Saturday, 28 June 2003

The Grudge Report

Well, Super (Grudge Match) Saturday has come and gone, and the final score is 1-1.

In the day session Melbourne shocked the world (but not me, I picked them), beating the hated St. Kilda by seven goals. Five of those goals came in six minutes at the end of the third quarter and we were sitting there wondering if this was the same Melbourne who have been, frankly, SHITE for the last three months. All that and some loud St. Kilda tosser sitting in front of me was shat on by a bird and sat there for two quarters completely oblivious to the fact. Quality!

Of course we did benefit from several colossal umpiring rorts, but it's usually the other way around so you won't find me being humble about it and whinging about the poor state of umpiring in the league.

I thought it would never last, and it turns out I was correct.

Wests Tigers got closer than they ever have in Melbourne before, somehow, yet lost again. 16-8 was the final result, and by christ we were lucky to get eight points. Thank god for the defensive line holding up well or it would have been comparable to the great 64-0 debacle of 2000. We should have known how shit the performance was going to be when it was announced Joel Caine was going to play at full-back.

Maybe next year... Maybe in ten years... You can be assured that it's going to be the piss-on of the decade when we do.

P.S - This is the 100th post in the MT history of TSP. Rejoice citizens!

Friday, 27 June 2003

Green Left Whinge

Those wacky left-wing funmasters at Resistance sure know how to influence world political opinion. They're onto a good cause (for once) to start with, but it goes horribly wrong in the second paragraph;

The people of Aceh are demanding independence from Indonesia, just as the East Timorese did only a few years ago...and they need your solidarity.

Click here to sign a petition in support and find out how you can help.

Yeah! Let's sign that petition 1 million times each, and maybe then the Indonesians will realise just how much some bogan from Moonee Ponds cares about what pricks they are and will cease operations in Aceh forthwith. Fools! The only people more idiotic are the ones who signed the lefty "End the War! Save the Whales!" petitions and ended up attached to the Socialist Alliance/Gay Eskimo Action Faction mailing list. They're currently wondering why they've recieved 300 emails this month inviting them to a special screening of The Matrix where it's secret anti-capitalism message will be revealed.

While we're at it let's take our occassional, Tim Dunlop inspired, look into the letters pages of the Green Left Weekly.

Will our old friend Peter Woodforde of Melba, ACT make another appearance? He does in every other column. Has this man nothing better to do? Does he secretly blog on the side? So many unanswered questions.

Firstly we have lefties getting their facts wrong. Surprise! Well, we know the right aren't much better but work with me here ok?

Emma Corcoran's article "Don't send detainees back to die" (GLW #540) reports on an Iranian refugee called Muhammad who is said to be "too frightened to return to his homeland because he is a Christian" a 'crime' punishable by death in Iran".

This statement could be taken as implying that Christianity as such is illegal in Iran. This is not the case.

Then, in keeping with the Iranian theme we have some guff from a Professor of something in Tehran about how the 'occupation' of the Allies in Iraq is somewhat comparable to the Hussein regime. It's not like he wants things to happen quickly or anything;

the occupation forces' obvious failure to overcome the people's post-war difficulties helps strengthen radical religious views put forward by some extremist groups.

Obvious failure? Shouldn't the Iranians be revelling in the percieved ills of their old enemies? What a complicated world situation we live in.

Finally, in the only non-Iranian related contribution of an otherwise pissweak mailbag we have a "Liberals + Aboriginal Tent Embassy + Fire = Scandal" conspiracy theory

Now that arson attacks are an approved method of political expression in Australia, how long before those inspired by the inept Tuckey end up taking life to further the grubby goals of Howardism-Hansonism?

Guess who?

Peter W******e
Melba ACT

Welcome back Pete!

If only there was a comparable Australian far-right nutbag publication for me to rip the piss out of at the same time. Can anyone point me towards one you can read on the net?

I've Never Been There

The series finale of our (not quite) popular weekly look at countries they didn't bother teaching you about in school. I still haven't come up with a new Friday special feature, so behave yourself or we might end up with another one of these next week ok?

10. Kiribati

Location: Oceania, group of 33 coral atolls in the Pacific Ocean, straddling the equator; the capital Tarawa is about one-half of the way from Hawaii to Australia; note - on 1 January 1995, Kiribati proclaimed that all of its territory lies in the same time zone as its Gilbert Islands group (GMT +12) even though the Phoenix Islands and the Line Islands under its jurisdiction lie on the other side of the International Date Line

Population: 96,335

Ethnic Groups: predominantly Micronesian with some Polynesian

Religions: Roman Catholic 52%, Protestant (Congregational) 40%, some Seventh-Day Adventist, Muslim, Baha'i, Latter-day Saints, and Church of God (1999)

Languages: Kiribati, English (official)

Capital: Tarawa
Radio broadcast stations: AM 1, FM 2, shortwave 1
Television broadcast stations: 1 (not active)
Internet Country Code: .ki
Railways: None
Highways: 670 km

International Disputes: None.

Oct 1892: Gilbert and Ellice Islands (British protectorate)
26 Sep 1901: Ocean Island (Banaba) annexed by U.K.
12 Jan 1916: British colony.
1916-1976: Part of the British Western Pacific Territories.
1916-1939: Phoenix Islands [part of Kiribati] a separate part of the British Western Pacific Territories
Dec 1941-23 Nov 1943: Japanese occupation
1 Oct 1975: Separation of the Ellice Islands as Tuvalu.
12 Jul 1979: Independence of the Gilbert Islands as Republic of Kiribati.
20 Sep 1979: U.S. recognizes Canton (Kanton), Enderbury, Hull (Orona), Birnie, Gardner (Nikumaroro), Phoenix (Rawaki), Sydney (Manra), McKean, Christmas (Kiritimati), Caroline, Starbuck, Malden, Flint and Vostok islands as part of Kiribati (effective 23 Sep 1983).

Thursday, 26 June 2003

Sex tours to Otago - Book now

Dear New Zealand, welcome to the 21st century!

Parliament tonight passed prostitution law changes when MPs voted 60-59 in favour of a bill which raised passionate debate and drew the strongest opposition from moral conservatives since homosexual law reform 17 years ago.

Labour MP Tim Barnett's Prostitution Reform Bill will become law after nearly three years of scrutiny, 415 hours of debate by Parliament and its committees and 222 public submissions.

How long till one of these 'moral conservatives' gets filmed walking out the door of one of these legalised knocking shops? Two weeks?

It's hideous!


This is my favourite bit,

The below mug shot was taken earlier this year following Milam's arrest in the murder case. Milam, who pulled a gun on sheriff's deputies, got roughed up a bit as he resisted arrest.

Yes... Of course that's why the cops beat him up. The fact that he's clearly a total prick would be good enough reason for me really.

Blog Sports

This thing returns what ads would be shown on your webpage if you subscribe to Google’s AdSense thingy. VM, for instance, would be advertising “Uncle Leuschner and the Chris Complex Seattle Postmodern Folk Rock”, and, umm, a publication describing itself as “A load of bollocks”. Awwright!

I got the Load of Bollocks thing as well for this site. It's apparently "A new spoof newspaper on the web! What do you want to believe today" which totally underwhelms me because even snotty 14-year-olds can run spoof sites (in all senses of the word). Just make up some zany headlines like the Onion and write something frankly offensive about George Bush/John Howard/Ariel Sharon or Yassir Arafat (delete as applicable).

The second advertising option is slightly more confusing,

Middle East Peace Plan

Worldwide harbour dredgings make artificial islands and Cape Gaza

I thought that was surely some kind of satirical "we're so zany" website as well, but it turns out to be the home of "Heal the Harbour", some mentalists who want to "Offset the negative effects of habitat loss, global warming and sea level rise. Increase the peace and prosperity of mankind and marine mammals."

Increase the peace? Is this written by Ali G or something? AIII! Big ups to the Gaza massive, and all that.

Not sure if they're actually suggesting the path to middle-eastern peace is to turn the disputed territory into a Club-Med style holiday resort, but considering how they're based in California and are clearly mad you'd have to think so.

Explanation required

Forrest Gump is on TV this Sunday (in Melbourne at least). Now, I might be a heartless prick or something but I've never quite been able to understand what is so great about that film. It frankly bored me to tears. Good soundtrack though.

Maybe it's Tom Hanks' fault? I've never been able to get into his films either.

A League of Their Own? That was good. Philadelphia? A definate classic, but let's examine some of the other contenders from the 3.5 million movies he's done in the last 20-odd years;

Dungeons and Dragons (1982) - We'll forgive him this one, but only because every actor has made at least one horrifically bad film at the start of their career.

Splash (1984) - Carried by ubermilf Daryl Hannah.

The Money Pit (1986) - Law of the universe says that no film with Shelley Long may EVER be considered good. This is no exception.

Dragnet (1987) - TV remakes = Death.

Big (1988) - Umm, it was ok in the late 80's, but now? Say hello to Channel 7's midday movie schedule.

