Sunday 1 September 2019

Football Manager: English Chaos

The process of editing in Football Manager is more interesting than playing the games, which is why over the many years of wasting time on this game I've probably done as much messing around with league structures than actually managing.

On that note I bring you the return of a concept that I first tried about 10 years ago but never documented, in which we flip the top English divisions and see what happens next. The Premier League teams go to League Two, the League Two teams go to the Premier League, and the Championship/League One swap positions. The real entertainment value of this comes a few seasons in when we discover what small teams have unexpectedly become massive, and what big sides are trapped in Non-League hell.

Also please note this experiment is being conducted on FM18 because I refused to buy FM19 due to them not adding anything of interest (please note: for FM20 please give us historical seasons and option to play as Director of Football only and let the AI manage the games and then we're talking again).

2017/2018
The divisions line up like this:

Premier League


Championship


League One


League Two



... and just below that star-studded collection of League Two sides is a set of Conference teams who are in massive trouble when they're promoted at the end of the season.

Results

Premier League
What a tremendously wholesome competition this was, with first and ninth only three points apart at the halfway mark. The battle came down to four, with Chesterfield missing a golden chance to jump ahead of Luton with four to play. The Hatters held on to take the title. All the relegated teams were competitive but will presumably now plummet down the divisions.

A real highlight was these previously penniless sides paying $40 million bonuses to their directors after one season in the top flight.


Championship


Nearly refused to continue playing when the MK filth beat the late Bury in the playoff final, but in the interests of science I'll soldier on.

League One



It's RIP to Burton, Charlton, Bradford and Wigan, who drop right into the snakepit of League 2, still featuring 18 of its original 22 sides.

League Two
United and Liverpool romped to the top two spots, while Arsenal leapt City and Chelsea by beating them on the last day of the season. The enormous upset was West Brom knocking Spurs over on penalties in the playoff final, leaving three massive sides still in the division for next season.


... and the lucky Conference sides to be promoted into this division for season two are Leyton Orient and Dagenham. May god have mercy on their souls.

FA Cup
Tottenham 4 d. Huddersfield 0

League Cup
Manchester United 2 d. Chelsea 1

League Trophy
The first season's teams must be hardcoded because all the 'new' EPL teams played in it as they would have under normal, boring circumstances.

Portsmouth 2 d. Rotherham 0

Europe
All your standard teams played in the European competitions one last time before the new generation take over. Manchester United lost in the semi final of the Champions League and Arsenal beat Everton in the Europa League final. Spurs qualified for the Season 2 Europa League by winning the FA Cup.

International scene
The English side is obviously still dominated by the big clubs. It'll take a few years to start see players from novelty countries in the international setup. England went out of the World Cup against Brazil in the Second Round.

2018/2019

Premier League
The new money teams learned how to play the EPL game quickly, paying $80k-$100k a week to players barely worth that in total value. I suppose the game just thinks "it's a Premier League team, better pay accordingly", instead of scaling it based on player reputation. Either way, a lot of very ordinary digital players just got very rich.

Amongst the dozens of free transfer signings from around Europe, especially from the Scotland Premier League and younger players from the old EPL teams, there were a few +$5 million sales:
  • Joel Campbell - Arsenal to Oxford ($12.75m)
  • Shane Duffy - Brighton to Rotherham ($11.75m)
  • Daryl Janmaat - Watford to Colchester ($10.75m)
  • Tom Ince - Huddesfield to Rotherham ($10.25m)
  • Nikola Vlasic - Everton to Carlisle ($8.75m)
  • Matthew Targett - Southampton to Coventry ($8.25m)
  • Barry Bannan - Sheffield Wednesday to Colchester ($7.25m)
  • Joe Worrall - Nottingham Forest to Exeter ($7m)
  • Danny Batth - Wolves to Carlisle ($6m)
  • Ollie Watkins - Brentford to Mansfield ($5.75m)
  • Duncan Watmore - Sunderland to Notts County ($5.25m)
and during the January window, where Chesterfield got about like they were owned by oil rich oligarchs.
  • Che Adams - Birmingham to Coventry ($20.5m - new record)
  • Lewis Cook - Bournemouth to Chesterfield ($16m)
  • Lewis Dunk - Brighton to Chesterfield ($15.75m)
  • Tom Cleverley - Watford to Carlisle ($14.75m)
  • Luciano Narsingh - Swansea to MK ($11.5m)
  • Charlie Taylor - Burnley to Chesterfield ($10.75m)
  • Cyrus Christie - Fulham to Rotherham ($5.5m)
  • Mario Pasalic - Chelsea to Rotherham ($5.25m)
  • Adama Traore - Middlesbrough to Stevenage ($5.25m)
Luton struggled to get going with their title defence, and at the turn of the year sat fifth, seven points behind leaders Rotherham. The Millers had a strong grip on the title with a five point lead over Carlisle entering the new year. Sadly they stuffed it up, then Carlisle did likewise and left me with my greatest nightmare. This is like when Skynet became self-aware and destroyed human civilisation:


