Thursday, 29 January 2009


Last month it was the most watchable video clips. Now for the other end of the scale. This could very well be the clip which pushes you over the edge in this heatwave, and makes you lob yourself under a bus.

Vomitous. Somehow I doubt the billionares of Fleetwood Mac would be losing too much sleep over these two slappers hammering them, but aren't you just hanging out for a 21st century version where they're dragged out of the chip shop to tell us "I'd rather Jack... than Nickleback".

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Bureau of Slops

The Bureau of Meteorology are surely taking the piss.

Melbourne 41° Sunny.
Adelaide 44° Dry. Very hot

What's 41 if it's not "very hot" you clowns? They're making it sound like a jaunty day out in the sun, while the poor people in the City of Churches are suffering through the biggest inferno outside the fiery pits of hell.

I suppose the poor/rich bastards playing tennis on a 55 degree centre court at the moment are just 'a bit warm'.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Democracy. It doesn't work.

If things are going to get labelled as un-Australian at the drop of a hat then I want in. On this day, where we commemorate some English ponce not sinking his boat, I suggest the following be added to the list;

1. Killing foreigners and sending your finger through the mail (unless there's a war on, then kill away). Take our advice,


2. Believing an Australian female tennis player can win a Grand Slam.

3. Making or consuming Australian hip-hop. BECAUSE IT'S COMPLETE GASH.

And that's the reason I didn't bother to listen to the Triple J Hottest 100 today. Not only was it the biggest cert of all time that the top two would be Kings of Leon and MGMT, but at least a quarter of the field promised to be twats from Melton with backing tracks that sound as if they were recorded in somebody's basement.

I almost picked the trifecta, but was stooged by a second Kings of Leon song.

#1 - Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire
#2 - MGMT - Electric Feel
#3 - Kings of Leon - Use Somebody
#4 - Empire of the Sun - Walking On A Dream

Bring back the days when you could only vote for one song. Then you'd get a shitload of variety and random songs. For instance what about Tumbleweed and their giant chicken?

Incidentally, for those of you who aren't teenyboppers that jumped on the Kings of Leon bandwagon ten minutes ago - is it just me or is the current album about twelve million times worse than their debut? Youth and Young Manhood has pretty much been wiped off the face of the earth, but I can't see anything else they've done which has topped it yet.

Sunday, 25 January 2009

Great Moments in Trivia

Kew Hotel, November 2008

Q: Name the countries of Africa which begin with C

Our answer: Congo (Kinshasa), Congo (Brazzaville), Chad, Cameroon, Central African Republic and Cote D'Ivoire

Their answer: Cape Verde, Comoros (whoops, missed those two), Congo, Cameroon, Central African Republic and Cote D'Ivoire

Apparently, according to these super geniuses, there's only one Congo - which must come as a shock to the people of whichever one doesn't really exist - and Chad isn't actually in Africa despite being bordered by such notable African nations as Libya, Sudan, Cameroon and Nigeria. I think the guy who was reading the questions panicked when he realised he'd been stooged by the people who wrote them and blurted out something about Chad being "in the Mediterranean". Lovely stuff.

Lovely, but completely and utterly farcical.

Friday, 23 January 2009

Amateur Political Analysis Corner

The other day somebody was whinging about why the Presidential inauguration was such a big deal. I don't know it ever has been to us before - obviously the novelty factor has raised interest considerably - but it's been a massive deal for the Americans stretching back years to the good old days of JFK's "ask not what you can do" speech.

At first I agreed that it was all a bit over the top, that it was a sign of the longing of the Americans for a royal family of their own and all that other bollocks that you hear from people handing out lefty newspapers and trying to get you to sign their fucking petition in Bourke Street.

Then it came to me that the reason they make such a big deal of it is because their president elect, no matter who he (she? See you in 8 years at the earliest) is, has had to work their arse off for it. Even Bush, set to go down in history as the biggest clown ever or an underrated genius - and I know which one I'm betting on - must have spent so much time and energy shaking hands, kissing babies and generally sucking up to the populace just to get in that it's no wonder he had little left to give mentally by the time he got in.

Look at the road Obama took to get to Washington DC that day. He announced his candidacy in February 2007, didn't become the nominee for his party for another 18 months and president elect another four months later. In that time alone the Liberal Party of Australia had three different leaders.

On April 16th, 2008 Obama and Hillary Clinton faced off in the last of 26 debates. The cast had shrunk from eight candidates at the first debate a year earlier to two. Eventually, after a process like the pulling of teeth, Obama took a near unassailable lead but even then he couldn't get rid of Hillary who forced him to continue the often awkward "meet the people" charades across the country (look! He's eating a hamburger!) until it was absolutely impossible for her to overtake his delegate count. And even then her camp made some noises about legal challenges and 'taking it to the convention'. Imagine how many speeches both candidates gave in that time, imagine how many times they had to make sure that they didn't make the one major gaffe which would derail their whole campaign.

Compare and contrast to the Australian system. Nobody knew who the hell Kevin Rudd was, and he only ended up as leader after riding a wave of destruction which saw Crean, Latham and Beazley (twice) completely fuck it up, leaving nobody else with an credibility left by the time Costello had lost the grapefruits to challenge Howard. The man himself had committed suicide with the IR changes and the rest of the country had lost interest in him after more than a decade in power. Forget the drover's dog, Humphrey B Bear could have won that election for Labor. Even Beazley must have been wondering if he'd have been a chance - especially if he'd put on the bear suit.

And that's why our PM not only doesn't get a fancy welcome to the job, he doesn't deserve one either. A faceless bureaucrat who you'd probably never heard of six months ago, taking an oath to a Queen you never see from a Governor General who must even be wondering what their function is inspires no confidence whatsoever. The Liberals have already started the same process that their opponents did by dumping the completely shithouse Brendan Nelson for the moderately ordinary Malcolm Turnbull. If they've taken any notes from the Labor Party he'll probably be brought back in for another failed run at the job before they get back into power. Even if Turnbull makes it to the next election the real campaigning won't begin until 6 weeks before polling day. Remember when people were going spare about Howard running a 'phony' election campaign where he was delivering policies and patting kiddies on the head without ever having called an election? Well good on him, there should be more of it.

