Saturday, 13 December 2014

ARIA you ready - 2014 in review

I've not seriously followed the charts since 1999, a year that gave us the future classic Baby, One More Time and some unholy gash like Mambo #5 and Believe by Cher - the song that set vocal effects back a decade. It was a good time to stop caring, and 15 years later is as good a time as any to go back and pay attention again.

On that note I've gone back and listened to the 13 number one singles on the ARIA charts during 2014 so you don't have to. Unlucky for some, quite possibly me as I'm expecting them to be all complete rubbish - which conveniently ignores that no matter what era you grew up in and hold dear that the #1's were probably shithouse then too.

I'm not entirely sure how the charts work these days, but I'm told that it involves a mix of physical and digital sales - which is a long way from the days when you'd go to Brashs on Burke Road, Camberwell and peruse the cassingles but whatever. I'm surprised they haven't added streaming yet, but I'm sure it will go from its own chart to part of the mainstream countdown before long.

It didn't seem like a lot of #1's compared to last year's 18 but given that there were only 14 in 1990 and just nine in that extraordinarily ropey 1999 then it's not unreasonable - the difference was that it seems now songs are more likely to have multiple reigns at the top than just putting in a six week stint then plummeting out of the top 40. I'm not entirely comfortable with this, but I'm not exactly the music purchasing public am I? In fact I'm so far out of the key demographic that I sat here listening with headphones in so nobody would know what I was up to.

Pharrell Williams - Happy (Weeks commencing 6 January to 3 February, 17 February to 24 March, 7 April)


We open on what I presume will end up as the largest selling single of the year, and one that you could only have missed if you'd spent the entire year collecting guano on the Galapagos Islands. It seems almost pointless to include the video given how ubiquitous it was through the first six months of 2014.

Calling your song "Happy" is like calling it "Please like me", but it obviously takes more than a few generic postive messages to rack up 550 million YouTube views and the support of the Filipino prison population. The overall package delivers the goods, but you have to wonder if highly skilled music ninjas like Pharrell write songs like this out of the goodness of their own heart or because they're exploiting their knowledge about what will cause the entire world to dance like a gibbon and line their pockets with gold.

If this was part of a conspiracy then more power to him, because elements like telling people to clap along might have come straight out of the "how to have a hit single" manual but thousands of people every year are trying to write songs which dangle the world on a string like this and 99.9% of them fail miserably. On the other hand this is the sort of thing that will be played on Gold 104 in 2040 when the 60's, 70's and 80's have been traded to 3MP and Magic 1278's entire audience has died.

As shithouse a musical year it's been for me (and more on that in a later post) I wouldn't rate this amongst my favourite songs or go out of my way to listen to it, but as overplayed as even though familiarity eventually bred contempt and the inevitable backlash there is absolutely no doubt that was A. Good. Song and that Williams provided value for the enormous amounts of money he'd have made from it. Now for the slop.

A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera - Say Something (w/c 10 February)


The moment this started I realised that I have heard it before but tuned out immediately because it seemed best suited as music to slash your wrists to. That's by no means an instant disqualification for a song, but does the world really need another song for people looking wistfully out the window in the rain while pondering lost love. Couldn't they just do it Against All Odds by Phil Collins like people in the 80's? Perhaps not, but this royal flush certainly isn't the answer.

It went to #1, so depressed teenagers and jilted lovers must have gone wobbly for it at the time, but if I ever have to listen to it in full again I will do so from a fully drawn bath with a toaster in hand. Using the content of the video against the song is cheating, but even the earnest piano playing of the bloke at the start made me want to give up on this whole project. And that's before we even got to "old man loses wife" storyline. The whole thing is outrageous schmaltz.

It's the weediest performance by a male vocalist since the glory days of Hootie & The Blowfish, and even the presence of former hornbag and now aspiring torch singer Aguilera can't rescue it. There is no doubt this will be played ad nauseum at funerals over the next few years, and the upside for the dead is that they won't be able to hear it.

5 Seconds of Summer - She Looks So Perfect (31 March)

I know this lot by reputation only, a homemade One Direction who are causing various states of undress in girls far too young for that sort of thing (Pete Townsend has apparently offered to come over and get involved) and are in the process of making outrageous amounts of money.

This song's got all the bases of the target market covered, the New Radicals style "adults don't understand us" whinging (with the benefit of not being performed by a 29 year old man), lingering looks into the camera from Tank Top, T-Shirt and Madden Brothers Range Now On Sale at K-Mart so all the girls can think they might be the one and an opening few seconds that sounds like it was lifted straight out of a McDonalds ad. And cash registers everywhere did explode.

When the chorus came on I realised that I had heard this in the background about 500 times this year and had never once considered that it was done by anybody but Americans. Obviously the song and accompanying video are a naked grab at the lucrative US market but they've done a great job of hiding that they're not from Omaha, Nebraska. Anybody who's been paying attention in Australia (e.g. not me) would have known otherwise, but this tactic is quite rightly following the money.

Whether or not going full USA is to blame (and I've never heard any of their other songs so I can't compare) it does indeed provide an extremely catchy chorus, and overall a pleasant enough song to listen to. It's hardly fair to compare it to that Aguilera garbage above, but at least this won't make people run onto freeways (or 'highways' at 5SOS would no doubt call them) after listening. Will it be remembered in five years when they've split up and gone solo? Probably not, but it will bring the house down when it opens their 2024 reunion concert.

If you've only got a minute spare pretty much everything this has to offer is on show in the first 60 seconds, but I would declare it to be Completely Inoffensive Pop Music. There's no point hanging around for the rest of the song, but stay tuned to the video for the bit where everyone gets their clothes off because there is something for pretty much every taste (except Townsend) before the end. Maybe don't watch it on a train though.

Sheppard - Geronimo (14 April to 28 April)


This is one of only two entries on this list where I'd neither heard of the artist or song beforehand, but I'm not sure that Sheppard would be all that concerned considering they've been around the world racking up sales out of their arse without my help. Oddly enough about five seconds after I finished listening to this song I heard coming from the TV in the other room and rushed out to find that it was also the music to a Subway ad.

God only knows when the last time two Australian artists topped the singles charts in a row, but at least this lot aren't pretending to be Americans. It is quite a 'nice' song, and I could probably listen to it again. There's certainly nothing offensive about it, and if you're into that sort of thing the chorus would be good for yelling out, but it's not my cup of tea. I'm not sure what is these days, but this is all a bit Triple J Unearthed jangly and falsetto. What I will say is that if Coldplay had written this - and it sounds a bit like they should be involved - it would have sold 250 million copies.

It doesn't pass the Gold 2040 test, but is a far sight better than most of the slurry that has reached #1 in the last decade. According to Wikipedia it's the first #1 song ever recorded in Brisbane, which is either a fun fact or somebody taking advantage of anonymous editing to pissfart around.

Ed Sheeran - Sing (5 May) 


Blimey, it's Pharrell again. At this point you could probably release a single called Pharrell which has absolutely no involvement whatsoever from the man himself and you'd at least sneak into the top 40 based on downloads alone before anybody notices. In fact you and I should probably do that right now.

I'm sure Ed is a lovely guy (until somebody sends me a tabloid report of him kicking a tramp in the face), and he will make more money than I do in a year by breakfast but I just can't get interested in him. At least this song is less of a dirge about heroin addicted prostitutes and has a bit more life to it, but he's music's equivalent of John Cena, I can understand why he's popular but can't bring myself to participate.

Against the odds I quite enjoyed the first minute and a half of this before he started plucking his guitar and 'rapping' (am I showing my age?) which briefly sends it off the rails. Still, it's nice to see (as demonstrated in the video), that he's moved his focus from struggling sex workers on the street to "make it rain" style American strip clubs. That's progress. The subject of his first big song is probably dead in a laneway but he's moved onto hoovering gear off the buttocks of an Amazon. History is written by the winners.

I'm still waiting for Pharrell to show up 2m30s in, I know he turns up somewhere because the YouTube preview pic provided a special guest star spoiler. Oh, and there he is at 2m34s, contributing a few random slogans. That's all you need from him and you're straight in at #1 these days. He literally does nothing else except giving Ed the rub for American audiences by pointing to him in the video but that was obviously enough to put him on top here as well.

Other than the need to get some Pharrell pointing time into the clip Ed just goes around in circles for the last minute, so you can probably chop it back to 2.30 if you're programming a radio station and the news is coming up but overall it wasn't a bad package. The difference between his jangly falsetto and that of the Brisbane effort above was clearly that Ed's track has had a shitload of Hollywood fairy dust poured over it. Otherwise I'm not convinced they're all too far away from each.

On a related note I'm deeply suspicious of Ed's YouTube video descriptions where it's written as if he's uploaded it himself. I know they're trying to cultivate a man of the people image where he's Twitter mates with Warney but bollocks he's sitting there typing in "Here's my official music video for 'Sing' featuring the talented Pharrell Williams" himself.

