New Year's Evil

Looking back at the year for me I'm going to give it a very marginal pass mark. Lets say 51%, which in this case is a landslide.

May you end up horizontal with or without somebody at the conclusion of tonight's festivities. My slogan for the evening is, "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars". I predict is that I will be in the gutter but will NOT be seeing the stars.

I'll probably end up pitching myself into the sea as a tragic reminder of the death of the kiosk at the end of the pier a few months back.

Something rotten in the city of Port Phillip

There is definately something rancid, and just plain WRONG going on in Albert Park Lake. I walked down to Bob Jane Stadium tonight to watch a friendly between South Melbourne and the Fijian Olympic team (Yes, I am sad. South won 1-0) and at a couple of points along Lakeside Drive the smell of the nasty looking water is so disgusting that I almost threw up.

My favourite bit, though, was outside the restaurant where they'd thrown all these bread rolls into the water to presumably be eaten by the birds and they were all pathetically floating on the surface being totally ignored. I don't blame the birds, I wouldn't have eaten anything that came out of that FOUL water either.

Oh, and it would cut a good 20 minutes off my walking if they left that bridge they have at the GP which lets you walk right across the middle of the lake. Fuck the boating community, I want a 30 minute walk not 50.

Oh dear, you're all going to die

Mad christians prepare to get seriously fucked up in Iraq...

American Christian missionaries have declared a "war for souls" in Iraq, telling supporters that the formal end of the US-led occupation next June will close an historic "window of opportunity".

Organising in secrecy, and emphasising their humanitarian aid work, Christian groups are pouring into the country, which is 97 per cent Muslim, bearing Arabic Bibles, videos and religious tracts designed to "save" Muslims from their "false" religion.

You will score some BIG points with the man upstairs for dying like this guys! Bit of a waste if he doesn't exist though isn't it?

American columnist is an absolute nutcase

The New York Post believes you should sell your stock in Take Two Interactive because they make a violent videogame. The fact that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City has sold 5 MILLION FREAKING COPIES apparently has no bearing on this decision.

You've got to read the whole thing to understand how stridently this guy HATES the company and the game - but he has this to say at the end of the article:

Bottom line: Stay away from this stock - far, far away - and you'll be doing both your wallet and your fellow man a favor. Happy New Year.

Or you could call your favourite NASDAQ broker and buy it like there's no tomorrow just to stick it up this tossbag.

My favourite bit of it is this,

People, this is insane. This is 10,000 times worse than the worst thing anybody thinks Michael Jackson ever did to a little boy - or than any lie the feds think Martha Stewart ever told them, or any line in any song that Bruce Springsteen ever sang that rankled a cop in the Meadowlands.

So creating a videogame where you kill a lot of people is 10,000 times worse than buttfucking a 12-year-old? And this guy is claiming to be representing the moral side of the argument? How very odd.

Oh he's just trying to score more hits...

Who in gods name is Jessica Simpson and why is my inbox full of invitations to purchase a copy of her celebrity sex video? It's not the singer surely, she's about 15 years old isn't she? How illicit. Of course it might be a hoax on the same level as the time that I was offered via email a chance to see Jennifer Lopez taking a horse. No really. I didn't click but I would assume it was a fake.

* Yes, this WILL appear highly on Google. Suggested search string - "Jessica Simpson Sex Video"

UPDATE - It might be the chick from some TV show called "Newlyweds". It's the only other Jessica Simpson who ranks highly in the search engines.

Odd

Now, I haven't posted on Disturbing Search Requests for ages - but I just got this rather amusing email from some random sicko regarding one of my old posts. It's oh-so-formal

"Felix [1] sent this email to you through Disturbing Search Requests [2] regarding this page [3].

Wishing you happy new year dear
kiss to your warm strong dick.
please send me your dick pics in action


[1] http://
[2] http://searchrequests.weblogs.com/
[3] http://searchrequests.weblogs.com/discuss/msgReader$16931"

Kiss to your warm strong dick! What a hero!

Massive whinge day continues at TSP

Why is it that the only thing keyboard makers can never agree on is where to put the / key? The placement on this new one is giving me the shits, it's at the top right of the useful keys wedged between the plus/equals, backspace, ] and the world's biggest enter key.

Guess I'll get used to it, but couldn't there be a standard? Next they'll be pissfarting around with the keys and introducing the Dvorak system by stealth.

Just think, if I was a talkback host/shock jock I could raise these sorts of important issues to a nationwide audience. Write to your favourite station and demand they hire me - and if that particular entity only plays music demand that they change format to suit me as well.

Low tech reportage II

Space Probe Fails (http://dox.media2.org/barista/archives/000234.html)

"Status report: 27 December 2003

Tonight, the Jodrell Bank telescope in the UK detected no signal from the Beagle 2 lander. Due to clear weather conditions and less noise, the opportunity for reception was better than on 26 December.

Earlier in the evening of 26 December, no signal had been detected by NASA's Mars Odyssey spacecraft flying in orbit overhead. The next opportunity to listen with Mars Odyssey will take place at 07:15 CET on 27 December."

What's the great obsession with space? Couldn't we pump billions of dollars into shit that will benefit our lives here instead? Like buying me a slab.

Low tech reportage

Still no HTML allowed - so go here (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20031224.wbads24/BNStory/Sports/) for the full story of how undercover, Santa-related, rival fan Ice Hockey fan fighting madness amused the world.

""A seemingly harmless Christmas promotion arranged by the New York Islanders turned ugly, and all because of the team's fierce rivalry with the New York Rangers... The promotion invited fans to dress up as Santa Claus for Tuesday night's game against the Philadelphia Flyers and be admitted to the Nassau Coliseum for free. What's more, they were permitted to parade across the ice between periods. About 1,000 Santa Clauses showed up and as promised, they were invited on the ice after the first period... As the Santas milled around, two of them removed their red jackets to reveal jerseys of the rival Rangers... The interlopers were knocked to the ice and had the shirts ripped off. Other Santas went sliding across the ice during the melee that took six minutes to settle down."

Legends one and all!

Commentators Box

Dear Bill Lawry,

I know you get a bit excited, and we love you for it, but when a batsman gets a massive inside edge onto the stumps I don't think you can accurately say he was "clean bowled".

Right on!

ESPN is doing even better. They're showing a pro-celebrity Golf tournament hosted by the guy who played Elaine's boss Jay Peterman in Seinfeld and featuring baseball's Mark McGwire kicking the ass of golfing luminaries like Greg Norman.

Foxtel. Worth every cent.

Fair and balanced...

Fox News is playing a "best of" 2003 program and it's fun to see their massive conservative agenda neatly compiled and shown in one short program. Every single 'highlight' from the year involves one of their hosts - often Bill O'Reilly - going ballistic at somebody who was against the war, or had some affiliation to the Democratic Party.

The best bit was the host of Fox and Friends deviating from the job of being an endlessly jolly David Koch-esque morning show host to debate comedian Janeane Garofalo on the need for a war in Iraq. His entire argument centered on that infamous "sexed up" British intelligence dossier that was so discredited later on. It's probably best to edit out highlights that make your hosts look like complete dicks. He actually claimed that the huge Republican Party stack of Fox News was justified because they're the top rating cable news station in America. What a tool. It was almost as good as the random news anchor vs General Clark brawl they played before it.

With friends like this how can Bush possibly lose?

Please

Dear Sir or Madman,

If you actually choose to wake up at 6 in the morning on Friday specifically to watch the World Idol final results shit I think it's time to get some serious, SERIOUS psychological treatment.

Love,

Adam

A big hand

Congratulations to whatever advertising genius in the KFC marketing department decided that this years version of the Cricketers Box promotion would be the Commentary Box. There's apparently a far better ad than that dog's breakfast they put out last year too.

About time the commentators finally got some credit for all their hard work. Don't know what they're going to do next year - the "Sponsors Box" or something.

What? Pissed?

George Best? I don't believe it!

FORMER Manchester United and Northern Ireland football star George Best spent 11 hours under arrest yesterday after allegedly assaulting his estranged wife, Alex.

Best, 57, was arrested after a drunken tiff with his wife in the southern England town of Reigate where he and Alex once shared a house, The Sun newspaper reported.

"A 57-year-old male was arrested on December 26 at approximately 2am in Reigate, in relation to an allegation of assault," police said, refusing to confirm his identity or the victim of the alleged assault.

"He has been released without charge and no allegation is being pursued by any party," police said.

The reported arrest is the latest drama in the life of the football legend who split from 31-year-old Alex in September after failing to give up drinking, despite undergoing a liver transplant in July, 2002.

Just shoot him already. What an embarassment.

Unclean

If you're being chatted up by somebody and they casually mention their hometown is Vancouver, Canada you might want to end the conversation right there and then...

"Vancouver is facing the worst outbreak of syphilis per capita in the developed world, with city health officials fearful of a looming epidemic of the sexually transmitted disease once thought almost wiped out in North America. Some 254 new cases have been diagnosed locally this year authorities said early this week - more than the total for North America in two decades, with more expected, said Dr. Michael Rekart of the British Columbia Centre for Disease Control... In 2002, the health authority recorded 186 new cases of syphilis, 15 per cent of them among gay men. This year, it jumped to more than 250 new cases and gay men account for a quarter of infections."

Or you might want to shag them silly just to prove a point. Your choice really.

Look, while we're at it..

What did Australia do the TV networks to deserve what they've been served up tonight? The ultra-disappointing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation vs World Series Ballroom Dancing. Who would ever have thought that the Panel would like entertaining and challenging television?

Maybe we should all go out and do something important instead of watching TV? Erm, everyone else first please.

Idiot

In continuing with the general spirit of nastiness and irritation I've got to ask whether I'm the only person in the world who just doesn't find Mr. Bean funny.

Maybe the first time I saw it I thought "Ahh he clearly belongs in an institution but he's NOT and he's causing HAVOC. HA!" but every time since it's been more like "What is this shit?" And it's repeated ad-bloody-nauseum on certain networks (I'm looking at you ABC. Give me my 12 cents back) so you just never know when you'll come across the bloody idiot.

I'd rather see the sinister side of him when he goes home and butchers small children or something instead.

Advertising lowdown

It's hardly a positive sign for the bug destroying capabilities of Mortein that Louie the Fly has been constantly bouncing back ad after ad for the last forty years is it?

