YouTube. Top 10. No fat children, no shithouse beached whales.
Sadly the early 80's ad where some lounge singer advised you to "win a motza on the Footy Tab", in one of the great jingles has been removed as is no longer eligible.
10.
Fat man falls off chair. Killer.
9.
Tony White Nissan and his giant pencil. Never gets old.
8.
Tony Martin + Rex Hunt = Australia's #1 comedy goldmine.
7.
Pam Shriver startles self with ridiculous overacting in cheese ad. Is still kinda cute in an early 80's poodle perm way. Would later marry an obscure Bond.
6.
T-Shirt ad goes awry in comedy parody.
5.
Melbourne's worst theme park forsees Vermont South tram twenty years in advance in corny ad.
4.
A throwback to the days when a paper bag with a slide whistle could entice you into a supermarket. Hullo?
3.
Drunken football captain destroys country and western classic into the biggest microphone since Q&A.
2.
Peter Russell in "Fry the c*nt til it's black you prick" shock horror.
1.
Warwick Capper in "best song ever" result.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
This service has been cancelled
To be entirely honest it appears that after 5 1/2 years TSP is pretty much dead.
One off comeback specials a'la Wayne Newton aren't out of the question but really.. this is kind of it.
Ho ho ho, that's white man's electricity you're using.
One off comeback specials a'la Wayne Newton aren't out of the question but really.. this is kind of it.
Ho ho ho, that's white man's electricity you're using.
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Hysteria Central
I'm continually irritated by these bollocks TAC road safety ads that the taxpayer are funding.
The latest one tells us that 20% of fatalities on Victorian roads have "some trace of drugs" in their system. Well that's wonderful. But what does that actually mean? 0.5 is the arbitrarily declared line where you cross from safe driver to dangerous pisshead, but what level is it that you're a deadly menace on drugs? Obviously somebody who has hoovered up 10 lines of gear is not somebody you're going to want to share the road with - but what about when it's in their system the next day. Are they still supposed to be seconds from disaster?
I've never had to do the maths to beat a drug test - and I've had a few - but everyone knows that this stuff stays in your system for days. How many of those 20% had used drugs on the same day that they had their accident - and how do they know? It's a sensible message wrapped up in the typical hysterical bullshit.
And what the hell is up with the ad where it goes on for a minute about people "smoking joints" but doesn't even bother to consider the fact that most people who are going to smoke and drive and probably ripping bucket bongs not smoking enormous Cheech and Chong style reefers.
Shithouse. I notice nobody had any great interest in stopping the guy who drove past me at about 120kmh on the freeway today.
The latest one tells us that 20% of fatalities on Victorian roads have "some trace of drugs" in their system. Well that's wonderful. But what does that actually mean? 0.5 is the arbitrarily declared line where you cross from safe driver to dangerous pisshead, but what level is it that you're a deadly menace on drugs? Obviously somebody who has hoovered up 10 lines of gear is not somebody you're going to want to share the road with - but what about when it's in their system the next day. Are they still supposed to be seconds from disaster?
I've never had to do the maths to beat a drug test - and I've had a few - but everyone knows that this stuff stays in your system for days. How many of those 20% had used drugs on the same day that they had their accident - and how do they know? It's a sensible message wrapped up in the typical hysterical bullshit.
And what the hell is up with the ad where it goes on for a minute about people "smoking joints" but doesn't even bother to consider the fact that most people who are going to smoke and drive and probably ripping bucket bongs not smoking enormous Cheech and Chong style reefers.
Shithouse. I notice nobody had any great interest in stopping the guy who drove past me at about 120kmh on the freeway today.
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Sunday, 21 June 2009
The Royal Shaft
Ever since the Collingwood fiasco all we've heard from the club has been about going hard and being competitive. Lovely, rosy stuff. Thanks to the split round two weeks of it. And so with the debut of another exciting youngster on the cards a great number of our fans went out to a stadium that is harder to get into at an Essendon game than Fort Knox and were served up something which was 9/10th's slop.
The subplots were there in droves as well. That is if you didn't just give up and go home at the prospect of having to stand in a queue for 20 minutes to get a 'seat' that you weren't going to use any way rather than just walking through the gate with your membership like any normal match. Watts 2.0, the debut of the Jurrahcane, Sylvia's continuing form, the emerging players in Jetta, Bennell, Cheney and Martin and crunch games for the likes of Miller and Robertson.
And after all that build-up we got smashed from the first bounce. Not only were we not getting anything on the scoreboard, but we were getting even less from the umpires. It took us until 25 minutes into the first quarter to get a free kick, by which time Essendon had kicked two from frees and another from a 50. I'm not one for conspiracy theories, or the idea that the free-kick count should magically align or it's a rort but for god's sake do they need to pay absolutely everything? Ok if a guy is on the ground and you do the Bam Bam Bigelow "Greetings From Asbury Park" onto his head then fair enough give a free, but am I the only one sick to death of players laying a decent tackle only to put a slight bit of pressure on the back and get pinged for a push? It's a farce.
Frawley was monstered by Lloyd early on and it looked as if we were going to see similar, or worse, to his 8 goals and a mark of the year performance in the MCG fixture last year. At least this time we weren't wearing that vomitous silver number as the clash jersey. The white one isn't that much better, and it does have that hideous bi-curious pirate logo, but anything beats the silver. And to think you actually see people going around in that to this day. Unbelievable. What was wrong with the old red alternative jumper we used to wear? Was much better.
The second quarter was one for first goals all round. Jack Grimes started it, Jurrah followed it up with a corker of a goal off the ground that sent our fans off their collective nut and then Watts bobbed up for his first just when I was starting to worry that he was going to get completely put out of the game.
More on Jurrah later, but Watts was interesting tonight. Once he gets it he's not bad, and he's obviously a great kick for goal but good god he's slight. Naturally greater bulk will come but for the moment it's like playing Cale 'Supermodel Diet' Morton as a key-forward. He's just getting swatted off the ball with the greatest of ease. Shows some wonderful signs but physically not up to it yet. Doesn't mean he shouldn't play the majority of the next ten games, but R1 next year with a full pre-season and half a year's experience in him is when we'll really start to see results.
Speaking of Morton, what the hell are we doing with him? A number four draft pick in his second year has got to be worth more than being used as a cheap kick collector Bowden-esque loose man in defence? We're not exactly playing to make the 8 here - can we throw him into a proper midfield position for the rest of the year and really test him out?
Now, the third quarter. I'm not turning on Bailey - it's far too early for that - but I am pivoting a bit and asking, rather stridently, WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN THAT QUARTER? We copped a couple at the end of the second after dragging ourselves back into it, but much like the last two games we came back from half time and were absolutely blown out of the water. Fair enough if it comes from being beaten by a better side, understandable even if you get the thing and stuff it up continually but when you just roll over and die like we did then you've got a lot to answer for.
I'm not claiming to be an expert in football, far from it, but what exactly does anyone expect to achieve by having 16 players inside the opposition's defensive 50, another two standing just outside and absolutely nobody forward of the halfway line? They kept kicking points and we kept not being able to get it forward because there was NO FARKING BODY THERE TO KICK IT TO. Jesus H Christ at least have one or two people down there. On a couple of occasions we finally got the ball out of the defensive 50 and had to bomb it forward to nobody because there wasn't a target. Shock horror when we went back to a 'traditional' set-up we started to look a lot more dangerous.
In the press conference Bailey tried to play it down like they were there to attempt to extract the ball, but I'd suggest that if you need 18 people get one football out then you need to find 18 new people. How many footballers does it take to extract a ball? (this is not awaiting a punchline, I really want to know) Surely one person, ONE OF 17 - 5.6% of the side if you prefer - could stay forward in case the ball goes down there?
Amusingly despite us having the Essendon forward line clogged with our entire team they still managed to kick inside 50 and pinpoint individual players on their own. Where's one of those FAIL pictures with our entire squad on it when you need it? We went the biff in the last few minutes but it was too little too late. Pickett and Neitz (pre-2006) aside when have we had anyone legitimately fearsome in recent years? Where are the big tough bastards who spend as much time suspended as playing? I wouldn't know where to start in realistically sourcing one from another club (oh go on, suggest we swap Miller for Daniel Kerr. Give us all a laugh) but it certainly beats throwing away ALL your picks on kids. Top 3 or 4 fair enough but if you can flog a third rounder for somebody who will come in, biff a few crunts and give the kids some belief in themselves then why not?
As happens so often with us the last quarter was a junk-time, garbagefest of the highest order. We got the first three goals but it was too far gone to mean anything. Jetta got his first and Bate got rewarded for being our only decent forward - save a short burst by Miller - with a second goal before the Stefan Martin Experience continued its 2009 world tour by landing in the forward line after a decent stint in the ruck. Didn't go too badly, and is going to be very handy as a pinch-hitter up there in the future, but will more fondly be remembered tonight for kicking a corker of a goal on the run from the boundary. His forward line excitement rating is high, having kicked 2 rippers from 3 career goals. Apparently got 99.5 on his VCE as well, so at least when he realises that we've made him hate football he can do something useful with his life. Sylvia missed a sitter that would have completely sealed BOG status for us, and Watts got a second but the sting was well and truly gone.
They got the last two. Nobody cared. The siren went. Goodnight and let's never speak of this again. I certainly won't be calling Name a Game to order my copy, and I doubt too many Essendon fans will either. The only re-watching of this game that's likely to take place in the next few days is by the tribunal to decide how long Mark McVeigh - who just ten short years ago was coming into the video shop I worked in to rent R-Rated adult features - will get for biffing Jared Rivers.
Speaking of Name of a Game, when I won the free DVD on Queen's Birthday the bloke at SEN said "somebody will give you a call" and I've never heard from anyone since. Maybe that's their scam? Don't say anything and hope the winner gives up. It's happened to me on there before - I got one question in the quiz, won some pissweak book that I didn't really want anyway and got hung up on before anybody could get my details.
As you would know if you saw the game tonight Liam Jurrah was a revelation. Having watched him play the last three games at Casey I knew what to expect, and of course he didn't get as easy a run as he did in the VFL, but what you saw tonight is raw talent. Sure, he can't handball all that well but do you think anyone is in the games he's grown up playing? Had a couple of good leaps, took some lead-up marks and for the sake of a few inches could have had three goals. Has the makings of the one of the biggest cult figures at the club, and in a group where there's not too many left since Davey stopped playing forward and THE CELEBRATOR got injured, we need it. My wildcard Jurrah highlight was his big thumping spoil in the last quarter. We were getting pumped but even that caused the MFC fans around me to shudder with excitement.
Amazing story too. Has anyone ever had to learn English to play AFL senior football before? Wouldn't have thought so. Several have had to learn to use cutlery, and a lot to stop punching taxi drivers in the head - but a whole language? Remarkable! Thanks to Collingwood for not bothering to pick him up, and well done to our recruiting staff for taking a punt on him. Didn't exactly fly under the radar tonight so it's not like they took it easy on him - will be a very interesting second game next week and somebody to look out for in the rest of the season. Oh, and whoever decided to call him THE JURRAHCANE should be given an award. I'm burning with envy that I didn't come up with it myself.
As for the rest of the year first players Bennell and Cheney were solid without being spectacular, but I'm still not convinced about Jetta. Was only playing his 6th game so I'm not burying him, and he was ok tonight, but I don't see what he really adds. Would rather see Maric in there for the rest of the year to be honest.
Underbelly's Kriminal Korner
Brock McLean was wearing a black armband for dear departed Tuppence Moran. Whatever, good luck to him but did he have to play like he was at a funeral as well?
Crowd Watch
Had headphones in all night. Couldn't hear a word any of them were saying. Glorious.
Koaching Korner
Rightly or wrongly this is the week where a bunch of people are going to start turning on Bailey. All I will say is CLARKSON. Talk to me at this time next year and we'll see if we're in Daniher mid-2003 anti-coach tantrum territory yet. Until then, sit back and watch the rubbish unfold. And don't tell me we should have hired Sheedy or I'll glass you.
Website Watch
The AFL website needs to be thrown off a cliff. First it laughably claims that Cameron Bruce and McLean were in our best, then it makes watching the post-match press conference impossible in Firefox. Cockheads the lot of them.
2009 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - Matthew Bate
3 - Brad Green
2 - Paul Johnson
1 - Liam Jurrah
Varying degrees of apology to Davey (30 touches, hardly any of which did anything special), Miller, Moloney, Frawley (molested early, came back well), Whelan, Bruce, Grime and Martin (the ultimate troubleshooter - however now officially DQ'ed for the Seecamp Award due to his non-permanent defender status).
Leaderboard
19 - Aaron Davey
18 - Brent Moloney, Colin Sylvia
13 - Nathan Jones
14 - Brad Green
9 - Matthew Bate
8 - Brock McLean, Jared Rivers, James Frawley (CO-LEADERS: 2009 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Mark Jamar (LEADER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
7 - Brad Miller, Cameron Bruce, Stefan Martin
6 - Cale Morton
5 - Kyle Cheney (LEADER: 2009 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year),
4 - Matthew Warnock, Jamie Bennell
3 - Ricky Petterd, Russell Robertson, Matthew Whelan
2 - James McDonald, Jack Grimes, Paul Johnson
1 - Lynden Dunn, Liam Jurrah
Tank Talk
We've won one fucking game. It was hilarious talking about 'only' winning four after the Richmond game, and looked almost fanciful after the Bulldogs/Geelong matches, but the way we're going we'll be lucky to match the three wins of last season.
