Thursday, 26 February 2009

Remember The Titans (TV Weak Edition)

New to this blogging caper? New to this blog? Bullshit, I know you're exactly the same people that were reading three years ago and that you remember the glorious 2006 "Hotdogs 4 Gold" logie awards campaign. Need a recap? Fair enough;

* Hotdogs was some slop merchant off Big Brother who, despite the handicap of not having a real name, ended up hosting one of the first late night moneymaking scams quiz shows on Australian television. He was also fined for apparently being noshed off by a groupie outside a Brisbane pub, but who's going to hold that against him?

* Somebody who was definately not in any way related to me discovered that in those innocent times the "unique" voting code that TV Week expected you to get off the front cover of their magazine to vote was actually in no way "unique", and that they simply started at a certain point and counted up one-by-one.

* Several people pointed this flaw in the system out and - let's face it this is where THEY probably went a bit wrong - invited punters to exploit this to vote early, vote often and vote a million times for the popular late night quiz show host.

* A successful media campaign led to coverage in the mainstream press for the campaign. This led to TV Weak calling the lawyers in and issuing cease and desist letters to the key players. You will note from the following that they never actually said they had an issue with the exposure of the flaws in the voting system;

“By the unauthorised use of our client’s logo and the inclusion of a link to the TV Week online voting site, the website implies an association with TV Week. Such conduct is in breach of Section 53 of the Trade Practices Act.”

So theoretically we.. err they could just have removed the logo and the link and everything would have been alright - but who's going to risk getting hauled over the coals for a novelty action?

* Rumors abounded that there were so many votes for Hotdogs that TV Weak (who are, in no way connected with the popular television publication of a similar name) employed people to specifically pick out the votes for him - whether they were legitimate or not.

* One of the presenters made mention of it during the ceremony (!) but we never heard of the campaign, or Hotdogs himself ever again.

Lest they ever be lost, let's remember some of the great moments of the "Hot Dogs 4 Gold" campaign.

(Right click and view image because I'm too lazy to resize)

After the Herald Scum turned on the campaign shortly after their friends the lawyers stepped in.

For legal reasons I can't explain this one.

But this was the shot that replaced anything with the TV Weak logo or their pissy statue in it. Thanks Judge Ito.

So, why the reminiscing? Well, apparently stacking the TV Weak awards is back in fashion - and encouraged;

INTERNATIONAL celebrities have joined fans in a campaign to farewell Neighbours veteran Ian Smith with a gold Logie.

Smith has been the most consistent neighbour as Harold Bishop for more than 22 years and finally exits the soap on Friday.

And with friends like the faded 1980s popstar Rick Astley and the now happily grey Tom Jones, who can stop him?

Both have sent best wishes for his retirement and have backed an I Heart Harold gold Logie campaign being run on the Neighbours website.

"I was never going to give you up but you're off anyway - best of luck," Astley said.

Jones said, "Harold, good luck in the future from me, Tom Jones - we're gonna miss you."

Australian Idol judge Dicko said, "Twenty years ... Shapelle Corby got less. Mate, you deserve the gold Logie, I'm voting."

I just hope they've tightened their voting code process in the last few years.. otherwise it might be time for the return of the Dog three years too late..

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Best Acceptance Speech Ever

Mickey Rourke wins some wobbies world award and is given five minutes in which he completely dominates, and presumably offends a few people.

Kind of makes you sad that he didn't win the Academy Award doesn't it? Imagine the material he could have delivered when confined to 60 seconds? Though knowing the tedious nature of the Oscars, and the fact that they're voted on by 92-year-old men who are still mourning the loss of silent cinema, he probably won and they tore up the envelope after hearing this speech.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Great Sporting Moments

#23 of 121 - Lance Armstrong vs Syringe Man

Lance didn't take too kindly to the goofy looking freak...

And over he goes. Unfortunately it's my duty to report that he didn't inadvertently then swing around, accidentally stuff the comedy syringe into somebody's spokes and cause the mother of all cycling pile-ups - because that would have been the greatest moment in the history of sports.

A bit like this;

The best thing about that is how the cop jumps to his feet and stands up like nothing's happened.

Saturday, 21 February 2009

Great Random Movies Characters of the 80's

#1 of 1 - The insane girl from The Breakfast Club

Enough said.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Republicans on Drugs

Lo, and let us behold the alleged ""Best Conservative Movies" as chosen by some nutters.