Just like real life Mansfield Town fucked it up by losing to them on the last day. A curse on your club. The EPL dropped to third in European league rankings at the end of the year. With champions like this they deserve to be 125th.

Championship
To nobody's surprise promoted Leeds and Derby were easily the two standout sides in the division. Interest is in whether they'll automatically walk the EPL next season, or whether the improved financial status of the incumbents will slow them down. Leeds in particular were ransacked by Premier League clubs during the January transfer window.



League One
Surprise promotion winners West Brom fell back to earth, plunging into the mid-table and sacking the manager who'd done such a good job getting them up in the first place. With a new manager their fortunes improved, recovering to make the playoffs. On the other hand, Liverpool romped to the title and enter season three as the reddest of red hot favorites to regain Premiership status.



Preston North End are one to watch in the future after a sugar daddy takeover by a Thai investor left them with $77m to spend on players.

League Two
After a season of goodwill from top players the bailout is on. Kevin De Bruyne went from Man City to PSG for $84m, Bernardo Silva from Man City to Bayern for $60m and N'Golo Kante from Chelsea to Barca for $52m. The losses didn't hurt City, who romped to an easy title win at the second attempt.



Shock third place getters Bournemouth were lucky to beat Chelsea, having to play (and lose to) Manchester City on the last day but seeing their promotion rivals go down to second placed Spurs. Hilariously, Chelsea then got knocked out of the playoffs by Leicester at the first hurdle, leaving them down among the dead men for a third season.

The story of the year was Dagenham and Redbridge, who battled away from near certain relegation at New Years' Day and survived on goal difference, sending Burton Albion out of the league instead. Sunderland came straight back up as Conference champions, while Norwich had to do it the hard way via the playoffs. They come back for another go in a dramatically weakened league compared to the one that saw them go down two seasons earlier.

There was a slight difference in the sponsorship race, with Chelsea pocketing $185m and Leyton Orient getting $160k.

FA Cup
Manchester United 2 d. Arsenal 1

League Cup
Manchester United 3 d. Liverpool 1

League Trophy
Normal service resumed, with the old EPL teams playing against the new generation's Under 23s.

Southampton 3 d. Liverpool 1

Europe
Just as the English League went up to second in the UEFA Coefficients, Notts County, Carlisle and Chesterfield lose six of six in the group stages, while Luton scramble one draw. Good luck having four spots in the future. Only Arsenal - in as reigning Europa League champions - made it past the group stage, losing in the second knockout round. The Europa League offered more joy, with Man Utd making the quarter final.

International scene
For now the England squad is still occupied by big names, but a few lower club players are starting to appear in the junior teams.