Or are they carrying out a program of genocide on the entire Louie family?

Bastards.

And that's the end of that

Here follows a Christmas message from Adam the first. All hail.

Today marks the third consecutive Xmas where something has gone horrifically wrong for me. This year it's in the form of a keys debacle which resulted in me just forking over $150 to a locksmith for 30 seconds work opening the front door.

I've had it. I'm going to give people gifts on the 25th of November next year for no apparent reason instead and Kris farking Kringle can blow himself.

And to top it all off the fuckwits who were allegedly going to get kicked out of these flats are still here and are randomly exploding illegal fireworks. It's like the bridge scene from Apocalypse Now around here.

You're all bumpkins

And meanwhile who in their right mind would ever go camping? If you're going to go away stay in a freaking hospital - the middle ages have passed and we've fought two world wars; YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN SHANTY TOWNS ANYMORE. Unless you're poor of course, then you're excused.

It's only one small step up from sleeping in a Saddam Hussein style ditch.

People from the country should be coming here, not the other way around.

NB: I am aware that I did this bit last year too. But I'll keep doing it until people come to their senses.

Charity Scum

Charity songs and albums really shit me. And sadly most of them revolve around Christmas.

You know the ones - where 50 celebrities get together in a room, do some interviews that say "You know, we really have to do something for the kids of Ethiopa/Biafra/Redfern" and record the most horrific musical abberations known to man. The CD/LP is then consequently purchased out of guilt by 100,000 people who have done nothing more than sat on their fat asses on the couch watching these jolly foreign people dying on CNN for the last five years, listened to once and then pushed to the back of the collection next to Elton John's Candle in the Wind '97 dead princess debacle.

The irony is always that if the 'artists' (and assorted one hit wonders) forked over a small percentage of their own vast fortunes they'd probably raise more for the kiddies than their bloody CD ever will.

I just saw the video for Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Xmas" and it's totally turned me off the holiday season. You'd be lucky to see more than five people involved with that who are still around or not mired in "My drug hell" headlines. And I always thought that of course the poor starving kiddies wouldn't know it's christmas time at all - because almost most of them come from non-christian countries.

Bah + humbug = TSP.

Mix N Match

Social outing at US prison ends in tears...

An inmate was killed Monday morning after the doors to a cellblock at Varner Supermax prison opened simultaneously, allowing the usually segregated prisoners to mill about for nearly an hour.

State prison officials said they aren’t sure why the 78 doors in the section of the prison suddenly opened, but they suspect faulty wiring. The high-security unit holds some of the most-violent and troublesome inmates in the prison system.

Bet the front doors never spontaneously pop open...

Great One Hit Wonders

4. Roger Voudouris - Get Used To It

Born in 1954 - and growing up on the mean streets of Sacramento, California lusty Greek adonis Roger kicked off his career as a hard man in the band "Roger Voudouris Loud as Hell Rockers" and released a self titled debut album in 1978 that had little impact on the charts. It was his second LP a year later that featured Get Used To It - a massive hit that would prove the high point of his career. It was one of the biggest selling singles of the year across the world - but he failed to reach similar heights with follow-ups. Two more albums, and no more hit singles in the West, followed but it was only Japan which remained crazy for Roger over the years.

It was hosting our very own Countdown where Roger had his most famous moment. Performing his timeless hit "in a tight polyester v-neck jumper while facing a wind machine" the ladies went wild and his song rocketed up the local charts. Classic footage - and I'm sure Molly was taking special interest in proceedings. It was a much mocked performance, ranking alongside the horrid sight of Mark Holden throwing carnations to a crowd of screaming chicks in the cringe factor. A factor that somewhat detracted from the fact that it wasn't a bad song - considering some of the other 'hits' from the very same year (Step forward Patrick Hernandez - and then go away again).

Where are they now? Voudouris won't, however, be making a Holden-esque comeback appearance on American Idol as he died of natural causes on August 3rd this year. Apparently one of the few Sacramento natives ever to grace the Billboard Top 40 he will forever be remembered in this country as the man in the tight jumper.

Candidate wants to kick your ass!

Political cockups ahoy.

Moments after praising his opponents in the Democratic presidential race as worthy running mates, Wesley Clark said, in no uncertain terms, how he would respond if they or anyone else criticized his patriotism or military record.

"I'll beat the . . . out of them," Clark told a questioner as he walked through the crowd after a town hall meeting yesterday. "I hope that's not on television," he added.

It was, live, on C-Span.

Of course behaviour like this would make me more likely to vote for him - but I'm hardly representative of the wider voting public. Which is probably a good thing.

Sorry dad

Even in death Uday Hussein screwed things up for his father,

London: Ousted Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was captured by Kurdish forces, then drugged and handed over to the American forces as a revenge against the rape of a tribal chief's daughter by the tyrant's psychopathic eldest son Uday, a media report said today.

The full story of the fallen dictator's capture last Saturday in a "spider hole" near his birthplace of Tikrit exposes the version peddled by Americans as incomplete.

According to the report in The Sunday Express, Saddam had already been handed over to Kurdish forces, who then brokered a deal with US commanders.

He was drugged and abandoned, ready for the American troops to recover him.

Bloody kids!

Meanwhile I'm surprised the Kurds didn't just kill him on the spot considering what he'd done to them.

Misunderstood

I don't who was actually singing it, Baby Don't Forget My Number by the artists claiming to be Milli Vanilli was good. Everything else they did was shit, but that's beside the point.

These helpful people have set up sites dedicated to the "Van". Somebody had to I suppose.

Incidentally did you know that their album - was it called Girl You Know It's True? I can't be arsed looking it up - is supposedly the highest selling album ever to be entirely deleted from record company catalogues? It's because some judge ruled that every single person who bought it could get a refund because they'd been duped into buying it. This means you can download all their MP3's guilt free if you want and they won't come around to your house and kick the shit out of you - or get somebody else to do it in their name.

Of course the fact that one of them topped himself five years ago would probably stop that from happening too...

Did you know?

That there are three movies on IMDB with Supermercado in the title?

Massacre no Supermercado (1968)
1,99 - Um Supermercado Que Vende Palavras (2003)
Rita va al supermercado (2000)

That massacre one sounds attractive. There'll be four when they make my life story.

I'm still going to get sued by the guy from Foxtel one day...

Worst murder coverup ever

Controversy south of the border.

A 24-year-old Mexican man is dead after reportedly playing a human piñata for some children.

A newspaper, Reforma, said the man was standing on a beam with a rope loosely tied around his neck and ropes tied around his hands and feet.

He was letting his younger brother and sister swing at him with sticks but lost his balance while trying to avoid being hit. He strangled when the rope tightened around his neck.

The kids are killers! Hang them high! Tonight on A Current Affair - who's turning Mexico's children into vicious killers - a story no human pinata victim can afford to miss.

We love the kids

And really, what did the tools who put this thing on expect?

IT was meant to be the dream end of school holidays, but it ended with a police escort off a passenger ship.

Yesterday the Pacific Sky cruise ship and its 1500 passengers returned from an out-of-control 10-day trip through the South Pacific.

During the wild week and a half, seven people were kicked off and left stranded in the islands and another five were placed under room arrest.

There was also a false man overboard claim that sparked a national rescue alert, forced the 240m vessel to circle for three hours, and cost the owners $26,000.

The kids are doing us proud. There's going to be a lot of babies born in about 9 months time.

Tick

As accurately predicted the "nude mayor" search engine frenzy has taken over in epic proportions. Is this woman a super MILF or something? Because I can't understand the attraction otherwise. It's not like she's taking it from behind in the middle of council chambers whilst signing off on a bill regulating garbage collection services in the city. Or is she? There's got to be some reason people want to see it more than they want to see any other 35 year old with her gear off.

Personally I love it. Shows where the priorities of the world lie. Fuck Saddam we want to see NORKS.

Bring back the cricketers box

May I politely enquire to the ACB as to which fuckwit sold the advertising rights to the four test matches against India to the "3" company and decide to brand it the "3 Test Series"?

What next? Are they going to flog the One Day name to the people who made that shonky cricket board game with the crappy plastic fielders ("Where's the third slip? Oh, the dog ate him") and call it the "Test Match Series"?

Incidentally I once hit a shot so perfect in that game that it flew straight back over the pissy little plastic boundary and smashed the guy I was playing it against right in the shoulder. Why bother ever playing again after that?

And anyway; if any cricket game should be brought back it's that one on the old Nintendo with copyright-defying player names (step forward star Australian batsman Jones Dean), fielders that you could rearrange by picking them up with a huge god-like hand and computer spin bowling that afforded you the chance to hit 36 runs an over. Ahh, memories.

Tool

So Saddam Hussein stays in power for the best part of 30 years, manages to evade US troops for all these months and then gets busted in a cellar, crying like a little schoolgirl (I made that bit up) in his own hometown. It's surely too easy - but they've supposedly got DNA evidence which proves it. Nice!

Surely people can't find a downside to this. Even if you thought the war was a bit dodgy (i.e - me) you've got to admit that this is a top result. I'm interested to see what happens now. He might even let on where these evil weapons of mass destruction are hidden - certainly somewhere more sophisticated than where he was you'd assume.

And if the person who turned him in and pockets the $25,000,000 reward is reading can you buy me a new phone please? Thanks!

UPDATE: And the press conference is like a bloody highschool cheerleading rally. The Iraqi people are probably watching it going "what a bunch of wankers. Bring back Saddam". Choice quote "You have the opportunity of a sovereign government...... in a few months"

Krazy Konspiracy Korner

Dealey Plaza claims it's second victim...

A man apparently shot himself to death early Friday on the "X" in Dealey Plaza that marks the spot where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated 40 years ago, authorities said.

Witnesses said they saw a man in a camouflage jacket holding a gun on his chest and lying in the middle of the street on the spray painted "X," an unofficial memorial maintained by the publisher of a local conspiracy theory publication.

"I can honestly say I've seen it all," said Ron Rice, who works at the nearby Conspiracy Museum in downtown Dallas.

Where's Oliver Stone when you need him? There was surely somebody shooting from behind the grassy knoll.

Fuck off and fuck off now

Some little cunt has stolen my hideously expensive phone. How depressing. I hope he/she dies in a fiery car wreck.