Next Week
Brisbane @ the Gabba. Gee, I wonder what's going to happen there? We'll get smashed and I 100% will not be writing a report as I've committed to something else and will - at best - be listening to patches of it on the radio, being anti-social on my phone reading Big Fotoy, or running in and out of a room checking the score. Therefore if you want to write either email me via supermercado AT demonblog DOT com, PM me on BigFooty or leave a note on the windscreen of my car. Last time I tried this, for the St. Kilda game, the crowd went absolutely mild but can someone do it this time at least for the sake of keeping some integrity in the votes rather than having to rely on the shaky as shit newspaper variety.
Who's Bradshaw going to kick nine on this year? I bet you he kicked a bin over in anger when he heard that we'd delisted him.
Final Thoughts
Sports are shit. Your suggestions on how I could have better spent a Friday night in the comments section please.
The subplots were there in droves as well. That is if you didn't just give up and go home at the prospect of having to stand in a queue for 20 minutes to get a 'seat' that you weren't going to use any way rather than just walking through the gate with your membership like any normal match. Watts 2.0, the debut of the Jurrahcane, Sylvia's continuing form, the emerging players in Jetta, Bennell, Cheney and Martin and crunch games for the likes of Miller and Robertson.
And after all that build-up we got smashed from the first bounce. Not only were we not getting anything on the scoreboard, but we were getting even less from the umpires. It took us until 25 minutes into the first quarter to get a free kick, by which time Essendon had kicked two from frees and another from a 50. I'm not one for conspiracy theories, or the idea that the free-kick count should magically align or it's a rort but for god's sake do they need to pay absolutely everything? Ok if a guy is on the ground and you do the Bam Bam Bigelow "Greetings From Asbury Park" onto his head then fair enough give a free, but am I the only one sick to death of players laying a decent tackle only to put a slight bit of pressure on the back and get pinged for a push? It's a farce.
Frawley was monstered by Lloyd early on and it looked as if we were going to see similar, or worse, to his 8 goals and a mark of the year performance in the MCG fixture last year. At least this time we weren't wearing that vomitous silver number as the clash jersey. The white one isn't that much better, and it does have that hideous bi-curious pirate logo, but anything beats the silver. And to think you actually see people going around in that to this day. Unbelievable. What was wrong with the old red alternative jumper we used to wear? Was much better.
The second quarter was one for first goals all round. Jack Grimes started it, Jurrah followed it up with a corker of a goal off the ground that sent our fans off their collective nut and then Watts bobbed up for his first just when I was starting to worry that he was going to get completely put out of the game.
More on Jurrah later, but Watts was interesting tonight. Once he gets it he's not bad, and he's obviously a great kick for goal but good god he's slight. Naturally greater bulk will come but for the moment it's like playing Cale 'Supermodel Diet' Morton as a key-forward. He's just getting swatted off the ball with the greatest of ease. Shows some wonderful signs but physically not up to it yet. Doesn't mean he shouldn't play the majority of the next ten games, but R1 next year with a full pre-season and half a year's experience in him is when we'll really start to see results.
Speaking of Morton, what the hell are we doing with him? A number four draft pick in his second year has got to be worth more than being used as a cheap kick collector Bowden-esque loose man in defence? We're not exactly playing to make the 8 here - can we throw him into a proper midfield position for the rest of the year and really test him out?
Now, the third quarter. I'm not turning on Bailey - it's far too early for that - but I am pivoting a bit and asking, rather stridently, WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN THAT QUARTER? We copped a couple at the end of the second after dragging ourselves back into it, but much like the last two games we came back from half time and were absolutely blown out of the water. Fair enough if it comes from being beaten by a better side, understandable even if you get the thing and stuff it up continually but when you just roll over and die like we did then you've got a lot to answer for.
I'm not claiming to be an expert in football, far from it, but what exactly does anyone expect to achieve by having 16 players inside the opposition's defensive 50, another two standing just outside and absolutely nobody forward of the halfway line? They kept kicking points and we kept not being able to get it forward because there was NO FARKING BODY THERE TO KICK IT TO. Jesus H Christ at least have one or two people down there. On a couple of occasions we finally got the ball out of the defensive 50 and had to bomb it forward to nobody because there wasn't a target. Shock horror when we went back to a 'traditional' set-up we started to look a lot more dangerous.
In the press conference Bailey tried to play it down like they were there to attempt to extract the ball, but I'd suggest that if you need 18 people get one football out then you need to find 18 new people. How many footballers does it take to extract a ball? (this is not awaiting a punchline, I really want to know) Surely one person, ONE OF 17 - 5.6% of the side if you prefer - could stay forward in case the ball goes down there?
Amusingly despite us having the Essendon forward line clogged with our entire team they still managed to kick inside 50 and pinpoint individual players on their own. Where's one of those FAIL pictures with our entire squad on it when you need it? We went the biff in the last few minutes but it was too little too late. Pickett and Neitz (pre-2006) aside when have we had anyone legitimately fearsome in recent years? Where are the big tough bastards who spend as much time suspended as playing? I wouldn't know where to start in realistically sourcing one from another club (oh go on, suggest we swap Miller for Daniel Kerr. Give us all a laugh) but it certainly beats throwing away ALL your picks on kids. Top 3 or 4 fair enough but if you can flog a third rounder for somebody who will come in, biff a few crunts and give the kids some belief in themselves then why not?
As happens so often with us the last quarter was a junk-time, garbagefest of the highest order. We got the first three goals but it was too far gone to mean anything. Jetta got his first and Bate got rewarded for being our only decent forward - save a short burst by Miller - with a second goal before the Stefan Martin Experience continued its 2009 world tour by landing in the forward line after a decent stint in the ruck. Didn't go too badly, and is going to be very handy as a pinch-hitter up there in the future, but will more fondly be remembered tonight for kicking a corker of a goal on the run from the boundary. His forward line excitement rating is high, having kicked 2 rippers from 3 career goals. Apparently got 99.5 on his VCE as well, so at least when he realises that we've made him hate football he can do something useful with his life. Sylvia missed a sitter that would have completely sealed BOG status for us, and Watts got a second but the sting was well and truly gone.
They got the last two. Nobody cared. The siren went. Goodnight and let's never speak of this again. I certainly won't be calling Name a Game to order my copy, and I doubt too many Essendon fans will either. The only re-watching of this game that's likely to take place in the next few days is by the tribunal to decide how long Mark McVeigh - who just ten short years ago was coming into the video shop I worked in to rent R-Rated adult features - will get for biffing Jared Rivers.
Speaking of Name of a Game, when I won the free DVD on Queen's Birthday the bloke at SEN said "somebody will give you a call" and I've never heard from anyone since. Maybe that's their scam? Don't say anything and hope the winner gives up. It's happened to me on there before - I got one question in the quiz, won some pissweak book that I didn't really want anyway and got hung up on before anybody could get my details.
As you would know if you saw the game tonight Liam Jurrah was a revelation. Having watched him play the last three games at Casey I knew what to expect, and of course he didn't get as easy a run as he did in the VFL, but what you saw tonight is raw talent. Sure, he can't handball all that well but do you think anyone is in the games he's grown up playing? Had a couple of good leaps, took some lead-up marks and for the sake of a few inches could have had three goals. Has the makings of the one of the biggest cult figures at the club, and in a group where there's not too many left since Davey stopped playing forward and THE CELEBRATOR got injured, we need it. My wildcard Jurrah highlight was his big thumping spoil in the last quarter. We were getting pumped but even that caused the MFC fans around me to shudder with excitement.
Amazing story too. Has anyone ever had to learn English to play AFL senior football before? Wouldn't have thought so. Several have had to learn to use cutlery, and a lot to stop punching taxi drivers in the head - but a whole language? Remarkable! Thanks to Collingwood for not bothering to pick him up, and well done to our recruiting staff for taking a punt on him. Didn't exactly fly under the radar tonight so it's not like they took it easy on him - will be a very interesting second game next week and somebody to look out for in the rest of the season. Oh, and whoever decided to call him THE JURRAHCANE should be given an award. I'm burning with envy that I didn't come up with it myself.
As for the rest of the year first players Bennell and Cheney were solid without being spectacular, but I'm still not convinced about Jetta. Was only playing his 6th game so I'm not burying him, and he was ok tonight, but I don't see what he really adds. Would rather see Maric in there for the rest of the year to be honest.
Underbelly's Kriminal Korner
Brock McLean was wearing a black armband for dear departed Tuppence Moran. Whatever, good luck to him but did he have to play like he was at a funeral as well?
Crowd Watch
Had headphones in all night. Couldn't hear a word any of them were saying. Glorious.
Koaching Korner
Rightly or wrongly this is the week where a bunch of people are going to start turning on Bailey. All I will say is CLARKSON. Talk to me at this time next year and we'll see if we're in Daniher mid-2003 anti-coach tantrum territory yet. Until then, sit back and watch the rubbish unfold. And don't tell me we should have hired Sheedy or I'll glass you.
Website Watch
The AFL website needs to be thrown off a cliff. First it laughably claims that Cameron Bruce and McLean were in our best, then it makes watching the post-match press conference impossible in Firefox. Cockheads the lot of them.
2009 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - Matthew Bate
3 - Brad Green
2 - Paul Johnson
1 - Liam Jurrah
Varying degrees of apology to Davey (30 touches, hardly any of which did anything special), Miller, Moloney, Frawley (molested early, came back well), Whelan, Bruce, Grime and Martin (the ultimate troubleshooter - however now officially DQ'ed for the Seecamp Award due to his non-permanent defender status).
Leaderboard
19 - Aaron Davey
18 - Brent Moloney, Colin Sylvia
13 - Nathan Jones
14 - Brad Green
9 - Matthew Bate
8 - Brock McLean, Jared Rivers, James Frawley (CO-LEADERS: 2009 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Mark Jamar (LEADER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
7 - Brad Miller, Cameron Bruce, Stefan Martin
6 - Cale Morton
5 - Kyle Cheney (LEADER: 2009 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year),
4 - Matthew Warnock, Jamie Bennell
3 - Ricky Petterd, Russell Robertson, Matthew Whelan
2 - James McDonald, Jack Grimes, Paul Johnson
1 - Lynden Dunn, Liam Jurrah
Tank Talk
We've won one fucking game. It was hilarious talking about 'only' winning four after the Richmond game, and looked almost fanciful after the Bulldogs/Geelong matches, but the way we're going we'll be lucky to match the three wins of last season.
Next Week
Brisbane @ the Gabba. Gee, I wonder what's going to happen there? We'll get smashed and I 100% will not be writing a report as I've committed to something else and will - at best - be listening to patches of it on the radio, being anti-social on my phone reading Big Fotoy, or running in and out of a room checking the score. Therefore if you want to write either email me via supermercado AT demonblog DOT com, PM me on BigFooty or leave a note on the windscreen of my car. Last time I tried this, for the St. Kilda game, the crowd went absolutely mild but can someone do it this time at least for the sake of keeping some integrity in the votes rather than having to rely on the shaky as shit newspaper variety.
Who's Bradshaw going to kick nine on this year? I bet you he kicked a bin over in anger when he heard that we'd delisted him.
Final Thoughts
Sports are shit. Your suggestions on how I could have better spent a Friday night in the comments section please.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Contrast and Compare
I'm not suggesting legalising soft-drugs (well.. decriminalising maybe) but tell me that we've got the right law enforcement mix in this city and we'll all have a good old fashioned laugh together,
First there's this;
DOZENS of party-goers have been arrested after police used sniffer dogs to detect drugs at a Melbourne Park rave.
The Winter Sound System dance party, held at Melbourne Park, was marred by paramedics having to treat four people for overdoses of potentially lethal drug GHB.
Other drugs found include cannabis, ecstasy and cocaine.
Wouldn't have thought there would have been much trouble inside though. Lucky for all you violence fans we've still got the rest of the city - where sniffer dogs and police officers dare not tread...
The stabbing was among a spate of knife attacks that have marred the Queens' Birthday public holiday and left three men hospitalised.
The assaults, including a stabbing with a broken beer bottle in an elevator at Melbourne Central, continued to highlight what has been described as Melbourne's growing "knife-carrying culture".
The 20-year-old Glen Waverley man was left with serious injuries after being stabbed while waiting for the elevator after leaving a bowling bar on the third floor of the centre just before 3am.
Two men, unknown to the man, approached him as he stood with his friend and girlfriend in a lobby and began arguing with the group, a Victoria Police spokeswoman said.
When the elevator's doors opened they pushed the man into the lift and stabbed him in his chest and stomach with the glass bottle before fleeing.
Just after midnight, another 20-year-old man was stabbed after being confronted by a pair of men near St Albans railway station.
The man was slashed across his neck and on his left hand after the men, aged in their 20s with dark skin, set upon him in Walmer Avenue.
And just after 7.30am three bandits targeted a pair of ravers returning from a dance party at Melbourne Park and forced the men to hand over their wallets and phones at knife-point.
The victims, aged 19 and 20, were walking along Swan Street after leaving the Winter Sound System dance party at Melbourne Park when they were approached by the group.
One of the men, who were all aged in their twenties, pulled out a knife and demanded the pair hand over their phones and wallets
Thank christ the cops were busy keeping the criminals off our street but having dogs sniff people's inner thighs just up the road.
