Wednesday, 27 November 2002

How shattered am I that Beauty and the Beast has been axed? Thank god it looks like I might have something to do during the day next year, i'd be lost without this to watch everyday. Help keep Uncle Doug Mulray rich by visiting The Basement. You can stalk Mieke Buchan there too, which will excite many of my friends.

The good news is that you can still catch half the beauties in awful TV ad's and Jeannie Little in a dumpster somewhere near you.

(P.S - If I get a google hit for "Jeannie Little pron" now I will not be responsible for my actions.)

Late breaking alert - Here's some proof that Englishmen are as stupid as the rest of us.

A student died after being flung 100 feet into the air by a huge catapult.

The 19-year-old was taking part in the stunt at the Middlemoor Water Park in Woolavington near Bridgwater, Somerset, on Sunday.

What's all that about eh? These crazy kids.

Saturday, 23 November 2002

"Wahey!" news of the day

Kim Kelly will be attempting to add her name to the star-roster of "Sexual World Record" holders by sucking down a minimum of 90 cum enriched meals... and probably a number of "snacks". That's a diet of nothing more solid than cum, at least three meals a day for a month!

Go here if you want to make a donation to her valiant quest.

Yes, I did read about this on Portal of Evil News. So don't write in and tell me that i'm a pron freak.

Thursday, 21 November 2002

I read something highly comical once that said Belgium was famous for three things - Chocolate, paedophile rings and providing a handy backdoor for Germany to attack France through. I found it rather hillarious, but then again I find most things amusing.

Why am I posting this? Erm, no particular reason. I have had one hit in the blog lifetime from Belgium, so i'll expect a few thousand more people googling for Belgian kiddy pron now - joy.

Who am I kidding? The more disturbing the search request, the more I love it!

Speaking of disturbing, here's some of the things making news across this wide, brown, crazy, overpopulated planet..

Michael Jackson's shocked fans in Berlin after appearing to dangle a baby from a hotel window.

The eccentric US pop star had been waving to his German fans when he disappeared back into his room and then a few seconds later brought the baby, with a towel covering its head, out onto the veranda.

Holding the baby with one arm he then briefly dangled the infant over the balcony railing of the Adlon Hotel, before hurrying back into his room with the child.

So, now the reasons why he should be burnt at the stake have reached four figures. And then there's this...

Elizabeth Cornman is a Wiccan with an ax to grind.

Cornman, of Hanover Park, is suing her employer, Mary Kay Cosmetics, for harassment and discrimination based on her religious beliefs.

Seems fair enough to me, have you ever seen what these ugly witch-type-people look like? Hairy underarms are hardly the right look for a company that (probably) endorses a whole raft of beauty items.

Christ, i'm starting to sound like an informercial

Wednesday, 20 November 2002

Now, i've spent time slagging the French off in here before. But this story proves that in those years when they're not being used as a staging post for somebody's attempt to take over the world that they are quite smart people

Absurd memorial plaques pop up all over Paris
A Paris city councillor is asking for an inquiry into a rash of false and absurd memorial plaques that have appeared on buildings around the French capital.

Paris newspapers say one of the inscriptions reads: "Here on the 17th of April, 1967, nothing happened."

While another plaque bears the words: "Karima Bentiffa, civil servant, lived here from 1984 to 1989."

The person in question remains unknown in the neighbourhood.

Other inscriptions on the formal rectangles of stone are similarly baffling, reading for example: "This plaque was put up on December the 19th, 1953", and nothing else.

Councillor Claire de Clermont-Tonnerre says the plaques are unauthorised and some are funny, but only for about five minutes.

And they steal garden gnomes too... Those crazy frenchmen!

Sunday, 17 November 2002

CNN sez Pee Wee Herman charged with Child Porn but do you know what the funniest thing of all is? When he got busted he saved his own ass by turning in the guy who played Principal Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

I bought the DVD of that movie last week, I demand an updated commentary track.

Here's where the child fondling sleazebag comes in. How ironic that he's in charge of kiddies etc.. etc..

I want it! I want it! I want it!

Also, some disturbing news from El Salvador

"I was with my homies and we saw one of the MS scum who had killed my homegirl,' Helen recalls."