2019/2020
As the top flight clubs enjoyed full coffers from years of TV money the big transfers really kicked off in earnest. Higher value international players started coming back to the EPL, and there was also a flood of juniors leaving ex-Premiership teams stuck deep in the league.
  • Jordan Ayew - Swansea to Carlisle ($16m)
  • Kieran Trippier - Tottenham to Derby ($14m)
  • Adam Smith - Bournemouth to Coventry ($13.75m)
  • Matt Phillips - West Brom to Carlisle ($12.5m)
  • Joe Wildsmith - Sheffield Wednesday to Coventry ($11m)
  • Dominic Calvert-Lewin - Everton to Chesterfield ($10.75m)
  • Kamil Grosicki - Hull to MK ($9.25m)
  • Josh Sims - Southampton to Derby ($9.25m)
  • Benik Afobe - Bournemouth to Luton ($9.25m)
  • Patrick Bamford - Middlesbrough to Chesterfield ($9.25m)
  • Dylan Batubinsika - Antwerp to Rotherham ($8.25m)
  • Moussa Sissoko - Tottenham to Rotherham ($7.5m)
  • Youssef Ait Bennasser - Monaco to Leeds ($7.5m)
  • Liam Moore - Reading to MK ($7.25m)
  • Sebastian Szymanski - Legia to Yeovil ($7m)
  • Mykola Matvienko - Brondby to Chesterfield ($6.75m)
  • Joshua King - Bournemouth to Derby ($6.75m)
  • Jurgen Locadia - Brighton to Chesterfield ($6.5m)
  • Alex Pritchard - Huddersfield to Chesterfield ($6.5m)
  • Jacob Murphy - Newcastle to Luton ($6.25m)
  • Ryan Fredericks - Lincoln to Derby ($6m)
  • Santi Comesana - Rayo to MK ($5.5m)
  • Tom Lees - Sheffield Wednesday to Notts County ($5.25m)
  • Ben Godfrey - Hull to Chesterfield ($5.25m)
  • Ramiro Funes Mori - Everton to Lincoln ($5m)
And +$10m deals in the January window - featuring Notts County spending a fortune then going within a couple of points of relegation.
  • Charly Musonda - Chelsea to Chesterfield ($41.5m - new record)
  • Reece Oxford - West Ham to Crewe ($25.5m)
  • Rekeem Harper - Stevenage to Chesterfield ($24.5m)
  • Dean Henderson - Wolves to Oxford ($23m)
  • Tammy Abraham - Chelsea to Notts County ($22m)
  • Ryan Bertrand - Southampton to Notts County (20.5m)
  • Anthony Knockaert - Brighton to Luton ($20m)
  • Tom Cairney - Fulham to Notts County ($18.5m)
  • Izzy Brown - Chelsea to Coventry ($17.5m)
  • Jamaal Lascelles - Newcastle to Yeovil ($17.25m)
  • Robbie Brady - Burnley to Notts County ($17m)
  • James Maddison - Norwich to Notts County ($16.75m)
  • Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg - Southampton to Stevenage ($16.25m)
  • Christian Kabasele - Watford to Exeter ($15.5m)
  • Jose Izquierdo - Brighton to Chesterfield ($15m)
  • Chris Wood - Burnley to Carlisle ($14.5m)
  • Sandro - Everton to Yeovil ($12.75m)
  • Danny Rose - Tottenham to Carlisle ($1.25m)
  • Jonas Vatne Brauti - Bury to Swindon ($11.25m)
Premier League


Promoted Leeds and Derby started the season as favourites in a wide-open division, and the top of the table was a close affair. At least in every aspect other than first place, where Leeds didn't overly impress but still did enough to finish comfortably clear at the top. In relegation, Lincoln went 7th, 12th, 19th across three seasons, just the sort of slide to death you expect from this setup.

... and congratulations to Luton, who moved into the new Ricky Hill Arena and celebrated by bouncing back from their post-title hangover and qualifying for Europe.

Championship



Manchester United didn't muck around in the race to get back to the top, spending $87m on 29-year-old Andriy Yarmolenko from Dortmund. They were duly promoted back to the top flight without many concerns but had to settle for second behind Arsenal. Liverpool were forced to go via the playoffs and got a huge scare against Bury in the semi before making it back to the top flight.

League One


For all their earlier troubles City dominated, not losing until game 41. At the other end, Newport County became the first side to do the straight slide from Premiership back to League 2. Meanwhile, a big FU for Leicester, who finished a mile ahead of Bournemouth then lost to them in the playoff final.

League Two


Chelsea finally escaped, but their diminished status from three seasons in the lower divisions saw them passed by Watford for the title. The 5th to 13th sides are the ones who'll be trying to work their way out of the division in the next couple of years.

Replacing the dearly departed Dagenham and Cheltenham are York and playoff winners Macclesfield.

FA Cup
Manchester United 3 d. Southampton 0

League Cup
Manchester United 1 d. Liverpool 0 for their fourth straight win in the competition.

League Trophy
Tottenham 2 d. Everton 2 (AET on penalties)

Europe
All the Premier League sides were rubbish in Europe again, with Manchester United providing the only glimmer of pride for England by winning the EURO Cup.

International scene
Ryan Bertrand of Notts County and Jack Butland of Yeovil were in the England squad by the end of the year but both were bought when already in contention rather than developed from the EPL. Holland put England out of the European Champions at the second stage, costing Gareth Southgate his job. He was replaced by Leeds manager Paul Heckingbottom.