Now, what do sniffer dogs really do? Three people overdosed on GHB - which is liquid and undetectable. You could take the viewpoint that people will be smart enough not to take something potentially lethal, or you can take the realistic viewpoint that people love getting off their nut and if they're going to get arrested for something that can be detected they'll switch to something that can't. Therefore people are bailed up for carrying relatively harmless stuff but can walk straight in the front door with a bottle of gear that can put them away in a matter of seconds.
Farcical. Oh, and if you've got a strong stomach for reading the ramblings of people who are fucked in the head then by all means read the comments on that story. For instance,
How sad has society become when so many people have to have stupid mind altering drugs to have a good time. What are these pathetic losers going to be doing in a few years time to have a good time, that's if they're not dead ???????? Losers, Losers and Losers, how else can you describe these fools ?????????
Posted by: " Concerned " of of the lawless state 5:21pm today
Yes, these new fangled mind altering substances. I can't believe that they suddenly appeared either! Cockhead.
What is a 'raver'? Oh, I know. It's a spoilt, obnoxious, selfish, spaced-out, irresponsible little mother-boy who thinks he's a superhero. They are a reflection of that god-awful doof doof noise they listen to. Memo to the police and ambulance service: let these oxygen thieves die in the gutter. It is what they deserve.
Posted by: Neil of basketcaseland 2:38pm today
Comment 73 of 81
Note, it's just guys apparently. Please also note that you can always spot a bitter late 40's married guy who is desperate to cheat on his wife but has lost all his hair and put on 50kgs by use of the term "awful doof doof noise".
Start letting them die when they overdose - refuse medical treatment warn them before that medical services and hospitals will not waste resources on idiots who shove ILLEGAL substances into their bodies. It might just take one death before it gets through their thick heads and the ones that die - tough luck at least the IQ of Australia will increase.
Posted by: Jackie 1:45pm today
Comment 70 of 81
Why not refuse medical treatment to people who botch their suicide attempt as well? Isn't that just wasting resources on somebody who wanted to die anyway?
Wake up, pro-ravers and smell the coffee. Possession and Use of these drugs is illegal, despite YOU thinking you're somehow special and above the law and it's OK for you to take them. You aren't and it's not. Posted by: Ryan of Cranbourne 12:14pm today
Comment 65 of 81
I'm not taking shit from anybody who lives in Cranbourne about what should and shouldn't be legal.
The moron market sector. Morons take drugs. Morons dance to bad music. Morons don't know how to have fun without substances. Moron DJs paid better than live artists. Morons too stupid to chat to each other so they just turn up the music to cover the fact they hold moronic conversation. Morons fascinated by UV and laser lights. Morons going home alone. Morons who'd do it all again next week.
Posted by: Steve 6:50am today
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Steve - the barometer of all that is good and just in society.
First there's this;
DOZENS of party-goers have been arrested after police used sniffer dogs to detect drugs at a Melbourne Park rave.
The Winter Sound System dance party, held at Melbourne Park, was marred by paramedics having to treat four people for overdoses of potentially lethal drug GHB.
Other drugs found include cannabis, ecstasy and cocaine.
Wouldn't have thought there would have been much trouble inside though. Lucky for all you violence fans we've still got the rest of the city - where sniffer dogs and police officers dare not tread...
The stabbing was among a spate of knife attacks that have marred the Queens' Birthday public holiday and left three men hospitalised.
The assaults, including a stabbing with a broken beer bottle in an elevator at Melbourne Central, continued to highlight what has been described as Melbourne's growing "knife-carrying culture".
The 20-year-old Glen Waverley man was left with serious injuries after being stabbed while waiting for the elevator after leaving a bowling bar on the third floor of the centre just before 3am.
Two men, unknown to the man, approached him as he stood with his friend and girlfriend in a lobby and began arguing with the group, a Victoria Police spokeswoman said.
When the elevator's doors opened they pushed the man into the lift and stabbed him in his chest and stomach with the glass bottle before fleeing.
Just after midnight, another 20-year-old man was stabbed after being confronted by a pair of men near St Albans railway station.
The man was slashed across his neck and on his left hand after the men, aged in their 20s with dark skin, set upon him in Walmer Avenue.
And just after 7.30am three bandits targeted a pair of ravers returning from a dance party at Melbourne Park and forced the men to hand over their wallets and phones at knife-point.
The victims, aged 19 and 20, were walking along Swan Street after leaving the Winter Sound System dance party at Melbourne Park when they were approached by the group.
One of the men, who were all aged in their twenties, pulled out a knife and demanded the pair hand over their phones and wallets
Thank christ the cops were busy keeping the criminals off our street but having dogs sniff people's inner thighs just up the road.
Now, what do sniffer dogs really do? Three people overdosed on GHB - which is liquid and undetectable. You could take the viewpoint that people will be smart enough not to take something potentially lethal, or you can take the realistic viewpoint that people love getting off their nut and if they're going to get arrested for something that can be detected they'll switch to something that can't. Therefore people are bailed up for carrying relatively harmless stuff but can walk straight in the front door with a bottle of gear that can put them away in a matter of seconds.
Farcical. Oh, and if you've got a strong stomach for reading the ramblings of people who are fucked in the head then by all means read the comments on that story. For instance,
How sad has society become when so many people have to have stupid mind altering drugs to have a good time. What are these pathetic losers going to be doing in a few years time to have a good time, that's if they're not dead ???????? Losers, Losers and Losers, how else can you describe these fools ?????????
Posted by: " Concerned " of of the lawless state 5:21pm today
Yes, these new fangled mind altering substances. I can't believe that they suddenly appeared either! Cockhead.
What is a 'raver'? Oh, I know. It's a spoilt, obnoxious, selfish, spaced-out, irresponsible little mother-boy who thinks he's a superhero. They are a reflection of that god-awful doof doof noise they listen to. Memo to the police and ambulance service: let these oxygen thieves die in the gutter. It is what they deserve.
Posted by: Neil of basketcaseland 2:38pm today
Comment 73 of 81
Note, it's just guys apparently. Please also note that you can always spot a bitter late 40's married guy who is desperate to cheat on his wife but has lost all his hair and put on 50kgs by use of the term "awful doof doof noise".
Start letting them die when they overdose - refuse medical treatment warn them before that medical services and hospitals will not waste resources on idiots who shove ILLEGAL substances into their bodies. It might just take one death before it gets through their thick heads and the ones that die - tough luck at least the IQ of Australia will increase.
Posted by: Jackie 1:45pm today
Comment 70 of 81
Why not refuse medical treatment to people who botch their suicide attempt as well? Isn't that just wasting resources on somebody who wanted to die anyway?
Wake up, pro-ravers and smell the coffee. Possession and Use of these drugs is illegal, despite YOU thinking you're somehow special and above the law and it's OK for you to take them. You aren't and it's not. Posted by: Ryan of Cranbourne 12:14pm today
Comment 65 of 81
I'm not taking shit from anybody who lives in Cranbourne about what should and shouldn't be legal.
The moron market sector. Morons take drugs. Morons dance to bad music. Morons don't know how to have fun without substances. Moron DJs paid better than live artists. Morons too stupid to chat to each other so they just turn up the music to cover the fact they hold moronic conversation. Morons fascinated by UV and laser lights. Morons going home alone. Morons who'd do it all again next week.
Posted by: Steve 6:50am today
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Steve - the barometer of all that is good and just in society.
Crusty Demons of Shite
Disclaimer - I care not for most of what happened today, and I'm not even going to try and fake it
Well, that was a waste of a public holiday. Sure, on a day where it's pissing down constantly there aren't that many other options but couldn't we have collectively found something better to do with our day? If the crowd was anything to go by, it seems many did. Bollocks to theories about the weather, if we'd been winning there would have been another 15k there. Don't believe me? 78,000 people in 2006 says otherwise. We've lost the once a year crowd. Damn. Nice if they didn't come back.
Anyway, the game. We were 50 points down three minutes into the second quarter without having kicked a goal. Enough said. I'd somehow managed to get roped into the Cheer Squad first goalkicker prize just by walking past. God knows what the prize was but the fact that we were almost 9 goals down and I was still punting Brock McLean home was purely farcical. Sadly it wasn't the only moment of high farce in the first quarter - a complete inability to match up on any opposition player, the most one-dimensional forward line structure in history and Paul farking Johnson full stop were worse.
Once again there was a complete lack of crumb. What's new? Down at the other end the Pies were crumbing everything. It was only Didak's attempts to kick stupid Motlop-esque goals instead of kicking drop punts that saved us on a couple of occassions. Apparently Dick was doing well. I would never have guessed except for the woman sitting behind me who kept yelling out DICK! DICK! DICK! every time he went near the ball.
Meanwhile nothing has shit me more this year than the number of times an opposition forward will take a mark inside, or just outside, 50 and be able to kick short to a teammate. It's going to happen a few times every week but we're copping it multiple times every freaking game. The backline is still doing well, even though they were clearly beaten today, but at least get the simple things right.
It started pissing down in the second quarter and we were all set to find out how good we are at playing in the wet. Answer - not very. Comical slip and slide bullshit from all involved. Congrats to the players who decided that playing dinky little sexy football in the defensive 50m was a good idea. A couple of goals early on dragged it back to respectability temporarily but it didn't last long. Quite frankly we were shit and even if I remembered what was going on I wouldn't waste your time and mine writing about it.
One interesting moment was Harry O'Brien getting pinged for the biggest holding the ball in history AND giving himself up only for the umpire to wave play on. Cue a Pies goal. Get fucked.
Robertson was an interesting one. He responsed to criticism about his chase and defensive pressure by.. err.. chasing and putting on defensive pressure but I still fail to be impressed. It's not his fault that they kick it to him EVERY F**KING TIME, making it easy for the opposition to chop it off, but he's got to stop trying to milk free-kicks every ten seconds. Somehow he's getting away with it but that says more about the stupidity of the umpires than anything else. The two kicks he missed at the end were fairly damning. I doubt he'll get dropped again anytime soon but there must be questions about his spot next year, especially if Jurrah fires up when he gets a game later in the season.
Jamar was dominant in the ruck. Shame nobody could get near it when it hit the deck. Consider how Fraser stooged the Johnson/Spencer combination in Round 2 with how he was stitched up today. The last two weeks must represent the best fortnight of his career. At one point I even thought he was going to crack the magical 5 kick mark so we could all get our t-shirts made.
Then there was Watts. Serviceable performance from a debutant, but for god's sake could we put any more pressure on the poor kid? I understand the frenzy during the week because clearly we were trying to get people to come through the gate (oh come on), but did we have to have him on camera every five seconds before the first bounce as well? Will get better, hopefully well removed from the media and club wankfest.
The one bonus feature of the day was when Sylvia kicked the goal at the end from outside 50m and I won the Name a Game DVD off SEN for being the first caller. No need for them to know that I wasn't even listening at the time and just knew to call from memory of listening to other games. I chose R21, 1993 - Jakovich and Lovell go crazy against Richmond on route to a 120 point win. Happy days. Happy days.
Speaking of Mr. Jakovich, here's some votes we prepared earlier.
2009 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - Mark Jamar
3 - Nathan Jones
2 - Jack Grimes
1 - Aaron Davey
Apologies to Moloney, Bruce and Bate.
Leaderboard
Davey wrests the lead back at the halfway mark, but the last month has all been Sylvia. Also in the last two games Mark Jamar has recieved 8 votes - before those games he'd scored 1 in his career. A big welcome to the leaderboard to J. Grimes for his first votes as well.
19 - Aaron Davey
18 - Brent Moloney
13 - Colin Sylvia
13 - Nathan Jones
11 - Brad Green
8 - Brock McLean, Jared Rivers, James Frawley (CO-LEADERS: 2009 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Mark Jamar (LEADER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
7 - Brad Miller, Cameron Bruce, Stefan Martin
6 - Cale Morton
5 - Kyle Cheney (LEADER: 2009 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year), Matthew Bate,
4 - Matthew Warnock, Jamie Bennell
3 - Ricky Petterd, Russell Robertson, Matthew Whelan
2 - James McDonald, Jack Grimes
1 - Lynden Dunn
Crowd Watch
I would have bet anything that Jones would have got booed by the filth elements of the Collingwood fanbase. Certainly none where I was sitting, but that's probably because - as usual - I was stuck in the middle of a bunch of kids.
Tank Talk
Does anyone seriously think we're going to win more than four games this year even at 100%? Winning two games would be nice. West Coast (MCG), Port (MCG), Richmond (MCG) and Fremantle (MCG - do you see a trend?) are really the only realistic chances we have for the rest of the year and would need to win the lot to 'avoid' the precious top two picks.
Kasey Korner
Jurrah and Dunn amongst the best - though not if you read the drug assisted 'bests' in the paper - and Miller not terrible in doing most of his best work in junktime. Casey won in a decent performance but there wasn't much to write home about, Werribee were fairly awful. Jake Spencer wasn't too bad, he's got to be a chance of tipping out Johnson soon. If you're gagging for football in the split round they're playing Preston at Princes Park on Saturday.
Next Week
Mercifully absolutely nothing. A glorious week off from this grim season before facing Essendon at Docklands in our one and only Friday night game in two weeks. With Ryder getting suspended and the rest all injured they have precisely zero ruckmen. With Jamar having dominated in the ruck in the last two weeks I expect that this means he will go absolutely coco bananas in the middle. However this will mean absolutely nothing when they cut us to shreds around the ground.
Final Thoughts
John Anthony looks like an alien.
