Sunday, 29 April 2007

Shame #3: Taffy - I Love My Radio

(Originally posted at ShameFM)

Italo Disco is the ultimate in shameful genres. At least your generic Bee-Gee type disco sold records. It may have been shit but it kept hundreds of producers and record company executives knee deep in cocaine for the entire late 70's. Of course Italo had no actual connection to the genre it shares a name with, especially as it came a good four or five years later towards the mid 80's. The only thing the two share is what the kids call "Hi-NRG" sounds and a predilection for being completely shit.

However delve deeper into the wide world of Italo and you'll find some of the catchiest dance music of the 80's. In fact the genre as a whole rips traditional disco a new a-hole. Tonight we present one of the finest, and most underrated, tracks of it's era. This is Taffy and I Love My Radio

Presumably you will think two things upon viewing this clip.

a) Phwoar Taffy goes alright (may only occur if you're male and can ignore the fact that she's wearing the same hat that Krispy Kreme give out to impressionable children to wear)
b) What in god's name has any of the clip got to do with radio? If she didn't actually appear in it herself you'd swear that they'd just lined up stock footage of a day at the drag races. Couldn't they have at least taken her to some rinky dink community station or something? At least she could have driven a 80's model Triple M Black Thunder around the track. Except that she was British and therefore would have no comprehension of the power and majesty of the Black Thunders.

To be fair she does briefly appear in a studio, but then for some reason ends up back inside what appears to be an Ice Cream Van driving around the circuit. But don't let the clip related shenanigans detract from what is an otherwise fine song. Note for the instance the line "now the radio is my mind's new video" which, despite really meaning nothing, cleverly subverts the message in Video Killed The Radio Star. After Buggles declared radio dead Taffy came to us not to bury radio but to praise it. Incidentally this song was a hit in France first, and when it crossed over to Britain they had to edit it so it didn't mention "midnight" radio because barely any stations actually broadcast after midnight.

Let's face it you're never going hear Taffy rocking it in a club no matter how of a retro angle they're trying to get over, but it's certainly catchy. The single edit in the above video chugs along for four minutes and never outstays it's welcome, while the "extended" mix runs for about nine. We recommend that if after watching Taffy do her Penelope Pitstop impersonation you seek out more Italo classics. See for instance Eddy Huntington and Mike "Agent Of Liberty" Mareen. Yes, it's shame music and you won't tell anyone you listened to it but you'll be rewarded if you do.

Shame Rating: - Quite shameful.

Missing The Point

The great “ZOMG! WATCH OUT FOR TEH EMOS” campaign continues - with variable results.

However, older members of emo - short for “emotional” - who spoke anonymously to The Sun-Herald said 12- and 13-year-olds were drinking heavily or using marijuana and ecstasy.

Members? Do I get voting rights at the annual Emo board elections if I join up? And do The Emo have more members than North Melbourne?

Friday, 27 April 2007

Reasons to hate Craig McLachlan

1. Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2 - Mona
2. The way he totally dominated Check 1-2 and never let them shine
3. The classic stand-up routine on the Sydney Footy Show where he talked about shagging dogs and almost got booed out of the building.
4. This pose

Granted that nobody is going to come out of an awkwardly staged shot like this with any dignity, much less when they’re standing behind a woman in a floral shirt that your grandmother wouldn’t have been seen dead in even in the 80’s but Craig is such an accomplished fuckup that he manages to make himself look like even more of a dick. Harold and Madge have got it right, and the other bird (Kylie?!?) is coming out of it respectably but he’s just got no idea. Complete bollocks.

Yet he’s famous and we’re not. Enough said.

Annoy TSP Week Continues

Actually this sign has been shitting me for years. Corner of Punt Road and Bridge Road, Richmond.


As you can see from the picture they’ve repainted their sign several times already but somehow have neglected to change the fact that their address is spelt wrong. Those of you outside of Melbourne (and there must be one or two) will be excited to know that it should read “Gertrude Street”, not “Getrude” - unless they’re trying to make some sort of obscure political statement - which I seriously doubt because they’re a paint shop with a logo flogged from Breakfast At Tiffany’s and not a serious organisation. Either that or they’re owned by Rodney Rude.

Should I ring them up and inform them of this? Do you think anyone has ever pointed this out before? It still doesn’t top the place on Smith Street, Collingwood which patriotically exclaims that it sells “Australien” flags.

P.S - Surely there’s a spelling error in this post somewhere that will allow you to make an “OMG HOW CAN U BAG THEM WHEN U CAN’T SPELL ZOMG LOL ROFL BBQ!” comment. But the moment you do I’ll correct the error and delete your comment so nobody knows - that’s what democracy is all about.

Thursday, 26 April 2007

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse

0-4 (0-5 in all but name) and Even Rebel Sport don't know we exist anymore.

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Somebody hold me.

(and NO I was not actually trying to buy a "Rib Knit Surf Beanie" when I found that. In fact I wasn't buying anything - support you club and buy direct from them you dogs!)

