Friday, 3 December 2004

Bizarre DVD extra action

In the extras of the John Safran vs God DVD there’s footage of him at a first aid class run by a terrifyingly stern woman who just yells at him for five minutes. I was right at the end and not taking much notice anymore when I heard this evil voice emanating from my television. “Surely it couldn’t be” I thought. But sadly when they finally showed her on camera it was true. The evil first aid woman who went me in a work related class almost two years ago had not only resurfaced but she’s made it into the media before I had. How depressing.

The highlight of our class (basically her yelling at us for an entire day) was when she said that you can’t physically swallow your tongue, I said words to the effect of “But I’ve seen on this..” and she just shot me down for a couple of minutes and then went “Alright?” Clearly beaten by the power of first aid lunacy I attempted to concede, saying “No, you’re the expert I believe you”. She thought I was being a smartarse and turned on me for the best of five minutes as I attempted to extracate myself from the mess I’d gotten into. Eventually she gave up and started yelling at us for killing the CPR dummies instead.

Disgraceful. How come she’s worthy of fame and I’m not?*

* Yes, I am aware that being buried in the very last extra of a disc that’s not going to be seen outside of Australia hardly constitutes ‘fame’. But it’s better than anything I’ve managed yet.

Thursday, 2 December 2004

I love the smell of Napalm in Fallujah

“… smells like victory”

Unless of course you’re involved in a bloody guerilla war where the chances of ever being able to confidently declare a total victory are somewhere between extremely little and absolutely fricking none.

Now before you read this article please note that I’m not vouching for it’s validity. Might be complete bollox or a top exclusive for all I know. We report, you decide. Given that’s it’s by the Sunday Mirror whose top story at this very moment is entitled “NANCY PORN VIDEO SHOCK” (Sorell, not Reagan or Sinatra for you perverts interested in that sort of thing) and who have in the past provided us with such genius as “THE KILLER EMAIL” I’m inclined to think they’re talking out of their asses.

US troops are secretly using outlawed napalm gas to wipe out remaining insurgents in and around Fallujah.

News that President George W. Bush has sanctioned the use of napalm, a deadly cocktail of polystyrene and jet fuel banned by the United Nations in 1980, will stun governments around the world.

And last night Tony Blair was dragged into the row as furious Labour MPs demanded he face the Commons over it. Reports claim that innocent civilians have died in napalm attacks, which turn victims into human fireballs as the gel bonds flames to flesh.

Outraged critics have also demanded that Mr Blair threatens to withdraw British troops from Iraq unless the US abandons one of the world’s most reviled weapons. Halifax Labour MP Alice Mahon said: “I am calling on Mr Blair to make an emergency statement to the Commons to explain why this is happening. It begs the question: ‘Did we know about this hideous weapon’s use in Iraq?’”

Since the American assault on Fallujah there have been reports of “melted” corpses, which appeared to have napalm injuries.

Last August the US was forced to admit using the gas in Iraq.

A 1980 UN convention banned the use of napalm against civilians - after pictures of a naked girl victim fleeing in Vietnam shocked the world.

America, which didn’t ratify the treaty, is the only country in the world still using the weapon.

Now like I said I’m deeply suspicious of such wild allegations from such a shithouse publication but if by some colossal fluke it’s actually proved true I’ll officially close down that 20% of sympathy and support I had left for the whole mission.

Odd how I’ve wavered on that sort of thing. I’d hazard a guess that I was probably split 50/50 when it kicked off, jumped on the bandwagon and was all for it with some reservations once they toppled Saddam and have slowly slid back to almost no respect for it as it drags on endlessly. Mind you when people actually suggest that we should be happy that soldiers are getting killed because it makes the American government look like tits it causes more than a casually raised eyebrow here.

And that’s the closest to coherant political debate you’ll get from me.

Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell*

* Title = nothing to do with the post. Just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Can you spot the filler posting? Yes that’s right it’s been going on for the last two years. But the past couple of days have been even worse than normal. I’ve really got nothing to say. Insane paranoid rants about office Christmas parties are one thing but quality bloggage is another.

Thank god for the TSP 1000 (starting Saturday - music fans). That’s twenty days in a row of at least one cheap post per day covered. I was trying to write something remotely clever about each of the top 50 but my fatter-than-Elvis case of writers block and the fact that I can’t coherantly review music have conspired to screw that up. And I’m having a crisis moving things around the top 50.

Then there’s my car… [that’s quite enough for now - Editor]

Wednesday, 1 December 2004

Too much time on his hands

I had a totally random thought today (actually I had two - the Captain in Captain and Tenille’s real name was apparently Daryl Dragon. I even looked it up). I’ve never been to a christening in my life - thanks to my family being godless heathens - but if I ever was forced to go to one I’d be very disappointed if there wasn’t a random series of murders taking place around the city at the same time a la The Godfather. Just wouldn’t be worth it otherwise. A bit of “Do you renounce Satan?” at the same time as another Melbourne underworld figure is blown up in the Eltham RSL would be super.*

Of course the fact that I was sitting around in Camberwell for five freaking hours waiting for my car to be fixed probably contributed to the air of random thought. And then some idiots sent over the wrong part and it couldn’t be done until tomorrow.

* Of course I renounce nothing. When the whole religious thing is proved true I’m fucked.

Japan. Nation of wankers

Chances are that if you are a male aged 16-60 and you tour Japan now that you WILL GET LAID.

Japanese condom sales are sagging as a passion for the Internet leads the Japanese to choose unprotected sex, if any sex at all, the nation’s largest condom manufacturer said ahead of World Aids Day.

Domestic shipments have shriveled 43 percent from the peak in 1980 of 737 million to just 419 million condoms in 2003, according to the latest health ministry data.

Industry experts said omnipresent pornography in the hi-tech country meant fewer people were having sex — and among those who still are, fewer are using condoms.

“Since the advent of the broadband Internet in Japan, people can connect the entire night without having any extra charges,” said a spokeswoman for top condom maker Okamoto Industries.

“Those people who cannot break away from their computers are not able to have sex,” she said.

Gentlemen, according to Webjet a return flight from Melbourne to Tokyo on Qantas Airlines currently costs $2229. Book now to avoid disappointment.