Well, that was a waste of a public holiday. Sure, on a day where it's pissing down constantly there aren't that many other options but couldn't we have collectively found something better to do with our day? If the crowd was anything to go by, it seems many did. Bollocks to theories about the weather, if we'd been winning there would have been another 15k there. Don't believe me? 78,000 people in 2006 says otherwise. We've lost the once a year crowd. Damn. Nice if they didn't come back.
Anyway, the game. We were 50 points down three minutes into the second quarter without having kicked a goal. Enough said. I'd somehow managed to get roped into the Cheer Squad first goalkicker prize just by walking past. God knows what the prize was but the fact that we were almost 9 goals down and I was still punting Brock McLean home was purely farcical. Sadly it wasn't the only moment of high farce in the first quarter - a complete inability to match up on any opposition player, the most one-dimensional forward line structure in history and Paul farking Johnson full stop were worse.
Once again there was a complete lack of crumb. What's new? Down at the other end the Pies were crumbing everything. It was only Didak's attempts to kick stupid Motlop-esque goals instead of kicking drop punts that saved us on a couple of occassions. Apparently Dick was doing well. I would never have guessed except for the woman sitting behind me who kept yelling out DICK! DICK! DICK! every time he went near the ball.
Meanwhile nothing has shit me more this year than the number of times an opposition forward will take a mark inside, or just outside, 50 and be able to kick short to a teammate. It's going to happen a few times every week but we're copping it multiple times every freaking game. The backline is still doing well, even though they were clearly beaten today, but at least get the simple things right.
It started pissing down in the second quarter and we were all set to find out how good we are at playing in the wet. Answer - not very. Comical slip and slide bullshit from all involved. Congrats to the players who decided that playing dinky little sexy football in the defensive 50m was a good idea. A couple of goals early on dragged it back to respectability temporarily but it didn't last long. Quite frankly we were shit and even if I remembered what was going on I wouldn't waste your time and mine writing about it.
One interesting moment was Harry O'Brien getting pinged for the biggest holding the ball in history AND giving himself up only for the umpire to wave play on. Cue a Pies goal. Get fucked.
Robertson was an interesting one. He responsed to criticism about his chase and defensive pressure by.. err.. chasing and putting on defensive pressure but I still fail to be impressed. It's not his fault that they kick it to him EVERY F**KING TIME, making it easy for the opposition to chop it off, but he's got to stop trying to milk free-kicks every ten seconds. Somehow he's getting away with it but that says more about the stupidity of the umpires than anything else. The two kicks he missed at the end were fairly damning. I doubt he'll get dropped again anytime soon but there must be questions about his spot next year, especially if Jurrah fires up when he gets a game later in the season.
Jamar was dominant in the ruck. Shame nobody could get near it when it hit the deck. Consider how Fraser stooged the Johnson/Spencer combination in Round 2 with how he was stitched up today. The last two weeks must represent the best fortnight of his career. At one point I even thought he was going to crack the magical 5 kick mark so we could all get our t-shirts made.
Then there was Watts. Serviceable performance from a debutant, but for god's sake could we put any more pressure on the poor kid? I understand the frenzy during the week because clearly we were trying to get people to come through the gate (oh come on), but did we have to have him on camera every five seconds before the first bounce as well? Will get better, hopefully well removed from the media and club wankfest.
The one bonus feature of the day was when Sylvia kicked the goal at the end from outside 50m and I won the Name a Game DVD off SEN for being the first caller. No need for them to know that I wasn't even listening at the time and just knew to call from memory of listening to other games. I chose R21, 1993 - Jakovich and Lovell go crazy against Richmond on route to a 120 point win. Happy days. Happy days.
Speaking of Mr. Jakovich, here's some votes we prepared earlier.
2009 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - Mark Jamar
3 - Nathan Jones
2 - Jack Grimes
1 - Aaron Davey
Apologies to Moloney, Bruce and Bate.
Leaderboard
Davey wrests the lead back at the halfway mark, but the last month has all been Sylvia. Also in the last two games Mark Jamar has recieved 8 votes - before those games he'd scored 1 in his career. A big welcome to the leaderboard to J. Grimes for his first votes as well.
19 - Aaron Davey
18 - Brent Moloney
13 - Colin Sylvia
13 - Nathan Jones
11 - Brad Green
8 - Brock McLean, Jared Rivers, James Frawley (CO-LEADERS: 2009 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Mark Jamar (LEADER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
7 - Brad Miller, Cameron Bruce, Stefan Martin
6 - Cale Morton
5 - Kyle Cheney (LEADER: 2009 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year), Matthew Bate,
4 - Matthew Warnock, Jamie Bennell
3 - Ricky Petterd, Russell Robertson, Matthew Whelan
2 - James McDonald, Jack Grimes
1 - Lynden Dunn
Crowd Watch
I would have bet anything that Jones would have got booed by the filth elements of the Collingwood fanbase. Certainly none where I was sitting, but that's probably because - as usual - I was stuck in the middle of a bunch of kids.
Tank Talk
Does anyone seriously think we're going to win more than four games this year even at 100%? Winning two games would be nice. West Coast (MCG), Port (MCG), Richmond (MCG) and Fremantle (MCG - do you see a trend?) are really the only realistic chances we have for the rest of the year and would need to win the lot to 'avoid' the precious top two picks.
Kasey Korner
Jurrah and Dunn amongst the best - though not if you read the drug assisted 'bests' in the paper - and Miller not terrible in doing most of his best work in junktime. Casey won in a decent performance but there wasn't much to write home about, Werribee were fairly awful. Jake Spencer wasn't too bad, he's got to be a chance of tipping out Johnson soon. If you're gagging for football in the split round they're playing Preston at Princes Park on Saturday.
Next Week
Mercifully absolutely nothing. A glorious week off from this grim season before facing Essendon at Docklands in our one and only Friday night game in two weeks. With Ryder getting suspended and the rest all injured they have precisely zero ruckmen. With Jamar having dominated in the ruck in the last two weeks I expect that this means he will go absolutely coco bananas in the middle. However this will mean absolutely nothing when they cut us to shreds around the ground.
Final Thoughts
John Anthony looks like an alien.
Friday, 5 June 2009
*Insert hillarious Kill Bill gag here*
David Carradine. Some guy who nobody 30 years or less understands. Dead in Bangkok hotel room, allegedly in a
">perverse sex game scenario. They're my favourite I must admit.
Thai police are investigating whether Kung Fu star David Carradine died during a sex game gone wrong.
The 72-year-old actor, who also starred in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill films, was found hanging in a Bangkok hotel room wardrobe with a rope around his neck and other parts of his body.
Police first said his death was suicide because there was no evidence of a struggle in the room and no bruising on Carradine's body.
Err, anyway. Play Fantasy Coroner and ask yourself this question. Why in Bangkok, of all cities, would you have to resort to such shenanigans? If it turns out that he really died die trying to get one way then he must have been the keenest masturbator on earth.
Now, if you're trapped in Launceston of an evening and get a bit randy maybe but for god's sake man - it's Bangkok. If Hoover became the common name for vacuum cleaners and people can call photocopiers a Xerox then surely Bangkok is the brand name for sleaze. Can't be bothered leaving the room? Just call room service you goose, don't climb into the cupboard and neck up.
Enough political comment..
">perverse sex game scenario. They're my favourite I must admit.
Thai police are investigating whether Kung Fu star David Carradine died during a sex game gone wrong.
The 72-year-old actor, who also starred in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill films, was found hanging in a Bangkok hotel room wardrobe with a rope around his neck and other parts of his body.
Police first said his death was suicide because there was no evidence of a struggle in the room and no bruising on Carradine's body.
Err, anyway. Play Fantasy Coroner and ask yourself this question. Why in Bangkok, of all cities, would you have to resort to such shenanigans? If it turns out that he really died die trying to get one way then he must have been the keenest masturbator on earth.
Now, if you're trapped in Launceston of an evening and get a bit randy maybe but for god's sake man - it's Bangkok. If Hoover became the common name for vacuum cleaners and people can call photocopiers a Xerox then surely Bangkok is the brand name for sleaze. Can't be bothered leaving the room? Just call room service you goose, don't climb into the cupboard and neck up.
Enough political comment..
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Golden Shower
When it was announced that Channel Ten were covering the Fremantle vs Richmond dead-rubber of the century rather than our game I'll admit I had a whinge. "What's wrong with showing the top team in country against the 2045 premiership favourites?" I wailed. Now, I'd like to apologise wholeheartedly to Channel 10.
Not only was our game completely rubbish, but it turns out that the only long distance camera angle available at Carrara is akin to filming the game from the moon. On the other side of the country Richmond and the Dockers were playing out a classic with the additional side-angle of Ben Cousins return to Perth. Of course that was the more appetising game. Even if they had picked it this week rather than six months ago did anyone doubt that Ten wouldn't put Richmond on every week for the rest of the season so the vultures could show the footage of the kid crying every ten minutes. I turned over at the end of our game and guess what they were showing? Ten should just hire Craig "hiding in the bushes" Hutchison already and make a network out of being [deleted for legal reasons - editor].
It's also understandable why nobody else wanted to write the report for this. It was never going to be pretty. To be honest I wasn't even going to watch it until half an hour before the first bounce. With no Foxtel at home and the dodgy internet streams all showing the Freo game I was content to stay home, listen to the radio and be a crochety bastard in the comfort of my living room. The major advantage to not watching a Foxtel Saturday night game is, of course, not having to put up with the utter tripe that is Dwayne Russell as a commentator.
For the second week we managed to avoid copping a shot on goal in the first twenty seconds. The tide is clearly turning. In fact we scored first, the suddenly 'reliable on the run' Sylvia missing on the run. He did get another one not long after. We continually pegged them back when they jumped away to a break, even James Frawley wandered forward for a goal. This leaves Jack Grimes as the only player in our 22 who has never kicked a career goal - come on son, it's been five matches already. Fire up and kick a bag. Adrian McAdam had 29 in the same time after all.
Then after quarter time the game just died. I honestly can't remember what happened for most of the next three quarters other than it being horrible. And to think I was supposed to be going to this game before financial considerations kicked in. At least then I'd have been able to cheer myself up by going on a waterslide at Sea World tomorrow instead of watching reserves football.
Did we actually get a free kick in the first half that wasn't for out on the full? I'm not suggesting there were any rorts at work, and god knows even if we'd had them they would just have been botched, but I can't remember any. Oh, and the hands in the back rule has officially been removed from the rulebook. Ring Kevin Bartlett up on Hungry for Sport and ask him what happened to it. Shithouse. We got a handful in the second half
So, how bad was the second half? Well, put it this way I'd rather sit through two hours of the CGU ads with Susan the rapping providore than ever watch it again. In fact don't ask me what happened in the last quarter, because I spent the whole time on my friends couch reading Wikipedia on a laptop and telling him who North Melbourne had drafted in any particular year. I did look up at one point to see Whelan laying another blockbusting rugby tackle - I don't think anyone gives enough credit to how much he's going to be missed when he goes. Kyle Cheney looks like a successor at times but he'll need to learn how to produce killer tackles and get injured at inappropriate times if he's going to fill Whelan's shoes.
Also interesting was McDonald getting crunched in the knee and going off as if he was completely rooted. Came back on, but clearly wasn't right. Our midfield doesn't have a great deal of people knocking on the door to come in (Bell was so-so, Buckley is around somewhere) but if he were to cop a serious injury now would it be the end of him? Love the guy, and his tackling is a highlight, but it might be time to move over and let somebody else have a crack. Meh, whatever - we're shit let him go on for as long as he likes.
It's a credit to our backline that even with the ball spending most of the game inside the Saints forward 50 we didn't concede a massive score. It was also a credit to the fact that they couldn't kick straight most of the time, but go with my point. I'll say this every week until we are actually good but it's the backline that's going to be the foundation for our success. Now to find some semblance of a forward structure. The Stefan Martin Experience forward experiment (SMEFE?) was an abject failure, but then again so was our entire forward line other than Bate - who was doing all his work outside 50 - so it's not a great indication. I still don't think he's a natural to play down there, certainly doesn't look too comfortable with it.
To top off a great night I went outside to my car and realised that I'd totally forgotten to look at the street signs when I parked. Hello 15 minute zone, hello $57 fine. Not so bad considering I was there for about 4hrs longer than legally allowed.
Draft Watch
No need to talk tank, with Richmond's ludicrous win over Freo they're now a game and percentage in front of us. If we don't get this draft right then we'd may as well give up, Mulder and Scully or whatever the fuck these new messiahs are called had better be ready to dedicate themselves to a career of failure and disappointment.
Kasey Korner
Tomorrow against Geelong @ Casey Fields. I've got something else I'm supposed to go to, but frankly the prospect of standing on the hill alone and listening to the gloriously - and therefore great - 3SER amateur radio call is a much more attractive option. Besides there are so many interesting angles in the match that it's impossible to ignore. Will Robertson bounce back or is he rapidly sliding towards irrelevance? Does Watts do enough to get a Queens Birthday debut? Will Ricky Petterd get played in position? Should Lynden Dunn even bother turning up? Half-assed reportage later tomorrow.
