In this era of global warming and environmental consciousness, where even people watering their gardens with ‘grey’ water get bricks thrown at them by concerned citizens, is nobody concerned about Christmas lights? The amount of energy being spewed out to power the thousands of suburban displays must be obscene. 

And for what? At least if you're going to help stick the final knife in planet earth you may as well be doing something of importance. Like writing this post perhaps. It will contribute more to society than some riggy display featuring Santa’s considerable sack. For all the brown coal required to power this post you can come back and read it in six months, or god forbid write back and tell me to stick the entire concept. 

Take note, this is probably the first and last environmentally friendly post you’re ever likely to see on TSP. 

 P.S - Christmas? Bah.

Glittering Prize - TSP's Top 100 of 2007

Welcome to the most glittering prize in world music - the TSP David Lee Roth Award for Song of the Year, featuring the largest countdown yet.

As ever, the rules.

* Only two songs per artist. Sorry New Young Pony Club, Fantastic Playroom may be the album of the year but that doesn’t mean squat in this countdown.
* Re-releases are acceptable as long as they were released again on album or single this year and I’d never heard them before. Complete ignorance of the Klaxons output from last year sees them score a guernsey here.
* No covers. Although you could do worse than checking out Staring At The Rude Bois by Gallows and Lethal Bizzle.

For those of you who have come in late, the top 5’s from recent years are as follows;

2005

1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot
2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure
3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La
4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
5. Bloc Party - Helicopter

2006

1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill
2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It
3. Silvia Night - Congratulations
4. Lily Allen - LDN
5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

And, err, that’s it. On with this year’s spectacular - top 30’s are tremendously boring, so this year the countdown has been extended to the full 100. This means that the ‘essential’ tracks stop around number ??, but the rest are definately worth a listen anyway.

100. Lost Penguin - Pleasurewood Kills

99. Bondo De Role - Office Boy

98. The Cold War Kids - Hospital Bed

97. Kinski - Passwords and Alcohol

96. Those Dancing Days - Those Dancing Days

95. Glasvegas - Daddy’s Gone
Yes they are singing in English. Cue the thickest accents since Trainspotting. Sadly you don’t get subtitles on a song.

94. Passions - Emergency

93. Remi Nicole - Lights Out

92. Bloc Party - Flux
Where Kele and friends listen to too many Klaxons records and decide to go ‘new rave’

91. The Courteneers - Acrylic

90. Black Francis - Captain Pasty

89. Cut Off Your Hands - Still Fond
Still below Dave Dobbyn and Herbs in the all-time top 100 New Zealand artists of all time.

88. Kate Nash - Foundations
All the available evidence says I should hate this, but I sort of like it. Fool me.

87. The White Stripes - You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You’re Told)

86. Good Books - Passchendaele
World War I meets pop music. At last?

85. The Heavy - Colleen
Sleazy 60’s blaxploitation music. Back at last.

84. Dizzee Rascal - Pussyole (Oldskool)

83. The Sounds - Tony the Beat

82. The Hives - Tick Tick Boom

81. Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong - Lonely Buoy
The skinniest man in music, fronting the worst named group in the world. Still ready to be a massive star by this time next year.

80. Vampire Weekend - Mansard Roof

79. Santogold - L.E.S Artistes
Touted as a massive ’summer’ hit. You heard it here first. Though I heard it from somebody else so if you never hear about it again it’s not my fault.

78. Beck - Timebomb

77. Black Kids - I Wanna Be Your Limousine

76. Future Of The Left - Plague Of Onces

75. The Satin Peaches - Well, Well, Well, Well

74. Koldun - Work Your Magic
Belarus’ contribution to Eurovision 2007. Quality cheese pop.

73. Hadouken! - Superstar

72. Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip - Thou Shalt Always Kill
Massive novelty track that was funny the first time you heard it, and irritating the second.

71. Candie Payne - I Wish I Could Have Loved You More

70. Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
Catchy for five minutes, annoying after five listens.

69. Malajube - Montreal -40c
It’s in French, but don’t let that turn you off.

68. The Pigeon Detectives - Romantic Type
Twattish ‘lad rock’ band in decent song shock horror.

67. Les Savy Fav - Raging In The Plague Age

66. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Down Boy
Who am I to ignore orders from Karen O? And how much does the guitarist look like the guy who shot everyone in that mall the other day?

65. The Killers - Tranquilize
B. Flowers, special guest Lou Reed and whoever else is in that band in “Filler track tacked on to ill-advised ‘Best Of’ CD is actually quite good” shock horror. The children’s choir at the end may as well have been chanting “WE WANT TO BE U2!” for all the stadium rock ambition that this track screams out.

64. Everytime I Die - We’re Wolf
Shouty.

63. Anonymous - Salvem Mon
The Andorran entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. No wait, come back. It’s actually the sort of quite decent, bouncy, pop punk that people would whack off over if it had been done by Avril Lavigne and produced by somebody famous. Criminally not voted through to the ‘Balkan Heavy’ competition final.

62. Babyshambles - Carry On Up The Morning
Pete Doherty Esq. Is he on heroin or not? One way or the other it’s becoming fairly obvious that Babyshambles are disconcertingly similar to The Libertines in that they have a handful of good songs amongst a massive sea of slop. The only difference is that the ‘good’ Libertines songs were absolute certified gold corkers, while the ’shambles variety are merely ’serviceable’.

61. 1990’s - Cult Status
One of the few songs ever to suggest that they are shagging the listeners wife.

60. The Wombats - Let’s Dance To Joy Division

59. The Courteneers - Cavorting
For the record “cavorting” is one of the greatest words ever invented.

58. We Start Fires - Hot Metal

57. Jakobinarina - His Lyrics Are Disasterous
Icelandic. This is the most multicultural countdown ever.

56. Grafton Primary - Relativity
An Australian song. That’s the most ludicrous thing yet. Usually I don’t hear anything local that I like until I dissect the Triple J Hottest 100 countdown when they replay the videos on Rage. This is a potentially great song ruined by one line in the chorus that is so unbelievably bad that it almost derails the whole thing.

55. My Chemical Romance - I Don’t Love You
Yes, it’s an emo power ballad. Fuck you.

54. Does It Offend You Yeah - Let’s Make Out

53. Pharoahe Monch - Desire

52. Calvin Harris - The Girls
The chorus is great, the verses are moderately tripe. But the great definately outweighs the slop.

51. The Wombats - Moving To New York

50. The Gossip - Jealous Girls

49. Jamie T - Sheila

48. The View - Same Jeans
aka: The only half decent song on the “video jukebox” thing that I had on my flight to Thailand. Queue watching it ten times in eight hours.

47. Charlotte Gainsbourg - The Songs We Sing
Notable for the bit where she scares a small child.

46. Rufus Wainwright - Rules and Regulations

45. My Chemical Romance - Mama

44. CSS - Alala

43. Reverend And The Makers - Heavyweight Champion Of the World
Enjoyment of song ruined firstly by the revelation that the Rev is a complete wank, and secondly by every other song on the accompanying album being worthy of gouging your eyes out to.

42. Swizz Beatz - It’s Me Bitches
Don’t be decieved, not Swiss. ‘Clean’ version changes the title to ‘Snitches’. Pissweak.

41. The Pigeon Detectives - I Found Out

40. Kubichek - Stutter

39. Enter Shikari - Ok, Time For Plan B

38. Maximo Park - Our Velocity
Former #2 place getters in this list. Desperately unlikely to ever make anything as good as Apply Some Pressure again.

37. The Fratellis - Flathead

36. The White Stripes - Icky Thump

35. The Lovemakers - Whine & Dine
I’m not entirely convinced this isn’t either a cover or based on something else, because it seems absurdly familar to something from the mid 1990’s.

34. The Hold Steady - Stuck Between Stations

33. Guts - And The Living Is Easy (Dynamics Remix)
One of the rare times when a remix is better than the original.

32. Just Jack - Starz In Their Eyes
Potential top ten smackdown of TV talent shows, ruined by a farcical spoken word rap part at the end. Jennifer Lopez excelled at those and look where she is now. OUT.

31. Peeping Tom - Mojo

30. Black Francis - Angels Come To Comfort You
The man formerly known as Frank Black and “that bloke from the Pixies” returns with a concept album about a Dutch painter. That should equal disaster. This was pretty sweet though.

