Saturday, 30 August 2008

Pitch Invasion Ole Ole Ole

For all the bollocks from the AFL during the week about rigourously enforcing fines for people who ran on the ground at Telstra Dome when the 100th goal was kicked the whole thing ended up being a bit of a fizz. You couldn't expect anything more though, Demetriou claiming that $6000 fines were going to be handed out left, right and centre was akin to the Georgia vs Russia war - a declaration of war followed by attempts to defend yourself with a shovel against an unstoppable invading force.

Despite what the AFL had to say it was obvious that Telstra Dome had the right idea (for the first time in history), as you could see them opening gates to the ground for people to run on rather than making them all jump the fence. I'm sure they could sense that some knob was going to take a sick bump trying to climb the fence and sue them over it. Once the invasion had taken place "play of the day" went to Robert Campbell of Hawthorn (who? I have no idea either) who was seen posing for photos with fans.

Now, we all knew that Demetriou and the AFL were full of shit. What's new? But in the spirit of the night, with the potential for dual 100 goal kickers and an allegedly sold out crowd that somehow still only got to 49k, I think they should have introduced a competitive element to the ground invasion. Announce that they don't give a rats arse if you run on or not, but after five minutes the siren will go and the last ten people off the ground - be they young, old, infirm or stupid, will cop the full 6 grand fine. Then it's fair for everyone - you get your chance to have a run, but if you don't get off before that siren goes then you're agreeing to participate in the inaugural Docklands scramble. Of course then when it's a bunch of 9-year-olds who have had their parents abandon them in the mad rush you don't actually fine them (or do you?) but at least it makes a point.

The only time I was ever at a game where somebody kicked the ton was Tony Lockett on a Monday night (why?) in 1998. I was in a corporate box for some strange reason so I didn't get the chance to do a lap of honour, but definately remember cracking the shits because we were winning and I didn't want to lose momentum. We won anyway, and despite kicking 4 Lockett was owned by Jamie Shanahan.

Retrospectively, were I to be hit with by a car and go back in time a'la Life On Mars, I'd like to go back and be at the Melbourne-Hawthorn game in Round 22, 1996. Having almost completely lost interest in sports at the time I didn't think much about it then, but now looking back I can't believe that the two sets of fans who were so against a merger (because, let's face it, the Melbourne "yes" vote was about so fraudulent it may as well have been held in Zimbabwe) didn't run on when Dunstall kicked him 100th and refuse to leave for 10 or 20 minutes until they had made their point. Tonight some peanuts erected a Buddy Franklin sign in the middle of the ground for a mere 100th goal, surely somebody could have made some about saving two football clubs. Were I not suffering from the same thing at the time I'd accuse everyone involved of severe apathy.

Meanwhile is there ANY danger that we'll ever see a Melbourne player kick the ton? Darren Bennett and David Neitz have gone respectively close in my lifetime and Allen Jakovich might have done it had he not spent so much time getting injured allegedly porking groupies, but it just seems destined never to happen. Yet another advantage of following a team that has won bugger all for 40+ years.


John McCain is getting on a bit. In fact he's about 250 years old. Certain disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters/nutbags are gagging for a woman to vote for. So, is anyone surprised that all of a sudden the Republican has picked a much younger, female running mate?

Sen. John McCain has picked Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate, a senior McCain campaign official told CNN on Friday.

Palin, 44, who's in her first term as governor, is a pioneering figure in Alaska, the first woman and the youngest person to hold the state's top political job.

She catapulted to the post with a strong reputation as a political outsider, forged during her stint in local politics. She was mayor and a council member of the small town of Wasilla and was chairman of the state Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, which regulates Alaska's oil and gas resources, in 2003 and 2004.

Who knew Alaska still even existed? And here's a word I bet you've never heard before,

“Palin is becoming a star in the conservative movement, a fiscal conservative in a state that is looking like a boondoggle for pork barrel spending,” ”

I'll give you a clue. It's not "fiscal" or "conservative"

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

International Relations

Overheard from the announcers booth at the AFL International Cup today...

".. and their coach Robert Dipper.. Dipier.. Dipder.. oh you know, that bloke with the long choco surname"

Surely if you said that on the field you'd end up at the tribunal...

