TSP's Office Xmas Party Bingo checklist

If you're playing my new game this year then you might find any of the following on your game card.

* Inappropriate displays of affection
* A public pash
* A private pash that gets busted
* A private shag
* A public shag (please note - if this happens stop playing bingo and start taking pictures)
* Shouting for no apparent reason
* Singing
* Soft drug consumption
* Hard drug consumption
* Workmate vs workmate violence
* Public hurling/urination/worse
* Excess removal of clothing
* General bad behaviour (WILDCARD SPOT)
* Flirting by the married
* Knocking a drink over
* Breaking a glass
* Somebody paying to do shots when regular drinks are free
* Inappropriate anecdotes or jokes
* Strangers cracking onto strangers
* Passing out in a public place
* Passing out in a toilet/cupboard/carpark and being found
* Being escorted out by your workmates
* Being escorted out by security and going quietly
* Being escorted out by security and making noise about it
* Punching on with security
* Police attendance for any reason
* Lifetime bans from the venue for person or company

TSP's Top 50 of 2008

The rules - as always. Two tracks per artist maximum, no covers, re-releases only if 2008 was the first time I'd heard it. The final rule is crucial because if it weren't in effect Champion by Kanye West would have been in the top 5 due to having been released as a single/video this year, but is DQ'ed because I heard it right at the end of last year and whacked it in at #27 before realising how much I liked it. So it goes... Before we begin this year - trimmed to 50 to avoid the sort of half-interesting slops that filled 51-100 in the countdown last time around - a quick look at the previous top 5's. 2005 1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot 2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure 3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La 4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me 5. Bloc Party - Helicopter 2006 1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill 2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It 3. Silvia Night - Congratulations 4. Lily Allen - LDN 5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me 2007 1. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! 2. New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream 3. The Teenagers - Homecoming 4. Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent 5. Jack Penate - Spit At Stars And now, the most prestigious prize in all of music. 50. Kanye West - Paranoid He got divorced, discovered weird vocal effects and lost his mind. 49. Hercules in NY - Nightlight No video, so just make up a song in your head along the same theme. Or sing Flashlight by Parliament and change the words. 48. The Galvatrons - When We Were Kids 47. Glasvegas - Go Square Go Continually feted as the "next big thing" though I'm not entirely sure why. They've got a few good tunes, but singing depressing lyrics in an accent once removed from the Proclaimers doth not a U2 make. Move to Vegas, become Mormons, grow ludicrous facial hair (yes, even the girl) and then come and talk to me. 46. Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody 45. Goldfrapp - Cologne Cerrone Houdini Non-disco Goldfrapp = James Bond theme orchestra action and slink but alas far less excitement than the Frapp we know. 44. The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name Best listened to when off chops. I swear I heard this last year, but it's not in that countdown so here it is in this one. 43. Black Francis - Seven Fingers No matter what he does we're all still waiting for something approaching the best of the Pixies. Don't hold your breath fans. 42. Florence And The Machine - Girl With One Eye Senseless brutality from the knife crime capital of the western world. 41. Elbow - One Day Like This Like a power ballad without power 40. REM - Accelerate REM in "album not so bad, but still not as good as they used to be" shocker. 39. Goldfrapp - Happiness 38. Jaguar Love - The Man With The Plastic Suns Shouty and lacking a real video. 37. The Killers - Human The chorus is a bit bleh, but otherwise not so bad. Certainly better than that soul/soldier fiasco from a few years back. 36. Foxboro Hot Tubs - Mother Mary Shhh, it's really Green Day in disguise. Oh, what do you mean everyone already knew? Fuck the internet. Sadly for them it's better than anything they've released under their real name for years. 35. The Gaslight Anthem - Old White Lincoln The "even more convincing than The Killers" heirs to Springsteen's legacy 34. Little Jackie - 28 Butts Album tracks = shaky mobile phone footage on Youtube. 33. The Anomalies - Bamboo Beats 32. British Sea Power - Canvey Island 31. Ida Maria - Stella Prostitute spends a night with God. It doesn't end how you think. 30. Sportsday Megaphone - I Think It's Love 29. TV On The Radio - Halfway Home Briefly thinks it's the Ramones. Could be a bad thing, especially when sung by a black man with the most impressive facial hair since Peter Russell Clarke, but they pull it off. Anecdote corner - I used to get the radio on my TV when I was a kid and it freaked me the fuck out. So did Peter Russell Clarke. Spooky! 