P.S - Garland and Petterd to debut? Why the fark not. Can't see why they dropped Bizzell and Ward though.

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

What’s wrong with Australia - Part #72


a) People who make, buy and wear garish commemorative t-shirts for their holidays.
b) People who wear said t-shirts to events intended to mark death on a massive scale - i.e the Gallipoli dawn service.
c) The fucking “Fanatics” full stop.

Tip rats one and all.

Picture from the Herald Sun who, being the chief bogan rag, you would assume endorse these jackoffs.

The Death of Popular Music (Pt. 2)

Once again I’m not for music being blamed for anyone doing anything but if there’s some way we can blame Fall Out Boy for something and have them shot out of a cannon then I’m in 100%. Feel free to write in to Today Tonight and tell them that this track makes you want to shoot a flamethrower at nuns or something.

Just get the fuck out. When you can’t even get your pissy text message speak right (Mmrs? Mmrs? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO COME OUT AS MEMORIES?) you may as well admit you’re artistically a fraud, take your millions of ill-gotten dollars and adjourn to the island of slops never to be seen again.

I suggest they be dropped in deepest Ukraine for a special one off Fall Out at the Fall Out concert live from the fourth reactor of the Chernobyl power plant.

Monday, 23 April 2007


I’ve been accused of being heartless more than once on here but how can a story like this do anything but break your heart? I’ve always advocated the position that if you’ve thought it out and see no other way then you have every right to take your own life - but what do you know when you’re 16? It’s such a sad situation that it’s almost beyond explanation but this isn’t an isolated incident - the only reason we’re reading about in the papers is because the girls were declared missing in the first place. Hundreds of teenagers take their own lives around the country every year and but for a handful of them you’d never know. It’s all very well to waffle on about the road toll but there doesn’t seem to be much publicity about this other than the papers putting some farcical “Call Lifeline” message at the bottom of any suicide related story they run.

This is not completely uneducated commentary. I was sorely tempted to do myself in every day from 15 to my early 20’s. Not in a teenage cry for help way either. The only thing was I could never bring myself to do it - it all seemed too gruesome and the idea of being found like that did nothing for me, not to mention the people you leave behind. If you have to do it then do it but you should at least consider the prospect that the grief you’re suffering in life will be passed on to your loved ones many times over once you’re gone. But for a few momentary losses of plot in the last few years I think I’ve beaten it now but sadly there are at least two girls who will never know whether or not things were going to get better.

Finally it’s wonderful to see societies bandwagon jumpers climbing on board the fact that the two girls were something resembling emo and using it to run some bullshit line about dangerous subcultures and cults. The Age, at least, gives this line of thinking no respect whatsoever.

While mystery surrounds the apparent suicide pact of Melbourne teenagers Stephanie Gestier and Jodie Gater, attempts to blame the ‘emo’ subculture - based on overtly emotional and angst-ridden rock and its punk-gothic fashion - appear baseless.

You can see households all over the nation where people who have absolutely no idea are sitting around going “we must stop this emo!” “these emo people are killing our kids!” In fact I’ll bet you any money that as we speak the producers of both Today Tonight and A Current Affair are sitting around trying to work out some way to paint kids on the steps of Flinders Street Station as a threat to national security in a story that “no parent can afford to miss”. Dogs.

Having debunked the “Zomg it’s emo!” myth it’s a shame then that The Age can’t show a bit more respect and insist on having a prominent link to one of the girl’s MySpace pages. Any danger of letting the poor girl rest without giving strangers the opportunity to perform the cyber equivalent of rummaging through her possessions after her death? Reprinting the tributes from her friends is some of the tackiest ‘journalism’ I’ve seen. The link is right there in the article I’m reading but damned if I’m going to click it and join in the grim rubbernecking. The person responsible for posting that link and anyone who clicks of it should be ashamed of themselves.

Wonderful world isn’t it?

UPDATE - The sick fucks who are searching for pictures and info about these girls on google are worse than anyone. Take a good hard look at yourself you fucks.

Sunday, 22 April 2007

Shame #2 - Juice Newton - Queen Of Hearts

(Originally posted at ShameFM

First there was disco shame - now let us introduce you to pop/country shame stylings of world renowned two hit wonder Juice Newton. Leaving aside the searching power ballad "Angel Of The Morning" for now let's take a look at her other momentary flash of pop superstardom - Queen Of Hearts.

There are so many reasons to be ashamed of liking this song. The fact that it is as 80's as anything ever released is chief amongst them - that it is barely disguised country is another. But when has barely disguised 80's country/pop ever been a bad thing? To be entirely frank I like Islands In The Stream so this is an absolute doddle for me.

Another point against Juice is that it has one of the shonkier clips in a long standing tradition of bad 80's videos. The highlight of this is Juice being put in jail just for making a man fall off a swing. This IS as ridiculous as it sounds.