Begin the next search frenzy...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bah humbug (Pt 12)

I find it a tad ironic that the Myer (that's Grace Brothers for visiting Sydney heathens) Christmas windows feature "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" as it's theme this year when, as far as I can work out is a story with the moral that people don't need to get expensive presents and shit to appreciate the wonders of Xmas. Do they really understand what they're saying here? The message they're doing is essentially "You don't NEED an Xbox for christmas. The joy of the season should be enough to keep you happy. But did you know that we can sell you one for the lowest price in Melbourne anyway?" Fools. They should have done Green Eggs and Ham instead; it's got bugger all to do with the festive season but it kicks ass.

Meanwhile today I also happened to catch the Xmas thing Crown Casino/Entertainment Place are doing for the kids as well (fecking St. Nick is clearly stalking me) and I noticed a remarkable piece of guerilla marketing. Halfway through one of the jolly old carols in the middle of this sound and light show that all the kiddies were getting right into the creative genius who came up with this thing ever so subtly dropped the music from the Crown "World of Entertainment" TV ads into the background for a few seconds. This might seem insignificant, and the people I was with didn't notice it (although it was there, I'm not working on conspiracy here) but I think it's a fairly brilliant move because when the little brats darlings who were there today grow up to be old enough to gamble at the casino - or at least get fake ID's so they can - they'll associate all the good times they had at Xmas with that music and presumably flock to Crown in numbers.

Unless, of course, they get felt up by a man in a Santa suit and end up hating the whole thing. In that case they'll probably go to the movies instead.

Naturally this all hinges on them having the same jingle in eight to ten years - but they've had it for the last eight so why not stick with it. Especially if you're brainwashing the youth of the nation with it.

Get used to it

So it's been 45 years since Castro took over and the Americans are still engaged in the pipe-dream that they're going to get rid of him.

A commission set up by U.S. President George W. Bush will issue recommendations by May 1 on how the United States can hasten Cuban President Fidel Castro's fall from power without using force, the White House said on Monday.

Can't wait to see what these innovative new plans are... Something hideously inhumane like dropping leaflets on the island telling people that Fidel is a very naughty boy.

So Bush has poleaxed Iraq, repealed pro-choice laws, plans to build a base on the moon and is going to topple a dictator that eight previous presidents haven't been able to knock over. Talk about trying to write your own chapter in the history books.

Good grief

I hereby declaring the blogging craze to be dead. People are dropping at an astounding rate and Gareth Parker - one of the first people to link me and expose this rubbish to a worldwide audience - is the latest.

How depressing. The Wide World of Blog is going to have about five people on it soon.

Death in the family

People are abandoning ship on blogs all over the shop at the moment - which is a fair indication that the craze is dying. The latest is Stew who will be missed.

Cue a flashback sequence of all the good times we had reading it. Shots of Stew pointing at the Statue of Liberty from the deck of a boat just like the opening of Perfect Strangers set to "I Had the Time of My Life".

Still plenty of good bloggers left. But for how long? As for the shit blogs you'll never get rid of them and I'll be staying around forever.

Dipless

I bought a jar of Salsa today and I can't for the life of me work out how to open it.

I can't believe my life has come to this.

Punishment fits crime?

I know this guy didn't personally pull the trigger on all of the killings but surely the sentence is a tad lenient?

A former Bosnian Serb commander was sentenced Tuesday for his role in the 1995 Srebrenica massacre of more than 7,000 Muslim men and boys. Judge Liu Daqun sentenced Momir Nikolic to 27 years in jail.

Nikolic pleaded guilty in May to one count of crimes against humanity. In return for his plea, prosecutors dropped four other charges.

In July, 1995, Serb soldiers separated Muslim men and teenage boys from women and children. They then took them to nearby fields and systematically killed at least 7,000 over three days.

That's roughly 9855 days in prison if he serves the full sentance. Or 1.407 for each person killed. How shambolic.

Right-Wing nutbags cause confusion

Bear in mind this is from the notoriously unreliable and quite mad Fox News;

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson accused President Bush of "undermining a Christian, Baptist president to bring in Muslim rebels" by asking Liberian President Charles Taylor, recently indicted for war crimes, to step down.

"How dare the president of the United States say to the duly elected president of another country, 'You've got to step down,"' Robertson said Monday on The 700 Club, broadcast from his Christian Broadcasting Network.

"It's one thing to say, we will give you money if you step down and we will give you troops if you step down, but just to order him to step down? He doesn't work for us."

Aren't these the same kind of super-fundamentalist idiots who were all in favour of turning Iraq into a car park? Or is it alright as long as you don't actually ask somebody to stand down?

Fools!

Ahoy! Media sensationalism

The way the papers and TV are going off about Delta Goodrem you'd think she'd died suddenly. They're running tributes rivalling the great Princess Di debacle.

Obviously I feel for her, and I hope she recovers fully as soon as possible - but the notion that it's somehow a more important story than all the other misery in the world because she's had a couple of hit songs is absolutely ridiculous.

This makes me sound like a prick doesn't it?

UPDATE - Somebody else is taking her plight seriously. Searches for 'Delta Goodrem Nude' on Google have been on fire all day.

Brownlow excitement

Wow, the singing duties were handled by the capable team of Jon Stevens and the chick out of Batchelor Girl. How can they top that? A full rendition of "Red Hot and Rhonda" during the recap of the bye week I'll bet.

And did that tool Wayne Jackson just refer to David Wirrapunda as "E. Wirrapunda". He's been running the game for a few years now you know.

And why are we talking about tennis? What is this shit? Lleyton Hewitt can feature on the bloody
"Ille Nastase Tennis Medal" show for all I care but he's not a footballer.

3 hours of Wayne Jackson reading votes off cards and getting players names wrong - that's what I want. Not the fucking sporting Logies.

6 Rounds in,

* The Peter Bell tilt is still on.
* Wayne Jackson has been given crash coaching lessons in players names
* Melbourne's top vote getter is David Neitz with 5. In 1999 Scott Chisholm got the most votes with 6 despite being utterly shit. This might mean that 2003 is/was a better year than 99.

Back after Round 9

* Voss is surely going to win the thing.
* Bell's chance is slipping away. The umpires are clearly racist.
* Matthew Richardson usually gets 3 votes against Melbourne and nobody else, this year he only got two. He's clearly shit.
* Wayne Jackson sounds pissed.

DID YOU KNOW? In our last shit year (2001) Peter Walsh was Melbourne's top vote getter with 11 (source). Can Neitz crack that? He only got 11 himself last year when he topped the goalkicking.

* Eddie managed to talk to Jason McCartney without accidentally referring to the "atrocities in Dili" like he did during the International Rules game last year.
* Predictions that Scott Burns will get fuck all should have been heeded. He's on 2 so far.
* Dennis Commetti's reading of the highlights isn't impressing me all that much. You just know he's not going to come out with one of his great lines.
* I don't think a Melbourne player got 1 vote in the last three rounds. Daniher should have been out of a job at about this point.

DID YOU KNOW?
The following 10 players recieved Brownlow votes in the 1990's. Who remembers them? Not me.
Darren Troy (Geelong) 1 vote (1990)
Sean Simpson (Geelong) 6 votes (1991)
Joe Cormack (Fitzroy) 5 votes (1992)
Daniel Craven (Brisbane) 2 votes (1993)
Shane Tongerie (Adelaide) 1 vote (1994)
Ed Considine (Sydney) 3 votes (1995)
Quenton Leach (Fremantle) 2 votes (1996)
Donald Dickie (Port Adelaide) 3 votes (1997)
Andrew Bomford (Essendon) 2 votes (1998)
Garth Taylor (Fremantle) 3 votes (1999)
Source - Same as before.

* For our international viewers let me remind you that I'm posting about the Brownlow Medal - the highest individual honor in Australian Rules football. More than $5 million Australian has been bet on this event. We're all addicts.
* Neitz is up to 8. Walsh's record for votes in a shit season is under threat.
* Bell is definately being robbed.
* Andrew McLeod might pull off a shock here but Dermie has decided Ben Cousins is going to piss it in. Nigel Lappin was winning, but nobody cares about him. He didn't even bother showing up to the Brisbane function - hope he does win it now just to be confusing.
* Nathan Buckley is going to lose again. Cue the anguished howls of Collingwood mutants across the nation.
* This is all very close. I'd like to see the AFL plebs work out what do if there's a 6 way draw.

DID YOU KNOW?
Contrary to his claims earlier on the telecast Gary Lyon actually recieved 3 votes in the 1989 Brownlow Medal count.

Melbourne players to only get one were Tony Campbell, David Flintoff, Greg Healy, Ricky Jackson and Brian Wilson. The club's top vote getters for the night were Stephen Newport and Jim Stynes with 10.

* Wayne Jackson cockup alert - Paul Dimmatina = P. Dimmantina
* HOW THE FUCK DID BELL ONLY GET 2 AGAINST ADELAIDE?
* If Bell doesn't win I want Goodes to instead.
* This is going to be a massive tie. There's about 300 people on 16-18 votes at the end of round 16.
* Ben Cousins is winning again.
* Smoking Joe Misiti has two votes, which is precisely how many he clocked up when I bet on him a 1000-1 to win it in his debut season.
* Now Goodes and Cousins are equal again
* Isn't it amazing how I'm writing this as if you're actually reading it in real time, and not three days after the event?
* Cockup alert - Kane Johnson = J.K Johnson
* Nick Riewoldt will win next year.
* Oh good, the drug dealers in my flats are arguing again. It's getting violent. SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO WATCH THE BROWNLOW YOU PRICKS. I'd turn the sound down but this is an absolute fucking thriller.
* COME ON PETER BELL! No six way draw or i'll get less money.
* Melbourne - how shit were they this year? At least the 1997 squad were just shit - this years list could have done so much.
* Walsh's record is safe. Long live the man known mysteriously simply as Whopper.
* Buckley's equal leader now. Best Brownlow EVER.
DID YOU KNOW?
Former Melbourne players receiving votes tonight include Shane Woewodin, Troy Simmonds, Martin Pike and Nathan Bassett.
Current Melbourne players recieving them include not many people at all.