28. Heloise and the Savoire Faire - Downtown She used to be Peaches bodyguard you know. I wouldn't fuck with her if this picture is anything to go by. 27. Duran Duran - Zoom In Yes, they're still around and not as bad as you remembered. Frighteningly enough an ABC track almost nudged into the 50 as well. Welcome back gents, but really why bother making a video when you're Duran Duran - who's playing it? 26. Kaiser Chiefs - Never Miss A Beat If they ever do anything remotely approaching I Predict A Riot again I'll eat somebody else's hat, but this is at least better than everything on the second album. Catchy, stupid and somehow managing to get itself played on Triple M. Pity nobody's listening. 25. Eli 'Paperboy' Reed and the True Loves - Stake Your Claim In a fair world would be making Buble style money. In the real world doesn't even have his own video. 24. Supergrass - Diamond Hoo Ha Man 23. The Hold Steady - Sequestered In Memphis Last year's winners come in again with their first of two entries from an album referred to as "not bad, but not quite as good as the last one" by noted musical reviewer.. me. P.S - The essential tracks begin here. 22. The Shortwave Set - No Social The song which gives us the helpful but mystifying advice that "a dog dressed in clothes is still a dog". Remember that. 21. Flight Of The Conchords - Ladies Of The World Novelty tracks that are like real songs are a good thing. 20. Ian Carey Project - Get Shaky This year's token "heard whilst smashed and loved" club track. 19. Neon Neon - Michael Douglas Surprisingly little to do with the man himself. More interested in his eyewear. 18. Little Jackie - The World Should Revolve Around Me The former Imani Coppola (remember "Legend of a Cowgirl"? No, me neither) returns with two entries in her new persona as a female rap type female. 17. Ben Folds - The Bitch Went Nuts Perfect timing for Christmas season. Always bring a date who does a truckload of coke and yells "fuck Dick Cheney". Another reason why you shouldn't bring Germaine Greer as your date this year. Other than the fact that she looks like a hrose. 16. LMFAO - Yes Has homemade written all over it. 15. Esser - Headlock Proof that domestic violence is ok as long as it's happening to a man. 14. The Hold Steady - Constructive Summer This year's album lacked anything killer on a par with the best tracks off their last one, but there was still worthy contenders dotted throughout. 13. British Sea Power - No Lucifer The song that should have had people chanting "Easy! Easy!" across the world. Don't bother reading the lyrics in the clip, it'll just make you think less of the track. 12. Black Kids - Look At Me (When I Rock Witchoo) In a word.. stomping 11. Elbow - The Fix The best horse racing scandal related moment since the Fine Cotton affair. No painted horses and dodgy New Zealand trainers here - it's all silky smooth and classy like a movie from the 1950's. 10. REM - Supernatural Superserious Yeah, they're still around. I'm as suprised as you. And with this track they dominated - even more shocking. 9. Flight Of The Conchords - Inner City Pressure Best novelty song since Silvia Night's "Congratulations" from the 2006 Eurovision Song Contest. Eschews novelty song stupidity for cleverness and - brace yourself - comedy. 8. Kings Of Leon - Sex On Fire I still maintain that their first album was their best, but the days of Red Morning Light seem a million years away. Potentially the first time that a number 1 chart song has ever made my top 10. 7. The Hollows - Why Frankly depressed singer in rap-esque whinge mode. Score. 6. Heloise and the Savoir Faire - Canadian Changs Lost one place for rhyming gorilla and chinchilla. No real video, so enjoy gawking at some random French women dancing in their apartment instead. 5. Fryars - Olive Eyes The most sinister thing EVER RELEASED. I feel like it should be sung by that perve who locked his family in the basement. 4. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream Fittingly, in a year where a Duran Duran song can crack the top 50 comes the greatest song they never wrote. Warning! Video clip contains two people pissfarting around! 3. MGMT - Electric Feel (Embedding disabled by request of tightarsed record company - click for video) I'm sure I heard this last year, and even had it in the countdown but the records say no so here it is again. Cue buzz band of the year hijinks and me actually stopping dead in the middle of a game of indoor soccer when I heard it on the radio for the first time. 2. Neon Neon - Luxury Pool Unbelievably there is no clip of this song on YouTube. No video (it's an album track), no live performances. Nothing. Deserves more on the standout track of the album of the year, Stainless Style. The concept? Strap yourself in - it's about the life of John DeLorean, the creator of the DMC-12 motorcar (the one from Back To The Future) and his shambolic life up to and including trying to sell a truckload of coke to keep his company afloat. Quality. 1. Lethal Bizzle - The Come Up I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. The first time that twee indie pop has been dislodged from the top of the chart, and it's by a stomping East London grime track. Shits all over anything that Kanye West or any of the popular 'urban' artists are delivering. Unlikely to ever be heard on the radio here - unless somebody gives me the keys to their station and a free reign to cause chaos. Anything I missed? Bad luck I'm not adding it, but I'd be happy to hear about it.