Sunday, 24 August 2008

TSP's Guide to Firing Up The Games

Let's face it - for all the Aussie gold (which, for once, is not as much as the British gold and will presumably lead to shitloads of tax payer money being wasted to catch up) the Olympics are actually a bit tedious. Having been suckered into watching far too much of this stuff over the last couple of weeks I hereby tender the following suggestions for improving the entertainment value of the games.

* Give any judge who is kicked in the head by a disgruntled competitor the automatic right to challenge for the gold medal

* Run both the Men's and Women's Marathons at exactly the same time but in opposite directons across the course.

* Award Gold, Silver and Bronze in both the male and female disciplines to the athletes who get laid the most during their time in the Olympic Village. When it comes to spending your marketing budget landing a sporting superstar that's the medal tally I want to be having my money on. This should also help the lacklustre figures in this event during 2008 after world record attempts in Sydney and Athens.

* Mix up the relays. Make them have two men and two women. Then randomly draw the order in which each team must run.

* Replace boring normal tennis with Royal Tennis and watch a handful of people trying to serve off the penthouse. Alternatively Jai Alai would make a splash if you could find an Olympic standard fronton somewhere.

* Goodbye Decathalon. Hello Olympic "It's A Knockout"

* Further modernise the Modern Pentathalon by bringing in Playstation 3 and text messaging components. Use of predictive text means an instant DQ.

* Ban any gymnast under 15, and any BMX rider over 15. Then replace both softball and baseball with the Little League World Series.

* Throw Judo, Boxing, Wrestling and all the other pissy combat sports out and replace them with world series Ultimate Fighting Championship cagefighting.

* If you must have amateur wrestling make them do it in a professional ring. With entrance music, stunt chairs and pre-cut tables that they're allowed to throw people through.

* Introduce a "go for your life" category in the weightlifting where people are allowed to take whatever they like without fear of drug testing.

* Run the Steeplechase race under "No Holds Barred" rules where you trip, eye gouge and crash tackle people into the water hazard as much as you want for 3000 metres.

* Include a jousting section into the fencing.

* Lauren Jackson to be drafted into the Russian women's basketball team and both to be shown on a dedicated channel 24/7.

* Have two spots in each event reserved for a random draw of athletes from other sports. Then we can decide who's better between Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps with a game of table tennis, while Miao Miao can have a go at Super Heavyweight weightlifting.

* Replace the soccer rule that allows you to have 2 "over 23" players with one that allows you to have two under 30's and the rest have to be veterans.

* Take dressage out of the equestrian program and replace it with Harness Racing.

* Cancel all sailing events and instead hold an 18ft skiff regatta like the ones you used to see on during the lunch break of cricket matches.

* Swimming = wave pool and no lanes.

* Hold the open water swimming events down a river filled with needles and burnt out stolen cars. This will ensure that the Highpoint 2016 bid has a fair chance of succeeding.

* Let China drop the charade about being a fair and democratic nation just in time for the Closing Ceremony where they'll be allowed to publicly execute anyone they want and invade a small bordering nation.

* Have the closing ceremony created, concieved and organised by the winners of a worldwide reality TV series.

And for the next Winter Olympics Vancouver 2010 I suggest cancelling every single event and replacing it with a massive version of the Wide World Of Sports Wild Winter Weekend, hosted by Max Walker and Ken Sutcliffe with Darryl Eastlake on commentary.

International Olympic Committee. I am here for you.

Thursday, 21 August 2008

What's Wrong With This Picture?


a) What sort of sane person starts a petition?
b) And then proceeds to waste their hard earned advertising it on Farcebook?
c) But doesn't bother to read what they're written and botches the date.

Farce. There could be a thousand mistakes in this post alone but I'm not paying to put it up, so all complaints can be directed to "Your Mum" courtesy of "Your Mum's House".

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

In Search Of Perfection

You might remember that a few weeks ago my MP3 player was broken in a Chinese poison related incident a few weeks ago. According to the blatantly 'in India' call centre guy I spoke to the price to fix a broken screen is "at least $400". Given that the thing only costs $430 in the shops that was hardly an option, so I set off on a search for a new player that fit the only two requirements I have,

* Is at least 60gb

Easy? Well, you'd think so wouldn't you. And to answer your first question, which was pretty much the same thing that the guy in JB asked me ("Just how much stuff do you have?"), the answer is "heaps". The second obvious question "what's wrong with the Ipod" should be blatantly obvious to anyone who has ever attempted to use one.