* Somebody is going to get robbed. Try to guess who. I bet he's Asian. AND HE WAS!
* Chris Lamb should get a sympathy vote for the amount of times he was best on ground in the VFL without getting a senior game.
* The umpires are clearly morons. Nathan Brown for Melbourne got three votes against Sydney when 25 of his 30 possessions were clangers.
* The other top contenders haven't polled in R20 either. Go Bell you good thing.
* 9 players are within three of the leaders with two rounds left. Amazing.
* Now some guy is picking up outside. A neighbourhood of mystery for sure.
* They just accidentally got a shot of Adam Goodes being chatted up by a producer. Channel 9 must be confident he's in with a shot.
* I don't think Bell will win it, but that's what I said at this point in 2000 when I stood to win a fortune on Woewodin getting up. Then he somehow got 2 votes in the last game against West Coast when he was about our 12th best player. I hope Bell also benefits from such umpiring rorts.
* Sweet god, they're actually debuting a new "Sophie Monk + teenage stalker" ad. Who writes this shit?
* Sorry, I'm wasting time during the commercial break.
* Mutants are going to do their own version of the LA Riots if Buckley doesn't win this.
* Round 22 - Melbourne vs Sydney. We put more effort into throwing that game than we did trying to win anything.
* I tip Buckley to win this outright. How offensive.
* Bell and Scott Burns robbed again. Judd never a chance. No money for Adam this year.
* FUCK OFF. Bell got about 3000 possesions against Essendon and no vote. I don't give a fuck if they got thrashed - he deserved two at least.
* Buckley, Cousins and Riccuito on 21 apiece going into the last round. Goodes one behind. This is madness.
* 10 people can win it going into the last round. Neitz can't be beaten for Melbourne's 'best'.
* Bucks is home I do believe. I suppose he deserves it. Bell is going to run a place I think but this could be where somebody gets royally shafted. Wanganeen, Bell, Buckley and Crawford have all had awesome games in this round.
* Come on - Peter Bell 3 votes. Nathan Buckley 0 give it to me
* They're doing all the dud games first... what a conspiracy.
* GET A FUCKING DOG UP YOU - AFL PIGS. Bell robbed again.
* 4 way tie at the top. +Crawford
* Riccuito hits lead outright
* Buckley one vote - it's a draw.
* Adam Goodes two votes against Melbourne
* Buckley + Riccuito + Goodes
* TV microphone picks up an inappropriate "fuckin' well done" as some easy listening music blares out of the speakers.
* This result really fucks the dividends up if you bet on one of the winners. You won't get much bling bling if you had Buckley as late as today.
* I'd like to point out that if Bell had got the three votes he deserved in the final game it would have been a four way tie at the top if you don't mind.
* I have the feeling that while Goodes and Riccuito are over the moon Buckley is actually cut not to have won it on his own. Give your share to Bell if you're not happy pal.
* This is bitter Adam, with the same amount of money in his pocket, signing off from Brownlow Headquarters in St. Kilda. Over and out.

And another thing..

I'll tell you what really shits me about the finals (apart from the fact that Melbourne are too USELESS to feature in them with any regularity). I'm sick to death of that bloody tape of the national anthem they play before every non-Grand finals match. Every city in Australia is full of ten thousand musicians who could easily walk out onto the MCG and play the thing before a packed house and would probably do it for free yet they insist on playing this pissy recording from 1986 instead.

The players all line up in perfect formation for some warbler to come out and let rip and then that familiar orchestral arrangement fires up and we're left with the same thing we heard the day Gary Lyon went ballistic against the Dogs in 1994.

Then when they do drag somebody in for the Grand Final it's usually your "where are they now?" Julie Anthony type candidate. I'm no fan of Delta Goodrem, but at least they were onto something new and exciting by hiring her this year before she got sick.

What Merger?

We all knew it already but Channel 10 tonight provided further proof that the Fitzroy-Brisbane amalgamation was nothing short of a cynical attempt to create a Queensland team with a decent theme song and sensible jumpers.

Robert Walls provided us with the 'amazing' stat that "The Lions" haven't won under lights at the MCG since Round 20 1988 when 'they' (i.e the Brisbane Bears) beat Richmond. But I thought it was supposed to be a totally new club from day one of the 1997 season? Was it really an excuse to stack the Bears with some quality players (a ploy that failed miserably. See Carter, Nick) and create a team that bandwagon supporters would jump on? Of course it was.

For the record Fitzroy won two MCG night games between Round 20 1988 and 1996. Somebody alert the monkeys in the Channel 10 production truck.

Round 16, 1989 vs Richmond (123-51)
Round 9, 1992 vs North Melbourne (105-66)

Either acknowledge the shared history or start the Brisbane Lions at Round 1, 1997. Don't hedge your bets and go either way.

Box Boy

Well it's official, from Saturday week I'm moving to St. Kilda to live in an apartment roughly the size of a cardboard box. It'll be just like The Secret Life of Us without the threesomes (you couldn't fit three people in there), pregnancy scares and Samuel f'ing Johnson.

I knew it was the place for me when I went to inspect it and there was a toothless old lady sitting on the pavement outside cackling maniacally to herself. This is the place to be.

David Baddiel and Frank Skinner will be able to buy a small African country each soon if any more Australian TV networks rip off their ideas.

After the Game on Channel 10 is a really good show, based on Fantasy World Cup which ran during the '98 World Cup. I presume it only screens in the main AFL states because the bandwagon "we love the Lions/Bears/whoever until they start losing again" people probably don't understand how the game works without being in a corporate box at the SCG.

Merrick and Rosso Unplanned, however, is based on a rather pointless show they did a few years back where the whole point is that it's 'unscripted' (for them anyway, the audience questions are clearly loaded) and hilarity ensues. To be fair it wasn't that bad but that's not the point. If it's not really spontaneous (and I have my doubts) then why bother? Why not just sit down and write some proper scripts? These two could do an awesome comedy show, this is not it. If it is all done on the spot what's the point? There's nothing funny about awkward silences.

The one advantage of 'unplanned' was that it featured an audience member that was such a nerdlinger he makes me look cool. I demand that he follow me around everywhere from now on to provide an appropriate contrast.

I predict that in six months time when the show has been axed the same people who stacked comment boxes with crap about how Skithouse was misunderstood will haunt the same comments sections and tell us how we don't give Australian comedy a chance or something. I'd like to say hello to them now and point out that I thought they were sad months before they even thought about posting.

I thought the "Socceroos" had a monopoly on the stupidest nickname for a national sports team but I just saw something on television about the New Zealand men's basketball team being called the "Tall Blacks". That's the stupidest thing I've heard since, ummm, ever.

Of course it was an ad for Sports Tonight, and Tim Webster was reading it out - so it could very well have been one of those magical Channel 10 mistakes we haven't seen for a while.

Dear sir or Madam:

Please forgive this follow-up email but my server was infected by a virus and I was unable to retrieve the responses from my first emailing.

My name is Steve Zuwala. I am a Country Music Songwriter and Performer. I have written and performed over 70 original songs. I work hard. I accept instruction and I am willing to learn. I have a great deal of respect for the music industry and I'm looking for representation.

I understand that you receive hundreds if not thousands of these same emails. Artists looking for someone like you to listen and maybe offer them a contract. I am equally certain that many may never make it past first base. But I believe there is a lot of great music out there that will never be heard because it wasn't properly introduced. It is for this reason that I am sending you this email. I believe in my music and I know it's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

I'd to send you my demo. I think you'll find it may be what you are looking for.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Steve Zuwala

If I ran a record label I'd sign him just for comedy value, but sadly I don't. Can anyone out there fit Steve up with an Artie Fufkin-esque A&R man to make his dreams come true?

Scud fans hate TSP

In the comments from a well dated post (July 7th) we get this from an anonymous reader, tennis lover and probably female version of your masturbating teenage Kournikova fan.

You seem to be very unhappy with your life or are very jealous of Marks success. Grow up,

I thought we'd already established the first point was true (though what it's got to do with second rate Aussie sportsmen I'm not sure) and as for the second part I promise to grow up when the Scud does - or when somebody gives me a shitload of cash for smacking a small yellow ball around ad nauseum.

Interesting results in today's Herald-Sun footy poll "sexiest player". As usual the very fugly Mick Martyn ran second with a "huge percentage of the male vote". I love it that so many male football fans are sitting there filling in the ballots going "Oh my god, everyone will think I'm gay if I say anyone but the ugliest man in history". They should have all voted for Chris Lamb instead if you ask me.

Lamb didn't feature sadly. The top Melbourne hero (and he didn't even crack the top 16) was Russell Robertson. He's good, but he's no Chris Lamb.

Melbourne has a new champion of bizarrely named businesses. King Kauliflower and the Chevy Chase Milkbar (Toorak Road, South Yarra) step back because the world famous suburb of Essendon North has the,

PARTRIDGE FAMILY CHIROPRACTIC CLINIC
222 Keilor Rd Essendon North

And their slogan? I kid you not because I saw the place in person today, "Come on everybody, get adjusted!" I laughed so hard I was inconsolable for minutes.

TSP Super Happy Fun Quiz time

Match the celebrity to his/her embarassing novelty song cover version. Most of them are ludicrously easy so it shouldn't be too hard to work out the rest. The winner earns two free tickets to the next Melissa Tkautz concert.

CELEBS

1) Bruce Willis
2) Gwyneth Paltrow
3) Gary Sweet
4) Rolf Harris
5) Jason Donovan
6) Mae West
7) Sid Vicious
8) The Blakeney Twins
9) Craig McLachlan
10) William Shatner


SONGS

a) My Way
b) As Time Goes By
c) Rocket Man
d) Most People I Know Think That I'm Crazy
e) Mona
f) Stairway To Heaven
g) Respect Yourself
h) What Will We Be Singing In The 80's
i) Twist and Shout
j) Bette Davis Eyes

I'm sure Bruce Samazan was involved in some fairly heinous musical crimes too, but sensibly enough not one site on the internet mentions them. And yes I realise that the answer for Shatner could be a) to j) and continuing on down the alphabet, but for the purposes of this exercise he's only got one terrible tune in the list.

My prediction for the future is that Channel 9 superheroes Gav and Waz doing a sparking cover of "I Second that Emotion" by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. Then Gretel Kileen will release her reworking of "Natural Born Killaz" by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube in competition. They will both, however, be knocked off the top of the charts by Mary Kostakidis and Lee Lin Chin's performance of Islands in the Stream.