Those Microsoft bastards eh? Is there nothing they won't do to sell a few more PC's to the third-world?

Saturday, 16 November 2002

You know what? I was shocked and worried by the first disturbing search request ever on this site "Andrea True Connection Picture Porn" - I wondered just who would want nudie pictures of a 70's disco diva.

Frighteningly all has been revealed thanks to this.

Andrea True, before becoming the lead vocalist of this group, starred many X-rated films in the earlies 70's, like "Tycoon's Daughter", "Sexual Freedom in the Ozarks", "Road Service", and "Flip Chicks".

And apparently the song More, More, More which I once labelled as the 'acceptable face of disco' was only written and recorded because she got paid for making a porno in Jamaica one day before their government issued a ban on taking cash out of the country.

It was a massive hit (and was used in a car-ad here a few months ago, i'm sure they didn't know what it was all about at the time either). When her next singles and album failed she went back into the knob-film industry and disappeared until 2000.

I always thought there was something suspicious about that song. Now, it's still great, and we all love pron stars and everything but now that these revelations have erm, come out (whoops) let's examine the lyrics shall we?

But if you want to know
How I really feel
Get the cameras rollin'
Get the action goin'

Complete madness eh?. The frightening thing is that if you view this page she looks, err how shall I say this? - fugly (yes, that will do).

This is better than when I was a kid and discovered "Girls on Film" was a pron song...

Thursday, 14 November 2002

Hilarity is guaranteed at the Quote Database; a collection of the funniest things ever said on the Internet. For example...

(ohm) damn
(ohm) FUCK
(ohm) DAMN
(ohm) i was just in an AIM convo with a chick, and my grandmother's window pops up
(ohm) FUCK
(ohm) i go like this to her
(ohm) "i want to suck on your clit"
(ohm) FUCK

(Beeth) Girls are like internet domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
(honx) well, you can stil get one from a strange country

And the greatest of all?

(calin) we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator
(ecoli) ew.
(ecoli) wait, you "caught" him?
(ecoli) like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator store?
*** Quits: calin

Wednesday, 13 November 2002

Feelgood story of the day. Feelgood story of the week. Feelgood story of the decade...

Notorious sex-granny Madonna's film Swept Away has flopped so horrendously in the United States that it's not getting a cinema release in the UK, let alone here.

For those of you who haven't been following this unfolding tragedy with a sense of barely concealed glee it's a remake of a 1974 film, directed by her husband - mad Scotsman Guy Ritchie. Of course the original dealt with such weighty subjects as class prejudice, communism and rape; this however deals with putting Madonna on screen for as long as possible in an attempt to shove her down our throat (which makes a welcome change from the opposite for Mads i'm sure) and finally make us take her seriously as an actor.

Of course i'm just being nasty because I haven't seen it - but then again it seems nobody else has either.

You know you're in trouble when you get this kind of review on IMDB...

Let's face it, people, she's an astounding musical artist. There aren't enough positive words in all the world's languages to express how superior her last album, `Music,' was. Heck, I'm sure she's even a great mother too. But Madonna cannot act.

So, when a drooling fanboy who probably still drags the 'Sex' book out (which, coincidentally was the last time she did any good music) for a 'viewing' every couple of weeks can't handle you as an actor then you are less credible than the Spice Girls movie.

Speaking of Spice, I await the inevitable scandal involving Posh Spice and her idiot husband - We've wrecked Madonna and discovered Christina Aguilera's secret kiddy porn fetish now all we need is some scandal involving the Beckham family and Avril 'fricking' Lavigne and my life will be complete.

Monday, 11 November 2002

Fun News?

A man who has written two books on stupidity was arrested for allegedly trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl over the Internet

The gags about this guy just write themselves.

And here's proof that school is much better these days than when I was there... I had a great afternoon yesterday. After school, Carol, Phil and I sat in the library to do our econ but we didn't get much done. Then we decided to walk over to the middle school playground and swing.

Taken out of context? You bet it was...

Sunday, 10 November 2002

I've been amusing myself by reading this guide to cults. Which includes everybody from Scientologists to Al Qaeda and Amway. It's sad that there are so many suckers in the world that these groups (not to mention mainstream religion) are around - but it's all worth it just to see Amway listed in amongst them.