The Burbs (1989) - Seriously weird shit. And not in a good way.

Turner and Hooch (1989) - The film that relaunched the concept of Animal/Human zany buddy comedies. You can blame this singlehandedly for the movie careers of Jim Belushi and Matt LeBlanc.

Joe Versus the Volcano (1990) - IMDB crashed Internet Explorer when I opened the page on this film which is a pretty nice way of stopping people from having to read any information on a shite film.

Bonfire of the Vanities (1990) - A bomb so colossal that the war in Iraq could have been shortened by 13 days if the US forces had access to it's pure powers of suckiness.

Now at this point you might be up in arms, having decided that the Volcano film is actually a lost classic of modern cinema. In that case you might want to go straight to the comments and harass me there.

Sleepless in Seattle (1993) - Now, this is controversial I'm sure. I actually like this film (my resignation as a man has been handed in), but you can't tell me that it wouldn't have been as good with anybody else in Hanks role. Meg Ryan actually carries the film, which is one of the more frightening things in the history of modern cinema.

Apollo 13 (1995) - Hanks - "Houston we have a problem" Audience - "Zzzzzzz"

Toy Story - Well, that was only a voice. So we'll give him a pass on that - and leave it there because we're all familiar with his work in the past few years. Saving Private Ryan, Catch Me If You Can, bloody Cast Away ("look, he talks to a volleyball!") and let's not even get started on "You've Got Mail" or i'll be here all night.

Maybe I'm wrong and I'm the one who's missing the point? Maybe it's like how I'm the only person in the world who actually liked Days of Thunder?


Spin Starts Here rules;

In a statement the Pope said:

“OMG WTF???? ROFL!!!!!11!! U R A BUNCH OF FAGZ!!1!!!!

I AM DA P0p3 N AM DA 1337est!!!! U Hax0rZ R GHEYZ!1!!!!!”

Tuesday, 24 June 2003

... and feck off now

Lleyton Hewitt loses at Wimbledon. Surprisingly nobody in Australia actually cares, and that's probably because we're sick of the whinging little "Pat Cash 2k" prick and his temper tantrums. Personally I laughed my ass off when I found out he'd been knocked over by some Croatian nobody.

Same goes for that dud Phillapousis. Bring back Pat Rafter I say, he might live in a shonky foreign country to avoid paying tax but at least he doesn't have a cry everytime something goes wrong for him.

Sunday, 22 June 2003

Come on down! And then piss off again

The Price is Right is back on Australian television tomorrow at 5:30pm. And it's hosted by Larry Emdur too. Have we not moved on from 1997 yet?

I won't take this new incarnation seriously until some nutcase creates a website to archive how often each mini-game is played like this American nutbag.

Seriously though, couldn't we do something a bit different? Who could possibly object to seeing the return of Supermarket Sweep or Press Your Luck hosted by Ian Turpie? The two greatest game shows of our time, sadly neglected.

Emdur out! Turpie in!

A highbrow evening in Melbourne

Classy way to spend a Saturday night. At the Greyhound Racing in Broadmeadows. $5 entry, free parking and a guaranteed good night out for all. Especially if you're picking winners left, right and centre like I was.

Tonight just galvanised the dream of buying a dog and naming it after our (faltering severely) indoor soccer team - that's Chickempron Submarine for those who came in late. If we get enough people to go in on the scam idea it might just work.

UPDATE - I forgot to mention that whilst I saw plenty of 'colorful racing identities' (i.e potential crooks) there were no sightings of men in trenchcoats kicking dogs or injecting them with large quantities of canine steroids. Which was disappointing. Maybe next time!

Saturday, 21 June 2003

All hail the great man

This months old post on the best of Dennis Cometti is still compulsory reading.

Some Klassic Kometti goes as follows,

Healy: Word is this guy is the most reliable kick for goal in the side.
They say down at Collingwood if you had to have someone kicking for your life, Tarkyn Lockyer would be the man
Commetti: I'd prefer my mum
Commetti: Not a great footballer, but at least she'd care.

Dennis: King to Ling
Dermott: Just forward of the wing
Dennis: Don't you start!

Dermie: "Why do you suppose he went side on to take the mark?"
Dennis: "He probably was trying to impress the Russian judge."

"If it was a set play, they copied it from a Portugese bus time-table"

Dermott: And the ball spills free to Kickett...
Cometti: Troy Cook you mean?
Dermott: Yes.. well, they do look rather alike.
Cometti: How so Dermott?
Dermott: (realising that sounded rather racist.) Umm, well, they are both..
Cometti: .. Midfielders, yes Dermott.

And what does all prove, aside from the fact that he's the greatest caller of the game ever? It shows that the only time Dermott Brereton is of any use in the commentary box is when he's Cometti's blatantly stupid offsider.

Childhood idols make good

When I was in high school Azerbaijan was some kind of cult country that we all supported for some reason. When I say "we" and "all" that equates to about ten people, but we were far superior to the rest of the plebs at that school so that's all that matters. I distinctly remember a time when "Sweet Home Alabama" became "Sweet Home Azerbaijan" and when a book about the (new) mother country was stolen from the school library. We also had a genius who decided that "Great Southern Land" by Icehouse actually said "Great Southern Stand" but that's beside the point.

Sadly we've still not grown up after all these years (and good god it's almost five and yet I've still achieved nothing with my life). A few weeks ago that school library book was brought out and at a birthday party we went to "Sweet Home Alabama" was desecrated once again.

Anyway, the good news is that the Azeri's have finally hit the big time,

The United States will ensure political stability and continuity of power in Azerbaijan. Azeris base this conclusion on reports in the Western and Turkish media that the US is going to move about 15,000 of its troops from Germany to Azerbaijan, the Nezavisimaya Gazeta reports.

Such reports appeared earlier, but they seem more plausible now that the influential American newspaper Wall Street Journal has specified this information. Citing sources in the Pentagon, the WSJ reported about the number of the contingent and the purpose of the operation – the protection of the Baku-Tbilisi-Ceyhan pipeline and the fight against international terrorism, according to the Nezavisimaya Gazeta.

I'm proud of the boys, they've finally reached a worldwide audience.

Failed footy tips ahoy

Way back, in a long gone era (Sunday March 2nd to be precise) I made a bold prediction of how the final AFL ladder would pan out. Let's analyse those selections now, and see just how wrong I was.

Port Adelaide
Pre-Season Prediction - 1st
Actual Place - 1st
Mid-Season Prediction - 3rd

No idea how they're top. Maybe I just can't understand how any team could successfully manage to make Melbourne look good and still be atop the ladder at the halfway mark of the season

Pre-Season Prediction - 2nd
Actual Place - 3rd
Mid-Season Prediction - 1st

Hit by the kind of shocking injury run that they managed to avoid the past two seasons and were absolutely porked by the red-hot West Coast last round but they'll still finish top. Not entirely sure they're going to win the whole thing though.

Pre-Season Prediction - 3rd
Actual Place - 7th
Mid-Season Prediction - 5th

Strange to see them as the worst of the interstate clubs but have been a bit disappointing so far. I've no doubts they'll get better, but their finals series may very well be a one game affair this year.

Pre-Season Prediction - 4th
Actual Place - 14th
Mid-Season Prediction - 12th

Whoa, what was I thinking here? Must have been seduced by the half-decent performance of a young team last year and the fact that they've got a jolly theme song.

St. Kilda
Pre-Season Prediction - 5th
Actual Place - 10th
Mid-Season Prediction - 9th

Who can tell with this bunch of idiots? Beat a good team one week, get flogged by some duds the next. Sack one of your ruckmen and watch the rest go down with injuries at a record setting pace. They'll probably win the bloody Premiership now just to irritate me.

Pre-Season Prediction - 6th
Actual Place - 8th
Mid-Season Prediction - 8th

I stand by my prediction of the Magpies entering the kind of post-Grand Final hell that both St. Kilda and Melbourne experienced after their appearances in the big game. They won't even make the 8 next year, so enjoy it while you can Pies fans.

Pre-Season Prediction - 7th
Actual Place - 12th
Mid-Season Prediction - 11th

Look to have got their season back into gear after Schwab was inches away from being out of a job two months ago. Some mentalists are even talking finals - which is a bit over the top if you ask me. Still, the coach will survive and they'll be a good side next year - which is more than we can say for some teams.

Pre-Season Prediction - 8th
Actual Place - 5th
Mid-Season Prediction - 4th

Happy to say that I'm one of the few who tipped the Dockers to make the 8 this year. I might have even ranked them higher were they not the kind of team to implode at the slightest hint of pressure. Who knows, they still might. Probably not a Grand Final contender, but it would be quite comical if they did make it.

West Coast
Pre-Season Prediction - 9th
Actual Place - 2nd
Mid-Season Prediction - 2nd

Didn't think they'd be able to maintain their shock good form of last year but I was wrong. So wrong in fact that I'm tipping them to go on and win the whole thing. That'll jinx them then.

