Thursday, 28 May 2009

Triple AM

At the risk of the first serious post on here for about five years there are some whinges that you can't fully develop in a 140 word Twitter update (Tweet? Get stuffed).

*start talkback radio outrage*

Everyone's got their views on the Matthew Johns/Cronulla Sharks fiasco. It would be charitible to say that 5% of people in Melbourne knew who Johns was before a couple of weeks ago (let alone his much more accomplished brother) yet in the last couple of weeks he's basically become the brand name for debauchery and dodgy behaviour. A tad harsh I'd have thought, but we all know Australia loves a bandwagon to jump on. Even poor Schapelle Corby feels so forgotten that she's had to do a bit of froth at the mouth nutbag work to get back into the papers.

Now, whatever you think about the Cronulla fiasco is your business. I'm not going to try and convince you one way or the other but think for a second how many hours were wasted discussing it on radio and television. How many newspaper column inches spent slaughtering footy players for being meatheads? Rebecca Wilson, probably the most pointless figure in Australian sports (a nose to Craig Hutchison), is making a living out of being outraged.

Now, once you've framed the amount of coverage that incident got in your mind then read this story. Buried on the "Victoria" page of the Herald Sun website and beneficiary of 20 seconds on tonight's news.

A CHILD rapist who broke his parole only 24 hours after being released from jail is being hunted by police.

Andrew Darling was released on parole last week after serving a nine-year sentence for raping a 13-year-old girl.

Nine years? Nine fucking years? Why isn't this the front page scandal. The fact that he's on the loose is bad enough, but how come nobody seems to care that he only served nine years? The news wasted an entire story on a widow of a man killed in an industrial accident having a whinge because the company only got fined $300,000. Tragic loss and all, but what does she want them to do - bring him back? Elsewhere somebody's life is effectively ruined at 13 and nobody really seems to care. Just give a

I'm no fan of capital punishment, and I'm for people who legitimately stuffed up being given a second chance but surely the various assorted freaks like this can't have any excuse. "Sorry your honor, I accidentally raped her". Get fucked. You get pissed, you stack your car and kill a family - you should do 15 years and get another go. You rob a bank and get busted, do 10 years and walk out. Fair enough. But this? My god. There are crimes that deserve to see people locked away for the rest of their life, and if this isn't one of them then what sort of society are we living in?

And what do the media do about it? The Herald Sun are always trying to position themselves as the defenders of all things good and true, and they're too busy hanging around Ben Cousins' driveway to make any sort of statement about what a shambles sentencing in this country is. Politicians? Opening golf courses and making pissweak internet ads.

Next financial year get yourself a game card (not from the Herald Sun, they're too busy printing the latest "global warming is fake" bollocks by Andrew Bolt) and play "Bullshit Sentence Bingo". See if you can find one ridiculously lenient sentence in every field of crime, then one that seems completely over the top for an otherwise ordinary case. By June 30 2010 your house will be full of game cards. Unfortunately you don't win anything except the right to vote at a State Election for one of two parties who couldn't give a shit about anything but their own rorts.

* end talkback radio outrage*

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Fantasy Eurovision 2009 - Results Spectacular

*Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Wimbledon dog track for the startling conclusion to this year's night of nights. And here's your host... Ugly Dave"

"Ere, I'm back. You know last week after the show I walked into a bar. Didn't 'alf 'urt. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, let's get on with it. Me mother in law is outside and she'll just die if I don't take her for a walk. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, if you want to recap the acts one more time go here. Otherwise as the results come in we'll be joined by some often casually racist stereotypes for their reactions. Are you ready? Well let's start with last, because they're the furthest away from first."

23. Greece - Diamanda Galas : 0 points
Deep shock and resentment there in Athens. The selection committee will surely now be wondering if they should have gone for Yanni and his blistering synth pop moustache instead of a wailing crazy woman.

=22. England - The Members : 8 points
A very poor showing for the English, but aren't the fans taking it well? As is so often the case for the English it's a bottom five finish. Would Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark have done any better? We'll never know.

=22. Scotland - The Proclaimers : 8 points
Shockingly poor result for one of the favourites of the competition, and look the Scottish fans have come all the way to Wembley Stadium to protest about it.

20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - : 9 points
Shock in rural Ireland as their favourite sons go down to a heavy defeat. Father Ted unavailable for comment due to being, err, dead.

19. Spain - Las Ketchup : 13 points
There's Don Flamenco. Noted Spanish boxer and Nintendo character. He's not at all pleased but did stop to tell us that it's not his fault that his country have produced bugger all decent pop artists.