2020/2021

Due to the increased spending in the Premiership the 'big transfer' mark is now $10m, and there was plenty of player movement above that level.
  • Mattia De Sciglio - Juventus to Manchester United ($92m - new record)
  • Mauro Icardi - Inter to Manchester United ($82m)
  • Roberto Gagliardini - Inter to Arsenal ($64m)
  • Emre Can - Liverpool to Arsenal ($64m)
  • Kyle Walker - Manchester City to Liverpool ($60m)
  • Christian Eriksen - Dortmund to Liverpool ($59m)
  • Trent Alexander-Arnold - Tottenham to MK ($57m)
  • Sime Vrsajlko - Shanghai SIPG to Manchester United ($55m)
  • Marcos Alonso - Tottenham to Oxford ($40.5m)
  • Michail Antonio - Yeovil to Luton ($39m)
  • Malcom - Bordeaux to Manchester United ($33.5m)
  • Emanule Mammana - Zenit to Arsenal ($33.5m)
  • Geronimo Ruli - Real Sociedad to Liverpool ($33m)
  • Alex Meret - Udinese to MK ($32.5m)
  • Lee Granger - Hibs to Stevenage ($30.5m)
  • Francisco Geraldes - Sporting to Liverpool ($29.5m)
  • Jack Wilshere - Arsenal to Leeds ($27.5m)
  • Kasey Palmer - Chelsea to Mansfield ($26.5m)
  • Richarlison - Watford to Yeovil ($23.5m)
  • Anass Zaroury - Zulte Waregem to Carlisle ($22.5m)
  • Kelechi Iheanacho - Leicester to Exeter ($20.5m)
  • Caju - SAN to Oxford ($20.5m)
  • Jonjo Shelvey - Newcastle to Leeds ($20.5m)
  • Jordan Pickford - Chelsea to Wycombe ($19m)
  • Calum Chambers - Arsenal to Luton ($18.75m)
  • Michael Keane - Everton to Luton ($18.5m)
  • Manolo Gabbiadini - Southampton to Derby ($18m)
  • Facundo Ferreya - Shakhtar to Notts County ($17.5m)
  • Ben Davies - Tottenham to Derby ($17.5m)
  • Wesley Hoedt - Southampton to Carlisle ($16m)
  • James Ward-Prowse - Southampton to Oxford ($16m)
  • Thomas Butink - Vitesse to Leeds ($15.75m)
  • Elias Cobbaut - Mechelen to Exeter ($15.75m)
  • Solly March - Mansfield to Luton ($12m + a $2.7m rated player)
  • Ramiro Funes Mori - Lincoln to Yeovil ($14.5m)
  • Marcin Buka - Yeovil to Crewe ($14.5m)
  • Demarai Gray - Leicester to Leeds ($14.25m)
  • Tom Davies - Everton to Luton ($13.25m)
  • Davy Propper - Brighton to MK ($13m)
  • James Tarkowski - Burnley to Derby ($12.75m)
  • Kevin Ruegg - Zurich to Carlisle ($12.75m)
  • Silvan Hefti - St Gallen to Chesterfield ($12.25m)
  • William - Wolfsburg to Chesterfield ($12.25m)
  • Jurgen Locadia - Rotherham to Chesterfield ($12m)
  • Nahitan Nandez - Boca to Luton ($12m)
  • Will Hughes - Watford to Wycome ($11.75m)
  • Felix Wieldwald - Leeds to Notts County ($11.75m)
  • Charlie Taylor - Luton to Chesterfield ($11.5m)
  • Callum McGregor - Celtic to Coventry ($11.5m)
  • Federico Dimarco - Sion to MK ($11.25m)
  • Adalberto Penaranda - Watford to Yeovil ($11.25m)
  • Jota - Birmingham to Exeter ($10.75m)
  • Matt O'Riley - Fulham to Swindon ($10.5m)
  • Jonas Svensson - AZ to MK ($10.5m)
  • Federico Roldan - Banfield to Carlisle ($10.5m)
  • Tamas Szanto - Rapid Wien to Oxford ($10.5m)
  • Henry Onyekuru - Everton to Chesterfield ($10m)
+ Harry Winks out from Coventry to new Championship side Manchester City for $31m, Anthony Knockaert from Luton to Atletico for $39.5m, and Naby Keita from Liverpool to Real Madrid for $140m.

