drink in full view of a copper without any action being taken. And they wonder why there are crowd disturbances?

Remember when somebody lobbed a frozen chicken at fatboy South African spinner Pat Symcox at the SCG a few years ago? Proves to me that they're worse than Melbourne fans.

Monday, 23 December 2002

INDIAN authorities are holding the international cricket community to ransom.

In their latest affront to the International Cricket Council, they have withdrawn the names of the 30 cricketers they belatedly submitted for participation at the World Cup in southern Africa starting in 47 days.

Here's a novel solution, tell the Indian cricket authorities to piss off. Kick them out of the tournament and ban them from world cricket for a year, i'm sure the Pakistani's will vote for it at least.

And who will replace them in the World Cup? I vote to give their spot to the Steve Waugh Whingeathon XI, a team for players who won't shut the hell up about being dropped. He can take brother Mark, Dean Jones, Michael Slater, Ian Healy, Damien Fleming and, just because he expresses his displeasure by killing English tailenders, Brett Lee.

It's harsh but fair.

Sunday, 22 December 2002

Redmaiden says NO...

Merry Fucking Christmas

Oh and my mum is rushing round organising Christmas while simultaneously working/having a nervous breakdown/cardiac arrest/epiletic fit while screaming at us about sausage rolls and will we all stop eating the pringles.

Hooray for the festive season eh?
Redmaiden says NO...

Merry Fucking Christmas

Oh and my mum is rushing round organising Christmas while simultaneously working/having a nervous breakdown/cardiac arrest/epiletic fit while screaming at us about sausage rolls and will we all stop eating the pringles.

Hooray for the festive season eh?
Hey junkies. Join the Air Force, see the world, and score free gear

"Amphetamine pills, which are illegal in the US, are given to combat pilots who are involved in long eight or nine-hour sorties in small controlled doses, say the military. The Air Force stopped prescribing the 'Go' pills, as they are known by the pilots, in 1993 after reports that crews using them during the Gulf War became addicted. But the drug has been quietly reintroduced in recent years."

Then, in a red-letter day for stupid news, we have a case of the name fitting the crime;

"An Oak Park has pleaded guilty to castrating another man in his kitchen. A Birmingham man went to Wang's home...

Some people can never have enough wang eh?

Then we have a totally random picture of somebody playing Fetus Bingo

And finally, the Irish have solved an age old problem with an age old solution,

Ireland's new plan to recieve independence from England: have lots of unprotected sex. A united Ireland will happen when there is a majority of Catholics living in Northern Ireland, and the Catholics are so far winning.

Even when the world is screwed up I can still find some entertainment...
I am really disturbed by this pissy musical that's on Channel 9 before the Cricket.

It involves Rosie O'Donnell, Jason Alexander and the fat guy from Cheers all singing - and then some couple got stopped from having it off in a bar by a bunch of kids.

That's just wrong.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO there's still another twenty minutes of this before the cricket starts. For gods sake, I blame all you people in Perth for this.
I am really disturbed by this pissy musical that's on Channel 9 before the Cricket.

It involves Rosie O'Donnell, Jason Alexander and the fat guy from Cheers all singing - and then some couple got stopped from having it off in a bar by a bunch of kids.

That's just wrong.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO there's still another twenty minutes of this before the cricket starts. For gods sake, I blame all you people in Perth for this.
Is this country screwed? You bet it is...

AUSTRALIA'S incoherent censorship ratings system will be exposed in coming months with the release of a number of controversial videogames.

The Playstation 2 game BMX XXX will be released on January 16 with an MA rating minus its major selling point - a topless female BMX rider.

Yet the violent game Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance, in which players can pull skeletons from bodies, will be released with the same MA15+ rating.

According to the Office of Film and Literature Classification, a computer-generated nipple is viewed as more offensive than the sight of violent death or excessive blood.

What the hell is the problem with these people? To paraphrase those union bastards, Ban One - Ban All.

Or even better, ban nothing.

Friday, 20 December 2002

In the ranks of places you're likely to find wacky news stories i'm sure Quebec would rank somewhere below Tanzania and Andorra, but those crazy (French) Canadians have really been putting in a huge effort this week... (thanks, as always, to Portal of Evil News)

A teen magazine in Quebec has raised eyebrows with its latest issue, which includes an explicit guide for keeping a boyfriend.

The magazine has a sex guide with what it calls "99 Naughty Tricks," including instructions on French kissing and oral sex.

Then we move on to...

A Quebec City radio host is among 11 prominent men facing charges of soliciting a minor, after police broke up a juvenile prostitution ring.

Police say the ring, which used girls ranging in age from 14 to 17, was operated by a street gang called the Wolf Pack.

Gang members would meet young girls at parties. Over several months, they would shower the girls with gifts, money and jewelry and slowly introduce them to a life of prostitution.

And finally....

A Quebec-based cult that believes space aliens created Earthlings in a lab 25,000 years ago says it has produced the world's first human clone to be born within two weeks, possibly on Christmas Day.