Consider the fact that Obama and McCain spent almost two years non-stop on the campaign trail before being sworn in, and then look at the six weeks of glory that Rudd, Howard and the other assorted slops turned out last year. There's a lot to be critical of in the US system, but you can't fault the commitment of the people involved at the sharp end. Of course raising money and sucking up to your own party helps, but imagine having put that much mental and physical effort into something only to have your fate decided by a bunch of yokels in Iowa or New Hampshire. Had Obama botched the Iowa race the chances are right now we'd be talking about the first female president and most people would never have heard of him.

Another place where they've got it right is the way they choose a cabinet. Pick anyone you like, pick somebody from somewhere who you think will do a good job. Ok, they might not get it right all the time but do you really have any faith in the way we do it? I refuse to believe that the practice of shoehorning members of the governing party into portfolios that they might be good at - often for political reasons more than anything - and hoping for the best is really doing us any good.

Time will tell whether the ridiculous amount of faith in Obama is justified or not, but the fact remains that no matter who ends up running against him in four years time will have put in the hard yards to get there. In the off chance that it's Palin she will also have had to conquer a serious mental deficiency to get there - clap, clap for the handicap etc - so give some credit, but for christ sake if you're American don't even think of voting for her.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009



I put that on my car when there was still three candidates left in the Democratic race and it looked as if Hillary Clinton would somehow find a way to scam her way to victory.

At the time everyone was all "oh what do you care". Now everyone's whopping off over it. Welcome to the first time I ever joined a bandwagon early and didn't cause it to go tits up.

Now sir, DON'T FUCK IT UP.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Operating Thetan Level 1944

Now, I don't want to second guess the works of Tom Cruise. Afterall there's no telling what sort of freaky deaky alien superheroes he's got on his side. I might be the only person alive who thinks his last decent film was Days of Thunder, or indeed that it was even a decent film (come on, his name is Dick Trickle and Nicole Kidman is a 23-year-old brain surgeon!) but I can't quite understand the publicity for this new film Valkyrie.

It's being described as an "edge of the seat thriller" about somebody who tried to top Hitler before the end of the war. Now, I can suspend my disbelief significantly but is it REALLY that edge of the seat? Unless they're going to rewrite history and tell us that Hitler really did snuff it then and that it was some other twat with a pissy mo who shot himself in that bunker then I think we all know where it's going. I certainly wouldn't be on the edge of my seat waiting to see if Herman The German got away with his plot.

It's one thing to know the end of a film, but it's another to have everything given away right off the bat. Overrated.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Konstruction Komedy

From the fire escape of the new "Well" shopping centre in Camberwell..


Finally the line has been drawn between construction workers and internet freaks.

False Advertising 101

Sports marketing people can be so cynical can't they? I know nobody's interested in gymnastics, but to promise that sort of thing? It's a bit over the top...


Tune in.. somehow.. and get your lawsuits ready.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

Boring story enlivened by fun photo

Who hasn't been arrested for a sex romp in this day and age? The only interest is in the photo included...

RANDY reveller Emma Modrate repeatedly performed sex acts on her boyfriend in the street in front of dozens of appalled passers-by.

The 26-year-old landed herself in court for the despicable act which was captured on CCTV.

Modrate performed the act three times on her boyfriend Liam Dougherty outside Yates’ pub in Durham city centre in front of outraged onlookers.

At one stage a tramp stood behind the couple and chatted to Dougherty while the act was being carried out, Durham Crown Court heard.

Hmm... Despicable act? Was there a poodle involved?

Sunday, 11 January 2009

TSP's All-Time 100 Greatest Music Videos

Not the best. Nobody's claiming that. In fact there's some epic slop contained within, but it's epic slop that requires multiple viewings just to confirm that you really are watching it and not just living in some comedy goldmine dream.

There's about 40 more that were on my shortlist but I couldn't find a place for. Your suggestions on any undiscovered gold welcome in the comments.

100 - Technotronic - Megamix
Chock full of Ya Kid K, Felly and people in bike shorts. Reminds me of being nine years old all over again. In these tough economic times only Technotronic, or perhaps the C&C Music Factory, can save us.

99 - No Doubt - It's My Life
Witness Gwen Stefani at her all time second hottest (more on the winner later) murdering her bandmates, attacking a judge and being dragged to the gas chamber. All good clean family fun there.

98 - Phoenix - Too Young
French pop aboard a fishing trawler. Always have a second job in case you don't make it in the music industry.

97 - PM Dawn - Gotta Be Movin' On Up
The video that made one of the worst films of all time look like it was worth watching. I remember this having an awesome run on Video Hits for a month despite the single only scraping the top 40.

96 - Johnny Cash - Chicken In Black
The gigantic career trough that Cash hit in the 80's might have been painful for Johnny, his fans and his accountant but at least it produced this video. Kountry fried komedy!

95 - Nik Kershaw - Wouldn't It Be Good
Kersh, synths and a chromakey suit. What else do you need? Other than having him on a flat-bed truck touring drought ridden Australia to lift the spirits of farmers I can't think of anything.

94 - The Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up
A POV trip through the night of an off-chops clubber who turns out to be... Oh as if you haven't seen this before.

93 - Electric Six - Gay Bar
The video that suggested Abraham Lincoln was running an all-male 'club' in the White House, and that gerbils were somehow involved. Despite this all making it past the censors they obscure the term "nuclear war" instead in a bizarre attempt to be wacky. This isn't the last we'll see in this countdown from this particular Electric Six album.

92 - Weezer - Buddy Holly
Don't hate it just because it was, for some reason, included as part of Windows 95. Love it because it's a centimetre perfect piss-take of Happy Days, made to look as if it was taking place on the show but featuring the opening line "What's with these homies dissing my girl". Comes Ritchie Cunningham approved.