The song itself, though, rattles on charmingly and always makes me nod along. In an ideal world I'd also sing along but that's never going to happen unless I'm really, really drunk. What really takes it to another level in my book is the clever double layered chorus where just when you think they're going to verse up again it goes into the "laying out another lie" bit. Most importantly her voice suits the track perfectly - especially when she sings "fooooooool" - it's just nice and there's not enough niceness in music these days. The whole track might be as cheesy as f**k but there's a certain indisputable feelgood factor to it. In an era where everything's about bitches, hos and shaking that ass what's wrong with a 'nice' song?

With it's appearance as one of the songs on the K-Rose radio station in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Queen Of Hearts has enjoyed somewhat of a revival amongst younger people that hadn't heard it before. Despite this, and the related images of driving over people in trucks and shooting them with machineguns while listening to it, you would not drive down the street with your windows down and 100% Juice blasting over the stereo. Therefore it is a natural inclusion in the Shame FM files. But just how shameful?

Shame rating: - quite shameful

Disclaimer: This Juice Newton not to be confused with Leigh "Juice" Newton who played 13 games and kicked 6 goals for Melbourne in 1997. We do, however, believe this to be the first and so far last example of 80's country pop forming the basis of a sporting nickname.

Dia De Los Muertos

What are you supposed to say? With half the squad already suffering from the black death we show up to find out that Johnstone and Moloney are out as well. So obviously we knew we were going to lose before the game even started - the question was by how much. In the balance of things I'm actually not too depressed about the result given that the boys ran and tackled their hearts out today. They were outgunned and outmanned (especially after Whelan/Bell/Jones necked themselves) but at times they fought like their lives depended on it.

First I'd like to address the attendance. Every one of our fans who stayed home and watched the game on TV because they knew we were going to lose should be ashamed of themselves. Of the (very generous) 16,000 crowd we were almost outnumbered by Fremantle fans. This is the biggest embarassment yet - when we start winning again one day I'm sure all the rats will pour back onto the sinking ship in huge numbers. Was also good to see the MCC section almost deserted - you have to prise money out of those bastards with a crowbar anyway and then the moment we start losing they piss off and pretend we don't exist. Fuck them - come the day of the football revolution I hope they're the first people lined up against a wall and shot. I'm aware that being an MFC fan who is against elitism is like being a communist who owns a multi-national corporation but somebody has to be the left-wing faction of our fanbase and I'm putting my hand up to be it. Towards the end of the season look out for the specially commissioned "BURN THE MCC MEMBERS DOWN" banner to get a run high in the Southern Stand.

As I said I'm proud of the way the team carried themselves today in a complete lamb-to-the-slaughter situation. I doubt there has ever been a more obvious winner in a match between two 0-3 teams, and when the question of who would play on the red hot Pavlich was left to either Nathan Carroll (who is having an absolute Nicholson of a season) or Paul Johnson (who is barely a ruckman/forward at the best of times) you started to wonder whether Pav could extend the record for the Dockers goals in a game. And guess who that was set against?

Speaking of Nicho he was spotted today sitting in the injuries enclosure with TJ, Moloney, Rivers and for some reason Ben Holland (too shit for Sandy?). I know Carroll is a better disposer of the ball but some of his cack handed attempts at spoiling today almost made you wish for the days of Big Jack. In fact let's go even further back - I wonder what Seecamp and Ingerson are doing these days?

We were second best - nothing more, nothing less BUT there were signs. Adem Yze got a million touches - only half of them were any good or made anything but he was a million times harder at it and more interested than he has been for many games. On top of it he kicked what could very well be the goal of the year (were there not a massive conspiracy against us in competitions such as this) with an indescribable shot from Row ZZ of the bottom deck of the Ponsford Stand. Davey also improved significantly from the first three weeks. Pickett added toughness and the chase/tackle across the whole squad was heartening. The least they can do is go out there and fight their hearts out even if we're going to get massacred.

Bate was good in getting it but he's from the Brad Miller school of delivery and has absolutely no idea what to do once he does. I will say that it heartened me to see his reaction when he kicked that goal in the third quarter. I love to see a player lose the plot in celebration after he's booted one - this is the kind of guy I'm willing to persist with even if he is frustrating at (most) times. Obviously he cares which is exactly what I want to see in my players. Lynden Dunn was great on the ground up front and provided a much needed target which, though not spectacuarly successful, allowed Brad Green to roam further up field and play a good game.

The good news for Freo fans was that during the third quarter even though young Jeffrey is suspended (possibly for life - who knows when he's coming back) we were still dealt our traditional beating by the Farmer family when the umpire of the same name felt the need to make some of the worst decisions since that Brad Green free-kick last week.

Thanks also to Chris Tarrant. The most overrated and overpayed player in the competition was nice enough to do his bit to keep us in it with some stereotypically rotten kicking. In fact after murdering Daniel Bell (and then kicking a soft goal while Bell was being helped off field) he was completely shit. But then again anyone who has watched pretty much any game he ever played other than Queens Birthday '03 would have seen this coming. There aren't many players who would cause me to protest if we signed them - I'd rather have Luke Williams back in the forward line than pay $2.50 for this clown. Whatever Freo are paying him it's ten times too much.