Pre-Season Prediction - 10th
Actual Place - 11th
Mid-Season Prediction - 10th

Past it. Extremely mediocre. Next.

Pre-Season Prediction - 11th
Actual Place - 15th
Mid-Season Prediction - 16th

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I thought I was being the ultimate pessimist picking us to not only miss the 8 but miss it by a mile but it turns out I was actually being optimistic. Clearly the worst side in the competition at the moment and an absolute lock to finish last. Will be lucky to win another game this year.

North Melbourne
Pre-Season Prediction - 12th
Actual Place - 6th
Mid-Season Prediction - 7th

Won four in a row, had a draw, lost the next four and now they've won four. What the fark is going on there? Still likely to cause an upset and make the eight. I can safely say that if it ends up as interstate madness in the finals I'll be going for them.

Pre-Season Prediction - 13th
Actual Place - 16th
Mid-Season Prediction - 15th

Were never going to do anything this year, but the actual extent of their absymal performances this year have been a shock. Three times they've thrown away games against far better teams and will win a few more before the end of the year. Must be looking forward to their game against Melbourne with some glee.

Pre-Season Prediction - 14th
Actual Place - 4th
Mid-Season Prediction - 6th

Excellent list of youngsters, but they'll struggle to keep the intensity going for the whole year. Surely Barry Hall is only a couple of weeks away from doing something majorly stupid, getting suspended for five weeks and blowing the whole year for them. I predict he'll headbutt somebody.

Pre-Season Prediction - 15th
Actual Place - 13th
Mid-Season Prediction - 14th

Expected to be shit. Are shit, but better than some. It's going to get progressively worse for them over the next couple of years - so Blues fans should enjoy only being semi-terrible this year. More people looking forward to an easy win when they play us.

Pre-Season Prediction - 16th
Actual Place - 9th
Mid-Season Prediction - 13th

So, they're not going to finish last. Got that one wrong. But all the yellow and black mutants who thought they were going to snap the Premiership drought as the side sat second on the ladder a few months back had better get ready to wait a few more years because they've hit the wall and are absolutely no chance to see September action.

The others...

Port Adelaide to beat Brisbane in the GF
Can't see it happening now. I'm going for a West Coast-Brisbane GF with the Eagles winning.

Peter Bell (Fremantle) to win the Brownlow
Almost certainly not, but he'll surely run in the top 10.

Matthew Lloyd (Essendon) to be a one man team and win the Coleman
Well, I'm right on track here. Two out of 19 isn't too bad is it? IS IT?

What I Saw Today

Melbourne has been infested by Rugby Union (aka: Kick and Clap) fans. It's really disturbing, they're everywhere. Unfortunately the large group of England fans who were walking down Elizabeth Street didn't stop to engage in some of the conduct much loved by their football fan brothers and throw somebody through the window of a bottle store.

The other strange thing I saw/heard was a punk singing Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" at the top of his voice whilst I was trying to play the No Fear pinball machine.

Crazy days.

Friday, 20 June 2003

I've Never Been There

The penultimate look at countries they didn't bother teaching you about in school.

9. Belize

Location: Middle America, bordering the Caribbean Sea, between Guatemala and Mexico

Population: 262,999

Ethnic Groups: Mestizo 48.7%, Creole 24.9%, Maya 10.6%, Garifuna 6.1%, other 9.7%

Religions: Roman Catholic 49.6%, Protestant 27% (Anglican 5.3%, Methodist 3.5%, Mennonite 4.1%, Seventh-Day Adventist 5.2%, Pentecostal 7.4%, Jehovah's Witnesses 1.5%), none 9.4%, other 14% (2000)

Languages: English (official), Spanish, Mayan, Garifuna (Carib), Creole

Capital: Belmopan
Radio broadcast stations: AM 1, FM 12
Television broadcast stations: 2
Internet Country Code: .bz
Railways: None
Highways: 2,880 km

International Disputes: the "Line of Adjacency" established in 2000 as an agreed limit to check squatters settling in Belize, remains in place while the Organization of American States (OAS) assists states to resolve Guatemalan territorial claims in Belize and Guatemalan maritime access to the Caribbean Sea; Honduras claims the Sapodilla Cays off the coast of Belize.

1524: Part of the Spanish colony of New Spain.
1665: First English settlements.
1742-1884: Subordinated to Jamaica.
1749: Black River Settlements.
10 Mar 1787: Spanish take Black River, settlers relocate further into Belize.
12 May 1862: British Honduras crown colony.
2 Oct 1884: British Honduras a separate colony.
Mar 1954: Autonomy
1 Jan 1964: Self-government achieved.
1 Jun 1973: Renamed Belize.
21 Sep 1981: Independence from Britain (Belize).
14 Aug 1991: The Guatemalan government declared that "it recognizes the Belizean people - which was nice of them.

Life Kills

Pro-Life types are generally morons. So says Caz, and I agree wholeheartedly. See my 10,000 posts on the same subject in the past - no links required there's enough of 'em.

Try this excerpt from her rant on for size -

The quiet ones didn’t bother me so much. They’d just kneel there for hours praying for the “murdered souls”, silently waving their placards. They’d wheel out disabled and deformed people in wheelchairs for the sympathy vote too, as if to say “What if our parents had aborted us?” This one old dude had this cardboard box with Astroturf in it and plastic fetuses. I used to ask him how much it cost to get a raffle ticket in the meat tray draw and get him all riled up. Ha!

Pure genius.

Thursday, 19 June 2003

It's a funeral

I just saw an ad for that useless Channel 7 comedy show "Big Bite" and dear me what a complete mess that looked like.

Taking the piss out of wacky foreign people on SBS - welcome to 1991. Jokes about Greg Matthews hair? That's a bit more contemporary, say 1995 at the best. And some pissweak comedy stuntman that couldn't be more ripped off from Shitscared and All Aussie Adventures if it tried.

Is sketch comedy in Australia dead? In this reporters opinion, yes.

It gets worse

I heard a rumor from a semi-credible source at lunchtime today that David Neitz had been done for drink driving. I actually believed it but it turns out that it's officially "Kick the Melbourne supporters while they're down Day".

What's next? They'll be telling us Scott Chisholm is going to make a comeback or something.

And on the note of the Neitz debacle I saw something very interesting in the papers today. Notorious dud skiier and all-around waste of space MP Kirsty Marshall "urged" the club sponsors to pull out in protest at Neitz's behaviour. It's a good thing that my train carriage was empty at 5.57am because I let out a massive "WHAT THE FUCK?" when I read it.

And I quote from the article;

Ms Marshall said she was disgusted.

"We all make mistakes but this is different. It's an embarrassment," she said. "Just because the season is not going to plan, you get so drunk that you have to be held down by eight people?

"To me, it means you need serious help . . . get a therapist. If I was playing so badly, I'd just train harder."

She called on the club's sponsor, LG, to act.

"The sponsors should be jumping up and down and saying this is not on," she said. "Without a doubt they should walk away."

Now, I'm not sure what her connection with this case is - the article certainly doesn't shed any light - but may I humbly suggest she shut the hell up on subjects she knows nothing about. Sure, that might mean she never speaks again but that can only be a positive for the rest of us.

"To me, it means you need serious help . . . get a therapist. If I was playing so badly, I'd just train harder."

Let's examine that comment shall we? He can't handle pressure so he should go out and train harder to make sure he can next time? Is this the same woman who went into two Winter Olympics as red-hot Gold Medal favourite and ended up in a crumpled heap on the snow each time or not? She obviously never went on a prolonged campaign of self-destruction in honor though, just became an ALP MP which is probably worse in the long term.

And yes, I can really see the sponsors pulling out. A multinational electronics corporation withdrawing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of funding because one guy gets pissed and some tart MP tells them to. Get real. I already hated the airheaded cow. This is just the icing on the cake.

See, this is why I can't possibly be identified with the Liberals anymore. If you can't find a candidate good enough to beat somebody like her then you're clearly not worthy of any support.

Wednesday, 18 June 2003

Crazy Melbourne #1

The National Gallery in Melbourne has been under reconstruction for years now. I last went there in 1997 I think and it's definately been shut down since at least '99. They say it's opening again in November this year, but that's about the forty-third different reopening date they've given in the past couple of years so I'll believe it when I see it.

Anyway, all the outside of the building has been good for in that time is hosting a flame-war between various factions of Melbourne psychopaths on the yellow construction walls. Usually it's some far left-wing knobs writing stuff about how Howard/Bush/Israel = KKK/Hitler/Great Satan or something but once in a while the other side fires up and you get some great thesis about what complete bastards the Palestinians are. Every few days the wall will be wiped clean (even though you can still see most of what was written left underneath) and the process starts all over again.

Recently, though, the hippies have started to express a bizarre desire for the welfare of poultry and related products. Last week it was "Save Chickens, not People" and after a couple of other livestock related 'posts' they've come up with the greatest piece of graffiti ever. In five foot high letters on the Southbank Boulevard side of the wall it now says;


Pure genius! It's the best thing an anarchist has ever done.

