I feel the need to confess a strange and bizarre fetish. No it’s not some deeply suspicious sexual practice involving asparagus, it’s about a country. For some unexplained reason I’ve always been a huge mark for East Germany.
Before we start I’d like to point out that as a lifelong capitalist pig I’m not
actually sticking up for the evil shit that went on there, I’m aware that
people mysteriously disappearing after being spied on by their grandmother is
hardly an ideal society to be living in, and I shouldn’t think I would have
enjoyed living there myself but bad luck I like it anyway.
things first - DDR is the most attractive short-form national description ever.
Bar none. CCCP is just too long and democratic nations tend to stick to deathly
boring “first three letters of country name” versions. North Korea’s “DPK” is
the best going around at the moment.
an era where national anthems bore
most of us to death the reds came
up with one that made you want to go totally totalitarian on somebody’s
ass. In all fairness the West German one is pretty jaunty too but it doesn’t
make me want to denounce my math teacher to the STASI for not adhering to
another plus. Eschewing the boring and simple hammer and sickle design of the
USSR they instead opted for a hammer/compass/grain combination that looks as if
it would have destroyed any kid who tried to draw it for a school project.
Here it is in all it’s glory,
so raise that if it was socially acceptable and didn’t totally stand for a
repressive regime that enslaved thousands. If the devil gets the best music he
also scores the most stylish countries as well.
dictators may not have been attractive - far from it in fact -
but their lawmakers had some sense of occasion. The national constitution, as
useful as such a thing is in a dictatorship, declared the country a “Republic
of Workers and Peasants”. Beautiful wording. Shits over anything John Howard
ever came up in the way of a preamble. Not only that but their military parades
were so much more restrained than the Russian equivalents - no need to show off
by rolling ICBM’s down the street. Just a tank and some perfectly choreographed
soldiers will do thanks.
got to retrospectively love the Wall (only after it came down of course). But
I’m prepared to concede that for the full experience it was probably better to
approach it from the Western side where you could get up close and personal and
do whatever you liked with it without the clear and present danger of being
shot in the back. So we’ll give that one to their opposition. Speaking of walls
who amongst us doesn’t see those documentaries about life behind the iron
curtain and secretly admire the decor?
STASI may have been an evil police force featuring some of the dodgiest people
of the 20th century but what an acronym. What other murderous
government agency can boast a better name? KGB, CIA, Mossad. Pissweak one and
all. Poland’s was called the UB for god’s sake - there’s no fear radiating
around that. Until they kicked your door down and put you to work on a state
farm you probably would have thought they made ice cream. Stasi, on the other
hand, trips right off the tongue AND gently whispers ‘terror’ in your ear at
the same time. Then there’s the cars that you had to apply three years in
advance to buy! Stick the Ford Falcon bring back the Trabant and the Lada (Russian, but who cares?)
who will ever forget those man-beast female athletes they used to produce?
Years before the Chinese women’s swimming team came up with the genius idea of
getting on the gear and coming to the pool looking like the forward pack of the
Brisbane Broncos the ‘ladies’ of the East were packing a giant set of testicles
and suspiciously clean drug test samples. My favourite was the one woman
wrecking ball Kristen Otto and her six gold medal haul in Seoul. Of course it’s
only ALLEGED that she was on the gear - and has claimed she never knowingly
used any performance enhancing substances but you can make your own mind up
there. Level playing field and Australia’s rampage of gold be buggered I want
my junked up Germans back. There was a similar man-beast from Hungary - but
nobody cares about Hungary.
in conclusion. An evil country yes. But sexy at the same time. German
Democratic Republic - we salute you.
Yes, it’s probably better described as authoritatian but that wouldn’t have
made as good a headline.