Then to top it all off Whelan, Jones and Brown have all necked themselves as well and will miss next week. Godfrey broke his nose and Bell was knocked goofy but both will play next week. Did you ever thought you'd see the moment when we were so crippled by injury that you'd actually be happy that Godfrey was available? It's a milestone. If only they'd retained the Philth he'd probably be in the leadership group by now - but hey what does two months in a row of BOG's in the seconds get you at this club anyway? You've just got to have compromising photos of the coach and a horse as certain players seem to and you'll make a career of it.

Then there's that epic sook Headland. I don't know why you'd boo him - it's not like he's done anything to us - but I'm not entirely sure why he should be treated with any reverence either just because he was (allegedly) wronged last week. Fair enough he shouldn't have played today, and appears to fit the perfect stereotype of brainless footballers, but what's he supposed to do about the tribunal being gutless swine? Of course there's the wider issue of why people spaz out when others say blatantly untrue things about their families but Des wouldn't be the first person to (allegedly) fall headfirst for the oldest un-nerving technique in the book. If you really have to belt somebody for saying something about your kid, mum, sister whoever then good for you but don't try and use it as an excuse to get off. Imagine beating somebody down in a pub, making a threat to kill and then going into court and telling the judge that he said he'd done X, Y, Z to your kid. You'd be convicted and fined before you even finished talking, but in the twilight world of the AFL somehow it makes everything worthwhile. Farcical.

Crowd Watch
What farking crowd?

Byron Watch
I love that guy.

Coaches Box Watch
What's the poor bastard supposed to do? Even the staunchest critics - in which I often rank - have to admit that there's nothing that can be done when the entire squad are falling apart in unison. I feel like I should go up and hug the guy - imagine if you work in, let's say I.T, and your job was rapidly going down the tubes. You've got a few months to save your arse and suddenly the mother of all viruses rips your computer network to shreds and leaves you trying to run your business on an Atari ST. You'd probably drink a bottle of scotch and jump off the Westgate - this guy has to front up to the media and 'supporters' (though if you weren't there today and don't have a good reason then feel free to shut the fuck up) and explain himself. It's not enough to get him another year at the helm but christ you've got to feel for him don't you? The question is now does he throw himself on the live grenade and play kids in the next few weeks or try to save his own skin with the allegedly tried and true likes of Holland/Ferguson. Should be interesting and/or depressing to find out.


5 - Yze (Wins by default really. A lot of his touches were cheap and/or botched but his endeavour was a million times increased on anything we've seen recently. And that goal? PWAH! Better than Davey from the same spot last year)
4 - Green (showed great leadership despite dealing with a generally headless unit)
3 - Miller (still has no idea what he's doing but goes at it hard, and if he can bob up for 2 goals a week he'll cover his position)
2 - Dunn (ran hard, showed enthusiasm, threw it about a bit. A vital cog in the side)
1 - Pickett (fired us up in the first half. Showed how much his gutsy approach has been missed in the opening three weeks of the season. Not fit enough to run out a great 4 quarters but his mere presence is enough to inspire me at least)

Apologies to Bruce, McDonald and Davey who were serviceable. All three remain CRUCIAL to any chance we have of avoiding a complete apocalypse this season.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

11 - McDonald
11 - Bruce
8 - Green
6 - Miller
5 - Neitz
5 - Yze
4 - Jones
2 - Moloney
2 - Dunn
1 - Pickett
1 - Bate
1 - Jones

Next week: Sydney at the SCG. Surely you jest?

Next season: Bollocks to Chris Judd is there some way we can prise Pav away from Perth? Never say no to the best player in the competition but has the last two weeks not proved that we are going to need somebody to kick goals once Neitz is gone? He's a freak.

P.S - Know what's sad? I've just written 1500 words on this game and I'll wake up tomorrow and remember a whole bunch of shit that I didn't put in. Expect updates.

Le Ballot Un Slops

(From TSP’s major sponsor Wikipedia)

Dare I say the French have gotten it right when it comes to injecting much needed interest into their elections. Instead of persisting with the facade that anyone cares about who’s in parliament they just cut out the middle man and let you vote straight for who you want as President and damn the consequences AND once it’s been done once you get to go back and vote a second time to split the top two candidates.

Can you imagine the uproar if people had to do that here? It’s bad enough trying to get crunts to a polling booth in the first place without making them do it twice. Might help if we had a wild range of parties to vote for like they do. Click on the picture above and you’ll see a range of candidates right across the board from the far-left to the ultra-right with pretty much everything in between. God help us all they even have a legitimate centrist party.

Also, as you’ll see if you click on the top picture, they don’t stand for the grim spectacle of violently forcing how-to-vote cards at grandmothers on polling booths. Granted you hardly need to be told how to vote when you’re only selecting one candidate but wouldn’t it make it easier for everyone if they just showed the campaign posters at each polling booth and banned people from handing material out? I’m sure there hasn’t been more than a handful of people in the last 106 years of Australian electoral history who have shown up intending to vote for one person and then changed their mind based on having a piece of paper shoved down their throat by some party stooge. Waste of time, waste of paper. Simple solution - display a board like this outside each polling booth and then stick 1 copy of each how-to-vote in each polling booth so people can make their own decision there.