So, somehow on the strength of a few half read reviews I ended up bidding on a used Toshiba Gigabeat on Ebay. Got it for $120 (including postage), sat back thinking how smart I was to pick somebody off for it in the last few seconds, and waited for a new era of music technology. Then I got a message from the seller saying that their "kid" had "messed" with it and now it "didn't work" unless it was attached to the mains power. Obviously they just weren't happy with the price they got for it and came up with some bullshit story to cover the fact that they want to relist it later. I could have called their bluff, but presumably if I'd done that they would have put it under running water for two hours before posting it to me (still wet) and laughing maniacally when I complained. So I took the refund and went back into the market for another one - the next auction to finish was going for $85 but without any of the leads, chargers etc.. All that shit was on sale from dodgy bastards in Hong Kong so I decided to pull the same last minute sniper job that I had on the first one. Two days of waiting later I get into the last minute of the auction (up to $99), lose my mind spectacuarly and somehow end up paying $180 for it.

All good. Arrives today, pre-loaded with the previous owner's amusing awful collection (The Best Beer Songs and Australian country? FORMAT!) and the USB/power connections from the Creative player worked. Everything's looking good! So, I go looking for the actual software I need to transfer files, and suddenly we've got the first signs that something's going wrong. You can't get it anywhere other than where somebody has uploaded it to one of those pissweak file sharing sites that people usually put pr0n and Slipknot albums on. Anyway, as long as it works eh? But it doesn't. Maybe it's just me, I'll Google up and find out if there are any other people having the same problem. And there were heaps. Apparently it's a software disaster. Thrillsville. There's a different kind of software that you can put on it which is, apparently, infinately better but guess what? Their website is porked and nobody else ever thought to mirror the downloads.

So, after a couple of fruitless attempts at putting something on it (post formatting to get rid of the stench of local country) I just rebooted my computer and tried to open the program. Nothing happened, and then ten minutes later while I was doing something completely different (not involving the aforementioned pr0n) the program suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I transferred a few tracks over, all of which got given the same album cover against my will, and it crashed never to be seen again. Until I rebooted, tried again and once more had it suddenly appear ten minutes later when I'd forgotten I even wanted it.

Finally having got some stuff onto it, with most of it displaying a sign about Domestic Refuse that it had somehow picked off my computer and assigned to each track, I started to play around with it and it's really not doing much for me. If the transferring of files was quick and painless I could probably put up with it for a year or so, but the prospect of trying to get 150+ CD's and god knows how many thousands of tracks from hard drive onto it when the software is as stable as an Italian government terrifies me. That's got nervous breakdown written all over it.

If I had half a brain I'd relist the Gigaslop on Ebay, palm it off to some other sucker, cut my (presumably considerable) losses and go back to the only player that ever really made me happy. It would be like going to back to a decidedly average childhood sweetheart after realising that anything good looking will turn out to be shallow, useless and heart breaking.

You know how depressed I am by this whole thing? I even looked at an iPod earlier. That's like having a relationship that destroys you so much that you turn gay just to see if it feels any better. Sure, I might have 'experimented' before, but it was vastly unpleasant and I don't think I could subject myself to it again. I also once owned an iPod and didn't enjoy that either. Fnar.

So, any links to players that fit the magic criteria would be much appreciated. Please note - any suggestion that no sane person actually required 60gb (plus!) of storage space will not be taken seriously. If you're going to have one Toto song, have them all that's what I say.

UPDATE - I could have had this for $300. The fuck is wrong with me?

UPDATE 2 - Yeah, I bought the Zune and the slopfest is back on Ebay. If I get half of what I paid for it back I'll be happy. After this glowing review I'm sure you'll all be searching for it. Would make a great Father's Day gift - if you hate your dad.

Monday, 18 August 2008

Kommentary Korner

Surely there's a novelty Barack Obama song in this. Havana? Obama? Come on shithouse satirists and Saturday Night Live stooges - do I have to do your job for you?

Then there's the argument that nobody has heard the song in ten years, but that's to be argued another day.

You know, I kind of liked Urge Overkill for the thirteen minutes they were around. I even own the CD single of this, though by the looks of it they didn't even bother making a real video for it.