The Raelians, a free-love fringe sect that runs the theme park UFOland in Quebec's Eastern Townships, have offered no way to verify the claim or validate that this highly controversial experiment is under way.

But an official with Clonaid, the cloning company the Raelians founded in 1997, told CTV News that the clone is a girl and a genetic replica of a U.S. woman in her 30s who is unable to have children with her husband naturally.

And this was all in the news on the same day, leading me to the conclusion that it's never dull to be a Quebecer.
I don't particuarly like Christmas. I'll cop it because everybody else seems to love it, but there's one thing about the season that shits me up the wall about the festive season.

Bloody Christmas songs - i'm not talking about your traditional carols but those really awful Xmas Rock songs by people like Doug Parkinson and Kevin Borich that nobody has cared about since 1978. They usually take the form of singing about "Christmas Down-Under" and can be heard in major department stores from December 1 to 24.

And somebody tried to claim to me today that "In The Ghetto" by Elvis is an Xmas song. How? Somebody dies in it, what's so lovely and festive about that?

People eh? Can't live with them, can't kill them (unless you're Robert Mugabe)
National Sporting Hero in "I am a moron" shock (and it's not Mark Phillapousis for once) - Margaret Court has backed Damir Dokic's claims that lesbians are running the female tennis tour, she stopped short of saying that he should kill himself, as threatened, if Jelena turned out to be gay. Which is a shame, because i'm sure we all back anything that could mean Damir Dokic being dead.

So, nice of her to say you shouldn't kill yourself if your kid is gay isn't it? Well, not really because this NUTBAG runs a wacky Christian Ministry in WA that is dedicated to 'converting' gays and lesbians in the traditional style of so many US-based psychopaths. She has previously claimed gay people are 'committing sins of the flesh' and all kinds of other god-squad-madness.

Then I bought the Daily Telegraph yesterday (I was VERY bored) and there was a huge article with some wanker almost agreeing with her.

What is the world coming to?

Thursday, 19 December 2002

Get Your War On = greatest thing ever produced on the Internet. EVER. See also it's spin offs "Get Your Exx On" and "Get Your "Enr On". Pure genius of the highest order

Why should I perspire to death on the subway when I could be flying around in Dick Cheney's invisible nuclear helicopter?

Meanwhile, in international news - this kid is very advanced, I still don't know how to drive a car,

A 7-year-old Minneapolis boy stole a car Tuesday morning on the South Side and crashed it -- just 11 days after he had taken another vehicle, authorities said.

Actually, it appears that neither does he - but at least he was giving it a red hot bash.

Wednesday, 18 December 2002

Reason #1 why the 'Coalition' (either of them) won't be invading Iraq anytime soon...

"Australian actress Judy Davis has joined the calls to prevent a war on Iraq"

No! Judy Davis you say? She's done squat for years and now she's going to lead us all into a new era of peace and prosperity. Thank goodness for that then, I know i'll rest a little bit easier knowing this news.

If we're really lucky she might reprise her role in.... sorry, I forgot nobody's ever actually seen one of her films.

How about a big hell yeah for the Centre... whoo! We're non-committal and proud of it.
From Daily Rotten comes the case of a man who is taking the Christmas spirit a little bit too far...

"Charleston police arrested an East Bank man for allegedly having sex with a sheep used in a West Side funeral home's live nativity scene. Joey Armstrong, 29, allegedly broke into a shed that housed the animals used in the holiday scene at the Bartlett-Burdette-Cox Funeral Home on Tennessee Avenue about 5:50 a.m. Saturday, Charleston Police Sgt. Brent Webster said."

Friday, 13 December 2002

Well THERE'S A FUCKING SHOCK - Brett Lee's first ball in the ODI was a wide - why in gods name do they keep picking this dud? It's not like the pissheads in the crowd actually show up to see the crippling of tailenders.

He'll take a hat-trick now just to make me look stupid i'm sure.

England 0/83 - Where's Andy Bichel? Oh look, he's sitting on his ass in the pavilion while pretty-boy Lee costs Australia 10 runs off his first over.

Go Namibia!
Well, well, well

In the greatest upset in modern cinema history the new Bond film is actually quite good (although you'd never believe it from the whining shit who reviews it on IMDB). I went in expecting more of the complete crap the rest of the Brosnan films (now who's the whining shit eh?) have served up but I was pleasantly surprised. It's amazing how much better you can make the lead actor look when you provide a decent plotline and interesting characters. Halle Berry actually ads some class to the Bond Girl role, which has been tarnished in recent years by pissy choices like Terri Hatcher and Denise Richards.

The only notable lowpoints are the laughably awful theme song by Ms.Sex Grandma herself Madonna (marring a perfectly good title sequence), and then to really rub it in a cameo by her as well. Almost made me forget how much i'd been enjoying myself until then.

After that cinematic abortion The World Is Not Enough I was calling for the series to be tossed in the trash can. I guess there's life in the old girl yet, though I expect this might be the last great hurrah.