18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban : 18 points
A poor result for the singing dentist from the land of the Tulip.

17. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - : 21 points
Poor result for the sleaziest Frenchman ever born. His understudy, however, has found time to chat up a young girl in Serge's honor. The great man himself did have time to give this victory speech from beyond the grave.

16. Romania - Enigma : 24 points

It's over to Bucharest, where they haven't had much to smile about since the fall of Ceacescu, and that won't change tonight as the song that a million babies was concieved to fails to finish in the top half. Food rationing for all.

=14. Norway - A-ha : 25 points
Shocking scenes in Oslo where everybody asks "Surely we'd won if they'd picked Take On Me". Well, that's not the way it works kids.

=14. Portugal - Rui Da Silva : 25 points
Obscure artist in 'better than expected' shock. Portuguese national football team said to be "thrilled" at being included due to the lack of any actual Portugal related stereotypes than didn't involve Angolans and machine guns.

13. East Germany - Nina Hagen : 27 points
Wild scenes in East Berlin! The hometown girl has beaten almost half of Europe and they're jumping for joy!

12. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey : 31 points
News just in from Belfast, TISM have been recruited to fill this slot next year.

11. Moldova - O-Zone : 34 points
Possibly anti-Numa Numa backlash causes best foreign bubblegum language pop song of the millenium to fail to crack the top ten. This young lady's not too concerned though, all she's worried about is having to go back there.

10. Austria - Falco : 35 points
It's Don't Turn Around, Der Koroner's in town for the Austrian Eurovision tilt this year.

=6. Italy - Albert One : 38 points
Even massive corruption and gangland activity couldn't drive this porky italo disco classic to top spot. The above gentleman are working on an entry which we hope to be seeing in 25-40 years.

=6. Denmark - Aqua : 38 points
Strangely these guys don't seem to be that concerned about Denmark's failure.

=6. Iceland - The Sugarcubes : 38 points
Music by Bjork, jumpers by Daryl Somers. Strong result for the eccentric, and suddenly bankrupt, island nation.

=6. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand : 38 points
Nobody knows what a Belgian looks like, so we invited his Royal Majesty King Albert II to do the honours. He said in a statement "France, Belgium and Germany - suck on this"

5. West Germany - The Real McCoy : 40 points
Celebrations and drunken slurring all around for the highest finish of the "big four" nations. Clearly a more crowd pleasing choice than the semi-final runner up "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions.

4. Switzerland - DJ Otzi : 43 points
Strange things happen when you Google Image search for the Swiss Navy.

3. Wales - Catatonia : 46 points
No, it's not a late entry from the Black and White Minstrel Show. Because that, unlike showing pictures of Moldovan prostitutes, would be racist. No, it's just some Welsh miners showing their glee at finishing in the coveted third position on the night.

2. Russia - TATU : 52 points
The world loves sleaze, and even better if it involves a pair of schoolgirls! This is such a popular result that Russia's greatest musical exports (even though they were from Germany) couldn't help but stop in and pay their tribute. Quoth the lead singer "AHAHAHAHA! HEY!"

And that only leaves one. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of Fantasy Eurovision 2009. You guessed it;

1. Sweden - Roxette : 55 points
And if you thought you had sat through 22 other acts just to see some scantily clad Swedish women writhing in celebration then you were wrong.

Let's get them out here for one more round of the winning song. Per and Marie, you crazy - and yes, hot - kids. Get out here now.

Right, that's it for this year. Direct your lawsuits to Channel 10 c/o Wobbies World Nunawading. Shall we go out on a song? Right lads and ladettes, let's hear it. Goodnight Europe.


Monday, 25 May 2009

TSP is your Geographical Connection

What do you think the meeting was like when they named the Central African Republic?

"We need a name for a republic that's in the centre of Africa"

*Out come the bottles of champagne*

Yes kids, African history is that simple. Of course our friends from Bangui went on to ruin things with some very dubious behaviour,

Between 17 April and 19 April a number of elementary school students were arrested after they had protested against wearing the expensive, government-required school uniforms. Around one hundred were killed. Bokassa allegedly participated in the massacre, beating some of the children to death with his cane.

Write into the 50/50 column and suggest that as an alternative to national service for the kids. Joy Buttress from Dromana would.

Monday, 18 May 2009

Fantasy Eurovision 2009

(Dear readers,

Last night's Eurovision was as dull as you've come to expect. No novelty songs, no classics. I'll get around to doing a write up eventually, but in it's place we now cross to the England for a version special TSP interactive event...)

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wimbledon Greyhound Stadium for Europe's all time night of nights. Please welcome your host for the evening, the one and only

Ugly Dave Gray.