Justice Crew - Que Sera (12 May to 7 July)


As with Pharrell's zillion singing single you can't just rely on catchphrases to get you to the top, but once you've got the sort of profile which means the radio will play your songs no matter what then it seems eminently sensible to me that you'd open the Big Book of Cliches, find one that nobody has put into song before then sit back and watch your bank account multiply several times over.

"At the end of the day, some you win, some you don't" is the ultimate motherhood statement, but once you hear this song you realise that it's such an obviously crowd pleasing line that it's criminal nobody else has used it in the past. It's another one that will be top of the Tobin Brothers charts, but will be significantly less painful for the survivors than that poodle haired ponce and his piano.

I'm sure I heard this on an ad for Winners and Losers at some point during the year, and it's telling that the opening line is what was used and not the standard chart-friendly hip-hop wankfest that it turns into after 30 seconds. That's when it lost me, but it's by no means a terrible song - just all tip and no iceberg. Luckily for them it's the tip that causes people to download (surely nobody's actually buying physical singles these days) and thus a commercial winner was born. I'd personally say 'no thanks' but the chart nerd in me (1988-1999) is happy enough to see this in the list of all time #1 singles.

The Madden Brothers - We Are Done (14 July to 21 July)


Unfamiliar with their career as Blink 182-lite 'punk rockers' I prefer my Madden Brothers for KFC ads and getting busted with gear in their hotel room. Perhaps my limited exposure to Good Charlotte (one song) led me to expect something else here, somebody with at least some token balls - not Chris Isaak in a warehouse with a backwards hat.

Good on them for trying something different but this has the twanging guitar sound of 1992 and a distinct lack of oomph. This is, like so many others from this year, inoffensive and as I trudged through it without enough interest to generate either love or hate it actually made me pine for a song like that piano fiasco about that I could really despise. I just there for 3m37s of twanging waiting for something else to happen. Other than a white-robed choir showing up and dancing about in the traditional manner it never did.

As pointed out by one sage person in the YouTube comments "They're worth millions, how much are you worth?" but the old "how many games have you played?" argument is always a total farce. None of us have ever voted on legislation before but it doesn't stop everyone from hanging shit on politicians 365 days a year.

Paloma Faith - Only Love Can Hurt Like This (28 July to 4 August)


Somebody's got to fill in for Adele while she's taking a break, and Paloma's here to meet all your wistful songstress needs. We'd all had enough of Adele after being force fed Someone Like You for months on end, but I think she did a far better job of this sort of thing than Paloma who sounds like she's doing a James Bond theme song out of the side her neck a'la Popeye.

There's a fair bit of softcore rutting in the video though in you're into that sort of thing, and that will probably be enough to keep you involved for the first two minutes before she unexpectedly switches gear and starts singing what I would call (in an unpopular way I'm sure) as "properly" instead of sounding like she's got somebody standing on her windpipe. Business picks up from there, but still don't we get this exact type of song about five times a year? There's no way anybody's still playing this in 2016 let alone 2040.

Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass (11 August to 25 August, 22 September)


I came up with the idea for this post yesterday afternoon after listening to Nova for 30 minutes in the car. Usually I'd avoid FM like the plague but sometimes you've got to be a reasonable husband and not subject your beloved to ABC Newsradio's live coverage of the Senate.

On that drive I was introduced to this song for the first time, having never heard of it or Meghan in my life despite it being #1 four months ago. Until that moment, somewhere between Rye and Portsea, I thought that 1998's Addicted To Bass featuring that bird who has never been heard from again was my most hated most hated song referencing frequency tones, but suddenly a new contender has emerged.

I'll put the video, which I'm sure is being deliberately post-modern by presenting a 'club' song in what looks like the offices of Fashion Police, to one side and concentrate on the track itself which is - I'm pleased to say for the sake of this list - pure white-hot horror. Right off the bat Meaghan is keen to let you know she's got a larger than average caboose and is loving it. I didn't realise this yesterday and I still hated the track.

Yay body empowerment and flaunting your assets but this is presented in such an irritating twee fashion that it falls well short of it's clear goal of being this decade's feminine response to Baby Got Back and instead represents squeaky, cynically written junk which is quickly headed to the Jill Sobule Memorial Graveyard for Novelty Ladysongs. Never again I beg of you.

Taylor Swift - Shake It Off (1 September to 15 September)


Now, in case you think I'm just being a bitter old crank I would like to point out that this is an absolute screamer and by some distance my favourite of all the #1's of the year. I'd probably have lost interest had I heard it at any time before yesterday when it was no doubt being flogged 27 times on every radio station in the country up to an including Radio National, but with the benefit of it all being new to me I think it's ace.

If you've already got a high profile putting the word "shake" in your song title brings the chances of it being a top five hit into about $1.01, but for once the best bits are actually what passes for verses in 2014 rather than the chorus. The random mid-song 'rap' (oh dear, there we go again) brings the whole thing to a screaming halt for a few precious seconds, but I've got no doubt that there are people in nightclubs singing along to that bit for word-for-word so what do I know?

I put it to you that Taylor is the only artist on this list other than Pharrell who will be getting played at Doncaster Over 28's in 15 years time, and that this is what they'll be dropping at midnight to encourage a room full of today's 18 year olds (yes, you will be old like me eventually) to get busy in a dark corner before retreating to the carpark to continue the fun.

This song has the same sort of timeless vibe as 90% of the Justin Timberlake solo songs or the early Lady Gaga ones before she started wearing meat and I am confident in declaring in a future classic. It not only passes the Gold 2040 test, it practically sets it. Sounds big, is big.

The Veronicas - You Ruin Me (29 September to 13 October)


The what? Who knew The Veronicas were still an going concern. Are Madison Avenue coming back too? It seems they're still plowing the same territory as they were the last time around - friends are good, men (formerly boys) are yuck etc.. but that's how you sell 'records' (old) so good luck to them. The difference now is that it's sensitive piano ballardry rather than girlpower high fives in a variety of colourful costumes.

This makes a far better fist of the torch-song than anything Christina Aguilera has been involved with this year (if ever) but as highly technically proficient as the whole thing appears to be it's all a bit bland for my liking.

Ed Sheeran - Thinking Out Loud (20 October to 17 November)


Speaking of bland "Here's my official video for 'Thinking Out Loud', I learnt to dance!" says 'Ed' in the YouTube description, and it does what it says on the packet. In fact this couldn't suggest "do your first wedding dance to this" any more stridently unless it had subliminal messages and Blurred Lines style slogans flashing across the screen in the middle of the video.

It would be easy to assume that Ed's second #1 of the year was as the direct result of his appearance at the AFL Grand Final on 27 September, but considering an entire nation went to the kitchen to get chips when Tom Jones wasn't on I'm not sure it really helped. Did he sing this at the MCG? Who would know, other than that brief diversion into Hollywood earlier in the year all his songs sound exactly the same.

Unless you have actually just tied the knot, are intending to very soon or are shedding a tear at thwarted love there is very little in this song for you but while it might not be a solid gold classic it will be on high rotation at SmoothFM until it's the last song ever heard as a meteor hits the earth. I don't love it, I'm not sure I even like it but I can't bring myself to hate it. Not sure it really needed to go five minutes though, there would have to be a furious radio edit which omits at least two minutes.

Taylor Swift - Blank Space (24 November to the end of time)


A title which would appropriately describe what you'd be seeing here if I'd had to write about my knowledge of this song before today. On first listen it's not got anywhere near the outrageous thump of her other track, but it's still another win in a career defining hot-streak that has probably left her atop the rankings of all solo female artists (Meghan Trainor is currently in 2.4 millionth place). Apparently she's the first woman in history to replace herself at the top of the US singles charts, which is huge when you consider the likes of Madonna and... err.. Shania Twain (?) who have had similar 'best in the world' runs of various durations.

What I like about this is that while the lyrics are clearly dripping with cynicism it doesn't get in the way of the big sound. When you're rolling in it like she is you can obviously afford the best of everything, but compared to some of the songs above it sounds as if it's been rolled out of a Hollywood movie set, not recorded on an iPhone in somebody's basement.

Does it pass the Gold 2040 test? Does it what, this will be on the top line with Timberlake when I'm old and grey. I personally prefer her other song for the novelty aspects but this is what 'pop' music should be, not some git plinking away at a piano on a darkened stage making us all want to stick our head in a vat of toxic waste.

Taylor Swift, whoever you are, thanks for saving chart music in 2014.

Friday, 14 November 2014

FM2015 Australian Edit (Draft)

Every club in the AU database into one league structure. Done mainly via reputation in the editor, possibility of some clubs being replicated but no doubt it will threaten to crash if I don't fill the state leagues so the bottom few divisions might get the boot anyway.

To come: Cups galore, promotion relegation structures etc.. I've basically just played $50 for the editor and the game comes second. Let the good times roll.