Highlights include,

1. "The Lives Of Others" (2007)
The tale, set in East Germany in 1984, is one part romantic drama, one part political thriller. It chronicles life under a totalitarian regime as the Stasi secretly monitors the activities of a playwright who is suspected of harboring doubts about Communism.

You will note that they never mention how it ranks #1 because it exposes the East German government as ruthless haters. No, it's top of the list because it represents their dream freaking society. Peanuts.

4. Forrest Gump (1994)
Tom Hanks plays the title character, an amiable dunce who is far too smart to embrace the lethal values of the 1960s. The love of his life, wonderfully played by Robin Wright Penn, chooses a different path; she becomes a drug-addled hippie, with disastrous results.

Seriously, what world would you having to be living in to believe any of that? But, in this world Forrest is the man because he shot at some chinks in Southeast Asia rather than doing lines off Jimi Hendrix's knob at Woodstock.

5. 300 (2007)
During the Bush years, Hollywood neglected the heroism of American soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan — but it did release this action film about martial honor, unflinching courage, and the oft-ignored truth that freedom isn’t free.

So the Spartans used to rape, pillage, plunder and throw disabled kids off cliffs - but because everyone hates George Bush's guts they're suddenly heroes. The war on drugs isn't working in some quarters.

6. Groundhog Day (1993)
This putatively wacky comedy about Bill Murray as an obnoxious weatherman cursed to relive the same day over and over in a small Pennsylvania town, perhaps for eternity, is in fact a sophisticated commentary on the good and true.

Oh come on, now you're just taking the piss.

19. We Were Soldiers (2002)
Most movies about the Vietnam War reflect the derangements of the antiwar Left.

Are there seriously people who refer to themselves as "pro" war? That's like being "pro" AIDS. Fucksticks.

21. Heartbreak Ridge (1986)
A welcome glorification of Reagan’s decision to liberate Grenada in 1983, the film also notes how after a tie in Korea and a loss in Vietnam, America can finally celebrate a military victory. Eastwood, the old war horse, walks off into retirement pleased that he’s not “0–1–1 anymore.”

Now, I quite like Heartbreak Ridge but anyone who thinks twatting the army of Grenada is a monumental occasion like the other two wars has clearly been ripping cones with Michael Phelps. Celebrating a win in Grenada is like celebrating a win in Round 22 when you've finished 12th. The good news for the Americans is that just a few years later they took on, and belted, another one of the world's military superpowers... Panama. And nobody even bothered to make a movie about that.

24. Team America: World Police (2004)
This marionette movie from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone is hard to categorize as conservative. It’s amazingly vulgar and depicts Americans as wildly overzealous in fighting terror. Yet the film’s utter disgust with air-headed, left-wing celebrity activism remains unmatched in popular culture

Fuck off and fuck off now.

And amongst the other nominees who didn't quite make it there's one Rocky Balboa. Now, this is interesting. Ask yourself how that gets a run and none of the other Rocky movies do;

I - Down and out everyman fights his way to a world title match and puts in a heroic performance.
II - Same film, different result. Nobody as champ - what's more American and wanky than that?
III - Hulk Hogan AND Mr. T. Come on - GET IT IN THERE.
IV - Fair enough I suppose, given that everyone knows Ivan Drago was a hundred times the man Balboa was - and that Brigitte Nielsen was a trillion times better than Adrienne. USSR 1, USA 0.
V - Ok, this was complete shit.

In the interest of political balance I'd like to point out that Fahrenheit 9/11 was one of the sorriest excuses for a documentary that I've ever seen and that Mike Moore should have retired on a hig hafter Bowling For Columbine.

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Sit or Stand

Interesting picture the Age used to illustrate this story...

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

By my count that "Blackjack" hand would come to 52 (Edited due to originally being a spaz who can't count numbers let alone cards). Just 29 over the limit. Why didn't you stand at 20? What sort of corrupt casino is this? Hold on, what do you mean they just grabbed the first 'cards' photo they could find out of the library and it turned out to be a game of poker.

Dealer bust, looks like y'all win again.

Monday, 16 February 2009

Facebook ALLEGEDLY knows all..

Enough said really..