29. Dizzee Rascal - Sirens

28. Smashing Pumpkins - Doomsday Clock
I don’t recall anyone inviting the Pumpkins to come back, but this was a cracker. Better than anything they’d done since Bullet With Butterfly Wings.

27. Kanye West - Champion

26. Klaxons - Golden Skans
So I didn’t hear it last year… And it did get re-released so it’s in.

25. Republic Of Loose - All Mine
Filthy and Irish.

24. Calvin Harris - Acceptable In the 80’s
Fun TSP fact: I love 80’s house music. Therefore I loved this.

23 - The Young Knives - Terra Firma
The first single from the new album for last year’s #1 act. Probably the most underrated band in the world. Tour here you bastages.

22 - Happy Mondays - Jellybean

21 - Little Man Tate - Down On Marie
In which ecstasy fuelled 3-ways are given their long awaited chart airing.

20 - Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong - Lucio Starts Fires

If I was this thin I’d be famous too.

19 - MIA - Jimmy

Sri Lankan singer with Tamil Tiger connections goes Bollywood with spectacular results.

18 - Good Shoes - Morden

Despite the rather unflattering portrait of South London I still want to live there.

17 - Brother Ali - Watcha Got

White rap? GET OUT. No actually come back, it’s quite good.

16 - Arctic Monkeys - Brianstorm

15 - New Young Pony Club - Get Lucky

Finally released as a single when they realised that they couldn’t get away with putting ‘Ice Cream’ out for the 200th time this track would be all over commerical radio if the programmers listened to music rather than scouring focus groups and results and snorting cocaine off prostitutes.

14 - Klaxons - Gravity’s Rainbow

Two of them are currently on with members of bands that appear above them in the countdown. Girl power? Who knows.

13 - The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control

Shouty pop. You can’t argue against it.

12 - CSS - Music Is My Hot, Hot Sex

Sounds like it was made in somebody’s basement, yet is still epic. Apparently the bit in Portuguese at the end is quite filthy so feel free to translate if you’re fluent in that kind of stuff. Bonus points for having a singer called Lovefoxxx who is simulatenously weird looking and cute.

11 - Gallows - In The Belly Of A Shark

The long awaited arrival of shouty 21st century punk. You’ve got to respect a band that could dissolve at any moment so that the lead singer can go back to being a tattoo artist.

10 - Art Brut - Direct Hit

Novelty band, half-novelty song featuring a singer named after a supermarket. But, then again what’s wrong with being named after supermarkets?

9 - The Decemberists - O Valencia

Romeo and Juliet updated for the kids again - this time in song form. One of the videos of the year (ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ‘Piano Wire Girls of Burnside’) and a fine song as well.

8 - The Twang - Either Way

The world’s biggest Oasis fans make the ballad that the Gallagher brothers never really married. Wonderwall? Fuck that for a joke, this is so superior that it’s almost depressing how many millions of dollars less that The Twang will make. Oasis still ahead overall, but it’s 1-0 Twang when it comes to love songs.

7 - Gallows - Abandon Ship

The shoutiest song ever to be top ten in one of these countdowns. Makes me want to jump around like a mad bastard.

6 - The Cribs - Men’s Needs

Ignore the video with the half naked woman prancing about (they’re being ‘ironic’, or something, kids), the awful haircuts spawned by the entire band or the fact that the singer is bonking Kate Nash and concentrate on the song instead. Lovely stuff. Rest of the album subject to the law of diminishing returns.

5 - Jack Penate - Spit At Stars

Everything else he’s done is total bollocks, but this is class. Bouncy, poppy and as catchy as fark. But is he gobbing at planets or celebrities? We may never know.

4 - Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent

Second album moderately inferior to first, but still high on corker value. Teetering on the brink of being the band of the 00’s. And they’re all about 13-years-old. Doesn’t that make you feel old? Over the side of the Westgate Bridge we all go.

3 - The Teenagers - Homecoming

Simultaneously filthy and sweet offerings from the same French hornbags who bought you a song about stalking Scarlett Johannsen. Features one of the great choruses of modern music but is about as likely to get played on radio anywhere as the spoken word version of Hitler’s Mein Kampf read by Ben Cousins. Liven up your family Christmas by whacking this on the turntable and seeing if Grandma can decipher it.

2 - New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream

The standout track from the album of the year and, for good measure, the music from the Intel ad. What more could you ask for? How about a song so catchy that it even makes me want to dance.

1 - The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

The first song I loved this year, and a constant fixture in the playlist throughout. Features one of the greatest organ solos you’re ever likely to hear. An instant TSP classic.

Great Moments in Advertising

I hope she got suitably compensated…



Because from now on everyone she knows is looking at her and seeing the Big G.

Having said that, I reckon that Tia and Gonorrhoea would be a great name for a singing duo. They could be the Mel and Kim or Captain and Tenille of the 21st century.

Devon '07

KR = the new PM and a brand of processed meats. Suspicious? But will he turn out to be regarded as nothing more than a,



Meanwhile I was one of 698 people to vote for one of the candidates in my seat,

Am I…

a) A Family First supporter?
b) A Democrats voter?
c) Supporting quality local independants?
d) A dumb cunt?

We report, you decide.

Police = Down With The Kids

The story is fairly standard - teenager drinks self into a coma. Happens every week, don’t know why it’s newsworthy all of a sudden.

However, check out the quality commentary by the officer in charge of the case;

There was little police could do when people were drinking in a private home, Sgt Clarke said.

But he urged school leavers to have a responsible adult with them when they partied.

“These young people, in a lot of cases, have got little or no experience with alcohol and they’re going out and absolutely cutting sick with no idea of what they’re doing,” he said.

ZOMG! Fully sick! Good to see the police finally getting with the youth of today. Not that it always works though…

Let’s face it, teenage drinking hasn’t been on the agenda since that kid couldn’t walk across the log in the ad during the 80’s. And if you listen the people who get hysterical about ‘recreational’ drugs they’ll probably tell you that it’s better that she necked half a bottle of Smirnoff then it would have been to honk onto one E. So kids, drink it up.

AFL National Draft - the only analysis you need

Cheers to the AFL for taking five minutes out from trying to shaft North Melbourne and uploading the full list of this year’s draft nominees to their website. 

Over the National, Pre-Season and Rookie drafts there will be about 150 players selected, but the good news is that over 1000 have nominated. I knew I should have thrown my name into the ring. Who cares about Phantom Drafts and who Melbourne will select at number four (actually, now that you say it…)? 

The only categories we need to worry about this year are, 

1. The Troy Wilson Memorial Award - for players who are still trying to crack it for an AFL career despite advancing years. 

9153 - Ben Power - Northern Knights (23/02/1979)
9886 - Simon Duckworth - West Perth (26/06/1978) 

10304 - Dean Buszan - Peel Thunder (16/12/1980)
100618 - Ashley Eames - Casey Scorpions (1/2/1979)
110738 - Allan Burridge - Braybrook (28/11/1977)
110761 - Nathan Sellwood - Sunbury (22/07/1977) 

2. Why are you here? - Former players who are highly unlikely to crack it for another spot on a senior list.
10156 - Caydn Beetham - Old Xaverians (37 games between 2000-2002 with St. Kilda)
10120 - Damien Cupido - Essendon (53 games. 2001-2001 and 2003-2005)
9567 - Jordan Doering - Bendigo (18 games for Carlton, 2001-02)
110873 - Andre Gianfagna - Northern Knights (As seen in one NAB Cup game for Melbourne)
6843 - Ben Hart - Adelaide
10455 - Cameron Hunter - Melbourne (2 games, 1 kick in 2003)
7178 - Clark Keating - Brisbane Lions
9404 - Andrew Kellaway - Richmond
10179 - Cory McGrath - Carlton (78 games for Essendon/Carlton. 2001-06)
10432 - Bo Nixon - Hawthorn (3 games for Collingwood, 1 for Hawthorn. 2003-04)
9316 - Lance Picioane - North Melbourne (77 games for Adelaide, Hawthorn and North. 1998 and 2000-05)
9929 - Ezra Poyas - Richmond (9 games. 2000-02, a year on the Melbourne rookie list and hot VFA action ever since)
10393 - Will Slade - Geelong (17 games. 2002-03 and 2006)
10457 - Nick Smith - Melbourne (4 games. 0 hope)
100709 - Llane Spaanderman - West Coast (3 games for Brisbane, for the Eagles. Please draft him so I can finally reuse my “Enter Spaanderman” headline)
10281 - Keren Ugle - South Fremantle (4 games for Fremantle in 2001)
9672 - Peter Walsh - Port Adelaide (Surely he retired..)
9511 - Shane Woewodin - Collingwood (?) 