Reasons why I’m bitter and twisted #432

There are three companies I've vowed never to have anything to do with ever again. Even the mere mention of their name makes my blood pressure go through the roof, which is a bit of a shame given that they’re all fairly massive and hard to avoid. From the bottom of the grief register up.. 

3) TRU Energy 

We'd receive normal sized bills every few months, pay them and never think about it again. Then one month TRU decided that we owed them $1200. Rarely has the opening of a seemingly normal envelope ever led to so many expletives being delivered in such a short stretch of time. I read further and it was revealed that they'd 'estimated’ our power usage because it was impossible to get to the meter box. 

The first question was whether they’d estimated it by comparing Toorak Road to Mexico City. Secondly, how come they had no trouble finding the meter box for so long before suddenly going completely blind and stupid and not being able to see where it was. Especially considering that it’s ON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE. It’s not like I was living in the penthouse of Eureka Towers, it was right there and I could see it. 

Easy enough to fix you'd think. Called them, informed them that it was actually quite easy to find the meter box and that they didn’t actually need to put a ridiculous estimate in place when they could just come around and have a look for themselves. Assurances that they will do just that. Then a month later the first ‘reminder’ comes through. So I called again, and they promised to come around and have a look at it again. Cue more overdue notices. I tried once more, having already moved out of the property, and after some farcical explanation about how it was an 'old meter' so they couldn't read it absolutely nothing proceeded to happen again. Eventually after months of grief and wasted time they waived the fee and an extra $100. Since then they have blatantly refused to believe that somebody else has taken responsibility for the final account total (which they have) and keep trying to get me to pay them $400. TRU Energy – YOU’RE ON THE LIST 

2) The Commonwealth Bank 

Has anyone ever managed to escape this place without them trying to up-sell you something? It's worse than a service station. Usually I’m very polite in saying “no, just because I look depressed doesn’t mean I need life insurance so my family can cash in when I neck myself”, but one day on Elizabeth Street I made the horrific mistake of attempting to change my address. 

That day they had their number one seller one, a stern mid-30s woman dressed as if she was actually in the mid 1930s and who wouldn’t take no for an answer on anything. Eventually I crumbled and after 10 minutes of “ are you sure I can’t get somebody to call you” agreed that she could do whatever she liked as long as I could just change my fucking address and get out of there already. So a few days later the phone rings and it’s some sleazy insurance broker. He gives me the usual chat, but when I tell him I’m not actually interested and just agreed to get the lunatic in the bank off my back he plays the old favourite “But what about your family! What if something goes wrong! Don’t you care?” card. To which I replied “No I don’t”, hung up and closed my account the next day. Commonwealth Bank – YOU’RE ON THE LIST 

1) Telstra 
Never before has there been so much panic about keeping such an incompetent business in public hands. If I was the government I'd take the money and run. Soon after moving I started receiving bills for a phone line that I never asked to be connected. Tried to ring them a couple of times, got put in queues and generally ignored so I gave up and waited to see what would happen. Eventually last month they decided that they did quite want their $120 and could I please fork it over. 

Given that I don’t, didn’t and never will have a home phone line I thought it was quite a fair query to ask what they wanted the money for. I finally got through to somebody a few months ago who spun me some b/s lines that I fell for like an idiot, and which I promptly forgot about again until I received the overdue notice. So I call again, and after 45 minutes of being put in queues I finally end up speaking to somebody who realises that yes, it’s been a cock up and because I’ve clearly never actually used the account that he can close it and refund me the money. 

Too easy, I’ll just sit back and wait for the letter confirming this. Instead I got more “give us money” notices. So I call again, and this is where it gets ludicrous. In one hour I was shuttled between the following departments, having to explain the entire story and give my details every time. 