I'm not sure whether the original profile (no pictures, no friends - was up this morning) is legitimate or not, but sometime this afternoon somebody has started a real fake one with that one picture of him that's going around everywhere. Makes sense that he'd be all over Farcebook if he's doing MySpaz, but you never can tell.

Of course the media are all over the number of Facebook hate groups which have sprung up (and let me tell you I wouldn't be putting my name to any of that shit until the trial is over and he's well and truly convicted), because as we all know Facebook is the new #1 source for lazy journalists desperately searching for what "the real people" are up to. Naturally they're concentrating on the fact that everyone wants to kill him etc.. Welcome to the democratisation of the internet - where anyone with half a brain can log in and spout all sorts of 15th century bullshit about people being tied up over ants nest with petrol poured over them etc.. It's like the idiots posting in these groups are having a contest to see who can come up with a more sadistic form of capital punishment.

I'm not defending the guy, and if he's found guilty it should be time to lock him away, wave a bit and then throw the guy into the sea (as it should be for most murderers and rapists - but don't hold your breath) but it's a bit grim to have a bunch of suburban yokels comparing torture techniques. How come you can start an "Ivan Milat Fan Club" (5 members and counting) or a Bradley John Murdoch "comedy" profile without any backlash? Is the level of community outrage based solely on body count, or is this yet another case of the public clambering aboard a bandwagon that they will all silently back away from in 3 months time like Schapelle Corby or Van Nguyen. And how many of the people calling for garottings and the guillotine in this case were the ones waving their fists in the air and threatening never to go to Malaysia/Thailand/Singapore again (delete as applicable) when they imprisoned/executed people for drug trafficking. And we all - especially the bandwagon lunatic's paper of choice the Herald Sun - seem to have forgotten about the bloke who lost his mind and threw his kid off the Westgate Bridge all of a sudden - not important anymore?

What these groups tell me is that as flawed as our political system is, that it's a bloody good thing that the punters don't actually have any power because most of them are complete and utter clowns. And on that note is there any danger that anyone charged with being (allegedly) involved with this disaster is going to get a fair trial in Victoria? Good luck finding a jury of people who don't have some connection to somebody who was affected, or who have taken up the cause out of sympathy.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Shit Music 23FM

Ever wondered why radio in this country is so awful? Well let this website be your guide.

Cue the early 90's demo tape of the man now known as the "Head of Content" for the Austereo network. Get ready for the hillarity of Bruce Springclean and the same "Crystal Waters.. no relation to Sandie Shaw" gag twice, and brace yourself for the worst signoff 'catchphrase' in history.

Mind you, I suppose any of us would probably lose the will to live and start injecting random colour and flavour when called upon to advertise bingo nights at the Bannockburn Town Hall.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

TSP's Corporate Love Day Spectacular 2009

"Love", the Captain and Tenille claimed, "will keep us together". However the Rolos ad once said "Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars". Who are we to believe? Given that Rolos are quite tasty, and that the Captain's real name was actually Daryl Dragon I'm going to have to learn towards the chocolates on this one.

So, it's in this spirit of resistance that we launch into TSP's annual look at the best and worst - but mainly the worst - of the Herald Sun "Book of Love". I'm reading the lot and filtering out the boring so you don't have to. Unfortunately they've only managed to muster up 16 pages of terror this year. This may be due to one, or more of the following;

a) It's a Saturday
b) The world economic crisis
c) Post-disaster sensitivity
d) The fact that their logo features a tranny
e) People realising that it's a grandstanding waste of money.

Anyway, on with the show..

Mystifying Messages
AAZZ, Ron. Georgio-Edwarni, Rumple. I can't wait to marry u. Love always, Brookie, Chicken

AFFY. YOU ARE the lub ob my life. Thanks for being the beth hufbayan in the woyald. What tine da tennith finis? Lots of Lub Cowatty an the Lewsh

AMELIE PROUD. A beautiful baby Angel currently under the loving guidance of Angels Mother Angela, Aunty Casey and Nanna Lesley

ARTHUR (TAPPER). We know we dont' say it often enough but we really do LOVE YOU - Your 3 Joujoukes xxx



ANG, Whitney, Nurul, Rach n Erin. Happy Valentine's Day Me LOVE U all my Bitches Love Pru

You may sometimes annoy the crap out of me, but I couldn't live without your cheeky smile, your smelly farts and your bottom pinching