It Continues

So, Melbourne are shit on the field and our captain is disgracing himself off it. How wonderful.

The story is a bit of a beat-up though. Who hasn't been at their local Casino totally pissed and been threatened by the bouncers? Sure, he might have taken it a bit far and ended up in the back of a divvy van but that's all part of the great Australian night out isn't it? When I turned on the Channel 10 news at 5.59 last night and saw pictures of Daniher and Neitz giving a press-conference I thought somebody had been sacked - sadly it wasn't true.

On a positive note the Herald-Sun had about eight pages dedicated to Melbourne today. Pity they were all about how awful we are.

UPDATE - From Fox Sports
AFL chief executive Wayne Jackson has urged Melbourne to deal swiftly and transparently with skipper David Neitz after his drunken altercation with a taxi driver and security guards yesterday.

Melbourne will hopefully urge Wayne Jackson to shut his f'ing mouth and piss off into retirement already.

UPDATE 2 - It just occurred to me that "how funny are we?" opposition fans will probably greet Neita with a chant of "You're going home in the back of a divvy van!" Usually I'd cop that, but considering we're playing St. Kilda who must have the highest proportion of parolee fans of any team in the league I'll certainly be commenting when I hear some toothless old granny fire up with this.

It's very hard to come up with catchy titles all the time isn't it?

A day off blogging, my phone line died AGAIN. And I had to wait for Telstra to come and fix it AGAIN. This has happened the last two times it's pissed down raining and will probably happen again next time.

During all this I had a horrible revelation last night. For years, ever since it's release, I've slagged off that Alanis Morrisette song "Ironic" for trying to pass off several different scenarios as irony when they're clearly not. It only came to me at about 7pm last night that maybe the whole point to the song was to be ironic about the fact that she was singing a song about irony that contained none. If you know what I mean, I can't explain it.

I hope not though, I'd hate to have been scammed by a perennial 'where-are-they-now' candidate like Alanis

Monday, 16 June 2003

Californian political update

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Californian Governor?

If that's not the biggest publicity stunt ever I'd be surprised. New blockbuster movie comes out, Arnold gets his name plastered across the worldwide press - film makes much money and everyone is happy as political ambitions are quickly forgotten. Well, actually I suppose the whole Jesus making a comeback three-days after being nailed to a cross was probably a bigger stunt but the validity of that story has always worried me so we'll give the nod to Arnie on this one.

Memories flooding back...

I posted a few days ago about the worst footy banners in history. I just remembered the best. The fact that it was censored by the AFL doesn't stop it from being the greatest ever.

The Fitzroy-Bears merger had just gone down, it was the Lions second last or last game in Melbourne and they attempted to get this one past the censors.


Absolute genius. Bring them back I say.

Flee fatass flee!

Well, the ALP leadership Royal Rumble is over and odds are we'll never see ol' Kim Beazley again. With remarkable insight into what the public don't want to see in a political leader the ALP MP's reelected Simon 'Dead Man Walking' Crean 58 votes to 34. This is all the more impressive considering how Beazley had 35 votes locked in before the contest started. He actually managed to lose somebody along the way, which is certainly impressive.

Considering how KB (Beazley, not Kevin Bartlett) was elected unopposed as Labor leader after the '96 election this means he's now failed in three seperate political leadership contests in a decade, which must be some kind of record.

In my humble opinion, and that doesn't count for much I'm sure, all these people 'supporting' Crean are waiting a few months until his position becomes a complete joke again (could be a few weeks) and are then going to knife him themselves. John Howard won't need to come out of hiding for six months to rack up an unbeatable opinion poll lead at this rate.

So, in conclusion, I've lost all faith in the two major parties being any different to each other so bring on Mark Latham and bring him on now. I don't give a rats what his policies are like, I want to vote for somebody who is completely mad. He reminds me of a lefty Jeff Kennett, and that can't be a bad thing.

Sunday, 15 June 2003

What's one step below rock bottom?

Well, Melbourne got flogged AGAIN today. Take my whinge from last monday night and change all the references about Collingwood to Adelaide and you'll see pretty much the same result.

Thankfully the Crows slowed down when the lead hit 90 with ten minutes to go or we might have been facing our first +100pt regular season loss since 1997 (a 116 point porking at the hands of Sydney at the MCG in Round 18 after we were 58 down at quarter-time. Thankfully I wasn't there).

All this and Joe 'freaking' Gutnick is threatening a comeback. What a debacle that is. Unless he can run on in two weeks time and kick 10 in a blockbusting victory over St.Kilda then he can fuck off. The club might be at a six year low on the field, but off it we're in perfectly acceptable financial health without the need for one man bankrolling us and expecting undying loyalty and praise in return.

During the third quarter, as the situation on the field deteriorated rapidly, I decided that after the enormous success and popularity of the Phil Gilbert Challenge Cup played against Freo a few weeks ago that every game from now on should be played in honor of a lesser known player from the 90's who turned out for both clubs. I've gone through my records (yes, I have records) and present the following 'stars' of the past for your consideration.

Adelaide - Nick Pesch
Brisbane - Nick Carter
Carlton - Earl Spalding
Collingwood - Steven Pitt
Essendon - Robert Hickmott (I'm really struggling here. There aren't any links for him.)
Footscray - Allen 'God' Jakovich
Fremantle - Phil Gilbert
Geelong - Trevor Spencer (Struggling again, but I refuse to pick Brent Grgic)
Hawthorn - David Flintoff
North Melbourne - Alistair Clarkson
Port Adelaide - Matthew Bishop (The only example of a player being eligible to be in his own tribute game)
Richmond - John Howat
St. Kilda - Jeff Hilton
Sydney - Kevin Dyson
West Coast - Dean Irving

It's sad. But I need something to keep me going for the rest of the season.

Saturday, 14 June 2003

Crime Dog = Pervert

A sign was posted in the window of Carl Jensen's home, telling neighborhood kids that his house was a safe haven for children.

Now, officials with the Orem Department of Public Safety acknowledge that a paperwork mishap allowed Jensen to host a McGruff Safe House — even though police had received reports alleging that Jensen had sexually abused children.

"We flat out screwed up," said Orem Police Lt. Doug Edwards. "We really dropped the ball on this one."

Before I saw the first story about this guy last year after he got arrested I thought the whole crime dog thing was made up by the Simpsons. Turns out McGruff is not only alive, but incredibly active in the youth community too.

Pop quiz

Which of these men is a clown?

If you said the three idiots posing with Ronald McDonald you'd be right.

Company executives feel so confident that on Wednesday they announced plans for its first global ad campaign. The new theme: "I'm lovin' it."

The campaign will attempt to reinvent McDonald's as a place for the young and hip — and not just for the Happy Meal set.

A burger made by spotty 15-year-olds being paid $25 a week? I'm lovin' it!

I can honestly say I must be the only person in Australia never to have worked in fast food. I filled in an application for KFC once, but on their personality test I filled in the question "Are you an angry person" honestly and said "all the time!" It had been a bad day. It's always a bad day.

Sports whinge

Now, along with cheer squads, the banner is one aspect of Australian football that I could do without. Usually the players are expected to charge through a piece of paper with a pissweak rhyme on one side and an ad for the cheer squad disco or the major sponsor on the other. Once I saw the banner turned around the wrong way and Melbourne thundered onto the MCG with the theme music playing in the background and ran right through a motivational Ultratune ad.

Tonight, though, against all odds Footscray achieved the worst banner ever. It read simply "Congratulations to our Bulldogs".

Congratulations for what? I remember one night in the early 90's where the Brisbane Bears cheer squad had so few members that the Melbourne people had to go and help them hold it up and even that had a catchily poetic "Oh shit we're going to get belted, why are we here?" message on it.

So, let's donate a new banner slogan to the dogs. Entries in the comments box!

He's Back

The question of whatever happened to my old sparring partner Voice of the G (see somewhere on the blogspot site, I can't find the link for the life of me) has been solved.

He's doing an ad for some riggy property deal going down in Melbourne. And I thought he must have been dead.

No sign of a comeback rendition of "Nothing Beats the Footy at the MCG" though, (un)fortunately.

Friday, 13 June 2003

Terrific Irony

Some kids from Milton Keynes make a model of the rancid little hockey stadium their pissy football team will play in one day (not before 2014 at this rate though) and win a trip to the Millenium Eye - an overpriced and useless project much like the Franchise themselves - for their efforts.

Milton Keynes steals football team from London and then sends kids there as a prize. Are they secretly admitting that MK is a shithole or what?

And to prove what a mad and sick place MK is the second place-getters won a trip to France. How is that a worse prize than a trip to a fairground attraction? Do they have to meet Jacques Chirac or something?

This just in

This just in,

Internet dating is a stupid idea.