2009 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Jared Rivers (Did well in defence, had precious little competition at the top of this lineup)
4 - Mark Jamar (my god, I never thought we'd see the moment that somebody with 2 kicks almost wins BOG)
3 - Matthew Whelan (the most underrated MFC player of the last decade)
2 - Matthew Bate
1 - Brent Moloney
Apologies to Grimes, Green, Maric, Sylvia, Frawley and McLean
Leaderboard
18 - Aaron Davey, Brent Moloney
11 - Brad Green
10 - Nathan Jones
8 - Brock McLean, Jared Rivers, James Frawley (CO-LEADERS: 2009 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Colin Sylvia
7 - Brad Miller, Cameron Bruce, Stefan Martin
6 - Cale Morton
5 - Kyle Cheney (LEADER: 2009 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year), Matthew Bate,
4 - Matthew Warnock, Jamie Bennell, Mark Jamar (LEADER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
3 - Ricky Petterd, Russell Robertson, Matthew Whelan
2 - James McDonald
1 - Lynden Dunn
Next Week
Queen's Birthday. Not her real one, but who's counting? Last week I might have claimed we were a chance, but after tonight I'm not so sure. Here's to them suffering a black death style injury plague in the game against Port tomorrow. At least we'll be able to finally answer the question - who would you rather throw into the sea, Cloke or Miller?
Final Thoughts
Tonight made me want to fill my pockets with rocks and walk into the ocean.
Not only was our game completely rubbish, but it turns out that the only long distance camera angle available at Carrara is akin to filming the game from the moon. On the other side of the country Richmond and the Dockers were playing out a classic with the additional side-angle of Ben Cousins return to Perth. Of course that was the more appetising game. Even if they had picked it this week rather than six months ago did anyone doubt that Ten wouldn't put Richmond on every week for the rest of the season so the vultures could show the footage of the kid crying every ten minutes. I turned over at the end of our game and guess what they were showing? Ten should just hire Craig "hiding in the bushes" Hutchison already and make a network out of being [deleted for legal reasons - editor].
It's also understandable why nobody else wanted to write the report for this. It was never going to be pretty. To be honest I wasn't even going to watch it until half an hour before the first bounce. With no Foxtel at home and the dodgy internet streams all showing the Freo game I was content to stay home, listen to the radio and be a crochety bastard in the comfort of my living room. The major advantage to not watching a Foxtel Saturday night game is, of course, not having to put up with the utter tripe that is Dwayne Russell as a commentator.
For the second week we managed to avoid copping a shot on goal in the first twenty seconds. The tide is clearly turning. In fact we scored first, the suddenly 'reliable on the run' Sylvia missing on the run. He did get another one not long after. We continually pegged them back when they jumped away to a break, even James Frawley wandered forward for a goal. This leaves Jack Grimes as the only player in our 22 who has never kicked a career goal - come on son, it's been five matches already. Fire up and kick a bag. Adrian McAdam had 29 in the same time after all.
Then after quarter time the game just died. I honestly can't remember what happened for most of the next three quarters other than it being horrible. And to think I was supposed to be going to this game before financial considerations kicked in. At least then I'd have been able to cheer myself up by going on a waterslide at Sea World tomorrow instead of watching reserves football.
Did we actually get a free kick in the first half that wasn't for out on the full? I'm not suggesting there were any rorts at work, and god knows even if we'd had them they would just have been botched, but I can't remember any. Oh, and the hands in the back rule has officially been removed from the rulebook. Ring Kevin Bartlett up on Hungry for Sport and ask him what happened to it. Shithouse. We got a handful in the second half
So, how bad was the second half? Well, put it this way I'd rather sit through two hours of the CGU ads with Susan the rapping providore than ever watch it again. In fact don't ask me what happened in the last quarter, because I spent the whole time on my friends couch reading Wikipedia on a laptop and telling him who North Melbourne had drafted in any particular year. I did look up at one point to see Whelan laying another blockbusting rugby tackle - I don't think anyone gives enough credit to how much he's going to be missed when he goes. Kyle Cheney looks like a successor at times but he'll need to learn how to produce killer tackles and get injured at inappropriate times if he's going to fill Whelan's shoes.
Also interesting was McDonald getting crunched in the knee and going off as if he was completely rooted. Came back on, but clearly wasn't right. Our midfield doesn't have a great deal of people knocking on the door to come in (Bell was so-so, Buckley is around somewhere) but if he were to cop a serious injury now would it be the end of him? Love the guy, and his tackling is a highlight, but it might be time to move over and let somebody else have a crack. Meh, whatever - we're shit let him go on for as long as he likes.
It's a credit to our backline that even with the ball spending most of the game inside the Saints forward 50 we didn't concede a massive score. It was also a credit to the fact that they couldn't kick straight most of the time, but go with my point. I'll say this every week until we are actually good but it's the backline that's going to be the foundation for our success. Now to find some semblance of a forward structure. The Stefan Martin Experience forward experiment (SMEFE?) was an abject failure, but then again so was our entire forward line other than Bate - who was doing all his work outside 50 - so it's not a great indication. I still don't think he's a natural to play down there, certainly doesn't look too comfortable with it.
To top off a great night I went outside to my car and realised that I'd totally forgotten to look at the street signs when I parked. Hello 15 minute zone, hello $57 fine. Not so bad considering I was there for about 4hrs longer than legally allowed.
Draft Watch
No need to talk tank, with Richmond's ludicrous win over Freo they're now a game and percentage in front of us. If we don't get this draft right then we'd may as well give up, Mulder and Scully or whatever the fuck these new messiahs are called had better be ready to dedicate themselves to a career of failure and disappointment.
Kasey Korner
Tomorrow against Geelong @ Casey Fields. I've got something else I'm supposed to go to, but frankly the prospect of standing on the hill alone and listening to the gloriously - and therefore great - 3SER amateur radio call is a much more attractive option. Besides there are so many interesting angles in the match that it's impossible to ignore. Will Robertson bounce back or is he rapidly sliding towards irrelevance? Does Watts do enough to get a Queens Birthday debut? Will Ricky Petterd get played in position? Should Lynden Dunn even bother turning up? Half-assed reportage later tomorrow.
2009 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - Jared Rivers (Did well in defence, had precious little competition at the top of this lineup)
4 - Mark Jamar (my god, I never thought we'd see the moment that somebody with 2 kicks almost wins BOG)
3 - Matthew Whelan (the most underrated MFC player of the last decade)
2 - Matthew Bate
1 - Brent Moloney
Apologies to Grimes, Green, Maric, Sylvia, Frawley and McLean
Leaderboard
18 - Aaron Davey, Brent Moloney
11 - Brad Green
10 - Nathan Jones
8 - Brock McLean, Jared Rivers, James Frawley (CO-LEADERS: 2009 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Colin Sylvia
7 - Brad Miller, Cameron Bruce, Stefan Martin
6 - Cale Morton
5 - Kyle Cheney (LEADER: 2009 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year), Matthew Bate,
4 - Matthew Warnock, Jamie Bennell, Mark Jamar (LEADER: Strawbs O'Dwyer Medal for Ruckman of the Year)
3 - Ricky Petterd, Russell Robertson, Matthew Whelan
2 - James McDonald
1 - Lynden Dunn
Next Week
Queen's Birthday. Not her real one, but who's counting? Last week I might have claimed we were a chance, but after tonight I'm not so sure. Here's to them suffering a black death style injury plague in the game against Port tomorrow. At least we'll be able to finally answer the question - who would you rather throw into the sea, Cloke or Miller?
Final Thoughts
Tonight made me want to fill my pockets with rocks and walk into the ocean.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Triple AM
At the risk of the first serious post on here for about five years there are some whinges that you can't fully develop in a 140 word Twitter update (Tweet? Get stuffed).
*start talkback radio outrage*
Everyone's got their views on the Matthew Johns/Cronulla Sharks fiasco. It would be charitible to say that 5% of people in Melbourne knew who Johns was before a couple of weeks ago (let alone his much more accomplished brother) yet in the last couple of weeks he's basically become the brand name for debauchery and dodgy behaviour. A tad harsh I'd have thought, but we all know Australia loves a bandwagon to jump on. Even poor Schapelle Corby feels so forgotten that she's had to do a bit of froth at the mouth nutbag work to get back into the papers.
Now, whatever you think about the Cronulla fiasco is your business. I'm not going to try and convince you one way or the other but think for a second how many hours were wasted discussing it on radio and television. How many newspaper column inches spent slaughtering footy players for being meatheads? Rebecca Wilson, probably the most pointless figure in Australian sports (a nose to Craig Hutchison), is making a living out of being outraged.
Now, once you've framed the amount of coverage that incident got in your mind then read this story. Buried on the "Victoria" page of the Herald Sun website and beneficiary of 20 seconds on tonight's news.
A CHILD rapist who broke his parole only 24 hours after being released from jail is being hunted by police.
Andrew Darling was released on parole last week after serving a nine-year sentence for raping a 13-year-old girl.
Nine years? Nine fucking years? Why isn't this the front page scandal. The fact that he's on the loose is bad enough, but how come nobody seems to care that he only served nine years? The news wasted an entire story on a widow of a man killed in an industrial accident having a whinge because the company only got fined $300,000. Tragic loss and all, but what does she want them to do - bring him back? Elsewhere somebody's life is effectively ruined at 13 and nobody really seems to care. Just give a
I'm no fan of capital punishment, and I'm for people who legitimately stuffed up being given a second chance but surely the various assorted freaks like this can't have any excuse. "Sorry your honor, I accidentally raped her". Get fucked. You get pissed, you stack your car and kill a family - you should do 15 years and get another go. You rob a bank and get busted, do 10 years and walk out. Fair enough. But this? My god. There are crimes that deserve to see people locked away for the rest of their life, and if this isn't one of them then what sort of society are we living in?
And what do the media do about it? The Herald Sun are always trying to position themselves as the defenders of all things good and true, and they're too busy hanging around Ben Cousins' driveway to make any sort of statement about what a shambles sentencing in this country is. Politicians? Opening golf courses and making pissweak internet ads.
Next financial year get yourself a game card (not from the Herald Sun, they're too busy printing the latest "global warming is fake" bollocks by Andrew Bolt) and play "Bullshit Sentence Bingo". See if you can find one ridiculously lenient sentence in every field of crime, then one that seems completely over the top for an otherwise ordinary case. By June 30 2010 your house will be full of game cards. Unfortunately you don't win anything except the right to vote at a State Election for one of two parties who couldn't give a shit about anything but their own rorts.
* end talkback radio outrage*
*start talkback radio outrage*
Everyone's got their views on the Matthew Johns/Cronulla Sharks fiasco. It would be charitible to say that 5% of people in Melbourne knew who Johns was before a couple of weeks ago (let alone his much more accomplished brother) yet in the last couple of weeks he's basically become the brand name for debauchery and dodgy behaviour. A tad harsh I'd have thought, but we all know Australia loves a bandwagon to jump on. Even poor Schapelle Corby feels so forgotten that she's had to do a bit of froth at the mouth nutbag work to get back into the papers.
Now, whatever you think about the Cronulla fiasco is your business. I'm not going to try and convince you one way or the other but think for a second how many hours were wasted discussing it on radio and television. How many newspaper column inches spent slaughtering footy players for being meatheads? Rebecca Wilson, probably the most pointless figure in Australian sports (a nose to Craig Hutchison), is making a living out of being outraged.
Now, once you've framed the amount of coverage that incident got in your mind then read this story. Buried on the "Victoria" page of the Herald Sun website and beneficiary of 20 seconds on tonight's news.
A CHILD rapist who broke his parole only 24 hours after being released from jail is being hunted by police.
Andrew Darling was released on parole last week after serving a nine-year sentence for raping a 13-year-old girl.
Nine years? Nine fucking years? Why isn't this the front page scandal. The fact that he's on the loose is bad enough, but how come nobody seems to care that he only served nine years? The news wasted an entire story on a widow of a man killed in an industrial accident having a whinge because the company only got fined $300,000. Tragic loss and all, but what does she want them to do - bring him back? Elsewhere somebody's life is effectively ruined at 13 and nobody really seems to care. Just give a
I'm no fan of capital punishment, and I'm for people who legitimately stuffed up being given a second chance but surely the various assorted freaks like this can't have any excuse. "Sorry your honor, I accidentally raped her". Get fucked. You get pissed, you stack your car and kill a family - you should do 15 years and get another go. You rob a bank and get busted, do 10 years and walk out. Fair enough. But this? My god. There are crimes that deserve to see people locked away for the rest of their life, and if this isn't one of them then what sort of society are we living in?
And what do the media do about it? The Herald Sun are always trying to position themselves as the defenders of all things good and true, and they're too busy hanging around Ben Cousins' driveway to make any sort of statement about what a shambles sentencing in this country is. Politicians? Opening golf courses and making pissweak internet ads.
Next financial year get yourself a game card (not from the Herald Sun, they're too busy printing the latest "global warming is fake" bollocks by Andrew Bolt) and play "Bullshit Sentence Bingo". See if you can find one ridiculously lenient sentence in every field of crime, then one that seems completely over the top for an otherwise ordinary case. By June 30 2010 your house will be full of game cards. Unfortunately you don't win anything except the right to vote at a State Election for one of two parties who couldn't give a shit about anything but their own rorts.
* end talkback radio outrage*
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Fantasy Eurovision 2009 - Results Spectacular
*Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Wimbledon dog track for the startling conclusion to this year's night of nights. And here's your host... Ugly Dave"
"Ere, I'm back. You know last week after the show I walked into a bar. Didn't 'alf 'urt. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, let's get on with it. Me mother in law is outside and she'll just die if I don't take her for a walk. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, if you want to recap the acts one more time go here. Otherwise as the results come in we'll be joined by some often casually racist stereotypes for their reactions. Are you ready? Well let's start with last, because they're the furthest away from first."
