Well, it's that time of the year again. The one day in February when three-quarters of the Western world prostitute themselves because the Hallmark Corporation tells them to.*
On that note, welcome to the 1st Annual TSP Corporate Love Day Spectacular.
Personally I don't understand why we can't all be nice to each other during the rest of the year. If your significant other only feels obliged to do something romantic for you just one day a year that is NOT a good thing. You might think red roses and frankly embarassing declarations of love in the newspaper are sweet but they hardly make up for the time he felt up your 17-year-old sister or she chopped your door down with an axe when adultery was suspected does it**? DOES IT? There, now you're starting to see my point.
Speaking of those painfully tragic public newspaper notices, let's take a look at this years best from #1 Bogan paper-of-choice the Herald-Sun.
Ok, well I could only get through to C before I wanted to go and shoot some people, so here's what I found before I started contemplating mass murder.
* Romance on this Valentine's Day
Is looking rather bleak
So come on Mr Romance
You're running out of hours,
This only comes but once a year
So where's my bloody flowers?
* I love you, you love me, together is what we should be
* Chapel Street is a place to eat, but for you me it was a place to eat*
* Alexia Hodges U R Fine. Alexia Hodges U R Mine
* Andrew. My surfy boy, door is almost opened
Then suddenly a trend appears, at least I hope the second guy is talking about Rod Stewart as well.
* Make sure ther champagne's chilled and the new Rod Stewart album is playing when I get home. I've a surprise for you
* Babycakes - make sure there's a CD player in the bedroom, I wanna give you some classic Rod. Love - Ed
LET is be known that on this day I publicly proclaim that BABBSY of SUNBURY is the KING, the world's greatest lover and stayer! That there is no one that will ever match him in or out of bed! I hereby today give him all my heart full of love and affection, and my body full of desire for his exclusive use only.
Signed - Nellie.
"Love you Moof: XXX - Mongolian Cheese Horse"
"Happy Messy Formula"
"Mr. Greek Man"
We start with somebody is not only clearly mad, but also cheated to be first.
* AAAAA. All Ern Bennett's wives. All my heroines of my books I love you truly - Ern Bennett the man who outdid Valentino."
* I love you hard, big sexy fiance
* ACNARF utoromaoi utoromaoi Elekhim XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
* I wish we left it on better terms, a shame we can't be friends. I'll always remember the good times. UR still cute
* Ahmed S - My red blooded Turkish Sex Machine. Meet me at Doc's tonight
* Love from Papa
* Babi, dis 1s 4 u, my angel! ur my dreams + inspiration, aw8ting our bright future 2geda, luv BB
* My spunky lover, your spastic cuddles rock
Tragic isn't it? I thought i'd be able to make it right through to the end but it's just too horrible. Looks like our first annual spectacular has been a debacle.
If you spot anything particuarly awful in your own local paper please send it in so we can ridicule it as a community.
* Bitter? You bet I am. Thanks for asking!
** No, neither of these have ever happened to me.