Tuesday, 16 February 2010

TSP's Corporate Love Day Spectacular 2010

(Catch up with 2009 if you missed it)

Well, I wasn't going to it this year. How many times can you sit down and waste two or three hours furiously retyping the bizarre bleetings of hornbags, depressed bastards and long distance stalkers?

BUT, in a great 21st century "how good is the internet?" moment the Herald Sun have decided to waste precious bandwidth by putting all the messages online. You'll also note they kept the same trannie mascot as last year. You'll also note that the quality of spelling in this country has become worse than me on Twitter. So, two days late but here we go nonetheless.

To give you something to listen to you have the choice of the three of the most romantic songs ever;




Mystifying Messages
A CRYPTIC NOTE
Chickie Faye will and you Libby be were my 100km girlfriend? apart so Faye much was fun travelling kiss 100kmh kiss and frigme Libby 1 year! 25 kmh Bellagio if Bronx Faye steps stops ponytail halfway pretty. _ UTS xx.

AF
Howappy Balentine! I lub u wun hundered million. U are my beth fwen. Meith....Lub Alwayth and Foweba Cowatt, Sito ana Hebi. I tiyad. Hickle et. No not. [I'm not convinced that hasn't been run through faulty text recognition software - 1.0]

BRETT MOLONEY
My Gift from.. "LORD KING JESUS CHRIST" I Love You ETERNALLY My Mighty Man Of GOD. Your Wife For Life ANNA xxx

BUBBA
Careful! Water dwagons play on dis woad! I luv ya even though we grump sometimes! Luv ur Bunnynose with a Dino Bump!

BUBI
Happy Valentine's Day. Can't wait to the day it's just me and you on the dance floor.Love u forever and always your one and only bubz. MUSKELTEARS FOREVER XOXO

CAMERON
You are number 1. (heart) Cameron

DEANYYY
My turtle, my poodle, my chicken, dear boo boo .. I loves yous gutses to the moon and back .. MORE than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow .. You know you are my favourite person in the whole wide world .. Forever and ever, more than ever, I'm yours. Love, ME

DEAR LOZZA AND LEE LEE
I love you girls, I hope you love me me. Let's go out for dinner soon, just us 3. Maybe we can hang out& watch tv? Dahloo

GEORGE H
INDOCID - UR A PSYCHO baby! Surprise visitors for ya soon MF Cya GDH Love ya Sweetie x

GRETCHEN
Only 7 weeks to go babycakes to the wedding of the year! can't wait to make you my wife but today relax and enjoy the island with your manfriend, love davo

HAN HAN
I am as smitten today as I was the day I saw you standing outside the MCG in your Saints jumper and your blonde hair wavy from the rain. You make me feel lucky every day. I love you...in a forever kind of way. alicake

HAYAT
I love you for the qualities that make you so unique. - Murat.

HAYDEN
H is for Holmesglen Horse, A is for Albury, Y is for Yoghurt, D is for Diabetes, E is for Earlobes & N is for Nippy's. Happy Valentine's Day! Love U! Love Gav & Locky

JET BOY
U R STRONG, LOYAL, HAIRY, WELL MAINTAINED.................. BEST DOG EVER!! - BEAMA

KATIE BEAR
You are the pop in my corn, the bristle in my brush, the step in my ladder, the suds in my soap, you are the raisin in my bun and the pooh on my shoe. Will you be the Tex to my Johnny?

KING
My BFF I miss that first week we got together. All the sms's, flirting, the songs that meant so much to us (Lionel Ritchie) and the unit that holds all our memories (the skirt!!). We felt so safe back then. I hope that one day in a few years we can wake up together in the morning. Love always Queen.

KM
Love is like a lump of gold; hard to get and hard to hold. Of all the girls I've ever met, you're the one I can't forget. I do believe that God above, created you for me to love. He chose you from all the rest, because He knew I would love you the best

LEE
You smell like jam donuts and make me ROFL my face off! You're so adorable, I'm gonna wrestle and smoosh you :P

LEESA
It's taken 21 years for me to get it right, I hope you appreciate this when I see you tonight. 4 kids and lots of stress, our love always passes the test. I love everything about you, even your snoring, life with you is never boring.

LUKE
Baby, u mean to me what that carpark means to that volkswagon! Happy 1st Valentine's day spunk, the Cranklepot and I love u very much! hehe Love L

MASTER SINGH
Hey ya big poof. You've brightened up my life and you bring a smile to my face whenever I think of you. Happy Valentine's. - Donna Singh

MEGAN
Dear Megan, You continue to excite, interest and pleasure me after all these years. Lots of love PW

MIKEY MOOSK
Marrying my soulmate was the best thing I've ever done. I love adventuring through life with my baby bear. I ruv you, honey bunny. Lets add to our pack!