91 - Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf
Simon LeBon on the pissfart in Sri Lanka. Part of an insane run of expensive videos recorded before teenage girls grew up and everyone else lost interest.

90 - Notorious BIG - Mo Money, Mo Problems
A video clip and golf tournament rolled into one. Released posthumously after Biggie was shot dead (and how come it's always Tupac that supposedly lived?) this pre-dated Tiger Woods' first major win by a year but provided us with the one and only because of video evidence of Puff Daddy sinking a birdie putt.

89 - Eddy Huntington - USSR
Italo Eddie, English superstud is unable to film his video due to constant female interference. Must have been a terrible lifestyle. Even while doing earnest, hands on headphones singing in the studio he can't concentrate for groupies jumping in front of the window. On this video alone he should have been a superstar.

88 - Sylvia Night - Congratulations
Iceland's entrant in the Eurovision song contest mocks the likes of Britney and Paris and shows just how a novelty video should be done.

87 - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five - The Message
Badly dressed urban poetry which finishes like any good rap video should, with the cops showing up and arresting everyone.

86 - Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights
The more popular Bush prances around a field doing ethereal things and wailing about a book that nobody has read since 1902.

85 - The Gap Band - You Dropped A Bomb On Me
Moderately camp. No, wait.. extremely camp.

84 - Madonna - Material Girl
Madge does her best Marilyn and a shonky storyline featuring a creepy beardo ensues.

83 - Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew - Super Bowl Shuffle
There's nothing like untrained singers with a microphone. Especially if they're 300lb linebackers who can barely string a sentence together as it is. The star turn is by quarterback Jim McMahon. Apparently they filmed this the week before the Superbowl, which would have made it even better had they lost the game. Sadly they won and we're spared the most expensive blooper reel in history but there's still more than enough here to keep you amused through multiple viewings. Interesting, for a team who were a week away from the game of their lives none of them look particuarly sober. At least they could play football better than they could dance.

82 - Princess Superstar - Bad Babysitter
Morally questionable antics of an allegedly 15-year-old babysitter who looks about 40 and spends four minutes tormenting a poor allegedly Jewish ginger child and blowing random guys in the shower.

81 - The Fall - Kicker Conspiracy
Mark E Smith, the greatest lunatic of the 20th century, ranting on the state of British football in 1983 at Turf Moor, home of Burnley. Bonus points for terrible miming in the visitors dugout while puffing on a ciggy. Angry, angry young man.

80 - Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It
The video that celebrated domestic abuse. Where, in a watershed moment in American history, a gigantic transvestite with shoulderpads that Maggie Taberer wouldn't have been seen dead in is declared the winner of a moral argument. Role of strict disciplinarian father provided by one of the noted tightarses from National Lampoon's Animal House in a fine piece of casting.

I always wondered just what sort of a flogging that guy would have dished out to the kind once the clip was over. It's fine to disrespect your mentally unstable father when Twisted Sister are there to protect you, but once they're gone who's going to save you from Bing Crosby-esque beatings with lumps of coal in a sock? And kids, that's why you should never side with a cross-dresser over your own father.

79 - Adam And The Ants - Ant Music
An otherwise unremarkable clip saved by the image of somebody pulling the biggest electrical plug EVER out of the wall when he sings about unplugging the jukebox.

78 - PIL - Rise
The former Johnny Rotten, now trading as Lydon, does angry and bug-eyed as elderly homeless people beat rugs and play chess. Strange imagery for a song about South African police interrogation methods in the 1980's, but effective nonetheless.

77 - The Teenagers - Homecoming
The filthiest and most morally bankrupt song of all time is offset with a bunch of teenagers (see what they did there?) pillow fighting and eating cupcakes. Sweet and sleaze played off perfectly in a video that probably cost $500 to make.

76 - Dr. Dre - Fuck Wit Dre Day
The soon to be late Eazy-E ruthlessly parodied by his former bandmate and a ridiculously young Snoop Dogg. Alas, very little was resolved before the E caught the HIV (now I'm a rapper) a couple of years later and passed away.

75 - Talking Heads - Once In A Lifetime
David Byrne in "off his nut" shock horror. As covered by David Boon on the Late Show.

74 - Pulp - Common People
Jarvis in a shopping trolley. Enough said.

73 - The Libertines - Up The Bracket
The permanently off-chops Pete Doherty and bandmates wandering down an alleyway then dressing up the Beatles and encouraging one of the women present to do the wildest nonsensical robotic dancing ever. Actually all dancing is nonsensical if you think about it. Warning: somebody in this clip may very well have been under the influence.

72 - Eminem - My Name Is
The track and video that saved white rap eight years after the horror of Vanilla Ice.

71 - Robbie Williams - Supreme
Robbie joins the 1970's Formula One circuit. Perfectly made to look retro. It's one thing to rip your skin off and throw your liver at a rollerskater like the in the Rock DJ video, but it's another to make us believe that you could possibly have lined up on the grid next to Jackie Stewart despite having spent the previous decade doing drugs.

70 - Phatts and Small - Turn Around
Shiny jacketed DJ'ing in a record store. Memorable.

69 - Air - Kelly Watch The Stars
Probably the only video ever to feature a ladies table tennis match. Much less one where the scores go up and down in a non-sensical fashion.

68 - Lionel Ritchie - Hello
Ludicrously overblown, and therefore hillarious, clip for the ultimate power ballad wherein Lionel takes an unhealthy interest in a blind teenage girl only for her to somehow have visions of him and sculpt the most unconvincing likeness of all time.

67 - Night Ranger - Sister Christian
Fantastically over the top power balladry. Strangely enough while the song is all about the girl 'waiting', the video seems to indicate that she's trying to bonk the entire band.

66 - Rammstein - Ich Wil
Germans in bank heist fiasco. Doesn't end in glory.

65 - Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
Perhaps it's just urban myth that the crowd weren't supposed to go as apeshit as they did, but it certainly helped the atmosphere. Made you want to jump around like a goose in 1991.

64 - Pulp - This Is Hardcore
1950's movie pastiche for cruelly underrated career highlight.