23. Greece - Diamanda Galas : 0 points
Deep shock and resentment there in Athens. The selection committee will surely now be wondering if they should have gone for Yanni and his blistering synth pop moustache instead of a wailing crazy woman.
=22. England - The Members : 8 points
A very poor showing for the English, but aren't the fans taking it well? As is so often the case for the English it's a bottom five finish. Would Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark have done any better? We'll never know.
=22. Scotland - The Proclaimers : 8 points
Shockingly poor result for one of the favourites of the competition, and look the Scottish fans have come all the way to Wembley Stadium to protest about it.
20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - : 9 points
Shock in rural Ireland as their favourite sons go down to a heavy defeat. Father Ted unavailable for comment due to being, err, dead.
19. Spain - Las Ketchup : 13 points
There's Don Flamenco. Noted Spanish boxer and Nintendo character. He's not at all pleased but did stop to tell us that it's not his fault that his country have produced bugger all decent pop artists.
18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban : 18 points
A poor result for the singing dentist from the land of the Tulip.
17. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - : 21 points
Poor result for the sleaziest Frenchman ever born. His understudy, however, has found time to chat up a young girl in Serge's honor. The great man himself did have time to give this victory speech from beyond the grave.
16. Romania - Enigma : 24 points
It's over to Bucharest, where they haven't had much to smile about since the fall of Ceacescu, and that won't change tonight as the song that a million babies was concieved to fails to finish in the top half. Food rationing for all.
=14. Norway - A-ha : 25 points
Shocking scenes in Oslo where everybody asks "Surely we'd won if they'd picked Take On Me". Well, that's not the way it works kids.
=14. Portugal - Rui Da Silva : 25 points
Obscure artist in 'better than expected' shock. Portuguese national football team said to be "thrilled" at being included due to the lack of any actual Portugal related stereotypes than didn't involve Angolans and machine guns.
13. East Germany - Nina Hagen : 27 points
Wild scenes in East Berlin! The hometown girl has beaten almost half of Europe and they're jumping for joy!
12. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey : 31 points
News just in from Belfast, TISM have been recruited to fill this slot next year.
11. Moldova - O-Zone : 34 points
Possibly anti-Numa Numa backlash causes best foreign bubblegum language pop song of the millenium to fail to crack the top ten. This young lady's not too concerned though, all she's worried about is having to go back there.
10. Austria - Falco : 35 points
It's Don't Turn Around, Der Koroner's in town for the Austrian Eurovision tilt this year.
=6. Italy - Albert One : 38 points
Even massive corruption and gangland activity couldn't drive this porky italo disco classic to top spot. The above gentleman are working on an entry which we hope to be seeing in 25-40 years.
=6. Denmark - Aqua : 38 points
Strangely these guys don't seem to be that concerned about Denmark's failure.
=6. Iceland - The Sugarcubes : 38 points
Music by Bjork, jumpers by Daryl Somers. Strong result for the eccentric, and suddenly bankrupt, island nation.
=6. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand : 38 points
Nobody knows what a Belgian looks like, so we invited his Royal Majesty King Albert II to do the honours. He said in a statement "France, Belgium and Germany - suck on this"
5. West Germany - The Real McCoy : 40 points
Celebrations and drunken slurring all around for the highest finish of the "big four" nations. Clearly a more crowd pleasing choice than the semi-final runner up "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions.
4. Switzerland - DJ Otzi : 43 points
Strange things happen when you Google Image search for the Swiss Navy.
3. Wales - Catatonia : 46 points
No, it's not a late entry from the Black and White Minstrel Show. Because that, unlike showing pictures of Moldovan prostitutes, would be racist. No, it's just some Welsh miners showing their glee at finishing in the coveted third position on the night.
2. Russia - TATU : 52 points
The world loves sleaze, and even better if it involves a pair of schoolgirls! This is such a popular result that Russia's greatest musical exports (even though they were from Germany) couldn't help but stop in and pay their tribute. Quoth the lead singer "AHAHAHAHA! HEY!"
And that only leaves one. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of Fantasy Eurovision 2009. You guessed it;
1. Sweden - Roxette : 55 points
And if you thought you had sat through 22 other acts just to see some scantily clad Swedish women writhing in celebration then you were wrong.
Let's get them out here for one more round of the winning song. Per and Marie, you crazy - and yes, hot - kids. Get out here now.
Right, that's it for this year. Direct your lawsuits to Channel 10 c/o Wobbies World Nunawading. Shall we go out on a song? Right lads and ladettes, let's hear it. Goodnight Europe.
"Ere, I'm back. You know last week after the show I walked into a bar. Didn't 'alf 'urt. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, let's get on with it. Me mother in law is outside and she'll just die if I don't take her for a walk. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, if you want to recap the acts one more time go here. Otherwise as the results come in we'll be joined by some often casually racist stereotypes for their reactions. Are you ready? Well let's start with last, because they're the furthest away from first."
23. Greece - Diamanda Galas : 0 points
Deep shock and resentment there in Athens. The selection committee will surely now be wondering if they should have gone for Yanni and his blistering synth pop moustache instead of a wailing crazy woman.
=22. England - The Members : 8 points
A very poor showing for the English, but aren't the fans taking it well? As is so often the case for the English it's a bottom five finish. Would Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark have done any better? We'll never know.
=22. Scotland - The Proclaimers : 8 points
Shockingly poor result for one of the favourites of the competition, and look the Scottish fans have come all the way to Wembley Stadium to protest about it.
20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - : 9 points
Shock in rural Ireland as their favourite sons go down to a heavy defeat. Father Ted unavailable for comment due to being, err, dead.
19. Spain - Las Ketchup : 13 points
There's Don Flamenco. Noted Spanish boxer and Nintendo character. He's not at all pleased but did stop to tell us that it's not his fault that his country have produced bugger all decent pop artists.
18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban : 18 points
A poor result for the singing dentist from the land of the Tulip.
17. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - : 21 points
Poor result for the sleaziest Frenchman ever born. His understudy, however, has found time to chat up a young girl in Serge's honor. The great man himself did have time to give this victory speech from beyond the grave.
16. Romania - Enigma : 24 points
It's over to Bucharest, where they haven't had much to smile about since the fall of Ceacescu, and that won't change tonight as the song that a million babies was concieved to fails to finish in the top half. Food rationing for all.
=14. Norway - A-ha : 25 points
Shocking scenes in Oslo where everybody asks "Surely we'd won if they'd picked Take On Me". Well, that's not the way it works kids.
=14. Portugal - Rui Da Silva : 25 points
Obscure artist in 'better than expected' shock. Portuguese national football team said to be "thrilled" at being included due to the lack of any actual Portugal related stereotypes than didn't involve Angolans and machine guns.
13. East Germany - Nina Hagen : 27 points
Wild scenes in East Berlin! The hometown girl has beaten almost half of Europe and they're jumping for joy!
12. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey : 31 points
News just in from Belfast, TISM have been recruited to fill this slot next year.
11. Moldova - O-Zone : 34 points
Possibly anti-Numa Numa backlash causes best foreign bubblegum language pop song of the millenium to fail to crack the top ten. This young lady's not too concerned though, all she's worried about is having to go back there.
10. Austria - Falco : 35 points
It's Don't Turn Around, Der Koroner's in town for the Austrian Eurovision tilt this year.
=6. Italy - Albert One : 38 points
Even massive corruption and gangland activity couldn't drive this porky italo disco classic to top spot. The above gentleman are working on an entry which we hope to be seeing in 25-40 years.
=6. Denmark - Aqua : 38 points
Strangely these guys don't seem to be that concerned about Denmark's failure.
=6. Iceland - The Sugarcubes : 38 points
Music by Bjork, jumpers by Daryl Somers. Strong result for the eccentric, and suddenly bankrupt, island nation.
=6. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand : 38 points
Nobody knows what a Belgian looks like, so we invited his Royal Majesty King Albert II to do the honours. He said in a statement "France, Belgium and Germany - suck on this"
5. West Germany - The Real McCoy : 40 points
Celebrations and drunken slurring all around for the highest finish of the "big four" nations. Clearly a more crowd pleasing choice than the semi-final runner up "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions.
4. Switzerland - DJ Otzi : 43 points
Strange things happen when you Google Image search for the Swiss Navy.
3. Wales - Catatonia : 46 points
No, it's not a late entry from the Black and White Minstrel Show. Because that, unlike showing pictures of Moldovan prostitutes, would be racist. No, it's just some Welsh miners showing their glee at finishing in the coveted third position on the night.
2. Russia - TATU : 52 points
The world loves sleaze, and even better if it involves a pair of schoolgirls! This is such a popular result that Russia's greatest musical exports (even though they were from Germany) couldn't help but stop in and pay their tribute. Quoth the lead singer "AHAHAHAHA! HEY!"
And that only leaves one. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of Fantasy Eurovision 2009. You guessed it;
1. Sweden - Roxette : 55 points
And if you thought you had sat through 22 other acts just to see some scantily clad Swedish women writhing in celebration then you were wrong.
Let's get them out here for one more round of the winning song. Per and Marie, you crazy - and yes, hot - kids. Get out here now.
Right, that's it for this year. Direct your lawsuits to Channel 10 c/o Wobbies World Nunawading. Shall we go out on a song? Right lads and ladettes, let's hear it. Goodnight Europe.
Monday, 25 May 2009
TSP is your Geographical Connection
What do you think the meeting was like when they named the Central African Republic?
"We need a name for a republic that's in the centre of Africa"
*Out come the bottles of champagne*
Yes kids, African history is that simple. Of course our friends from Bangui went on to ruin things with some very dubious behaviour,
Between 17 April and 19 April a number of elementary school students were arrested after they had protested against wearing the expensive, government-required school uniforms. Around one hundred were killed. Bokassa allegedly participated in the massacre, beating some of the children to death with his cane.
Write into the 50/50 column and suggest that as an alternative to national service for the kids. Joy Buttress from Dromana would.
"We need a name for a republic that's in the centre of Africa"
*Out come the bottles of champagne*
Yes kids, African history is that simple. Of course our friends from Bangui went on to ruin things with some very dubious behaviour,
Between 17 April and 19 April a number of elementary school students were arrested after they had protested against wearing the expensive, government-required school uniforms. Around one hundred were killed. Bokassa allegedly participated in the massacre, beating some of the children to death with his cane.
Write into the 50/50 column and suggest that as an alternative to national service for the kids. Joy Buttress from Dromana would.
Armpit vs Deodorant
Surely nobody seriously expected to win this. All week the talk 'around the traps' (i.e forums and pissed blokes in pubs) was how we were a huge chance of knocking them over and how it was a danger game for the Hawks. Danger my arse. They might not be the same well-oiled killing machine that they were last year, and they might have been whacked fiercly with the injury stick, but they're still a much better side than we are.
Honourable losses galore are lovely but it doesn't bridge the gap in class, and doesn't compensate for a forward line matchup featuring two guys who have kicked 54 goals between them. Especially considering our entire squad has only kicked 90 between them in the same time frame. And that's why we were never going to win this game.
And of course we didn't. Again. How many more times can I write the same report before I just start cutting and pasting with altered names and votes?
At least there were signs (oh really? Tell us something we haven't heard every week). Colin freaking Sylvia went absolutely bananas for one, The Stefan Martin Experience went forward with promising results and Rivers and Warnock managed to contain the goalkicking machines in the second half.
Despite the vast gulf in class there was a point in the middle of the first quarter when we were playing well and could have taken the lead. We were winning out of the centre, Robertson had got the first from his third criminal free kick in two weeks (welcome back gifts at tax deductible) and Davey had a set shot from pretty much straight in front to give us the lead. He misses, Hawthorn start to dominate the middle, they kick the next four and it's effectively over.
At times it seemed like the Hawks got bored of playing and tried to indulge themselves in a "Goal of the Year" contest instead. First Bateman tried to dribble one through from 30m out on the boundary line and almost got away with it, the in the second quarter Rioli took a handball from a diving player, did a 360 degree spin that practically left our guy flat on his arse before hitting the post. May I remind those of you who frantically whop off over top 5 draft picks that he was a #12 pick and dominates on a weekly basis. According to the pissweak AFL website highlights neither of these were considered good enough to make it. Laughable - more on that later.
Speaking of things were in the "of the year" file we come to Russell Robertson. The mark? Probably a top 10 or 20 contender. The blooper? Every possible chance of taking home the Lada Samara at the end of the year. He takes a great mark in the square, and while lying flat on the ground he farcically tries to kick it through. Gary Moss (should I know who this is? Why is anyone called Gary in the 21st century?) says "I'll have that", grabs it out of mid-air and we don't even get a point out of it. Think of Jamar trying to play on in the square against Essendon last year and botching it - then multiply it by 50. At least Jamar got a point.
I'd been pro-Robbo this season up until that point but there's never been any moment more worthy of turning on somebody over. He got a couple of goals but that will go down in the top 5 of the lowest moments in our wilderness years.
The rest of our forward line wasn't offering much either. Martin was trying hard but couldn't get near it, Maric was looking good playing up the ground, Petterd was all at sea and Bate was trying hard with no support at all. Miller, especially, was having one of his worst games in years. Right from the first quarter where he could have had a flying shot at goal but decided to piss around with it he was totally devoid of any confidence. For somebody who has come from the brink of uselessness to be a key player in the last couple of years he was rubbish. Needs to stop thinking so much and be a bit more selfish. We know we're not going to win anything, nobody's going to have a go for a couple of snaps that sneak through for a point.
