Monday, 15 December 2008

CSI: Richmond

Only the other night I was claiming that Richmond was overrated as a crime destination. Sure some guy offered to see me some quality gear as I walked through the housing commission estate one day, sure I heard a guy on Victoria Street openly stating "yeah I score in the morning before work" and yes, there were junkies who used to shoot up next to my car but in the end I met them and they were lovely. Other than that? Nothing. I even considered not renewing my contents insurance and saving myself a much needed $350 (what credit crunch? I've been wasting my money for years) before chickening out.

So, this morning I wake up and open my door to find a mobile phone on my doorstep, the security door wedged open with a pair of women's shoes and blood all over the front door. Now, I know I had an operation to make me sleep better but I'm not sure I would have managed to sleep through somebody making a serious attempt at getting my attention if they were being beaten up or variously molested so I was deeply suspicious right from the start. I call the police and tell them what's going on and they tell me they're going to send somebody over.

About twenty minutes later the mobile rings and Ms. X (names deleted to protect the dubious) tells me that she's lost her phone. I explain that I've got it and she's all "how did it get there!" when I tell her it's in Richmond. Then I explain that I'd called the cops and she goes a bit coco bananas telling me not to give them any of her stuff. Err, bad luck - given that they were clearly going to seize it all anyway. In the worst explanation ever Ms. X claims that her alleged brother is an alleged Hawthorn player and always does this sort of stuff. I suggested she might want to give him a call and make sure that he's alright given that it looks as if he wasn't having the best of nights if he was wandering the streets of the inner east bleeding on things.

Eventually I got off the phone - but not before being offered a "Christmas present" if I delivered the stuff back (and that's when the dubiousness meter went straight to 11). The cops eventually arrived, did their forensic work and predictably confiscated the phone and shoes as evidence in an attempted burglary.

Farcical scenes. However, if I may make a recommendation - Spray and Wipe is wicked for taking blood off a wooden door. Looks almost new!

The whole thing made me feel like I was getting into a bit of this action;



El said...

We should have done a cotton swab test for mitochondrial DNA. When you add some liquid to the swab, it goes magenta, did you know that??

Do you have any idea what really happened? I love the repeated treatment of the words "dubious" and "alleged" in this post. Just marvellous.

Adam 1.0 said...

Never heard from the cops, or Nutty McNutterton ever again. I can't believe I missed the whole thing. Who said my operation did nothing?