Sunday, 17 August 2008

Thank God We Kicked The Wogs Out (Part 2324)

The first four seasons of the A-League has had more brawls than the last five years of the NSL, and yet somehow it's still the done thing to mention how the old league was wrecked by evil ethnic violence. At least people punching on for their country has some merit (not much, but go with me here), this looks like a bunch of pubeless 14-year-olds brawling in a school playground.

Any danger we could line up a few more Melbourne Scum vs Sydney Scum matches over the next few weeks so we can see some more action footage of the wannabe hooligan kids having a crack?

Saturday, 16 August 2008

Domestic Violence Explained


When AAMI come up with an ad featuring Todd stuffing Mrs. Todd into a woodchipper then I'll sign up for however much insurance they want me to.

Am I the only one who manages to stop willing her to be hit by a car long enough to ask just how you're supposed to buy a wedding ring/get to Paris on the savings from your car insurance when the ad makes a point of saving you "an average of $350". How are you going to get there you crunts? In the cargo hold of a Panamanian supertanker?

Friday, 15 August 2008

Scenes from a Nazi Birthday


Don't you think they would have been a bit more careful in their selection of soft drink. If you say "Mountain Dew" quickly doesn't it sound a bit like "Mountain Jew"? And that's the last thing you want to be drinking when you're celebrating Hitler's birthday. One cry of "I've got the Mountain Jew" and 50 skinhead idiots would be doing third reich elbow drops on you.

Meanwhile is it just me or are Neo-Nazi's the biggest supporters of a lost cause ever born? Would you honestly come out and publically support an organisation that promised a thousand years of destruction, delivered a mere decade of domination and were then pounded into the turf never to be seen again. It'd would be like celebrating the life and times of the Fremantle Dockers with a cake, but they didn't even get the decade of success before being beaten senseless.

Dancing With The B-List

Not that I ever have watched it, or plan to (it's a lie, I love it wholeheartedly) but having seen the ad for Dancing With The Stars during a brief flirtation with watching the Olympics when the Russian women's basketball team weren't involved you'd think they'd actually get some stars to appear on the new series.

Red Symons - the multi-talented wit, ABC radio presenter and Australia's Got Talent judge we love to hate will be under close scrutiny with his partner and newcomer Ana Andre.

Brooke Hanson - one of Australia's 'Golden Girls' from the winning 2004 Olympic 4x100m medley relay team, this beloved swimmer is out for dance floor glory with her powerful partner, John Paul Collins.

Danny Green - no stranger to fancy footwork, bright lights or satin, the boxer known as the "The Green Machine" is the ultimate competitor. He retired as the WBA light heavyweight world champion recently but he�s still out for glory, this time with his series 5 champion Natalie Lowe.

Jodi Gordon - Home and Away's much-loved Martha MacKenzie and 2006 Logie-winner for Most Popular New Female, Jodi will be out to snag a new trophy with her partner, two-time winner of New Zealand's Dancing with the Stars Stefano Oliveri.

Paul Licuria - this former AFL Collingwood champion retired from the top grade last year. But he's still in great shape and ready to take his on-field skills to the floor with the stunning Eliza Campagna.

Toni Pearen - the pint-sized darling of the small screen will be going for style, grace and flair rather than Dancing's funniest videos when she takes to the floor with her partner, So You Think You Can Dance star Henry Byalikov.

Cal Wilson - this comedienne strikes the unique balance between sweet, gorgeous and downright hilarious on TV's Thank God You're Here and on Nova drive with Akmal Saleh. She'll be hoping to find the right wavelength with the judges and a whole new audience with series 7 winner, Craig Monley.

Charli Delaney - an original ever-smiling member of children's chart-toppers Hi-5, she now deals out support and advice to Aussie choirs. She had all the right steps for kids around the world but will she impress the Dancing with the Stars faithful with returning favourite Csaba Szirmai.

James Tobin - since he joined the top-rating Sunrise team as its chief entertainment reporter he's come face-to-face with some of the world's biggest stars, Mariah Carey, George Lucas and Robert Downey Junior among them. But Dancing with the Stars will be his greatest test yet with his partner, another newcomer, Jade Hatcher.

Luke Jacobz - for such a young bloke Home and Away's cheeky new cop Angelo has a significant list of TV achievements, including stints on Heartbreak High and McLeod�s Daughters. He's fired up to add the title of Dancing with the Stars champion to his already impressive resume with pocket rocket Luda Kroitor.

