Thursday, 6 March 2003

One of the major advantages to having Foxtel is that you can see World's Strongest Man/Woman/Geriatric competitions almost 24 hours a day if you want. The best thing is how when the contempory tournaments have all been shown to death ESPN raid the archives and show the 80's contests in all their tight-shorted, bad hair, roided to the eyeballs glory.

Last night (Tuesday for those who are keeping score), in the ads of the intellectual programming I was absorbing, I was lucky enough to catch the tail-end of an 85ish clash where a man coincidentally named OD and jacked to eyeballs on not-quite-legal pharmaceuticals lost out to your stereotypically large Scandanavian in the final event, informally known as "carrying an f'ing huge boulder around in a circle". It ruled. Nothing, however, beats the women's circuit for sheer class and excitement. Sadly it seems nobody realised there were any strong women before about 1999 because there's far less classics available in their division.

The greatest contest I ever saw was on ESPN after this year's Superbowl. The babelicious Heivi Koinonen of Finland narrowly failed to beat some horse-faced American bint with fake breasts larger than some of the male competitors heads. That wasn't what made it a classic though, no no no. What elevated it to that status was the disproportionate time spent concentrating on the failures of some poor Welsh housewife who was no good at anything. When Heivi effortlessly lifted the car our hero couldn't even manage to get it off the stand. When the American bint and her pneumatic breasts were hauling massive rocks around with no trouble she was grimacing in pain just trying to get the things airborne. It was compulsory viewing, and a whole bunch of us sat around willing her to pull out some massive fluke and overtake the equally useless French Canadian woman who was sharing the foot of the table with her.

Alas it was not to be, as puzzled Malaysian locals looked on, she huffed, puffed, stumbled and dropped enough things to ensure a last-place finish. Never matter, even though nobody can remember her name she'll always have a special place in the hearts and minds of all fans who saw her brave but useless performance that day.

PS - I realise that even though her performance was crap she'd probably still be quite capable of snapping my puny neck like a twig if provoked. However i'm confident that my girl Heivi would surely kick her ass and defend my honor like the award winning tank that she is.

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