MUTTSTER - Mutt mutt you're so fine, mutt mutt you blow my mind, go muttster (clap clap, clap) go muttster (clap clap, clap)............ Love - Mutt

NANOOK
You are a goomba and a nuoko

PETER COOMBE
I love you so much. I know you can get back to training soon and finish Ironman South Africa with me. All my love Joey xxx

PETER WILLIAMS
Happy Valentine's Day to you and your family Love - Eileen Kimpton, Riverlea Hostel.

PIDDLYDAK
To my V, N and overseas H May piddlyDAK live long and prosper. Lkve _ your J. xoxo P.S. Wanna get some H.J's?

PIERRE
IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN U, MIA & UR TIGER BLANKET I'D STILL CHOOSE U, BUT ONLY JUST. HAPPY DAY THAT WE DON'T CELEBRATE! ALL MY LOVE RULZ XX

SHANNON RYAN
Your happiness means the world to me. If that means I have to eat salad, I will eat salad. Your Buby. [DON'T EAT THE FUCKING SALAD YOU SELLOUT - 1.0]

SMID
The man who believes he has 22 Wives! 20 of them are Bi's 22-20 = #2 Ezzalenko.

TO MY PREMIUM BOAG MAN
When I first met you, we shook hands, instantly I thought, where have you been all my life? Then some months later, you said those exact words to me. I feel blessed to have had a special night with you. I know you're my Soulmate, it may be a bumpy ride until we finally hold each other every night. Let's be patient as I know in my heart, we'll be fine. Yes, You're hot !!! Love - Kaz

V
99 999

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
I love you a zipillion percent

Sickening Nicknames
I'm retiring this section next year. These idiots come up with the same rubbish every time.

Alibaba
Angry Angus ("You tantalize my taste buds")
Anne of Greengables
Baby Boy
Baby Bunting
Baby Girl [+ about 5000 other variations on baby]
Banana
Batgirl
Batman
Beautiful Boombi
Benjamin Button
Big Dog
Big Fat Wombat
Big Nut Brown Hare
Bossy Boots
Bright Eyes
Bubby Giggle
Bumble Bee
Butthead
Carrot Stick
Chicken Bum
Chocolate Buddy
Chop Chop Hunny Bunny
Chubba Bubba
Cupcake
Darling Boof
Drummer Boy
Emmy Sunshine
Eve Hotpants
Fat Boy
Flicky
Flossy Bear
Freckles
Funkelbeanz
Golden Earring
Great Hunk of Spunk
Habibi
Hippo
Honey Bear [+ 5000 other versions of the honey theme]
Hotcakes
Iceman
Itchy Bumface
Jet Pilot
Kunta
Liquid Gold
Little Hummingbird
Little Peep
Little Pup
Luvabub
Marky Sparky
Marshmallow
Miss Stretchy
Miss Sunshine
Moo Moo
Mr. Big
Muffin
Mullet
Muppet
My Little Crawler
My True Penguin
Noodle
Oinky Lao Po
Peter Squishy
Pino King
Pipsqueaks
Plumpy
Poo Poo Head
Pootines
Potatohead
Princess Ballbreaker
Scarlet Pimpernel
Schnooks
Sexy Legs
Sexy Lil Spunkbubble
Smelly
Snapple
Snickers
Sparrow
Squelchy
Sugar Plum Fairy
Sweaty Cheeks
Sweetcheeks
The Roopracorn
Ticklish Tiger
Turkish Delight
Watermelon Man
Wee Monkey
Your Lady Gaga
Your Little Beyonce
Zippo
Zorro

Advertising Genius Section
Sadly doing this online means I can't see the advertising, which means I'll never know if they decided to run the NOTHING SAYS LOVE LIKE A HUMMER ad from 2009.