Bunchie. .bunch. .brunchie. .brunch. . CHOO BUNCHIE!!!! Love forever Cheeks xxxx

My dearest Grill'd Patty - there's only you in my life, you're the one thing that's bright, my first love, your every breath I take, you're every step I make... you're juicy Patty.. your tasty buns, you're my endless love. Sorry to be so Cheesy

CARMY - My 1940 Love Machine Endearing Love Always ..... Your 1938 R Rat

COWATT how bout we go for a shnitzel tonight

Happy Valentine's Day i love you heaps and heaps love your german sausage haha

My Chooky No Pong (Gwonji No Pong) Blue Bird.. We get marraged soon! Ululu 4 eva

Dear John Anthony your a spunk, and I luv you, have a awesome day campdrafting! buggar ya but I luv ya. Kick some butt your wife Jois

My Portuguese love goddess. You ding my dong


15th Valentine's message 4 u. 8 years hitchen. Still luv getting dirty in da ditch wit u

Hairy munkee wuvs you xxx

HERMIE. You have showered me with your gifts and love since our first date at KFC

For my sex little chicken bum face.
Happy Valentine's Day Piaow Piaow with you anytime baby.

your the most beautiful women I have ever meet especially whilst your pregnant

JESS W....
Little Ghost in my Gothic loneliness I still dream old dreams of your wide child's eyes. A vision of unspeakable loveliness from a world lost.

JORT - Hope you have a great day. Say hi to Laser. Look forward to our next SBS session

When you hold the Ozzie Open with balls going to and fro, you tend to make a racquet, when you are serving like a pro. A hard fought rally, with good stroke play, will end in deuce, at the end of play. Your second serve is a sensation. "My Ace", you deserved the standing ovation. Love-all,
Mick's Doubles

My Scorpion. How could I ever be your real Sub zero
(Mortal Kombat references! FTW!)

MA MAN - Sexy Cwordy. You big bully, you fink you good because you sexy. You gonna get it

Chuck Norris is why Wally's hiding. You're not made of wood. Neither am I...... Safety

I am Pot Committed. Me, you, Jack and Buddy are such a happy Force not even Edward could break through!

No More Sorrys. Eye Wub Ewe Berry Muich
- Maggot


6 words.. I neva wanna b apart again. Bet u $2, dis yr will be da best, chuck out da WREST! Luv ur guts infinaty toz ur looking fine in 09

How about a safari sans tonies - I'll bring the rhino??

Take a bottle of red to where the trains don't go then plant a yellwo rose and together we'll grow

TRAIN me 2 CONDUCT myself B4 I fall off TRACK. I want 2 B in a BRN BNeath U, so let's go LOCO! ENJOY THE RIDE!!


Sickening Nicknames

Baby Girl
Cheeky Monkey
Cheesy Doodie
Chicken Nugget
Darling pooks
Duk Duk
Fat Boy
Fish Schnoz
Flower Boy
Funny Chicken
Golly bug
Hairy Monster
Hot Coals Babe
Hubba Bubba
Lava-Flow boy
Little baby duck
Little Nut Brown Hare
Miss Mt. Dandy
my schnogims
Pee Pee
Princess Chooch Bug
Pumpkin x 5000 like nobody's ever thought of that before.
Sexy sugar bum
Sweet cheeks
Sweet little chickon
ur hot wog
ur wombat
Your Makka Pakka Boof
your nawty girl
Your snausage

Advertising Genius Section

I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Zac

I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Adam

Did you see what they did there? There's two more - would have cost them a bit.

To our devoted Stihl Stated and Territory Managers, words can't express how amazing the last few days have been. We're totally dedicated to each and everyone of you, seriously. You're all we could have ever hoped for. Forever yours - The Stihl Marketing Team

Celebrity Action

AL CAPONE. 80 Years Ago Today, You Took My Breath Away - Bugs Moran

ANDREW O'K. Please choose me and you can ride in my side car. Deal or No deal? - Julia NSW

Unparalleled passion joins unmistakable laughter. Unrelenting ambitions meets unwavering faith. Love - Fred

Do you love me, will you love me forever? As I will love you forever

Be my Valentine and win the '09 Premiership

Special Tribute to Barb Dawson section
BARB DAWSON. Even if you are a Maggies fan, work is still the funnest with you around. Love Brent. GO BLUES!