Surely, with the exception of the world's biggest one-trick-pony Symons (walk on, look disgusted, say something allegedly biting and walk off), somebody needs to get the Trade Practices Act out and see if you can legally call a show "with the stars" when it's B-List to the max. I'm still waiting for Blogging With The Stars but every time I call Channel 7 to tell them about it they hang up on me.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Australia - your fake moral outrage is ready.

So, bits of the Olympic opening ceremony were a bit fat fraud...

Olympic organisers on Wednesday defended the switching of a seven-year-old singer with a more photogenic double during the opening ceremony, comparing it with an athlete getting dropped for a big game.

Nine-year-old Lin Miaoke became a celebrity in China after she "sang" a patriotic ballad in front of 91 000 people and a television audience of millions during Friday's opening spectacular.

But organisers later admitted the real voice was that of chubby Yang Peiyi, who was deemed not attractive enough to go on stage, a decision that the International Olympic Committee's executive director Gilbert Felli defended.

There was also something about CGI fireworks. Now, for one who gives a rats arse what they do, it's not really that important. But let's be honest, who in their right mind expects a brutal, repressive dictatorship to act ethically? Really, if that's the worst thing you can find to complain about against China when they're probably throwing people into the Yangtze on a daily basis then you're giving them more credit than they deserve.

Monday, 11 August 2008

RIP Some Cartoon Character

Poor Isaac Hayes. Not only dead, but destined to never have his face shown again. Imagine what was happening at the office when they put this photo up.


"Isaac Hayes is dead"
"You know, the singer"
"Can we get a photo of him"
"Wasn't he the chef in South Park?"
"Yeah sweet, just chuck that in and let's go to the pub"

A fitting tribute?

Sunday, 10 August 2008

People Who Need To Be Shot #101

Anyone who spends $90 on an AFL jumper and then defiles it with the name of the worst gimmick character of all time. Who are you trying to impress sir? It certainly didn't work on the girls sitting next to him.


Please also note that the skinhead behind him was wearing double denim with cutoff sleeves. What would you expect at a St. Kilda/Collingwood game?

In other news from around the MCG, don't you think somebody might have had a word to the kid who did the Melbourne Olympics tile in this display?


All hail the 1957 Olympics. Cue there being a legitimate reason for it being there, further proving that 'the kids' know more about everything than I do.

Saturday, 9 August 2008

Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Dividing the Nation

What's with people's obsessive reactions to dividing their shopping from everybody else in a supermarket? It's fair enough to insist on dragging out the big stick (ooer) when there's three thousands items being scanned and there's some potential for the checkout person to completely lose interest in getting paid $5 an hour and just start bagging anything, but what kind of lifestyle are people leading when you've got one or two items and they dive for the divider in case it all gets mixed up.

Even when you put your stuff a good 20cm back from theirs, and start with an obvious divider like a giant french bread stick they still have a bit of a breakdown and insist on division. Give the person behind the counter some credit that they can work out what's what when you've got two people standing there and two sets of shopping divided by half a counter. I know sick freaks get off on thinking they're smarter than people who work in shops, but let's not get ridiculous here. And so what if my lettuce suddenly takes a leg break off the tomato sauce and crosses into your section of the aisle? Pick it up and hand it back you peanut. Anyway, as if I'd be seen dead buying or eating a lettuce - that's a vegetable that exists solely to be the punchline in Rodney Rude gags.

It's everything that's wrong with society on a smaller scale if you ask me. Sadly nobody ever does.

Sunday, 3 August 2008

And The Crowd Goes Absolutely Mild

If I'd gone to work today I would have been paid for ten hours to watch a two hour movie. With the other option being a cold day at the MCG watching us get slapped around by one of my most hated teams you'd think the choice would be fairly clear. But yet again the football as heroin scenario won out again and I showed up for a meaningless fixture that we had very little realistic chance of winning. I'd put an expense claim in to Big Footy (after all, they do run this site if I haven't mentioned it recently) but I expect that the Chief would come around and throw rocks through my windows. Rightly so too.