Did TISM describe it best?

Hacksaw hacksaw hacksaw
Scrape scrape scrape
Murder murder murder
Rape rape rape
Death death death death,
Death death death death,
Amway Amway Amway,
Amway Amway Amway.

Works for me.

Saturday, 9 November 2002

Awesome news item of the day, thanks to Portal of Evil News (is there anything I won't link to today?) ...

The Hollywood Reporter brings word that Pac-Man will finally be getting his own film, to be produced by Crystal Sky

This made me think about who the greatest video game characters of all time. None of this Lara-Croft rubbish, i'm talking about arcade action here baby. And this is where my practice of linking EVERYTHING is going to come in handy - because i'm sure a lot of people have no idea half these games existed. So, in no particular order...

1 - The Original Donkey Kong . Actually that SNES/N64 Donkey Kong is only supposed to be the newphew of the original. What a fraud.

2/3 - The Brothers from Double Dragon . Their names were Billy and Jimmy Lee trivia fans.

4 - The Gorilla from Congo Bongo . A poor man's Donkey Kong, but a hero nonetheless.

5 - The Ghost from 720 Degrees "SKATE OR DIE!", I was so shattered as a kid when I went out and rented the NES game "Skate or Die" thinking it was a conversion of 720. Turned out to be a great game anyway, but it was just another seed in my total unabating loyalty in Sega.

6 - Paperboy . Any game where you can lob newspapers at Break Dancers and ghosts can never be forgotten. I remember going to Expo 88 in Brisbane when I was seven-years-old and finding this on Free Play. Suffice to say I stayed there half the day and missed going on a bunch of shitty rides.

7. E-Honda from Street Fighter 2. Fat and Japanese, enough said? You had to love that scam you could pull off in Championship Edition where if somebody played as Balrog you could just do the Hundred Hand Slap and win perfect every time. I have happy memories of doing that to so many drug addicts in this riggy little arcade next to where my mother worked years ago.

8. Sonya from Mortal Kombat . The biggest fox in video gaming history, I note that when they took her out of MK2 the game went totally downhill.

9. The Knight-type-dude from Ghosts 'n Goblins. Heroic - Enough said.

10th, and probably my favourite of all must be the little guy out of Elevator Action . He runs, he jumps, he collects secret documents and drives away in a little car marked "Spy". And his name is Otto, which gives it a vaguely evil "Behind the Iron Curtain" feel.

Apologies to the guy from Rolling Thunder who walks around as if he has a foreign object lodged in his butt and of course to Pac Man himself.

What a long and pointless post.

Friday, 8 November 2002

So i've totally lost track of what I was going to say before but I just saw something on TV that inspired me into a whole new avenue of rantage..

I've said here before how much I hate Christina Aguilera, and the complete and utter glee I got from when her video was exposed as having all kinds of messages about kiddy porn written on the wall behind her in Thai, but these days I have somebody I would tend to say annoys me even more.

Can anyone explain to me what purpose that raccoon-woman Avril Lavigne serves for the world? Well, apart from giving 14-year-old boys somebody to have obsessive crushes on. I mean really, her songs are pretty awful as it is (and what the FUCK is up with calling a song "Sk8er Boi" - learn to spell you mad woman) but you've got to hate anyone who is trying to do the "I'm a punk" thing whilst simultaneously doing gut-wrenchingly awful pop music for mass-media corporations.

Now, multinational companies totally rule in my book - and you can't blame them for scamming as much money as possible out of the idiotic music buying public - but do we really need another overdone teen skank in the charts? Really. At least Britney/Christina etc.. aren't puporting to be "Riot Grrrls" or whatever the fuck they're called. All she has to do now is to start pushing some wacky religious barrow and she'll truly ascend to being the anti-christ.

Oh my god, she's wearing a tie - it's like Sid Vicious just climbed out of his grave and started singing again.


Thursday, 7 November 2002

I was watching coverage of the US mid-term elections today on Fox News - don't ask why, for some strange reason I actually care about the result in the 37th Congressional District of Iowa. There is this fucking terrifying woman on Fox called Greta Van Susteren who I just can't get enough of.