From Slate,

Fox News channel talk show host Bill O'Reilly says "shut up" the way other people say "um."

On his daily show, The O'Reilly Factor, he uses it as a place-holder for an idea still formulating in his brain. As a way to begin a sentence, end it, or punctuate it. Sometimes he says "shut up" with fury, eyes bulging. When he's being dismissive, he delivers it offhandedly and without real malice. Other times he says it gently, with a minxlike twinkle in his eye, signaling to all the world that he's just being frisky.

And then there's the massive list of all the times he's told somebody to shut up. Here's a few of my favourites,

"All of these spin-meisters on both sides should just shut up until all the [Florida] votes are counted."
—Nov. 9, 2000

"There is no victory for any American in the impeachment trial. The president should be ashamed of himself, and his partisans should shut up."
—Feb. 4, 1999

"Anyway, Kelsey Grammar and Robert Duvall were at this dinner, and [they] both said, hey, Dixie Chicks and all—these people should just shut up."
—April 28, 2003

"I would never tell a general to shut up under any circumstances."
—April 3, 2003

O'Reilly: "Shut up. Shut up."
Jeremy Glick: "Oh, please don't tell me to shut up."
O'Reilly: "As respect—as respect—in respect for your father, who was a Port Authority worker, a fine American, who got killed unnecessarily by barbarians—"
Glick: "By radical extremists who were trained by this government—"
O'Reilly: "Out of respect for him—"
Glick: "—not the people of America."
O'Reilly: "—I'm not going to—"
Glick: "—the people of the ruling class, the small minority."
O'Reilly: "Cut his mic. I'm not going to dress you down anymore, out of respect for your father. We will be back in a moment with more of The Factor."
Glick: "That means we're done?"
O'Reilly: "We're done."
—Feb. 4, 2003

"Believe me when I tell you The Factor goes out of its way to get Democrats on this broadcast. But Daschle has been and remains too frightened to appear. So with all due respect, senator, shut up."
—May 17, 2002

[To an atheist Eagle Scout, Darrell Lambert]: "I want to quote this—'On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and to my country and obey Scout law,' on and on and on and on. I mean, God's in the first 10 words. So why did you have to tell them you were an atheist if you didn't have any trouble reading the oath? Why didn't you just shut up?"
—Oct. 30, 2002

"You can do whatever you want. Just shut up about it. Little kids don't need to know whether you're homosexual, heterosexual, a cross-dresser, whatever. Don't discuss it. That's reasonable."
—Sept. 28, 2000

"I'm asking you to shut up about sex."
—Sept. 23, 2002

O'Reilly: "I don't go running around telling everybody about my sex life, and I don't think you do either, do you?"
Hugh Downs: "No, you don't have to—"
O'Reilly: "So just shut up about it."
—July 2, 2001

God bless whoever went through all the tapes to transcribe these.

Simpsons episode - "A Star is Burns"

Jay: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman, thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9".
Bronson: [in a hospital bed] I wish I was dead. Oy!

And now, he is,

Actor Charles Bronson, perhaps best known for his "Death Wish" films, has died in Los Angeles, California, following a four-week bout with pneumonia, his publicist said. He was 81.

Team MILF end of season trip causing concern

From the Globe and Mail (which is just one newspaper despite the stupid name),

"Confronted with the term 'sex tourist,' most people automatically visualize a bald, corpulent, middle-aged American guzzling Mai Tai cocktails in a Bangkok strip club. It goes without saying that this imagined sex tourist is a man, and probably not a very nice one at that. But at many resorts and holiday destinations around the world, sex tourism is an equal-opportunity pastime these days. European and North American cities are burgeoning with single (heck, married), professional women with money, and libidinous urges, to burn. For the female sex tourist, as with the male, desire is the same. What differs is the method and approach. ... 'A lot of the women who come here, they're good girls the rest of the time, then they come down here and the moment their feet hit the sand, bam! They go buck-ass wild.'"

They should come to Camberwell instead.

No lifestyle shows

Somebody else blogged on this once (raise your hand, I can't be stuffed looking it up), but one site I just can't get enough of is Classic TV Guides. Let's set the wayback time travelling machine (in keeping with the trend of the last post) to a simpler time, almost 22 years ago to Monday September 7th, 1981 and see the highlights of the days programming.

ABC

1.11 Wild Wild World Of Animals
1.35 The Original Laurel And Hardy
2.20 Lassie
2.55 The Adventures Of Sir Prancelot
6.25 The Goodies
6.54 Videodisc
9.55 Country Music
10.45 Close

50 minutes of country music until close? I can't believe they didn't pay MORE than 12 cents a day for that!

7

7.50 New Shmoo
4.00 Shirl's Neighbourhood with Shirl Strachan
4.30 Lassie
5.00 Wheel Of Fortune. Ernie Sigley and Adriana Xenides
6.00 The New Price Is Right. With Ian Turpie. (Premiere)
7.30 That's Incredible
1.20 Close

A veritable treasure chest of viewing for gameshow fans. Sigley version Wheel and the first episode of Turpie's still definative Price is Right. Note that 7 were also having a crack at screening Lassie.

9

6.30 King Leonardo And His Short Subjects
6.55 Go Health
7.30 The Bang Shang Gang
5.30 Family Feud. Daryl Somers
9.25 Go Lotto
9.30 The Don Lane Show

Not too much excitement on 9, although the Bang Shang Gang sound like they could have been providing something more than kiddies cartoons. I see 9 were the only channel doing 24 hour programming back then, and they didn't even fill the graveyard shift with crappy informercials and ads for tabletop dancing clubs either.

10

6.55 Religion
10.30 Bernard King Show
4.00 Simon Townsend's Wonder World
7.30 John Laws' World: National Parks, Playground or Paradise?
8.30 Prisoner
12.30 Close

The undisputed (Bernard) king of the box, even if the ratings say nobody was watching. Five minutes of religion in the morning (which one? It doesn't matter!) plus Towsend, Laws and Prisoner in it's prime = a star studded lineup that the networks would be pleased to have now. Well ahead of their time.

SBS

7.30 World News with George Donikian
8.00 Isaura The Slave. (Brazil)

Very much still in it's infancy. 4hrs 45mins of programming a night, no soccer and no Les Murray. And only one film that sounded like a thinly veiled porno. On the upside celebrity South Melbourne supporter Donikian features strongly.

Time Travelling nut exposed

Remember Caz's time travel spammer? If you don't you're not trying because it only happened yesterday

Wired has a report on the nutbag behind the scheme.

A trail of Internet clues has fingered Robert "Robby" Todino as the source of the time-travel messages. In a telephone interview last week, the 22-year-old Woburn, Massachusetts, resident admitted that he has sent nearly 100 million of the bizarre messages since November 2001.

"It almost feels worthless now because the people who are monitoring my every move always seem to win. But it's the only form of communication I have right now," Todino said.

His father, Robert Todino Sr., worries that malicious users have preyed on Robby's "psychological problems" and bilked him out of money.

"What bothers me is that some people are trying to sell him equipment and take advantage of him," said Todino Sr. "He's invested a lot of money into it and has been hurt by it."

But Robby insists that he is "perfectly mentally stable," and that the time-travel technology he seeks is out there somewhere.

"A lot of people will say the stuff I talk about is crazy and out of this world. But I know for a fact that it is true and does exist. Untrained minds may disagree with me, but they don't have access to the sources that I do," he said.

He continues,

Todino believes that if it hadn't been for an intervention by "the conspiracy," he might finally have laid his hands on a time-travel machine.

"There are forces that are constantly monitoring, and anyone who tries to send something to those coordinates will get it blocked," he said. "But certain intergalactic couriers have the means to deliver the stuff to me. And I'm sure if I pursued it I could get something out of that."

I've travelled into the future (President Schwarzenneger sends his regards) and I can tell young Mr. Todino that he's got an extended stay in a psychiatric facility coming his way.

Public Apology

You may remember way back (well a couple of months ago anyway) when I rated the AFL club songs I gave the impossibly jaunty Sydney tune a rather low rating. Well after hearing it in full today for the first time in ages, and realising that it has a twanging banjo solo in the middle, I've decided to award it extra points. They don't do the bizarre "Up there Cazaly" ripoff song in Melbourne now either, which is a positive step.

I ranked them 11th, behind Essendon and Carlton but I'd now like to jump them above both those two.

You can be sure, though, that no matter how many times I hear the Port Adelaide song (and everytime is a torture) I'll never like it. I'm going to find some forgotten old tune and rip it off shamelessly to create them a new song one day. Not today though.

Speaking of that theme songs post a charming creature known only as "yo" (as in, "Yo dude - this guy is a dickhead") posted a comment a few days ago that said...

eagles rule eat shit

You can't argue with a well thought out and crafted argument like that.

They never even sent a card

On the verge of the AFL finals I think it's time to reflect on the day I helped Collingwood win the 1990 Premiership. Yes I, as a 9-year-old, helped the Pies to their first flag in years.

1990, the first year of the AFL under it's new name, was an odd one. Round One featured the Brisbane Bears winning and Hawthorn beating Geelong in the Grand Final rematch by 125 points. Next week North Melbourne would score more than two-hundred in a 121pt victory over the hapless Tigers. Ludicrous scores were the order of the day almost weekly, you barely ever see a team crack 150 in a game yet thirteen years ago it would happen every round. Essendon finished the home-and-away season as minor premiers and earned the first finals week off. Melbourne and Hawthorn would clash in an elimination final (The Demons would beat the Hawks for the second straight week) and Collingwood would play West Coast at Waverley. This is where I come in.

I've got no idea why I was there that day, I think the guy from school I went with must have been a Collingwood fan or something. Given that the only other memory I have of this guy is that we once played Double Dragon II on my NES and he lived near the old Camberwell tip we can't have been that close friends.