1. Billing
2. Credit Management
3. Credit Management - Special Recovery
4. Disputes (and when they’re transferring you to them you know nobody’s taking your complaint seriously)
5. Landline department (sounds like a made-up department to me) 

Landline then connected me to; 6. Credit Management (again)

Eventually they say "yes, we can take those charges off, I just need to put you on hold to read the case notes”. So I go back on hold for, I think the 8th time, hear their shithouse version of I Am Australian for the 300th time and await the good news that I’ll never have to deal with this peanut of a company ever again. Then the call disconnected. I’m not suggesting she read the file and hit the magical dump button (though I wouldn’t be surprised) but that was it for me.

Luckily all the time I had spent on the phone had given me time to write my complaint to the Telecommunications Ombudsman and when the phone disconnected I was only a click away from officially complaining about their shenanigans. There’s no apology required – just the assurance that all my accounts (oh yes, somebody along the way told me that I had two phone lines with them. I HAVE NONE!) are obliterated from history and I never have to deal with these hacks ever again. Telstra – Oh you’d better believe that YOU’RE ON THE LIST

The Real Taste of Ckicken

Yours to view on Collins Street, Melbourne as we speak.  

I'm always conscious of taking pictures of this sort of thing because I'm always terrified that the owner will suddenly appear. Of course they never do... until this time. 

Her: "Do you want to come in?"
Me: "No, I'm looking at your sign"
H: "Why?"
M: "It's got a mistake on it"
H: "Oh yes it has... I never noticed"
M: (struggling to find a way out) "Well, other than that it's a nice sign"
H: "Yes it is thanks!" 

 And off I went...

CSI: Richmond

Only the other night I claimed that Richmond was overrated as a crime destination. Sure some guy offered me quality gear as I walked through the housing commission estate one day, sure I heard somebody on Victoria Street say "yeah I score in the morning before work" and yes, there were junkies who used to shoot up next to my car but in the end I met them and they were lovely. Other than that? Nothing. 

I even considered not renewing my contents insurance and saving myself a much needed $350 (what credit crunch? I've been wasting my money for years) before chickening out. So, this morning I wake up and open my door to find a mobile phone on my doorstep, the security screen wedged open with a pair of women's shoes and blood all over the front door. Now, I know I had an operation to make me sleep better but I'm not sure I would have managed to sleep through somebody making a serious attempt at getting my attention if they were being beaten up or variously molested so I was deeply suspicious right from the start. 

The police tell them they're sending somebody over, and as I'm waiting for them the mobile rings and Ms. X (names deleted to protect the dubious) tells me that she's lost her phone. I explain that I've got it and she's all "how did it get there!" when I tell her it's in Richmond. Then I explain that I'd called the cops and she goes a bit coco bananas telling me not to give them any of her stuff. Err, bad luck - given that they were clearly going to seize it all anyway. 

In the worst explanation ever Ms. X claims that her alleged brother is an alleged Hawthorn player and always does this sort of stuff. I suggested she might want to give him a call and make sure that he's alright given that it looks as if he wasn't having the best of nights if he was wandering the streets of the inner east bleeding on things with women's shoes in hand. 

Eventually I gracelessly exited the conversation after being offered a "Christmas present" if I returned her stuff (and that's when the dubiousness meter went straight to 11). The cops did their forensic work and predictably confiscated the phone and shoes as evidence in an attempted burglary. 

Farcical scenes. However, if I may make a recommendation - Spray and Wipe is wicked for taking blood off a wooden door. Looks almost new!

North to Ibiza in the Mediterranean Sun

It took me a week just to post this..



RIP

Best General Ever

Thailand - the home of military comedy. 

A Thai general who warned anti-government activists to book their own funerals ahead of a rally this weekend hit out at his bosses Friday after saying he had been moved to a role teaching aerobics. 

Major General Khatiya Sawadiphol, an adviser to the Thai army, has courted controversy with a string of comments against demonstrators who have occupied the prime minister's offices in Bangkok. An army spokesman said that Khatiya, who has written books about his combat exploits, had been appointed by army chief General Anupong Paojinda to lead the military's health club promotion task force. 

Khatiya, who is under investigation on disciplinary charges, told newspapers that his new posting was "ridiculous". "The army chief wants me to be a presenter leading aerobic dancers. I have prepared one dance. It's called the throwing-a-hand-grenade dance," the Bangkok Post quoted Khatiya as saying. 