63 - ABC - The Look of Love
One of the most knowingly silly videos ever. From the band dressed like 1930's dandies, to flying nuns, ballerinas and a man eating spaghetti that turns out to be an electrical plug it's got all sorts of shenanigans. At least I hope it's not meant to be serious... Highlight is undoubtedly when Martin Fry is attacked by the puppet alligator and starts fighting with it.

62 - Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
Many would have Thriller, but all that zombie bullshit pales into comparison when you put it up against the sidewalk which lights up when he walks down it. If Robert Doyle wants to make Melbourne friendly again the first thing he should do is replace the length of Swanston Street with a light-up musical sidewalk that plays this track.

61 - Leonard Cohen - Closing Time
Where the grumpiest man in the world surrounds himself with flying chairs and attractive young ladies and finally cracks a smile for the first time in 40 years.

60 - Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage
Knowingly odd, featuring glowing elderly 'bits'.

59 - Chas and Dave - Snooker Loopy
Utter stupidity about the hidden traits and talents of otherwise dull snooker players. Eminently watchable just for the cringe and/or drunken music hall singalong factor. Could be covered and adapted to pretty much any sport ("Footy loops nuts are we?" Cue the big Fev and Buddy Franklin pissing about) but alas remains on the novelty track scrapheap.

58 - Elastica - Car Song
To say I had the hots for Justine and Donna in this video when I was 14 would be a significant understatement.

57 - The Smiths - Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before
With Johnny Marr already having pulled the pin and The Smiths breaking up around him, Morrissey leads a cast of Mozalikes on a quick bike tour of Manchester landmarks. Complete lack of helmets or safety gear an oversight rather than a mid 80's emo attemped suicide and cry for help. The last great hurrah of The Smiths, and part of an amazing hot-streak that he rode through the start of his solo career until the frankly average Kill Uncle album.

56 - Howard Jones - I'd Like To Get To Know You Well
Once seen very few forget the sight of Howard dressed in what basically amounted to a pirate costume, wandering around London shaking hands with bemused tourists. Everyone loves this video, even if they're not always sure why.

55 - Murray Head - One Night In Bangkok
Hands up if you've actually seen Chess: The Musical.. I don't think it even really exists, just some joke cooked up by the guys from Abba to get this track into the charts. The track itself is fine, but Murray's distainful comments about the city are so much more interesting when you can see him do his "spiteful" facial expression at the same time. That's what you get when you have an actor singing your song - the voice might be all over the shop but the mood is spot on.

Pay special attention to the producers startling refusal to hire any actual Asians to play the citizens of Bangkok. The black guy isn't fooling anyone, and the other bloke seems to be a white man with some dirt on his face and off-lighting.

Track, and video, surprisingly underutilised during recent Thai political crisis. Where was the "One Week in Bangkok Airport" parody by a stranded traveller? It's not like there's anything else to do in Bangkok to pass your time is there?

54 - Diamond Rio - It's All In Your Head
The future president of the USA causes a child to end up in a mental institution. For those are into that sort of thing the lead singer sports the best 80's mullet outside B. Ray Cyrus territory.

53 - Milli Vanilli - Baby Don't Forget My Number
Pay close attention to the start of this video. Is it just me or do they both very consciously wipe their noses as if to indicate that they have just hoovered up a truckload of gear? Or did they roll the notes up and have somebody else snort it all Boom boom. Also notable for the ridiculous storyline about a phone number flying out the window, a mystifying cutaway of Prince Charles and Lady Di and the sheer amount of bikeshorts and lycra on offer.

52 - Falco and Brigitte Nielsen - Body Next To Body
In 1987 Austria's most famous (only?) pop star teamed up with Denmark/the world's then hottest woman. Ridiculously large sunglasses, a tuxedo, bleach blonde hair, tunnels full of groping freaks and a wrestling ring seemingly constructed from chains.

In later years she would turn into a sad old bag lady, reduced to cavorting with Flavor Flav on reality television programs. Let us remember her for this and for, oh my god, Rocky IV not for the cavortions with a clock wearing midget on VH1.

51 - Suede - Animal Nitrate
Tower block sexual shenanigans featuring cross dressers and Brett Anderson when he was worth jumping the fence for.

50 - Ol' Dirty Bastard - Got Your Money
The late ODB's predictably insane mixture of music video and blacksplotiation movies with help from a pre-fame Kelis. Had his own troubles with "the man" and did an impromptu speech at the Grammy awards - well, wouldn't you be pissed if you'd just lost to Shawn Colvin - before, err, dying. Colvin's career is going just as well.

49 - The Strokes - Someday
A day in the life of the band who, at the time, were the future of rock. Foul looking food, alcohol, a random meeting with Slash, pinball and watching South Korea knock Italy out of the 2002 World Cup are covered. Then it's off to the set of Family Feud - hosted by Al freaking Borland from Home Improvement - for a game show smackdown with the infinately less successful Guided By Voices.

48 - Cake - Short Skirt, Long Jacket
Even if, like me, you refuse to believe that the 'unsolicited' testimonials for the song from randoms in the street are real it's still a great angle.

47 - The Housemartins - Happy Hour
The world's most twee band produce the world's most twee video. Witness a young Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook poncing down the street and into his local for some clay-mation, darts and a few pints of.. err orange juice. Well, they were christians after all. Post split one of them would very christianly attack his business partner with an axe and end up in jail. At the time, though, they were the band least likely to pick up groupies.

46 - Mi-Sex - Computer Games
Still popular for the vision of Atari 2600 - or worse - games running wild in the background as the band present the vision of a future where everyone spent their lives playing Wizard of Wor.

The most sinister personal ad I ever saw was a lady who was desperate to meet somebody who looked like the lead singer of Mi-Sex. This was shortly after he died in a car crash. You don't think it was his wife do you?

45 - Nada Surf - Popular
The teacher yelled at his staff, a million teenage nerd girls fell in love and nobody ever heard of the band again. Note none too subtle homoerotic overtones in the shower scene.