3. The Jaxon Crabb Trophy - for players with ludicrous names
111036 - Deon Alec - West Perth
112342 - Jaxson Barham - Barwon Heads (surely the winner?)
111202 - Thomas Bellchambers - Launceston
111035 - Byron Bonner - Mazenod Old Collegians
111041 - Maslan Braun - Southern Districts
111636 - Caolan Buckley - West Adelaide
112118 - Billy Burstin - Oakleigh Chargers
111064 - Jethro Calma-Holt - Waratah (See also Category 4)
111750 - Flinn Chisholm - Geelong Falcons
21037 - Christopher Christopher - Hurstbridge
112315 - Tasman Clingan - Richmond
112522 - Eljay Connors - Bendigo Pioneers
112004 - Myke Cook - Sandringham Dragons
110382 - Benet Copping - Fremantle
110872 - Bronik Davies - Northern Knights
112347 - Keegan Fortescue - Peel Thunder
112929 - Cruze Garlett - Perth
111042 - Tracin Geary - Swan Districts
111742 - Rennie Gilchrist - Sandringham Dragons
110902 - Grae Grant - Perth
110726 - Ashton Hams - South Fremantle
114138 - Kyal Horsley - Subiaco
110601 - Markham Johnson - Tasmania
112507 - Haelen Kay - Gippsland Power
111951 - Jak Kennedy-Hunt - Geelong Falcons
110404 - Ruory Kirkby - Glenelg
111815 - Layton McMahon - Woodville West Torrens
110545 - Preston O’Keefe - Claremont
112385 - Judd Robson - West Adelaide
113939 - Zephaniah Skinner - Claremont
111718 - Orren Stephenson - North Ballarat
111583 - Kobi Wilson - Bendigo Pioneers
111674 - Tauryan Zimmer - Southport 

4. Diamond Valley Under 9’s Award - for players nominated from footballing non-powerhouses
111857 - James Blaser - Moe
110800 - Ryan Castles - Wesley College First XVIII
110426 - Matthew Clarke - Labrador
114139 - Bradley Craig - Lower Plenty
110470 - Brett Dore - Nar Nar Goon
11517 - Russell Gabriel - Cora Lynn
114091 - John Gray - Boisdale
114143 - Daniel Haralambopoulous - South Morang
110848 - Andrew Johnstone - Ganmain Grong Grong Matong (WHAT? We have a winner!)
110823 - William Lang - Broadmeadows
112265 - James McArthur - Newton Chillwell
20792 - Saad Saad - Seymour
114099 - Dwayne Sampie - Keilor Park
11402 - Aaron Torcasio - Beaumaris Amateur
111682 - Hamish Townsend - Lake Cargelligo
110986 - Nathan Twomey - Balmain
114106 - Kristopher Wozniak - Newcastle City 

5. The MIA Award
Where’s Philthy Phil you crunts?

Thank God We Stitched Up The Wogs (Part 20)

Hasn’t Australian soccer come such a long way since the supposed ‘bad old days’, where people would punch on and make dickheads of themselves. Wait, what’s this - it’s just as bad now as ever? Don’t tell the A-League marketing department or they’ll have a nervous breakdown.

POLICE have used capsicum spray to control wild fans at a soccer A-League clash between Sydney FC and Melbourne Victory at the Telstra Dome.

Eight fans were evicted from the venue last night while one person will be charged with possessing a flare, Senior Constable Wayne Wilson said.

Several people suffered lacerations from the unruly behaviour, he said.

About 32,000 fans packed the Telstra Dome last night to watch Sydney and the Victory battle their way to a nil-all draw.

Sen Const Wilson said police were forced to use capsicum spray to separate rowdy Sydney and Melbourne fans inside the ground after the game.

He said a plan was in place before the game to separate the two groups of supporters on opposite sides of the venue.

After the game, Sydney fans were moved to a function room to allow the Melbourne supporters to leave the ground.

Some of the Melbourne fans made their way onto the ground and set fire to rubbish, while Sydney supporters in the function room threw chairs around, Sen Const Wilson said.

Police were disappointed with the behaviour of the crowd, he said.

The plan to separate the two sides stopped the incidents from escalating, but it “shouldn’t have got to the stage it did,” Sen Const Wilson said.

“We will be having discussions with the league, venue operator and any other stakeholders to curtail this behaviour in future,” he said.

Earlier in the evening, police cordoned off a Bourke Street venue in the CBD where Melbourne Victory fans were gathered, to stop Sydney fans entering.

The only difference between this, and a kwality klash between Heidelberg and Brunswick Juventus in 1987 is that it’s being played at nicer venues. It’s amazing what people get away with when they have yuppie fans and play at a yuppie stadium.

UPDATE - Of course seriously put on outrage (I mean really, who gives a rats?) is one thing but you can always rely on the Herald Sun comments section for somebody who is deadly serious to make a complete cock out of themselves. Step forward I. Roberts of Kew,

This is further proof that multiculturalism is a failed policy. Ethnic hatreds are still evident in these so-called ethnically-neutral clubs. Everybody knows that Sydney is backed by the Yugoslavian people and that Melbourne is a Greek/Italian/Maltese club. Rival fans organise brawls to settle ancient scores putting the safety of Australian families at risk. Ban this unpopular “sport” before inncocent people are seriously hurt. I wouldn’t be surprised if the terraces are breeding grounds for Muslim extremists given Sydney’s large Arab fan base.

People like this actually vote. Consider that. On November 24th there will be Ian Roberts’ across the nation casting their ballots. Scared? You should be.

Shame #3: Taffy - I Love My Radio

(Originally posted at ShameFM)

Italo Disco is the ultimate in shameful genres. At least your generic Bee-Gee type disco sold records. It may have been shit but it kept hundreds of producers and record company executives knee deep in cocaine for the entire late 70's. Of course Italo had no actual connection to the genre it shares a name with, especially as it came a good four or five years later towards the mid 80's. The only thing the two share is what the kids call "Hi-NRG" sounds and a predilection for being completely shit.

However delve deeper into the wide world of Italo and you'll find some of the catchiest dance music of the 80's. In fact the genre as a whole rips traditional disco a new a-hole. Tonight we present one of the finest, and most underrated, tracks of it's era. This is Taffy and I Love My Radio



Presumably you will think two things upon viewing this clip.

a) Phwoar Taffy goes alright (may only occur if you're male and can ignore the fact that she's wearing the same hat that Krispy Kreme give out to impressionable children to wear)
b) What in god's name has any of the clip got to do with radio? If she didn't actually appear in it herself you'd swear that they'd just lined up stock footage of a day at the drag races. Couldn't they have at least taken her to some rinky dink community station or something? At least she could have driven a 80's model Triple M Black Thunder around the track. Except that she was British and therefore would have no comprehension of the power and majesty of the Black Thunders.

To be fair she does briefly appear in a studio, but then for some reason ends up back inside what appears to be an Ice Cream Van driving around the circuit. But don't let the clip related shenanigans detract from what is an otherwise fine song. Note for the instance the line "now the radio is my mind's new video" which, despite really meaning nothing, cleverly subverts the message in Video Killed The Radio Star. After Buggles declared radio dead Taffy came to us not to bury radio but to praise it. Incidentally this song was a hit in France first, and when it crossed over to Britain they had to edit it so it didn't mention "midnight" radio because barely any stations actually broadcast after midnight.

Let's face it you're never going hear Taffy rocking it in a club no matter how of a retro angle they're trying to get over, but it's certainly catchy. The single edit in the above video chugs along for four minutes and never outstays it's welcome, while the "extended" mix runs for about nine. We recommend that if after watching Taffy do her Penelope Pitstop impersonation you seek out more Italo classics. See for instance Eddy Huntington and Mike "Agent Of Liberty" Mareen. Yes, it's shame music and you won't tell anyone you listened to it but you'll be rewarded if you do.

Shame Rating: - Quite shameful.

Missing The Point

The great “ZOMG! WATCH OUT FOR TEH EMOS” campaign continues - with variable results.