* BARB "SAUCY" DAWSON * Thanks for making work such a spicy event! You are a champ! Go Hawks Love - Nick

Rotten Poetry
The clouds and veils have slipped away with time and all that remains is our love exposed... naked and radiant. More than ever.
Sigh. The Accountant

I fell in love right from the start.
Right up to now you hold my heart.
You're full of love, warmth and grace.
You make the world a better place.
You tried so hard to make me see.
The much better person I could be.
For so long you have been my wife.
I hope I haven't lost you from my life.
I can see it all so very clear.
Things you thought I didn't hear.
If feels you are so far away.
Wish I could hold your hand today.
As I tried to work things through.
I realise how much I admire you.
I will always love you.

Let the sky shatter,
The Earth split in two.
What if she loved me,
I could make it through

To my wife and darling Valentine. Remember all will turn out fine.
I love you more and more each day
Even though I'm turning grey.
The years seem to be going so fast
But my love for you will always last.
There are time the kids and I often gloat,
But not when we were on that bloody boat.
My final thought to give you delight.
If won't be long till your on that flight

I love you as much As an Italian man loves a Ferrari.
Computer nerd loves their Atari.
Like a Portuguese sausage is spicy and hot.
Me me dance the fire hydrant dance like a robot.
Rainbows to a little cuddle puppy.
Or a cafe latte is to a yuppy.
A joke is to Russell Brand.
Group to a Band.
Quattro Digici to San Rocco.
Tradie taking a smoko.
A goofy mug to a Spandy

You are my favourite ranga.
I'm sorry if I sometimes harangue ya.
Maybe for dinner I'll make you a salad sanga.
And then afterwards...
you'll let me do the dishes

Each day my love for you grows stronger, this I know is true.
Can't wait to get my next 400 grams of meat from you

Sorry for staring, can't stop thinking about you.
I bet you have a good rbain, and a nice mid wicket too

Angles come from Heaven. Princes from frogs. You make me so happy, Coz I'm your KELLOGGS xox :-)
(Yes, they really did say Angles)

The sun made us all red
The fijian water was blue
the best wedding in the world
was when I married you.

You're the icing on my cake
You're my one pan dinner
You're the pickle on my cheeseburger
You're a bit of ALRIGHT!

Roses are red, violets are Blue
About what happened in Thailand
I'm still a bit cross with you.
You could however, make it up to me
If you went to Prada or Gucci.
Amazingly though I still love you
I don't know why but it's always true

Pisstake Central
INTERNET, THANK you for such a beautiful relationship over the past 16 years... We love you! Internode

INTERNODE I love that you are naked, I love that you're extreme, I love it when I listen to your unmetered radio stream. I love that you support me. I love that you go fast. It's lal because of Internode that dialup's in the past! With all my love The Internet

Stalkers Corner
ALBERT PARK BEACH BABE I met you last Sat after leaving the beach at the shop on Vic Ave. We said hello at the counter, Dior sunnies, H20 in hand and my fruit, then you vanished. Hoping to meet you again. BEACH BOY

AMELIA. What's new pussycat? Happy Birthday for next week. I placed it in here as I thought there was more chance of you seeing it than on the day. It's been a few years and things in my life have made me think of you recently. I truly hope that you are very happy

BRENDA from NYE I miss your kiss. How do I find u? I never got ur number. Frank xxx

Jasinski .. I'm sorry that things have ended this way. Despite everything, I will always love you because you gave me th emost precious thing in this world, our son, Brodie. I hope one day we can be friends for his sake. Love - Sarah xx

Call me if you can.. One of these days

I miss you. It's so hard to contact or see you. Love - The Gov xxx

C, My hands miss you, too. I often wonder how your life worked out. Find me on Facebook

'LITTLE ONE' I love you and miss you morning, noon and night even when I ride my bike I hope that one day soon you might see that I am still Mr. Right your personal shinning Knight I made some errors and at times I was a terror but know this as true it was because of my love for you. When I do things without you its not the same and that's a big shame - being with you is simply the best - I fell in love with you when we first met. I love you now and will love you for eternity Please find out all the facts and truth so I can shout I love you from the top of roof Forgive me Little One I simply adore a love you<.i>

CHIKOO, I miss u, ur my heart and soul. I'm incomplete withouy u. ur happiness is more important