44 - TISM - Thunderbirds Are Coming Out
An endless succession of Melbourne bands you never heard of, and a school orchestra, are dragged out to the sing the track before TISM show up with a second left. Beautiful.

43 - Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For
An 8 minute epic of doctor surgeries, bizarre Japanese girls and Alice in Wonderland shenanigans.

42 - Warrick Capper - I Only Take What's Mine
Right up there in the worst song/worst video of all time charts. I could watch this on a loop for 24 hours and never get bored.

41 - Divinyls - I Touch Myself
Where Chrissie Amphlett, for so long seen piss farting around dressed as a schoolgirl like the female equivalent of him from AC/DC, officially became the first ever MILF.

40 - Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me
Butch female builders attempt to destroy house containing one armed drummer and lead singer with an Armadillo stuffed down his strides.

39 - B52's - Rock Lobster
Pure and simple madness on an epic scale. I don't think it's unfair to suggest that every single person in this clip is well and truly off their nut.

38 - The Cardigans - My Favourite Game
Intense highway driving in the desert by a blonde Swedish woman. When they play this on TV you never see the fact that she's actually put a brick on the accelerator, or that she's veering from lane to lane and causing cars to fly off the road left, right and centre. In fact once you remove the automobile carnage I'm not sure how they came up with another version of the clip.

Other video masterstrokes include the fake tattoo wearing off on the seat, and the bandages on her arm. What was wrong with her in the first place? We'll never know.

Ends memorably with one of the few attempted suicides in the history of music video, just as the radio announces the Cardigans latest single. Naturally it doesn't pan out and they almost ruin the whole thing with a corny joke.

37 - The Smiths - This Charming Man
The notoriously video shy Moz swings flowers around in a small white room and millions fall in love.

36 - Beastie Boys - Body Movin'
EPIC pissfarting around. Would be a great video even if you muted the song. Features the best sword fight in music history.

35 - Louis XIV - Paper Doll
Suicide Girls. Topless. Enough said. NSFW unless you work at a titty bar.

34 - The Pretenders - Brass In Pocket
Chrissie Hynde as a waitress attempts to pick her band up with varying results. Notable chiefly for the great moment when it says "special" and the band all hold up menus with SPECIAL written on them.

33 - Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Two Tribes
The leaders of the world's two great superpowers duke it out in a mud wrestling pit while Holly Johnson, the man who just a few months before was enjoying a full scale orgy in the Relax video, does commentary like an early version of the reporter from the Iron Chef. In the end everyone dies.

32 - The Rentals - Friends Of P
Fake 80's Russian shenanigans. Probably the best budget/entertainment ratio in history.

31 - Hall And Oates - Private Eyes
Fake detective shenanigans, and that wily minx Oates trying to get you to look into his eyes a'la Barney from How I Met Your Mother.

30 - KLF and Tammy Wynette - Justified and Ancient
Tammy Wynette, country music legend, is somehow roped into playing the Queen of Mu-mu land in a video and singing about the KLF driving an ice-cream van. Stay around for the rap at the end (not performed by Tammy sadly) which is effectively all about ice cream. Make mine a 99 indeed. Somehow managed to reinvigorate Tammy's otherwise finished career.

29 - The Skatt Brothers - Life At The Outpost
Late 70's Canadian attempt at doing butch disco, but actually ending up looking like leather night at an all-male sauna. Attempts to sex it up by having a skanky barmaid riding a mechanical bull aren't convincing anyone. Shirts are clearly in short supply at the outpost. Look closely towards the end for the shot of the guy who looks terrified, as if they've drugged and abducted him to be in the video.

28 - The Jacksons - Can You Feel It
Possibly the last time they were all seen in a room together without lawyers, and before Michael's face started to fall off, this is off the charts. Even with the pissy spoken word intro to the clip this is like being present for the second coming of Jesus. Waterfalls, stars, fire, water, lasers and gold jumpsuits. No wonder Star City ripped off the clip lock, stock and barrel for their ads a few years back.

27 - Madonna - Justify My Love
The highpoint of Madge's sleaze period. The only person she doesn't cop off with in this video is the viewer, and I've always found that a massive disappointment. She then proceeded to get cold feet about the whole "norgs akimbo" thing and started pumping out babies instead.

26 - Radiohead - Paranoid Android
The song? Hate it with a passion. The video? Pure genius. The characters are from a show called (I think.. ) Robin and Friends which used to be watched by nobody but me SBS of a Saturday night. Six minutes of shenanigans.

25 - Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You
One off French video insanity to accompany the greatest dance track of all time. Child constucts glider while watching ever changing fake pop charts on TV and showing an unnatural interest in Samanthra's "Sex On The Beach" but less so in the Boogie Brotherz smash #1 "Inferno". Eventually Stardust go to number one - and rightly fucking so - causing conditions that allow the kid to lob the glider into the clouds where it's caught by... Stardust. Doing exactly the same as their #1 video.

24 - Stevie Nicks - I Can't Wait
So ridiculously over the top and 80's that it's impossible not to love. And even though she's dressed like a baglady throughout Stevie is kind of cute in it. Somewhere in the outer suburbs there is surely an over 28's club where the women still dress like this, and I would have to say I support it.

23 - Albert One - Turbo Diesel
Italo disco 'smash' (i.e - nobody has ever heard of it) featuring a fat man in a call that falls apart gradually throughout the clip. A beautiful woman sits around next to a terrible looking one, both bored out of their brains while fat porky tries to work out what's wrong with his Italian flag adorned vehicle. What's wrong with is that there's a very obviously attached rope that's pulling bits of it off. Barmy.

22 - No Doubt - Simple Kind Of Life
Depressive Stefani has a nervous breakdown about not being married and having kids. Breaks up with her entire band and destroys a room full of wedding cakes during the course of the song. Sports a pink ultra-perm and wedding dress combo which almost made me fall off my seat the first time I saw the clip - which wasn't often given that this got to about number 437 on the ARIA charts. Eventually she gets her wish for a kid by finding some black child in the street and just nicking it in a legally dubious fashion.