In the list of posters you’ll also see that somebody has started at #7 and gone on a path of destruction down the rest of the line. In a diplomatic move they’ve trashed both Le Pen (hard right) and Arlette (hard-left) posters. And who told #0 that it would be a good idea to have so much text on his/her poster?

I’m such a freak for elections. It’s very shameful. Who will win? Fucked if I know - I’m just in it for the posters and stats. In my eyes there’s only one Frenchman worth voting for...

and here he is...

Saturday, 21 April 2007

Worse Than Heroin

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Those Collingwood bastards did us by a point
The day mother died.
When they told dad he shook his head and said,
"Makes you wanna cry."
Winmar, you're a football genius, and, oh,
Let me tell you son,
Remember my old man 'cos he wasn't
Referring to mum."
- Father and Son by TISM

According to the fucked in the head ever helpful AFL website it's just 37.5 hours until Melbourne plays Fremantle. And I've officially never been less enthused by a game in my life. So why will I be there anyway? Because I'm ill - so seriously ill.

Let's get into classical theatre instead. Then we can write abusive things about the Bell Shakespeare Company on the internet and sit in the audience of amateur theatre and heckle poor casting choices. "YOU'RE NOT A JET'S ARSEHOLE YOU CRUNT - GET OFF" @ the Ringwood SC Year 8 production of West Side Story etc..

Actually I think, shamefully (Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket), that I secretly love it. When you can rationalise your whole week being ruined by a directionless forward line and talentless backline just days after god knows how many people were either shot or blown up all around the world then you're probably onto something.

God forbid Melbourne ever win a flag I'd like to request that the elusive extinction level event comet give me a few days of glory and then blow us all to buggery. This turn of events may not sit well with the rest of you but at this point I'd like to remind you that I'm an only child and care not for others.

Until then raise a glass to slops and ask yourself just why so many allegedly normal people lose it at the sight of 44 idiots chasing a red ball around in front of 30,000 morons.

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Shame #1 - Sylvester - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)

Originally posted at Shame FM

There are two things that an allegedly heterosexual mid 20's male should not do.

a) Dance under any circumstances
b) Rock out to any song widely considered to be a crucial gay anthem

Point a) I concur with in the strongest possible manner. Unless I'm drunk off my ass and trying to score you will never me anywhere near a dancefloor. Point b) on the other hand is somewhat more troublesome. What exactly defines a "gay anthem", and just because it somehow falls into this

The only particuarly troublesome aspect of this song for me is how Sylvester himself looks like Joan Armatrading but has a voice like he's inhaled several hundred quarts of helium. Watch on and see - and if it'll really get to you to click play there are women in short shorts humping each other too!

Helium Armatrading and the fact that it was used in an advertisement for Fox8 aside there's no doubting the dancefloor shaking quality of this track. Even the fact that he actually appears in drag at 1.37 shouldn't put any other than the most knuckle dragging of homophobe off from at least tapping a foot to the thumping disco beat that is backing up Sylvester's chipmunk-esque vocals. Besides his hat is quite nice and his technique with the hand fan is more than admirable.

If you start to wane in enthusiasm as the video goes on don't worry because they replay the female ass thrusting at 2.20 - hang in for a second serving of that. Suffice to say you probably wouldn't storm down the main street of Frankston (if it has one) with this playing at eleven on your car stereo but unless somebody actually told you it was a 'gay anthem' would you even know? Seems to me that tag is only applied due to the fact that the man responsible for it was out and proud. To me it represents the acceptable face of disco (and Shame FM is all about showing you the acceptable side of things you thought wrong) and you'll be hearing a lot more from this genre as the Shame experience rolls on. We say fire up your Sylvester albums and dust off the Divine 12" (!?) and be out and proud about your love for dodgy disco.

Shame Rating: - somewhat shameful.

Religion Retro

Tonight on Foxtel’s ACC religious channel,

.wavFile is a fresh, fast-paced entertainment show highlighting the “new sound” coming from Canada.

Was .mp3file too contentious/hard to understand? When has the ‘new sound’ ever been represented by technology ten years past it’s use-by-date. And who’s listening to their music in .wav files these days anyway? You’d have half of one song and it would take up your entire hard-drive. Maybe I should be on the nerd channel?

Incidentally is there any reason the Foxtel online TV guide doesn’t admit the Christian channel exists? As you might have guessed I’m not exactly down with the wide world of religion but even I think that’s a bit extreme. If the channel is there and can be watched by any subscriber why would you refuse to admit it’s existence online? Bizarre people.

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Delusional Thinking?

Now I don’t want to get into a whole religion thing here because I know it’s a touchy subject but the ideas expressed in this article interest me,

By all accounts, the prayers started even before the gunshots stopped at Virginia Tech university and the pleas to God from grief-stricken survivors of the massacre have continued since.