'ere thank you very much. You know, when they rang me up and offered me the chance to host this evening I told my wife and she turned to me and said "It's going to be a special occasion. I'd like you to put me in something long and flowing". So I threw her in the river. Boom Boom.

Anyway, on with the evening. The rules for Fantasy Eurovision are as follows;

* No matter if the singers carked it years ago. After all we've all died on stage at one point or another.
* No boring three minute limit for songs.
* In the event of more than one nominee being available for the nation then the participant has been randomly drawn.

Got that? Good. You know, on my way here tonight I walked past a couple a couple of flies. One looked down at the other and said "Don't look now, but your human's open" Ah ah ah ah ah ah.

Err anyway. Once you're done refreshing your memory of the classic hits contained within scroll down to the bottom to cast your vote in this important contest. Viewers across the world are hanging on the results.

Shall we all have a bit of a singalong then? Alright, let's have contestant #1

No, not that number one. This number one;

1. Switzerland - DJ Otzi "Hey Baby"

2. Wales - Catatonia "Road Rage"

3. East Germany - Nina Hagen "New York, NY"

4. Denmark - Aqua "Dr Jones"

5. Portugal - Rui Da Silva "Touch Me"

6. West Germany - The Real McCoy "Come and Get Your Love"

7. Italy - Albert One "Turbo Diesel"

8. Russia - TATU "All The Things She Said"

9. Iceland - The Sugarcubes "Birthday"

10. Moldova - O-Zone "Dragostea Din Tei"

11. Sweden - Roxette "Joyride"

12. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand "Ca Plane Pour Moi"

13. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey "A Good Heart"

14. England - The Members "Sound of the Suburbs"

15. Norway - A-ha "The Sun Only Shines On TV"

16. Greece - Diamanda Galas "Double Barrel Prayer"

17. Spain - Las Ketchup "The Ketchup Song"

18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban "Sing Hallelujah"

19. Austria - Falco "Der Kommissar"

20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - "Irish Rover"

21. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - "Bonny and Clyde"

22. Scotland - The Proclaimers "500 Miles"

23. Romania - Enigma "Sadeness Pt. 1"

Wasn't that marvellous?

Now for the most important part of the evening. Click here to cast your vote.

While you vote let's take a look at the act that the reason we're in majestic South London tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning champions - Cats UK

Results will be available after a decent period of reflection.

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Kontroversy Korner

I've got an issue with the TAC and their advertising. Now, disclaimers ahoy, we're all about dropping the road toll and you should certainly never drive - or go into strange motel rooms with footballers - after 25 beers and a bottle of vodka BUT their two most recent ads are an absolute farce.

Commercial A - Speed

Opens with a bit of harsh piano work and a singer wailing about how "I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that I somehow believe that they're real". Heartstrings tugged out, everyone sheds a tear and the message is fairly obvious - don't drive like a dickhead and you won't wreck the lives of your, or somebody else's - friends and family. But then they cock it up with the worst tag-line of all time.

"This is why you're photographed when you speed."

Yeah, that's wonderful but get your list of speed cameras out and tell me how many of them are on roads with a top speed of 80kph or more. Are they suggesting that tragic loss of life in a variety of incidents is why people are being stung for doing 64 in a 60 zone? Who knows what the stories behind the advertisement are, but I'm willing to bet that most of them involved some serious 150 in a 100 zone style speed, not 55 in a 50 zone. We're photographed when we speed because the whole state revenue would go tits up without it. How many times do you see a report of a fatal speed related crash in the country? And how many times have you driven hundreds of kilometres through the country and not seen one speed camera or police radar?

There's no money in sticking a camera behind a tree in Yackandandah so they won't do it, there's a billion dollars to be made nailing people on the Westgate Bridge so they do. Don't try to pretend you're being high and mighty now. For the record I don't necessarily disagree with the 3kph lee-way on speeding. I think it could stand to be proportional to the speed limit itself, to admit that 63 is not the same as 103 but I can live with it. More importantly I firmly believe that anyone doing 20 or 30kph over the limit without the best reason ever should lose their licence for five years if not more.

The message is right. Slow the fuck down and behave yourself, but to pretend that nailing people for going 4 or 5kph over the limit at relatively low speeds is any kind of public service is a joke. Going by the comments on that Youtube video when anyone dared to suggest the ad is a farce I expect somebody to lose the plot over this but don't miss the point - speed is one thing but you're photographed to prevent a calamity at 121kph on the Hume Highway, not 64kph on Orrong Road. Direct your emotional blackmail to the right markets.