21 - Pat Benetar - Love Is A Battlefield
I'll never get over the fact that my scholarly analysis of this video, which proved beyond any doubt that Pat had to leave home because she had seduced her younger brother, was lost in the great TSP Towers archive destruction of '08. Contains so many great moments that it's hard to list them. Having said that, the dance off with the pimp is the undoubted highlight of the clip.

20 - Sid Vicious - My Way
In which the tone deaf Pistol does a proto-karaoke tuneless run through the Sinatra standard with amusingly altered lyrics before flipping out and shooting the audience.

19 - Radiohead - Just
The most overrated band of all time somehow deliver one of the great clips, for one of their handful of listenable songs. Man lies on the sidewalk and refuses to move. Eventually explains why to a crowd of onlookers who decided that he's got the right idea and join him. Unfortunately Thom Yorke et al are watching this from an upstairs window, and instead of them lying down as well we're subjected to Kid A and OK Computer instead.

18 - Van Halen - Hot For Teacher
A video with it all. Tormented nerd children called Waldo, David Lee Roth as the best damn bus driver ever and a school where, for some unknown reason, the kids are treated to daily bikini shows by people with names like "Miss Phys Ed". As an episode of Pop Up Video once pointed out there were adults present to make sure that none of the kids was exploited, but nobody was there to make sure the girls involved weren't. At 2.20 the dance routine of the millenium begins.

17 - Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
So many iconic moments, so many unconvincing attempts to make the man his mother calls Robert Van Winkle (*snort*) look 'street'. The dance, the clothes, the Asian bird seductively tonguing an ice cream. The kids now just wouldn't understand. Hillariously Ice Van Winkle denied that he'd lifted the opening from Under Pressure and instead claimed that he'd independantly come up with something that sounded identical.

16 - TISM - Greg! The Stop Sign!
Surely the first and last video to be filmed predominantly at Moorabbin Oval. Definately the last clip which will ever feature a Wakelin brother, Josh Kitchen (who!?) and various other players riding exercise bikes and hitting punching bags. Then there's a dog eating.. Well I wouldn't want to ruin it for you. Watch for the choreographed handball drill.

15 - Public Enemy - 911 Is A Joke
Flavor Flav let loose with riotous consequences. Highlights include the New Flavor Dance, Original Recipe Flavor and a purple raincoat/jumpsuit. Witness Flav scaring the shit out of two kids at about 2.49 before rising from the dead. One of the few great comedy moments from a band that took itself far too seriously.

14 - Nirvana - Heartshaped Box
Clearly the most sinister thing ever committed to tape by major recording artists. It's no surprises he topped himself a few months later.

13 - Jane's Addiction - Been Caught Stealing
The song which encourage you to nick things, featuring a video chock full of fat men cross-dressing and shoving things up their skirt. Not to mention Perry Farrell with a stocking over his head.

12 - Beastie Boys - Sabotage
The greatest TV cop show that never was.

11 - Pulp - Bad Cover Version
Not only are a cast of celebrity lookalikes dragged to appear in the video, but they actually sing it in character as well. The last, commercially unsound hoorah, of a band who spent three times as much time being unpopular than they did selling records.

10 - Beck - Sexx Laws

Easily the funniest thing Jack Black has ever done, even if every version of the clip on the net cuts his classic speech at the end of the clip in half. Humping washing machines, shagging cans of Spam (or SMEAT if you prefer) and a zebra on banjo. What else do you want? I want the full speech at the end where he yells "I PICKED COTTON!" that's what I want. "Empty wallets, empty parking lots. That's not my style" etc..

9 - Fleetwood Mac - Tusk

Sheer insanity in a football stadium. In a piece of wild post modernism it's shot as a making of video of... itself. The first 2.35 show how they got to.. the last twenty seconds. Great concept, cocaine is a hell of a drug. Features various members of the band completely off their chops, dancing, drinking and presumably sniffing a lot. The look on Stevie Nicks' face at 1.06 when she turns around and realises there's a camera pointing at her is priceless.

The longer version of the clip even has credits. More insanity!

8 - The Village People - Sex Over The Phone

Officially the most unintentionally hillarious thing ever recorded. In a desperate, last ditch, post-HIV attempt at relevance the Peeps release a track encouraging you to keep your shagging safe and only do it on a landline. To illustrate this they cartwheel through four minutes of homo-erotic shenanigans, awful acting and dancing that will make you want to cut your legs off with a chainsaw.

The track, and video, are surely crying out to be covered as part of a mobile phone ad.

7 - Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues

Not a deliberate music video as such, but the clip that made it all possible.

6 - Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

A young man is tortured by sadistic scientists in a lab where everything including the pencils are helpfully labelled. Every time he picks a girl as his favourite object he's given the big electric shock. Eventually he learns not to pick the girl, then they start only giving him girls as options. Eventually turns into an all-star electro fest where he starts shooting bolts of lightning out of his hands in the general direction of the ladies bits.

Like a smarter version of those Eric Prydz and Benny Benassi videos from the same era which offered us little more than jiggling norgs.

5 - Judas Priest - Breaking The Law

So much crime, and so many questions to be answered from just 2.35 of actual clip. How do you rob a bank with an electric guitar? Why bring the drum kit with you as well if you're trying to get away? What sort of self-respecting bank has bars that can be ripped open like spaghetti? Why did they have to steal their own gold records? And how great a moment is it when the security decides that he can't be stuffed catching the crooks and plays the riff on a cardboard guitar instead. 1980's finest.

4 - Electric Six - Dance Commander

Simultaneous house destruction and clips of a comedy general cracking onto chicks. The most manic lead performance in video history.

3 - TISM - Whatareya?

TISM guest start on Aerobics Oz Style, but quickly tired of the fitness antics, drag out a catch, rip open a tinnie and start watching the footy instead. Chaos ensues when the fitness instructor spills somebody's beer in the last few seconds and gets the shit kicked through him.. while the rest of the aerobics troupe continue their routine. Spectacular anarchy.