It was a close game all day. Collingwood by 5 at quarter-time, 12 at half-time and 2 at three-quarter-time. They were kicking to the scoreboard end during the final term and were clinging onto a one point lead deep in the last quarter when the ball was driven inside the Eagles 50. Peter Sumich took a grab deep in the left forward pocket and was lining up his kick when the final siren sounded. We'd been standing right up on the fence in that pocket all day, and now with the scores level and time elapsed one of the top goalkickers was standing a few feet from us lining up one of the most important kicks of his career. How did we react? With a sense of awe befitting the occasion? With respect for the enormity of the situation unfolding in front of us? Hell no, we started abusing the bastard with all we had. I can't remember exactly what was said, I'm sure that I wasn't as foul mouthed then as I am now so it was all probably pretty weak ("You're a very stupid stupid head man!") but the desired effect was had and he missed the kick causing a draw. You may note I'm conveniently ignoring the fact that it was a ludicrously hard kick and instead claiming victory for Victorian football on my own behalf but you'll have to live with that. The crowd of 57,546 (thank you AFL Tables) fell silent and a replay was scheduled a week later on the same ground.

We then proceeded to ransack the belongings of the Eagles cheersquad as they were having a kick on the ground afterwards. The rolls of stickytape I flogged from them that day were still being used in my household well into the middle of the decade. Sadly the big wooden pole I flogged was slightly less useful and spent most of it's last few years sitting next to our fridge waiting to be used for something.

I've never actually seen the game since, but if the camera angle focuses on him in front of the crowd you'll surely see me hurling some fairly lame abuse at ol' Pete.

The Eagles had enjoyed the last of their luck by forcing a draw and lost the replay by 59 points. They went on to beat Melbourne by five goals in a Semi Final at their third Waverley game in three weeks before losing to Essendon in the Prelim final. The Pies faced off against the Bombers a week later in an October Grand Final, punched on at quarter-time and ended up as 48 point winners.

So, Collingwood's 1990 Premiership could not have been possible without me. Sadly I've never been able to engineer the same sort of result for Melbourne, although I did cause Tony Modra to kick ten goals in a game for Fremantle during 1999 by specifically requesting to his face that he didn't do it an hour before the game and I informed Shane Woewodin he was going to win the Brownlow halfway through the 2000 season to which he responded "Nah, not this year" and proceeded to win the thing, play a couple more ordinary seasons for us and then get traded to, conspiracy theory alert, Collingwood.

Maybe *hint* Essendon will *hint* lose their first finals game by a record *hint* margin this *hint* year?

"Music Television is shit" shock

I'm watching Video Hits. No idea why but I am, and it's fulfilling all my suspicions about how shit the songs in the Top 40 are. I look at the charts every week and am lucky to have heard one or two of the top 20, after watching this show I'm happy to return to blissful ignorance.

And could they play that bloody ad where the guy horns onto the Shakira cardboard cutout any more? It's on once every ad break. I know they're bankrolling the show but surely as a huge multinational company they've got more than one advertisement in the vaults that they can use. How about something with a scantily clad Britney Spears and a donkey?

And there's another cover of Boys of Summer going around. Is that song becoming the new "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"? A standard cover for every bogan with a guitar and drums.

Whoa, and don't get me started on this band Jet. How they managed to launch a record company bidding war is a mystery to me. Tonight on Channel 10 "When cocaine snorting, ponytailed record executives go too far" - a shocking tale of "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING PAYING THESE DUDS 5 MILLION DOLLARS?"

All the excitement of the finals...

Except that we're shit. Yes, it's the final day of the season for Melbourne fans who have been tortured by our worst season since the infamous 1997 shambles. And have I told you how much I hate this fucking priority pick? Even I, the most strident person in favor of taking anyone who suggests throwing the games to get it outside a shooting them, am having a crisis about what I want to happen today. I just know deep down they'll use the extra pick on some dud who's never seen a football in their lives before, some kid from the jungles of Tanzania, so we may as well win today.

I must say I won't be celebrating if we do, and I won't be upset if we don't. Thanks to the AFL for screwing up the last round of the year for us.

Conspiracy

Isn't it suspicious how clearly shit film "The Hot Chick" was universally panned by critics when it first came out in the cinemas but now that it's been released on video/dvd they've decided it's not so bad after all? One star ratings are suddenly 2 and half stars.

Brown paper bags full of cash involved somewhere along the line? I think so.

Ungrateful Bastards!

What is it with Melbourne players missing a whole season and then deciding to piss off to another club for cash?

Steven Powell missed all of 2001, came back in 2002 and then pissed off to St. Kilda at the end of the year for a fat wad of cash.

Now Guy Rigoni is looking at a similar scam after missing all of 2002.

I'll be following the progress of Troy Broadbridge very closely next year, after knee and shoulder injuries put him out of action this season. If he even hints at legging it to another club I'll be calling for a Royal Commission.

Away with you

I'm tremendously amused by the cover of the Primary Colors DVD that contains a glowing endorsement of the film as "a must see" by Richard Wilkins.

Who seriously expects anyone to give a shit what Richard f'ing Wilkins thinks about a film?

Dilemma

For those of us who follow shit AFL teams it's becoming harder to know who you want to win the thing this year.

If North or Hawthorn had made the 8 it would have been a lock, you'd go for them in the first week and then say "oh well, it was never meant to be" when they got knocked out then sit back and watch some interstate team win the thing. But who do we get representing Victoria instead? Bloody Essendon and Collingwood.

Now I've never hated Essendon, but ever since that day they traumatised me by reeling in a 45 point lead in the last quarter and winning by one I've been deeply suspicious of them. The 2000 Grand Final didn't help, and the less said about the Matthew Lloyd "Oh I have been shot! Now I will kick a goal" incident from a few weeks back the better. I revelled in their Grand Final loss a couple of years back and predicted them to fail miserably this season - sadly they actually look a chance.

Collingwood is a tough one for me. I might be the only person in the world who doesn't go for them that actually somewhat likes the Pies. They've got a very jolly theme - come on, where else have you seen the word "cakewalk" used in a song? - and their colors are sensible. We also beat them a lot in the past. Besides that I have many friends who go for them, and as long as they're not playing Melbourne I'd rather see them go home happy then hold the sort of grudge that everyone else has without actually knowing why.

I even quite like Eddie McGuire. Does this make me an awful person?

On the other hand I hate those fucking mutant fans in their cheersquad like "Joffa" who should be forcibly sterilized. You'll never hear the end of it from those glory-hunting idiots if they win it, so we don't want them to get up.

As for the others, Brisbane have had it enough. West Coast have good colors but a shit theme song. Port Adelaide have neither of the above. Fremantle have a song that everyone except me hates. Sydney winning would mean there's only two sides that won the comp for the last time longer ago than Melbourne and Adelaide are ok, I still have fond memories of them doing St. Kilda in 1997, but I can't stand Wayne Carey or Ronnie Burns.

The best case scenario for me would be for Essendon to somehow heroically make the GF, against Sydney or Fremantle and then lose by a point in the last minute to a Jeff Farmer/Troy Simmonds/Troy Longmuir goal when Matthew Lloyd gives away a freekick causing a goal (why's he playing in defense? I haven't decided that yet.), and resulting in Kevin Sheedy spontaneously combusting in the coaches box.

It's going to be a long September.

Straight to hell

Battle Royale is the sort of film only the Japanese would make, and even then it's only to make sure we all know they're sicker than the "Ilsa - She Wolf of the SS" producing Germans (actually I think it was American, but work with me here).

I'm not sure what sick bastard sat around and thought up a film where 42 14-year-olds butcher each other on a deserted island in some zany government program but I've got the sneaking suspicion that they're probably in charge of childrens programming on Tokyo TV or something. It's not that bad a movie really, there's some rather entertaining moments in it (especially the introduction video the kiddies have to watch) and some tremendous brutality for those of you who enjoy that sort of thing, but it's not exactly required viewing. Bizarrely enough there's a running countdown of how many of the little dears are still alive - it looks like one of those jolly Japanese horse racing games you download and attempt to play despite a complete lack of understanding of the language.

That said I'd watch the sequel which has apparently been made - even if it does seem reminscent of that rotten Rutger Hauer film "Wedlock", a movie so bad it features a walk-on part by Warwick Capper.

IMDB should give me a fat cheque for all the links to them I've done in this post.

I hate reality television

I can't say I've ever actually watched an episode ("Hey, so what would you know then?" Fuck off!) but I've been seeing these ads for Australian Idol and have been left distinctly unimpressed. I don't understand the obsession some people have. The "traffic accident" justification only goes so far - if we really enjoyed watching television that made no sense and continuously lurched from disaster to disaster the Mick Molloy Show would have made a far greater impression.

It all seems a little, I don't know... weak? Your reality show stereotypes (fat guy, pretty chick, crazy ethnic dude with big hair) stand around singing horrid renditions of songs that have been covered by every lounge singer in the world a hundred times better and we're supposed to ring up and vote as to which one was best. A nil-all draw if the ad is anything to go by. If one of them got up and sung "Fuck tha Police" or "Cop Killer" I'd tune in - but they did "What a Wonderful World" instead and I threw up.

I should have entered this competition and done my award winning* karoake rendition of "Dreadlock Holiday". That would have given these pop music rejects to think about. And even if I failed at least I could ask Marcia Hines for Deni's phone number.

Call me when they take all the remaining contestants and either shoot them or lock them in a house somewhere.

* Most pissed performance - 2001-03

Bizarre Camberwell

We used to have a videogame arcade called "Magic City". It was a tremendously silly name, but from it's opening in the mid 90's until it's closure just months ago it provided many great memories.

I remember the four-way Daytona USA challenges where we'd bet money that, for the day, was completely absurd. Thankfully despite being shit I reguarly benefited from the catch-up logic of the game and managed to win. The greatest victory was one where I engineered a massive last corner crash and stormed home to win the money.

I fondly recall firing the puck of their inappropriately placed Table Hockey game out the door and halfway across Burke Road. How we laughed - especially as it almost decapitated a group of irritating schoolchildren. Well, some other irritating schoolchildren anyway.

It was there that I clocked Virtua Striker 2 countless times.

You could tell it was on the way out a year ago when they took half the machines out and put a big wall in the middle of the place. Then suddenly, as I walked in to continue my love affair with the Rescue 911 pinball machine that had such a low replay score that you could spend half a day playing on $2 it was all walled up. The days of high-class videogaming in Camberwell are over.

After a few months there's a sign announcing that a cafe (shock horror!) will replace Magic City. And what are the geniuses behind this project going to call the new upmarket eatery for the local yuppies.... It's going to called, umm, "Magic City". These people really have no imagination.

Telecommunication troubles

I may have lost my trusty old Nokia 3310 phone. There's a chance it could still be in my locker at work but I'm preparing for the worst.