In the January window, as the big money regens start to appear:
  • Ricard Pereira - Porto to Manchester United ($79m)
  • Erik Tol - AZ to Arsenal ($43.5.m)
  • Djibril Sidibe - Manchester United to Tottenham ($43.5m)
  • Marco van Ginkel - Chelsea to Wycombe ($29.5m)
  • Jordon Ibe - Bournemouth to Yeovil ($24.5m)
  • Juan Andres Diaz - Las Palmas to Chesterfield ($23.5m)
  • Kevin Wimmer - Stoke to Colchester ($21m)
  • Nathan Ake - Bournemouth to Colchester ($21m)
  • Diego Laxalt - Genoa to Rotherham ($20.5m)
  • Mason Holgate - Everton to Coventry ($19.5m)
  • Nicolas Aguirre - Chongquing to Carlisle ($19.25m)
  • Lewis Khoury - Blackburn to Stevenage ($18.75m)
  • Sebastian Perez - Chelsea to Rotherham ($18.75m)
  • Johan Berg Gudmundsson - Chelsea to Rotherham ($15.75m)
  • Rafa Soares - Rubin to Luton ($14m)
  • Lazar Markovic - Malaga to Carlisle ($13m)
  • Nathaniel Chalobah - Watford to MK ($12.75m)
  • Jose Luiz Gomez - Lanus to Oxford ($12m)
  • Ahmad Benali - Pescara to Yeovil ($12m)
  • Kevin Danso - Augsburg to Notts County ($11m)
  • Ji Dong-Wong - Augsburg to Carlisle ($11m)
  • Jon Flanagan - MK to Coventry ($10.5m)
Premier League

Even with the other clubs spending like madman, the question was around which of the top sides would break away and win the title. Manchester United were my favourites, given that their league campaign was interrupted by having to play midweek European matches all last season. With a clear run I expected them to finish ahead of Arsenal and Liverpool.

When Arsenal went down to Coventry and United was held to a draw at Notts County on the opening day I thought big things were on the agenda but it was a false dawn. The other sides were competitive and took the odd point off them, but on the whole the big hitters were too big. The biggest of all was United, continuing their reign as the most successful side of this simulation, winning about their 25th piece of silverware under Mourinho (remember him?).

Poor old Chesterfield were the surprise packet of the relegation stakes, going from 4th in the inaugural season to the Championship in the fifth despite spending enough on players to buy Greenland.

Championship

The obvious sides finished top of the division. Cambridge and Oldham became the first teams to recover from relegation and stay in contention rather than plummeting to their death.

League One


Early in the season the big story was Chelsea, who reached the point where they'd lost their biggest stars and had nobody to replace them. They were comfortably mid-table and had to rely on a late season surge to make the playoffs, which they won. This demonstrates the importance of getting out of L2 as soon as possible in this model, Manchester City were a year ahead and are finally thriving while Chelsea were nearly shotski. Otherwise, the undoubted highlight of the season came in January when 16th placed Sheffield Wednesday signed Diego Maradona as manager.

Crawley and Accrington became the latest clubs to complete the full slide from EPL to League Two.

League Two


Crystal Palace became the first side to achieve financial disarray, starting the season 12 points in deficit after going into administration. Like Newcastle, Brighton and the other sides who have never been able to break out of the bottom division they're slowly losing all their quality players and it's impossible to see them making the Premier League again now. In a couple of years they might be stuck in League Two - or worse - for good. Huddersfield are the only other club in a poor financial position to start the season. Palace recovered to make the playoffs but fell short in the final. We wish them the best with staying afloat in the future.

York and Macclesfield went straight back down again, but the gap between the bottom two and mid-table closed noticeably compared to other seasons. Leyton Orient return to the Football League, along with playoff winners Bromley.

FA Cup
Liverpool 1 d. Manchester United 0

League Cup
Manchester United 1 d. Liverpool 1 (AET on penalties) to win their fifth straight League Cup.

League Trophy
Leicester 1 d. Everton 1 (AET on penalties)

Europe
Years of disastrous Champions League performances cost the Premier League, as they dropped two spots in the coefficients, lost a direct qualification, and saw the third place team have to qualify. It coincided with the best season for English clubs in Europe since the big switch. All the Champions League sides won at least one game and both Manchester United and Derby made the second stage. Oxford got through to the quarter final of the Europa League.

International scene
The English team is a jumble of players from around the divisions now. The common thread is that they all played for a big club at the start. England finally won an international trophy, and on penalties no less, beating France in the Nations League final.