No picture I post here would do justice to the look on her face when she's talking on TV. I always feel like she's just about to reach through my screen, rip my esophagus out and beat me repeatedly with it until I die.

Standard Disclaimer: She's probably a very nice person (although she does claim to be a Scientologist which automatically makes you highly suspicious in my book) but my god she scares the living bejesus out of me. Yet strangely every time I watch Fox News and she's on (other than the rare times when that nutbag O'Reilly is ranting) I sit there watching like people do at a car crash. Is this the sign of a secret attraction to the devil woman of Fox News? Good god I hope not.

Comically enough, in finding a suitably evil picture of her on the net I came across this site which seems to bear some grudge against her because of the whole Scientology thing. It's great, you come on here just to rip the piss out of somebody for looking scary and you discover a whole sub-culture of reporter stalking super-freaks.

Wednesday, 6 November 2002

Eid Kabalu, spokesman for the separatist Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF), made the allegation as he accused the US of making false reports linking the MILF to the Al-Qaeda terrorist network and the South-east Asian militant group, Jemaah Islamiah.

Hands up anyone who can discuss a terrorist organisation called "MILF" seriously?
Melbourne Cup day kicks ass... I'm sure foreign people can't understand why we have a public holiday for a horse race but it's such a huge thing here we don't think twice about it.

I remember the last time I had a job (that's 1999 for anyone who's counting) when I had to work at Video Satan on Cup Day and some woman walked in at 3.31 totally unaware of what was going on and why no cars were on the streets. Then for the next three minutes she proceeded to laugh at me as the horse I backed got completely poleaxed 200m out from home and I bashed my head up and down on the desk in front of her and some kid.

Today I had a raft of bets all of which, as tradition dictates, will fail miserably.

Just to prove how sad our country is, there is already $10.8m dollars bet on the race and that doesn't count people who have bet online or with bookmakers.

What a great country we live in.

Saturday, 2 November 2002

Here's a heart warming story, the best part of which is the picture they chose to go with it

A league match in Madagascar has produced a result that has to be a new world record.

Newly-crowned Madagascan champions AS Adema thrashed their arch-rivals Stade Olympique I'Emyrne 149-0 in a top national league game.

But it was not their outstanding skill that led to the outlandish scoreline.

It was because Olympique deliberately scored one own goal after another in protest over a refereeing decision.

Radio Madagascar reported that Olympique began banging the ball into their own net after their coach Ratsimandresy Ratsarazaka lost his temper with the referee. "
Channel 9's latest attempt to market a "friday night funnyman" by showing pissy offcuts from Vince Sorrenti - possibly the world's worst comedian - at corporate events is just so embarassing it's funny. The best thing is he looks like that twat from Everybody Loves Raymond, but we've had this bastard on our tv for fifteen years. Imagine how you hate Ray Romano now, and multiply that by 15 years and you'll feel our pain.

The best thing is I heard from somebody who had the misfortune of seeing him at one of these corporate wanks that he did exactly the same routine that had been on TV three days earlier - including the really lame 'spontaneous' outbursts of laughter. Oh well, I suppose for the enjoyment I get out of hanging shit on him a few minutes a week is a small price to pay.

Blimey, You're All There

Here's one of the great news stories of our time

The Royal Navy was so gripped by a security panic over gay servicemen in the late 1960s, admirals believed at least half of the entire fleet had "sinned homosexually".

Documents released by the Public Record office reveal commanders buried a series of scandals including homosexual affairs on an aircraft carrier, transsexual prostitutes in the Far East and hundreds of men using a "male brothel" in Bermuda.

and this is the best bit of all......

"One sailor reportedly picked up a prostitute who he believed to be female. Realising he wasn't who she appeared to be, the sailor reportedly declared: "Blimey, you're all there!" Nevertheless, he apparently became infatuated"

Isn't it fun how a country where you're not considered to have completed your schooling if the teacher hasn't sodomised you would be so uptight about all of this... And besides, imagine the slogans they can use about promoting local business...

"Before the British Navy came to Bermuda I was homeless, now i'm raking in the cash just for taking it up the ass. Thanks Your Majesty!"

Works for me anyway