And here's a sample of the a-grade material this guy was using to sucker the women in,

"What proceeded were the most intoxicating love letters," she said. "He wrote better than Yeats. He wrote better than Shakespeare. He totally intoxicated you with his feelings: 'Oh, baby, I want to tell you how much I miss you.' 'I can't wait to get home to you.'"

"I can't wait to get home to you" = Better than Shakespeare? A rather controversial claim I would have thought.

Hey, my desk just fell apart. I've spent five minutes putting it back together, so let's continue with the post shall we?
*Intermission over*

Did these people really need to be publically humiliated to understand that nobody is what they claim to be on the 'net? It's true, I'm really a 46-year-old truck driver from Maitland.

Why gambling is good...


Dear Adam,

Congratulations! You are Centrebet's State of Origin I competition winner
and have won $1,000!

And a big "hello" to the guy who's just dropped a similar amount on the pokies. Ha ha.

Work? Fun? I think not

We got shipped off for one of those "we need to spend our budget before the end of the financial year" training courses today. It was just like that training episode of The Office complete with cheesy edutainment videos and (allegedly) catchy slogans being trotted out left, right and centre. The only difference was our boss (and, for some unknown reason he was there) didn't sing, and we had to go to f'ing Footscray to do it.

For New South Wales readers substitute Cabramatta for Footscray. If you live somewhere else insert the name of a really shit suburb.

Oh, and I ate one of the infamous Footscray pork rolls (from the same place too) and true to form it's made me feel sick. I might have more to come later if past experiences are anything to go by.

Tuesday, 10 June 2003

I've Never Been There

A weekly look at countries they didn't bother teaching you about in school.

8. Grenada

Location: Caribbean, island between the Caribbean Sea and Atlantic Ocean, north of Trinidad and Tobago

Population: 89,211

Ethnic Groups: black 82%, mixed black and European 13%, European and East Indian 5% , and trace of Arawak/Carib Amerindian

Religions: Roman Catholic 53%, Anglican 13.8%, other Protestant 33.2%

Languages: English (official), French patois

Capital: Saint George's
Radio broadcast stations: AM 2, FM 13, shortwave 0
Television broadcast stations: 2
Internet Country Code: .gd
Railways: None
Highways: 1,040 km

International Disputes: None.

1649: French colony (under the Compagnie des Indies Occidentales).
1674: French crown colony
1674-1762: Part of the French Antilles colony
1762: British occupation
1763: British colony
1763-1802: Part of (British) South Caribbean Islands colony
1779-1783: French occupation.
1783: Restored to Britain.
1833-1 Jan 1960: Part of the Windward Islands
3 Jan 1958-31 May 1962: Part of the Federation of the West Indies
27 Feb 1967: Associated state
7 Feb 1974: Independence from UK
13 Mar 1979-25 Oct 1983: People's Revolutionary Government.
25 Oct 1983-6 Nov 1983: Occupied by US and East Caribbean forces.

Oh dear

The great MX (crappy free Melbourne newspaper) boycott continues, but on the way home I was looking over somebody's shoulder at the 'news in brief' column and saw a headline that surely only made it in as part of an "I bet you won't print that" competition.

Man fingered over sex attack

What were they thinking?

Monday, 9 June 2003

Enough is enough. It's time for a change

Attention. Those not interested in a lengthy sports-related whinge should look away now. Same goes for you weak people who don't like foul language

Lovely football season wasn't it? Let's run through some of the highlights...

* Fell across the line against Hawthorn. Should have lost.
* Beat the Bulldogs. The comprehensively second worst side in the comp.
* Got flogged by the useless Geelong.
* Beaten by Essendon in a game we COULD have won
* Threw away a comfortable lead against Sydney in the last quarter and played them into form.
* Choked from another winnable position against the Eagles.
* Somehow beat Port Adelaide. A mystery to me too.
* Once more snatched defeat from the jaws of victory against Richmond. Should have won despite having absolutely no backline to speak of.
* Might have gotten over Fremantle if a modicum of talent or heart was shown.
* Porked by Brisbane. Nothing to surprise there. Probably should have lost by more to be honest.

And now this. Pumped by a startlingly ordinary, and Buckley-less Collingwood. Woo-fucking-hoo indeed. If Tarrant wasn't overrated, and Fraser/Davis the most useless combination not to wear Red and Blue we would have been done by 200.

Yes, Daniher must go. After finally relenting under pressure from all twelve Melbourne fans and actually picking Chris Lamb he played him in the frigging forward line for half the game. Then, when finally somebody must have tapped him on the shoulder and explained that Tarrant was murdering Bizzell up front he put Lamb down there, and despite getting precious little support from anybody (though Nicholson tried) actually turned out a small victory. Our season is dead and buried, even he admitted we're at rock bottom, yet when somebody asked if he'd be swinging the axe and playing the kids next week the answer was effectively "No". He wants to "see what this group are made of" next week. Bull-freaking-shit. They're not made of much. Poyas kicked six for Sandringham yesterday and both Broadbridge and Molan are out for a loooooong time (Molan possibly until the end of 2004 - there's a top ten draft pick out the window). Long term injury list anyone? We want our "(Nobody's) Better than Ezra" headlines and we want them NOW NOW NOW.

This coaching performance reminds me of one of those Z-Grade midday movies that they always play on Channel 7. Meek and mild family men hits his head in the garage and voila he's an axe wielding psychopath who just chopped up the babysitter and made sweet love to next doors Jeep Cherokee or Meek and mild coach of fairly successful football team hits head (possibly whilst devising ways to shaft Chris Lamb) and suddenly becomes a complete dud making important tactical decisions with the aid of a dartboard. Alistair Nicholson to full-forward? But he can't kick Neale! Oh, let's just have a bash anyway. What do you mean our defence is suddenly shit?

I rubbished his performance after the Geelong game but how about another look at Nathan Carroll? Not to mention Nick Smith, who did nothing wrong against the Bulldogs but hasn't had a look in since. Anyone else? Who cares, pick them all. Bring back the mid-season draft so we can pick up somebody who might actually have a crack for the rest of the year.

I heard some monkey on MMM say no Melbourne fans were irate in the car on the way home. Hey, you Creed listening bogans - give me a ring and we'll discuss the situation frankly and honestly. It may possibly breach several broadcasting obscenity regulations, but it's a small price to pay.

While we're at it, don't talk to me about that whinging prick Woewodin. A frankly ordinary performance that'll be pumped up into the greatest in the history of AFL/VFL football in the week where everybody's looking for a hero. Jason McCartney = wonderful comeback from the face of death. Woewodin = Average player, average performance, fat paycheck.

Yes, I've turned. And by christ it's lucky we're playing in Adelaide next week because I'd almost be embarassed to go and waste another day watching the same shit we've had shoved down our throats this year.

Oh, and if I see the words "Lamb" and OUT in the same sentence on Friday morning Joe Gutnick is not going to be the only Melbourne FC identity past or present to be recieving death threats.

UPDATE - Just like to point out that during our shockingly disappointing 1999 and 2001 seasons I was 100% supportive of the coaching staff. I need a good reason to go sick, and by christ I've got one. Get used to this, you'll be seeing a variety of it every week until the end of the regular season.

Talkback hosts are morons. Shock! Horror!

FromHBD comes this tale of outrage and disgust from two of Sydney's most prominent equal rights advocates *cough*

Two gay Sydney males, who hug each other and appear to sleep in the same bed, were beaming into our living rooms via a new reality program, The Block, at the baked-beans-on-toast timeslot of 6.30pm Sunday.
That's as prime time as television gets and all this, reproved 2UE broadcasters Steve Price and John Laws, was courtesy of the trusted Nine Network.
Further, argued Price, the former Melbourne broadcaster, it was presented by kid-friendly Jamie Durie.
"I just have a query about why Channel Nine needed to include a gay couple in the mix," said Price, just after 8am last Monday. "Two blokes. Nice enough guys, I guess... [but] I can tell you that The Block will attract a lot of kids, a lot of viewers under the age of 10.
"Do I really need that conversation late on a Sunday at the end of a great weekend of relaxation? Do we really need to know these blokes like to renovate in their undies?" [...]
Last week, Price said to Laws: "Once Kerry Packer gets hold of this there's going to be trouble."
Laws: "I don't know what's happened to Kerry's taste. He probably doesn't know that's on at 6.30."

SWEET JESUS NO! They sleep in the same bed? Well, I can feel society's moral code crumbling all around us. Let's all go out and beat up a priest and burn a church down now shall we? It's called real life you bogans.

Of course Price probably needs to generate some controversy to justify his absolutely shithouse ratings. I stopped listening to talkback radio when that idiot Stan Zemanek appeared in Melbourne, and I've just realised why I never went back to listening to it when he got the sack.

You know who'd go really well on talkback radio? Me! Alert your local struggling radio station. I'll work cheap.