Is this the end of the phone with the Melbourne AFL cover, Super Mario Brothers ringtone and absurdly high Snake II High Score (2092 - for anyone taking notes)? More news as it comes to hand.

Raelians can help you escape the catholic church

But where's the fucking cloned baby already you FREAKS? The bloody thing should be almost a year old by now and ready to take over the world with it's super UFO-aware intelligence and genetically mutated and/or robotic limbs.

"Each year, Brazil's Catholic Church is losing millions of 'faithfuls' because they prefer religions that are more suitable to their way of life. The Raelian Movement of Brazil commits to increase this bleeding by revealing one of the Church's best kept secret: all is required to officially get out is to fill out an Apostasy form and send it to your diocese."

Great One Hit Wonders

#5 - Chumbawamba - Tubthumping (1998)

What a bloody irritating song this was. Even worse that it was by a bunch of British hippies who were destined never to be seen in the charts again. You might, if you've got a good memory (and are somewhat sad like me), remember it as the theme song to the first season of the NRL with different, team related lyrics ("We love the Rams!" "We love the Raiders!" "We love the Storm!") and a shot of Kim Beazley waving a Newcastle Knights jersey around as if the Perth Reds had never existed.

Anyway, everyone seemed to fall in love with it. Maybe it was just because it gave pissed people all over Australia something else other than Khe Sanh to sing with complete strangers at 3:45am on a Sunday morning. You'd even see groups of schoolkiddies wailing it on television (usually on something rancid like the Midday show) with conveniently replaced lyrics to mask the bits about drinking and pissing. It topped the chart for an ungodly amount of weeks (well, three anyway) between modern classics (ha!) Barbie Girl and Dr. Jones by Aqua. Dr. Jones actually stayed on top for 7 weeks but it's almost certain that the amount of play it got during that near two month period was one tenth of what Chumba got in their three weeks. Even the people who were queing up to buy the single in the first week were wishing it away after three.

Of course this was a period of undoubted slump for the Australian charts when you would struggle to find a half decent #1 song anywhere between "Don't Speak" by No Doubt (February 16th, 1998) and "No Scrubs" by TLC (May 16th, 1999 - hey, I said we were struggling here ok?) so it's no surprise that this song had it's chart success buried by the sheer amount of mediocre tracks going around at the time.

You'll still hear this on pretty much every radio station going around. It's one of those songs that the pop wankers will claim to fit their key demographic but that the rocking rock music stations (and Triple M, who pose as one) know will cause fat builders to dance around and sing as well.

Where Are They Now? When not writing left-wing protest music and picketing shit they've got a homepage that is helpfully "supplemented with links to anarchist websites." You can download a selection of wanky protest songs on topics like the war, sweat shops and almost certainly gay Eskimo rights. Sadly their lefty credentials are sort of shot to pieces when there's a huge banner reading "Online shopping now accepts credit cards!" all over the page though. I thought capitalism was evil? "But the profits all go to saving the oppressed Greek communist fishermen!" they probably said. Lies - we all know it goes to paying for another bong.

Reasons to visit South Florida now non-existant

From the Sun-Sentinel (don't these Americans have zany newspaper names?);

Threesomes are out. The Holy Trinity is in.

A former swingers club downtown is being turned into a church, bringing religion to a spot infamous for its 300-square-foot bed, adult videos and private sex rooms. Sunday morning crowds looking for spiritual fulfillment will replace patrons who spent early mornings looking for fulfillment of a different kind.

Neighbors say it's a prayer come true.

"A friend pointed out that it's going from sex club to God's club, so this is really a great feeling for all of us," said Ken Crawford, president of the local neighborhood association. "We've been working hard to get rid of prostitution, drug use and crime, and this will be the type of stable institution the neighborhood can build on."

God's club? There's no money in that. Ken Crawford's just bitter because the previous owners wouldn't let him in.

Nintendo = Yeast

What's the silliest idea you've ever had for a videogame? Big Brother simulation? All action in-depth political strategy in "National Party - The Offical Game"? A water-polo management strategy title? Well, whatever it is you've been beaten.

I posted about a Wuthering Heights RPG way back on November 11th last year with the contention that it was the strangest idea I'd ever seen - but I think we have a new winner.

Ladies and gentlemen of the gaming community, and indeed the world. I present to you,

Sack of Flour, Heart of Gold!

As Sack of Flour, a simple sack from a simple farm, your life is threatened by a plot to bake you to death! You must escape certain annihilation across the pernicious plains, the heinous hills, and through the ferocious forest into an unknown world where greater evils lurk around every corner.

The plot to end your life is far greater than you can imagine though, extending across space and time. Why do aliens want you dead? How have they taken control of our produce and livestock, and most importantly, our past? You must learn to master the Cosmic Gateways leading to the Shadow World and save the universe to save your life! You are SACK OF FLOUR!!!!!!!!!

Available for download now! Can you afford to wait a minute longer?

If only...

.. we had a government sensible enough to ban Big Brother,

Parliamentary officials said parents had complained about boozing and sexual shenanigans on the series and most Malawians felt it might encourage immoral behaviour.
But lawyer Noel Chalamanda said Parliament had overstepped its mandate when it banned the show on August 5.

He said it had denied Malawians their right to free information and participation in cultural issues of their choice.

Malawi Television director general Benson Tembo says the broadcaster will consult with its board before deciding whether to air the show, which has shocked many conservative viewers.

Conservative viewers are always shocked. I can't understand why, surely they're watching some jebus program at the time the offensive content airs aren't they?

Meanwhile I can't believe somebody wrote the word "shenanigans" in an allegedly serious piece of journalism. That's always been my dream.

Worrying trend

I have no idea why I find it so amusing but that ad where the guy plays "Tequila" on the Saxophone for 30 seconds and then the crowd yell out "TOSHIBA!" at the end cracks me up severely. I'm not even sure it's supposed to be comedic.

Off to the funny farm I go!

I really can't come up with a catchy title for this

From BBC Wales

A man decapitated himself by tying a rope around his neck and attaching it to lamp post before driving away at high speed, an inquest has been told.
David Wackett from Bridgend, in south Wales, tied a slip knot around his neck and as he accelerated away, the rope tightened and took his head "clean off".

The 25-year-old's body was discovered by a colleague in the early hours of 6 December last year, in the car park of the B&Q store where he worked night shifts.

After hearing evidence from police that a website existed advising on this method of suicide, Bridgend Coroner Philip Walters said: "I find it quite incredible that web sites like this which tell you how to commit suicide in so many different ways should be allowed to exist.

So what? If people want to die, and they can bring themselves to take the ultimate step then they should know the facts of what does what and be able to choose a method they're comfortable with. Would these tools prefer this guy tries unsuccesfully to hang or shoot himself and end up as a vegetable for the rest of his life? Would they prefer he drove his car into traffic at high speed and killed innocent people as well? They'll tell you "oh we didn't want him to die at all!" with that kind of childlike innocence of somebody who doesn't quite understand what it feels like to stop living, or thinks they do because they wanted to die after Balmain lost the 1989 Grand Final. I've had crushing depression for the best part of the last ten years and there's plenty of times when the multitudes of different medication I've taken haven't worked (I don't even bother now) and I've wanted to end it all - I guess it's lucky for me (!?) that I've got some kind of mad self-preservation DNA thing happening that means I've never been able to do it but I'll admit to having, in some of the lowest moments of my life, looked at the very site they're talking about (I believe this is the document they're referring to if you're interested) before realising I couldn't go through with it. It was almost as if reading it made my realise what a mad, clinical thing I was considering - when you're sitting there reading people's discussions about which direction you should slash your wrists in to achieve the fastest possible death and actually thinking about doing it right there and then it suddenly seems like such a stupid idea. It suddenly came to me that if I was really serious I wouldn't be sitting there reading about it, I'd already have gone and done it - probably with pissweak "a 12-year-old girl could cut deeper than that - you can't even kill yourself properly DICKHEAD!" results. Then you realise that the people writing this haven't done it either, they're as big a bunch of softcocks as you are.

Of course some people, like the Welsh guy in the article, will go through with it but who are we to judge what they did was wrong? If they achieve what they set out to do it should be seen as, I won't say a 'good' thing, but not the terribly negative way it's portrayed. I feel terribly for the families of people who commit suicide, especially if there's no reason given, but the fact of the matter is that the person who owned the body felt they didn't want to live any longer and did something about it. It's tragic, but in a fucked up way it's a blow for self determination - your body, your choice.

I'm still not enamoured with the idea of living life in a world I, for the most part, hate but I'm starting to realise I'll have to learn to live with it but I'm not going to sit here and post about how if somebody is feeling suicidal they shouldn't do it because it's not up to me (or anyone else) to tell someone that. Only they know. All I say is make sure you're 100% sure you know that it's what you want - because I shouldn't think that it would be the perfect time to realise that life isn't so bad after all while you're bleeding to death on your bathroom floor or plunging off the Westgate Bridge.

Well that's lowered the tone of this blog hasn't it? I know I don't discuss my personal life much (read: at all) but this just had to be said.

8-1? 8 bloody 1?

Nice to see two teams who in the not-too-distant future were merely a footnote to history taking their place in the Nationwide Conference this season.

The conference, for those non-soccer types and Premier League bandwagon scum amongst you is effectively the 5th division of English football. The actual football league itself (Division 1, 2 and 3) were always reluctant to let the Conference teams in at their own expense - and the denial of Stevenage Borough's promotion a few years back was one of the more cynical and corrupt decisions you'll ever see outside of a Manchester United match - but they've finally relented and allowed a 2 up, 2 down system from last season.

Yeovil Town and Doncaster were the two sides promoted. It's Yeovil's first time in the league, and Doncaster's return after five seasons in the wilderness. Their last season in the league was a farcical tale of dodgy business dealings and fraud. In fact the Chairman at the time paid an ex-SAS man to torch the Stadium, a cunning plan which was only rumbled when the secret service genius left a message on his phone saying "The jobs been done" after half the ground went up in flames.

The two sides unlucky enough to be relegated from the league last season were Shrewsbury (conquerors of Everton in the FA Cup) and Exeter City (who boasted magician tosser Uri Geller as Chairman and Michael f'ing Jackson as an honorary board member).

The real story in the Conference this season, though, is the return to the semi big-time of Aldershot Town and the oddly named Accrington Stanley.