However, older members of emo - short for “emotional” - who spoke anonymously to The Sun-Herald said 12- and 13-year-olds were drinking heavily or using marijuana and ecstasy.

Members? Do I get voting rights at the annual Emo board elections if I join up? And do The Emo have more members than North Melbourne?

Reasons to hate Craig McLachlan

1. Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2 - Mona
2. The way he totally dominated Check 1-2 and never let them shine
3. The classic stand-up routine on the Sydney Footy Show where he talked about shagging dogs and almost got booed out of the building.
4. This pose

Granted that nobody is going to come out of an awkwardly staged shot like this with any dignity, much less when they’re standing behind a woman in a floral shirt that your grandmother wouldn’t have been seen dead in even in the 80’s but Craig is such an accomplished fuckup that he manages to make himself look like even more of a dick. Harold and Madge have got it right, and the other bird (Kylie?!?) is coming out of it respectably but he’s just got no idea. Complete bollocks.

Yet he’s famous and we’re not. Enough said.

Annoy TSP Week Continues

Actually this sign has been shitting me for years. Corner of Punt Road and Bridge Road, Richmond.



As you can see from the picture they’ve repainted their sign several times already but somehow have neglected to change the fact that their address is spelt wrong. Those of you outside of Melbourne (and there must be one or two) will be excited to know that it should read “Gertrude Street”, not “Getrude” - unless they’re trying to make some sort of obscure political statement - which I seriously doubt because they’re a paint shop with a logo flogged from Breakfast At Tiffany’s and not a serious organisation. Either that or they’re owned by Rodney Rude.

Should I ring them up and inform them of this? Do you think anyone has ever pointed this out before? It still doesn’t top the place on Smith Street, Collingwood which patriotically exclaims that it sells “Australien” flags.

P.S - Surely there’s a spelling error in this post somewhere that will allow you to make an “OMG HOW CAN U BAG THEM WHEN U CAN’T SPELL ZOMG LOL ROFL BBQ!” comment. But the moment you do I’ll correct the error and delete your comment so nobody knows - that’s what democracy is all about.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse

0-4 (0-5 in all but name) and Even Rebel Sport don't know we exist anymore.



Somebody hold me.

(and NO I was not actually trying to buy a "Rib Knit Surf Beanie" when I found that. In fact I wasn't buying anything - support you club and buy direct from them you dogs!)

P.S - Garland and Petterd to debut? Why the fark not. Can't see why they dropped Bizzell and Ward though.

What’s wrong with Australia - Part #72

a) People who make, buy and wear garish commemorative t-shirts for their holidays.
b) People who wear said t-shirts to events intended to mark death on a massive scale - i.e the Gallipoli dawn service.
c) The fucking “Fanatics” full stop.

Tip rats one and all.

Picture from the Herald Sun who, being the chief bogan rag, you would assume endorse these jackoffs.

The Death of Popular Music (Pt. 2)

Once again I’m not for music being blamed for anyone doing anything but if there’s some way we can blame Fall Out Boy for something and have them shot out of a cannon then I’m in 100%. Feel free to write in to Today Tonight and tell them that this track makes you want to shoot a flamethrower at nuns or something.

Just get the fuck out. When you can’t even get your pissy text message speak right (Mmrs? Mmrs? HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO COME OUT AS MEMORIES?) you may as well admit you’re artistically a fraud, take your millions of ill-gotten dollars and adjourn to the island of slops never to be seen again.

I suggest they be dropped in deepest Ukraine for a special one off Fall Out at the Fall Out concert live from the fourth reactor of the Chernobyl power plant.

...

I’ve been accused of being heartless more than once on here but how can a story like this do anything but break your heart? I’ve always advocated the position that if you’ve thought it out and see no other way then you have every right to take your own life - but what do you know when you’re 16? It’s such a sad situation that it’s almost beyond explanation but this isn’t an isolated incident - the only reason we’re reading about in the papers is because the girls were declared missing in the first place. Hundreds of teenagers take their own lives around the country every year and but for a handful of them you’d never know. It’s all very well to waffle on about the road toll but there doesn’t seem to be much publicity about this other than the papers putting some farcical “Call Lifeline” message at the bottom of any suicide related story they run.

This is not completely uneducated commentary. I was sorely tempted to do myself in every day from 15 to my early 20’s. Not in a teenage cry for help way either. The only thing was I could never bring myself to do it - it all seemed too gruesome and the idea of being found like that did nothing for me, not to mention the people you leave behind. If you have to do it then do it but you should at least consider the prospect that the grief you’re suffering in life will be passed on to your loved ones many times over once you’re gone. But for a few momentary losses of plot in the last few years I think I’ve beaten it now but sadly there are at least two girls who will never know whether or not things were going to get better.

Finally it’s wonderful to see societies bandwagon jumpers climbing on board the fact that the two girls were something resembling emo and using it to run some bullshit line about dangerous subcultures and cults. The Age, at least, gives this line of thinking no respect whatsoever.

While mystery surrounds the apparent suicide pact of Melbourne teenagers Stephanie Gestier and Jodie Gater, attempts to blame the ‘emo’ subculture - based on overtly emotional and angst-ridden rock and its punk-gothic fashion - appear baseless.

You can see households all over the nation where people who have absolutely no idea are sitting around going “we must stop this emo!” “these emo people are killing our kids!” In fact I’ll bet you any money that as we speak the producers of both Today Tonight and A Current Affair are sitting around trying to work out some way to paint kids on the steps of Flinders Street Station as a threat to national security in a story that “no parent can afford to miss”. Dogs.

Having debunked the “Zomg it’s emo!” myth it’s a shame then that The Age can’t show a bit more respect and insist on having a prominent link to one of the girl’s MySpace pages. Any danger of letting the poor girl rest without giving strangers the opportunity to perform the cyber equivalent of rummaging through her possessions after her death? Reprinting the tributes from her friends is some of the tackiest ‘journalism’ I’ve seen. The link is right there in the article I’m reading but damned if I’m going to click it and join in the grim rubbernecking. The person responsible for posting that link and anyone who clicks of it should be ashamed of themselves.

Wonderful world isn’t it?

UPDATE - The sick fucks who are searching for pictures and info about these girls on google are worse than anyone. Take a good hard look at yourself you fucks.

Shame #2 - Juice Newton - Queen Of Hearts

First there was disco shame - now let us introduce you to pop/country shame stylings of world renowned two hit wonder Juice Newton. Leaving aside the searching power ballad "Angel Of The Morning" for now let's take a look at her other momentary flash of pop superstardom - Queen Of Hearts. There are so many reasons to be ashamed of liking this song. The fact that it is as 80's as anything ever released is chief amongst them - that it is barely disguised country is another. But when has barely disguised 80's country/pop ever been a bad thing? To be entirely frank I like Islands In The Stream so this is an absolute doddle for me. Another point against Juice is that it has one of the shonkier clips in a long standing tradition of bad 80's videos. The highlight of this is Juice being put in jail just for making a man fall off a swing. This IS as ridiculous as it sounds. The song itself, though, rattles on charmingly and always makes me nod along. In an ideal world I'd also sing along but that's never going to happen unless I'm really, really drunk. What really takes it to another level in my book is the clever double layered chorus where just when you think they're going to verse up again it goes into the "laying out another lie" bit. Most importantly her voice suits the track perfectly - especially when she sings "fooooooool" - it's just nice and there's not enough niceness in music these days. The whole track might be as cheesy as f**k but there's a certain indisputable feelgood factor to it. In an era where everything's about bitches, hos and shaking that ass what's wrong with a 'nice' song? With it's appearance as one of the songs on the K-Rose radio station in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Queen Of Hearts has enjoyed somewhat of a revival amongst younger people that hadn't heard it before. Despite this, and the related images of driving over people in trucks and shooting them with machineguns while listening to it, you would not drive down the street with your windows down and 100% Juice blasting over the stereo. Therefore it is a natural inclusion in the Shame FM files. But just how shameful? Shame rating: - quite shameful Disclaimer: This Juice Newton not to be confused with Leigh "Juice" Newton who played 13 games and kicked 6 goals for Melbourne in 1997. We do, however, believe this to be the first and so far last example of 80's country pop forming the basis of a sporting nickname.

Dia De Los Muertos

What are you supposed to say? With half the squad already suffering from the black death we show up to find out that Johnstone and Moloney are out as well. So obviously we knew we were going to lose before the game even started - the question was by how much. In the balance of things I'm actually not too depressed about the result given that the boys ran and tackled their hearts out today. They were outgunned and outmanned (especially after Whelan/Bell/Jones necked themselves) but at times they fought like their lives depended on it.

