Friday, 28 March 2003

Well, it's footy time again. And when Melbourne aren't on a Friday night that means sitting down and enjoying the genius of Gary Lyon and Dennis Cometti ("Well, the ball certainly has a sense of humour) on Channel 9. Of course there's also the irritating Dermott Brereton to contend with but he's not as bad as he used to be. Eddie's on as well of course, and he's proven himself to be one of the better callers of recent times so I'll take him a balance to the colossal bullshit Dermie speaks.

Anyway, for about the last four seasons we've had this anti-drink driving ad on in Melbourne (interstate viewers may have localised versions featuring crap sports like Rugby Union) whenever Richmond play. It's basically just two pissheads having drunken conversations and being stopped from driving their car by a tiger roaring when they attempt to open the door. So far so completely banal? Well there's a bit in it that I don't get. Just as they're leaving the MCG one pisspot says to the other,

"Play the theme song to dreamer because you didn't kick the winning goal in '98 my friend"

All these years and I've never been able to work out what in gods name he's talking about. A movie perhaps? I think they deliberately wrote a script that made no sense at all so people would look at it and go "Sweet jesus, I'm never drinking again if I speak that kind of crap".

The only thing I remember about Richmond's '98 season is when they needed to beat us in the last round to secure a rare finals spot but went home 76 point losers (Neitz and Jeff Farmer 5 each for the winners). That game was also notable for Farmer's screamer which was RIPPED OFF from winning Mark-of-the-Year because Bruce McAvaney wanted to have Winston Abraham's children (Bruce: "Ohhhh Winnie! Silky skills! Isn't he gifted?" Australia: "Fuck off"). The bogans should have talked about that game instead. I saw grown men cry because they didn't finish 8th and earn the right to get pounded in the first week of the finals. That would make a much better ad than the highly unrealistic scenario of a potential drink-driver being convinced not to drive at high speed through pedestrians on Brunton Avenue (which is closed after each match at the discretion of the Police Operational Commander as the MCG scoreboard delights in telling you every week) by the king of the jungle.

So, if anyone knows what in the name of jebus that ad is referring to then please send answers on the back of Danny Frawley's resignation letter to the usual address because it's really been concerning me recently.
Anyone else remember Pro Wrestling for the Nintendo? I do, mainly because it had the most awesome music in videogame history (the same tune as all the generic Baseball/Tennis/Football games on the NES) and because it had one of the greatest characters in video game history. Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for,

This reviewer hates King Slender, he prefers the completely useless Star Man. This guy hates him too, I quote

The fans hate him too, and one enraged group of white trash attendees, wearing body paint and cheese wedge hats, nearly stoned him to death with various fruits. League officials claim they were laughing too hard to stop the brutal beating. There were no flowers sent to his hospital room, even from his mother. No one likes Slender.

The three things other than King Slender which make this game a classic,

a) The Ring Apron says "Go Fight!"
b) When you win a bout you get some quality Engrish (left)
c) The psychadelic flashing crowd celebrations after every match. Epileptics beware!

There's actually a band called King Slender which is a shame because I had that on my short list of names if I ever ended up in a band. Luckily that's never going to happen anyway so the problem is somewhat avoided.

In summary,

If you read my Retro Rants and decided that I was a thoroughly disagreeable little shit at 14 you'd be right. The bad news is that this letter from yesterday's Age Green Guide proves that the new crop of promising youngsters are just as bad, or worse.

Forced diet of history

Could the ABC and SBS stop running history progams - my parents' favourite - during prime time? This stops me from watching good shows on commercial networks and I won't stand for it. The other night, thanks to the ABC, I was forced to learn what King Henry VIII ate instead of watching Always Greener on Seven and Skithouse on Ten. Should the ABC and SBS want to show these programs, show them in the afternoon while my parents are at work so I can enjoy prime time TV.

Dylan Leach, 14, Brunswick

Now I might have said some stupid things in the past, but publically expressing a desire to watch awful sketch comedy on Network 10 was not amongst them. At the risk of sounding like a washed-up old man young Dylan could probably learn more watching shonky documentaries than he ever will at school.

And what about the whole "forced" to watch thing? Maybe he could try, you know, studying? Kids these days.

On the other hand, get the kid his own blog - he could provide me with endless entertainment.

TSP Retro Rant #12

And so we end retro week. Yes, it's two rants short of the promised 14 but you get that. Enjoy this until I find some new nuggets of past wisdom in my long lost archives.

November 8, 1995


The media obviously influences children about if they are going to get kidnapped or murdered. It's a pretty good assumption that you'll get slashed or stolen if you are under 12 because with all the crime going on these days.

In all this time you would have to have been pretty lucky not to have been exposed to some sort of crime. If you lived in a high crime area like Narre, Glen Iris or Footscray you would feel pretty scared, for instance around us in Glen Iris in the past 5 years there have been 2 robberies next door, 2 drug busts, 3 lots of drunken hooligans singing and breaking car windows, and least 5 domestic disputes, the Police helicopter (Pigs can fly) and police harassment.

If you are scared of getting rolled by a mass murderer you also must be afraid of police coming around and harassing you. I am scared of being brutally murdered and when people buzz our door and say they are from


I'm sure that was supposed to continue on to some kind of final apocalyptic conclusion but the truth was I was assured of getting out of that school in a months time and consequently didn't waste my time completing anything. Hey, I didn't even bother to wear the uniform for the last two weeks.

It all ends here after I transferred to a school with an illiteracy rating higher than sub-Saharan Africa. To those people a pen was solely a cheap substitute for stabbing someone. The writing curse would not arise again until my (now sadly lost) VCE English folio.

TSP Retro Rant #11

Who could have predicted back then that the Sunraysia TV ads would get MORE annoying as the years went by? Also note an early use of the word hornbag which has entered my daily vocabulary in the years since.

October 25th, 1995


Advertising is one of the most annoying things ever invented. The main culprit is that guy from those Sunraysia cranberry ad's and the rest of his evil family. Here's a sample

GRAN: Wake Up, Wake Up
DAN: But ma, Little Crannie and I are sleeping <-- Suspicious?
GRAN: What a lovely Sunraysia Morning, a natural sunraysia high <-- junkies?
LITTLE CRAN: Oh dad i'll drink Sunraysia Cran ECSTASY <-- Call the drug squad till the day I die <-- not long in the future.