Celebrity Action
MORGAN FREEMAN
my handsome driver, eternally yours. Miss Daisy xx

Rotten Poetry
ANDY ADMIRAAL
Trucks, spiders & black goats, Gouldian's with blue dilute throats. Coffee, red meat & fire mouth fishes, crisp white undies & Koby's kisses. Head butts, bites & scratches from Hades, We'll have really cute babies. Happy V.D. My Honey Pot, I sure do love you a hell of a lot. Your betrothed Mandy XX

ANNMARIE
Til now you hold my heart. You're full of love, warmth and grace. You make the world a better place. You try so hard to make me see, the much better person I could be. For so long you have been my fiancee, I hope I haven't lost you from my life. I can see it all so very clear, things you thought I didn't hear. It feels you are so far away, wish I could hold your hand today. As I try to work things through, I realise how much I admire you. I will always love you

BABG
Yyou are truly my best friend
I will love you always till the end
These words include the usual junk
Except the promises I make when I'm drunk
Rest assured wherever we roam
It won't be long before our new home
A special world for you and me
Includes a bond only we can see
Love BABM

BETH - Interfamily weekend with your fam. A Valentine's poem from your man...oh damn. This can't be him, you're sure to think... No it's true, Al's poems they stink

BRENDEN - You are my tender vegetarian schnitzel. Your lovely red hair makes me want to whitzle. Lots of love - Your Scottish Thitzle

CAROL KUPSCH
I wish that you could see through my eyes, so then my pleasure would be yours, the rapture of our dalliance become the elysium of coverture. My Concubine divine, none other has the grace and wit, nor enchanting contours to compare.

CAROLYNN BERKMAN
If love was a minute, then I love you an hour. If love was a petal, I'll give you the whole flower. Love may not be an easy thing to define, But know in your heart, you are my only Valentine.

CHICKEN
Maxy is here right by my side, he's under my wing as my joy and pride, you are here too-right in the middle, I'm waiting for the next one so as to complete this diddle. [Surely they actually wrote 'riddle' - 1.0]

DEBBI
Getting older can be a pain, But with you along, I can't complain. Despite the things that we go through, I know I'll never stop loving you

ELIAS
Should any soul, this earth walk Imagine but a 10th of the joy Your love instills in me, Ever more they shall be doomed to live, but mortally wounded Knowing never to feel such pure delight. Jealous, even those who are jealous not. I will attempt to inscribe in ink, to carve and record that which feel, to cause such jealousy not, but to give hope for others, false as it is. For no being in this life, could do what you do to me. Most precious are those pre dawn moments, I watch you sleep. You are my dreams. Sleep drowsed, dishevelled, feet then touch and entwine. Held by you, encircled, flooded memories of that first embrace, you know the one I mean. To slowly wake together a new dawning day, feeling your touch I inhale you, your breath I breathe. Daily you are my rock, My knight, my rescuer, the other side of a formidable wall, determination, your battlefield skill, persistence your weapon, A crusade you will not lose and you rescue me literally. My dream giver, predicting all that I covet, all that I hope, toiling to deliver my every desire. My genie, the wishes you grant, infinite. I am happy, I am in love, and the day ends and we lay together again. Entwined falling into dreams together, time an irrelevance, it is then, it is now, it is always. Forever - Colleen.

EMILY
Times are tough at the moment that is for sure, We have two kids now and we're not having four. I know getting no sleep can bring you close to tears, But that's no excuse for drinking my beers. I'm sorry that I can't get you a brand new bed, But I promise you this - I'll get you a nice bottle of red Love - Red.

FETTA WONG
Roses are red, violets are blue, I've only been gone for five minutes, how about you? Will you be my Valentine?!

HELEN HI!
How Orion doth glow In nightly skies, Its stars The Hunter ethereal Of noble eclat Low o'er venery eyes Of fires Made in number eternal. Helen, thank you for making me realise what love truly is. Best wishes for this year.

JANE
You're my bestie and I love you so much, And you make me squeal when you grab my hand. Jane you're my soulmate and I love you to bits, And there's nothing better than sucking your toes. This Valentine's poem I hope makes you smile, Keeps me in the good books for a little while. Well here we are at the end, I love you Minty you're my best friend.

KAREN J
Loving you is like loving the sea thinking I am in control then finding the waves crashing over me I wonder if I should give up sailing before I drown in you?

KATE ADMIRAAL
It's amazing that after all this time, each day, my love for you is stronger as the wonderful length of time we have been together grows longer. And right now I want to tell everyone and make it official, that after all these years together, you are now even more beneficial! Love always! Mark

KEZ
You have a tattoo of my name on your rear, But of needles I have a fear, So I did the next best thing, I engraved your name upon my ring. My name's got bigger so to speak, And as it's romance that I seek, This verse is butt tongue in cheek

LHC
Roses are red Shamrocks are green Once again you and I Will make a good working team

LILLIAN
In my own romantic way, I just want to say, that I live and breathe you every day. The key to my heart was yours from the start, with loving bliss I give you this Kiss. Just by chance should you accept my advance, come with my for a life of romance.