First I'd like to address the attendance. Every one of our fans who stayed home and watched the game on TV because they knew we were going to lose should be ashamed of themselves. Of the (very generous) 16,000 crowd we were almost outnumbered by Fremantle fans. This is the biggest embarassment yet - when we start winning again one day I'm sure all the rats will pour back onto the sinking ship in huge numbers. Was also good to see the MCC section almost deserted - you have to prise money out of those bastards with a crowbar anyway and then the moment we start losing they piss off and pretend we don't exist. Fuck them - come the day of the football revolution I hope they're the first people lined up against a wall and shot. I'm aware that being an MFC fan who is against elitism is like being a communist who owns a multi-national corporation but somebody has to be the left-wing faction of our fanbase and I'm putting my hand up to be it. Towards the end of the season look out for the specially commissioned "BURN THE MCC MEMBERS DOWN" banner to get a run high in the Southern Stand.

As I said I'm proud of the way the team carried themselves today in a complete lamb-to-the-slaughter situation. I doubt there has ever been a more obvious winner in a match between two 0-3 teams, and when the question of who would play on the red hot Pavlich was left to either Nathan Carroll (who is having an absolute Nicholson of a season) or Paul Johnson (who is barely a ruckman/forward at the best of times) you started to wonder whether Pav could extend the record for the Dockers goals in a game. And guess who that was set against?

Speaking of Nicho he was spotted today sitting in the injuries enclosure with TJ, Moloney, Rivers and for some reason Ben Holland (too shit for Sandy?). I know Carroll is a better disposer of the ball but some of his cack handed attempts at spoiling today almost made you wish for the days of Big Jack. In fact let's go even further back - I wonder what Seecamp and Ingerson are doing these days?

We were second best - nothing more, nothing less BUT there were signs. Adem Yze got a million touches - only half of them were any good or made anything but he was a million times harder at it and more interested than he has been for many games. On top of it he kicked what could very well be the goal of the year (were there not a massive conspiracy against us in competitions such as this) with an indescribable shot from Row ZZ of the bottom deck of the Ponsford Stand. Davey also improved significantly from the first three weeks. Pickett added toughness and the chase/tackle across the whole squad was heartening. The least they can do is go out there and fight their hearts out even if we're going to get massacred.

Bate was good in getting it but he's from the Brad Miller school of delivery and has absolutely no idea what to do once he does. I will say that it heartened me to see his reaction when he kicked that goal in the third quarter. I love to see a player lose the plot in celebration after he's booted one - this is the kind of guy I'm willing to persist with even if he is frustrating at (most) times. Obviously he cares which is exactly what I want to see in my players. Lynden Dunn was great on the ground up front and provided a much needed target which, though not spectacuarly successful, allowed Brad Green to roam further up field and play a good game.

The good news for Freo fans was that during the third quarter even though young Jeffrey is suspended (possibly for life - who knows when he's coming back) we were still dealt our traditional beating by the Farmer family when the umpire of the same name felt the need to make some of the worst decisions since that Brad Green free-kick last week.

Thanks also to Chris Tarrant. The most overrated and overpayed player in the competition was nice enough to do his bit to keep us in it with some stereotypically rotten kicking. In fact after murdering Daniel Bell (and then kicking a soft goal while Bell was being helped off field) he was completely shit. But then again anyone who has watched pretty much any game he ever played other than Queens Birthday '03 would have seen this coming. There aren't many players who would cause me to protest if we signed them - I'd rather have Luke Williams back in the forward line than pay $2.50 for this clown. Whatever Freo are paying him it's ten times too much.

Then to top it all off Whelan, Jones and Brown have all necked themselves as well and will miss next week. Godfrey broke his nose and Bell was knocked goofy but both will play next week. Did you ever thought you'd see the moment when we were so crippled by injury that you'd actually be happy that Godfrey was available? It's a milestone. If only they'd retained the Philth he'd probably be in the leadership group by now - but hey what does two months in a row of BOG's in the seconds get you at this club anyway? You've just got to have compromising photos of the coach and a horse as certain players seem to and you'll make a career of it.

Then there's that epic sook Headland. I don't know why you'd boo him - it's not like he's done anything to us - but I'm not entirely sure why he should be treated with any reverence either just because he was (allegedly) wronged last week. Fair enough he shouldn't have played today, and appears to fit the perfect stereotype of brainless footballers, but what's he supposed to do about the tribunal being gutless swine? Of course there's the wider issue of why people spaz out when others say blatantly untrue things about their families but Des wouldn't be the first person to (allegedly) fall headfirst for the oldest un-nerving technique in the book. If you really have to belt somebody for saying something about your kid, mum, sister whoever then good for you but don't try and use it as an excuse to get off. Imagine beating somebody down in a pub, making a threat to kill and then going into court and telling the judge that he said he'd done X, Y, Z to your kid. You'd be convicted and fined before you even finished talking, but in the twilight world of the AFL somehow it makes everything worthwhile. Farcical.

Crowd Watch
What farking crowd?

Byron Watch
I love that guy.

Coaches Box Watch
What's the poor bastard supposed to do? Even the staunchest critics - in which I often rank - have to admit that there's nothing that can be done when the entire squad are falling apart in unison. I feel like I should go up and hug the guy - imagine if you work in, let's say I.T, and your job was rapidly going down the tubes. You've got a few months to save your arse and suddenly the mother of all viruses rips your computer network to shreds and leaves you trying to run your business on an Atari ST. You'd probably drink a bottle of scotch and jump off the Westgate - this guy has to front up to the media and 'supporters' (though if you weren't there today and don't have a good reason then feel free to shut the fuck up) and explain himself. It's not enough to get him another year at the helm but christ you've got to feel for him don't you? The question is now does he throw himself on the live grenade and play kids in the next few weeks or try to save his own skin with the allegedly tried and true likes of Holland/Ferguson. Should be interesting and/or depressing to find out.

Votes

5 - Yze (Wins by default really. A lot of his touches were cheap and/or botched but his endeavour was a million times increased on anything we've seen recently. And that goal? PWAH! Better than Davey from the same spot last year)
4 - Green (showed great leadership despite dealing with a generally headless unit)
3 - Miller (still has no idea what he's doing but goes at it hard, and if he can bob up for 2 goals a week he'll cover his position)
2 - Dunn (ran hard, showed enthusiasm, threw it about a bit. A vital cog in the side)
1 - Pickett (fired us up in the first half. Showed how much his gutsy approach has been missed in the opening three weeks of the season. Not fit enough to run out a great 4 quarters but his mere presence is enough to inspire me at least)

Apologies to Bruce, McDonald and Davey who were serviceable. All three remain CRUCIAL to any chance we have of avoiding a complete apocalypse this season.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

11 - McDonald
11 - Bruce
8 - Green
6 - Miller
5 - Neitz
5 - Yze
4 - Jones
2 - Moloney
2 - Dunn
1 - Pickett
1 - Bate
1 - Jones

Next week: Sydney at the SCG. Surely you jest?

Next season: Bollocks to Chris Judd is there some way we can prise Pav away from Perth? Never say no to the best player in the competition but has the last two weeks not proved that we are going to need somebody to kick goals once Neitz is gone? He's a freak.

P.S - Know what's sad? I've just written 1500 words on this game and I'll wake up tomorrow and remember a whole bunch of shit that I didn't put in. Expect updates.

Le Ballot Un Slops

(From TSP’s major sponsor Wikipedia)

Dare I say the French have gotten it right when it comes to injecting much needed interest into their elections. Instead of persisting with the facade that anyone cares about who’s in parliament they just cut out the middle man and let you vote straight for who you want as President and damn the consequences AND once it’s been done once you get to go back and vote a second time to split the top two candidates.

Can you imagine the uproar if people had to do that here? It’s bad enough trying to get crunts to a polling booth in the first place without making them do it twice. Might help if we had a wild range of parties to vote for like they do. Click on the picture above and you’ll see a range of candidates right across the board from the far-left to the ultra-right with pretty much everything in between. God help us all they even have a legitimate centrist party.