I think that lot have been drinking more than Cranberry juice, Dan is high, the kid is drunk and gran's just along for the ride.

The most effective ad on TV is that wacky danish one where the guy is spying on all the naked women. It would get all the hornbags buying that paper. All those Scandinavian ad's are obscene, so they are the funniest. The best other ads are those american ones where the chickens are trying to get sold to a farm.

Thursday, 27 March 2003

Guess who got to hang around another peace protest today? Yeah you guessed it. This time it was "Lawyers against War". Lawyers with integrity? Yeah I know it's the biggest oxymoron ever but they thought they were right and that's all that matters apparently.

My role was largely confined to telling hippies and lawyers (sample under breath quote: "Shouldn't you be off stealing some clients money?") to get the hell out of the road when cars were coming through. They didn't want to listen so we asked the cops to have a go, surprisingly they all moved then.

Two things I noticed (apart from the obvious fact that, you know, THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING SOME WORK),

a) The Greens signs are still all being held up with wooden stakes
b) Their "Greenmobile" is the oldest, crappiest and most pollution spewing car on the face of gods green earth. They must thing it's 'edgy' to drive an unroadworthy death trap or something.

TSP Retro Rant #10

August 23rd, 1995

It was about this time that I ran out of creative steam and ended up writing rants that spanned several different subjects on the one page. I'm especially impressed at how this one changes from being about Crichton-Brown to being about Anna Nicole-Smith in the one line.

BOXING is a farce, it is crud soon it will be as rigged as proffesional wrestling. First we had Ray Mercer the man who has dollar signs around his pants and gets arrested for bribery. Now it's Mike Tyson who gets $35 million so he can afford to swing McNeely a few bucks. This was so bad it looks like Tyson will never unravel himself from the "Cocoon Of Horror"


Noel Crichton-Brown is a stupid plank who should be hung naked over a vat of hot fat. His only possible job when he has finished his life... oops I mean his job is the man on one of those 0055 Sex Lines, he is the biggest hornbag to get into parliament since Big John Brumby and his band of morons got into the Victorian parliament.
He should just squirm out of the senate and crawl back under the rock she came out from in the first place.


TSP Retro Rant #9

Date Unknown (1995)

The single greatest sporting event in the world is coming up this weekend, the F.A Cup No, The Indy 500 No The Superbowl No, yes it's everybodies favourite


With some of the greatest sports on earth like The Dash for Cash, Inner Tube Race, Bike Racing down the hill & Hot dog suicide jumping.

And as usual your hosts will be Big Max Walker and "The male model from Mudgee" Kenny Sutcliffe. Lots of stuff up's are assured, and by this time next year, most of them will be out of hospital.

Wednesday, 26 March 2003

Further proof (Part 234) that the treeswingers who run Student Unions are a waste of good oxygen.

Last Thursday, before the first shot had been fired in Iraq, law firm Slater & Gordon warned that their clients would count dead bodies in their pursuit of Prime Minister John Howard and his senior ministers for war crimes.

Most of their clients have been vigorous opponents of Howard. Called the Victorian Peace Network they include the Socialist Party, the Socialist Alternative, the International Socialists Organisation, the Democratic Socialist Party, a selection of unions and student unions.

Now I can handle all those other people wasting their time and money on a lost cause, but is this what Students are paying for when they fork over a General Services Fee at the start of the year? Correct me if i'm wrong but doesn't their interest supposedly start and end at the students (hence the name)? Fucking morons. What an absolute joke that is. I remember looking through the minutes of the Swinburne Student Union last year when they were having a massive left vs right brawl (and the right were almost as bad when it came to pulling off rorts) and they'd given thousands of dollars to some bullshit protest outside the Baxter Detention Center. They should be forced to promote what they're wasting students money on.

I've never been a big fan of VSU, but this story sure makes you wish for it.

TSP Retro Rant #8

July 26th, 1995

You know, I just have the sneaking feeling that kids all across Australia are writing exactly the same thing as this but about John Howard with topical mentions of the Iraqi crisis. Personally I think I might have been the lone kid sitting at the back writing about how I hope we nuked the bastards.

French Bomb Testing

To Jacques Chirac,

You are a mass-murdering assasin who only continues testing so you can sell Bombs to the Arabs. You are the scum of the earth and should be executed by a war crimes firing squad. Because of you many French Owned Businesses are going out of business. I HATE YOU

We should lock you up in a cage on Mururoa on detonate the bombs in your underwear. Let's see you explain to the people of Tahiti or Australian when we grow 2 more legs, our eyes mutate and we turn into stupid old men oops... sorry I forgot you were like that.

Perhaps your parents did something wrong when you were growing up, like letting you breath. And is'nt it interesting that you are the only European Leader who favours rolling into Bosnia blowing the Crap out of everyone and leaving.

It was a pity that 4 innocent French People had to die when you are the one who should be burned at the stake, hung, drawn, quartered baked in an oven and shot. You are a facist pig who favours murdering everybody on earth.


TSP Retro Rant #7

Continuing our series of old school rants pulled from the archives of my Year 8 journal we have the exact same post that the NSW Greens stole their drug policy from. Honest.

Date unknown (early June 1995?)

Untitled rant.

I think that the drug laws are crud because people should be allowed to get smashed anywhere and anytime and the government or welfare groups, should'nt be able to do anything about it.

People say that druggies are uncontrolable and steal to support their habit, but half of the druggies will be dead in a few years anyway, so I think that less druggies will be on the streets in a few years.

Out of 400,000 people at Woodstock every single one of them was puffing on weed or tripping on acid and this was the greatest music festival of all time, and there was no violence.

In conclusion legalize drugs and bring back hippies.

Tuesday, 25 March 2003

TSP Retro Rant #6

Date Unknown (Late May 1995?)


Hello, my name is Arthur Tunstall and I am a plank, a racist person who thinks people who are in Wheelchairs should be shot. I am Old and Ridiculous and should retire at the first possible opportunity, but of course I won't because the rest of the board are probably more racist than I am.

But I won't be able to quite because I don't think anyone else would give me a job because they only give the gig of being KKK Grand wizard to members. Of course I could get a job at KFC but the little cook's hat might get in the way of my HUGE Head because I am such a great guy.