2 - Yo La Tengo - Sugarcube

The ultimate pisstake of the music industry. Watch the world's most non-commercial band attempt to learn to be rock stars. Madness and comedy ensues, but still nobody buys the albums.

1 - Cibo Matto - Know Your Chicken

Undoubtedly the greatest achievement in music video history. A completely incomprehensible story about chickens, with lyrics allegedly sung in english, is enlivened by the helpfully labelled story of a man, woman and chicken. Man brings chicken home and it takes over his house, before ending up as dinner. Features an advertisement halfway through for Ezekial Kinkade's International House of Chicken - a business name which I fully intend to steal one day. After destroying some comedy power lines the chicken eventually goes to heaven and everyone's happy. Breathtaking.

UPDATE - I knew I'd forget something. How could I leave out the ASBO wet dream that is Shampoo's Bouffant Headbutt..

UPDATE 2.0 - I shall keep adding here as the classics mount up;

Alcazar - Crying at the Discotheque

Men Without Hats - Safety Dance

No More Kings - Sweep The Leg Johnny

Friday, 9 January 2009

Censor Baiting 101

Naming a greyhound is a difficult process. You have to submit a list of names in order of preference and you'll get the one they choose. Chickem Assassin? Well, that was our first choice but after 2 places in 11 starts you may as well call it PET FOOD.

Anyway, the racing authorities accidentally let this one through. Race 1, number 1 at Nowra today...


Unfortunately it was unplaced. Beaten a good 5 lengths by Dirty Sanchez, Cleveland Steamer and Kennebunkport Surprise.

Also good to see that John Deeks was too busy lobbying for the return of the New Price Is Right or Press Your Luck to bother showing up on the day.

Thursday, 8 January 2009

This Sporting Life

TSP's primer to five sports, and sporting events that you might want to fake an interest in - and how to get away with it.

1. Tennis

When: A sport that runs wild during the Australian Open in January and occasionally rears it's ugly head around the Grand Slams and if Australia is doing well in the Davis Cup. If we're doing well in the Fed Cup well... well let's be honest that's never going to happen.

The first you'll notice is that suddenly there's wall to wall tennis on the television. Suddenly Fox Sports and Channel 9, the only networks to take any sort of interest in the sport through the rest of the year are given the arse and the ABC and Channel Seven are roped in. Out goes the world's greatest commentator Fiery Fred Stolle and in comes Karen Tighe for her 20th straight year of covering the Hopman Cup.

After what seems like a lifetime, and often is, we get to the Australian Open and suddenly the entire city loves tennis. Faces are painted, novelty giant tennis balls ($25 to you) are waved around and suddenly the world revolves around what Radek Stepanek is doing on Court 72 (which is somewhere near the carpark I think). For the first three days everyone hangs on the results of the Australian players, and after 90% of them have been knocked out the focus goes onto one hapless bastard who is expected to what nobody has done - so they tell us every twelve seconds - since Mark Edmonson in like 1874 when they played tennis on lava. Inevitably they never do, though Hewitt enjoys teasing the nation before bombing out every year. Remember the year he was about to serve in the semi-final and the Australian Day fireworks went off causing him to have a tantrum? Now that's entertainment.

Backed by non-stop advertising during the television coverage, the courts of Australia are jam packed for the next two weeks with people who swing racquets like they're baseball bats and wonder when they stopped making them out of wood. People all over the country vow to learn how to play, spend $200 on a stick/bat/paddle and then throw it in the cupboard when they lose interest after attempting to jump the net in victory a'la 1972 and breaking their collarbone.

So after two weeks of rapidly diminishing interest in weather that seems to be either 45 degrees or pissing down with rain it comes to an end on a Sunday night and everyone goes back to sports they actually enjoy, rather than ones that give them an excuse to take a day off work.

Non-ball related interest has risen in the last two years with a series of upskirtings and an ethnic riot. Last year we were also treated to the worst capscium spraying of all time. Watch closely, if the woman who sprayed the fans ran away any quicker she would have been nicked by a speed camera. Cue hundreds of talkback callers having a cry about those evil foreigners stealing their gentile sport away from them.

Fun fact: When I was 15 and went to the open some kid asked me for my autograph thinking I was a player. I hope he's looking after that, because it'll be worth a million. Either that or like everyone else who clamours for the signatures of the stars after matches it was thrown away twenty minutes later.

What they say: "I'd love it if our little Lleyton finally won one here, or if the Aussie girls would do well. The scud is looking dangerous in his comeback too"

What to say: "Of course the South Americans will never do well here. Their domain is on the clay of Roland Garros. How many Australian Opens did Andres Gomez win anyway?

What not to say: "Why yes officer, that is a camera attached to the end of my shoe"

2. Sailing

When: From Boxing Day until the first boat crosses the line at Constitution Dock in Hobart. I've been to that dock and it smelt like shite.

I'm not quite sure if this does qualify as a bandwagon sport because despite the hundreds of hours of television and radio coverage and newspaper column inches spent covering it I'm not sure anybody really gives a toss. You could say the same about the Sheffield Shield, but at least that is building towards something bigger. About the only time the community really sat up and took notice was when they all sailed into Hurricane Bertha and there was massive carnage - and that was more of a humanitarian angle than a sporting one.

Much better value is the Melbourne to Hobart race. Not just because it's shorter and doesn't start in Sydney, but because on the first day it has a competition called the Cock Of The Bay. Hah, they said cock!

What they say: "Set the spinnaker to starboard"

What to say: "You know, if they get favourable winds across Bass Straight the crew on Skandia could be looking at a new race record"

What not to say: "I really hope some of these boats sink like that shit one in the America's Cup a few years ago"

3. Australian Rules

When: Sure you can't avoid it for most of the year, but the bandwagon really fills throughout September.

If there's one thing you can be sure about when it comes to Australia it's that we like a winner. Why do you think anyone tolerates swimming? In fact that would have been on this list were it a real sport. The other vital part of the national psyche is the terror of being left out of something everyone else is into, and that's why every September thousands of people with only the most fleeting allegiance to an AFL club suddenly discover their love of the game.

