Famous by default

Give me one good reason why David Hasselhoff is still famous. 

You enjoyed his performances in Baywatch did you? Bullshit. Everyone knows every male cast member in that show was only there to deflect critical attention away from the ratings-friendly parade of norgs around them. Even if you can somehow find a reason for him to be interesting (being huge in Germany does not count) I defy you to find any point to people attending his 2005 World Tour. 

Sure we all laughed at those farcical emails where he cropped up everywhere. For about thirty seconds. Look there he is in a cell with Schapelle Corby!/surfing a Tsunami!/taking pot shots at President Kennedy from the Texas Schoolbook Depository! etc.. A few moderately (and we mean moderately) amusing emails doth not a career revival make. I repeat, being famous in Germany means fuck all. 

Hitler was extremely popular there at one point you may recall. 

If you’re unable to make it to one of his thirteen tour dates in Australia how about a copy of his new album. Who is paying for this shit? More importantly who is spending $90.45 to see him live? You could probably get 2/3rds of the Three Tenors to sing the greatest hits of MC Hammer for less than that. I wouldn’t pay $20 to see him in person unless he drove Knight Rider in and ripped some donuts on the stage. The car was the star of that show anyway, he was like the guy who owned Mr. Ed but nobody cared about. 

Everyone knows that Higgins out of Magnum PI was the greatest sidekick of the 80’s - but where’s his floorshow and album? 

   

Look at his dramatic command of the prop. It’s a god damned rubber chicken and he’s selling it like he’s Hamlet holding the skull. That is the stuff legends are made of. Ungrateful fuckers one and all. Heroes of television are working the theatre restaurant circuit and reading the news in Noosa and this guy is making millions to sing a few songs and have a surname that you can mix with the world 'official'. How about some shitty Hasselhoff merchandise? Perhaps not. Especially considering they want $15 postage to send you a T-shirt. 

This is the biggest moneymaking scam since Jebus. I’m going to wheel out the old guy who played Mr. Drummond on Diff’rent Strokes, pair him with Bruce Samazan, do some online marketing and make a fortune. Here’s some merchandise we just came up with, in association with major tour sponsors Microsoft Paint. Price $35 - available in January.