P.S I am 100 years old and have to go because my wheelchair has skipped a gear.

Arthur Tunstall - Card Carrying KKK member


TSP Retro Rant #5

Date unknown (May 95?)


Does the labour party know what money is? I dont think so, the way they spend it freely. Why dont they cut spending on ridiculous things like OOOOH Defence, why do we need to flog a Billion $ on something that we don't need anyway. Who is going to invade us? Tasmania, N.Z, P.N.G or oh no the big Antarctica and if these greasy scum in parliament really care about the country (Yeh, Right) they would take a pay cut and stop wasting their time appearing on TV and singing theme songs to ridiculous shows on Channel 2 or hanging around the local Club X (or bashing their wives).

And yes, leading it all is that hideous cross between an Italian Suit and a plank Paul Keating acting smug and thinking everybody likes him. HE IS A REJECTED DUD, A LITTLE MUMMY'S BOY AND HE SHOULD DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND DIE. But don't let this fool you that I like the Liberal party. THEY ARE TRANSVESTITES TOO.

And then their are the Greens & Democrats who can only get into the senate because a diseased Lima Bean could get elected to Australian Senate. All they ever do is block bills and annoy all us people.

NUKE CANBERRA AND START AGAIN (At least we don't have Newt Gingrich)

At least to her credit my teacher started spotting something wrong around this point (see the question mark next to the sentance linking the Liberals to transvestites?) Took her long enough.

Monday, 24 March 2003

TSP Retro Rant #4

Ummmm, topical? More like solid proof of what a disturbed child I was.

April 26, 1995

Nam And Other Wars with Anzac

1,2,3 What are we fighting for
Don't ask me I don't give a damn.
Next stop is Vietnam

I dont think we should glorify people who were in the First W.W because they wanted to fight but not like the people from the late 60's (Woodstock) and the early 70's who were carted off to Korea and Nam just to be blown away by People who are just the same but they are from another side. Politicians from that time were Fascist, Reactionary, Nazi, Right Wing extremist infadel dogs of war.

I don't give a stuff about people who wanted to go to war because they were gun toting members of the Nazi KKK party and just wanted to kill people for a few laffs.

I do feel sorry for people who got nuked because they were carted off to war by the affore mentioned Old Transvestites in Canberra.

I also dont think we should be in Rwanada or Bosnia because they are not our wars and if Aborigines started having wars with us I wouldn't want the Royal Nicaraguan Peacekeeping force helping us.

I did not celebrate Anzac because I am against war and think politicians who sent people to die in Nam should beheaded.

(P.S I am not Bruce Ruxton)

TSP Retro Rant #3

Date Unknown (Early April 1995 I think)

This one is my favourite. Ever.

GP Prostesters are Prix!

Yes its that time of the week again when people from All around Victoria except Albert Park turn up, stuff around and get arrested. all for the sake of trying to stop 4 days a year of easily avoided noise, so that -B-Grade actors and all around losers can get publicity for themselves.

Anyway, did you see the Anti-gp rally (Ha, Ha, Ha) half, no 3/4, no lets be serious all of the people at this rally were Socialist, Facist, Nazi anti-Kennett pigs.

So now the wheelchair olympics GP federation is going around the world to annoy people from London with their mindless drivel about pollution, oooh yeah and 100,000 cars a day would'nt stuff up the atmosphere would it?

Anyway they are a pack of proffesional protestors who threaten the majority of Albert Park residents.

They claim that 51% don't want the GP in Melbourne, this complete and utter bollocks, if 51% of people didn't want the GP (and the people who are protesting are just facist anti-Kennett anyway) why is Jeff Kennett kicking that other boring opposition leaders butt.

And anyway if this will kill the trees and murder everyone like they claim why do Monaco and Surfers get busier at GP Time


Sunday, 23 March 2003

TSP Retro Rant #2

March 8, 1995.

"Here's Johnny" (the song, not the Prime Minister) is about to take the world by storm and a young Adam is doing his first written entrance-test for the Canberra Press Gallery

! Mr Keating is a Nazi !

So the P.M has bought up the Republican issue in Parliament yet again, could this be anything to do with the fact that the Labour party is being massacred in the polls. It is yet another vote grabbing exercise by the tryhards in Canberra. I could pull a better government out of my hey, hey, hey.

I don't think it is a not good idea to become a republic because things have been the same for 200 years and we aren't all Barmy Army Manchester United fans who talk stupidly.

Well it's true, isn't it come on admit it you dont care do you, this is all political vote getting exercise.

But on the other hands are'nt you sick of Royal Scandals and stuff like that, I mean who Cares in Prince Charles bonked Camilla it's not he ever loved Diana anyway and if she want's to go have an affair good on her, the only people that save the royal family are Fergie & The Queen because they don't care what anybody says about them, they just get on with their lives.

Overall I don't think that Australia should become a Republic because some stand-up comedian could end up as PM (Paul Keating, Loser, Tryhard). I think I should be President because I would not give $ to other countries.
Well, speaking of TSP Retro week (I just decided it was that) the motherlode has been discovered. There are 14 of these bastards, so expect two a day for the next week. FEAR!

During Years 7 and 8 I went to a school where you were issued with a 'journal' that you were expected to write something in once a week and present it to the teacher. I may be the last person left from that era who actually still has theirs, and that's because there's so much golden material contained within. Sure, contributions from the first year are pretty awful - but I hadn't fully developed into spiteful little bastard by then. There are plenty of pages missing which might have contained words of wisdom (or might have been total bollox), but what's left mostly consists of failed ideas for Itchy and Scratchy plots - a craze which swept my part of the nation during 1994. Highlights include "Itchy and Scratchy Show #2 - Ye Olde England Epic", with it's key plotline "Scratchy is the king of England and Itchy is some guy who wants to kill him". Which is sort of like the plot of Reservoir Dogs if you look sideways and are tripping on acid. Surprisingly enough all these horridly violent fantasies about animals disembowlling each other recieved much praise from my teacher. Which just goes to show how screwed up education is in this country, in the US I would have been shipped off to military school for writing some of this crap.

Anyway, things really got going when I went slightly off the psychological deep-end during Year 8. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the very first TSP Retro Rant from sometime in February 1995. An era when The Cranberries and Celine Dion were jockeying for number one in the charts with the Real McCoy and the hopes of a nation were at an all time low. Please forgive any spelling mistakes and punctuation debacles, I didn't have the passing knowledge of the English language that I do now.