Mind you (hint, hint) if they were to kill the series now they'd be going out on a high. Sorry, I forget there's money to be made - so carry on.

Tuesday, 10 December 2002

There's definately something foul going on in the sewer system of Melbourne. I defy you to stand on the corner of Burke and Elizabeth (Opposite GPO) and breathe without almost being physically ill.

It's the voodoo I tells ya... The voodoo.

Monday, 9 December 2002

Alright, the "David Beckham Rumors" search fiasco has reached epidemic proportions. And before you start I am aware of how ironic it is to complain about something by mentioning it again - but it doesn't really matter i'm the only site on Google that mentions it.

30 times today one muppet has searched for "David Beckham rumors" on Google and come to this site. The same person. So, if you're reading now please email me and i'll tell you the full story behind the Beckham scandal (you must be 18!). I really do feel for the poor bastard who is so desperate to find out what Becks has done that he's sat there all day searching again and again and coming back here to find out if there has been any late breaking developments.

I note that it's a worldwide phenomenon..

According to Schnitt, there were 'tens of thousands' of Google searches for the words 'david beckham rumours' in the past week. The much-vaunted 'information society' may not have materialised, but the internet has made a historic contribution to the globalisation of gossip.

So, when they'd exhausted that spelling of it they came to me - the only idiot to Americanise things AND mention allegedly gay (whoops!) football players.

It almost makes you feel... wanted? But not quite.
[Start class prejudice and general nastiness here]

50-year-old Queenslander with a mullet and 8 other children has triplets. Frightening eh? And then the clincher that puts it in the all-time Hall of Fame - they just got kicked out of their trailer park.

Really, could you make it any easier for us to laugh at you?

What i'm offended at most is the idea that anyone has 11 children, let alone somebody who can't even afford to live in a house.

Well, with that piece of extraordinary hubris I guess i've tempted fate to turn me into a homeless bum or something now. So if you're putting your garbage out one night and you catch a toothless idiot going through your trash yelling "I USED TO HAVE A BLOG YOU KNOW!" then you'll know that's me - and you have my permission to shoot on sight.

[End class prejudice and general nastiness for now]
It's a very slow day here at the Project - so have some disturbing news to keep you interested.

Firstly, here's the one appropriate response to any song released by Blur,

A batch of BLUR's rare single DON'T BOMB WHEN YOU ARE THE BOMB has been blown up - by police who thought the box containing the singles were actually a real bomb.

I'd like to blow up Damon Albarn too, but that's just me.

Meanwhile, here's the appropriate response to Christian fundamentalists,

According to the blurb for Six Steps to Spiritual Revival , the Christian Coalition's Pat Robertson "reveals an amazing Scriptural pattern". But there's a pretty amazing pattern emerging amongst buyers of his book on Amazon.com. Scrolling down, you can see that a number of users have recommended The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men in addition to, or as an alternative to Robertson's tome.

And speaking of appropriate responses (as I am to an annoying degree).. here's what to do when you're rich, old and horny,

Rolf Eden, a Berlin property tycoon, former nightclub owner, and all-purpose celebrity, says he is offering $125,000 to any woman, from anywhere in the world, who can kill him with sex.

Speaking of Germans, here's a good reason to become one,

The crowd on board seem less interested in Berlin's cultural offerings than they are in the tour guide, who slowly disrobes during her commentary, and her two "assistants" who keep spirits high with a series of strip shows.

Finally today, go here and punch on in the great Left vs Right blog debate. Why can't we just be friends? There's gotta be somebody for us all to unite against doesn't there? The English Cricket team maybe?

Thursday, 5 December 2002

Yeah, let's get those furniture making bastards!

Two Dutch policemen were wounded when one of two bombs found in outlets of the IKEA home goods chain exploded as they were trying to defuse it on Wednesday.

Sorry, i'm really bored tonight.

Here's some suspicious news for you..

A 95-year-old Palestinian woman returning to her village after buying sweets and nuts for family festivities to mark the end of Ramadan was killed by Israeli soldiers who smashed windows of the minibus in which she was sitting and then fired into the vehicle, family members say.

I was sympathetic reading that until I got the bit where it said "family members say". Sounds a bit fraudulent to me.
A terrifying trend that the authorities should be made aware of - people are actually searching for this page by name on Google...

I saw something else in the paper this morning that disturbed me. An ad for a book called "Essential Blogging" which (for $69.95) promised to help you "Keep your own online journal with a web log or blogg [sic].
Essential Blogging shows how to create compelling, multimedia bloggs in no time."

Sad eh? If there's people stupid enough to pay that much money for a book on something so fricking obvious then it's surely going to lead to a spate of grannies writing massive tracts of text about how their cat took a shit on their new rug.

Blogging isn't really that hard. You write some crap and people read it. Or in my case you write some crap that uses the words "david beckham male scandal" and 300 people get here by searching for that on Google.