A-League

1 - Melbourne Victory
2 - Sydney
3 - Melbourne City
4 - West Sydney
5 - Brisbane
6 - Central Coast
7 - Adelaide
8 - Newcastle
9 - Perth
10 - Wellington
11 - South Melbourne
12 - Sydney United
13 - Sydney Olympic
14 - Melbourne Knights
15 - Marconi
16 - Adelaide City
17 - APIA Tigers
18 - Brisbane Strikers
19 - South Coast Wolves
20 - Auckland City

B-League

1 - Rockdale City
2 - Dandenong Thunder
3 - Hume City
4 - Olympic FC
5 - Oakleigh
6 - Bentleigh
7 - West Adelaide
8 - Green Gully
9 - Bonyrigg
10 - Blacktown City
11 - Manly
12 - Sutherland
13 - Brisbane City
14 - Heidelberg
15 - Croydon Kings
16 - FNQ FC
17 - Waitakere United
18 - Perth SC
19 - Team Wellignton
20 - Canterbury United

C-League

1 - Port Melbourne
2 - South Hobart
3 - Stirling Lions
4 - Bayswater City
5 - Hawke's Bay
6 - WaiBOP United
7 - Campbelltown
8 - Inglewood United
9 - Adelaide Blue Eagles
10 - St George Saints
11 - Werribee City
12 - Ballarat Red Devils
13 - Pascoe Vale
14 - Blacktown Spartans
15 - WT Birkalla
16 - Western Strikers
17 - Balcatta
18 - Para Hills
19 - Northcote
20 - Cockburn

D-League (1 game against each in all 34 team leagues)

1 - FFA Centre of Excellence
2 - Northern Tigers
3 - Sunshine Coast
4 - Adelaide Raiders
5 - MetroStars
6 - Sorrento FC
7 - Floreat Athena
8 - ECU Joondalup
9 - Richmond
10 - Bankstown
11 - St Albans
12 - White City
13 - Sunshine George Cross
14 - Parramatta
15 - Goulburn Valley
16 - Moreland
17 - Subiaco
18 - Springvale
19 - North Geelong
20 - Olympia Warriors
21 - Preston
22 - Macarthur
23 - Armadale
24 - Bulleen
25 - Rochedale
26 - Dapto-Dandaloo
27 - Avondale Heights
28 - Box Hill
29 - South Adelaide
30 - Adelaide Comets
31 - Fraser Park
32 - Kingston City
33 - FC Bendigo
34 - Cumberland

D1 League
1 - South Australian Institute of Sport
2 - VTC Football
3 - FNSW Institute
4 - QAS
5 - Toowoomba
6 - Fawkner
7 - Western Knights
8 - Altona Magic
9 - Mt Druitt
10 - South Springvale
11 - Redlands Utd
12 - Edgeworth
13 - Brisbane Wolves
14 - Pine Rivers United
15 - Hakoah Sydney
16 - Wanneroo
17 - Taringa
18 - Easts
19 - Cobram
20 - Murray United
21 - Southern Stars
22 - FC Clifton Hill
23 - North Star
24 - Brunswick City
25 - Dandenong City
26 - Hills Brumbies
27 - Gold Coast Knights
28 - North Pine Utd
29 - Peninsula Power
30 - Palm Beach
31 - Weston Workers
32 - Lions FC
33 - Broadmeadow
34 - Canberra FC

D2 League
1 - Bunbury
2 - Launceston City
3 - Mitchelton FC
4 - Mt Gravatt
5 - Souths
6 - Spirit FC
7 - Modbury
8 - Dulwich Hill
9 - Western Suburbs
10 - Capalaba
11 - Adelaide Hills
12 - Mandurah City
13 - Hobart Zebras
14 - Ipswich
15 - Langwarrin
16 - Salisbury Utd
17 - Playford
18 -  Belconnen
19 - Lake Macquarie
20 - Altona East
21 - Dianella
22 - Canning
23 - South Toowoomba
24 - O'Connor
25 - Adelaide Olympic
26 - Cooma
27 - Glenorchy Knights
28 - Launceston Utd
29 - Marlin Coast
30 - Kingborough
31 - Olympic Kingsway
32 - Knox City
33 - Tuggeranong
34 - Frankston Pines

D3 League
1 - Sydney University
2 - Canberra Olympic
3 - Gosnells City
4 - Forrestfield
5 - Ashfield
6 - Morley
7 - Uni of QLD
8 - Queens Park
9 - Malvern
10 - Rockingham
11 - Devonport City
12 - Gunghalin
13 - Mounties Wanderers
14 - Clarence Utd
15 - Riverside Oly
16 - Northern Rangers
17 - Burnie Utd
18 - Morwell Pegasus
19 - ANU
20 - University of Tasmania
21 - Whittlesea
22 - Narangba Utd
23 - Innisfail Utd
24 - Willowburn
25 - Canberra City
26 - Myrtleford
27 - New Town
28 - Metro
29 - Prospect
30 - Ulverstone
31 - Somerset
32 - Ingham FC
33 - Queanbeyan
34 - Hurstville

D4 League

1 - Western NSW
2 - Byron Bay
3 - Shamrock Rovers
4 - Noble Park
5 - Westgate
6 - Altona City
7 - United Warriors
8 - Woden Valley
9 - Woombye
10 - Southside Utd
11 - Mackay Warriors
12 - Centenary
13 - Greenbank
14 - Nambour
15 - Kingscliff Wolves
16 - Tweed Utd
17 - Inter Lions
18 - Ross River Utd
19 - Rebels
20 - Thornton
21 - Camden
22 - Shell Cove
23 - Joondalup Utd
24 - Edge Hill Utd
25 - West Preston
26 - Grange Thistle
27 - Wodonga Diamonds
28 - Litchfield FC
29 - Caboolture
30 - KSS Jets
31 - Logan Village
32 - Lalor Utd
33 - Lara SC
34 - Mackay Crusaders

D5 League
1 - Picton Rangers
2 - Keysborough
3 - Hoppers Crossing
4 - Capricorn
5 - Bluebirds Utd
6 - Singleton
7 - Coffs Coast
8 - Southern Branch
9 - Falcons 2000
10 - Central QLD
11 - Ipswich City
12 - Frenchville
13 - Annerley
14 - The Gap
15 - Kangaroo Point
16 - Endeavour Hills
17 - Newmarket
18 - Jimboomba Utd
19 - Caloundra
20 - Hume Utd
21 - FC Strathmore
22 - Tatura
23 - Shepparton
24 - Wide Bay
25 - Adamstown
26 - Northern Storm
27 - Dandenong Sth
28 - Port Darwin
29 - Darwin Olympic
30 - Casuarina
31 - Mareeba
32 - Surf Coast
33 - Twin City
34 - Wulguru Utd

D6 League
1 - Coolum
2 - Park Ridge
3 - Moreland C
4 - Ringwood
5 - Samford Rangers
6 - Holland Park
7 - Redcliffe
8 - Stratford
9 - Leichardt
10 - Oxley
11 - Cobram
12 - Darebin
13 - Whittlesea U
14 - Peninsula
15 - Ashburton
16 - Ellenbrook
17 - Prospect U
18 - Melbourne Tornado
19 - Clinton FC
20 - Belmore
21 - Maddington
22 - Garuda FC
23 - Shepparton Sth
24 - Hawkesbury
25 - Northbridge
26 - Wollongong Olympic
27 - Western Condors
28 - Brothers FC
29 - Fortuna 60
30 - Warragul
31 - Point Cook
32 - Sporting Whittlesea
33 - St Kilda
34 - Beaumaris

D7 League
1 - Mornington
2 - USQ
3 - Enfield
4 - Stanmore
5 -  Logan Lightning
6 - AC Carina
7 - Melville City
8 - Fremantle Utd
9 - Brisbane Knights
10 - Charlestown
11 - Shepparton Utd
12 - New Farm
13 - Yoogali SC
14 - Bingera
15 - Across The Waves
16 - West Griffith
17 - Nunawading
18 - Hellenic Athletic
19 - Mindil Aces
20 - Mackay Magpies
21 - East Gosford
22 - Geelong SC
23 - Uni-Azzuri
24 - Springvale City
25 - Palmerston
26 - Buderim
27 - Corio
28 - Brighton
29 - Caulfield U
30 - Rowville
31 - Kawana
32 - Maroochydore
33 - Western Spirit
34 - Albany Creek