Also, as you’ll see if you click on the top picture, they don’t stand for the grim spectacle of violently forcing how-to-vote cards at grandmothers on polling booths. Granted you hardly need to be told how to vote when you’re only selecting one candidate but wouldn’t it make it easier for everyone if they just showed the campaign posters at each polling booth and banned people from handing material out? I’m sure there hasn’t been more than a handful of people in the last 106 years of Australian electoral history who have shown up intending to vote for one person and then changed their mind based on having a piece of paper shoved down their throat by some party stooge. Waste of time, waste of paper. Simple solution - display a board like this outside each polling booth and then stick 1 copy of each how-to-vote in each polling booth so people can make their own decision there.

In the list of posters you’ll also see that somebody has started at #7 and gone on a path of destruction down the rest of the line. In a diplomatic move they’ve trashed both Le Pen (hard right) and Arlette (hard-left) posters. And who told #0 that it would be a good idea to have so much text on his/her poster?

I’m such a freak for elections. It’s very shameful. Who will win? Fucked if I know - I’m just in it for the posters and stats. In my eyes there’s only one Frenchman worth voting for...

and here he is...

Worse Than Heroin

Those Collingwood bastards did us by a point
The day mother died.
When they told dad he shook his head and said,
"Makes you wanna cry."
Winmar, you're a football genius, and, oh,
Let me tell you son,
Remember my old man 'cos he wasn't
Referring to mum." - Father and Son by TISM

According to the fucked in the head ever helpful AFL website it's just 37.5 hours until Melbourne plays Fremantle. And I've officially never been less enthused by a game in my life. So why will I be there anyway? Because I'm ill - so seriously ill.

Let's get into classical theatre instead. Then we can write abusive things about the Bell Shakespeare Company on the internet and sit in the audience of amateur theatre and heckle poor casting choices. "YOU'RE NOT A JET'S ARSEHOLE YOU CRUNT - GET OFF" @ the Ringwood SC Year 8 production of West Side Story etc..

Actually I think, shamefully (), that I secretly love it. When you can rationalise your whole week being ruined by a directionless forward line and talentless backline just days after god knows how many people were either shot or blown up all around the world then you're probably onto something.

God forbid Melbourne ever win a flag I'd like to request that the elusive extinction level event comet give me a few days of glory and then blow us all to buggery. This turn of events may not sit well with the rest of you but at this point I'd like to remind you that I'm an only child and care not for others.

Until then raise a glass to slops and ask yourself just why so many allegedly normal people lose it at the sight of 44 idiots chasing a red ball around in front of 30,000 morons.

Shame #1 - Sylvester - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)

Originally posted at Shame FM

There are two things that an allegedly heterosexual mid 20's male should not do.

a) Dance under any circumstances
b) Rock out to any song widely considered to be a crucial gay anthem

Point a) I concur with in the strongest possible manner. Unless I'm drunk off my ass and trying to score you will never me anywhere near a dancefloor. Point b) on the other hand is somewhat more troublesome. What exactly defines a "gay anthem", and just because it somehow falls into this

The only particuarly troublesome aspect of this song for me is how Sylvester himself looks like Joan Armatrading but has a voice like he's inhaled several hundred quarts of helium. Watch on and see - and if it'll really get to you to click play there are women in short shorts humping each other too!



Helium Armatrading and the fact that it was used in an advertisement for Fox8 aside there's no doubting the dancefloor shaking quality of this track. Even the fact that he actually appears in drag at 1.37 shouldn't put any other than the most knuckle dragging of homophobe off from at least tapping a foot to the thumping disco beat that is backing up Sylvester's chipmunk-esque vocals. Besides his hat is quite nice and his technique with the hand fan is more than admirable.

If you start to wane in enthusiasm as the video goes on don't worry because they replay the female ass thrusting at 2.20 - hang in for a second serving of that. Suffice to say you probably wouldn't storm down the main street of Frankston (if it has one) with this playing at eleven on your car stereo but unless somebody actually told you it was a 'gay anthem' would you even know? Seems to me that tag is only applied due to the fact that the man responsible for it was out and proud. To me it represents the acceptable face of disco (and Shame FM is all about showing you the acceptable side of things you thought wrong) and you'll be hearing a lot more from this genre as the Shame experience rolls on. We say fire up your Sylvester albums and dust off the Divine 12" (!?) and be out and proud about your love for dodgy disco.

Shame Rating: - somewhat shameful.

Religion Retro

Tonight on Foxtel’s ACC religious channel,

.wavFile
.wavFile is a fresh, fast-paced entertainment show highlighting the “new sound” coming from Canada.

Was .mp3file too contentious/hard to understand? When has the ‘new sound’ ever been represented by technology ten years past it’s use-by-date. And who’s listening to their music in .wav files these days anyway? You’d have half of one song and it would take up your entire hard-drive. Maybe I should be on the nerd channel?

Incidentally is there any reason the Foxtel online TV guide doesn’t admit the Christian channel exists? As you might have guessed I’m not exactly down with the wide world of religion but even I think that’s a bit extreme. If the channel is there and can be watched by any subscriber why would you refuse to admit it’s existence online? Bizarre people.

Delusional Thinking?

Now I don’t want to get into a whole religion thing here because I know it’s a touchy subject but the ideas expressed in this article interest me,

By all accounts, the prayers started even before the gunshots stopped at Virginia Tech university and the pleas to God from grief-stricken survivors of the massacre have continued since.

“God cares about Virginia Tech,” said Megan Martin, 24, joining about a dozen fellow students in a travelling prayer vigil that rambled across the sprawling campus a day after the worst US shooting spree in modern history.

Carrying placards reading: “Jesus loves you,” “God knows and He cares,” and “Can we pray with you?” the small knot of students worked their way through the university grounds in Blacksburg, a Bible Belt town in the mountains of southwest Virginia.

Clearly god cares a great deal about Virginia Tech - that’s why some nutbag rocked up and shot 30 odd people. He must have been busy raining tsunami death down on some poor bastards in South-East Asia at the time and not have noticed a guy wandering around with “Ismail Ax” plastered down his arm and murdering innocent people with a pair of handguns. Could have at least written TSP and given us the free publicity.

What about the “pleas to god” from the people who were hiding under desks waiting to be massacred? Nobody was listening to them, so what makes you think anyone’s taking notice after the fact? If the religion angle works for you then you have my best wishes and I hope for your sake that it all turns out to be true, but don’t sell me horseshit like this and try and spin a tragedy into some sort of sick and twisted positive.

Update - I’d probably be angry if I’d written complete bollox like this as well.

My Brain Hurts

Today Gumby Theatre came live to you from the MCG.



This is actually a clever satire on our gameplan. If the Gumby is Daniher, the flowers are the players and the vase is the field that's pretty much what they tried on against Geelong. Take 22 players and just stuff them awkwardly on and hope for the best. And given that I fully expected us to lose by triple figures for the first time in a decade we probably did get 'the best'. Having said that I think it should be blatantly obvious to anyone that the Cats pulled the pin fifteen minutes in the third quarter and cruised home on the lead that they'd already built up - despite showing 25% interest and rarely slipping out of first gear they still had about five set shots in the last quarter that they should have kicked and buried us by even more. We thank them for their charitable donations.

Now like I said I knew we were going to lose. There didn't seem to be any doubt about it. Even when Nathan Ablett necked himself in the warmup it only offered us the highlight of having one less tall forward to torment our rank backline. At one point it appeared that the only person in our defensive 50 with a functioning brain was Matthew Whelan. The first two goals we conceded were Ben Holland specials that had to be seen to be believed, Ferguson offered nothing but service as a witches hat and Nathan Carroll spent the first half being bent over and spanked by a 12-year-old playing his second game. Imagine if they still had Kent "I only play against Melbourne" Kingsley? He would have kicked ten. In fact at one point I thought Hawkins was going to bag double figures. The fact that he didn't owed more to the Cats not actually trying for most of the second half rather than any great tactical genius on our behalf.

Surely you can see that something is wrong with the state of our club when the forward line suddenly features a piece of play where S. Godfrey hoofs the ball over to B. Holland. What are these two doing anywhere near the forward 50 and/or an AFL field? It can be said that they never stop trying but picking people on effort alone is like lining up with the Chippendales on Brendan Fevola just because they look good - it's not going to get you anywhere.