Wednesday, 4 December 2002

Somebody came to this page yesterday via Google - searching for 'Tism kill americans rant'

So, because a) TISM rule, and b) I want to be raided by ASIO, here you go in it's entirety.

Kill all the flag-waving, red-blooded, young Yankee boys
String their torsos up and use their dicks as toys
Nuke every US city, blow them to the sky
Every single fucking yank deserves to fucking die

Then get all the mothers and every apple pie
And gun them down with M-16s, aim 'em at their eyes
Round up every US citizen, all except for Jews
Take that lot to Is-rael and wipe that lot out too

And then get all the Vietnamese that were napalmed to death
And everyone from El Salvador and Cuba and Chile and the rest
And say 'look the yanks are gone, the world is once again free
No more napalm, no more CIA, no more Wounded Knee'

And when they are all celebrating... nuke the fucking lot
And there'll be lots of jelly gasoline in every babies cot
And then load an M-16, give it plenty of feeling,
Put it to your temple, blow your brains onto the ceiling
I went to a South Melbourne-Australian U20's friendly match last night. Pissweak crowd of about 500 (considering it was free) and an ordinary game (South 1-0 for those keeping score).

On the way home I swear I got the saddest carriage ever seen on public transport.

a) There was a guy sitting opposite me, staring and obviously trying to start something. He was wearing a backwards hat, a jacket pulled up over half his face and was listening to Eminem at full volume. I was really trying hard not to laugh 'cos I worried he'd jump over and stab me or something

b) Some guy sitting behind me was intently telling his wife that the problem with Croydon was that there were 'too many asians' there.

c) A bunch of pissheads with Australian soccer scarves (who i'm sure weren't at the game earlier, so I have no idea where they'd come from) were making dicks of themselves by yelling out and dropping things in the train. I'm sure people like that are why most of the South Melbourne fans hate the Australian national team and it's supporters.

d) A couple of clearly smashed people who probably thought they were on the Pakenham line or something

and a bunch of other sad depressing people - myself included.

I have never been more thankful to get out of a train in my life.

Monday, 2 December 2002

I can't believe some of the shit that they put on TV during summer. Tonight is repeat central for all those really tacky and awful Aussie shows that nobody watched during ratings period. So, if you're really dying for a full repeat of Marshall Law then the non-ratings period is definately for you.

On another election related note (i'll never shut up about this you realise) I was speaking to somebody on MSN Messenger today who summed up the mood of the electorate on Saturday

"i went in there and point the numbers by the ppl who i liked there names!"

At least she admitted that she deliberately put Labor last because of an intense personal hatred for Steve Bracks.
This is just insulting, I wake up and turn on the TV to see what they're replacing the cricket with. It's looks like they've dragged Kerri-Anne in to see if they can get the ratings to go even lower than 0.1, so I turn over to the Bert show on 10 and what's the first thing I hear "we'll have all the political news after the break"

Shut up! You're supposed to be selling miracle cures and talking to the stars of stage and screen.

Argh, I can't get away from Brax anywhere. Except when I bought a Sydney newspaper yesterday and he didn't get a mention once, that was nice.

Wednesday, 27 November 2002

How shattered am I that Beauty and the Beast has been axed? Thank god it looks like I might have something to do during the day next year, i'd be lost without this to watch everyday. Help keep Uncle Doug Mulray rich by visiting The Basement. You can stalk Mieke Buchan there too, which will excite many of my friends.

The good news is that you can still catch half the beauties in awful TV ad's and Jeannie Little in a dumpster somewhere near you.

(P.S - If I get a google hit for "Jeannie Little pron" now I will not be responsible for my actions.)

Late breaking alert - Here's some proof that Englishmen are as stupid as the rest of us.

A student died after being flung 100 feet into the air by a huge catapult.

The 19-year-old was taking part in the stunt at the Middlemoor Water Park in Woolavington near Bridgwater, Somerset, on Sunday.

What's all that about eh? These crazy kids.

Saturday, 23 November 2002

"Wahey!" news of the day

Kim Kelly will be attempting to add her name to the star-roster of "Sexual World Record" holders by sucking down a minimum of 90 cum enriched meals... and probably a number of "snacks". That's a diet of nothing more solid than cum, at least three meals a day for a month!

Go here if you want to make a donation to her valiant quest.

Yes, I did read about this on Portal of Evil News. So don't write in and tell me that i'm a pron freak.

Thursday, 21 November 2002

I read something highly comical once that said Belgium was famous for three things - Chocolate, paedophile rings and providing a handy backdoor for Germany to attack France through. I found it rather hillarious, but then again I find most things amusing.

Why am I posting this? Erm, no particular reason. I have had one hit in the blog lifetime from Belgium, so i'll expect a few thousand more people googling for Belgian kiddy pron now - joy.

Who am I kidding? The more disturbing the search request, the more I love it!

Speaking of disturbing, here's some of the things making news across this wide, brown, crazy, overpopulated planet..