The army, however, denied the general's assertion. "The working group is to find a way for army staff and families to exercise. It does not mean, as Khatiya sarcastically told reporters, that he will lead aerobic dances in the marketplace," Lieutenant Colonel Sirichan Ngathong told AFP. 

The group leading the protests, the People's Alliance for Democracy (PAD), have called for a blockade of parliament on Sunday after one of its members was killed and 29 were wounded in a grenade attack on Thursday. Khatiya reportedly warned them to book Buddhist temples for their funerals if they went ahead. "Bullets will be fired from all sides into Government House so please get out," he was quoted as saying in Matichon newspaper. 

See, it's funny now - but surely everyone can see that this guy is going to lose the plot and take out a few people before he ever gets the chance to don the leotard and do squat thrusts.

Kritics Korner *SPOILERS BE HERE*

My problems with the new James Bond film.. (Stop reading now if you haven't seen it, I will not be held responsible otherwise) 

* The name - Complete bollocks.

* The villain - Remember when Bond villains would try and destroy the world so they could float around space procreating a new master race? Well, this guy is stealing water from Bolivians. Thrillsville - where do I buy the Mr. 3A action figure? 

* The girl - Decidedly average 

* Bond goes "rogue" - Yawn 

* Gadgets - None. Not even that funky thing he had last time that started his heart from the car after he'd been poisoned. A GPS phone? How exciting. 

Purists will probably be throwing bricks at their keyboard reading this, and let's not forget that I actually like Moonraker so who am I to have an opinion, but I'm telling you if that movie hadn't had James Bond on the marquee then it would never have been made. 

Daniel Craig is a good Bond, because without him that would have been nothing more than a very average Vin Diesel movie. If it had been the king of slop Pierce Brosnan I probably would have walked out after five minutes. 

Verdict - 2 stars. Must try harder.

Alright, that's good stuff

Two footballers. Two of the worst videos you'll ever see.

 

The Jacko one is more lyrically obscure and pointless ("I make my own tomato juice and I drink it all the time"? but at least he's not tempted to actually try and sing like Warrick. 

However, I'm giving the nod in this one to Mr. Capper (he of the long blonde locks) due to the bit at 1.48 where he's playing pool and after he pots they quickly cut away to disguise the white dropping as well. Champagne all round. 

Then there's Jacko's follow up single.. at least Warrick was smart enough to pull the pin after one track.

Motoring Magic

I was lucky enough to be standing at the corner of Collins and Exhibition Street yesterday and witness one of the most shambolic attempts at driving in history. 

At an intersection with the dreaded hook turn, the shambolic motorist sat in the right lane indicating, ready to turn. Naturally, the cars behind her start honking their horns to a) indicate that she can't turn there, and b) give them some release from jumping out and smashing the bonnet with a tire iron. 

So she pulls forward a bit, which does absolutely nothing for traffic flow except generate more horns, eventually pulling into the middle of the intersection, at which time a police motorbike arrives and starts talking to her. Presumably, he was offering full run down on the actual road rules of Victoria, because by the time he'd finished the lights had turned red and she was stuck in the middle of the intersection. 

By that time a car who was actually doing a hook turn was about to turn when the original realised she was stuck and took off, almost collecting the hook turner. More horns. Eventually they worked out what they were doing and the turner got away without being t-boned by this tragic figure in a green Ford Falcon. However by then the pedestrian lights had turned green and she couldn't move out of the intersection because there were 50 people in front of the car. More horns - including from inside the Green shambles car directed at the people crossing the road. 

Eventually the motorbike cop had to pull into the crossing and physically stop people from going in front of her so she could clear the intersection without killing anyone. Bell Shakespeare Company be buggered, it was the best drama I've ever seen.

Great Moments in Politics

#2323432 - The 1993 Christchurch By-Election.  

The English have the right idea - let anyone put what they want down as a party on their ballot paper and watch the comedy begin. 

This starts slow but stick with it. Eventually you get to see a generously chested model representing the "Buy The Daily Sport" party, the "Ian for King" party, a giant chicken, and somebody in a full English football kit running on the platform of sacking the national team manager. It depresses me that we'll never get to see scenes like this. 

A third party candidate winning in a field of novelty named parties and being congratulated by a seven foot red chicken is what Australia needs now, not boring crunts like Rudd and Turnbull. GIVE US THE CHICKEN OR GIVE US DEATH! 