Half time led to one of the most undignified displays since Football Park played sex music over footage of grannies. I know there's $5000 on the line but does anyone with half a brain really ever involve themselves in those competitions where you have to wave something in the air for the cameras? For one you may as well not bother if you're male because women always win it, and two have some dignity and not be another whore at the capitalist gangbang waving some corporate logo around over your head for a one in 25,000 chance at cash and prizes. You may as well go to New Orleans during Spring Break and bap out for the Girls Gone Wild cameras.
Erm, anyway - moving on. With a massacre on the cards and Franklin/Roughead (Roughlin? Frankhead?) having seven between them Frawley was given an honourable discharge from the battle and replaced with Rivers. JR then kept him goalless in one of the better 3 possession performances you're likely to see. Warnock also did a good job on Roughead and kept him scoreless. Unfortunately they have goalkicking options up the wazoo so stopping them just means more quality time for everyone else, but at least it didn't develop into the full scale slaughter that it promised late in the second quarter.
Random Thought
At what point was anybody going to realise that Hawthorn spent the entire game switching the play diagonally across the ground? Even I, the least informed analyst of all time, could see it.
Stef Martin was an interesting one in the forward line. During the first half he didn't get near it, but in the second he started to come alive. Two goals, including a hot snap from the boundary line, made it a worthwhile experiment. I only hope that it's left as an experiment and he doesn't end up as a Miller 04-06/Petterd/Dunn type player who gets shuffled around every five seconds until they completely lose the plot. At least switch it around and give us the Rivers in the forward-line tilt that we've been dying to see ever since he bagged a couple against the Pies a few years ago.
Speaking of Petterd and Dunn do you think they get together at training and wonder if they're being persecuted for having bizarre first names (watch out Cale, Stefan and Austin). Both of them get shuffled around every week, never left in one place and, in Dunn's case, dropped on a whim. I like Petterd but is there any point in playing him next week - Queensland homecoming angle aside - if he's not actually going to get any sort of role other than wandering aimlessly in the forward line?
Shame that Gold Coast isn't coming in next year, because you may as well try and wrench a few draft picks out of them for these guys rather than just burying them in mediocrity. Dunn especially I'm concerned about - every time he's played forward he's shown promise but after his first season he's never been left there. I'd much rather he do what Petterd is doing now, but neither of them seem to figure greatly in anyone's plans. Shame. Who wants to bet on Dunn being the next person to join the Clay Sampson "Sacked by Melbourne, wins a flag elsewhere" Club?
Johnson was solid throughout. He's improved greatly since he's been the lone ruckman (SME cameos aside). Doesn't mean we shouldn't bring Jamar back next week - and did you ever think you'd hear me say that? - but he still deserves a thumbs up for his performances since the tragic loss of Meesen Magic. Unfortunate not to sneak into the votes for the third consecutive week.
When the Hawks kicked the first two goals of the 3rd quarter to blow the lead out to +50 points it looked like things were going to get absolutely craptacular. Sylvia got our first from a running set shot - I think even he's realised that he can't kick one off a normal run-up under any sort of pressure. Then he crumbed one (CRUMB! CRUMB! CRUMB!) and snapped another for three in a row to add to his otherwise sensational work around the ground. Easily the best of his 78 games so far.
They got the margin back out again but going into the last quarter
two players down with injury they put the shutters up early. We got a few goals (including the SME's hot snap), to the point where only the truly neurotic are even slightly tense about losing, and suddenly they were chipping it around in one of the ponciest displays ever seen. Even their own fans were booing them, which is odd.
First thought was "I withdraw going for them in the Grand Final last year. Bring back Geelong etc.." but I suppose once you've necked yourself for four quarters you're hardly going to indulge in some pointless last minute contests just to keep the crowd interested. They did deign to involve themselves in some pointless last minute brawling though, which was nice. I'm still waiting for one of our fringe players to properly clock somebody though. Morton fired up a bit in the scuffles - surely one day he's going to make all our dreams come true, and all future Morton family gatherings awkward, by giving one of his brothers a right hook to the head.
Second thought is for fucks sake Melbourne man up and stop them doing it. Then you remember that they've been out there for four quarters as well and probably can't be bothered running anymore either. Easy enough for us fatties in the stands I suppose, would be different being out there. The only problem is that even in close games we don't stop teams doing it.
We did get a goal out of the chaos when Sylvia got a 50 after being whacked in the head in the marking contest. Nothing more in it that a stray hand trying to spoil but presumably the tribunal will give Muston a 25 game suspension to try and entice a few more 4WD owners into letting their kids play the sport.
So, we barely deserved to get that close - and line punters everywhere were probably throwing bricks at their televisions - but we certainly deserved to avoid being blown out of the water. Like most games this year we'll take it and look to the future.
Web Watch
The AFL website would have to be one of the worst in international sports. Try watching highlights videos on it. I got through the first half in one browser, at which point it would re-direct me - no matter what I chose - to another Big Pond video website for overseas customers that you not only needed a subscription to but couldn't view in Australia. So, I switched to another browser where halfway through the 2nd half highlights an ad came on from which it refused to return. It's an embarassment of a set-up that we're subjected to year after year while they pocket they ad money from the continual reloads.
Then there's the insistance that if it wasn't a goal then it didn't happen. Can you seriously tell me with a straight face that Bateman and Rioli's near goals or Robertson's blooper weren't highlights? I don't expect them to show punch-ups but for god's sake give us something. Imagine being somebody from overseas who wants to know what happened on the weekend. Good luck unless you subscribe to their premium service - even then it's full games or bastardised highlights.
Crowd Watch
Sat in the Olympic Stand for a quick exit. Surrounded by Hawthorn fans including a family of complete knobs behind us who couldn't be bothered controlling their kids. One of the little bastards wouldn't shut up for the entire half - I don't know what they did to him at half time but he appeared heavily sedated from then on. Of course just as the kid started being quiet they located a family friend to join them who was - of course - 'challenged'. Cue a half of "GO THE HAWKERS" every five seconds. Better than the kid because he didn't alternate yelling things with kicking me in the back.
Oh for a "child free" zone at the football. An idiot free zone (yes, Hawthorn nonce with a tea-cosy on his head giving it large at the final siren, I'm talking about you) would be too much to ask, but can we at least hand out free Gameboys or something so the little freaks can amuse themselves until they actually understand the game.
2009 Allen Jakovich Medal
Probably the biggest gap between the 5 and 4 votes in history. Where has this Colin Sylvia been hiding for the past few years?
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - Cameron Bruce
3 - Brad Green
2 - Stefan Martin
1 - Jared Rivers
Apologies to Maric, Johnson, Whelan, Warnock, Davey, McLean, Jones, Johnson and McDonald just for losing his rag in the third quarter.
Leaderboard
18 - Aaron Davey
17 - Brent Moloney
11 - Brad Green
10 - Nathan Jones
8 - Brock McLean, James Frawley (LEADER: 2009 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Colin Sylvia
7 - Brad Miller, Cameron Bruce, Stefan Martin
5 - Kyle Cheney (LEADER: 2009 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
6 - Cale Morton
4 - Matthew Warnock, Jamie Bennell
3 - Matthew Bate, Ricky Petterd, Russell Robertson, Jared Rivers
2 - James McDonald
1 - Lynden Dunn
Next Week
You'd expect that St. Kilda would smash us, even though it is at the wildcard venue Carrara, but given the way we've managed to avoid getting murdered by the three best teams of last year in consecutive weeks (though it was a close run thing tonight) we just might be able to avoid copping a massive backhander in this one. Besides, all the interest will be in the following week when even the dickless pro-tank brigade will be cheering on a win against the Collingwood filth.
Next Year
McDonald, Whelan, Wheatley, Robertson. Who stays and who goes?
I'd say Wheatley is probably done for - he's not the worst player ever but he doesn't really add much to a rebuilding side. If he's lucky he might sneak into an established side in the pre-season. Definately deserves games in the second half of the year though, has been a good servant. Morton, wasted as he is in the backline, is doing his job with 100% better efficiency.
McDonald and Whelan aren't exactly the future but I'm not going to try and axe either of them. Have both been great players and deserve to go one more year (two in Whelan's case) if they want. Whelan's tackle on Franklin is enough to convince me that even in a world featuring Cheney and Bennell that he's got a role to play.
Robertson is the interesting one. Blooper aside he's filling a role at the moment. One or two goals a week, he kicks 30 for the year and what have we lost? If there was somebody else desperately pushing for the same spot I'd say he was in danger but the fact is there isn't and even if we're going to get rumbled every week we still need to kick goals to avoid thrashings. Unless we're going to trade for a forward, or somebody like Watts comes on big-time in the second half of the year I think he can go around for one more next year with the disclaimer that he might not make it until R22.
Interesting it seems a lot of people have turned on him in the last few weeks. Has always been a polarising player - except for the two or three years of his prime when he was running riot - but recently there's been a lot of hate directed his way. Even before last night. Meh, I'm philosophical about the whole thing. He's a bigger star amongst housewives than he is on a footy field these days but good luck to him, we're hardly pressing for the finals so let him do his own thing and give him a crack next year with the big "fire up or get the train to Cranbourne" disclaimer.
Procedural Announcement
I'm massively burnt out from writing about loss after loss, so next week I'm taking the now traditional Demonblog mid-season break. Last year it was overseas, this year it's in my loungeroom. So, first in first served if you want to write the St. Kilda game. As usual you can do whatever you like as long as you give the votes. Email to Supermercado -> demonblog.com or PM on Big Footy.
Honourable losses galore are lovely but it doesn't bridge the gap in class, and doesn't compensate for a forward line matchup featuring two guys who have kicked 54 goals between them. Especially considering our entire squad has only kicked 90 between them in the same time frame. And that's why we were never going to win this game.
And of course we didn't. Again. How many more times can I write the same report before I just start cutting and pasting with altered names and votes?
At least there were signs (oh really? Tell us something we haven't heard every week). Colin freaking Sylvia went absolutely bananas for one, The Stefan Martin Experience went forward with promising results and Rivers and Warnock managed to contain the goalkicking machines in the second half.
Despite the vast gulf in class there was a point in the middle of the first quarter when we were playing well and could have taken the lead. We were winning out of the centre, Robertson had got the first from his third criminal free kick in two weeks (welcome back gifts at tax deductible) and Davey had a set shot from pretty much straight in front to give us the lead. He misses, Hawthorn start to dominate the middle, they kick the next four and it's effectively over.
At times it seemed like the Hawks got bored of playing and tried to indulge themselves in a "Goal of the Year" contest instead. First Bateman tried to dribble one through from 30m out on the boundary line and almost got away with it, the in the second quarter Rioli took a handball from a diving player, did a 360 degree spin that practically left our guy flat on his arse before hitting the post. May I remind those of you who frantically whop off over top 5 draft picks that he was a #12 pick and dominates on a weekly basis. According to the pissweak AFL website highlights neither of these were considered good enough to make it. Laughable - more on that later.
Speaking of things were in the "of the year" file we come to Russell Robertson. The mark? Probably a top 10 or 20 contender. The blooper? Every possible chance of taking home the Lada Samara at the end of the year. He takes a great mark in the square, and while lying flat on the ground he farcically tries to kick it through. Gary Moss (should I know who this is? Why is anyone called Gary in the 21st century?) says "I'll have that", grabs it out of mid-air and we don't even get a point out of it. Think of Jamar trying to play on in the square against Essendon last year and botching it - then multiply it by 50. At least Jamar got a point.
I'd been pro-Robbo this season up until that point but there's never been any moment more worthy of turning on somebody over. He got a couple of goals but that will go down in the top 5 of the lowest moments in our wilderness years.
The rest of our forward line wasn't offering much either. Martin was trying hard but couldn't get near it, Maric was looking good playing up the ground, Petterd was all at sea and Bate was trying hard with no support at all. Miller, especially, was having one of his worst games in years. Right from the first quarter where he could have had a flying shot at goal but decided to piss around with it he was totally devoid of any confidence. For somebody who has come from the brink of uselessness to be a key player in the last couple of years he was rubbish. Needs to stop thinking so much and be a bit more selfish. We know we're not going to win anything, nobody's going to have a go for a couple of snaps that sneak through for a point.
Half time led to one of the most undignified displays since Football Park played sex music over footage of grannies. I know there's $5000 on the line but does anyone with half a brain really ever involve themselves in those competitions where you have to wave something in the air for the cameras? For one you may as well not bother if you're male because women always win it, and two have some dignity and not be another whore at the capitalist gangbang waving some corporate logo around over your head for a one in 25,000 chance at cash and prizes. You may as well go to New Orleans during Spring Break and bap out for the Girls Gone Wild cameras.
Erm, anyway - moving on. With a massacre on the cards and Franklin/Roughead (Roughlin? Frankhead?) having seven between them Frawley was given an honourable discharge from the battle and replaced with Rivers. JR then kept him goalless in one of the better 3 possession performances you're likely to see. Warnock also did a good job on Roughead and kept him scoreless. Unfortunately they have goalkicking options up the wazoo so stopping them just means more quality time for everyone else, but at least it didn't develop into the full scale slaughter that it promised late in the second quarter.
Random Thought
At what point was anybody going to realise that Hawthorn spent the entire game switching the play diagonally across the ground? Even I, the least informed analyst of all time, could see it.