Michael Jackson's shocked fans in Berlin after appearing to dangle a baby from a hotel window.

The eccentric US pop star had been waving to his German fans when he disappeared back into his room and then a few seconds later brought the baby, with a towel covering its head, out onto the veranda.

Holding the baby with one arm he then briefly dangled the infant over the balcony railing of the Adlon Hotel, before hurrying back into his room with the child.

So, now the reasons why he should be burnt at the stake have reached four figures. And then there's this...

Elizabeth Cornman is a Wiccan with an ax to grind.

Cornman, of Hanover Park, is suing her employer, Mary Kay Cosmetics, for harassment and discrimination based on her religious beliefs.

Seems fair enough to me, have you ever seen what these ugly witch-type-people look like? Hairy underarms are hardly the right look for a company that (probably) endorses a whole raft of beauty items.

Christ, i'm starting to sound like an informercial

Wednesday, 20 November 2002

Now, i've spent time slagging the French off in here before. But this story proves that in those years when they're not being used as a staging post for somebody's attempt to take over the world that they are quite smart people

Absurd memorial plaques pop up all over Paris
A Paris city councillor is asking for an inquiry into a rash of false and absurd memorial plaques that have appeared on buildings around the French capital.

Paris newspapers say one of the inscriptions reads: "Here on the 17th of April, 1967, nothing happened."

While another plaque bears the words: "Karima Bentiffa, civil servant, lived here from 1984 to 1989."

The person in question remains unknown in the neighbourhood.

Other inscriptions on the formal rectangles of stone are similarly baffling, reading for example: "This plaque was put up on December the 19th, 1953", and nothing else.

Councillor Claire de Clermont-Tonnerre says the plaques are unauthorised and some are funny, but only for about five minutes.

And they steal garden gnomes too... Those crazy frenchmen!

Sunday, 17 November 2002

CNN sez Pee Wee Herman charged with Child Porn but do you know what the funniest thing of all is? When he got busted he saved his own ass by turning in the guy who played Principal Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

I bought the DVD of that movie last week, I demand an updated commentary track.

Here's where the child fondling sleazebag comes in. How ironic that he's in charge of kiddies etc.. etc..

I want it! I want it! I want it!

Also, some disturbing news from El Salvador

"I was with my homies and we saw one of the MS scum who had killed my homegirl,' Helen recalls."

Those Microsoft bastards eh? Is there nothing they won't do to sell a few more PC's to the third-world?

Saturday, 16 November 2002

You know what? I was shocked and worried by the first disturbing search request ever on this site "Andrea True Connection Picture Porn" - I wondered just who would want nudie pictures of a 70's disco diva.

Frighteningly all has been revealed thanks to this.

Andrea True, before becoming the lead vocalist of this group, starred many X-rated films in the earlies 70's, like "Tycoon's Daughter", "Sexual Freedom in the Ozarks", "Road Service", and "Flip Chicks".

And apparently the song More, More, More which I once labelled as the 'acceptable face of disco' was only written and recorded because she got paid for making a porno in Jamaica one day before their government issued a ban on taking cash out of the country.

It was a massive hit (and was used in a car-ad here a few months ago, i'm sure they didn't know what it was all about at the time either). When her next singles and album failed she went back into the knob-film industry and disappeared until 2000.

I always thought there was something suspicious about that song. Now, it's still great, and we all love pron stars and everything but now that these revelations have erm, come out (whoops) let's examine the lyrics shall we?

But if you want to know
How I really feel
Get the cameras rollin'
Get the action goin'

Complete madness eh?. The frightening thing is that if you view this page she looks, err how shall I say this? - fugly (yes, that will do).

This is better than when I was a kid and discovered "Girls on Film" was a pron song...

Thursday, 14 November 2002

Hilarity is guaranteed at the Quote Database; a collection of the funniest things ever said on the Internet. For example...

(ohm) damn
(ohm) FUCK
(ohm) DAMN
(ohm) i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up
(ohm) FUCK
(ohm) i go like this to her
(ohm) "i want to suck on your clit"
(ohm) FUCK

(Beeth) Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
(honx) well, you can stil get one from a strange country

And the greatest of all?

(calin) we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator
(ecoli) ew.
(ecoli) wait, you "caught" him?
(ecoli) like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator store?
*** Quits: calin

Wednesday, 13 November 2002

Feelgood story of the day. Feelgood story of the week. Feelgood story of the decade...

Notorious sex-granny Madonna's film Swept Away has flopped so horrendously in the United States that it's not getting a cinema release in the UK, let alone here.

For those of you who haven't been following this unfolding tragedy with a sense of barely concealed glee it's a remake of a 1974 film, directed by her husband - mad Scotsman Guy Ritchie. Of course the original dealt with such weighty subjects as class prejudice, communism and rape; this however deals with putting Madonna on screen for as long as possible in an attempt to shove her down our throat (which makes a welcome change from the opposite for Mads i'm sure) and finally make us take her seriously as an actor.