D8 League
1 - Waverley Wanderers
2 - Bayside
3 - North Caulfield
4 - Monbulk
5 - Boorondara
6 - Hampton Park
7 - Coniston Lions
8 - Slacks Creek
9 - Hanwood
10 - Monash Uni
11 - Southern Bulls
12 - Melrose FC
13 - Westvale
14 - Croydon City
15 - Brandon Park
16 - Cairnlea
17 - Derwent Utd
18 - Balmain
19 - Monaro Panthers
20 - Brisbane Force
21 - Joondalup City
22 - Quinns FC
23 - South Coast Utd
24 - UWA Nedland
25 - Southside Eagles
26 - North Sunshine
27 - SWQ Thunder
28 - Northern Demons
29 - La Trobe Uni
30 - Surfers Paradise
31 - Spearwood
32 - Rydalmere
33 - Gawler
34 - Taroona

D9 League
1 - Maribyrnong G
2 - Sunbury
3 - Yarraville Glory
4 - Fitzroy
5 - Sydenham
6 - Heatherton
7 - Eastern Lions
8 - Keilor Park
9 - Casey Comets
10 - Doncaster Rovers
11 - Diamond Valley
12 - Banyule
13 - Moreland Utd
14 - Williamstown
15 - West Wallsend
16 - Skye Utd
17 - Gladesville
18 - Hurstville C
19 - Burleigh Heads
20 - Port Kembla
21 - Valentine Phoenix
22 - Mudgeeraba
23 - Murwillumbah
24 - Lambton
25 - Geelong Rangers
26 - Western Pride
27 - Northern Fury
28 - Magic Utd
29 - Tarrawanna
30 - Bankstown
31 - NTIS
32 - ACTAS
33 - Tasmania NTC
34 - Broadbeach Utd

D10 League
1 - Nepean
2 - Eastern Utd
3 - Moreton Bay
4 - Swan Utd
5 - South Yarra
6 - Doveton
7 - Albion Park
8 - Fernhill
9 - Cringila
10 - Nerang
11 - Merrimac
12 - Musgrave FC
13 - Coomera
14 - Southport
15 - AC Utd
16 - Toronto
17 - Bulli
18 - Hamilton Olympic
19 - Essendon Royals
20 - South Cardiff
21 - Berwick
22 - Moggill
23 - Cove
24 - Sturt
25 - Western Toros
26 - Seaford Rangers
27 - Yoogali FC
28 - Port Adelaide
29 - Noarlunga
30 - Granville
31 - Pine Hills
32 - Adelaide Cobras
33 - Wollongong U
34 - Old Scotch
35 - Mazenod Utd
36 - Old Camberwell

Thursday, 26 December 2013

TSP's Top 50 of 2013

Welcome one and all as we join together for the ninth year in a row to hand out the prestigious David Lee Roth Medal for my favourite song of the year.


Apart from the cavalcade of nobodies, has beens and never will bes that are about to get a run in the top 50 the major surprise of this year is that I managed to get the top 50 done inside the actual year instead of waiting until January 8.

To recap where've come from (and to look back on how many of these people haven't ever been heard of again) here are the previous eight chart leaders. Click the year for a handy link to the full countdown.

2005
1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot
2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure
3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La
4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
5. Bloc Party - Helicopter

2006
1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill
2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It
3. Silvia Night - Congratulations
4. Lily Allen - LDN
5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

2007
1. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!
2. New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream
3. The Teenagers - Homecoming
4. Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent
5. Jack Penate - Spit At Stars

2008
1. Lethal Bizzle - The Come Up
2. Neon Neon - Luxury Pool
3. MGMT - Electric Feel
4. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream
5. Fryars - Olive Eyes

2009
1. N.A.S.A - Spacious Thoughts (featuring Tom Waits and Kool Keith)
2. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
3. Boy Crisis - The Fountain of Youth
4. Bat For Lashes - Daniel
5. Low Fidelity All Stars - The Good Times

2010
1. My Chemical Romance - Bulletproof Heart
2. Goldfrapp - Rocket
3. Lena - Satellite
4. Keane - Stop For A Minute (featuring K'naan)
5. Paul Heaton - Even A Palm Tree

2011
1. REM - Discoverer
2. MEN - Credit Card Babies (Stereogamous Remix)
3. The Strokes - Taken For A Fool
4. Dutch Uncles - The Ink
5. Calvin Harris and Kelis - Bounce

2012
1. Loreen - Euphoria
2. Escort - Cocaine Blues
3. Plan B - Deepest Shame
4. Jim Noir - Ping Pong Time Tennis
5. Elton John vs PNAU - Icy Black Stare

The process is, as always, complicated. I never listen to current radio, and I don't know what in god's name 'the kids' are into at any given time, so songs are considered and shortlisted through the year based on recommendations, reviews and the Slovenian Eurovision entrant. From there I choose my personal favourite 50 songs (no, your favourite tracks aren't included. Make your own list, it's the in thing to do at this time of year) then attempt to put them into something resembling the correct order via a gruelling bootcamp where they're rated and pitted against each other using formulas so secret that Colonel Sanders would rise to applaud.

The rules are fiendishly simple, an artist or artists may have as many songs as they like on the shortlist but only two can make the top 50. No covers (although that clause was stretched to its limits last year) and the decision of the match referee (i.e me) is final.

Your host, once again, is this guy- and what a fine job he does year after year.


50. Palma Violets - 14
 

Goes on a bit (they tone it down live if you're interested in that sort of stuff) but it was written on the back of a bus (the #14 wouldn't you know) and sung into a mobile phone so they could remember it the next day so it's probably lucky to have even made it to this stage.

Previous entries: (1)
2012 - Best of Friends (#50)

49. Justice - Brianvision MMXIII


Instrumentalism. Coincidentally from exactly the same compilation album as...

48. Breakbot - The Beach


There's still time for you to use this as the soundtrack to a summer TV show or commercial.

47. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Area 52


Science fiction antics in the YYY's lowest finish since that year I absurdly extended the countdown to 100 songs.

Previous entries (4):
2006, Gold Lion (#11)
2007, Down Boy (#66)
2009, Heads Will Roll (#2), Softshock (#24)

46. Beady Eye - Flick Of The Finger


To nobody's surprise it's like Oasis when they weren't much chop any more. They always had one good song per album even after disappearing up their own arses, and to Liam's credit this is his. Much to Noel's chagrin (as if he would give a rats) the score in TSP Top 50's is now 2-0 to the lesser brother.

Previous entries (1):
2011 - Four Letter Word (#17)

45. Fat Goth - Pinball Moron
Good band name, quality song title, great album cover art. Reasonable song. Warning - contains whistling.

44. Iggy and the Stooges - Burn


He sounds like he's going to topple over and cark it most of the time these days, but if you'd done what he has it would be a miracle if you were even still walking at this point.

43. Disclosure - When A Fire Starts To Burn


Effectively just the same lyrics over and over again. Won't be the last time something makes my list despite that handicap.

42. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Sacrilege


Less sci-fi, more shouting and - without doing my maths - I think the song that ties the Yeah Yeah Yeah's with Goldfrapp for most lifetime chart entries (6).

41. Kings Of Leon - Rock City


Minor return to form, not quite their first album again but better than that gash they were serving up a few years back. Gash which to be fair I actually didn't mind until it started dominating the charts.

Previous entries (2):
2008 - Use Somebody (#46), Sex On Fire (#8)


40. White Lies - There Goes Our Love Again


39. CHVRCHES - The Mother We Share


Odds on this will become massive here in three months' time and I will grow sick of it. See Leon, Kings of (2008)

38. Birthday Suit - You Hear The Drums
This is a good time of the year for discovering which songs were just humble album tracks and nobody bothered making a video for.

37. Babyshambles - Nothing Comes To Nothing


Pete Doherty - so capable, so off his nut 24/7. I liked this track, but I'd have been far keener if it wasn't for the irony free use of the word 'baby'.

36. Iggy and the Stooges - Beat That Guy
More post-middle aged manboobery. There's a reason they're not making videos.

35. Public Service Broadcasting - The Now Generation
Well look, this is cheating a bit. After all it's not like they wrote the lyrics or performed any of them - but the concept of playing modern music over old newsreel audio appeals to me. At least with this form of music you can learn something as well.

Previous entries (1):
2012 - Spitfire (#21)

34. Pixies - Bagboy


Considering the amount of bands that I like who came back with albums that positively woofed during 2013 (some of whom have managed to swing one track into this countdown by virtue of positive feelings from the past) this was decent. Sensibly the kept the comeback to an EP instead of trying to drag it out across a whole album.

33. Sleigh Bells - Bitter Rivals


I feel that all their songs are exactly the same with subtle differences, and this is no different. Boo to them though for including an LSU jersey instead of a pro football one and therefore not qualifying for my new blog (untouched after the first day).

Previous entries (1):
2012 - Comeback Kid (#22)


32. Pet Shop Boys - Love Is A Bourgeois Construct


Good song, but the title makes me want to stab somebody with a fork. Could also stand to lose a couple of minutes.

31. The Stepkids - The Lottery


Steely Dan and their lawyers will be along any minute now.

30. Parquet Courts - Stoned and Starving


Music for stoners. Not that I'm a stoner, but it's not just the title - I know this is right up their alley.