You fix all the broken and sick ponies. You are so serious, so gorgeous and sometimes so grumpy. Have you even noticed me? Will you ever call? Or will I always be your secret admirer

DAN Met you 3 weeks ago would love to see you again. Happy Valentine's Day - Mads.

met you at Provincial Fri 2nd Jan, the ph no. is wrong. If it was an error and you're interested be outside your locat this wed 18th @ 7pm for the special palma night :-)

Dedicate "Always" by Bon Jovi . Had time to think since Oct. 16 when we were last together. Deeply sorry, miss you

IN my 39yrs, the greatest moment was meeting you, the worst moment was losing you. I promise never ever to hurt you, only to love you with all that I have. One chance is all I need, to prove myself to you and your entire family. I want my forever with you. I'm sorry it's taken me 9yrs to realise that you are my REAL THING. With every day that passes, that's one less day I have with you. Trust your heart, trust our love, bust most of all, trust me. I LOVE YOU

GIRAFFE you are my everything, can we pretty please get back together? Love monkey xxx

You're better now, wrong drugs they gave you Oct. Made you do stupid crazy things. Not your fault. I forgive you. Should have told her, should have told friends. So full of life. Now full of sadness

In the year 2000 you turned my world upside town!
I grew real close to you, but you broke my heart when you went overseas.
My feelings were genuine and it hurt the most when you didn't believe me.
I haven't seen you since, but I still think of you.
You are and will always be unforgettable

MY 'Holden (V8) Man'
My 'Precious Pain'!
Sorry by one million for what happened 23 years ago (28.01.1986) to be precise!
I told you I would be back, 'cos as I told you on that day, I will never love another the way 'I LOVE YOU!'
One day in the future (hopefully before dementia, senility or death, and in this lifetime???) I shall whisk you away overseas to 'Paris' (Mile High Club??? if we're not too old!) and MARRY YOU!! I shall then get drunk with delight with you at my side FOREVER. See you then, talk soon??? - 'Ford (V8) Girl'
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo :)
P.S - I am ready to answer those 2 or 3 questions you have for me

Seat 1C JQ166 11 Feb. Can not stop thinking of you. Love to hear from you

I'm very sorry for everything. I hope we'll be friends again someday

Just Plain Creepy

My son, my sweetheart, my world. You may be one expensive little model, but I cherish every moment. With your beautiful nature and that charismatic way. Just gorgeous. Love always - Mum

BARRY M - aka Daddy. Today Tomorrow Forever all my love. YER. Your Wife Kim xoxo

MASTER wishes you a happy Valentine's Day. I love you and want you. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

HUSSLER. Hope you get a hole in one and enjoy your weekend playing golf

Dear Mum, I hope you like this. I love you and I want a smoochy woochy

I've loved you from 'that moment' in the shower

And that, my friends, is that. Good luck in getting a leg over to celebrate the day.

Friday, 13 February 2009

Corporate Love Day - Pre-Match special

Stay tuned for Australia's favourite sport - taking the piss out of the Herald Sun CLD messages - at about 5pm tomorrow. I need some time to digest the full horror and retype the slops.

In the meantime ask yourself this question - why have the H.S chosen to have a transvestite as their logo for the event?


Best of luck to you if your valentine is a blond woman with a porn mo, and in that case may you somehow avoid getting 'some'.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Oh dear

In the wake of, shall we say, 'events' in the past week radio stations across the country are not surprisingly doing the traditional post-disaster thing and shedding any song which could look inappropriate.

TEEN chart-topper Jessica Mauboy has learnt about unfortunate timing.

Her song Burn has gone from being the fourth most played song on Australian radio last week to being removed from most commercial radio playlists because of its title.

Most radio chiefs decided to take the song off the air this week in light of the devastating Victorian bushfires.

etc.. etc..

Interesting then that on Tuesday night somebody in the Channel 9 programming department cocked up hardcore and let this follow their bushfire coverage..

10.00 - Half Past Dead

No really, they did

Wombat TV Hit Picks
Movie: Half Past Dead, 10:00pm. Tuesday.

Steven Seagal's career went from bad to good and back to bad again in the blink of an eye.

Then if that wasn't bad enough they followed that with something even more dubious. I haven't got a screenshot or any actual proof so feel free to pore over your TV guides (I suggest the one in Melbourne Weekly where the writer is openly contemptous of his job) and see for yourself.