Of course i'm just being nasty because I haven't seen it - but then again it seems nobody else has either.

You know you're in trouble when you get this kind of review on IMDB...

Let's face it, people, she's an astounding musical artist. There aren't enough positive words in all the world's languages to express how superior her last album, `Music,' was. Heck, I'm sure she's even a great mother too. But Madonna cannot act.

So, when a drooling fanboy who probably still drags the 'Sex' book out (which, coincidentally was the last time she did any good music) for a 'viewing' every couple of weeks can't handle you as an actor then you are less credible than the Spice Girls movie.

Speaking of Spice, I await the inevitable scandal involving Posh Spice and her idiot husband - We've wrecked Madonna and discovered Christina Aguilera's secret kiddy porn fetish now all we need is some scandal involving the Beckham family and Avril 'fricking' Lavigne and my life will be complete.

Monday, 11 November 2002

Fun News?

A man who has written two books on stupidity was arrested for allegedly trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl over the Internet

The gags about this guy just write themselves.

And here's proof that school is much better these days than when I was there... I had a great afternoon yesterday. After school, Carol, Phil and I sat in the library to do our econ but we didn't get much done. Then we decided to walk over to the middle school playground and swing.

Taken out of context? You bet it was...

Sunday, 10 November 2002

I've been amusing myself by reading this guide to cults. Which includes everybody from Scientologists to Al Qaeda and Amway. It's sad that there are so many suckers in the world that these groups (not to mention mainstream religion) are around - but it's all worth it just to see Amway listed in amongst them.

Did TISM describe it best?

Hacksaw hacksaw hacksaw
Scrape scrape scrape
Murder murder murder
Rape rape rape
Death death death death,
Death death death death,
Amway Amway Amway,
Amway Amway Amway.

Works for me.

Saturday, 9 November 2002

Awesome news item of the day, thanks to Portal of Evil News (is there anything I won't link to today?) ...

The Hollywood Reporter brings word that Pac-Man will finally be getting his own film, to be produced by Crystal Sky

This made me think about who the greatest video game characters of all time. None of this Lara-Croft rubbish, i'm talking about arcade action here baby. And this is where my practice of linking EVERYTHING is going to come in handy - because i'm sure a lot of people have no idea half these games existed. So, in no particular order...

1 - The Original Donkey Kong . Actually that SNES/N64 Donkey Kong is only supposed to be the newphew of the original. What a fraud.

2/3 - The Brothers from Double Dragon . Their names were Billy and Jimmy Lee trivia fans.

4 - The Gorilla from Congo Bongo . A poor man's Donkey Kong, but a hero nonetheless.

5 - The Ghost from 720 Degrees "SKATE OR DIE!", I was so shattered as a kid when I went out and rented the NES game "Skate or Die" thinking it was a conversion of 720. Turned out to be a great game anyway, but it was just another seed in my total unabating loyalty in Sega.

6 - Paperboy . Any game where you can lob newspapers at Break Dancers and ghosts can never be forgotten. I remember going to Expo 88 in Brisbane when I was seven-years-old and finding this on Free Play. Suffice to say I stayed there half the day and missed going on a bunch of shitty rides.

7. E-Honda from Street Fighter 2. Fat and Japanese, enough said? You had to love that scam you could pull off in Championship Edition where if somebody played as Balrog you could just do the Hundred Hand Slap and win perfect every time. I have happy memories of doing that to so many drug addicts in this riggy little arcade next to where my mother worked years ago.

8. Sonya from Mortal Kombat . The biggest fox in video gaming history, I note that when they took her out of MK2 the game went totally downhill.

9. The Knight-type-dude from Ghosts 'n Goblins. Heroic - Enough said.

10th, and probably my favourite of all must be the little guy out of Elevator Action . He runs, he jumps, he collects secret documents and drives away in a little car marked "Spy". And his name is Otto, which gives it a vaguely evil "Behind the Iron Curtain" feel.

Apologies to the guy from Rolling Thunder who walks around as if he has a foreign object lodged in his butt and of course to Pac Man himself.

What a long and pointless post.

Friday, 8 November 2002

So i've totally lost track of what I was going to say before but I just saw something on TV that inspired me into a whole new avenue of rantage..

I've said here before how much I hate Christina Aguilera, and the complete and utter glee I got from when her video was exposed as having all kinds of messages about kiddy porn written on the wall behind her in Thai, but these days I have somebody I would tend to say annoys me even more.

Can anyone explain to me what purpose that raccoon-woman Avril Lavigne serves for the world? Well, apart from giving 14-year-old boys somebody to have obsessive crushes on. I mean really, her songs are pretty awful as it is (and what the FUCK is up with calling a song "Sk8er Boi" - learn to spell you mad woman) but you've got to hate anyone who is trying to do the "I'm a punk" thing whilst simultaneously doing gut-wrenchingly awful pop music for mass-media corporations.