TSP Retro Rant #1


I think that it's OK to have hair a little below the collar, but the guy with long hair looked ridiculous, he was more like Jimi Hendrix then someone from the 90's.

It wasn't as much the length of his hair than the wideness of it, it was huge he was like an AFRO Man from the 70's. If the school want's to set guidelines on hair, so they should, it's their school and shouldn't be run by the students because they are'nt the ones who run the joint. If They want to look like Jimi Hendrix they should do it in the holidays.

Anyway why does he need so much hair? does he conceal weapons in it or something, and I dont think he should be released just because he is a straight +A students, the rules should be the same for everybody or nobody at all.

It is riduclous to let Kiddies grown their haird that wide, a big wind and they would take off, Birds would flock to sleep in his hair, hairbrushes would be lost.

All in all it is a ridiculous idea and anyone who is for it is a Reactionary Nazi Facist, so there are my opinions if you don't like him thats your problem.

And after all that madness the teacher actually wrote "excellent" at the bottom. No bloody wonder I turned out like this...
Melbourne-based readers may remember Channel 7's failed attempt at reality television "The Club" that screened during 2002. The premise was that they created a football team from scratch and unleashed them and their offbeat shenanigans on a suburban footy league. Relatively speaking it didn't do too badly actually - they won a premiership and the program rated quite well. The problem was that it cost too much to make considering they couldn't sell it to the Sydney market and so it got the arse at the end of last season.

Anyway, the point to all this reminiscing is that I've been looking through tons of old documents that are lying around my flat and I'll be posting a few of them for comedy value over the next couple of weeks. The first one is proof that Channel 7 missed a great opportunity to pick somebody for their show that would have ensured it ended up seen by millions worldwide...

I thought my covering letter that said I hadn't played footy for years but once kicked the greatest goal in the history of the sport (a bicycle kick from 40 meters out sports fans) would have ensured international superstardom but alas it wasn't to be. They picked some questionable looking duds, none of them did anything for the ratings and we all know the end result. Greg Miller is now CEO of Richmond - this has nothing to do with the fact that I picked them to run last this season. Honestly.

And doesn't the signature look suspiciously like it says "Brett Lee"? CONSPIRACY ON!

Saturday, 22 March 2003

Dear fans of quality blog (what are you doing here?),

I am still alive, there's no need to send out search parties. Just trying to avoid missing two days of posting in a row and being declared legally dead.

You know, my job now involves telling people why public transport isn't arriving if something goes wrong. Like, say a war protest? Well, i've noticed a slight trend in the last three days.

Thursday: Everybody downs tools and protests in the city. Traffic is disrupted and angry commuters complain a lot.
Friday: Everybody downs tools and protests in the city. Traffic is disrupted and angry commuters complain a lot.
Saturday: No protests because everyone is busy enjoying their day off.

Come Monday I'm sure it's going to be action stations and placard waving for all again. Weak!

Thursday, 20 March 2003

Well apparently it's war on. What else can I say that hasn't already been covered ad-nauseum in the 24/7 radio/tv/internet coverage that's going at the moment. How about a personal address to the nation?

For those of you who are anti-war: Calm down now, it's started and there's nothing you or any of us can do to stop it. You all hated France when they were blowing up the South Pacific, how does their refusal to get involved in this conflict suddenly make them heroes?

For those of you are are pro-war: If (when?) we start winning don't come on the net posting "I told you so" rubbish. People are going to die in this conflict, and even if they're the enemy it's nothing to celebrate.

I think Howard just stuffed up and said "Israel" instead of "Iraq" during his speech. Whoops! Maybe he's just softening us up for the inevitable moment when an American bomb hits the wrong country.

Wednesday, 19 March 2003

Every year when footy season rolls around I start to get nostalgic. To fully explain what exactly this annual trip back in time consists of we must first delve into a pointless flashback sequence explaining how I came to be a Melbourne fan. Ready?

(Cue pissy flashback music)

The year was 1988. Australians (most of them anyway) were celebrating the bicentennary, Bobby McFerrin was a major recording artist and a young Adam was searching for a new team to follow.

Having lived right in the heart of Hawthorn, just a few minutes from the Glenferrie Oval, ever since birth he has finally rebelled against the annual parade of brown and gold that seemed to appear everywhere whenever September came around. So, the long and painful selection process for a new team began. It makes it hard to find a compelling reason to align yourself to anyone in particular when you've just turned your back on your local team who also happen to be the one of the most successful sides in league history. Brief and unsuccesful experimentation with most sides in the competition ensued. Days spent trying to love North Melbourne, Collingwood, Fitzroy and even once West Coast - purely for shock value - were roundly unsuccessful. As the season drew to a close it looked as if I faced the choice between staying with the Hawks or following another sport unless I learnt to love someone bloody quickly.

It was all the fault of an older woman, as it usually is in these matters. Some ten-year-old lass who lived next door suggested that as it was Grand Final week I might wish to jump on-board her rising (settle down) team of youngsters. I wasn't convinced - even at an early age I didn't like the idea of being a bandwagon supporter - so I watched the game with a keen interest, to see if these people I was considering making a life long commitment to were worthy. They lost by 96 points, it's still the record losing margin in a Grand Final (though we gave it a tilt in 2000). That was it for me, I was in love.

Despite all that I never actually managed to cart my ass to a game until 1992. I think it was a 13-point win against Brisbane. My sudden interest in the game coincided nicely with the explosion onto the scene of Allen Jakovich. In the last 14 games of that season he kicked 71 goals - nobody had kicked their first 50 league goals quicker since John Coleman and they may never again. He went within a couple of goals of winning both the seniors and reserves goalkicking awards in the same year. Notable Jakovich-assisted massacres that season included 8 goals against Sydney, 7 against Carlton, 6 against West Coast and the coup-de-grace, an 11 goal haul against North that included a bicycle kick expertly taken in front of the rubble which eventually became the great Southern Stand. Of course he ended up getting fat(ter), more indisciplined and injury prone so we did the natural thing and flogged him off to the Bulldogs where he did squat and ended up fleeing to live on a prawn trawler off the coast of Western Australia. Nobody's seen him for years, but he's still my favourite player of all time. Farmer and Robertson have tried to emulate him since - they're both legends but they're no Jakovich.