“God cares about Virginia Tech,” said Megan Martin, 24, joining about a dozen fellow students in a travelling prayer vigil that rambled across the sprawling campus a day after the worst US shooting spree in modern history.

Carrying placards reading: “Jesus loves you,” “God knows and He cares,” and “Can we pray with you?” the small knot of students worked their way through the university grounds in Blacksburg, a Bible Belt town in the mountains of southwest Virginia.

Clearly god cares a great deal about Virginia Tech - that’s why some nutbag rocked up and shot 30 odd people. He must have been busy raining tsunami death down on some poor bastards in South-East Asia at the time and not have noticed a guy wandering around with “Ismail Ax” plastered down his arm and murdering innocent people with a pair of handguns. Could have at least written TSP and given us the free publicity.

What about the “pleas to god” from the people who were hiding under desks waiting to be massacred? Nobody was listening to them, so what makes you think anyone’s taking notice after the fact? If the religion angle works for you then you have my best wishes and I hope for your sake that it all turns out to be true, but don’t sell me horseshit like this and try and spin a tragedy into some sort of sick and twisted positive.

Update - I’d probably be angry if I’d written complete bollox like this as well.

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

What Is Shame FM?

(Originally posted at Shame FM)

Every song, album cover, video or artist who we secretly admit our love for will be ranked on a 5 scale. Where the most shameful confession scores and the most mainstream and least embarassing selections score just

We are aware that it is not socially acceptable to be in favor of some songs but we're ready to stand up and say proudly that we love them no matter what anyone else thinks. Power ballads, wrist slashing emo, country comedy classics, novelty records, obscure Swedish hits and drunken instrumentals - they're all here. Get 'em while they're shameful.

Sunday, 15 April 2007

My Brain Hurts

Today Gumby Theatre came live to you from the MCG.

This is actually a clever satire on our gameplan. If the Gumby is Daniher, the flowers are the players and the vase is the field that's pretty much what they tried on against Geelong. Take 22 players and just stuff them awkwardly on and hope for the best. And given that I fully expected us to lose by triple figures for the first time in a decade we probably did get 'the best'. Having said that I think it should be blatantly obvious to anyone that the Cats pulled the pin fifteen minutes in the third quarter and cruised home on the lead that they'd already built up - despite showing 25% interest and rarely slipping out of first gear they still had about five set shots in the last quarter that they should have kicked and buried us by even more. We thank them for their charitable donations.

Now like I said I knew we were going to lose. There didn't seem to be any doubt about it. Even when Nathan Ablett necked himself in the warmup it only offered us the highlight of having one less tall forward to torment our rank backline. At one point it appeared that the only person in our defensive 50 with a functioning brain was Matthew Whelan. The first two goals we conceded were Ben Holland specials that had to be seen to be believed, Ferguson offered nothing but service as a witches hat and Nathan Carroll spent the first half being bent over and spanked by a 12-year-old playing his second game. Imagine if they still had Kent "I only play against Melbourne" Kingsley? He would have kicked ten. In fact at one point I thought Hawkins was going to bag double figures. The fact that he didn't owed more to the Cats not actually trying for most of the second half rather than any great tactical genius on our behalf.

Surely you can see that something is wrong with the state of our club when the forward line suddenly features a piece of play where S. Godfrey hoofs the ball over to B. Holland. What are these two doing anywhere near the forward 50 and/or an AFL field? It can be said that they never stop trying but picking people on effort alone is like lining up with the Chippendales on Brendan Fevola just because they look good - it's not going to get you anywhere.

I'm aware that losing the two best goalkickers you've had for five years is going to stick the knife in a bit but surely we have to have somebody else in reserve to go down there when the unthinkable happens. Miller has shown more in the past two weeks than he has in the past two seasons but he has neither the skills nor the smarts to deliver us any meaningful success. Brad Green did well to fill in up front but where was the support? Davey never stopped harassing and chasing but on a possession basis he can't get near the thing. We used to be able to rely on our midfield, and even the defence, to chip in with goals as well but it just doesn't happen anymore. Remember Bruce kicking 7 against Carlton and 6 against North a few years back? What chance is there of seeing that now even if he is consistently our best player (albeit by default in an awful side).

Where to from here? Certainly not a recovery job like we saw last year. Put the white screen up on this year kids, we'll be lucky to win five games at this rate. As much as I like Daniher he may as well start scouring the job pages now because short of plunging off Niagra Falls in a barrel there is no way he could ever pull off a greater magical feat than conjuring up any sort of performance that could save his job. Regardless of injuries or suspensions (which surely must be on the way) his time is up. I don't think anyone wishes him badly, and there's hardly likely to be wild Danny Frawley-esque scenes anytime soon, but it's time to admit that we need a fresh approach. Personally, as I've always said, I'd like to see somebody who is a complete Malthouse-esque psychopath in charge - somebody who is not afraid to bollock the players or the league and has the testicles to debut three rookies in one freaking game.