I'm aware that losing the two best goalkickers you've had for five years is going to stick the knife in a bit but surely we have to have somebody else in reserve to go down there when the unthinkable happens. Miller has shown more in the past two weeks than he has in the past two seasons but he has neither the skills nor the smarts to deliver us any meaningful success. Brad Green did well to fill in up front but where was the support? Davey never stopped harassing and chasing but on a possession basis he can't get near the thing. We used to be able to rely on our midfield, and even the defence, to chip in with goals as well but it just doesn't happen anymore. Remember Bruce kicking 7 against Carlton and 6 against North a few years back? What chance is there of seeing that now even if he is consistently our best player (albeit by default in an awful side).

Where to from here? Certainly not a recovery job like we saw last year. Put the white screen up on this year kids, we'll be lucky to win five games at this rate. As much as I like Daniher he may as well start scouring the job pages now because short of plunging off Niagra Falls in a barrel there is no way he could ever pull off a greater magical feat than conjuring up any sort of performance that could save his job. Regardless of injuries or suspensions (which surely must be on the way) his time is up. I don't think anyone wishes him badly, and there's hardly likely to be wild Danny Frawley-esque scenes anytime soon, but it's time to admit that we need a fresh approach. Personally, as I've always said, I'd like to see somebody who is a complete Malthouse-esque psychopath in charge - somebody who is not afraid to bollock the players or the league and has the testicles to debut three rookies in one freaking game.

Crowd watch
What crowd? If there were more than 10k of our fans in the alleged 35,000 I'll be shocked and appalled. The only highlight came from the feral woman sitting at the other end of the same row as me who spent four quarters ripping out high pitched wails and abuse at the umpires. Granted that as we did get three of the worst freekicks in VFL/AFL history she had a point but her delivery represented unbridled passion at it's finest. Stupid old tart.

Votes

You are hereby bound by reading these votes not to abuse me for anything below 4 because somebody has to fill them. As you would be aware being the 4th best of 22 in a performance like that doesn't count for much but somebody's got to be it.

5 - Bruce
4 - Green
3 - McDonald
2 - Moloney (Still prone to cockups)
1 - Yze (Split this one between any of the rest really - at least he showed more concern for the game than he has any other time recently)

I suppose if you're going to be charitable you could have fitted in any of Ward, Davey (at least he chased), Johnstone, Miller or Whelan in for the last spot. Though I'm not quite sure how the 'official' match report has Carroll listed amongst the the best when he spent the entire first half being towelled up by a 12-year-old.

2007 Allen Jakovich Medal Leaderboard

11 - McDonald
11 - Bruce
5 - Neitz
4 - Jones
4 - Green
3 - Miller
2 - Moloney
1 - Bate
1 - Jones

Next week: It's a bottom of the table/harbour clash with the Dockers at the MCG. While playing a winless Freo is nothing new they are clearly a better side than they have shown so far this year and should be expected to pulverise us in a fashion not seen since the infamous Tony "Hey Tone, don't kick ten tonight" Modra rampage of 1999. There is every possible chance of a crowd under 20,000 once Freo bring their 17 fans and 15,000 of ours jump off.

I fking hate sports. Yet I'll still be there next week - what does that say? It's as good enough reason as any not to have kids, you might actually be tempted to expose them to this sort of slop and wreck them for life. Every time I see some kid wearing a Melbourne jumper I'm tempted to give them a big lecture about not gettting too involved because it'll only break their heart like it's been doing to the rest of us all these years. Maybe we should have merged with Hawthorn? Then I would have gladly walked away from the game and found something more productive to do with my weekends.

If I were some dinky singer/songwriter type I'd write an entire concept album about the Melbourne experience with song titles like "Jeff Hilton Hair", "When Nicho kicked 2 against the Cats" and "Round 17, 2000 (The Night I Almost Broke My Hand)". But I'm not, so all the colossal whinging will have to be confined to this page alone. Time to go and drop a toaster in the bathtub I believe.

Shame FM

It’s the death of popular music as we knew it. What Pac Man Fever, Disco Duck and a thousand Idol’s couldn’t do two miners have.

Beaconsfield mine survivors Todd Russell and Brant Webb feature on a single with their wives to commemorate their world famous rescue.

The song called 321 Hours was recorded with Adelaide band Unitopia and signifies the amount of time the men were trapped 925 metres underground.

Mr Webb said it will be released on May 9 - the date they surfaced after 14 nights and the time their colleague Larry Knight, who did not survive the Tasmanian gold mine accident, was laid to rest.

Sure the money is going to charity but couldn’t you just give them the money directly instead of participating in the CD related charade. Did nobody learn their lesson from the Elton John Candle In The Wind ‘97 fiasco? Who, other than the 1085 sick freaks on last.fm who probably downloaded it for free anyway actually ever listened to the copy they bought? Certainly not more than once.

The least they could have done was a cover of We’re Sending Our Love Down The Well from the Simpsons.

Coming soon: Schapelle Corby Sings Slipknot?

Press 1 For Chaos

Would you vote for a man just because he was self-confessed as “fair dinkum”?



Apparently not

Berhan Jaber 216
Frank Dinoto 521
Rick Dugina 146
Alan Brygel 215
Rose Iser 1307
Nicole Kepert 1730
Hamish Jones 265
Frank Kinnersley 822
Shirley Cornish 475
Alana Pekar 292
Cam Nation 602
David Baldwin 324

Apparently he’s also the King of Wild Scenes.

Only in Melbourne, or possibly Tehran, would you see action like this.

UPDATE - Just to the right of where the shot ends on the wall there is grafitti threatening that “toy” is dead. If anyone knows who “Toy” is please feel free to enlighten me because nearly ten years ago on a shelter near my high school the greatest piece of graffiti ever “TOY YOUR MUM IS WAK SHIT FAT BITCH” appeared, and I want to know if it’s the same person.

We decide who comes into this country

Fox Sports have been showing “World Series Cricket Classics” in the lunch breaks of their other cricket coverage for the past few weeks. It’s quality viewing - where else could you see my second favourite player of all time Tim Zoehrer (come on, he was a wicketkeeper that bowled) lining up against India at the MCG in 1987? No fecking where.

But there was an interesting set of banners in the crowd for the India game. The ninth wicket went down and somebody in the crowd unfurls a huge sign saying “STICK THAT UP YOUR TURBAN”. Somewhat offensive in a modern context but you can see how people would have gotten away with it in the less tolerant 80’s. Then the last batsman goes, the crowd goes wild and it gets turned around to reveal the frankly offensive slogan “GO HOME YOU CURRY MUNCHERS”

At what point did that become offensive? 1989? 1992? 8.05pm on September 7th, 1995? And what tipped it over the edge?

MS-Slops

What do you suppose the people who rush out to by Windows Vista 30 seconds after it’s released do with the rest of their time? What are the percentage chances of an operating system drastically enhancing your lifestyle? I’d say under 5%. Sure Windows 95 was a big leap ahead from Windows 3.1, and that was supposedly better than DOS (though I’ll never believe it. Give me a dir/s/w/p/o:s any day of the week) which was infinately better than the turtle that wandered around doing fuck all on an Apple IIE but look at how these things moved from 1990-1995 then look at 2001-2006. A golden era for MP3 players but give XP and Vista to somebody living on a Bolivian mountain and they probably couldn’t tell the difference.

How is Vista going to solve world hunger and/or make Melbourne win a premiership? Answer - it’s not. So bollocks to it. Now, I’m sure it does things that make computer afficionados blow their strides clear across the Pacific Ocean but show me how it affects me and we’ll start talking.

Do you know what’s really sad. I still don’t know how to change the extension of a file in Windows. After all these years I still go back to the DOS window and do a ren *.tmp *.wmv when I’m unhiding my European arthouse movies.

(P.S - Feel free to talk about Linux and/or Macs in the comments. I won’t have any interest in what you say but go ahead and play anyway)

Train In Vain

Everyone’s whinging about the trains. Fair point too I suppose, when I used to try and go from Balaclava to the city you’d be lucky if only one train got cancelled. So when I walked into Spencer Street/Southern Cross station today trying to get to Camberwell I expected the worst. Then five minutes later a half empty train showed up, went round the loop and then express directly to Camberwell. Lovely stuff. If I worked for Newspoll I’d declare that meant the trains were actually quite good.