LOUISE
Even though we are far apart, You are always in my heart. Soon in our igloo- just you and me, Happy Eskimos forever being silly mushy peas.

LOUISE
I see a distant tree next to a brook in a field of flowers. I see you from afar standing in your white dress blowing in the wind. You are the most beautiful person in all the world to me. I walk up to you and I kiss you softly and you smile and I whisper, I love you so much will you be my Valentine.

MAREE
Passionate lady, the queen, my Maree. Closer we are, more closer to be. Bright sunshine of love, star light of desire Inside I am me, beside you I'm fire. Love all ways. Mr Speechley

MOSES B
Unto my twin flame and our son Zadkiel whom awaits patiently with me for the veil of ignorance to lift. And unto Sarah for her assumption of what true love light and God's Will really is. Happy Valentine's Day to all that shine, force their light, that the blind may see that it's love that honestly conquers all, not lust, nor greed, nor jealousies or vanities. God Bless you all

RAKHAL
I never placed a loving ad for all the world to see: That's the incredible effect you have on me. I'm proud to be yours and to share our life together, Knowing our love will unite us forever. Happy Valentine's Day Honne!

SEXY PRINCESS
As our hearts bleed & our eyes weap, the aches and pains seem to never end, our dreams and goals are set in concrete, in our minds, and we wish to achieve them together. The future is in reach, it's an arms length away. That pot of gold, full of love and happiness is at that foreseeable day. Love you so much my special one. Your Knight xo

SHARON
Roses is violets, Reds is blue. If I sound confused, It's because I love you. What a good friend you are to me, and what a better person you have helped me to be.

SORTIE JADEITA
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye. Only from the heart can you reach the sky.

TERRY H (Hairy Monster)
I just want you to know, I think you're grouse, For building us such a beautiful new house, It would be good if you could finish it though, And give me lots more money to blow. Nearly forgot your message today, Can you imagine what Gary would say. Happy Valentine's Day darling. Lots of love 6 days and 7 nights.

Pisstake Central
GREG AND SHERRI
To everyone who reads our messages each year, Happy Valentine's Day from us.

Stalkers Corner
AMANDA
I don't know why I didn't realise this earlier. I love you so much. I miss you. Let's reignite the flame we once had. I know it's not too late. There is so much more for us to accomplish together. I LOVE YOU - David

BRIAN R
I think I saw you at Southbank but not sure. It was Wed. Jan. 20th, 2010 at around 1.30 pm. The penny dropped when I walked on. I still think of you sleepless in Seaford - CATHERINE

CAPTAIN
I loved you from the very start and even though you broke my heart I will always love you - TRICKS

CHRISTINE VAN DE WOUW
U r my heart & soul without u i live in pain. Please dont give up on us we can get through this we always do. Things will b so much different this time i never want to lose you ever again love always James xoxo

DIESEL SEWELL
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I look forward to my final event later this year with you! [Sounds like he's planning murder - 1.0]

DONNA
No longer together, always thinking of you. Forever in my heart just a phone call away. - Scuba Steve.

DOROTHY LOUISE It's been a long time, but do you fancy a coffee. Reply by Public Notices. - David John [Nothing says love like a direct order - 1.0]

HELEN-MARY
My darling Helen, even after 38 years the sadness still fills my heart when I think of the day that you told me it was over between us. I am so sorry that I ruined 2 years of your life, and knowing that you would never want me back is something I have to live with morning and night for the rest of my life. You were my first Helen, my best friend, and the first and only girl I ever loved. Not a day goes past that I don't say that I love you. I will love you forever my darling Helen, I will love you until the day I die. Your perfume "Fidji" keeps you near to me always. _ Your loving Sweetpea G XXX

JACQUI
Although it has been nearly two years since you left after 30 years together, you are in my thoughts every minute of every day. I love you more now than I ever have and I always will. I pray every day that one day you may come home. I will never give up on you, Jacqui. All my love - Paul

JODIE M
I know that Jodie I've done you wrong, I send my thoughts to keep you strong. One day I still hope that we may be, As I love you and deep down I know you love me

LEIGH
Leigh at Broadford, please contact Claire at Doncaster East at niie at live.com.au

LIZ
We met at CHILLOUT on Sunday. You wore a suit and a man's felt hat. My senses must have treed away for my mind seemed not to see, this awesome lady, who held my coffee for me! Again I'll bring my whippet from Blackwood to the fair, then perhaps my Angel, please make sure you're there.

