CSI: Richmond

Only the other night I claimed that Richmond was overrated as a crime destination. Sure some guy offered me quality gear as I walked through the housing commission estate one day, sure I heard somebody on Victoria Street say "yeah I score in the morning before work" and yes, there were junkies who used to shoot up next to my car but in the end I met them and they were lovely. Other than that? Nothing. 

I even considered not renewing my contents insurance and saving myself a much needed $350 (what credit crunch? I've been wasting my money for years) before chickening out. So, this morning I wake up and open my door to find a mobile phone on my doorstep, the security screen wedged open with a pair of women's shoes and blood all over the front door. Now, I know I had an operation to make me sleep better but I'm not sure I would have managed to sleep through somebody making a serious attempt at getting my attention if they were being beaten up or variously molested so I was deeply suspicious right from the start. 

The police tell them they're sending somebody over, and as I'm waiting for them the mobile rings and Ms. X (names deleted to protect the dubious) tells me that she's lost her phone. I explain that I've got it and she's all "how did it get there!" when I tell her it's in Richmond. Then I explain that I'd called the cops and she goes a bit coco bananas telling me not to give them any of her stuff. Err, bad luck - given that they were clearly going to seize it all anyway. 

In the worst explanation ever Ms. X claims that her alleged brother is an alleged Hawthorn player and always does this sort of stuff. I suggested she might want to give him a call and make sure that he's alright given that it looks as if he wasn't having the best of nights if he was wandering the streets of the inner east bleeding on things with women's shoes in hand. 

Eventually I gracelessly exited the conversation after being offered a "Christmas present" if I returned her stuff (and that's when the dubiousness meter went straight to 11). The cops did their forensic work and predictably confiscated the phone and shoes as evidence in an attempted burglary. 

Farcical scenes. However, if I may make a recommendation - Spray and Wipe is wicked for taking blood off a wooden door. Looks almost new!