29. Devendra Banhart - Won't You Come Over


Given that the last song he had which made the TSP50 shortlist was about John Wayne Gacy dismembering kiddies I'd have to say no, I won't be coming over.

28. Pet Shop Boys - Axis


More PSB, but this time shorter and with a less annoying title so it ranks higher. Also sounds like the theme song to 80's cop show which is in no way a bad thing.

27. Phoenix - Entertainment


If you can accept that just as Lady Gaga will never do another Poker Face that Phoenix will never again touch the heights of Too Young then they've released some quality songs in the last few years. But they'll never do another Too Young and that saddens me. Also the records show that I've never had one of their recent songs in my top 50 so maybe they're not all that good after all.

26. The Strokes - All The Time


Much like The Simpsons, The Strokes' best remains foremost in our memory even as we're constantly handed new stuff that is decidedly ordinary. For the second album in a row the handful of decent songs were almost drowned out by tremendous amount of bollocks phoned in on a wonky line.

This is a slight, sliver of a song but then again so was everything on their first album and that's one of my all-time favourites. Still, time for The Strokes to give the game away and go back to just being filthy rich.

Previous entries: (2)
2005 - Juicebox (#19)
2011 - Taken For A Fool (#3)

25. The Strypes - Blue Collar Jane



This year's entry in the "next big rock thing" sweepstakes, following on from others to have fallen off the face of the earth like The Vaccines and Palma Violets. "Next" big thing is slightly misleading considering these juvenile delinquent looking types are practically bashing out the exact same stuff The Beatles were all those years ago but with more oomphy guitars. Not such an earth shattering shock 50 years on but there's potential here.

24. David Bowie - Where Are We Now


Wistful reminiscence that surprised everybody when it came out with precisely zero prior warning just when everyone thought that Bowie had probably carked it and we hadn't been told.

23. Suede - It Starts And Ends With You


It's obviously no Animal Nitrate (what is?) but considering the record of most other bands with comeback albums I'd say they got this just about right. It was certainly better than most of the later stuff they were pumping out before splitting.

22. Kings of Leon - Don't Matter


It's almost odds on that I'll hate this by March, but it's still the best thing they've done in years.

21. Texas - The Conversation


Who knew they were still around, but if I were around the table at a pop radio station I'd argue that this was every prospect of being a hit. Maybe it already has been, I'm not listening to the radio so how should I know?

20. Phoenix - The Real Thing


19. David Bowie - Atomica


You're out of luck if you prefer "ooooohhhhh fashion!" style hits over quiet introspection at this point of his career, but this is as close as you'll get. An extra track on the extended (cash-in) version of the album, but better than anything he's done since Hearts Filthy Lesson from the Seven soundtrack.

18 - Sleigh Bells - Sugarcane
Practically the same song as the last one, and all their others, but louder.

17. Parquet Courts - Master Of My Craft



Slightly less stonery music for stoners. If there was any justice the "fuggataboutit" bit would become a catchphrase.

16. Arcade Fire - Joan Of Arc


The issue I have with Arcade Fire is that every album has a couple of belters and then a bunch of dull tracks that don't deserve a second listen. The formula was faithfully followed again this year. Also, enjoy some old mate's homemade music video.

Previous entries: (2)
2010: Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains (#9), Modern Man (#7)

15. Suede - Barriers


Presumably they're not jumping over barriers for the purposes of fare evasion, but their first new track in a decade thrashed the pants off the tracks from a decade ago (if not the ones off the first album).

14. Public Enemy - ... Everything


Modern PE = less political but actually better than you'd expect.

13. Haim - Falling


Full album not quite as good as I'd expected it to be based off their tracks from last year's countdown, but this is top shelf.

Previous entries (2):
2012 - Better Off (#29), Don't Save Me (#9)

12. The Orb and Lee Scratch Perry - Fussball


In which an elderly man blathers anything that comes into his head and makes a surprisingly good fist of it. Could soundtrack a million different highlights packages around World Cup time if given the chance.

11. Placebo - Loud Like Love


Another band who I didn't even know were still active, and if you didn't like them then you won't now but this appealed to the part of my brain that is still an 18-year-old life hating emo.

10. Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band - 7th Floor
In which an elderly woman blathers anything that comes into her head and makes a surprisingly good fist of it. Quite frankly I love this shit and I hope that as people like this drop off the perch that the next generation after them will continue to issue batshit crazy and insane tracks of a similar nature. This is her first appearance under her own name, but she did make to #13 it as guest vocalist on a similarly barmy track in 2009.

9. The Courteneers - Money


Comes off like a lovely fusion of 70's glam rock, Supergrass and Elbow.

Previous entries: (2)
2007 - Acrylic (#91), Cavorting (#59)

8. Mat Zo/Porter Robinson - Easy


Oh hello, it's the token mass market track in the top 10. Well shove it. This reminds me of the brief period in my life where I was off my bifter every weekend. At 32 memories are about all that's left, and no doubt I'd have despised this at the time. The video is a bit cutesy, but then again so is the video for One More Time by Daft Punk and people whop off over that.

7. Neon Neon - The Jaguar


The first Neon Neon album, an improbable concept album about carmaker John De Lorean, was wall to wall gold covering a number of genres. So, even when it was announced that the concept for their second album involved some obscure revolutionary I wasn't all that concerned. Sadly it turned it to be total slop, and nothing like Stainless Style, except for this track which could easily be bolted onto that that album and lose nothing (except the concept).

Previous entries: (2)
2008 - Michael Douglas (#16), Luxury Pool (#2)

6. Public Service Broadcasting - Everest


More cheating with lyrics provided by newsreels of the past, but at least for once you'll learn something from reading TSP.

5. Cold War Kids - Jailbirds


Every year without fail there's one song that I put on my shortlist then proceed to totally forget until going through said list to whittle it down to 50. Not sure how I missed listening to this one more. I feel like there's some reason I'm supposed to dislike this band, but this is a cracker which has shot up the chart so much in the last week that it would probably be #1 if I waited another seven days.

Previous entries: (1)
2007 - Hospital Bed (#98)

4. Arcade Fire - Reflektor


Ignoring all the 'artistic' shenanigans of them calling themselves The Reflektors, launching the album via cryptic clues and playing concerts in giant papier mache heads as if they were in the crowd at a darts match, this is by far the standout track. I await another two crackers amongst 12 middling tracks extravaganza in a couple of years.

3. Daft Punk - Lose Yourself To Dance


That the next two songs were absolutely magnificent shouldn't detract from the fact that half of the songs on Random Access Memories were a bit meh. So maybe it didn't deserve the full stars, but if the rules didn't stop me putting more than two from each artist in every year I might have fit five of the tracks in the top 50.

2. Daft Punk - Get Lucky


This was hard to avoid and should have got more tedious the more you heard it, but good god what a mighty song it was/is/will be in the future. If you, like I often do, look forward 30 years and wonder what songs they'll be playing on golden oldies 2000-2010's radio then I guarantee you this will still be on high rotation. A rare example of 'the people' and I being in furious agreement....

1. Franz Ferdinand - Right Action


... but not furious enough to get behelmeted Frenchmen in at #1. Instead Franz return Great Britain to the top of the pile for the first time since 2008 (current standings - GB 4, USA 4, Sweden 1) with quite frankly the best thing they've released since Take Me Out by some considerable margin.

It's got pretty much everything you could want in an 'indie' pop/rock song including a singalong chorus and a length of just over three minutes so it never outstays its welcome. That it never charted in the UK and only made it to #38 on some sort of consolation "Indie" singles chart is quite criminal.

Previous entries (2):
2009 - Can't Stop Feeling (#39), No You Girls (#32)

And that's it from TSP Towers VIII. Abuse, suggestions for what I may still wish to listen to, legal threats and "WHERE IS [?]" via the comments please.

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

TSP's Obscure Moments in Sport #2

Remembering the relatively important moments which changed my life with the aid of the internet because I've forgotten the exact details of what happened.

#2 - Damon Hill wins Jordan's first F1 GP (1998)

Warning: During the research for this post it became clear that one of the greatest sporting moments of my childhood was actually fixed. It's tears before bedtime at TSP Towers as what has been held up as an epic moment of sporting magic for the last 15 years turns out to have finished in circumstances that even the ICC would shake their head at. But we'll get to that a bit later...



As anyone who has taken the time to peruse this list would appreciate, there are a lot of sports in the world. Some major, some regional, some quite frankly stupid.  It's easy enough to avoid the third category, or at least it was before the internet came along, but if the circumstances are right most kids will at some point at least flirt with many of the sports contained in the first two groups.

One that I should have totally avoided by virtue of growing up in a one-parent family without a father was motorsport. In the late 80's and early 90's if you couldn't play it in the schoolyard then nobody was interested. You couldn't, so like every other child at St Joseph's on Glenferrie Road I wasn't. The excitement of watching cars drive around in circles, crashing into each other every once in a while totally passed me by.

