Sunday, 11 December 2005

Great Video Moments

Continuing our bandwith bursting, soul destroyingly graphic heavy run through history’s finest music video moments. Now with it’s own special category - relieve it all as if it was yesterday. In fact it probably was yesterday.

Today we go back to 1984. The artists are Van Halen, a musical act known for their sensitivity and knowledge of all applicable and appropriate sexual harassment guidelines. David Lee Roth (henceforth to be referred to only as DLR) was, indeed, such a feminist that he would pay off the roadie who picked the girl out of the crowd that he eventually planted one on. The influences of this would show in their work entitled “Hot For Teacher”. Remember, just because something is educational doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining. Thanks to the VH1 Rock Show for unwittingly allowing somebody to copy this and put it on the net.

This is Waldo’s mom. The term MILF was not invented in 1984, but if it was I can assure you that it would in no way be applied to her. She tells Waldo to find some new friends but he says he can’t because he’s nervous and his “socks are too loose”.

Here’s Waldo attempting to get into the schoolbus and falling on his ass. This kid is going to get EATEN ALIVE in school. Reminds me of Adam circa Yr. 7

DLR as the best bus driver in history. He issues the legendary command “SITDOWN WALDO!” How did he know the kid’s name before he’d even started school? Best not to think about it because you’ll just do your head in.

Waldo is shattered. He makes whale noises. There really is no need to be shattered, because after the question of “I wonder what the teacher will look like this year?” is asked we are presented with..


According to Pop Up Video (is there anything they don’t know?) there were supervisors provided to make sure none of the kids were abused on the set. There was, however, nobody there to make sure the women were alright. Does Mini DLR look like he’s being abused to you? No, the little bastard is having the time of his life.

The sudden appearance of Miss Chemistry has failed to raise Waldo’s spirits. This is the major difference between him and Adam circa Year 7. I would have risen to applaud - and then some - had any half naked woman entered my classroom. Not surprisingly they never did. Though my Year 8 teacher was hot and is welcome to contact me via the usual address if she’s reading.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the next member of our faculty. MISS PHYS-ED!

Welcome back Miss Chemistry. Back for a victory lap in front of the blackboard.

DLR does his bit for teacher/student relationships by picking her up. That is surely NOT legal

Speaking of not legal you can debate the moral issues surrounding locking the kids in a cage with a whip wielding woman who may or may not be Mrs. Waldo in substantially less clothing. Dave does his bit to get the kids out by waving an hourglass around. Why? Because this is one of the greatest videos ever you clown - that’s why.

Waldo. Still unimpressed, and getting progressively more shattered as the video progresses. Apparently (thanks to Pop Up Video again) they put motor oil in his hair to get that effect and the little shit spent hours trying to get it out. A small price to pay for a spot in musical immortality I’m sure you’ll agree.

Cue one of those “what happened to..” sequences beloved of the makers of university related movies and teen sex romp comedies. Look! A gynecologist! How original. They missed the sequel where he gets arrested.

Who the fuck is Michael Anthony? I don’t know. Must have been somebody else in the band other than DLR and a pair of Van Halens.

That’ll be all the drugs kicking in..

WHAT A FUCKING LEGEND! WALDO! WALDO! WALDO! Little pervert ended up doing better than anyone else.

And he learnt everything he knew from this man. All hail DLR, the greatest pantsman in musical history. He is now an author, and according to his website if you read his latest book you “will find the self-proclaimed toastmaster of the immoral majority dispensing knowledge, wisdom, action packed anecdotes and knock-you-on-your-ass chili recipes amidst a collection of personal artwork and photos in what is sure to be the most off-the-hook philosophy book ever written.” Sounds shithouse. It is my greatest regret in life that I am physically incapable of breaking out one of those midair spinning kicks that he does in the Jump video.

Impossible to describe with single pictures but watch the whole video and you’ll notice that one of the band is completely clueless when it comes to the dance routine. Try to guess which one it will be. Hint - it’s not the great man.

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