So there I was in the non-standard position of the Olympic Stand (I couldn't be bothered walking around to the Ponsford) freezing my tits off and wondering just how much champers my work colleagues had already knocked back at the film festival. My riposte to fine dining was to attempt eating the pinkest and shittest hot dog in the history of western civilization. If that, and the off-yellow mustard on it, doesn't end in a trip to the hospital later tonight I'll be shocked.

Today was probably the first time we've put in a genuine four quarter performance all season, the only problem being that we didn't manage to stop our opposition from doing the same. And while we were lining up with a forward line so makeshift that you were half expecting Jamie Dury to come out halfway through and announce that we were part of some sick new reality TV program ("Forward Line Blitz"? I'm into it), the other lot had the 8th highest goalkicker in history running riot around the packs and taking mark of the year. Says it all really, and was almost certainly the difference between the two sides.

Speaking of team selection I'm not surprised in the least at Jones getting dropped. I've almost been alone in saying it over the last few weeks but he's found it almost impossible to hit a target by foot in the last month. He needed a week away to recharge the batteries, and if he's the hardened professional that everyone always says he is then he'll come back bigger and better than ever. Really, who's career has ever been destroyed by missing out on a totally meaningless late season match?

Newton getting the arse was, on the other hand, a surprise. He's been, well let's say 'enigmatic' for the last couple of weeks but with Miller supposedly hurt you'd have thought they'd have left him out there to see what he can do as the focal point up front. So, to be dropped in that situation would seem to be the end of him wouldn't it? Now we're hearing that he's signed a new contract. God knows how football works but I'm glad I'm not expected to analyse it for a living.

So, Maric kept his spot after a promising debut and we welcomed back Green and Wheatley. All good, no arguments there - now how about a decent start for once so the game isn't completely over by quarter time? At the start it looked as if that was far too much to ask for. Poor Stef Martin came crashing back down to earth early on after playing quality football in his first three matches, wrecked by both McPhee and Lloyd. So be it, it's going to happen. Maric got his first career goal but even down by only two goals early on you could see that the Bombers had far too much firepower up front. When the ball went forward for them our backline was thrown into disarray, and though they often got away with it (in no small part thanks to Garland and the timeless Whelan) the process would rarely be repeated at the other end when our DIY attack would have a hard time getting anywhere near it. Sylvia was a bit rubbish early on and was taken to the cleaners by Fletcher, but gradually got into the game more and more and made an important contribution as our only real focal point up front. Bartram sank an opportunistic one before the end of the quarter to keep us within a goal.

Cometh the second quarter, cometh some of the worst umpiring you are ever likely to see in your life. Get the tape of this one before the AFL go back and wipe it from the official record to spare themselves, and the family of the gentleman involved (one Mr. Fila I believe) shame and embarassment at having been connected to it. So, Cam Bruce takes a mark 50m out hard on the boundary line and his opponent holds onto him. Fifty! Err no apparently not. So he keeps holding onto him and dragging him forward. Any minute now they're going to pay the 50 or at least tell the Essendon player to piss off onto his mark and behave himself. Well, that didn't happen. Eventually Bruce was thrown free, at which point the other guy hit the ground and tackled him around the ankles. Play on! Get fucked! Absolutely unbeliveable. I don't usually bag umpires, because frankly I couldn't ump an Auskick game decently let alone a real match but sometimes you just have to wonder what's going through their heads. It was as blatant a hold/trip as Barry Hall's haymaker on Brent Staker - there was simply no way anyone in their right mind could call play on not once but twice. We don't want to get the lawyers involved, but suffice to say somebody out there today was *** ***** *** (Snip! - Legal). There were a host of other 'contentious' calls emanating from the men in canary yellow but nothing as scandalous as that.

Despite the fact that we were rorted, and Lloyd was running riot at the other end, we hung in there until half time. Generally this season when games have turned into shootouts we're left about three postcodes behind but today, even with the D-Team up front we were matching them. Morton got his first, also potentially the first touch he'd had of 15 that had actually hit it's target, and Sylvia also added one leading up around the 50 and we were in the mix. Then Buckley kicked one to put us in front and I'm not sure if it was the dubious hot dog speaking but I was seeing stars.