2021/2022

Top transfer deals:

  • Moise Kean - Juventus to Manchester United ($175m - new record)
  • Casemiro - Real Madrid to Manchester City ($82m)
  • Julian Brandt - Bayern to Liverpool ($78m)
  • Franck Kessie - Milan to Manchester United ($71m)
  • Jonny - Celta to Liverpool ($44.5m)
  • Jean Marcos - Corinthians to Manchester City ($43.5m)
  • Alex Pinto - Benfica to Arsenal ($40m)
  • Achraf - Monaco to Manchester City ($36m)
  • Youn Czekanowicz - Gent to Notts County ($31.5m)
  • Moussa Dembele - Celtic to Manchester City ($29.5m)
  • Mayke - CEC to Tottenham ($25m)
  • Dominic Calvert-Lewin - Chesterfield to Colchester ($23.5m)
  • Lewis Cook - Chesterfield to MK ($23.5m)
  • Maxime Reynold - Young Boys to Tottenham ($23.5m)
  • Kristoffer Ajer - Celtic to MK ($23m)
  • Fred - Shakhtar to MK ($22.5m)
  • Tommy Smith - Celtic to Leeds ($22m)
  • Ben Chilwell - Wycombe to Leeds ($21.5m)
  • Jamaal Lascelles - Yeovil to Oxford ($21.5m)
  • Lee Granger - Stevenage to Coventry ($20.5m)
  • Harry Wilson - Liverpool to Manchester City ($20.5m)
  • Reece Oxford - Crewe to Leeds ($19.5m)
  • Alison - SAN to Liverpool ($18.75m)
  • Jack Butland - Yeovil to Manchester City ($18.5m)
  • Robbie Brady - Notts County to Rotherham ($17.75m)
  • Junior Tavares - SPO to Tottenham ($16.75m)
  • Robert - VIT to Liverpool ($16.5m)
  • Izzy Brown - Coventry to Yeovil ($15.5m)
  • Elias Kachunga - Notts Coutny to Oxford ($14.75m)
  • Matias Zaracho - Racing Club to Arsenal ($14.5m)
  • Leigh Griffiths - Celtic to Oxford ($14.25m)
  • Emanuel Britez - Shandong to Rotherham ($14m)
  • Alfie Mawson - Stevenage to Rotherham ($13.5m)
  • Takahiro Sekine - Ingolstadt to Oxford ($13.25m)
  • Manuel Lanzini - West Ham to Exeter ($12.5m)
  • Martin Jones - Crewe to Mansfield ($12.25m)
  • Jonathan Leko - Chelsea to Mansfield ($12.25m)
  • Marcelo Torres - Boca to Luton ($12m)
  • Onana - Ajax to Oxford ($12m)
  • Daniel Amarty - Carlisle to Colchester ($11.5m)
  • Nicolas Tripichio - Velez to Rotherham ($11.5m)
  • Christian Atsu - Crewe to Wycombe ($11.25m)
  • Theo Hernandez - Real Madrid to Manchester City ($11m)
  • Ben Hazan - Maccabi Tel Aviv to Leeds ($10.75m)
  • Jon Flanagan - Coventry to Oxford ($10.5m)
  • Wu Zhou - Shandog to Derby ($10.25m)
  • Maxime Colin - Yeovil to Chelsea ($10.25m)
  • Florinel Coman - Rostov to Rotherham ($10m)
... and leaving the Premier League, Gabriel Jesus from Manchester City to Barcelona for $154m, Edersen from Manchester City to Real Madrid for $83m, Dean Henderson from Oxford to Chelsea for $22m and Michy Batshuayi from Tottenham to Juventus for $20m.

Major January transfers:

  • Sebastian Driussi - Zenit to Manchester City ($33.5m)
  • Jose Luis Artola - Athletic to Liverpool ($31.5m)
  • Gilles Krebs - Basel to Tottenham ($26m)
  • Hector - Guangzhou to Manchester City ($22.5m)
  • Sead Haksabanovic - West Ham to Bournemouth ($15m)
  • Silvan Hefti - Chesterfield to Coventry ($12.75m)
  • Rafina - Barcelona to Tottenham, ($11.75m)
  • Felipe Gedoz - Guangzhou to Carlisle ($10m)

[... and then I gave up. Still a good idea though, why not try it yourself?]

Friday 31 May 2019

TSP's Video Classix: Redux

In the days before YouTube made everything available on any device you liked anywhere on the face of the planet we went out of our way to download and highlight the world's most bonkers music videos. Years of lost posts mean that only Snooker Loopy, Tusk, Life at the Outpost, Safety Dance and Pour Some Sugar On Me survive.