Stef Martin was an interesting one in the forward line. During the first half he didn't get near it, but in the second he started to come alive. Two goals, including a hot snap from the boundary line, made it a worthwhile experiment. I only hope that it's left as an experiment and he doesn't end up as a Miller 04-06/Petterd/Dunn type player who gets shuffled around every five seconds until they completely lose the plot. At least switch it around and give us the Rivers in the forward-line tilt that we've been dying to see ever since he bagged a couple against the Pies a few years ago.
Speaking of Petterd and Dunn do you think they get together at training and wonder if they're being persecuted for having bizarre first names (watch out Cale, Stefan and Austin). Both of them get shuffled around every week, never left in one place and, in Dunn's case, dropped on a whim. I like Petterd but is there any point in playing him next week - Queensland homecoming angle aside - if he's not actually going to get any sort of role other than wandering aimlessly in the forward line?
Shame that Gold Coast isn't coming in next year, because you may as well try and wrench a few draft picks out of them for these guys rather than just burying them in mediocrity. Dunn especially I'm concerned about - every time he's played forward he's shown promise but after his first season he's never been left there. I'd much rather he do what Petterd is doing now, but neither of them seem to figure greatly in anyone's plans. Shame. Who wants to bet on Dunn being the next person to join the Clay Sampson "Sacked by Melbourne, wins a flag elsewhere" Club?
Johnson was solid throughout. He's improved greatly since he's been the lone ruckman (SME cameos aside). Doesn't mean we shouldn't bring Jamar back next week - and did you ever think you'd hear me say that? - but he still deserves a thumbs up for his performances since the tragic loss of Meesen Magic. Unfortunate not to sneak into the votes for the third consecutive week.
When the Hawks kicked the first two goals of the 3rd quarter to blow the lead out to +50 points it looked like things were going to get absolutely craptacular. Sylvia got our first from a running set shot - I think even he's realised that he can't kick one off a normal run-up under any sort of pressure. Then he crumbed one (CRUMB! CRUMB! CRUMB!) and snapped another for three in a row to add to his otherwise sensational work around the ground. Easily the best of his 78 games so far.
They got the margin back out again but going into the last quarter
two players down with injury they put the shutters up early. We got a few goals (including the SME's hot snap), to the point where only the truly neurotic are even slightly tense about losing, and suddenly they were chipping it around in one of the ponciest displays ever seen. Even their own fans were booing them, which is odd.
First thought was "I withdraw going for them in the Grand Final last year. Bring back Geelong etc.." but I suppose once you've necked yourself for four quarters you're hardly going to indulge in some pointless last minute contests just to keep the crowd interested. They did deign to involve themselves in some pointless last minute brawling though, which was nice. I'm still waiting for one of our fringe players to properly clock somebody though. Morton fired up a bit in the scuffles - surely one day he's going to make all our dreams come true, and all future Morton family gatherings awkward, by giving one of his brothers a right hook to the head.
Second thought is for fucks sake Melbourne man up and stop them doing it. Then you remember that they've been out there for four quarters as well and probably can't be bothered running anymore either. Easy enough for us fatties in the stands I suppose, would be different being out there. The only problem is that even in close games we don't stop teams doing it.
We did get a goal out of the chaos when Sylvia got a 50 after being whacked in the head in the marking contest. Nothing more in it that a stray hand trying to spoil but presumably the tribunal will give Muston a 25 game suspension to try and entice a few more 4WD owners into letting their kids play the sport.
So, we barely deserved to get that close - and line punters everywhere were probably throwing bricks at their televisions - but we certainly deserved to avoid being blown out of the water. Like most games this year we'll take it and look to the future.
Web Watch
The AFL website would have to be one of the worst in international sports. Try watching highlights videos on it. I got through the first half in one browser, at which point it would re-direct me - no matter what I chose - to another Big Pond video website for overseas customers that you not only needed a subscription to but couldn't view in Australia. So, I switched to another browser where halfway through the 2nd half highlights an ad came on from which it refused to return. It's an embarassment of a set-up that we're subjected to year after year while they pocket they ad money from the continual reloads.
Then there's the insistance that if it wasn't a goal then it didn't happen. Can you seriously tell me with a straight face that Bateman and Rioli's near goals or Robertson's blooper weren't highlights? I don't expect them to show punch-ups but for god's sake give us something. Imagine being somebody from overseas who wants to know what happened on the weekend. Good luck unless you subscribe to their premium service - even then it's full games or bastardised highlights.
Crowd Watch
Sat in the Olympic Stand for a quick exit. Surrounded by Hawthorn fans including a family of complete knobs behind us who couldn't be bothered controlling their kids. One of the little bastards wouldn't shut up for the entire half - I don't know what they did to him at half time but he appeared heavily sedated from then on. Of course just as the kid started being quiet they located a family friend to join them who was - of course - 'challenged'. Cue a half of "GO THE HAWKERS" every five seconds. Better than the kid because he didn't alternate yelling things with kicking me in the back.
Oh for a "child free" zone at the football. An idiot free zone (yes, Hawthorn nonce with a tea-cosy on his head giving it large at the final siren, I'm talking about you) would be too much to ask, but can we at least hand out free Gameboys or something so the little freaks can amuse themselves until they actually understand the game.
2009 Allen Jakovich Medal
Probably the biggest gap between the 5 and 4 votes in history. Where has this Colin Sylvia been hiding for the past few years?
5 - Colin Sylvia
4 - Cameron Bruce
3 - Brad Green
2 - Stefan Martin
1 - Jared Rivers
Apologies to Maric, Johnson, Whelan, Warnock, Davey, McLean, Jones, Johnson and McDonald just for losing his rag in the third quarter.
Leaderboard
18 - Aaron Davey
17 - Brent Moloney
11 - Brad Green
10 - Nathan Jones
8 - Brock McLean, James Frawley (LEADER: 2009 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Colin Sylvia
7 - Brad Miller, Cameron Bruce, Stefan Martin
5 - Kyle Cheney (LEADER: 2009 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
6 - Cale Morton
4 - Matthew Warnock, Jamie Bennell
3 - Matthew Bate, Ricky Petterd, Russell Robertson, Jared Rivers
2 - James McDonald
1 - Lynden Dunn
Next Week
You'd expect that St. Kilda would smash us, even though it is at the wildcard venue Carrara, but given the way we've managed to avoid getting murdered by the three best teams of last year in consecutive weeks (though it was a close run thing tonight) we just might be able to avoid copping a massive backhander in this one. Besides, all the interest will be in the following week when even the dickless pro-tank brigade will be cheering on a win against the Collingwood filth.
Next Year
McDonald, Whelan, Wheatley, Robertson. Who stays and who goes?
I'd say Wheatley is probably done for - he's not the worst player ever but he doesn't really add much to a rebuilding side. If he's lucky he might sneak into an established side in the pre-season. Definately deserves games in the second half of the year though, has been a good servant. Morton, wasted as he is in the backline, is doing his job with 100% better efficiency.
McDonald and Whelan aren't exactly the future but I'm not going to try and axe either of them. Have both been great players and deserve to go one more year (two in Whelan's case) if they want. Whelan's tackle on Franklin is enough to convince me that even in a world featuring Cheney and Bennell that he's got a role to play.
Robertson is the interesting one. Blooper aside he's filling a role at the moment. One or two goals a week, he kicks 30 for the year and what have we lost? If there was somebody else desperately pushing for the same spot I'd say he was in danger but the fact is there isn't and even if we're going to get rumbled every week we still need to kick goals to avoid thrashings. Unless we're going to trade for a forward, or somebody like Watts comes on big-time in the second half of the year I think he can go around for one more next year with the disclaimer that he might not make it until R22.
Interesting it seems a lot of people have turned on him in the last few weeks. Has always been a polarising player - except for the two or three years of his prime when he was running riot - but recently there's been a lot of hate directed his way. Even before last night. Meh, I'm philosophical about the whole thing. He's a bigger star amongst housewives than he is on a footy field these days but good luck to him, we're hardly pressing for the finals so let him do his own thing and give him a crack next year with the big "fire up or get the train to Cranbourne" disclaimer.
Procedural Announcement
I'm massively burnt out from writing about loss after loss, so next week I'm taking the now traditional Demonblog mid-season break. Last year it was overseas, this year it's in my loungeroom. So, first in first served if you want to write the St. Kilda game. As usual you can do whatever you like as long as you give the votes. Email to Supermercado -> demonblog.com or PM on Big Footy.
Monday, 18 May 2009
Fantasy Eurovision 2009
(Dear readers,
Last night's Eurovision was as dull as you've come to expect. No novelty songs, no classics. I'll get around to doing a write up eventually, but in it's place we now cross to the England for a version special TSP interactive event...)
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wimbledon Greyhound Stadium for Europe's all time night of nights. Please welcome your host for the evening, the one and only
Ugly Dave Gray.
'ere thank you very much. You know, when they rang me up and offered me the chance to host this evening I told my wife and she turned to me and said "It's going to be a special occasion. I'd like you to put me in something long and flowing". So I threw her in the river. Boom Boom.
Anyway, on with the evening. The rules for Fantasy Eurovision are as follows;
* No matter if the singers carked it years ago. After all we've all died on stage at one point or another.
* No boring three minute limit for songs.
* In the event of more than one nominee being available for the nation then the participant has been randomly drawn.
Got that? Good. You know, on my way here tonight I walked past a couple a couple of flies. One looked down at the other and said "Don't look now, but your human's open" Ah ah ah ah ah ah.
Err anyway. Once you're done refreshing your memory of the classic hits contained within scroll down to the bottom to cast your vote in this important contest. Viewers across the world are hanging on the results.
Shall we all have a bit of a singalong then? Alright, let's have contestant #1
No, not that number one. This number one;
1. Switzerland - DJ Otzi "Hey Baby"
2. Wales - Catatonia "Road Rage"
3. East Germany - Nina Hagen "New York, NY"
4. Denmark - Aqua "Dr Jones"
5. Portugal - Rui Da Silva "Touch Me"
6. West Germany - The Real McCoy "Come and Get Your Love"
7. Italy - Albert One "Turbo Diesel"
8. Russia - TATU "All The Things She Said"
9. Iceland - The Sugarcubes "Birthday"
10. Moldova - O-Zone "Dragostea Din Tei"
11. Sweden - Roxette "Joyride"
12. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand "Ca Plane Pour Moi"
13. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey "A Good Heart"
14. England - The Members "Sound of the Suburbs"
15. Norway - A-ha "The Sun Only Shines On TV"
16. Greece - Diamanda Galas "Double Barrel Prayer"
17. Spain - Las Ketchup "The Ketchup Song"
18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban "Sing Hallelujah"
19. Austria - Falco "Der Kommissar"
20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - "Irish Rover"
21. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - "Bonny and Clyde"
22. Scotland - The Proclaimers "500 Miles"
23. Romania - Enigma "Sadeness Pt. 1"
Wasn't that marvellous?
Now for the most important part of the evening. Click here to cast your vote.
While you vote let's take a look at the act that the reason we're in majestic South London tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning champions - Cats UK
Results will be available after a decent period of reflection.
Last night's Eurovision was as dull as you've come to expect. No novelty songs, no classics. I'll get around to doing a write up eventually, but in it's place we now cross to the England for a version special TSP interactive event...)
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wimbledon Greyhound Stadium for Europe's all time night of nights. Please welcome your host for the evening, the one and only
Ugly Dave Gray.
'ere thank you very much. You know, when they rang me up and offered me the chance to host this evening I told my wife and she turned to me and said "It's going to be a special occasion. I'd like you to put me in something long and flowing". So I threw her in the river. Boom Boom.
Anyway, on with the evening. The rules for Fantasy Eurovision are as follows;
* No matter if the singers carked it years ago. After all we've all died on stage at one point or another.
* No boring three minute limit for songs.
* In the event of more than one nominee being available for the nation then the participant has been randomly drawn.
Got that? Good. You know, on my way here tonight I walked past a couple a couple of flies. One looked down at the other and said "Don't look now, but your human's open" Ah ah ah ah ah ah.
Err anyway. Once you're done refreshing your memory of the classic hits contained within scroll down to the bottom to cast your vote in this important contest. Viewers across the world are hanging on the results.
Shall we all have a bit of a singalong then? Alright, let's have contestant #1
No, not that number one. This number one;
1. Switzerland - DJ Otzi "Hey Baby"
2. Wales - Catatonia "Road Rage"
3. East Germany - Nina Hagen "New York, NY"
4. Denmark - Aqua "Dr Jones"
5. Portugal - Rui Da Silva "Touch Me"
6. West Germany - The Real McCoy "Come and Get Your Love"
7. Italy - Albert One "Turbo Diesel"
8. Russia - TATU "All The Things She Said"
9. Iceland - The Sugarcubes "Birthday"
10. Moldova - O-Zone "Dragostea Din Tei"
11. Sweden - Roxette "Joyride"
12. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand "Ca Plane Pour Moi"
13. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey "A Good Heart"
14. England - The Members "Sound of the Suburbs"
15. Norway - A-ha "The Sun Only Shines On TV"
16. Greece - Diamanda Galas "Double Barrel Prayer"
17. Spain - Las Ketchup "The Ketchup Song"
18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban "Sing Hallelujah"
19. Austria - Falco "Der Kommissar"
20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - "Irish Rover"
21. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - "Bonny and Clyde"
22. Scotland - The Proclaimers "500 Miles"
23. Romania - Enigma "Sadeness Pt. 1"
Wasn't that marvellous?
Now for the most important part of the evening. Click here to cast your vote.
While you vote let's take a look at the act that the reason we're in majestic South London tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning champions - Cats UK
Results will be available after a decent period of reflection.
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