Most Melbournians, if really pressed will find a footy team that they have some affiliation with. The difference is between the ones who go "oh my alleged team is in the finals, whatever" and the "yes, I'm a lifelong Hawthorn fan.. up the Hawks, oh Brodie Franklin you're my hero" set. These are the odious types who you can't shut up after a grand final win even though they've never been to a game in their life. "I'm a huge fan!" they cry, and then admit that they prefer watching games on television because it has commentary. Take a radio with you to the game? There's no place for logic here.

The pinnacle of this fiasco is the Grand Final, where half of the seats in the ground are deliberately set aside for fans of other clubs, competition winners, corporate sponsors and other varied idiots. Only the AFL could manufacture a scenario where the games played to qualify for the Grand Final are better attended and more passionate. Compare a preliminary final to a GF and the atmosphere may as well be like going from a drug fuelled rave in a airport hangar to your grandmother's funeral. Still, these space wasters who deprive real fans of their tickets go along and pretend they're providing some great benefit to society. Hopefully the football revolution comes on a grand final day so we can line these people up and have them shot.

What they say: "Richmond's decision to draft Tambling instead of Franklin is one which will haunt them for years to come so it's no wonder that this time they bowed to the pressure of their fans and made the decision to draft Cousins"

What to say: "Scott West was robbed out of a Brownlow in 2000, but he doesn't need honors be acknowledged as a true champion of the game"

What NOT to say: "I can't believe the AFL didn't think of expanding into West Sydney earlier, we really could stand to lose a team or two in Victoria"

4. Horse Racing

When: Caulfield Cup day to Oaks day inclusive. Then it's back to blokes in overcoats and crowds of 200 at Moonee Valley on a Thursday.

For most of the calendar year racing of any code is treated with complete disdain. Think gambling and you think of crusty old men in the TAB with form guides that they stole from the paper without paying for it. Even when somebody pays $2 million for a horse at the annual yearling sales barely an eyebrow is raised, but then all of a sudden almost out of nowhere the city is consumed by the idea of "going to the races". Of course nobody gives a toss about the actual horses, it's more about getting trashed, collapsing in a hedge and not being able to get a train home.

Some do take their gambling seriously though. Our ridiculously oversized and expensive hats off to those lunatics who spend the entire year betting millions of dollars on thoroughbreds, but even more so a big round of applause to the wannabe big shots who go into the carnival thinking they've got it all worked out only to lose their entire life savings instead. The only thing left to do is get maggoted and have a fight with somebody in the members enclosure.

Then, bang, after a final, barely tolerated, hoorah on Stakes Day the prospect of frocking up and watching midgets whipping horses around a track while drinking yourself into a coma is about as welcome as a Daphne and Celeste comeback tour.

What they say: "Right, now I've got two legs of the Quaddie, I'm into the running double on the 2nd at Cessnock and my first four on the 3rd at the Dapto dogs is looking like a cert. Can I borrow twenty bucks?" or "Bleghhhh" when they spew on your shoes.

What to say: "I always put my money with the cups king, Bart Cummings and I was delighted when he won the big race again last year."

What NOT to say: "You know what, I reckon I'd prefer a night at the Sandown Park greyhounds"

5. FIFA World Cup

When: Every four years starting in July 2006, and continuing through to at least 2010.

I remember a time in the not at all distant past when 95% of white, anglo-saxon god fearing, dinky-di "aussies" loathed 'soccer'. To express an interest in football in the late 1980's was an invitation to be referred to as a wog or woman. You see it was a game strictly for poofs and if you wanted to be macho you'd grab your cricket bat and stand in a field for days wearing pristine whites and being politely applauded instead.

Then at some point in the late 90's everything changed. Australia had suffered two near misses at qualifying for the World Cup (and let's face it I'll never get over that Iran game..) and the emergence of Pay-TV and the internet had made the game accessible. No longer did the handful of us who cared have to cower under the doona at 2am to listen to the BBC World Series, or avoid the Monday sports section to watch the 10pm highlights package on the ABC after Birds of a Feather. Now it was suddenly fashionable to wear team shirts on the street - but only the big teams - and discuss with your mates whether or not Chelsea would ever win another league title. Of course at the time you didn't actually know any Chelsea fans, but then some rich bloke bought them and everyone's walking around in replica shirts singing Blue Is The Color.

And so when Australia finally qualified for their second world cup with that amazing penalty shootout win over Uruguay it was licence for everybody who had loathed the game in the past to suddenly profess a love of the world game. The internet nearly crashed with all the people googling "Johnny Warren" to see who it was that everyone kept talking about on the World Cup coverage. So they crowded public spaces all around the country, bit their tongues and pretended that they really didn't mind a nil-all draw and went off their nut for the Aussies from kickoff against Japan to the moment that cheating Italian cunt fell over in the box and knocked us out. Then, finally justified, 90% of them went back to making snide comments about greasy Europeans going down as if shot without having been touched.

Most of the other 10% jumped on-board the A-League and subsequently jumped off again if crowds anywhere other than Melbourne are anything to go by. With the national team a cert to qualify for South Africa 2010 (if you're planning to go and support them watch your wallets, and ladies buy a chastity belt) the current complete apathy for the game is projected to turn into an utter frenzy again. I tend to agree with this insightful letter, published in the Melbourne MX newspaper just after that famous shootout win;


What they say: "Despite Mark Viduka's poor scoring record for the Socceroos, I believe that his performances as a target man who can hold the ball up have really earnt him his place in the squad"

What to say: "Despite the hype Guus Hiddink really did have a poor 2006 World Cup as manager. The fact is that with the starting lineup on the field we only scored one goal from open play"

What NOT to say: "Why don't they just get rid of offside and let people stand anywhere. Works alright in footy"

Saturday, 3 January 2009

Inappropriate Kartoon Korner

Now.. it's supposed to be his tongue on an icy pole.. but...

Ahem. Who has time to work out what the real meaning is when you're presented by that image.