Thursday, 20 January 2005

Shite FM (Part One)

The completely random countdown that Triple M has been running for weeks has already been the source of some commentary but from what I heard of it today I’m ready to declare the whole operation a complete farce. I heard some of what counts for (in their words) ” THE 2005 BEST SONGS ever written and recorded since the beginning of time” today and I was pissing myself. I’ve got no idea where they’re going with this angle but it’s got me worried. Can Triple M get any worse? It looks like it. I sense a conspiracy across the network as their equally shite stablemate Fox FM have launched some dumbass new logo that looks as if it was designed by one of their teenybopper scum listeners.

I demand a public apology from those of you who sledged the TSP 1000. This 2500 thing is the most Kreas (Greek, lit. “meat”, col. “rubbish”, “waste of space”) Kountdown I’ve ever seen in my life. Check out the highlights of their “best songs ever written”. Is it supposed to be in order? I have no idea. Meanwhile they’ve rigged their website so if you cut and paste the songs it looks shit. Shifty. Some of us aren’t so easily deterred.

2004 - Joyride - Roxette
2003 - Fanfare For The Common Man - Emerson, Lake and Palmer
1996 - Because I Got High - Afroman
1986 - Dancing In The Moonlight - Top Loader
1983 - Galveston - Glen Campbell
1974 - Mona - Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2
1945 - Sunglasses At Night - Corey Hart
1941 - Who Let The Dogs Out - Baha Men
1935 - Calling Your Name - Marilyn
1917 - Don’t Leave Me This Way - Communards
1905 - Shaddap Your Face - Joe Dolce.
1895 - Together In Electric Dreams - Phil Oakley and Giorgio Moroder
1873 - Rich Girl - Hall and Oates
1857 - Slave To The Rhythm - Grace Jones
1854 - Happy Birthday Helen - Things of Stone and Wood
1849 - Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
1839 - Jukebox In Siberia - Skyhooks
1837 - I’m On My Way - The Proclaimers
1833 - Hey, St. Peter - Flash And The Pan
1832 - Money’s Too Tight To Mention - Simply Red
1831 - Bloke - Chris Franklin (must have killed them not to make that #1)
1800 - Politics of Dancing - Re-Flex
1794 - I’ve Got To Go Now - Toni Childs
1776 - A Little Less Conversation - Elvis vs JXL
1775 - Abacab - Genesis
1771 - Gangsta’s Paradise - Coolio
1767 - Oh Yeah - Yello
1709 - Smalltown Boy - Bronski Beat (Their listeners would bash themselves for listening to this)
1704 - Sea Of Love - The Honeydrippers
1691 - Kids - Robbie Williams and Kylie
1687 - I Am, I Feel - Alisha’s Attic
1672 - Let Her Cry - Hootie and the Blowfish
1660 - Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
1657 - If I Were A Carpenter - Swanee
1636 - Sk8er Boi - Avril Lavigne (the fuck?)
1609 - U Can’t Touch This - MC Hammer
1562 - Cry - Godley and Creme
1540 - Always Look On The Bright Side of Life - Monty Python
1422 - What About Me - Moving Pictures
1302 - Gold - Spandau Ballet (Sensational - but totally out of place)

A quick break for #1253, How Soon Is Now which is, according to these idiots by “Smiths/Morrissey” It’s not a duet you fucks. I don’t see Walking On The Moon” listed as The Police/Sting. Fuckwits.

1250 - Hold The Line - Toto
1217 - I’m Just A Singer In A Rock and Roll Band - Moody Blues
1203 - Life In A Northern Town - Dream Academy
1093 - Fernando - ABBA

They’re saying that people actually voted for these. How many votes do you think we would have needed to get something to #2000? Ten or eleven? I’ve long advocated stations with relatively random playlists but this is taking it too far. There’s plenty worse on the list (most of it by Nickleback, Creed, Live and every other Triple M bandwagon band) but this is the completely random shit that I can’t believe has scored a gig. It’s got to be a big fraud doesn’t it? They’ll get to number one, play Khe Sanh like MMM always do, have a good laugh and get back to the real business of shitting us up the wall with rubbish rock and Black Betty triple-plays.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You can’t raise your ratings just by changing your on-air playlist - the people who don’t listen to your station obviously aren’t listening. And imagine how many people turned their radio over when Craig McLachlan came on? Fools. I wish them nothing but financial horror.

Part two of our “WHAT THE FUCK?” countdown tomorrow.

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