It didn't help that with the exception of two races a year in Japan and Adelaide that the entire sport took place almost exclusively in the middle of the night. Back then if it didn't happen in front of you in real time it didn't happen at all, or was confined to 20 seconds on the 6pm news and you didn't have enough time to get to understand what it was all about.

My decade with F1 started with some random gent ducking in and out of the flat I'd lived in my whole life, at 5/40 Morang Road in Hawthorn (top left).




I paid no attention to what sort of unsavoury activities might have been taking place until a few weeks later when it was announced we were moving... all the way to Flat 6 (top right of screen). In retrospect it was to nobody's surprise that this the flat of our regular mystery caller who had clearly been doing more than borrowing a cup of tea from his neighbour.

Perhaps unfairly almost all of memories of this guy were of him being a bit of a poon. He certainly wasn't violent or abusive in any form, but there was something about him which rubbed me up the wrong way. Maybe it was the way he spoke of himself like he was a master actor only to reveal that his two major appearances had been for one second in the BMX Bandits and as the voiceover 'artist' for a Red Rooster ad. Maybe it was because he got extremely grumpy when some neighbourhood prankster used a piece of paper to alter his personalised number plates to spell something 'rude'.

Maybe I was just being a horrible child, because the man did influence me in a couple of ways. For one he had been roped into the 1980's arcade game boom and took me to play the pinnies every weekend. The standard he set, and the fact that he got my mum hooked on 1942, allowed me to continue weekend trips to venues like the Fun Factory long after he was off the season.

Secondly he introduced me to the joys of Formula One, and more importantly his strange fetish for Japanese 'trier' Satoru Nakajima whose fortunes he followed more closely than seemed necessary. Maybe the voice of Red Rooster's third major influence on me was the freedom to follow terrible sporting concerns? If so I've certainly made a career out of that in the last 15+ years.

I'm not sure at which point during 1988 we shacked up with him, or when I started to take an interest, but the record books show Nakajima's only point of the entire 1988 season came in the first race of the year so there's every chance that we weren't around for that. He was a little bit better in 1989, scoring three points courtesy of a fourth place finish in the last race of the year. So depending on when we moved in, during the time we lived with this guy his favourite driver went about 30 races without scoring ONE SOLITARY POINT. It's almost impossible now considering they give points to nearly everyone for just showing up, but in those days you very much ran the risk of driving for years without winning a cracker - and our Japanese friend did just that.

Not that I was taking all that much of an interest. All I remember from that era was that the footage of Nigel Mansell's tire exploding in Adelaide a few years earlier must have been in Channel 9's opening or closing credits because it seemed like the played it every.. single.. week without fail.

Sometime in early 1990 my mum chucked him, almost certainly due to a surly eight-year-old driving a wedge through the relationship with daily "you're not my dad" speeches, and the last I ever heard from him was after he rang our new house and asked me to pass on a message that he'd called. I never did, and strangely enough the last time he was ever seen was at a Melbourne game during the 2000 season when we realised he was sitting directly in front of us and had to do a family bonding escape without him realising who we were.

If Mr Red Rooster hadn't managed to leave me with a love of Formula 1 then he'd at piqued an interest. The only thing I can remember about the 1990 and 1991 seasons is watching the Australian GP (and I'm not even sure we had a VHS to tape the other races by that point even if I'd wanted to) - yet sometime during '91 I'd acquired a copy of the Murray Walker 1990 Grand Prix Year book (if I recall correctly from a discount book stall at the Royal Melbourne Show of all places) and suddenly a great passion was stirred.

That book got a fierce belting for the rest of 1991, and after I'd read it about 50 times I'd retrospectively become a huge fan of the Leyton House lineup of Ivan Capelli and Mauricio Gugelmin and their tragic French Grand Prix where they'd came from nowhere to almost record one of the great upset wins. The comic subplot of the Life team, who failed to qualify to enter qualifying 14 times in a row before going bust, was another highlight. Tellingly my interest was more in these stories of disgrace than anything involving greats like Senna and Prost.

Being the weird child that I was (and as a pointer to the weird adult I grew into) the book, almost two full seasons old by that point, became the basis for a Formula 1 dice 'simulation' I devised based on a similar but far less complicated horse racing game I'd come up with in the past. In grade six I went on to invent a WWF themed board game which was, quite frankly, ingenious but the rules of that have sadly been lost to the ages while I could probably break out pen, paper and dice and play my F1 game again tomorrow.

Along with a few old F1 magazines liberated from op shops featuring names that will forever live with me like Joachim Winkelhock, that book was the key to everything. Many, many sheets of paper were wasted on a game that I played on and off until year seven when a) I did the typical rejection of everything from 'childhood' and b) PC gaming came along. New drivers would join obscure, actually defunct teams like Onyx, AGS and Osella on my dice based circuit. Eventually once I discovered Indycar the two circuits were merged together in a glorious motor racing superleague the likes of which has never been seen since. Meanwhile other children were playing games outdoors and making friends with each other.

Eventually the simulation got to me, and by the time of that year's Australian GP I had resolved to become a devotee for 1992 whether or not half the teams that were still 'enjoying' being rubbish in my league (courtesy of a well-designed system of bonuses and penalties depending on past team performance and engine manufacturer) no longer existed.

It was just good timing that for their second season the Jordan team had hired Mauricio Gugelmin - he of the famous 1990 Leyton House team - as one of their drivers. Having read that book so many times, and always cheering him on to points in my homemade game (which was in no way rigged because I had more integrity than the actual FIA), I had to back him and his team. From this point on I was a Jordan fan - and what a fine few years of entertainment that gave me.

The team had been surprisingly good in their first season, despite losing one of their drivers for gassing a taxi driver, and finished fifth in the 1991 constructors championship - but in an early sign that my support was practically fatal to any team they collapsed to a solitary sixth placed finish and one point in 1992.

Gugelmin scored nil, with one seventh place, 11 DNF's and a one way ticket to the Indycar league at the end of the year. Not surprisingly I suddenly developed an interest in this format, where people would often do 500 laps worth of left turns, and would stay up to all hours to watch races on Channel 10. Not only did they have my favourite driver, but they also had a killer - for its time anyway - PC game ("I'm Paul Page FROM PAPYRUS! And this is Indy Car Racing) which finally killed off my dice game.

He would eventually trump Jordan by winning a race a year before they did, and while I loved it (silently, because nobody else cared) it didn't have the same effect on me that Jordan's maiden victory would have a year later because I hadn't ridden the peaks and troughs with his team (and their classic sponsor HOLLYWOOD) like I had with Eddie Jordan and co.

We'd had relatively good times in 1994 and 1995 with the classic lineup of Ruebens Barrichello and Eddie Irvine, and while Eddie went on to bigger and better things in 1996 we were for the first time treated to one of the greatest liveries of them all. Smoking is bad and all that, but thank god for Benson, Hedges and whoever decided to adopt the gold colour scheme. It didn't hit peak quality until the next year when they went full canary yellow, but it was a start.

It was also the year that F1 came to Melbourne, much to the joy of myself and Jeff Kennett and the dismay of a bunch of crusties who looked like (and included) Rod Quantock. Much to my dismay after four years of living and breathing F1 via Channel 9's all-time great lineup of Eastlake/Jones it was the point where I discovered that there's no sport where the live atmosphere fails to match what you see on TV more.

It didn't help that I'd decided to move during the parade lap and totally missed Martin Brundle doing this pretty much exactly where I'd been having my eardrums assaulted just a couple of minutes before, but the experience was disappointing and I've only ever bothered to go twice more on free tickets.

That didn't detract from my interest though, and after two years flirting with supporting ex-Indycar star Jacques Villeneuve my heart was still with Jordan going into the 1998 season. They had just scored the signature of Damon Hill - the man who beat Villeneuve on that first day in Melbourne and beat him for the championship - fresh off a novelty season with the traditionally awful Arrows team for whom he had almost pulled off one of the most absurd victories in history before a last minute mechanical issue relegated him to second.

Hill partnered Ralf Schumacher, who I distinctly remember hating at the time but who history shows actually had reasonable results, and for the first 10 weeks of the season Damon did about as well as he had with Arrows - failing to score a point. Ralf wasn't much better, but finally opened the team's account with a 6th in Great Britain. Damon finally got on the board with two fourth placed finishes in a row before the Belgian GP, but for loyalists such as I all we could realistically hope for was a cheap podium finish here or there as Mika Hakkinen and Michael Schumacher fought out the title and the canary yellow Jordans proved about as useful as Ligiers, Footworks and Larrousses had in the past.

In all honesty I can't actually remember much of the 1998 Belgian Grand Prix itself. It certainly didn't occur to me, looking back all these years later before watching highlights again, that this great drought breaking success might have had more to do with tire flying, panel beating carnage in pissing rain than any actual skill on behalf of the team. Or that, as we will soon discover, that there were dark forces at play even in the most triumphant of moments.