A word on Buckley. I slaughtered him last week, but thought he was a lot better today. He's obviously good at getting around people and selling dummies but the more he learns to use his special moves sparingly rather than on every single occasion the better he'll get. Today he balanced daring solos with intuitive play and prospered. Dropped off in the second half and gave away four frees but given the way the umpires were seemingly picking them out of their arses I'm not going to hold that against him. Now that it's proven that whoever cops it on here comes out the next week and fixes their flaws I'd like to turn to Morton. Now, before we start I know I'm in the absolute minority on this so I have to stress that I believe he will be an excellent player once he has more experience and weighs more than a supermodel HOWEVER today he was the absolute King of Klang early on and it was as frustrating as anything. On more than one occasion under no pressure whatsoever he couldn't hit a player on his own 30m away. A scorching last quarter aside his disposal was fairly rancid. Getting it in the first place is the hard thing so given that he's got that sorted out he should go alright next year with a pre-season under his belt but let's not lose our minds and start giving him votes just because he got 26 possessions. We play a brand of football where pretty much everyone is guaranteed 5 cheap ones before the match even begins, so don't try and blind me with science and talk about how many he racked up when he torched most of them.

Nothing he botched managed to stack up to what Mark Jamar managed to achieve though. Taking a mark in the goalsquare he attempted to play on and somehow manage to mess it up from about 2m out. I have no idea how given that I looked down when he took the grab and looked up to see it rolling through off an Essendon player for a point. Naturally they went up the other end and kicked a goal straight away. He got 5 kicks on the day which equalled his career best. Shame he didn't manage one more, because I think there's an "I SAW JAMAR GET 6 KICKS" t-shirt that the club is desperate to start selling. On a day where he at least broke even with one of the best ruckmen in the comp that miss unfortunately made him look like a bit of a dick. To be honest I've liked him over the past few weeks, and as sad as it makes me to see Jeff White on the outer it's almost starting to look like it makes sense. Mind you any ruckman would have looked good with James McDonald at his feet today - 9 clearances and a dominant display in the centre almost single handedly dragged us back into the contest on a couple of occasions. I can't see him three-peating the B&F, but I'm glad to see him back to his best.

As soon as we hit the lead Essendon turned it up a notch and started to stem the bleeding out of the centre. A late goal to Davey, a corker on the run from outside 50, kept the margin at a respectable 15 at the long break and we were, I suppose, a chance. Lloyd still looked as if he was going to kick 15 but for want of any other real targets we were a chance.

Coming out of the 1/2 time break Sylvia kicked the first (and like I said a few weeks ago can we give up the sick fantasy that he's anything other than a forward and stop trying to play him off half back when he can't be arsed running more than 5m at a time) and Paul Johnson - who continues to impress - added the next. Once again we were back in it, then Jamar went for his second two goal turnaround of the match when he botched a more than gettable kick only to see the ball come down the other end and Matthew Lloyd take what's being acclaimed widely as mark of the year (though it must be a pretty ordinary field if that's the case) and kick a goal less than a minute later. Thankfully he missed another gettable one just after and when THE CELEBRATOR crumbed one and Sylvia got another (A FORWARD! THE MAN IS A FORWARD!) we were back in front. Then, err, it all went a bit wrong. They kicked four goals in six minutes to end the quarter and when they got the first of the 4th we were all but buggered. Green and McPhee traded goals before Jamar kicked one (!?) and Morton, finally tuned in to some decent disposal, added two more to bring us back within ten.

Then Lloyd kicked his 7th and we were rooted again. Then Bate kicked his second and we weren't rooted again. Then Leroy Jetta kicked one and we were definately rooted. Lloyd added an 8th and it was curtains despite a brave performance. Maric got the last and we got done by 16pts but it had encouraging signs written all over it. I'd love to see Maric's disposal efficiency because apart from his 2 goals I'm convinced that the other 9 kicks he had were all right on the money. He could be a massive find in the next couple of seasons if he can kick a couple of goals a week and play up the ground with some laser like disposals (RIP - T. Johnstone) to the big forwards, whoever they may be.

So we got done, but what did we really lose? The Essendon fans did a half hearted celebration knowing they hadn't set the world on fire against the worst team in the comp and we left wondering once again what could have been with a bit more composure and poise. Roll on Season 2009 - it's just a shame we have to sit through 4 months of cricketing bollocks before we get to it.

Marketing Magic
For the second time at a Melbourne/Essendon Game there was a mascot race. Maybe they do this all the time? And rightly so too. This time the giant green female M&M put in a scorching second half to beat a blue viking by 3 lengths with a chicken flying home quickly to grab third. Watch the chicken at a longer distance, it could be a chance during the spring carnival. At the back of the field the Slip, Slop, Slap penguin crash tackled somebody in a sumo suit and both finished well back.