Sunday, 8 June 2003

Ranking Some Stuff

Australian Football is about the only sport where theme songs are an important part of the pre and post-match ritual. Sure, other sports have tried to horn in on the craze (I'm thinking of the frankly awful songs played by the Melbourne Storm and Canberra Raiders of the NRL, amongst others) but nobody quite got it right. Witness, for instance, the frankly awful "Superbowl Shuffle" as performed by the 1985 Chicago Bears.

So, in the spirit of controversy I hereby present the Premier League of AFL Club songs. I leave out Melbourne's fine effort because I'm naturally biased against it.

1 - Richmond

Almost universally recognised as the best in the business, and rightly so. It's even got that "Yellow and Black!" bit that even the people who are too lazy to sing the song will do. Beat that everybody.

2 - Geelong

Failed a bit when they needlessly added a second verse around 1998. Then they got rid of that and rightfully regained their finals spot - at least in this competition. Awful team (Brent Grgic anyone?), but a great tune.

3 - Collingwood

I met this tool once who claimed to be a Pies fan but said he hates the song. But, I said "Who else would get away with saying "Cor Blimey!" randomly in the middle of their tune?" He didn't agree so I never spoke to him again. It was a bit presumptuous to be singing "Oh, the Premierships a cakewalk" when they won their first game in Round 10 a few years back but now that they're good again it's ok. I'll be listening to this played at least twice tomorrow afternoon, so it's best to be on acceptable terms with it.

4 - Fremantle

Hated by 99.9% of people outside of Western Australia. I like it though, it's funky. The only example of a club song not stolen from another song and not sung by old men to be any good.

Little know trivia corner - If Melbourne and Hawthorn had merged at the end of 1996 I was going to half-heartedly support the Dockers.

5 - Adelaide

Was pretty rank in their first few years when they mentioned their sponsors name like 25 times every time they sung it, but it's good now. Being ripped off from a military song and all it makes me want to go out and invade a small Middle Eastern country every time I hear it.

6 - Brisbane

For something ripped off from the French it's surprisingly good. Much better than the absolutely shithouse old Brisbane Bears theme (some trash sung to the tune of "Glory Glory Hallelujah"). Just after the merger when they were crap we used to joke that the song and the mascot were the only half decent thing they'd got from Fitzroy. Then they started dominating the competition and we shut the hell up.

7 - Hawthorn

I've always been a bit suss about the line "Teamwork is the thing that talks", but apart from that it's quite good. I'd willingly sing along to this were I capable of supporting a team that plays in brown.

8 - North Melbourne

Would have ranked top 5 before the idiots on their board decided to replace every mention of North Melbourne with "The Kangas" in the song. It only ranks this high because the players steadfastly refuse to do the new wankfest version and sing the original in the rooms instead. And rightly so too.

9 - Essendon

It's not really that bad, it just doesn't compare with those ranked above it. Might have finished just outside the top 8, but was never in contention for the finals.

10 - Carlton

Well it's something different. Doesn't mean it's any good though. The trombone bit at the start always reminds me of the music you hear in a 1930's film when they show a fat guy walking down the road.

11 - Sydney

It's all about "Shaking thunder from the sky" and bollox like that. Much like the Swan itself it's hardly a fearsome tune. And when they play in Melbourne you get some bizarre "Up There Cazaly" ripoff instead. What's up with that?

12 - St. Kilda

They could have disguised the shameless rip-off from "When the Saints Go Marching In" a little bit better. But they didn't. The good news is that by finishing 12th on this ladder that automatically makes them better in the theme song stakes than they have been on the football field for years.

13 - Western Bulldogs

Pretty shite. When they were Footscray this was half decent. Not anymore.

14 - West Coast

They're the Eagles. The West Coast Eagles. They're big birds or something and this song is farking awful. Luckily for them there's always somebody worse off......

15 - Port Adelaide

Nooooo! There are just so many things wrong with this it's not funny. Let's take a quick look at the lyrics shall we?

We've got the Power to win
Power to rule
Come on, Port Adelaide aggression
We are the Power from Port
It's more than a sport
It's the true Port Adelaide tradition

We'll never stop, stop, stop
Till we're top, top, top
There's history here in the making
We've got the Power to win
We'll never give in
Till the flag is ours for the taking

That'll do. There's a lot more but it's all vomitous. Stop, stop, stop? Drop, drop, drop? Who came up with this shit? Sadly no amount of writing can do justice to it, you've got to hear the rubbish to have any understanding of how bad it is.

Great Moments in Politics

Kennett and Peacock vs Howard. On a phone.
March 23rd, 1987

Can you imagine Crazy Omar Bracks ever having such an entertaining mobile phone conversation? I think not.

The moment that proved the genius of the Kennett government came in 1998 when some lefty comedians announced they were going to make a techno song that sampled this famous conversation - presumably in an effort to discredit the great man. His response? A statement from his office saying that "We always support the arts in Victoria and I'd be very honored to recieve the first copy". Legend.

JK: He got on the phone and said are you happy with the result, and I said "No I'm not", and he said "Why?" and I said "Without your front pages and total (inaudible) I'd have had ten percent swing. I would have got myself another four and you've fucked it up for me and he went off his brain.
AP: Oh did he?
JK: And he went off his brain trying to (inaudible)
AP: He went off his brain?
JK: And I said...
AP: And HE went off his brain?
JK: He said to me "I didn't like the way you kept me out of the campaign". I said "Wouldn't have you in it, and I didn't have any federal people in it."
AP: Well you didn't have me. Didn't have anyone.
JK: And I said to him "Tomorrow, I'm going to bucket the whole lot of you"
AP: No! Don't do that Jeffrey.
JK: Well. I said "Tomorrow John" and he said "I know where your sympathies lie" and I said "I don't give a fuck. I have no sympathies any more. You're all a pack of shits and tomorrow I'm going bezerk". Well he went off his brain and in the end I said to him, I said "Howard. You're a cunt. You haven't got my support, you never will have and I'm not going to rubbish you or the party tomorrow but I feel a lot better having told you you're a cunt"
AP: Oh shit!
JK: And the poor little fellow didn't know whether he was Arthur or Martha
AP: Oh shit!
JK: (laughing) I just thought I should let you know.
AP: Well, tomorrow you are humbled. You do feel better. And I am getting out of that car. I've told you. I told Margaret, I said "Tomorrow I'm just gonna get out of that fuckin' car and say this is not Howards day, it's not my day, it's not Carla's day, it's not anyones day, not Richie's day. This is a day for Jeffrey Kennett" And I was thinking that I'd go in even earlier, and even if only a third of the bastards were there I was gonna go and grab the mic and say this is unprecedented. This in the midst of the most horrific difficulties and I faced 'em when I was the leader in by-elections, we haven't had 'em for some years. We had a great win yesterday, and the only person who is deserving. Not just earnt it, but deserving of support is Jeffrey Kennett and if you don't give him everything then you're letting down the Liberals.
JK: Well, all I can say. I thought I should let you know where I ended up with your little mate...
AP: Well, fuck him. I'm not worried. I just.. I almost bloody cried. I was terribly worried. I was terribly worried. My fuckin' anger yesterday as Margaret knows. First thing I came in last night I said "Oh, fuckin' cunt! I said the whole fuckin' thing could upset tomorrow" I was really... And she was saying "What's Jeffrey done?" and I was saying "It's not what Jeffrey's done. It's what everyone's fucking done to Jeffrey"
JK: Well. I think we came out of it alright and certainly...
AP: Alright? The news reports. Have you seen what they're saying on the television?
JK: No
AP: They're saying "Labor down 7%" Cain is claiming on a two party preferred vote - and don't you let that cunt get away with that - it's only 2%. They're saying the Joh campaign has stopped in it's tracks. In one part of the three state electorates it's something like 2 to 3% down on the last vote and the Liberal Party will walk in.
JK: Well. We won on primaries in every lower house seat. And even in the National Party seats. So it's a fantastic...
AP: Well, exactly. That's what I interpreted from it. Mate I didn't have the details, I was just going to talk to you. And don't you (inaudible) me. This is Jeff Kennett's day.
JK: Well. It's been a good result. But anyway. Howard won't know whether he's Arthur or Martha.
AP: I know. But you feel better?
JK: Oh yes
AP: Be humble. Everyone's gonna say "You are the greatest leader" since sliced bread mate.
JK: It's a good all-rounder
AP: Where are you?
JK: I'm on the way home. I'm going home and having a reasonably early night and I will see you tomorrow.
AP: I've got to sit in the chair about four or five rows back from the front. And I'll allow Howard, after he's had his tumultous reception to come down and sit next to me and be photographed together smiling
JK: Oh, how pathetic
AP: I would do that
JK: How pathetic
AP: Yeah but I'm doing it on the basis of when I get out, and when I talk because they'll be chasing me because of the federal issues I'm just gonna talk Kennett. I knew it was gonna happen, and it should have been fuckin' better but it would have been better despite those difficulties
JK: Well there's two points. One is the federal difficulties. The other point is the way Cain bloody tried to decieve the electorate on this bloody price control
AP: That's right
JK: And the good thing about it....
AP: Be humble mate
JK: Oh, I know.
AP: They're behind you. So you don't have to...
JK: The thing is we didn't (inaudible) like Cain and the National Party did to try and win political support. We might have lost some votes on that price control thing but we've stuck very firmly to our philosophies. That's an important part of this whole win I think.
AP: Well make those points. But just tell them, there are hundreds of thousands of people in this state who are going to support you. You're all right. And that's it. Just be humble.
JK: I will see you tomorrow
AP: I look forward to it. And I am just so thrilled.
JK: Alright mate
AP: See you then
JK: Give my regards to your good lady.
AP: Ok. Ta. Bye
JK: Bye.