The people I really feel sorry for are the ones who work in the Connex call-centre. Ringing up and spazzing out at somebody who has absolutely nothing to do with the problem is a national sport in this country and I can imagine that there’s hundreds of idiots doing it. The problem is that as with everything else (Schapelle Corby, Van Nguyen, *insert cause of the week*) people read it in the paper, decide they “have to make a difference” despite being as powerless as anyone else and direct random abuse to try and make themselves feel better about being nothing more than a cog. Imagine the poor crunts who are standing on the barriers at stations? They’re akin to greeters at a casino but they’ve probably got every man and their dog hanging shit on them because the train doesn’t work properly. What does it achieve? Absolutely fuck all.

I don’t know. Buy a bike or something. Even better give up your job and live on a remote island where you can be at one with nature and talk to a volleyball all day.

Friday Video Classix (ULTIMATE EDITION)

Now I’ve claimed “best video ever” status for about thirteen different things over the years but there is only one clip that ever reduced me to a gibbering wreck on the floor after seeing it for the first time. This randomly appeared on Channel V once about five years ago and I legitimately spent twenty minutes on the floor dying in the arse. Now the moment I’ve been waiting for since the day YouTube opened has arrived. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present you the EPIC clip that is The Skatt Brothers - Life At The Outpost.



Suffice to say that any song who’s video features leathered up cowboys with patently false looking moustaches doing choreographed routines in something resembling a fetish club whilst singing a chorus of “give your love to a cowboy may, he’s gonna love you hard as he can” does not invite in-depth analysis. We advise you to watch it in full for the true earth shattering glory and “oh my god how did they keep a straight face” moments but below are a few frames selected to highlight the unintentional hillarity within,


First things first anything that opens with a room full of cowboys thrusting their pelvises at the screen is either going to be extremely disturbing/arousing or greatly amusing. The fact that they were clearly meant to some sort of Chippendale figures who would make the ladies of the world tear their pants off simultaneously but actually come across as the rejected opening act at the Blue Oyster Bar is what makes it.

You know what they really need to get them over with the ladies? A middle aged guy with an unconvincing mo and a wifebeater shirt who looks like a perverted PE teacher.


And here he is. Ladies, calm thyselves.


Not only do you get Mr. Johnson the massive primary school deve but you also get this slightly looking terrified guy wearing the worst fake facial hair since Governor Muttonchops in The Olden Days.


And as an added bonus this terrifying fellow who is either doing the Haka or simulating man’s first contact with a woman after 20 years in prison.


If that lineup of hot man meat isn’t enough for you there’s a whole line of them. The good news is that despite there apparently being 72 people in the band this song went gold in Australia and kept them all in leathers and amyl for weeks afterwards.


If you can explain what’s going on in this sequence please write in a postcard to the usual address. My money’s that they shit the producer of the video up the wall somehow and he decided to tell them it was some sort of high-concept art piece when he was really just trying to make them look like clowns.


This was the exact bit in my first viewing of this clip that I switched from shocked amazement to actual falling over and struggling to breathe because I was laughing so hard. You may not have the same reaction but you’re all broadbanded up internet freaks with access to disgraceful material 24/7 where at the time I was an innocent child who had nary but a 56k modem and a 200mb a month limit to be corrupted with.


Then in an attempt to lower the camp level of the clip to somewhere between Julian Clary and the Thorpedo they introduce a tarty young lass riding on the back of an eager male in a suggestive manner. Absolutely nobody anywhere in the world is fooled.


Even when she whips the baps out for an airing nobody seems too keen.


Mainly because they’re pulling off (so to speak) more expertly choreographed manoeuvres at the bar. Note the always appealing shirtless, jeans with 80’s trainers look.


Shirtless pool. Look at their big rods etc…


And feel the baritone stylings of the guy who looks like a topless army drill sergeant. Incidentally any gags surrounding the fact that the band are the “Skat” brothers will not be entered into - contrary to popular belief this is a family site and you can look it up yourself.


Finally we’re drawn to a close with the lead singer - clearly the only person to come out of the clip with his dignity even nearly intact - humping the bar from behind while the boys continue their line dancing routines in the background. And that, sadly, is all she wrote.


Except for this guy. Surely just some teenage runaway that they drugged up on Sunset Strip and forced into joining the band at gunpoint.

Your theories on what in god’s name was happening in this video in the comments please. I’m going for the horrifically misjudged pitch to middle aged women angle.

Holy Christ

They never advertised these jobs on Seek….

MELBOURNE councils are paying private investigators to receive “sexual services” from prostitutes in the push to shut down illegal brothels.
At least six councils across Melbourne have hired private detectives to prove and help prosecute illegal operations, with long investigations costing thousands of dollars.

Council lawyers and private investigators say that sexual acts, sometimes even intercourse, are extreme but necessary evidence to bring down the illicit brothels.

Councils including Melbourne, Port Phillip, Knox, Maroondah, Stonnington, and Yarra have all used the private investigators in the past two years, with investigators providing affidavits to court

And my money’s on those being the first affadavits ever presented to court which feature the words “then I rooted her” and end with “and after I paid her I went back to my normal duties”.

Meanwhile why even go to the trouble of hiring investigators? Just line up a few hornbags, give them a gift voucher, get them to sign a statement on the way out and watch the fireworks take place. I’ll even do it - for purely scientific reasons only of course. Surely you’d catch something but what a way to go.

The Football Monologues (Pt. 2)

I was forced to try my hand at indoor soccer keeping due to the lack of suitable alternatives at Chickempron Submarine (1999-still going) Pulled off a couple of regulation saves in the first two minutes and started daydreaming about a heroic and unexpected shutout. Cue the defence opening in front of me and the ball flying to my left as I dived to the right for 0-1.

I could have been a keeper. No really. I'm fat, slow, like yelling orders at people, have decent reflexes, and the required eccentric qualities. A childhood in glasses handicapped any chance I had of taking up the noble art. Not surprisingly the few times tried it - usually at kickaround games at lunchtime - my enthusiastic performances were tempered with a mortal fear of having them splayed across my face Bob Hawke style.

There can't be many sporting positions where the responsibility for avoiding defeat rests so heavily on one person. A baseball pitcher can throw junk into Row Z but can be replaced at any time, and if his replacement is equally as bad they can continue the process ad nauseum until nobody's left. A goalkeeper - whether in football, hockey (ice or field), lacrosse or handball - will be judged on how many times the ball ends up in the net. 

Unless it's so blatantly the fault of the defence that even people who don't understand the sport can see it, the keeper will be judged at fault. Even if the forwards had botched the ball at their end and the midfielders did nothing to stop the ball getting to them, the keeper will still go down as responsible for conceding. Statistically there's no difference between being beaten by a 30 yard screamer and a simple tap in from a foot out, and even the greatest keeper in the world will concede some goals that you’d expect a Provisional League club player to save - it’s that sort of job. 

Sadly in the era of reserve goalkeepers we are now almost always denied the spectacle of outfield players in goal as the result of an injury or sending off. Vinnie Jones once had a go for Wimbledon, putting in a performance described by one magazine as 'surprisingly limp wristed' in a 6-0 loss to Newcastle. Though the loss of a keeper doesn’t always mean collapse - witness Italy vs Norway in the 1994 World Cup when the Norweigans dominated the first twenty minutes before Italy's Pagliuca was sent off. An astonished Roberto Baggio was dragged to make way for the backup keeper to take the field and despite the numerical disadvantage the Azzurri played infinitely better than they had with 11 men and won thanks to a goal by the younger Baggio, Dino, in the 69th minute.

With keepers, more so than any other player, first impressions count. God knows how many great players have been lost to the professional game after a disasterous debut. Take Richard Wright for example - feted for years as the England goalkeeper of the future he was called up for a seemingly innocuous friendly against Malta where he proceeded to concede two penalties and put the ball into his own net. Overnight his reputation as a potential international was ruined and since 2001 he has only made 72 starts in the Premier League. Or Australian Andy Petterson who copped 6 on debut for Walsall and was sacked after three games. 

Mike Salmon was voted as Oxford United’s worst ever goalkeeper on the strength of his solitary appearance for the U’s when he let in 7 against Birmingham City in 1998. History records his demise but there’s no mention of the fate of the defenders who were in front of him and may have contributed wholly to the disasterous result. And finally who will ever forget Aston Villa’s Peter Enckleman. In the first league clash against deadly inter-city rivals Birmingham for almost two decades he attempted he - well let the video tell the story.

We rarely talk about great misses or defensive blunders but this will be seen a billion times across the globe before anyone gets sick of it. Who'd be a keeper? I still would.