I feel that by 1998 we'd graduated to four hour VHS tapes, and that would have paid off this morning as the race was stopped for an hour due to a 13 car melee on the opening corner. Gloriously the Belgians had decided to go ahead with the race without a safety car despite the fact that the circuit looked like it were a swimming pool, and the resulting "oh that's terrible, but nobody got hurt so I actually enjoyed it" paved the way for motoring gold.

Sadly the rules of the day said that any race stopped within two laps didn't count, and so instead of the two Jordans surviving and 13 drivers being eliminated it was a mere four who failed to make the restart an hour later. So in the end it wasn't really the rain what won it. Or was it? Reviewing the video of the race for the first time since that day shows that a lot of weather related luck did seem to go Damon's way.

Hakkinen spun and was taken out by another car, and Michael Schumacher tore half his car off (giving us some classic commentary from Murray) by blindly driving straight into the back of David Coulthard . They weren't the only ones to be eliminated - by lap 26 of 44 only eight cars were left and as well as Schumacher and Hakkinen, big hitters like Eddie Irvine and Jacques Villeneuve, medium hitters like Johnny Herbert and complete nobodies like Estaban Tuero (me neither) had all been forced to retire through collision damage or mechanical trouble.

With the remaining field consisting of Hill, Schumacher, Coulthard a mile back after repairs from the Schumacher debacle, Jean Alesi (one career win), Heinz-Harald Frentzen (one), Jarno Truli (none to that point), Pedro Diniz (nil) and Shinji Nakano (nothing) the BREAKTHROUGH WIN alert level was set to high. If not for one of the Jordans then hopefully for Diniz or Nakano.

When Michael committed racing suicide it gave Damon the lead, and put the two Jordans into a 1-2 battle. This was it, my modern version of the 1990 French Grand Prix. Leyton House/Jordan - Gugelmin/Hill and Capelli/Ralf first and second. That day the novelty team had been forced to settle for second place only, and with the circuit still carrying a deadly amount of water it was no guarantee that we'd even get that.

It would have been a fair bet though. You could have foreseen one piece of nasty luck (hopefully to Ralf) but two was just taking the piss. Given where the team had come from it would have been rude not to accept a Ralf win, but at this point all my emotions were invested in Damon winning - and the idea that it would be stolen in the last few laps was too much to bear.

By 1998 I'd already come to terms with the fact that I'd never see any of my teams win anything ever. The Atlanta Braves 1996 World Series win may as well have happened on another planet as far as coverage went, and it would be another seven years before I saw the Wests Tigers - who at this point didn't exist - win a premiership right in front of me. It would have been So Adam (even way back then) for it to all go horribly and unnecessarily wrong.

Somehow it didn't though, the TV coverage shows that with a few laps to go Ralf was right on Damon's tail and no doubt I expected him to confirm all my prejudices by crashing Damon out of the race, but he never even got close and the win was Damon's and Jordan's. A win I'd been waiting the best part of eight of my then 17 years for.

Remembering nothing else about the race what I do recall quite vividly was having tears in my eyes as he crossed the line to win. Having wasted so many mornings and been late to school on more than one occasion because I was watching a tape of the GP to its natural conclusion instead of bothering to feign interest in maths it seemed like an appropriate payoff.

So, all hail one a great triumph of the human spirit then eh? Well, maybe not because this is where it all goes horribly wrong. In searching for the video footage of the race I also came across the following documentary footage which reveals that the final result was actually the product of mobile match fixing:



And it was goodbye to one of the great moments of my life when I saw that. RIP 30 August 1998 - 23 December 2013. Of course Damon might have won anyway, but we'll never know because like a IPL game the result was phoned in from elsewhere.

I'm not imagining the fact that Ralf used to crash a lot, and while the results will show that he'd successfully finished five races in a row before Belgium he'd also gone out to collisions or spins seven times in 29 races to that point so there was something to Damon's suggestion other than the fact that he was trying to lock down a win - but mostly the fact that he was trying to lock down a win.

He didn't win a world championship by being stupid and he obviously knew that Ralf was a loose cannon who could bring the whole thing down, so he put a dodgy deal to Eddie Jordan and suggested that the two cars stay in formation and bank the first two places instead of letting the quicker car challenge for the lead.

Eddie, being the sensible man that he was, realises that he could very well come out of the race with nothing and bans Ralf from attempting to pass/punt both of them into the wall. These days you'd get hung, drawn and quartered for even suggesting something like that but in the good old days of F1 open cheating like this was not only allowed but almost openly encouraged. Eventually after about three attempts to get him to acknowledge, and the suspicion that he's about to rogue and do whatever he likes, Ralf finally agrees to pull the pin and do the right thing.

With the only chance of a spoiler removed, and third placed Jean Alesi much too far away to do anything but motor around and collect four championship points, there were three victory laps to be had - as long as Damon's car didn't suddenly exploded in a ball of flames which engulfed both the leading cars. He managed to pilot his way around the track unharmed, and with a replay of Murray Walker's call of the race confirming that at least for the last few laps there was no talk of the dubious dealings taking place at the time across team radio he crossed the line to win.

There were no recriminations after the race, so how was I to know it had been a swizz? If Ralf had leapt from his car and decked Eddie Jordan with a right hook there'd have been some indication that shenanigans were afoot, but the only person in any danger of being injured was the mentalist who ran across the track at the end and almost got cleaned up by our old friend Pedro Diniz.

As the winners stood on the podium in those magnificent yellow outfits (who said cigarettes never did any good?) Ralf gamely waved to the crowd, engaged in some shenanigans with everyone including Alesi and everything was alright with the world - I probably didn't need to know then (or at any time until now) that it was tainted.

In the video at the top of screen the team orders do get a mention immediately after the national anthem plays - but we can only assume that I was already running well late for some pointless Year 11 class and had stopped the tape by then. Incidentally it should be pointed out that (look away Richmond fans) it was an all-time great sporting weekend for me on more than one front because this also happened.

That morning represented the high point of my interest in motor sports, and I started to drift away almost immediately afterwards. It's a worrying trend that three times in my life teams I follow have won something major (if we count this as major, which we might as well for the sake of the story) and I've rapidly lost interest soon after. In this case walking away was actually quite silly because Jordan got even better the next year and won two races. Sure I was still watching, and was happy when they won but by 1999 I had bigger issues to deal with. For instance the time I had a teenage nervous breakdown triggered (but not directly caused by) Wimbledon losing a Premier League match 2-0 to Charlton Athletic. But I'm saving that one for my autobiography.

By 2002 my relationship with Formula One had as good as ended, and the times I did tune in usually ended with Takuma Sato smashing into a wall because he was NOT VERY GOOD AT DRIVING A CAR QUICKLY. I'd given up for good by the time Jordan scored their fourth and last win under controversial circumstances in 2003, and while the team soldiered on with rapidly diminishing returns through 2004 they were pretty much completely shot. 11 of 12 points scored in their last year came from finishing 3rd and 4th in a farcical race where only six cars, including two Minardis which by that point would have lost to a Lada, started.

Having bought a really bad second hand Renault (it made a sound like jungle drums when you drove at low speeds) I started following them from 2006, a rare time when I've successfully jumped on the bandwagon of a successful team and not destroyed them, and for a couple of years it was glorious. They shut the door at the end of 2011 and I gave up on F1 for good, maybe someday a team or a driver will come along that inspires me to follow but for now it's a case of turning on, watching for five minutes, going "ooh Vettel's won again", hoping to see a non-lethal stack or two then moving on.

But at least, thanks to the voice of Red Rooster, I got a few good years out of the sport. And for that I am now prepared to concede that he wasn't such a shit bloke after all.

Next edition - I'll probably have more childhood memories shattered by YouTube

Previously

#1 - Tim Zoehrer's comeback at the WACA (1994)

Thursday, 12 December 2013

TSP's Obscure Moments in Sport #1

A series in which, if I don't give up after one, I'll explore otherwise pointless or inconsequential moments which represent highlights in my sporting life.

#1 - Tim Zoehrer makes his comeback - Sunday 16 January, 1994.



Last Friday night, under 'heavy refreshment' at a Christmas party with the cricket on in the background one suitably pissed guest issued a challenge to anyone in the room with half an interest in cricket (and that's about where I sit these days) to compile their all-time favourite cricket XI.

Well, who doesn't love a list? The rules were set out in more detail than should have been possible given the circumstances, but the most important clause was mine - it didn't have to be the best side you've ever seen in your life, because if it was everyone would pick the same side, it had to be one featuring the players you'd enjoyed watching the most in person or on TV. Sure, you had to be reasonably sensible and not pick Dwayne Leverock but as far as I was concerned that pretty much left the field open for anybody who had played more than a handful of internationals for a test playing country.