Crowd watch
What crowd? If there were more than 10k of our fans in the alleged 35,000 I'll be shocked and appalled. The only highlight came from the feral woman sitting at the other end of the same row as me who spent four quarters ripping out high pitched wails and abuse at the umpires. Granted that as we did get three of the worst freekicks in VFL/AFL history she had a point but her delivery represented unbridled passion at it's finest. Stupid old tart.


You are hereby bound by reading these votes not to abuse me for anything below 4 because somebody has to fill them. As you would be aware being the 4th best of 22 in a performance like that doesn't count for much but somebody's got to be it.

5 - Bruce
4 - Green
3 - McDonald
2 - Moloney (Still prone to cockups)
1 - Yze (Split this one between any of the rest really - at least he showed more concern for the game than he has any other time recently)

I suppose if you're going to be charitable you could have fitted in any of Ward, Davey (at least he chased), Johnstone, Miller or Whelan in for the last spot. Though I'm not quite sure how the 'official' match report has Carroll listed amongst the the best when he spent the entire first half being towelled up by a 12-year-old.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

11 - McDonald
11 - Bruce
5 - Neitz
4 - Jones
4 - Green
3 - Miller
2 - Moloney
1 - Bate
1 - Jones

Next week: It's a bottom of the table/harbour clash with the Dockers at the MCG. While playing a winless Freo is nothing new they are clearly a better side than they have shown so far this year and should be expected to pulverise us in a fashion not seen since the infamous Tony "Hey Tone, don't kick ten tonight" Modra rampage of 1999. There is every possible chance of a crowd under 20,000 once Freo bring their 17 fans and 15,000 of ours jump off.

I fking hate sports. Yet I'll still be there next week - what does that say? It's as good enough reason as any not to have kids, you might actually be tempted to expose them to this sort of slop and wreck them for life. Every time I see some kid wearing a Melbourne jumper I'm tempted to give them a big lecture about not gettting too involved because it'll only break their heart like it's been doing to the rest of us all these years. Maybe we should have merged with Hawthorn? Then I would have gladly walked away from the game and found something more productive to do with my weekends.

If I were some dinky singer/songwriter type I'd write an entire concept album about the Melbourne experience with song titles like "Jeff Hilton Hair", "When Nicho kicked 2 against the Cats" and "Round 17, 2000 (The Night I Almost Broke My Hand)". But I'm not, so all the colossal whinging will have to be confined to this page alone. Time to go and drop a toaster in the bathtub I believe.

Saturday, 14 April 2007

TSP’s Travel Corner

Bored with Melbourne? I am. Let’s go somewhere stupid. Mount Stanley, Falkland Islands via Los Angeles and Santiago, Chile - just $4184 one way.

Still can’t find a flight to Baghdad though. What about Vladivostok with Aeroflot - once you get to Moscow it’s only $550 US?

Must go somewhere. What’s the best we can do here? A one way flight to Mt. Gambier on some Plummet Airways plane with a wind up propeller and things held together by rubber bands. Bah.

Shame FM

It’s the death of popular music as we knew it. What Pac Man Fever, Disco Duck and a thousand Idol’s couldn’t do two miners have.

Beaconsfield mine survivors Todd Russell and Brant Webb feature on a single with their wives to commemorate their world famous rescue.

The song called 321 Hours was recorded with Adelaide band Unitopia and signifies the amount of time the men were trapped 925 metres underground.

Mr Webb said it will be released on May 9 - the date they surfaced after 14 nights and the time their colleague Larry Knight, who did not survive the Tasmanian gold mine accident, was laid to rest.

Sure the money is going to charity but couldn’t you just give them the money directly instead of participating in the CD related charade. Did nobody learn their lesson from the Elton John Candle In The Wind ‘97 fiasco? Who, other than the 1085 sick freaks on who probably downloaded it for free anyway actually ever listened to the copy they bought? Certainly not more than once.

The least they could have done was a cover of We’re Sending Our Love Down The Well from the Simpsons.

Coming soon: Schapelle Corby Sings Slipknot?

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

Press 1 For Chaos

Would you vote for a man just because he was self-confessed as “fair dinkum”?


Apparently not

Berhan Jaber 216
Frank Dinoto 521
Rick Dugina 146
Alan Brygel 215
Rose Iser 1307
Nicole Kepert 1730
Hamish Jones 265
Frank Kinnersley 822
Shirley Cornish 475
Alana Pekar 292
Cam Nation 602
David Baldwin 324

Apparently he’s also the King of Wild Scenes.

Only in Melbourne, or possibly Tehran, would you see action like this.

UPDATE - Just to the right of where the shot ends on the wall there is grafitti threatening that “toy” is dead. If anyone knows who “Toy” is please feel free to enlighten me because nearly ten years ago on a shelter near my high school the greatest piece of graffiti ever “TOY YOUR MUM IS WAK SHIT FAT BITCH” appeared, and I want to know if it’s the same person.