Now, multinational companies totally rule in my book - and you can't blame them for scamming as much money as possible out of the idiotic music buying public - but do we really need another overdone teen skank in the charts? Really. At least Britney/Christina etc.. aren't puporting to be "Riot Grrrls" or whatever the fuck they're called. All she has to do now is to start pushing some wacky religious barrow and she'll truly ascend to being the anti-christ.

Oh my god, she's wearing a tie - it's like Sid Vicious just climbed out of his grave and started singing again.


Thursday, 7 November 2002

I was watching coverage of the US mid-term elections today on Fox News - don't ask why, for some strange reason I actually care about the result in the 37th Congressional District of Iowa. There is this fucking terrifying woman on Fox called Greta Van Susteren who I just can't get enough of.

No picture I post here would do justice to the look on her face when she's talking on TV. I always feel like she's just about to reach through my screen, rip my esophagus out and beat me repeatedly with it until I die.

Standard Disclaimer: She's probably a very nice person (although she does claim to be a Scientologist which automatically makes you highly suspicious in my book) but my god she scares the living bejesus out of me. Yet strangely every time I watch Fox News and she's on (other than the rare times when that nutbag O'Reilly is ranting) I sit there watching like people do at a car crash. Is this the sign of a secret attraction to the devil woman of Fox News? Good god I hope not.

Comically enough, in finding a suitably evil picture of her on the net I came across this site which seems to bear some grudge against her because of the whole Scientology thing. It's great, you come on here just to rip the piss out of somebody for looking scary and you discover a whole sub-culture of reporter stalking super-freaks.

Wednesday, 6 November 2002

Eid Kabalu, spokesman for the separatist Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF), made the allegation as he accused the US of making false reports linking the MILF to the Al-Qaeda terrorist network and the South-east Asian militant group, Jemaah Islamiah.

Hands up anyone who can discuss a terrorist organisation called "MILF" seriously?
Melbourne Cup day kicks ass... I'm sure foreign people can't understand why we have a public holiday for a horse race but it's such a huge thing here we don't think twice about it.

I remember the last time I had a job (that's 1999 for anyone who's counting) when I had to work at Video Satan on Cup Day and some woman walked in at 3.31 totally unaware of what was going on and why no cars were on the streets. Then for the next three minutes she proceeded to laugh at me as the horse I backed got completely poleaxed 200m out from home and I bashed my head up and down on the desk in front of her and some kid.

Today I had a raft of bets all of which, as tradition dictates, will fail miserably.

Just to prove how sad our country is, there is already $10.8m dollars bet on the race and that doesn't count people who have bet online or with bookmakers.

What a great country we live in.

Saturday, 2 November 2002

Here's a heart warming story, the best part of which is the picture they chose to go with it

A league match in Madagascar has produced a result that has to be a new world record.

Newly-crowned Madagascan champions AS Adema thrashed their arch-rivals Stade Olympique I'Emyrne 149-0 in a top national league game.

But it was not their outstanding skill that led to the outlandish scoreline.

It was because Olympique deliberately scored one own goal after another in protest over a refereeing decision.

Radio Madagascar reported that Olympique began banging the ball into their own net after their coach Ratsimandresy Ratsarazaka lost his temper with the referee. "
Channel 9's latest attempt to market a "friday night funnyman" by showing pissy offcuts from Vince Sorrenti - possibly the world's worst comedian - at corporate events is just so embarassing it's funny. The best thing is he looks like that twat from Everybody Loves Raymond, but we've had this bastard on our tv for fifteen years. Imagine how you hate Ray Romano now, and multiply that by 15 years and you'll feel our pain.

The best thing is I heard from somebody who had the misfortune of seeing him at one of these corporate wanks that he did exactly the same routine that had been on TV three days earlier - including the really lame 'spontaneous' outbursts of laughter. Oh well, I suppose for the enjoyment I get out of hanging shit on him a few minutes a week is a small price to pay.

Blimey, You're All There

Here's one of the great news stories of our time

The Royal Navy was so gripped by a security panic over gay servicemen in the late 1960s, admirals believed at least half of the entire fleet had "sinned homosexually".

Documents released by the Public Record office reveal commanders buried a series of scandals including homosexual affairs on an aircraft carrier, transsexual prostitutes in the Far East and hundreds of men using a "male brothel" in Bermuda.

and this is the best bit of all......

"One sailor reportedly picked up a prostitute who he believed to be female. Realising he wasn't who she appeared to be, the sailor reportedly declared: "Blimey, you're all there!" Nevertheless, he apparently became infatuated"

Isn't it fun how a country where you're not considered to have completed your schooling if the teacher hasn't sodomised you would be so uptight about all of this... And besides, imagine the slogans they can use about promoting local business...

"Before the British Navy came to Bermuda I was homeless, now i'm raking in the cash just for taking it up the ass. Thanks Your Majesty!"

Works for me anyway

Thursday, 31 October 2002

I was up at Swinburne Uni today, and yes it's that time of the year again. Student fecking Elections.

The basic gist of lineups in this battle are Hippies vs anyone further to the right than Stalin.

