Saturday, 29 November 2008

Procedural Comment

Like a total goof I forgot to renew, so that link is now completely useless. If it's any consolation at least it now features a fit bird.

Please alter your bookmarks, links etc.. accordingly.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Fashion Corner

An in no way comprehensive look at awful football kit over the years courtesy of Classic Football Shirts - where you too can pick up a vintage Oxford United 1987 home jersey for just $350. Result!

P.S - Goalkeeper strips are automatically disqualified because they're expected to look terrible.

P.P.S - Before we start with the slop a moment please for my all time favourite shirt,

Wimbledon 1993 home

And now that you've seen the best, check out the rest.

Aberdeen 1994 away - the reason why you shouldn't do acid before designing a football shirt.

Arsenal 1991 away - seemed like a good idea at the time

Aston Villa 1991 alternative - surely never even seemed like a good idea.

Blackpool 1995 away - just plain ugly.

Celtic 1991 away - dressing like they were in the middle of a stock market crash. Sadly no sign of the vomit stained one they tried to get away with a couple of years later.

Chelsea 1990 away - both sponsor and design give away the very close proximity of this shirt to the 1980's.

Clydebank 1987 home - later seen being sponsored by a car wash and a band

Everton 1994 away - are you sensing a trend for shitbox away strips?

Grimsby 1992 away - yes you are!

Hartlepool 1997 away - the key to success is not having a base color that doesn't look good with anything.

Hull City 1994 home - where the dodgy curry look proves that home shirts can look terrible too.

Kansas City Wizards 1998 home - welcome to the rainbow parade. That was always going to work when trying to convince a nation of people who were already suspicious of 'soccer' to get on board.

Leyton Orient 1993 away - a very rare example of kit design being changed to promote the sponsor. Sadly Space Invader FC were shit and it's never been done again.

Luton 1991 home - as early 90's as large pants and MC Hammer.

Maidstone United 1989 away - not surprisingly they went into liquidation that year. Presumably the merchandising returns didn't do much to save them.

Middlesborough 1989 home - 1979 more like it. Terrible, but maybe not as bad as..

Middleborough 1992 away - all in all you're just another brick in the wall

Millwall 1997 away - Kit boring. Sponsor genius.

NAC Breda 1998 home - could be worn by RACV repairmen when working on cars on busy highways in the dark.

Northampton 1991 home - kit just plain ugly, sponsor = genius!

Notts County 1994 away - please note that they are NOT a Scottish team, nor anywhere near the Scottish border.

Nottingham Forest 1994 away - that bit at the bottom is a pair of shorts, but it doesn't detract from the abysmal quality of the top of the shirt.

Partick Thistle 1987 home - as 80's as you like.

Real Betis 1995 away - what the buggery were they going for here?

San Lorenzo 1999 home - apparently if you play their matches backwards the shirt tells you to kill people.

Scarborough 1990 home - best sponsor ever!

Scunthorpe 1991 away - From the team that failed the profanity filter comes a shirt that looks as if it had been on the end of a vicious knife attack.

Southend 1997 away - clearly designed by somebody with a ponytail and damaged nostrils

St. Johnstone 1990 home - Hah, they said Bonar

Stoke City 2002 away - 90 minutes of watching this run around would give you a guaranteed headache.

Stoke City 1996 away - Now, who were you again?

Watford 1991 away - there's a reason nobody wanted to sponsor this.

Watford 1991 away - the year that gave kit design in the Watford area a bad name.

West Brom 1993 away - Value for money for sponsors not included

Wolves 1991 home - just looked plain dirty. Lack of dry cleaners in the Wolverhampton area apparent.

Wolves 1996 away - a fitting way to end. The designers shot for 'artistic' and fell somewhere in 1982.

This Is Not An Exit

Great Moments in Cinema - #23231 American Psycho

Find cat at ATM

Recieve instructions from ATM

Try to convince cat to comply at gunpoint

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Best General Ever

Thailand - the home of military comedy.

A Thai general who warned anti-government activists to book their own funerals ahead of a rally this weekend hit out at his bosses Friday after saying he had been moved to a role teaching aerobics.

Major General Khatiya Sawadiphol, an adviser to the Thai army, has courted controversy with a string of comments against demonstrators who have occupied the prime minister's offices in Bangkok.

An army spokesman said that Khatiya, who has written books about his combat exploits, had been appointed by army chief General Anupong Paojinda to lead the military's health club promotion task force.

Khatiya, who is under investigation on disciplinary charges, told newspapers that his new posting was "ridiculous".

"The army chief wants me to be a presenter leading aerobic dancers. I have prepared one dance. It's called the throwing-a-hand-grenade dance," the Bangkok Post quoted Khatiya as saying.

The army, however, denied the general's assertion.

"The working group is to find a way for army staff and families to exercise. It does not mean, as Khatiya sarcastically told reporters, that he will lead aerobic dances in the marketplace," Lieutenant Colonel Sirichan Ngathong told AFP.