Saturday, 7 June 2003

I've Never Been There

A weekly look at countries they didn't bother teaching you about in school. There are only ten of these, so I've gotta come up with a new weekly feature. Any ideas?

7. Mauritania

Independent from France in 1960, Mauritania annexed the southern third of the former Spanish Sahara (now Western Sahara) in 1976, but relinquished it after three years of raids by the Polisario guerrilla front seeking independence for the territory. Opposition parties were legalized and a new constitution approved in 1991. Two multiparty presidential elections since then were widely seen as flawed, but October 2001 legislative and municipal elections were generally free and open. Mauritania remains, in reality, a one-party state. The country continues to experience ethnic tensions between its black minority population and the dominant Maur (Arab-Berber) populace.

Location: Northern Africa, bordering the North Atlantic Ocean, between Senegal and Western Sahara

Population: 2,828,858

Ethnic Groups: mixed Maur/black 40%, Maur 30%, black 30%

Religions: Muslim 100%

Languages: Hassaniya Arabic (official), Pulaar, Soninke, Wolof (official), French

Capital: Nouakchott
Radio broadcast stations: AM 1, FM 14, shortwave 1
Television broadcast stations: 1
Internet Country Code: .mr
Railways: 704 km
Highways: 7,720 km

International Disputes: None

12 May 1903: French protectorate of Mauritania.
18 Oct 1904: French civil territory
12 Jan 1920: French colony
16 Jun 1940-Nov 1942: Administration loyal to Vichy France (from Nov 1942, Free French).
27 Oct 1946: Mauritania overseas territory of France.
28 Nov 1958: Autonomy (Islamic Republic of Mauritania).
28 Nov 1960: Independence from France.
26 Feb 1976-11 Aug 1979: Annexes southwestern part of Western Sahara.

Let's get ready to rumble

So, the federal ALP leadership smackdown is on. Crean says he's got the numbers, Beazley says he'll romp it in and John Howard is sitting in his office going "How good is this? I'll be PM until I'm 100!"

Thursday, 5 June 2003

Scandal - the bloggers best friend

This is bizarre. But it's still not as bad as that dud from Darwin who carried on the charade of having been a champion Olympic swimmer until somebody looked it up and found out he'd never even been near the Games.

A CHANNEL Nine newsreader has quit after being accused of asking a female fan to complain about a fellow presenter.

Brisbane weekend newsreader Mike London ended a 17-year career with the station effective immediately, saying his resignation was in the best interests of his family, friends and Channel Nine Queensland, given the allegations against him.
Brisbane's Courier Mail newspaper has run a series of articles alleging a feud between Mr London and weekday reader Bruce Paige.

Mr Paige replaced Mr London as Nine's weeknight anchor in Brisbane eight years ago.

The Courier Mail newspaper said Brisbane schoolteacher Karen Rolff alleged Mr London had asked her in an e-mail to make a complaint to the station that Mr Paige needed a "personality bypass".

In another email, he allegedly said that watching Mr Paige "would be the ultimate torture".

Mr London admitted he had sent e-mails to Ms Rolff, but said the messages had been reworked with his address on them.

Mr Paige read news of Mr London's departure in Nine's bulletin tonight.

That last line is my favourite bit, can any Brisbane readers tell us if he delivered the news with a massive smile on his face?


I love when you buy Sudafed and the chemists give you the "So, you haven't bought this product anywhere else in the last week" speech just in case you're crafting an amateur amphetamines lab in the backyard and need all the pseudoephedrine you can get your hands on.

Until a couple of years ago I thought this was a totally pointless exercise. Then I read about a couple of hillbillies from rural Victoria who actually tried it. They went around to every chemist in town and bought as much Sudafed as they could and when the cops showed up at their door they were trying to figure out a way to convert it all into drugs. Several stereotypes were created right there and then.

Wednesday, 4 June 2003

Strange People

A win for Danish "Truth in Advertising" laws...

A Lutheran priest was suspended Tuesday after saying that God does not exist and that there is no eternal life.

Thorkild Grosboel, the pastor of Taarbaek, a town of 51,000 just north of Copenhagen, said in a recent interview that "there is no heavenly God, there is no eternal life, there is no resurrection."

The claims have mystified church leaders in the Scandinavian country of 5.3 million, where about 85 per cent of the population belongs to the state Evangelical Lutheran Church, yet only 5 per cent attend church services regularly.

Then, in today's good news story, we all laugh at this loser...

A man dropped abortion-related leaflets from a Paralite Sky Cruiser he flew over the La Serna High School campus Thursday until he accidentally stuck his hand into the aircraft's propeller blades, severing two fingers before he crashed, according to Whittier police.

The pilot, identified as Michael Grumbine, age unknown, tumbled out of the sky and struck a tree and a fence on the campus, according to police, who said they believed the man was a parent of former La Serna students.

Officers were unsure whether the man was flying so low because he was having problems, but then the bright yellow, pennant-shaped leaflets started fluttering down. The leaflets made reference to anti-abortion protesters with graphic displays in front of the school, police said.

The leaflet partially read, "You are in the Matrix. Truth is evil. Abortion is good. There are people in front of school with signs and pictures right now that you must not look at. They will show you things you must not see. You must not talk to them.'

RIP Yuppie Supermarket

Surprise, surprise. The David Jones owned Foodchain supermarkets have folded.

Now, I don't know who's idea it was to open a yuppie supermarket where everything cost twice as much as Safeway in the first place. Nor do I know which genius decided they wouldn't even give it a catchy name ("What should we call our new food chain?" "Ummmm... Foodchain?" "GENIUS! You're promoted.") but I knew, from the time that one opened in Hawthorn that it was going to be a failure. You don't open a restaurant that serves food three times more expensive than the place over the road and call it "Food Eating Place. And you're giving your corporate branding a lot of credit to expect that people will pay outrageous prices just because it's somehow got the David Jones name attached to it.

They lost $98 million during this fiasco. According to the article,

The four remaining Foodchain stores will now be sold to the Freedom Group and rebranded Bayswiss.

It's not exactly an exciting name (and god help them if they ever open a store in Bayswater) but at least it's a name which is more than you could ever say for poor old Foodchain.

Oh, you're still here?

The Greens. Remember them? They did awfully well for themselves in the Victorian state election thanks to the startlingly pissweak quality of major party candidates in most seats (with one notable exception), said something about the war being bad, did not quite so well in the New South Wales election and then plummetted off the face of the map.

Now they're back, and with an intimate knowledge of the Liberal party too...

PRIME Minister John Howard was two-timing Treasurer Peter Costello by grooming more conservative candidates for the leadership, the Australian Greens said today.

Notorious nutbag Bob Brown said this,

"One of the reasons Mr Howard wanted to wait a little longer was to give Tony Abbott more time to firm up and Mr Costello's more enlightened point of view a little more time to wane.

"John Howard wanted a little more time to rejig the succession.

"I think Peter Costello has got a more humane view of the world, from what I've seen, a more modern view, a more ear-to-the-ground view than John Howard," he said.

"The post-Howard period is with us, the dawn has long since commenced, but John Howard can't see that."

"I think John Howard is a great leader for the 1950s."

The Greens as secret admirers of Pistol Pete? I never thought I'd see it happen. Do you think that by the time Costello actually does get the PM gig Bob will remember he said this? Or, like his "the allies didn't do enough! Kill Saddam!" rant from after the first Gulf War, will it be conveniently forgotten?

Tuesday, 3 June 2003

Channel 10 Cock-Up file

Tonight they reported that England will be playing a soccer friendly against "Serbia and Montego". Would that be the band Disco Montego who did that "Beautiful" song a few months ago? Sounds like a strange opponent for an international football match to me.

Political suicide required. Apply within

The big news from today is that Howard is going to stay on as PM indefinately. Now, I've got no great desire to see Costello in the top job (in fact I think he's a bit of a tool to be honest) but this surely can't be the smartest decision to make. Granted the federal ALP are a rabble, and even the Victorian Liberals could probably beat them in an election, but what happens when they chuck Crean and get somebody half decent as a leader (somebody other than Beazley)?

I think this decision may come back to haunt him. Especially if he ruins whatever legacy he's built up by going to an election next year and losing.