Fun incidents in the couple of hours that I was there were

* A really ugly hippy chick accusing somebody of intimidating and harassing her while she was yelling in his face with a megaphone
* Dancing Liberal Students
* More megaphone action
* A gay man being accused of "bi-phobia"
* Yet more fucking megaphone action - Student Unions are to megaphone makers what Australian soccer fans are to the Marine Flare industry

It's all madness, if it wasn't all so comical it would be completely sad.

Oh dear, on TV it's that episode of M*A*S*H where they give a horse an enema. Some people have to go on the net to see that kind of thing, what a charmed life i'm living.

Tuesday, 29 October 2002

I don't get this dumbass State Government ad (oh, is that an election I hear rapidly approaching) we have on tv where the foreign car company type says Victoria is great because "Whenever you blow the trumpet somebody will hit you on the head".

Is that some kind of Austrian joke or something? No wonder they just gave up and let the German's take them over back in '36 or whenever the fuck it was. I refuse to look it up just to make the point of how much I hate the Victorian Government

Sunday, 27 October 2002

So, something freaking bizarre has happened since 3am this morning. The hits for this site have (relatively speaking) gone through the roof, and i'm still not on google under "nursing home sex" so that's no excuse.

So to you Frenchies, Brazilians, Japanese and Americans who are probably totally lost as to what i'm talking about - hello!

The disturbing news item of the day is an absolute lock - "The death toll suffered in bringing an end to the three-day Moscow theatre siege has risen to 90 captives and 50 hostage-takers.". Way to go Russian idiots, pump some evil sleeping gas in that not only makes people go to sleep but quite often stops them from waking up again.

"Many captives were taken to hospital suffering from the effects of the chemical."
"Some of the victims are feared to have choked to death on their own vomit after inhaling the gas, The Associated Press reported."

Now really, I know when you've got 50 idiots with explosives strapped to themselves executing hostages that you have to do something - and that considering the circumstances 90 out of 750 is actually still a good result - BUT would it have really hurt to not just rifle through the "Ye Olde Chemical Weapons Dump" and pick out the first evil looking bottle they could find?

No wonder they lost the Cold War...

Saturday, 26 October 2002

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Christina Aguilera... Oh, i've already covered that in detail.

They have this really lame show on called "Video Hits Uncut" which one would presume is intended to include the videos they can't play at 9am on weekend mornings - unfortunately at the moment they're playing a Bachelor Girl song which totally blows their credability as the hot porn alternative at night. Ooh, now they're playing a song that says "come" - I hope there aren't any kiddies watching!

Anyway, I saw the new song by those duds Scooter - You know, the people who found a way to actually make a Supertramp cover sound worse than the original - and by jeebus it's one of the worst ever. Much like their first offering it's five minutes of povo techno music that sounds like it was done on a 'My First Keyboard', some chipmunked vocals and a fat guy with bleach blond hair (who has a frightening similarity to Shane Warne) shouting slogans like "Come On!". I guess they'll try and sell it for 99 cents just to push it into the singles charts (See for example Heidi, Killing)

Ha ha, the best thing about this show is that it's obviously such filler (the time which could be spent on fundy religious programming, which we all benefit from) is that there is never more than two ads in a row and one of them is always a station promo - I love watching shows that I know nobody else is. Probably because everyone else has something better to do on a Friday night.

Yes, it's the fatchicksinpartyhats.com Miguel translator - one of the greatest inventions known to the human race.

Thursday, 24 October 2002

It's ironic that there are so many blogs who's titles are in English but the actual content is Spanish. Mine must be the only one with a Spanish title and English text.

Not ironic enough for you?

Well it's better than that Alanis song anyway...

Tuesday, 22 October 2002

Well, thank god for that.

I was looking around the world of blog to see just how pissweak my effort is in comparison to the rest of the world. The results were, however, quite exciting. Half of the sites I clicked on had totally flucked code sitting all over the page, were in stupid possibly invented languages or were written by holy men trying to be funky. There was even one somehow dedicated to the Lord of the Rings - It could have said anything really and I wouldn't have got it. That film goes in the Jurassic Park folder of movies that I pledge never to see in my life. Fantasy films shit me to tears in the first place, but any movie that actually inspires people to go out and learn the fictional language contained within CANNOT be healthy.

Anyway, I have a huge inferiority complex when it comes to these things because the one person I know who has one makes it look good. I have absolutely no confidence in pissing about with the code, because it might come out looking like one of these horrid black and pink things written by people with silly names like "2Pac Lives"

Well, if you do read this (That's you, hardcore Tentacle Rape junkies) I shall be back a lot. I'm always on the net, usually listening to sports from some godforsaken corner of the globe so what else am I supposed to do when nobody else is online to talk to me?
Right-e-o then, i'm Adam and this here is my blog.

Everyone else seems to be doing it, so in the tradition of what made the Internet great I am going to rip them all off and provide an inferior product.

Shall we then?