The group leading the protests, the People's Alliance for Democracy (PAD), have called for a blockade of parliament on Sunday after one of its members was killed and 29 were wounded in a grenade attack on Thursday.

Khatiya reportedly warned them to book Buddhist temples for their funerals if they went ahead. "Bullets will be fired from all sides into Government House so please get out," he was quoted as saying in Matichon newspaper.

See, it's funny now - but surely everyone can see that this guy is going to lose the plot and take out a few people before he ever gets the chance to don the leotard and do squat thrusts in the MBK Centre.

Kritics Korner *SPOILERS BE HERE*

My problems with the new James Bond film..

(Stop reading now if you haven't seen it, I will not be held responsible otherwise)

* The name - Complete bollocks.

* The villain - Remember when Bond villains would try and destroy the world so they could float around space procreating a new master race? Well, this guy is stealing water from Bolivians. Thrillsville - where do I buy the Mr. 3A action figure?

* The girl - Decidedly average

* Bond goes "rogue" - Yawn

* Gadgets - None. Not even that funky thing he had last time that started his heart from the car after he'd been poisoned. A GPS phone? How exciting.

Purists will probably be throwing bricks at their keyboard reading this, and let's not forget that I actually like Moonraker so who am I to have an opinion, but I'm telling you if that movie hadn't had James Bond on the marquee then it would never have been made. Daniel Craig is a sweet Bond, because without him that would have been nothing more than a very average Vin Diesel movie. If it had been the king of slop Pierce Brosnan I probably would have walked out after five minutes.

2 stars. Must try harder.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Cop that you swine

No posting for a while. Going to hospital to cop hell from a surgeon. Happy days in the land of TSP! Amuse yourselves while I'm away - how will you be able to tell the difference?

Update - So, I'm back. Well, actually I've been home since Tuesday and haven't gone outside since then. Glorious. I've had half the things in my mouth/throat removed and am feeling surprisingly well for it. Here's to eventually getting a decent night's sleep for the first time in ten years.

In the meantime amuse yourself with this,

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Margaret Pomeranz Corner

Took me 11 years but I finally bothered to sit down and watch Chasing Amy. Who the fuck thought of that ending (the second last scene that is)? Absolutely shithouse. Frankly ruined it for me when I really like the rest of it.

(This post was of no consequence, I just had to get that off my chest)

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Know Your News

Now, this is crucial today - we don't want anyone getting confused in the middle of a celebrity filled spring carnival.



Got it? Another way to tell is that if you send invites to both of them only one is going to reply...

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Alright, that's good stuff

Two footballers. Two of the worst videos you'll ever see.

The Jacko one is more lyrically obscure and pointless ("I make my own tomato juice and I drink it all the time"? The fuck?) but at least he's not tempted to actually try and sing like Warrick. However I'm going to have to give the nod in this one to Mr. Capper (he of the long blonde locks) due to the bit at 1.48 where he's playing pool and after a shot of a ball going in they quickly cut away to disguise the fact that he's actually potted the white as well. Champagne all round.

Then there's Jacko's follow up single.. at least Warrick was smart enough to pull the pin after one track.

Friday, 7 November 2008

Heroes of Spring Racing

#1 of 1



There's a shot to get framed and put in the pool room.

Surely there's a positive story to come out of the rail chaos. Somebody MUST have picked up during all that chaos. Not that they would have been able to get very far, but that's not the point. Lack of a suitable venue has never stopped anyone at Oaks Day before.

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Motoring Magic

I was lucky enough to be standing at the corner of Collins and Exhibition Street yesterday and witness one of the most shambolic attempts at driving in history.

At an intersection with the dreaded hook turn the shambolic motorist in question sits in the right lane indicating, ready to turn. Naturally the cars behind her start honking their horns to a) indicate that she can't turn there, and b) give them some release from jumping out and smashing the bonnet with a tire iron. So she pulls forward a bit, which does absolutely nothing for traffic flow - more horns. Eventually she pulls right up into the middle of the intersection, at which time a police motorbike pulls up and starts talking to her. Presumably he was giving a full run down on the actual road rules of Victoria, because by the time he'd finished the lights had turned red and she was stuck in the middle of the intersection.

By that time a car who was actually doing a hook turn had got into position and was about to turn when the original realised she was stuck and took off, almost collecting the hook turner. More horns. Eventually they worked out what they were doing and the turner got away without being t-boned by this tragic figure in a green Ford Falcon. However by then the pedestrian lights had turned green and she couldn't move out of the intersection because there were 50 people in front of the car. More horns - including from inside the Green shambles car directed at the people crossing the road. Eventually the motorbike cop had to pull into the crossing and physically stop people from going in front of her so she could clear the intersection without killing anyone.

Bell Shakespeare Company be buggered, that was the best drama I've ever seen.