I've seen Melbourne blow a 46 point lead in the last quarter and lose by a point to a goal after the siren, I've seen them beat the top sides and lose to the strugglers. I've personally asked Tony Modra not to kick 10 on a freezing Friday night at the MCG and he's gone out and done just that.

(End pissy flashback music)

Of course I miss all other the legends like Stynes, Grinter, Febey (both), Lovett (both), Lyon and Tingay - and I'll even look favourably towards those who have legged to other clubs for the cash (Farmer) or who we've shafted (Woewodin) but the ones I miss most of are those who drifted in for a few games or a few seasons and then disappeared off the face of the earth again. To other clubs, to the unemployment line and in one case to the NFL. This is an incomplete list of those long lost icons;

Ben Beams, Darren Bennett, Adrian Campbell, Tony Campbell, Nick Carter, Alistair Clarkson, Matthew Collins, Darren Cuthbertson, Kevin Dyson, Simon Eishold, Phil Gilbert, Andy Goodwin, Brent Heaver, Jeff Hilton, Paul Hopgood, John Howat, Anthony Ingerson, Dean Irving, Ricky Jackson, Rod Keogh, Darren Kowal, Andrew Lamprill, Troy Longmuir, Andy Lovell, Leigh Newton, Jason Norrish, Steven O'Dwyer, Andrew Obst, Trent Ormond-Allen, Michael Pickering, Paul Prymke, Robert Pyman, Haydn Robins, Peter Rohde, Clay Sampson, Marcus Seecamp, Jamie Shanahan, Troy Simmonds, Shaun Smith, Craig Smoker, Earl Spalding, Steven Stretch, Brian Stynes, Chris Sullivan, Jay Viney, Sean Wight, Graeme Yeats

Players I do NOT miss - Scott Chisholm, either Cockatoo-Collins brother Brent Grgic, Darren Gaspar (because they were all shite), Wayne Lamb (because I remember him single handedly costing us a game against Sydney when I was still an impressionable youngster), Steven Powell (because he's scum) and Martin Pike (because he's done quite well for himself with three premierships since).

I miss Fitzroy, I miss the Brisbane Bears and their single digit Melbourne cheer-squad. I miss calling Footscray and North Melbourne by their real names. I'm already starting to miss the Ponsford Stand. As much as I hated the place then I'm missing Waverley Park. It's just not the same anymore - you know something is wrong when you can say that as a 21-year-old.

So, another season is upon us. Whoever you follow (unless it's the scum) I hope it's a rewarding one for you and your team. Me? I'll be cheering on today's heroes like Neitz and Yze and secretly wishing that Phil Gilbert and John Howat were lining up beside them.

UPDATE - At the risk of making this look even more like a self-indulgent wankfest here's a top 5 of my most memorable moments.

5 - Beating Richmond by 121 points in 1993. Jakovich and Lovell with 8 goals each.
4 - Jeff Farmer's mark against Richmond in Round 22, 1998
3 - Jakovich's 11 against North.
2 - The perfect game in Round 2, 1998 against North. We took a shock eight goal lead, choked badly and then won in a thriller.
1 - Beating North Melbourne to make the 2000 Grand Final.

Bloody hell, this is my longest post ever. If I was Nick Hornby they'd already be turning into a movie.
Middle East crisis, day #35356. Still no war. Damn.

We did, however, get a minor taste of the duststorm our boys face in the gulf here in Melbourne today. All that it lacked for a true Baghdad Experience (tm) was the shooting at funny looking foreigners and a few stray missiles stacking into hospitals, foreign embassies and an aspirin factory.

Being cynical is so easy at the moment.

Monday, 17 March 2003

Rivalries in sport are all very nice, but what do you when your team has nobody? Any combination of Essendon/Collingwood/Carlton will do nicely for a blockbuster game, you can throw in Richmond too if you want. Freo/West Coast and Port v. Adelaide have obvious bragging rights issues attached to them as well, but what about the other 8 teams in the league - are we destined to walk this life alone without anybody to look forward to beating twice a season?

Well, i'm looking to change this for my team at least. Melbourne has a rivalry with Collingwood dating back many years, but I think that it's fairly one-sided. Our fans might look forward to playing them but they've got blockbusters against Essendon and Carlton to think about rather than some team who hasn't won anything in years. In the early-mid 90's we had a bit of a feud going with West Coast because we had a Jakovich, they had a Jakovich (ours was better), Chris Lewis bit Todd Viney and most games between the two encompassed some kind of melee - and then there was that debacle involving Peter 'bloody' Matera all but signing for us and then changing his fragile little mind at the last minute and staying in Perth but that's all over now so I'm proposing that we officially adopt St. Kilda as our hated blood rivals. I've been doing it since 1998 and it never fails to liven up what is otherwise a fairly nondescript fixture.

It all started for me during the 1998 finals when thanks to the shithouse unusual Ticketmaster system of seat allocation I ended up next to the entire St. Kilda cheersquad. Now, these were the typical toothless bogans you find in most cheersquads but they took it so much further. Their risky strategy of claiming victory when their team opened up a 20 point lead in the second quarter backfired when we made a storming comeback and went home 41 point winners (I had to look it up, i'm not that sad). Not before Barry Hall had executed what would be known in the WWE as a "flying knee drop" on poor little Matthew Febey. "He's faking it!" cried the bogans as Febey writhed around on the turf with the imprint of a knee plastered across his face. Hall eventually got suspended for two weeks, I would have given him life. Not before Jeff Farmer had taken a screamer in the goalsquare just a couple of meters and was greeted with calls of "what a fucking fluke, you're shit" (His four goals for the day would argue otherwise) and not before some toothless old hag had turned to the 10-year-old kid next to me and said "why don't you follow a real fucking team". I found it ironic that anyone who follows a team that has one won premiership in 107 years can seriously refer to themselves as a 'real' team but she was quite large so I restrained myself from commenting.

So, Melbourne won. We lost the prelim final the next Friday night to North. Stan Alves got sacked as St. Kilda coach and for reasons still not entirely clear to anyone Tim Watson was appointed in his place.