Monday, 9 April 2007

Marjorie Wilson Appreciation Day

Who is Marjorie Wilson? Exactly the same question I was asking when they spent the entire first half trying to locate her by the scoreboard and PA system. And frankly I'd rather write a thousand word post about Marjorie and why exactly they wanted to speak to her than mention ten words about the game, but as ground announcements died for me the day they shut the Bay 6 administration office in the ground floor of the Olympic Stand I may as well rant like a mofo and get it off my chest.

First, some random thoughts;

a) How much does the guy in the "protect yourself against criminals" ad they play on the big screen look like Mark Jamar?
b) Apart from his goals how criminal was the performance of Mark Jamar?
c) Does the clown in our cheersquad with the #69 jumper actually believe that it's an amusing gag? The closest to a 69 he's ever likely to be involved in is the fact that he's clearly a cock.

And now some not so random whinging. We're shit. I'm aware that I spazzed out in the same fashion at this time last year but this time I mean it. We won't make the 8 this year - the way we are playing we will be luckily to make the final 15. If Neitz and Robertson are out who is supposed to kick our goals? Green has tried and failed in that role, Dunn is simultaneously injured and too young, Holland just can't kick straight. It's looking very VERY grim. And who does Clint Bizzell have to root to get a game? The poor bastard may as well just pull the pin and retire if he can't get in in front of Bell, Johnson, Brown and Godfrey.

No doubt about it Hawthorn are an emerging side, and obviously they watched the video last week's game a hundred times because they did the exact same thing to us that St. Kilda did last week. We kick a few goals at the start, things are looking positive and then they clamp down on the midfield and strangle us out of it. Cue mass panic as targets start being missed, wild handballs are thrown around, free kicks are needlessly given away and Jamar starts dropping pinpoint passes on the chests of opposition players just outside their own 50. They're not a final 8 side yet but neither, it seems, are we. In nearly 20 years of this shit I don't think I've felt a season go from expectation to depression this quick - last year was bad enough but this has been a heartbreakingly shite fortnight and I don't see any way back given the upcoming fixtures.

Davey has done nothing in two weeks and while I appreciate the fact that he never stops chasing and is always at it somebody needs to address the problem ASAP, and the next person to tell me all about Travis Johnstone and his laser like disposal can fuck off.

What else is there to say? We played soft, unaccountable football again. Somehow despite being softer than butter we managed to give away a tonne of free kicks as well for stupid things like falling on top of people when they'd already gone to ground. We were smashed like guitars in the centre of the ground by players with infinitely less experience, and the kicking inside 50 was comically rubbish even before Robertson went off and left us completely without a target to kick to. At one point they were 40pts clear and it was starting to look ugly before they ran out of gas and allowed us to be cockteased all the way back to 7pts before they started playing again and put the game away. Doesn't matter who you put on Mark Williams he'll wreck us every time - same as Jeff Farmer in that he always runs riot against us and you may as well just lay back, cop it and hope that the rest of the side can get the job done. Today they couldn't - quelle surprise!

And a note to the clowns at the back chanting during the third quarter,

a) To be in a grog squad you should at least be legal drinking age
b) Just because you've been to three V***ory games doesn't mean every sport would be enhanced with pre-pubescent voiced bullshit
c) At least get more than three generic chants
d) "Can you hear the Demons sing" makes absolutely no sense when the ground isn't segregated or carved up between the supporters in the slightest.
e) Fuck off and die you little cunts.

I like Neale Daniher, I really do - but I'm dying to see what somebody else would do with this list. Who they'd sack, who they'd pick, who they'd drop. I guess I just want somebody who'll go off his tits when we lose and throw plates of chicken at people. No more Mr. Nice Guy, let's get some nutbag Ivan Milat style figure like Dean Laidley (but not Dean Laidley) in to go apeshit at people.


Must we?

5 - Bruce
4 - McDonald
3 - Miller (Still does stupid things every second time he touches the ball but today took TWO (!) CONTESTED (!!) MARKS (!!!) and slotted three goals. It's a step forward at least)
2 - Jones (Ran hard. Tackled hard. Enthusiastic at least)
1 - Bate (Yes, he was the king of klang and dropped a sitter right in front but at least he presented and ran his heart out all day. Sadly that's all that it takes to gets you a vote in this abortion of a side)

I am aware that Nathan Brown had about 30 touches but I deducted the total of times they came to absolutely nothing and he came out with no votes. He runs his heart out but he's losing touch fast.

2007 A.J Medal Leaderboard

8 - McDonald
6 - Bruce
5 - Neitz
4 - Jones
3 - Miller
2 - Moloney
1 - Bate
1 - Jones

Next week: If there's any justice in the football world Geelong will beat us by three figures. Having said this just when you think you know the answers Melbourne usually change the questions so expect them to go in without Neitz or Robertson and win by ten goals with Simon Godfrey and Daniel Bell sharing 13 between them.

Initial instinct is to move interstate/overseas to get away from this slop, but somehow it has a hold of me and I'll be trapped here forever aimlessly wandering around and waiting for them to win something more farking prestigious than the Eastern Football League Division Four.

And that's all the analysis you're going to get out of me today. This is me reporting, live from the top of MCG light tower #4 about to jump out.