I've never been there

A weekly look at countries they didn't bother teaching you about in school. Information for this series comes from World Statesmen and the CIA World Factbook - but they can't even assassinate leaders of sovereign nations without everyone finding out about it so what would they know?

6. Togo

French Togoland became Togo in 1960. General Gnassingbe Eyadema, installed as military ruler in 1967, is Africa's longest-serving head of state. Despite the facade of multiparty elections instituted in the early 1990s, the government continues to be dominated by President Eyadema, whose Rally of the Togolese People (RPT) party has maintained power almost continually since 1967. In addition, Togo has come under fire from international organizations for human rights abuses and is plagued by political unrest. Most bilateral and multilateral aid to Togo remains frozen.

Location: Western Africa, bordering the Bight of Benin, between Benin and Ghana

Population: 5,285,501

Ethnic Groups: native African (37 tribes; largest and most important are Ewe, Mina, and Kabre) 99%, European and Syrian-Lebanese less than 1%

Religions: indigenous beliefs 51%, Christian 29%, Muslim 20%

Languages: French (official and the language of commerce), Ewe and Mina (the two major African languages in the south), Kabye (sometimes spelled Kabiye) and Dagomba (the two major African languages in the north)

Capital: Lome
Radio broadcast stations: AM 2, FM 9, shortwave 4
Television broadcast stations: 3 (plus two repeaters)
Internet Country Code: .tg
Railways: 525 km
Highways: 7,520 km

International Disputes: Benin accuses Togo of moving boundary markers and stationing troops in its territory

5 Jul 1884: Togoland a German protectorate
1 Jan 1905: German colony of Togoland.
26 Aug 1914: British and French occupation
31 Aug 1914: German administration surrenders.
27 Dec 1916: Partioned into French and British zones.
20 Jul 1922: League of Nations mandates, British and French Togolands.
16 Jun 1940-Nov 1942: French Togo administration loyal to Vichy France (from Nov 1942, under Free French).
13 Dec 1946: United Nations trust territories, French Togo Associated Territory and British Togoland.
24 Jun 1956: Autonomy
13 Dec 1956: British Togoland part of Ghana.
27 Apr 1960: Independence from France (Togo Republic).

Around The Grounds

Time for our first MT-enabled edition of everyone's favourite gameshow - where we highlight what people with far more interesting to say than me are talking about.

After Grog Blog
Public Transport Standover Merchant - "Excuse me sir? May I see your ticket please?"

Angela Bell
All things to all men (and women, and others)

I still don't know whether this is a good thing, or a bad thing, but one thing is for sure, it's a thing.

Bitchin' Monaro
The void left by Waltons was filled by a number of cheap and nasty retailers, who over the years, seem to have gotten cheaper and nastier, and now offer an insight into what the service must of been like in Soviet era Russian stores.

Rob Corr
So it wasn't just a throwaway line. Uechtritz is a lying bastard.

Disgusted Liberal is sort of dead.

So, in a manner of speaking, is Duncan Richer

Kate at Funny Face, I Love You is, however, very much alive and she says this;
And where did my shit kicker, middle class government school fall???? Well, quite far down the bottom, with only 39% of students from the 2002 class enrolling in university. But at least Greensy Secco was below us!!!

Gareth Parker
Well, that all went rather well. Four short bulletins all delivered without any significant stumbles. Bonus! Looks like I'll be on the same shift Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday next week.

Good News Fresh
One of the amusing things about having a working phone
SMS correspondence in the early hours of this morning

Hot Buttered Death
I still think sometimes Messrs Parker and Stone should've quit making South Park after they made the film version and gone out on a high-the first batch of episodes that appeared after the film were pretty poor

Michael Jennings
I am off to have lunch with Perry and Gabriel, and I have a half written piece on being an introvert, and on author Neal Stephenson, which I shall finish and post this evening.

Mortigi Tempo
WHENEVER I go for a wonder through certain shady parts of the blogosphere, there seems to be another link to a site dedicated to the thankless task of exposing the awful Truth on Michael Moore.

Spin Starts Here
Usually the music director would die before letting the listeners have input into the programming.

Stews Blog
555 - STUFF UP (I hope to be seeing some "Thank christ we finally won" Perth Glory fan action on there soon though)

The Eye of the Beholder is still in Brazilian hippy mode.

Yobbo's View
If there are any l33t code warriors out there who can work out why this page doesn't render properly in Netscape, I'd much appreciate the heads up. 3% of my readers are counting on it!

Italian police say they've been unable to read PGP-encrypted files stored on Psion PLCs by members of the Red Brigade.


Eye of the Beholder has been hacked again. In case it's fixed before you get to have a look the cryptic message left there is as follows -

TechTeaM Just For Just! Libert Egalit Fraternit !! Governament of USA NAZISTz! ProtesT! ProtesT! !PROTEST! Peace In The World!! sumar? issie jesus!! PEACE IN THE WORLD!! PEACE IN THE WORLD!!PEACE IN THE WORLD!! BraZil RULeZ Contact us

Brazilian hippies hacking for peace. What has the world come to?

Excuse Me?

THE Sydney Swans have applied to the AFL for urgent financial assistance of up to $2 million in what chairman Richard Colless yesterday described as a "genuinely life-threatening" situation.

In a move that is sure to anger Melbourne-based clubs, the Swans have told the AFL they need an immediate one-off injection of cash, otherwise they cannot trade past October.

So, despite having the AFL's hand up their ass for the last ten years and actually attracting some decent crowds for the first time ever they're on the verge of folding? Well, I suppose they're not really going to fold because the AFL will give them whatever they want whenever they want for as long as they want - but I think you know what I mean.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Melbourne might have no fans left and our on-field performance might be shithouse but at least we're not lining up for AFL handouts like the rest of the 'unfashionable' teams.

And what kind of fearsome animal is a Swan? Even Brisbane realised that nobody was scared of the jolly little koala on their logo when they were the Bears and annexed Fitzroy to get a decent mascot.

Sunday, 1 June 2003

Eurovision Madness Continues

Tatu to earn another shot at Eurovision immortality?

No word on their pissweak challenge to the official result yet, but they might just qualify to enter
this competition.

The UK is to get another shot at the Eurovision Song Contest with a junior version of the competition.
Junior Eurovision will be held in Denmark and will be screened in the UK live on ITV1.

Junior Eurovision. What a, pardon my French, fucking stupid idea that is. Almost as bad as when that tosser from FIFA declared that the soccer World Cup should be held every two years just so they can make a bit more money.

Count Chivas Day 2003

Count Chivas, Australia's greatest ever racehorse* died on this day two years ago. On this anniversary we pay tribute to the horse who's legacy will never be forgotten.

(* Sez us)

The Count (from Lord Ballina and Inquest) was originally trained in New Zealand by Don Sellwood. He wasn't raced as a 2YO, instead being saved for a 3YO campaign.

He had nine starts in his home country for three wins before a first visit to these shores. He won two of three starts during this tour of duty, the most important of those being the Group One South Australian Derby.

Though bred to be a sprinter the Count surprised everyone involved by developing as a stayer. It was this that convinced connections to set him for a cups campaign in late 1995. In the Caulfield Cup he ran a neck second to the great Doreimus but failed on the wet Flemington track and ran 11th at 12-1 in the Melbourne Cup. He backed up two weeks later to win the slightly less prestigious Sandown Cup and was then spelled.

At this point the great Lee Freedman took over as trainer. In one of his first starts for the Freedman stable he almost beat Octagonal whilst running with 5kg more. Two weeks later the Count ran his most famous victory, the 3200m Sydney Cup.

He ran second to the rampant Saintly at the 1996 Melbourne Cup. At 33-1 and carrying 2.5kg more than the winner it was a gallant placing.

1997's "Great Race" was far from a triumph for the Count. Ridden by Danny Brereton and starting at 50-1 he ran last, and almost took out idiotic protestor Peter Hoare who strayed onto the course in the Flemington straight.

His fourth, and last, Melbourne Cup tilt was a brave 20th in 1998 carrying one of the top weights at 150-1. A great deal of the money invested on him came from my friends and I, and even though the old stager didn't get up we still got our money's worth seeing him run one more time.

Sadly the Count was gelded, which ruined the dream of little Count's running around in Melbourne Cups of the future.

On June 1st, 2001 during a spell at home in New Zealand he returned from morning trackwork and was stricken with a twisted bowel. The Count was immediately put down. It had been said that he was being set for one more campaign but unfortunately fate intervened. At the time of his death he'd won almost $2,000,000 in prizemoney.

The Count was a legend that will always live in our hearts. We once named a bowling team after him. What other horses could boast that?


Apparently supafly skank Avril "freaking" Lavigne is in Melbourne. Secret Al Qaeda snipers where are you?

3/6 Update: According to an email I just got from Channel V (who obvious can't tell that I haven't watched their station in a year) she's playing a show on Monday at Fox Studios. Please Osama, if you're reading this in a cave somewhere you know what to do.