My collection of screenshots for posts that no longer exist suggest that there was also coverage of 911 Is A Joke, A View To A Kill, Body Movin', Boys Light Up, Breaking The Law, Doin' The Do, Fairytale of New York, Goonies 'R Good Enough, Greg! The Stop Sign, Hit The North, Hot For Teacher, I Know What Boys Like, I Like To Watch, Just, Kick It, Let's Dance, Long Hot Summer, Love is a Battlefield, Make a Move On Me, Owner of a Lonely Heart, Pleasure and Pain, Private Eyes, Rise, Sabotage, Save Your Love, Sex Over The Phone, Sexx Laws, Someday, The Look of Love, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Touch It, Turbo Diesel and You're The Voice plus multi video retrospectives covering Falco and Madonna. What a rich tapestry. And more importantly what an indication of how much time I had on my hands 15 years ago.

Anyway, after 10 years on the sidelines I've been inspired to revive this segment after discovering a video so bonkers it's a wonder it took me until 2019 to see it.

Like most people of my vintage the only thing I knew about Ozzy Osbourne beyond his appearances as a shambling reality TV figure was that he once took a piss on the Alamo and chomped the head off a bat while on stage. Then about two months ago a chance encounter with a classic hard rock show on digital radio made me realise that his off chops 80s output speaks to me in a way I'd never expected. And so, here we are with 1986's The Ultimate Sin, a music video with more giffable reaction shots than anything I've ever seen in my life.

In a none-more-80s scenario the video is a parody of Dallas. The Young Ones did likewise two years previous, but even they didn't spin off into the same strange and mystical areas as Ozzy.



And here's your CEO, looking for all money like a 45 year old divorced housewife at a country and western bar.



Sadly he receives unfortunate news over the phone. I think from the remainder of the video that they're telling him his missus has carked it but who would actually know. Chemicals may have been involved.



Here he is looking even more like your Year 8 geography teacher Mrs. Rottencrotch.



For the rest of the video it appears that watching footage of his own performances is the only thing that brings poor old Ozzy any joy.



Christ only knows what's going on here but it's not the last we'll see of her.




Back at the office, where Ozzy is channelling the level of interest and personal fulfilment we all get from our work.



Actually I'm not sure he even knew there was a video being filmed.



Oh, here she is again. Appearing as a stern, ghostly apparition at the end of a boardroom table filled by people found in a casting call for 'corporate yes men'.



This makes Ozzy incredible happy. Which is why the rest of the video makes no earthly sense.



Kids, when your school careers counsellor asks where you want to work I expect you will answer OZZY OIL.



So he legs it out of the office, dives into a limo and drives off like he's trying to avoid Casper the Attractively Stern Ghost.



And settles in for another viewing of his own live performance with the face of a man who's just realised the wife has gone out and he can have a Cape Schank...



... possibly while thinking about this face.



Then, in the most rushed ending (but, it must be said, far more satisfying) cinematic ending since No Country For Old Men we skip to Ozzy poolside, where his further enjoyment of himself live is ruined by old mate turning up in the crowd. This time she hasn't got red devil eyes. Is there a director's cut we can consult to understand why?



This displeases the man so greatly that he takes the portable TV and like any good rock star lobs it into the pool.



The spook in red appears in the flesh at last, provoking Ozzy to stalk her like he's just snorted a line of ants...



... and lob her into a pool. Does water kill a ghost? Wouldn't she just pass through the water and come back to haunt him later?



And after a salute that even the ponciest military wanker would have to admire...



... a horse has a nice lie down (or dies, we can't be entirely sure) and that's the end of play. What's all that about? Christ only knows.

Saturday 19 January 2019

TennisMania 2019


Tennis could do with a rev up, so instead of nonsense like Fast Four let's improve it with a professional wrestling atmosphere.

The following pay per view extravaganza will be held on the Monday night immediately after the Australian Open finishes. In fact, why not just cancel that tournament now and play this instead.

Main Event

Loser leaves the Davis Cup

Lleyton Hewitt vs Bernard Tomic 


It's been threat, allegation and counter-threat from both sides of this red hot sporting feud. Now we settle it with a five set match to the death. No super tiebreakers, no injury time outs, no code violations. The loser is banned FOREVER from taking part in, or attending, Davis Cup matches.

Fresh from his challenge match earlier on the card, special guest umpire Nick Kyrgios will be in the chair for this one. Does he call it straight down the line, favour one of the competitors, or get bored and walk off?

Semi Main Events


The Woodies Collide

Mark Woodbridge vs Mark Woodforde


They did their finest work together, now we discover who the real leader of the team is, as the Grand Slam legends go into battle for the right to be the one true Woodie.