Commercial B - Drink Driving

Couldn't find a copy of this one online, but I'm sure you've seen it. Two guys are in a pub and have absolutely no idea if they're over the limit or not. One is bigger, one has been drinking already, the standard drinks aren't actually standard drinks anyway etc..

Now, my problem with this one is that they themselves are admitting that the system for measurement of drinks is an absolute farce and that .05 is actually one massive lottery where people who are just guilty and people who are off chops are thrown into the same basket. First things first, who decided what a standard drink consisted of and why the fark don't we change it already? If nothing actually constitutes 1 standard drink anymore why can't we change the definition?

Does their own ad not prove that nobody actually understands the BAC system. It's one thing to say everyone needs to know their limitations but surely in the 21st century we can come up with something better. Don't ask me what, I'm no boffin, but you've got about 5 million scientists around the world. Get cracking. Go out drinking one night and invest in a few goes at the BAC tester in the pub. Try and guess the point at which you cross .05 - I guarantee you'll miss by a mile.

Again, the mystical line between .049 and .05 confuses me. I know you have to set a limit somewhere but are we really sure that a fat bloke who racks up .049 is any less of a danger to himself or others than a 50kg female who gets .05? If you rack up .10 and are out of your car dancing to the police car lights then yeah you're pretty shit, but is it not true that there are people who can have one drink and lose their mind without going anywhere near hitting the point where it becomes illegal and/or technically dangerous.

Err yes, so if you're going to waste my taxpayers money on these ads then at least do something sensible and realistic with them. This says it all really;

(P.S - No, I haven't been nicked for drink driving or speeding recently or indeed ever)

Ode to a Website

Since I took my first, tentative steps towards the internet in 1997 by connecting via a BBS and looking up wrestling results (this very page. I'm still confused over the logic of the Dusty Rhodes turn 11.5 years later) there are very few websites that I can claim have had any influence on my life. YouTube, Wikipedia, the aforementioned DDT Digest,, AFL Tables. That's about it really - everything else is just background noise and doe-eyed, scantily clad Bulgarian immigrants.

However I'd like to pay tribute to the latest member of the TSP Hall of Fame. But, first a little background.

Fantasy Football is nothing new. I remember owning a book in the early 90's explaining how you could set up a league with family and friends. Not surprisingly my year 6 classmates weren't as keen to pore over the stats as I was and the book ended up being thrown out somewhere. In fact before the internet came along footy tipping reigned as king and fantasy games were strictly for Americans or the English. In fact even when the internet came along nobody gave a rats for a few years, but somewhere three or four years ago Supercoach and Dream Team appeared on the Herald Sun and AFL websites respectively. I was roped in and at first paid scant regard to the way it worked - teams would be unchanged for weeks on end and I think Jared Rivers was my captain at one point when he was out for six weeks. Why would you have Rivers as captain anyway? Who knows.

Then along came Fan Footy and suddenly I was hooked. Being the sort of insular fan who couldn't care less about any player who didn't play for Melbourne I was suddenly introduced a whole world of random players that I'd never heard of. Who the buggery is Craig Bird? Who knows, but he's been in my team for two years now. The genius to the whole thing is the icons that go next to players with information about their performance - be it good, bad or otherwise. Suddenly the clunky Game Tracker isn't the best place to follow a game. In this era when a player can have 30 touches and still not be anywhere near the best players in a match, it's Fan Footy that gives you the information you need to know to follow a game even if you haven't got it on the radio or tv.

Consider the following;


From this alone I can tell that the top 6 are all "hot", Jack Grimes is on Brad Johnson, Cheney is rising in value, Bartram is tagging, Miller is playing badly and Warnock has a specific defensive job. Hover over any of the logos for specific stats. What else do you need to know? Sure, you need to totally reject the idea of having a life to get into this stuff but once you do it's addictive. Looking for the scores on your mobile in the middle of a tedious date? Staight to FF.

The guiltiest pleasure of the whole thing is the tombstone logo. () Sure, it means that somebody's copped a long term injury but it's like an event to see it. Prismall, Hille, most of the Melbourne side at one time or another. You know that when that logo comes up you won't be seeing somebody for a long time. When Russell Robertson blew his achilles to shreds last year and I saw that on the screen in a dingy Singapore internet cafe I let out a plaintive wail. It's one thing when the radio says somebody's done their knee, but it's not true until m0nty confirms it.