The next ultimate clash between the teams came in round 2 the next season at Waverley. Suffice to say we were useless and despite a stirring third-quarter comeback went home 46 point losers (Matthew Febey best on ground for the good-guys, for those who are taking score). During that fateful third-quarter I was engaging in another one of my rants about how shit Scott Chisholm was, and how we should never have signed him when some old fart told me to shut up. Now readers, you should know that I was seriously mentally ill for the first half (at least) of 1999 which is a good explanation for the utterly ridiculous crack I made about him being a good candidate for voluntary euthanasia. Suffice to say it almost ended with me being smeared across most of Artic Park, which would probably have been less than I deserved. Incidentally that was the game where useless Scotty Chisholm was racially abused by that well-known drug user idiot Spider Everitt.

It's been hard to maintain the rage in the last few years with all my most hated criminals leaving them - Hall, Heatley and Everitt and having to sit through Sean Charles' painful comeback to the game. Nevertheless I put it to you that this is the rivalry we should be concentrating on for the upcoming season. Forget Collingwood/Carlton, i'm doing my best to make sure Melbourne vs the Scum is going to be the biggest blockbuster clash on the AFL calendar. Remember, we now have the chance to pay back that ungreatful shit Steven Powell for running out on us because we wouldn't offer enough cash. Rememeber who payed your wages when you were sitting on your ass for a year injured and smoking dope (allegedly)? Well, hopefully after this game he'll be on Workcover for a few more years.

Round 13
Saturday, June 28th - Melbourne vs. St. Kilda (MCG, 2.10pm)

We only get one chance to embarass them this year, so make sure you're there to see it!

Sunday, 16 March 2003

Did somebody say there was an election around the corner?

The NSW government will maintain its push for Australia to host the World Cup despite FIFA's plan for South America to stage it 2014

I can just see FIFA changing all their plans because Bob Carr tells them to. And he's going to win again too (the election, not the world cup), what a rort.

Create your own election campaign press release,

The (insert political party) are calling for (insert sporting body name) to give (insert city name) the right to host the (insert year) (insert appropriate sporting event).

EG: The One Nation Party are calling for the International Cockfighting League to give Dubbo the right to host the 2003 World Series of Cock.

Try your own!
Speaking of trivia nights, I must tell the story of the night where I experienced what has come to be known as "The Great Trivia Robbery of 2001".

The quizmaster was a Victorian MP (although he might have lost/retired before the last election, as if I care), nobody would tell us who the questions were written by and the hosts won (which pretty much tells you who wrote the bloody questions). Now, I'm sure these kind of rorts go on all over the world - heck I've even been the recipient of one night with a highly dubious amount of questions about pro wrestling - but in most cases they're smart enough to cover their tracks to avoid suspicion from all but the most mistrustful and paranoid (ie - me).

We lost by half a point, and were ripped off twice.

1) Q: What is the oldest golf course in the world?
We answered with the full title of "The Royal and Ancient St. Andrews" and were denied because the answer was just "St. Andrews". BASTARDS.

and then,

2) Q: What was the name of Jesse Martin's boat?
Real Answer: Lionheart
Their Answer? Mistral

When we questioned this they (yes those people who coincidentally won the competition) told us that we were quite stupid and that it was written on the side of the boat for the whole world to see. Even when we pointed out that it was probably written down the side of his boat because Mistral were his FUCKING PERSONAL SPONSOR no points were directed at us. WHAT A RORT.

The zany "bonus point" round is always a thorny one, because it always looks to me like an exercise in letting the shit teams a few points so they feel better about being dumbasses. On this night we suffered at the hands of our crooked quiztosser, with CERTAIN teams recieving megapoints for doing a banal rendition of "Happy Birthday" in the singing round while we got next to nothing for a stirring interpretation of "The Stonecutters Song" from the Simpsons.

There, I've vented. Don't I sound a bit like the dickhead who got banned?

Friday, 14 March 2003

Speaking of government (sort of) I saw yet another anti-war protest in Federation Square tonight. This is the third one I've been near now, it's getting beyond a joke. Nothing important to report on this one, just the usual 500 people venting their frustrations at society. The only good thing I saw was the really old and crusty bus parked (illegally) outside that belonged to the Socialist Alliance. Now, I may not be a world leading environmentalist but you can't tell me that a 20-year-old combivan is actually going to contribute to the greenhouse situation. Then as I travelled on I realised that all these people who purport to be both pro-green and anti-war really don't have any idea at all. Right the way up Swanston Street you see graffiti and paper stuck everywhere slagging off the war - hardly environmentally friendly protest is it? It's a shame that a few dickheads spoil it for the people who actually practice what they preach, but I guess that's what happens when you're part of a cause that has every rent-a-crowd in the world on it's bandwagon.

PS - Suggest anti-protestor headline? "Sympathy for the Devil" - go on you pro-war types you know you want to use it.

Wednesday, 12 March 2003

Well, well, well doesn't fate work in strange ways? Just a couple of hours after renouncing cricket I was down at the Post Office collecting one of the 50 runners-up prizes from the KFC Memorable Moments competition that was running during this past summer of cricket.

It's a framed bat with pictures of the moments set around it. All very attractive, although it's not signed by anyone (probably to stop you flogging it on ebay). Not exactly sure how I was in the running, considering how my selections (World Series Cricket, Warney's hat-trick and Bevan's last ball heroics) ran 1st, 7th and 8th in the final reckoning. I think I must have gotten closer than almost everyone else, either that or nobody actually entered the contest.

Allegedly some bogan from Darwin won the trip to the West Indies, but I'd probably get bashed by Merv Hughes if I went on that so it's just as well really.

Once I've had the opportunity to get some snaps of me piss-farting around with the prize done i'll post them on here. Until then you'll have to make do with a scan (46k) of the letter KFC sent me with it.

So, on this hallowed occasion let me just say that

* Richie Benaud is god.
* The Cricketers Box was the greatest single marketing idea in the history of sports/television/fast-food
* And that there was absolutely nothing wrong with that ad where the slips cordon appeals when the batsman was clearly bowled.

Two competition wins in two weeks, I'm on fire at the moment.

Tuesday, 11 March 2003

Maybe it makes me look like some kind of easty snob (in that case i'd like to add about three 0's to my bank account balance and move out of a flat for the first time in my life thanks) but i've never understood the national obsession with camping.

Didn't ancient man work his ass off to get the hell out of living amongst nature? If they'd invented the grave then he'd be turning in it.