Name the Stadium Match

Margaret Court vs Rennae Stubbs


TennisMania Commissioner John Alexander has put the naming rights to Margaret Court Arena on the line. It's personal freedom vs the word of God, as Margaret turns to divine intervention to try and keep her name up in lights against persistent critic Rennae. Is Margaret game to shake hands if she loses, or is she afraid of 'catching The Gay'?

Preliminary Contests


Winner Takes All One Off Grand Slam Winner Challenge

Pat Cash vs Mark Edmonson


The 1976 Australian Open against Wimbledon 1987. The winner goes home with both titles.

Handicap Match

John Newcombe, Pat Rafer and Tony Roche vs Mark Phillipoussis and John Fitzgerald


The feuds and bitterness over the Davis Cup scene of the early 2000s were never sorted out. Until now.

Tag Team Doubles Extravaganza

"Fiery" Fred Stolle and Sandon Stolle vs Mark Kratzmann and Andrew Kratzmann


Families go to war. Who will become a dynasty?

Ripped Shirt Match

Andrew Ille vs Wayne Arthurs (w/ Peter Tramacchi)


The flamboyant Ille vs straightlaced, Glen Iris product Arthurs in a match where the first man who has to remove his shirt loses. The eminently sensible Arthurs has vowed that he will never been tearing his shirt off in public, but we'll see which man cracks first in the searing heat of a Melbourne summer. Arthurs will be accompanied by his manager and former doubles partner Peter Tramacchi.

Mixed Company Wooden Racquet Match

Rod Laver and Evonne Goolagong Cawley vs Ken Rosewall and Wendy Turnbull


Stars of the past collide in this nostalgic battle played in whites under genuine 1960s rules. Winner must do a graceful leap of the net to commiserate with his opponent.

20 Man Over The Top Legends Battle Royale

Carsten Ball, Darren Cahill, Scott Draper, Josh Eagle, Matthew Ebden, Roy Emerson, Richard Fromberg, Sam Groth, Chris Guccione, Paul Hanley, Alun Jones, Brydan Klein, Todd Larkham, Peter Luczak, Marinko Matosevic, Wally Masur, Jamie Morgan, Peter McNamara, Paul McNamee and Peter Tramacchi


No tennis, just manly grappling as these stars of the past occupy one half of the court and try to eliminate their opponents by tossing them over the net.

Six woman, losers must de-hyphenate match

Siobhan Drake-Brockman, Dianne Fromholz Ballestrat and Jo-Anne Faull vs Kerry-Anne Guse, Michelle Jaggard-Lai and Judy Tegart-Dalton


Which three competitors will be forced to drop part of their name? International guest Zina Garrison-Jackson and Brenda Schultz-McCarthy will be guest commentators.

Reinstatement Match

Nick Lindahl vs Simon Youl 


Lindahl is serving a seven year ban for trying to rig a match in Toowoomba, and as he's petitioned to be allowed back into the sport, Commissioner Alexander has announced that he'll be reinstated if he can beat 80s champion Youl. The Tasmanian and former World Number 80 has returned from retirement to stand up for the integrity of the game.

Silly Name Smackdown

Destanee Aiava vs Storm Sanders


Loser must adopt a realistic first name.

Women's Survivor Series team challenge

Liz Smylie (c), Alenka Hubacek , Rachel McQuillan and Annabel Ellwood vs Jelena Dokic (c), Evie Dominikovic, Trudi Musgrave and Anne Minter


Two teams of four battle for bragging rights in an elimination format

Respect Match

Thanassi Kokkinakis vs Stan Wawrinka


The Australian was alleged to have famously engaged in hanky panky with the Swiss star's girlfriend. We sort that controversy out, with the two to play until one admits that he respects his opponent. The girl in question will go home with... whoever she wants.

Hair vs Hair Celebrity Challenge Match

Nick Kyrgios vs Dawn Fraser (w/ Roger Rasheed and Andrew Johns)


The loser will be shaved BALD in the middle of the court. Will Dawn lose her grandmotherly locks, or is Nick's barnet in danger? Will Dawn's entourage of Nick haters tip the balance in her favour?

Battle of the retired TV hosts"Male Model from Mudgee" Ken Sutcliffe vs Bruce McAvaney


Bruce always had a higher profile with Australian fans due to his role in the home Slam, but the discerning tennis lover was hanging out for Ken's Channel 9 led coverage of the international slams. And if you wanted to know what was going in tennis between the slams then stiff shit buy a magazine.