Or so I thought. After all I wouldn't have flinched if somebody had picked Zimbabwe's Eddo Brandes based on the 1994/95 World Series Cup and his foul mouth. Democracy and all that. So, it was much to my surprise when late Monday after my side was revealed there were universal howls of derision at my choice of wicketkeeper.

The common theme was how, from all the keepers in the world from the mid 80's onwards, could I have plumped for a 10 test player from an era were Australia were, quite frankly, shit? Had they bothered to look up his record in test teams (one win, five draws, three losses, one tie) there might have been an industry shutdown as I was kicked to death. It was a double blow to the community that while Adam Gilchrist - as did everyone else - that he was booted out from behind the stumps in the Supermercado XI to make way for the great man.

What they missed while concentrating on the obscure nature of the selection was that his inclusion was actually a bit of a scam, because I'd only ever seen him play one international match on television.

My fascination with the fiery (possibly insane?) Western Australian keeper and ex-WAFL footballer began somewhere during the summer of 1988/89. Before a vigorous round of hallway cricket at a school chum's house we were flicking through some sort of book featuring Sheffield Shield scores (not Wisden, I would discover the joy of obscure players in that later) and discovered that for some unknown reason this guy had bowled an over or two in a shield game.

At that age we were absolutely baffled. The major flaw, as we saw it, was that there was no point when you already had a bunch of bowlers. In retrospect it was probably along the same lines of pisstaking as when you used to see obscure county games in Wisden where a side were trying to buy a declaration and deliberately served pies to be clouted to all parts of the ground but at the time it was hard to comprehend that somebody else would simply don the gloves for an over - probably in an end of season game - and hope to get through six balls without copping a sharp edge to the face.

Ironically he turned out to be quite a handy bowler in the end (culminating in his five wicket first innings massacre of South Australia in 1991), but at this point he'd never even taken a first class wicket. Which didn't stop me adopting him as my chosen bowler and batsman for that day's hallway test. Presumably spectacular success was had and he instantly became my favourite player. Suddenly while everyone else was frothing at the mouth over Dean Jones on television I was left scouring the paper for Shield results.

By the time I jumped on board he'd already been ditched as Australian keeper, Ian Healy was firmly entrenched in the top job and in the days before the internet and Pay TV coverage of state cricket Zoehrer might as well have been a fictional character for all I knew. How I hoped that when the Australian side left for England in 1989 that somehow Healy would be pushed aside and the great man would get a run.

It was never to be, but what I didn't understand at that age was that there was more to cricket tours than just the games shown on TV. Tests and ODIs were the main event, but there was also a whole carnival of games played against a motley assortment of county sides, minnows and teams that sounded like they’d been named by a random generator.

While Australia thrilled to the sight of Healy playing his bit in a famous Ashes triumph, our Tim was toiling away against the Duchess of Norfolk’s XI (1 run), Sussex (11), Somerset (48), Yorkshire (1*), Warwickshire (0 as an opener), Lancashire (30), Oxford and Cambridge Universities (DNB), Scotland (2), Hampshire (42), Nottinghamshire (0), Kent (32), Essex (13 and 93 while opening AND his maiden first class wicket, a Mr BR Hardie caught by Allan Border), the Netherlands (6 and 3/33!), the Netherlands again (9* and 1/32 off 10) and Denmark (8 and 1/26 off 7).

For romantic purposes I'd like to think that I followed these matches through the paper, but the reality is that even if the results were buried somewhere between lawn bowls and greyhound racing results (they probably weren't) the demolition job that we were doing on the Poms took the focus off glory clashes like Australia vs Minor Counties. Sadly for Zoehrer loyalists everywhere Heals never suffered a mystery injury in a hotel lift and retained his place in all the important games.

Not long after the tour of England I lost heart for what was a seemingly futile struggle and transferred my affections to Timbo’s big hitting teammate Tom Moody. It gave me a good three years of watching him drop in and out of the Australian side before being temporarily joining Zoehrer in the ‘where are they now’ file, then gloriously bouncing back to win the 1999 World Cup

This cowardly refusal to fight on when all hope was lost caused me to miss Tim's Viking-like invasion of England in 1993 where he seemed to balance failing miserably with the bat at every turn with cutting a swathe through the batting lineups of minor league sides at what must have been a record rate for a keeper. How I wish at the time I’d known about his 1/3 against Warwickshire, 3/23 against a clearly bemused Ireland (all out for 89 chasing 361), 2/24 against Kent and 6/128 over two innings against Essex.

Still, Healy was again (sadly) indestructible and the gates were closed to Tim. In a way he should have been pleased to have even been included in touring parties considering his antics during the 1986/87 tour of the UAE. Considering his rubbish figures with the bat on the Ashes tour it was almost inevitable that he was done for.

Then something glorious happened.. to Ian Healy. One glorious throw by portly New Zealander Mark Greatbatch bruised his ankle – and with Phil Emery still 10 months away from his brief international career - a 32-year-old Zoehrer was forced to cancel a BBQ and front up at the WACA for a glorious homecoming. His first international match since early 1987. Maybe if the game had been somewhere else their keeper would have got the call-up instead - and thus we were denied Tim Nielsen, Darren Berry or Mark Atkinson - so thank god Greatbatch's hefty arm gunned down Healy days before the game in Perth.

Time has certainly obscured some of what happened that day, and it's only thanks to the magic of the Robelinda archive for uploading the surviving footage above that we have anything to remember it by, but I remember being transfixed to the screen all day. It didn't hurt that I had a tremendous sporting crush on the early 90's South African teams.

The details of South Africa's innings are a mystery to me now, and I can only recount them courtesy of the scorecard but things started well enough for the TZ powered Australians. Glenn McGrath did his bit by knocking Peter Kirsten's block off, but Zoehrer contributed by catching Kirsten's brother Gary off Mark Waugh and stumping Craig Matthews off Shane Warne (we are also thankful to Robelinda for bring back Bill Lawry's call that Matthews' footwork was "Like a waltz with no music") as Australia restricted the visitors to 209.

At this point, back when ODIs still meant something and there were no secondary channels to shunt them off to, 209 promised a close game and a bonus early night for the eastern states where Channel 9 would have to fill with an episode of Wings or Night Court. The Australians were obviously very keen on filler programming as they turned 4-92 into a thumping defeat.

At least, with Australia about to go tits up at a rapid rate, the crowd got to welcome the great man to the crease with what I'm glad I remembered correctly as a heroes reception - including a GOD sign which even I consider a bit over the top. He joined Damien Martyn – later to figure in Zoehrer’s sacking from WA after Tim tried to biff him – but their partnership lasted all of one run thanks to Martyn being dismissed for a duck which left the Aussies teetering on the brink at 6-93.

If it had been a movie (The Surly Wicketkeeper, starring Stephen Curry) he’d have guided the bowlers through the next 120 odd runs, we’d have won gloriously and he'd have recaptured the national job until history got back on track by Adam Gilchrist harpooning him a few years later. Instead he battled to 9 in partnership with Paul Reiffel, lucky not to get run-out by the usually deadly Jonty Rhodes after giving up having down the pitch, before copping a dodgy LBW decision to another member of my all-star XI Fanie De Villiers.

With the crowd hushed by the decision you can see him briefly thinking about decking the umpire, but the prospect of losing payments in what would undoubtedly be his last international innings must have got the better of him. He walked off, Shane Warne walked on (and then walked off again very quickly after being run out for 1) and the Aussies were dismissed just 17 runs later for a paltry 126. Three days later Healy was back behind the stumps at the MCG (I’d have gone if Zoehrer had still been there) and Australia went on to win the tournament.

It was all downhill from there. Western Australia signed the young Adam Gilchrist for the 1994-95 season, and already pushed down the pecking order Zoehrer was soon sacked after only the saintly presence of Thomas Masson Moody stopped him from belting Martyn in an argument . He rushed released an autobiography said to be a master class in bitterness and recrimination (which to my shame I've still not read) then fell off the face of the earth - apparently later coaching and playing in "The Netherlands". Which was not a patch on his 1993 appearance for the Scarborough Festival President's XI where he was dismissed for naught by the great Eddo Brandes himself.

Even Phil Emery had misty eyed retrospectives written about him in the mid 90’s, while Tim got short shrift – possibly because he was touring "The Netherlands" at the time - only appearing as a bit part player in bribery scandals and as support in every single article written about Adam Gilchrist for 15 years, before re-emerging for a comedy appearance alongside Bruce Reid in a 2005 Chairman’s XI vs South Africa match (had the chairman been drinking?). A search of the Fairfax archive shows that he’s only been mentioned six times in their papers since the start of 2008, and two of them were in quiz questions. The last time anybody asked him for his opinion was January 2006, and what he's up to now is a complete mystery.

At least we’ll always have Perth.

Next edition - Motor racing magic