Long term TSP’ers (if any still exist, or are willing to admit to it) have probably seen most of this before. Meh, what can you do? Consider it the equivalent of when the writers of The Simpsons couldn’t come up with a whole episode and just threw some clips around a flimsy plot while they frantically tried to think of something new. On that note I present to you the eleven most farcical items that I currently own. 56k modem users please note that I am doing this just to annoy you.
1. Afro Dog
The dog has scored a mention on here before. It was bought it from the alarmingly named “Morning Glory” store near the corner of Swanston and Lonsdale St in the city. Obviously I only bought it because it amused me so much. Green afro on an animal with birds coming out of the side? COMEDY. GOLD. MINE. This is officially one of the few things I own that cheers me up. Admitting that publically is probably a risky manouevre, and I can only do it safe in the knowledge that nobody who reads this has the power to put me in a mental hospital. So suck it up bitches, the dog rules. Morning Glory, on the other hand, has not fared as well and are currently in the process of closing down. Don’t look to me to launch a rescue bid - I haven’t been in there once since I bought this thing. There was another one with a rainbow afro but that would just be weird.
2. Shonky facemask
Bought solely for the fact that Patrick Bateman wears an absolutely identical one in American Psycho. See,
This should not imply that I have any interest in murders and executions, wish to indulge in startling displays of violence or am going to try and feed a cat to the ATM anytime soon. Unfortunately I am unlikely to achieve the same ripped physique as the above, because instead of wearing as I do a thousand sit-ups a day a’la the movie I just lie there with it on trying not to spew when I’ve got a headache. Does it work? Of course not. But the important thing is that in some small and pissweak way I’m contributing to Hollywood. Sadly the instructions are long since binned because they contained some of the most frighteningly extreme Engrish ever committed to paper.
3. Alarmingly shit looking purple bathmat in the shape of a daisy
Even my own mother questioned my sexuality upon seeing this. She walked in, looked down and went “Is there anything you want to tell me?” That sort of thing could give you a complex.
4. Laundry hamper in the shape of a dolphin
Then she turned around, saw this and went “Oh, you’re just strange”. True, but at $10 from the Bourke Street Mall Reject Shop this could be one of the biggest bargains of ‘05. What more explanation do you need? It’s shaped like a fucking Dolphin. How good is that? You may scoff now, but if Kelly Osborne had hid her Oxycontin in one of these on that bloody TV show then every single person in the country would have one. Such is the fine line between genius and stupidity. The only way they could have made it better would be to have a competing model in the shape of a Japanese fisherman wielding a drift-net and a harpoon.
Liberated from the ground of [team name deleted] by [name deleted] at the conclusion of a match this year. Rumor has it that there’s also a #0/#1 floating around somewhere as well. Now all I need is some team names and I can sit here and play Fantasy Scoreboard all day instead of going to work.
5. Electric blue Santa hat.
Purchased for no other good reason than to wear to the South Melbourne/Sydney Olympic game of a few years ago (sample festive chant: “Away in a manger, no crib for a bed. The little lord Jesus lay down and he said… FUCK OFF OLYMPIC! FUCK OFF OLYMPIC!” Sacrilicious.) it saw double duty during last year’s family Xmas celebrations when I attempted to gimmick up for the day to disguise the fact that I don’t actually believe in the holiday. Worked nicely. I was later pictured mounting a statue in the same hat, but those pictures are remaining conveniently hidden lest they expose my secret identity.
P.S - I don’t even know what “Electric” blue means. Sounds more like a cheap porno than a color.
6. Indecent t-shirt
I bought it from a guy in a pub in St. Kilda. What else do you need to know? Due to the offensive content on the front, which looked great when I was plastered but not so clever sober, it has only been worn once and never in the state of Victoria. For the record I have absolutely no idea who Sarah Tonen is, and the only thing Google can tell me is that somebody of the same name is an “Angelina Jolie Fetishist”. Which is odd in itself but hardly a reason for imprisonment.
*UPDATE: See the comments of this post for what it actually means. Makes a fair case for me having been dropped on my head as a child. When I start watching Everybody Loves Raymond it’ll be official.
The back of the shirt looks like this,
I’m sure it all means something to someone. But not me.
7. Flags of the Soviet Union and German Democratic Republic
No idea why I bought these. I don’t even subscribe to their agendas. Maybe it’s just the thought that someday somebody will need an East German flag and I’ll be the shock provider? There’s something worth hanging your hat on. More likely it’s useful for creating comedy situations such as we had the other day here at Living With The Stars when 2.0 and I stood on the balcony waving them at office workers and trying to incite a revolution amongst National Australia Bank employees. Good thing it didn’t happen I suppose. Proof undeniable that EBay isn’t the harmless entertainment vehicle they pretend it is. Crunts.
8. Sexpo Media Pass
Speaking of Living With The Stars, this was the first piece of graft and corruption I received from the arrangement. I’ve always wanted to be in the media, and if you can get away with it AND see breasts for free at the same time I say you’ve done well. The cover story was that I was the photographer. A tale that would surely have collapsed in a heap had I been challenged on it. Personally I wanted to say that I was from TSP and that we were going to liveblog the event but nobody ever listens to the photographer. I refused to take this pass off for the rest of the day and wandered the aisles of my local supermarket proudly displaying it to absolutely no interest from anyone whatsoever.
9. Paranoia tags
I conceded to Schapelle Corby mania and bought these at the same time as my suitcase, thanks to an A+ sales pitch from the woman in the store on Burke Road, Camberwell. Then I just never bothered, and decided to keep things interesting and risk ending up in a Turkish prison. Distressingly for corrupt bagagge handlers everywhere I opted to have the super glad-wrap option on my bags instead and thus foiled their evil plot to fill my bags with heroin and drop me off somewhere in central Asia. On the way back I left my bags completely unattended, on the assumption that if I got busted coming back here that I’d surely get off on the residual S. Corby sympathy vote. Didn’t turn out to be necessary, but I’m willing to bet that nobody would have given a shit.
10. The Porkinator
It came off the bottom of a seat in a construction area during Year 9. For some reason it then became a mythical weapon. Probably because we were the biggest group of nerdlingers ever to walk the planet earth. The other side of it says “You’ve been porked by the Porkinator”. What does it all mean? I have no idea. All I know is that if I took it back in time to meet Adam of 16yrs of age I would probably end up bludgeoning him around the head with it while I screamed something about “tough love”. Approximately two years later we discovered a “Super Porkinator” which was about 20 times the size and was eventually stuffed into a spare locker and never to be seen again. How nobody caught tetanus from the super version is a complete mystery because it was the dodgiest piece of shit on earth. Score one for the Victorian schools immunisation program. To the best of my knowledge the Porkinator has never been deployed at any time, though I did carry it on me once whilst walking through a dubious neighbourhood late at night.
11. Belgian fishing team jacket
I bought this from Episode on Sydney Road, Brunswick because I was convinced it was talking about some mad 70’s cycling team and that I would have instant credability with Europeans. Then somebody translated it for me and it turned out that it was plugging a Rod’s n’ Reels supply shop in the city of Onkerzele. I have not worn it since because I fear being mocked by visiting Belgian tourists, and because I think fishing is the biggest farce ever. You sit there alone all day and something might happen? You may as well watch Sheffield Shield Cricket. Get your bids in and it’s yours.
While EBay, the Reject Shop, Amazon and JB Hi-Fi are still open, and people are still leaving their doors unlocked at night there’ll be more to come in this collection. There’s something to look forward to.