Maybe it's bad memories of avoiding perverted teachers at shonky school camps but everytime somebody mentions the prospect of a camping trip to me I run a mile. I will not go anywhere that doesn't have direct access to the latest technologies, and if that means never going to Tasmania then that's the price i'm willing to pay.

As a very posh relation of mine said once in a rare sober moment, "the only stars I sleep under are five stars". Amen to that, even if the closest I ever get is a shonky pay-by-the-hour motel in Eltham.
Cricketers = weak crybabies, and not a blonde haired chucker in sight either.

SLEDGING reached a new low in cricket when a Sydney first grade match was deemed a forfeit when two opening batsmen walked off in disgust after just 10 balls.

Openers Nathan Pilon, the NSW reserve keeper, and Nathan Catalano faced just 1.4 overs in St George's second innings against Parramatta on Saturday before leaving Hurstville Oval "shaken".

Good, they deserve to lose then for being such crybabies. What's the worst that could have been said? "We're going to kill you in the carpark afterwards"? Wow, that's scary. Especially knowing that no semi-professional player with aspirations of Shield cricket is actually going to follow through on the threat. What would these idiots have done in an amateur match when there's every chance that the promised violence would actually take place? I can't even begin to catalogue the times I've been threatened with grievous bodily harm on the sporting field (in a game which has an award winning track record of degenerating into a brawl) by people who look like they've just got out of jail and it doesn't bother me.

I suggest they take up something more to their liking like Chess instead. Sad, sad, sad.

Monday, 10 March 2003

Well, what a pointless public holiday that was.

For want of anything better to do with the day I decided to make the most of my employee free travel pass. It all started quite sensibly with a trip out to Williamstown Beach, that was all very lovely but I made a fatal mistake stopping at Spencer Street on my way home. It was there I noticed a train to Sale leaving in five minutes. To be honest I didn't even know where Sale was before today, I sure as hell do now. Three hours later I arrived to find a closed station, a carpark and not much else. I erred in not getting off one or two stops earlier in Morwell or Traralgon (mainly because I was worried i'd never get out of there) where the stations were right in the middle of the, admittedly small, town centre.

If i'd taken something to write with/on, or my laptop I probably would have concieved and written my first novel (obviously enough to be titled "Honk If You Hate Brett Lee") by the end.

What did I see? Ummmm, some power stations and the Drouin golf course would be about the extent of it. However some bogan did serenade me with a craptacular version of "After Midnight" between Glenferrie and Camberwell.

I have another two days off, and I can't see myself taking anymore wacky trips, so expect plenty of quality bloggage (stop laughing at the back) then.

Sunday, 9 March 2003

I'm guessing by the number of search requests hits i'm getting for it that there's rumors about a celebrity sex video involving a former Sydney Roosters international player. Any guesses from league literate readers?

Then there was this...

09 Mar, Sun, 15:23:48
Google: "Andrew Johns" donkey

How the two are connected i'm not sure, but there's something pretty rotten going on in the NRL by the sounds of it.
Bermuda Triangle
It makes people disappear
Bermuda Triangle
Don't go too near
But she
Doesn't see my angle
And she thinks I'm being dumb
So Bermuda Triangle
Here we come!

My other nomination in the category of "unbelievably bad lyrics" comes from David Brent's favourite philosopher Des'ree

I don't wanna see a ghost, it's the sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast, watch the evening news

Any others?

Saturday, 8 March 2003

I got caught in the middle of ANOTHER anti-war wankfest today. You'd almost start to think that I cared about the war. It was fairly stereotypical, bogans in Che Guevara t-shirts and Nike shoes waving placards and singing (yes singing) touching songs about prominent political figures.

Comically enough they lost the goodwill of most of the public by ruining public transport services down Swanston Street and stopping people getting to the GP.

I would have suggested to them that if they'd spent more time trying to get people not to vote for John Howard at the last Federal Election then they might not be in the position they are now. Then I remembered that Beazley would have caved in to the Americans in an equally quick fashion had he been PM and noticed that they didn't exactly seem like peace-friendly people (they went off when some guy pulled a US flag out from the onlookers) so I shut up.

Thursday, 6 March 2003

Even if he never does anything else in his life, Finn Bradshaw from Melbourne's free daily newspaper MX has won a place in the TSP Hall-of-Fame for two of his "Six questions about the Super Six" article in today's edition.

Will Australia accept that Brett Lee is its sixth-best one-day bowler?

"Lee improved enormously at the end of the VB Series, but appears to again confuse pace with ability. Jason Gillespie was arguably Australia's best bowler at the World Cup before he broke down (continuing his convincing Bruce Reid impersonation); Andy Bichel has taken the third-best one-day figures; and Glenn McGrath is Glenn McGrath. Even Brad Hogg and Darren Lehmann are more valuable, and less expensive than Lee."

How can anyone beat Australia?

"Allow Lee to bowl as many bouncers as he likes - then you'll get six hookable balls an over."

Don't tell me that the media bandwagon is starting to grind to a halt and people are realising that he's shit? All other commentators please form an orderly queue to renounce your past sins.

Fox Sports headline - Lee: I may never bowl again.

Cue much breaking out of champagne and celebrating in the Project household. Then...

NEW South Wales all-rounder Shane Lee gives himself little chance of playing cricket for his country again because of a debilitating knee injury.

WHY GOD WHY? How can you take the good brother away from us and leave the evil one?
One of the major advantages to having Foxtel is that you can see World's Strongest Man/Woman/Geriatric competitions almost 24 hours a day if you want. The best thing is how when the contempory tournaments have all been shown to death ESPN raid the archives and show the 80's contests in all their tight-shorted, bad hair, roided to the eyeballs glory.

Last night (Tuesday for those who are keeping score), in the ads of the intellectual programming I was absorbing, I was lucky enough to catch the tail-end of an 85ish clash where a man coincidentally named OD and jacked to eyeballs on not-quite-legal pharmaceuticals lost out to your stereotypically large Scandanavian in the final event, informally known as "carrying an f'ing huge boulder around in a circle". It ruled. Nothing, however, beats the women's circuit for sheer class and excitement. Sadly it seems nobody realised there were any strong women before about 1999 because there's far less classics available in their division.