MY POD, BEKTAPOD, BEEPOD
I'm sorry I walked out on you, at the time I was angry, In my heart you'll always be, to remind me of my stupidity. Please call, your beast.

N
To the very hot one. Nice style. Can we talk please. Same place, time and day, or Tuesday? kxxk

PILOT MAN
Tall, dark, handsome, 5.2.10 @ 8.50 a.m. Hob - Melb. Be my Valentine!! You're hothothot and I'm cutecutecute. - Stripey Girl.

SCOTT
Bop, I miss you. Please call me. Bep xoxo

TINA
MISS OUR CHATS - Andrew.

Just Plain Creepy
Aaron (hearts) Rochelle
To the best Mummy and Daddy in the World, have a happy Valentine's Day - Love Abbie XO

ANDRE
Hope you get one today - Ros

ANDREW
YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY !! BUT I STILL LOVE YOU !! STILL WAITING FOR THE OTHER 6 INCHES YOU PROMISED ME !! JIM xo

ANTHONY PETER SHARPE
I love you - Your first wife Jo

BOO
Meet me all the way. I want you in my life forever. Forever is nothing without YOU.Love Always YOUR COUGAR.xxxxxx

CHERYL
You came, you overwhelmed. Your squeals and size will never be forgotten

CREEP NUMBER 2
Dearest Creep Number 2 - Happy Valentines Day - I love watching you creep on others. Next time I hope I get to share the bottom bunk with you - Much love x

DALE
`If you love something set it free, If it comes back it's yours to keep' and I'm back. Happy Valentine's Day. - Juliette. x x x

FLIC
I know your scared about the future. I believe it's meant to be. I hope time makes you realise what you want. I Love You. Always and forever - Jase xx

GERRY
You may not be my Valentine, but you sure are the best Dad in the world. - Lisa

IKROOP
You're the BEST son in the whole wide world. We love you. Love - Mum and Dad

JESS W
Little Ghost, when you accepted that ring upon which my loneliness is written, why did you not say... my love waits for me? Because, adored one, I wait for you.

KANE (DADDY!)
Youre still as gorgeous as the day I 1st laid eyes on you! Luv always! Mel xx Daddy lots of seal kisses for u! Luv u nearly as much as I luv Mr Spotty! :-) Zoe xx

MATTHEW JAMES
I love you more than all the history books I am so very proud of my gorgeous boy Happy Valentine's Day Lots of Love - Mum

MY HOLDEN V8 Man
WOW, "What's going on there"? We did it! More than 20 years since I left your side, we are back together as one and this time 4ever. See dreams do come true! I can't wait to get old with you as a diabolical couple truly made in Heaven! Kisses and lovin' in Paris and the Mile High Club, "BRING IT ON" Baby! Happy Valentine's Day my gorgeous man!! Love always _ "YOUR Holden V8 Girl" xoxoxo

NICOLA BOND
It is written

NICOLE NELSON
I'm sorry for all those vet visits Happy Valentine's Day. Love Sadie. (woof woof)

PJM66
Q. Am I your Lord? (Will you marry me?) A. Love is a slave to the heart not the soul. (Yes I will) - DHJ456.

ST KILDA
Flag for 2010 - Paula 5034 [She must have the most tragic love life of anyone on here - 1.0]

And that's it... Votes on your favourite are open until February 13th 2011.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

It's A Grand Old (Put Away Your) Flag

It has been my long held belief that nobody over ten should be allowed to wave a flag in a football ground. Security guards should be detailed to grab the things and snap them in two as the user is clearly not in any mental state to be carrying a metre long pole.

And so, from the media coverage of the Round 9, 1909 game against Collingwood;

Any person waving flags or banners inside the ground or stand enclosures will be expelled

Who said the world hasn't progressed in the last 100 years? I'd say they knew exactly what they were doing.

After the game,
The committee were commended for their decision with regard to the waving of flags. It was contended that the flaunting of flags is more likely to lead to a disturbance than anything else connected with football.

The supporter who considers it necessary to show his devotion to a club in that way is generally a weak-minded barracker whose support is rather baneful than helpful, or possibly one of a "push" deliberately inviting a disturbance.

This year the foolish fad is very noticeable, and leads sometimes to fighting but more frequently to abusive and foul language".


I invite you to direct 'abusive and foul language' at any grown humans you see waving flags at the ground this year. Whether or not you take this to heart and wade into the cheer squad throwing haymakers is your business, but remember this the next time some 40-year-old tosser almost takes your eye out while swinging one of these things around.