The genius of the tombstone is that in my circle of acquaintances it has passed into common usage. Somebody's broken their leg falling out of a tree, "it's a tombstone for...", somebody's fallen off the back of the train, "tombstone in Connex Supercoach". Somebody's died? "Tombstones all around". In fact I would like to think that if I snuffed it tomorrow that my death notice would look like this;

Adam 1.0

The other notable feature of the site is the running commentary alongside the stats, most of which is seemingly written by 13-year-olds or complete lunatics. The vast majority of it consists of people posting as if they're actually talking directly to the player, though it's hard to work out whether Justin Sherman would actually know what "BoMbErZ-93" meant if he rolled up to him in the street and yelled "WTF SHERMAN u absolute MANCHILD". Apparently it's a compliment. Every game can also be relied on to have some muppet post that they made the lowest scorer on the ground their captain that week (double points) as if nobody has ever thought of that gag before. Then there's outright abuse. This afternoon "footy_wiz" was moved to say "firrito u flowering [fuck is replaced with flower, hillarity ensues - 1.0] spud, the 2 first gamers did better than you". No consideration of the fact that Firrito is richer, more famous and more chance of getting laid than anyone who has ever logged onto that website myself included.

Of course this year has seen the final ascent of fantasy football to the tip of everyone's tongue. Suddenly the real footy dissectors are coming in of a Monday morning and talking points instead of tips. The old style footy tipping, where you'd study the form for ten years and still get beaten by the work experience kid who guesses his tips, has been dethroned. It's a good thing, even if it has been taken a bit far with Dream Team updates on the big screen at the MCG and during radio calls. Even if it has created the phenomenon of idiots in the crowd going bananas over their own team copping a goal just because it's come from one of their players.

It'll play itself out over the next couple of years and everyone will get sick of it again but it's a wild ride while it lasts - and as far as I'm concerned Fan Footy is the best thing about it. In fact, as they might say , ,

(P.S - If I win my work comp this year I'm going to run into the office, throw Gatorade over myself in celebration and dedicate the victory to m0nty)

(P.P.S - If you made it this far you might be as sick as me. Normal people tuned out in the second paragraph)

Monday, 11 May 2009

Good God

"There is a nip in the air" he says. "I love Australia for Australians". Why are you rapping then you old crunt? This was so bad it couldn't even chart in 1992 in a year when 2 Unlimited, Right Said Fred and Dannii Minogue were riding high in the Top 40. Pure horror.

Bank of Horror

Everyone mocks me for banking with Bank of Queensland, but the distinct lack of customers has an advantage in being able to eavesdrop on other customers. Here's a particuarly cringeworthy exchange I heard today between Horny Customer (HC) - a trady sort in a singlet - and Attractive Teller (AT) - an, err, attractive teller..

HC - How are you?
AT - Oh not good, I'm sick
HC - Oh yeah, I noticed you weren't here last week.
AT - I'm getting better now
HC - *laughing* It wasn't that AIDS was it?
HC - I had that once. Ha ha. Got rid of it, gave it to somebody else.
*long silence*
*Adam tries to remain upright whilst feeling the need to fall to the floor*
*still silence*
AT - So....... what can I help you with today?

Supremely inappropriate. Gentlemen, remember that line next time you're trying to woo a special lady.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

I Am Your Leader

Who would have guessed the opposition would whinge about the budget?

I created this in five minutes Hockey you bastard, show some respect.

Maybe in retrospect I did go a bit OTT on welfare..

Top of the Slops

Could this be the most hideous novelty single of all time?

Alvin And The Chipmunks With Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart

All the way to #53 on the UK charts in December 1992. Surely you'd look back on that purchase and wonder if you couldn't have done better with your money by throwing it into the North Sea attached to a brick.

If you dare...

Could always be worse I suppose. #53 is one thing, but imagine if you contributed to any one of Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers three - count them - number one singles. What the fark were you - hypothetically - thinking? As a 9 year old I bought a cassingle copy of The Skyhooks excremental Jukebox in Siberia and even I wouldn't have touched the Jive Bunny catalogue. The Bunny era lasted two short years but by christ it must have made somebody a fortune. The law of diminishing returns eventually caught up to them though. In order the singles charted at 1 ($), 1 ($$), 1 ($$$ how good is this!), 4 , 8, 13, 28 (wait, I think people are starting to get over this), 43, 43 (and that will just about do us). Even the album spent five months in the charts. My god.

This site is the ultimate novelty track goldmine. A thing of beauty.

Monday, 4 May 2009

Advertising Gold

Forget footy 1986-2009. This is where the game officially hit it's peak.

Meanwhile the real version of this jingle (shamelessly pinched from Milwaukee as it was) is still the finest station promo yet.

Having said that there was a Channel Seven one to the tune of Mahnamahna which deserves a second look.