Opposition Watch
I wouldn't know who 90% of the Essendon players were if they robbed me in the street. Time and time again when it comes to opposition players I just have absolutely no interest. Please note that this is not an invitation for any Essendon players to actually rob me in the street.

Crowd Watch
For those obsessed with the concept that all our fans are shrinking violets I give you this guy;


Off his chops on beers and god knows what else and standing up and yelling shit for four quarters. Would be a bloody nightmare to sit near but not being able to actually hear him from the cheap(est) seats in the house it seemed quite entertaining. Ruined everything by throwing in a 'respectful' handshake with the mulleted man a row in front who he'd been tormenting the whole day.

Kasualty Korner
What would a Melbourne match be without somebody getting hurt? Davey did his ankle and Garland a hammy. Neither of them in serious, screaming heap on the wing, white screen and shotgun circumstances but the way we're rotating players at the moment they'll probably miss anyway.

2008 Allen Jakovich Medal Votes
5 - James McDonald (The general of the midfield strikes again. Klearance King extraordinare)
4 - Matthew Bate (Finally they kick it to him and he does something)
3 - Lynden Dunn (Cut the dangerous Watson to shreds and got a lot of it around the ground)
2 - Simon Buckley (So much smarter than last week it wasn't funny)
1 - Colin Sylvia (Must play as a forward permanently)

Apologies to Bruce (plenty of touches, no massive impact), Morton (almost sneaks a vote for getting it so much, needs a full pre-season to learn how to stop butchering it), Valenti (enthusiasm plus), Paul Johnson, Garland, Whelan, Jamar (won in the ruck against Hille but loses points for the goalsquare botch) and Maric (beautiful poise and delivery with his kicking around the ground).

What a change to have so many apologies to hand out in a loss. The last two spots could have gone to almost any of the players listed above.


No real action at the top in the absence of the leader, but McDonald and Bate have both thrown themselves into the mix with BOG honors today. No changes in any of the other awards, but Morton would have to be favourite to take the Hilton now after his performance today - if he keeps getting 25 touches a game he's going to have enough accurate kicks to finally score a couple of votes.

23 - Nathan Jones
21 - Brock McLean, Cameron Bruce
20 - Brad Green
18 - Matthew Bate
17 - Brad Miller, James McDonald
14 - Lynden Dunn
13 - Paul Johnson
12 - Colin Garland (Joint Leader: 2008 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year), Chris Johnson (Joint Leader: 2008 Marcus Seecamp Medal for Defender of the Year)
11 - Aaron Davey
10 - Austin Wonaeamirri (Leader: 2008 Jeff Hilton Medal for Rookie of the Year)
9 - Cale Morton
8 - Shane Valenti
6 - Jared Rivers
5 - Brent Moloney, Simon Buckley
4 - Clint Bartram, Matthew Whelan
3 - Nathan Carroll, Matthew Warnock, Jeff White, Paul Wheatley, Stefan Martin
2 - Russell Robertson
1 - Mark Jamar, Adem Yze
1 - Colin Sylvia

Next Week
Geelong at the MCG on Friday night. They're unlikely to grant us the courtesy of a three goal lead this time, and their squad won't have been standing on the ground for half an hour before the game like they were at Kardinia Park earlier in the year. Personally I think we'll get smashed like guitars, but you couldn't want a better test of who's in it for the future and who should be playing in the Diamond Valley league. Bring it on? Well, if we have to.

The Week After
West Coast at the MCG in the "By christ we're depressed Beyond Blue Challenge Cup". With neither side likely to draft the same player anyway we might even get through the match without some ignorant peanut talking about tanking.

The Week After That
Port Adelaide at Football Park. They're not trying anymore this season, yet they'll still beat us by ten goals. What does that say about our record there?

The Last Week
Richmond at the MCG. Hopefully they're still in the finals mix and we can fix them up with Ben Holland kicking the winning goal and leaping into the Richmond corporate box and personally demanding the money they owe him.

The Finals
Give a shit?

Friday, 1 August 2008


Ever since I got poisoned by the Chinese my head has been farked. If pain persists consult a doctor.