Could an entire network possibly not realise they're about to offend... everybody?

UPDATE - The cricket coverage on Sunday night opened to a montage featuring.. Sex On Fire. I know their ratings are shit, but there's no reason to try and make sure that the whole network is going to hell.

Monday, 9 February 2009

TV Angst

Who the buggery decided that Julia Morris was allowed back on our television screens?

Just when you thought that her gurning, sub-Vince Sorrenti routine had been banished into the dark annals of TV history alongside the Bob Morrison show and Bruce Samazan hosting Tonight Live she's back to taunt us.

One round of Dancing With The Stars where they obviously couldn't find any real celebs, now it's Fernwood Fitness and All Bran ads where she does EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING ACT EVERY TIME. I barely ever watch television, but every time she comes on I want to ping a plate at the screen. I can't be the only one who wants that guru whose meditation class she interrupts to snap and spin kick her in the head.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Kommerical Korner

Surely I can't be the only person who is confused and distressed by the ad currently being shown with Michael Clarke and Pat Rafter. For those who haven't seen it then get confused by clicking here and then answer me these two questions.

1) Why does Clarke have to drop the strides and catch the ball in the old reg grundies? Why doesn't he just catch it in his hands?

2) Wouldn't a tennis ball falling from height and landing straight in your jatz crackers cause some sort of discomfort? Are they suggesting that 'Pup' is not delivering a substantial package to Ms. Lara Bingle? Is this the image he wants to project the nation? No wonder she went for a session with that mong Fevola.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Low Moments in Station Promotions

You can't control the weather, but you've got to have some sympathy for the poor bastard who is on 3AW today trying to pump up an outside broadcast at a supermarket on the hottest day EVER with half the state burning to buggery. Sample moment that I just heard in the car,

*Caller* - "There are fires 2km from my house. Everything's going horribly wrong" etc.. etc..
*Host* - "My god that's awful. Good luck. And now over to Tom at Ritchie's IGA in Yarra Glen"
*Tom* - "We're about to do another barrel draw here, and the lucky winner of $250 of shopping vouchers is Doris of Mt. Evelyn!"

Followed by much applause. I bet you they wouldn't be applauding at a supermarket if their houses were about to go down in the disco inferno.

UPDATE - Urgent Threat Message: A fire of approximately 30 hectares is currently burining in Train Trak Vineyard area of Yarra Glen.

Take your $250 voucher and leg it back to Mt. Evelyn Doris!

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

So You Think You Can Dance - Kew

Ladies and gentlemen, I present a photo essay of your newest cult hero. Here, in all his glory is the Dancing Man of Kew Junction.



There he stood at the traffic lights doing exercise like manoevures for an hour. Every time a car honked the horn a look of glee came across his face. Heartwarming or something. Fking amusing is what I'd call it. Later he came into the pub and proudly announced, hat and all, that he was a Melbourne fan. Explains why he's lost the plot I suppose.

UPDATE - Turns out he's actually massively famous and has a 3500 person Farcebook group dedicated to him. Shows what I know about Slop Culture.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Great Forgotten Minor Characters in TV History

#1 - The racist cop from The Young Ones


*Man is ringing bell*

"Ho ho ho. Ha ha ha. Well, Mr. Sambo Darky Coon. I've got your number! You're nicked!"
"Is something the matter officer?"
"Ho ho ho, dear me. Don't we talk lovely, Mr. Rastus Chocolate Drop."
"What seems to be the trouble officer?"
"That's white man's electricity you're burning ringing that bell. That's theft, I've got your number so hold out your end"

*Man takes glove off*

"Officer, I represent Kellogg's Corn Flakes car competition"

*Officer takes glasses off*

"Oh, sorry John. I thought you was a nigger. Carry on".

*Runs away*

P.S - Don't write in and say that's racist.. because it's not. Well, it is.. but it's supposed to be. Oh just fuck off already.

Monday, 2 February 2009

Random Conversations

Random Woman: "Hi, I sing songs about grand slam tennis winners"
Me: "Ok, let's hear one"
*song about Serena Williams*
Me: "That's great. Do you have one about Sergi Bruguera?
*song about Andy Roddick*

I didn't dare point out that Bruguera won more Grand Slam tournaments than Roddick lest she punch me in the face.