The original Stanley played in the old Football League from it's foundation in 1888 until they collapsed under a mountain of debt in 1962 and were kicked out of the league. The new club was formed in 1968 and as their name was being used as the punchline in a milk ad (the premise was that they died because they didn't drink enough milk - christ I hate advertising execs) they were fighting through the lower realms of the game. Last year's winners of the Unibond Premier League (the northern feeder competition to the conference) they're just one promotion away from an historic return to the league who booted them out more than forty years ago.

Aldershot, on the other hand, left the league a much shorter time ago. Ironically enough, considering they both find themselves in the same league now, during 1992 they became the first side since Accrington to leave the league in the middle of a season. Crushed with debt they were taken over by a supposed "white knight" investor who actually turned out to be a teenage kid with a gift for speaking bullshit and too much time on his hands. They folded soon afterwards.

Starting the new club in the very same season, five divisions below where they had previously been, they rapidly rose through the divisions and were a fixture in the Ryman Premier League (the Southern conference feeder) for five seasons before finally capturing the championship last year.

They're both inspirations to sides like AFC Wimbledon who are attempting to do the same thing, albeit in a much shorter time. Along with AFC (season starts tonight!) I'll certainly be looking out for their results for the rest of the year.

AFL player = Klepto?

Now, Carey shagging Anthony Stevens' wife is one thing - but this is just taking it too far.

Not sure of where this comes from, as I got it off the Bigfooty.com forums but it was in the Herald-Sun today as well.

Carlton again has pledged to stand by troubled ruckman Laurence Angwin after the 20-year-old was charged last week over the burglary of teammate Karl Norman's house.

In the latest in a series of run-ins with police, Angwin is alleged to have broken in to the Brunswick home of Norman through the roof. He is alleged to have stolen electrical goods and DVDs.

Carlton spokesman Ian Coutts yesterday said the club was aware of the new charges and would continue to work with Angwin, a 200-centimetre ruckman once tagged the new Shaun Rehn.

"We know there are some issues. We are aware of that and we are dealing with them with Laurie," Coutts said. "We will continue that work . . . in the hope that we can benefit both (him) and the Carlton footy club."

Angwin, the No. 7 pick in the 2000 draft, was delisted by Adelaide in 2001. He was picked up by the Blues this season after playing with the Box Hill Hawks in 2002.


Last month, he appeared in Frankston Magistrates Court on charges that he burgled a Chelsea house in May last year and stole goods worth $540. He is also facing charges over the theft of $113 worth of goods from an AFL sports store in July last year. He will reappear in court next month.

Last September, Angwin was convicted and fined $625 by the Adelaide Magistrates Court after he was caught driving with a blood alcohol reading of 0.107 per cent.

Angwin made his AFL debut against Melbourne in round 14 and has played three games and kicked four goals. He was a late withdrawal because of a groin injury from the team that lost to Port Adelaide last Sunday, but has been named in a back pocket in the Northern Bullants' VFL team to meet Springvale tomorrow.

What a wonderful teammate this idiot must be! Wonder if anything has mysteriously gone missing from Optus Oval in the last few months?

Shake shake shake - shake your lefty

Remember my old friend Peter Woodforde of Melba, ACT? Hero of the Green Left Weekly letters page?

Well he's started on the Herald-Sun page as well. Today's effort was something to do with John Howard and masturbation. Suffice to say that the moment I saw those two things in the same paragraph my brain went into "avoid" mode and I forget everything I'd read. Shame really, because if it was calling Howard out on his wankfest "don't marry if you can't breed" philosophy it probably made sense too.

Meanwhile he failed to contribute anything to the Green Left letters page this week.. Hmmm suspicious!

Disturbing political results

This page tells you what US Presidential candidate you should vote for judging on your political opinions. I'm a bit worried about my closest match,

1. Sharpton, Reverend Al - Democrat (100%)

Luckily my real choice is second,

2. Dean, Gov. Howard, VT - Democrat (96%)

Then it gets frightening again,

3. Green Party Candidate (95%)

Dubya comes in at a pissweak 27th of 33. I wouldn't vote for that nutbag if you paid me.

I wish they all could be Californian elections

Politics1.com has a full list, with links to official websites, of the final 135 candidates for the Californian Recall election here. It also tells you what each of them does for a job when they're not trying to scab their way into the Governor's Mansion through the backdoor. 

Here are some of my favourites

Iris Adam (Natural Law) - Business Analyst & Frequent Candidate 

Angelyne (Independent) - Entertainer & Billboard Self-Promoter 

Joel Britton (Independent) - Communist Political Organizer, Retiree & '02 Illinois Governor Candidate 

Art Brown (D) - Filmmaker 

William Chambers (R) - Railroad Worker 

Mary "Mary Carey" Cook (Independent) - Adult Movie Actress (She's got my vote! - Adam) 

Larry Flynt (D) - Pornography Magazine Publisher & Casino Owner 

Leo Gallagher (Independent) - Comedian 

Jack Grisham (Independent) - Punk Rock Band Lead Singer & Laborer 

Ivan Hall (Green) - Dental Lab Owner, Ex-School Bus Driver & Navy Veteran 

Paul "Chip" Mailander (D) - Golf Pro 

Mike McCarthy (Independent) - Used Car Dealer 

Paul Nave (D) - Businessman, Ex-World Welterweight Boxing Champion & '00 State Assembly Candidate 

Bill Prady (D) - TV Sitcom Producer & Writer 

Kurt "Tachikaze" Rightmyer (Independent) - Middleweight Sumo Wrestler 

Darrin Scheidle (D) - Electronic Fingerprinting Firm Owner 

Peter Ueberroth (R) - 1984 US Olympics President & Ex-Major League Baseball Commissioner

I'll say this thousands more times before October 5th, but... Best Election Ever.

Newspaper angst

Somebody once said to me that the Herald-Sun was the newspaper you only read outside of footy season. I think he was right. If you could read The Age without the aid of a dining table and they had a decent sports section I'm sure they wouldn't be lagging sadly behind the tabloid nutbags in the circulation stakes.

The last few weeks have proven everything that's wrong with The Hun; as it's affectionately known. It started a few weeks ago with a front cover story about a horse called "Oky Pinoky" (a name that I find strangely comical I must admit) who bit some kiddy at the children's playground he was living at. It was a human interest story (on the front page - hello big-time journalism!) with plenty of heart-warming shots of the beast eating food rather than a child for once.

That was lovely. A one-off comedy story to take our minds off the death and destruction in the world today. Except last week there was another article. Ol' Oky had been shipped off to some other place with kiddies and had taken a bite out of one of them too. Now I open today's paper and not only is there half a letters page of people writing in about the bloody thing but there's also a poll on whether or not it should be put down (you'd have to be a pretty heartless prick to vote yes, but it's not really the case) and, AND a f'ing article about how the bloody horse is now managed - yes managed - by Harry M Miller.

So, anybody who rings in and votes to shoot the thing will have to get through notorious media whore Harry first.

Sad.

Adam = sex beast of the east?

Camberwell's reputation as lookalike HQ of the planet earth has taken a decided turn for the sinister. How I laughed at our female versions of Ian Knop, Dame Edna and Mark Latham - then it turns out the number one sex pervert of the eastern suburbs is doing a sterling imitation of - erm - me. It was in yesterday's Herald Sun Crimestoppers page.

Of course now is the time when my scanner refuses to work, so I'm admitting it sort of looks like me yet I can't post the picture to prove it doesn't really. Conspiracy is probably obvious, but when I make my scanner work again I'll be sure to put it up.

If you know me and/or look closely you can tell the differences are obvious - but I still have visions of old ladies smacking me out with their handbags as I walk down Burke Road.

Of course Camberwell is the nerdlinger capital of Victoria, and every second person walking around looks like that (too many internet cafes and network game places you see - and no I've never been to one, I like to confine my nerdy activities to the home) but it's not the point. Were this hornbag not significantly shorter than me with curly hair and had I not been in the midst of my every-week-without fail Wednesday trivia-night rampage at the time (and, you know, the fact that I'm not into flashing my knob at people in public) I'd be worried about the SWAT team booting my door down in the middle of the night and performing a Camp X-Ray style abduction. Besides, I wouldn't offer anyone money to get naked - they should be honoured enough to do it for free.

Suffice to say, if posting suddenly stops here with no explanation habeas corpus has been suspended and I'm being flogged repeatedly with the Yellow Pages L-Z in the basement of the local Police Station.

Great One-Hit Wonders

#4 - Tommy Tutone - 867-5309/Jenny (1981)
What an odd song this was. A tribute to those phone numbers you always see on bathroom walls purporting to be the personal line to a woman who'll shag you no matter how much of an idiot you appear to be. Of course these numbers are probably written by jilted lovers who take great delight in flooding their estranged partner with thousands of calls from horny men. Or so I've heard anyway. Of course in this song he's far too sensible to actually call the number and does something questionable with it instead ("I tried my imagination, but I was disturbed").

The band formed in 1978 and their first single "Angel Say No" scraped into the Top 40. The two follow-ups off their self-titled first album failed to crack the charts but the album sales were good enough to earn a support spot on the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers tour. In 1981 this song, from the Album "Tommy Tutone 2" (imaginative!) became their biggest hit ever - reaching the Billboard Top 5 and propelling the album into the top 20.

The next single failed miserably, as did their album "National Emotion" which barely charted and led band leaders Tommy Heath and Jim Keller to disband the group. The name was back, however, in 1992 as an entirely Heath-driven project. The last album was 1998's "Tutone.rtf". Incidentally this contained the song "Jenny's Calling", as sequel of sorts to the big hit, about Jenny's daughter. Very mysterious.

In the interests of research I attached the standard Melbourne prefix of '9' to the start of this number and called it. It actually comes up (on my phone at least) as "Number not in use". There's a conspiracy in that if you look hard enough.

Where Are They Now? The frankly irritating Tutone official site has no news on a new album - but a tour dates section lets us know that as late as the 2nd of this month they played a show in Pensacola, Florida (at the Quiet Water Boardwalk Bushwhacker Festival no less) alongside fellow one-hit superstars "The Knack" - who we may get to eventually. Tutone lives! Even if the infamous phone number doesn't. Try it in your own area code - but don't mention me if you get done for nuisance calling.