The greatest contest I ever saw was on ESPN after this year's Superbowl. The babelicious Heivi Koinonen of Finland narrowly failed to beat some horse-faced American bint with fake breasts larger than some of the male competitors heads. That wasn't what made it a classic though, no no no. What elevated it to that status was the disproportionate time spent concentrating on the failures of some poor Welsh housewife who was no good at anything. When Heivi effortlessly lifted the car our hero couldn't even manage to get it off the stand. When the American bint and her pneumatic breasts were hauling massive rocks around with no trouble she was grimacing in pain just trying to get the things airborne. It was compulsory viewing, and a whole bunch of us sat around willing her to pull out some massive fluke and overtake the equally useless French Canadian woman who was sharing the foot of the table with her.

Alas it was not to be, as puzzled Malaysian locals looked on, she huffed, puffed, stumbled and dropped enough things to ensure a last-place finish. Never matter, even though nobody can remember her name she'll always have a special place in the hearts and minds of all fans who saw her brave but useless performance that day.

PS - I realise that even though her performance was crap she'd probably still be quite capable of snapping my puny neck like a twig if provoked. However i'm confident that my girl Heivi would surely kick her ass and defend my honor like the award winning tank that she is.

Wednesday, 5 March 2003

I presume from the number of idealistic schoolkiddies in the city this afternoon that today was the official "wag school if you're against war" wankfest. [Presumption correct] By my calculations that only 10% of the ones who don't go to school actually show up to the protest (the rest are presumably off injecting illicit substances and mugging old grannies) Victoria's schools must have been quite empty today. I'm sure this was fair excuse to open the liquor cabinet and get hammered for the teachers at my old school.

An even better sight than hordes of uptight school kids was that of notorious electoral bungler Robert Dean standing at the traffic lights opposite Parliament House looking forlornly towards his old workplace. He was probably going in to do something for one of the five or six remaining Liberal MP's or to organise the forklift to pick up his massive superannuation payout but i'd prefer to think he had been standing there all day waiting for somebody to recognise him and say "Ahh Robert, we're having a parliamentary crisis - you're the only man who can save us now". See, even though he pretty much cost us the election i'm still looking out for his interests.

Back later with much bloggage on a subject very important to me.

Monday, 3 March 2003

Soft Drink multinational are paying bloggers to flog their new drink. At this point let me remind you that we are in no way bound by cash for comment and if they write me a sizeable cheque then I will be more than happy to say whatever they like about whatever crap they're trying to sell.

Let's do a test run,

Dr. Pepper does NOT taste like the Ebola virus in liquid form, and I WOULD be happy to drink it without a shotgun being pointed at my genitalia.

There, that was easy. Now please address all cash payments to Adam S. Project at the usual address.
Wasn't it great to see Andy Bichel, the bowler so often shafted from his rightful place in the team to fit the marketing tool in, rip through the English top-order last night? Of course the English tail-order starts with the openers so it's not like doing it against a legit Super Six side like say for arguments sake Kenya, but if you-know-who had done it the newspapers would carry front page reports of what a great Australian he is and ponder when he is going to be appointed Australia's first President.

No, let's hail Andy Bichel for the genius he is while we can because when Jason Gillespie returns from injury there'll be no place for the Queenslander in the Aussies two prongs and a dickhead pace attack.

It's no wonder Lee chooses to wear #57, because that's roughly what he concedes every ten overs of a One Day game. And on that note i'm prepared to put it in writing that if Bichel gets dropped for him in the next game I will never EVER follow the Australian cricket side again as long as I live. Believe it.
I like Melbourne. That may seem like an extremely obvious thing to say when I've lived here for all my 21 years but it wasn't always so. In the late 80's when I was but a smaller version of the bitter and twisted individual you see before you now I always pledged to get the hell out of Victoria and move to somewhere more interesting. Then I got over it.

My favourite building in all of Melbourne is the Arts Centre. Some heathens hate it, but they're the type of people who complain about everything. For those of you with a limited knowledge of our city it's the building with the pointy thing on top. Has that cleared it up? Good, let's continue.

I love the idea of a really thin building that has lots of levels above and below ground. I was in there today when I was supposed to be working and I noticed that the street level is actually the sixth floor. How cool is that? Extremely as far as I'm concerned.

There's not really much more to say, I just wanted to make the world aware that even if nobody else loves the Arts Centre I do. Respect!

Sunday, 2 March 2003

Right then, as promised (maybe not, I can't remember) i've crunched the numbers and come up with a predicted final ladder for the upcoming AFL season. Here goes nothing.

Oh, and if I rank your team poorly then bad luck i'm ranking my own team 11th and my most hated enemies 5th so you can tell this isn't biased (just clueless).

1 - Port Adelaide
2 - Brisbane
3 - Adelaide
4 - Geelong
5 - St. Kilda
6 - Collingwood
7 - Hawthorn
8 - Fremantle
9 - West Coast
10 - Essendon
11 - Melbourne
12 - North Melbourne
13 - Footscray
14 - Sydney
15 - Carlton
16 - Richmond

Port Adelaide to beat Brisbane in the GF.
Peter Bell (Fremantle) to win the Brownlow
Matthew Lloyd (Essendon) to be a one man team and win the Coleman

Come back in September when all above predictions have been proven false. I will then develop a case of amnesia that Carmen Lawrence would be proud of and refuse to acknowledge this post ever existed.
I unfortunately had to venture to the disaster by the docklands again last night for the Melbourne/North Melbourne Wizard Cup debacle. Both teams were awful, but sadly Melbourne were worse and our out of the pre-season competition.

However, there was more than the game to whinge about - which always makes me happy. The scoreboard takes the direct feed from Channel 9 but plasters a massive "TELSTRA DOME" logo over the score/time box in the top left corner, thus rendering the entire scoreboard fugly. And it was also the first time i've ever been rained on whilst indoors - a big hand to the idiot who decided to put nothing between gate-style fencing and a section of the seats. Foolish.

Sure Melbourne and North are two of the lowest drawing teams in the AFL, but you can't really blame those who didn't show up (and the 10,113 who did should get a fricking endurance medal) because it's such a god awful place.

I dare not check the fixture to see the next time I have to go there, but pleeeeeeeeeeeeease let those be all the games I miss through working.

In conclusion - North Melbourne bad, Melbourne worse, Telstra Dome absolutely shithouse.