Friday, 16 December 2005

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Three perfectly good ideas that I have for television shows. Of course “perfectly good” equates to to “completely shit” when the Australian Television Adjustment Index is applied so at least consider that before slaughtering the ideas or nicking them for yourself.

1. Unnamed Quiz Show #1
Now, this is the jewel in the crown. You may have noticed that other than the increasingly dire “Who Wants To Be A Millionare” there is a serious shortage of game shows in this country that actually require any brains to succeed. Sure any bogan can get on “Deal Or No Deal” and stand there looking like a twat holding briefcase #4. I sure did. But while we’re going force people to think for their money why don’t we make them sweat for it as well?

In Unnamed Quiz Show #1 we will gather three people each week who have a serious phobia of one thing or another and subject them to a series of general knowledge questions while we also subject them to the thing that scares the living shit out of them. Not only will they have to know the answers but will have to be able to spit them out at our host whilst confronting their greatest fears.

For instance you might be the world’s greatest living authority on Crop Rotation and 15th century farming methods but let’s see you storm through a round of questions when you’re trapped in a room full of spiders. Other potentially top scenarios include the contestants sitting in a rickety light aircraft as it dips and turns while our host (TBA) sits in the co-pilots seat and fires questions back at them, and several people who are scared to death of clowns facing our clown-suited host and a roomful of people on unicycles throwing buckets of confetti at each other.

Who will stay calm long enough to get the job done and win huge cash and prizes? Find out next week as we play Unnamed Quiz Show #1

2. Unnamed Talent Australian Idol Ripoff Show #1
Isn’t everyone bored shitless of record company executives, former singers and rubbish radio personalities running these shows? Have you ever thought you could select and groom a singing protege from a cast of thousands who can take the charts by storm? Well now you can. After a rigorous selection process we’ll pick ten entrants who nothing more about the music industry than how to turn a radio on and it will be up to them to pick one singer each from thousands of applicants and guide them towards victory. You’ll have a battalion of songwriters and singing coaches at your fingertips to groom the superstar with but what song they sing, what they wear and what ridiculous dance steps they rip on the stage are entirely up to you. They’ve signed a contract to be on it. You can make them sing Agadoo if you want. Plenty of laughs to be had when Cheryl from Niddrie picks some second rate club singer and tries to force him into a weekly Bon Jovi singalong when he desperately wants to be an R&B superstar. Massive life affirming drama when he gets away with it and becomes a huge star.

Every week the judges will nominate three singers to face the chop via the traditional SMS method. Once eliminated the singers join the judging panel and get to hammer their former mentors and contestants until the logical conclusion of the show, after which everyone gets a record deal and we get SUPER RICH off the profits from all the text messages and record contracts. An alternate plotline has the remaining singers getting together to nominate two judges every week, one of whom will also be eliminated via SMS vote. Suddenly people are thrown together with people who don’t want them but are desperate to stay in the competition. I predict wild scenes.

3. Midnight Shenanigans
We’ve discussed this before of course. It will be a once a week, 1hr talk/variety/hot topic chat program on at midnight Monday/Tuesday and hosted by the best available candidate at the time. That will, of course, be me. Cue 48 minutes + shithouse late night ads of sitting behind a desk, talking it up, interviewing local nutbags and just generally pissfarting around. Because it will be little more than me, the desk, a studio audience of 20 people specially invited to applaud like stooges when they’re told to and and endless stream of entertaining celebrity guests it’ll cost next to nothing to make. How can you lose? Sounds simple, and shit but I promise you entertainment of the highest order. Segment “Throwing The Cat Amongst The Pigeons” - which will feature a shot of me throwing a cat at some pigeons for an introduction - will bring together people who are sure to argue with each other for our entertainment. This week it could have been Lebanese Islamic activist vs Fair Dinkum Aussie Bogan. Next week - retired copper vs career criminal with a paranoid hatred of authority. Follow that by interviewing the legends of Australian TV (Ian Turpie, Rob Brough, Ernie Sigley, Burgo, Tony Barber, the guy off the Goggo Mobile ad, Sandy Roberts.. The list is endless) and you’re onto a winner.

We’ll be aiming to corner the “stoned/drunk/senile/terminally unemployable/completely mad/lost the will to live” market that is currently dominated by Up Late With Hot Dogs. More details to be fleshed out in our production meetings but I tell you if we can’t get an hour of quality shenanigans a week out of this flat, brown, big wide, mysterious crazy country we live in then we may as well give up.

Any winners in that bunch? Or is it more reminiscent of when Alan Partridge tried to flog “Inner City Sumo” and “Arm Wrestling With Chaz and Dave” to the head of BBC programming? If you’re a network executive or head of a major production company write in to the usual address and we’ll talk. You put Newlyweds, Dog Eat Dog and The Bob Morrison show on you bastards NOW GIVE SOMETHING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.

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