On another note it's surprising to see Esme Watson off A Country Practice elected to parliament. That must have sent shockwaves through Wandin Valley.

The Gold 104 Files

Now incorporating Shame FM. 

A handful of you might be old and local enough to remember Melbourne radio in the early 90s. It was a completely different universe from what we have today. Mix hadn't become TTFM yet, the once famous 3AK had randomly turned into an Italian language station, Magic was about to be launched under the frankly un-marketable name 3EE, and Fox FM was - for the love of god - a classic hits station that promoted Tina Turner concerts. 

And there I was, a stupid kid raised on one of the more farcially acquired record collections in history. My mum still claims that the Don Lane record in her collection was a freebie that she got whilst working for Channel 9, but I find that slightly dubious. I was also a freebie she got working but that's a story for another day and I'm sure Don wasn't involved. 

Despite a heaving LP collection featuring such classics as Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass' Going Places (which, if you'll excuse the exclamation, is a fucking corker of an album no matter what anyone says) we didn't really listen to music at home, but I remember mornings getting ready for school and hearing 3KZ, later to be KZFM, around the house. In fac,t I remember listening with a perverse glee to the automated announcements that they played on the old AM frequency the day they switched over. Somewhere along the line it became Gold 104 and I had been roped in. 

Despite a brief and fruitful flirtation with the pop charts in 1989 (highlighted by a cassingle collection featuring more Black Box than anyone should ever need) by the time I was 10 or 11 I remember having the radio on that tation all day every day when I was at home. There were so many close calls with disaster as I leapt from one side of the room to hit record on a song I wanted to keep on tape that it's a surprise I never injured myself, becoming a case study in why home taping was not only illegal but deadly. 

Despite brief flirtations with JJJ and grunge (eww) during 1992, KISS FM and dance during 1994, and Triple J again during the Britpop era I always went back to Gold. Fact - the first song I ever illegally downloaded was Jailbreak by AC/DC.

So here's the all-time top ten (in no particular order) songs that Gold introduced me to before they lost the plot and started playing Coldplay tracks. 

Gladys Knight and the Pips - Midnight Train To Georgia  

More soap opera in five minutes than Neighbours has managed in 15 years. Fact - on the CD in my car this follows a Ghostface Killah track and confuses the fuck out of anyone who is in there when it comes on. 

George Baker Selection - Little Green Bag  

Not just for fans of Reservoir Dogs.

The Grass Roots - Midnight Confession 

For unclear reasons this reminds me of Grade 6 camp. The entire year level except me got poisoned on dodgy spaghetti bolognaise and the tape in my walkman was all I had to block out the sound of en masse heaving. At the time this was my favourite song, because I was already an old man.

The Hollies - Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress  

Sure they could have come up with a catchier title, but it was the Creedence song that Creedence never wrote. 

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Long As I Can See The Light  

And speaking of Creedence. 

Gene Pitney - 24 Hours to Tulsa  

More soap opera drama and hot action 

RB Greaves - Take A Letter Maria

It's pure Shame FM now, but at the time I loved it. We're about one degree from the Pina Colada Song here.

Crosby, Stills and Nash - Woodstock  

To be honest I preferred Suite Judy Blue Eyes because I'd seen it in the Woodstock movie but when I rang up to request it one night the DJ had never even heard of that and I ended up with this instead. Not a bad trade off. 

The Lovin' Spoonful - Summer In The City  

A classic eventually beaten to death by being played in every single 'summer' radio promo or Channel 7 tennis ad for about five years. 

Edison Lighthouse - Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)  

Five alarm shonk, but I'm into it. Surprisingly I don't remember Gold ripping out too many power ballads. It was more Eleanor Rigby and farce like Judy in Disguise. 

Happy days indeed.

Reasons not to mess with hockey players

Everyone knows that hockey players are violent lunatics right? Well, tell that to these spectators who decided to get involved and found themselves.. shall we say.. outmatched?

   

15 punches in ten seconds from a man with the most spectacular mullet in history. 

   

The winner of the 1990 Calgary "glass jumping" competition.  

Fat man goes to the penalty box with comedic results. And what's the best we can do? Darren Milburn murdering Steven Silvagni and getting yelled at by some Carlton bogans.  

Bonus points to that video for randomly invoking the spirit of Pat Benetar.

More reasons why Obama needs to be President

Because he does Hall and Oates references in his speeches, 

"But we can't afford four more years like the last eight. George Bush and John McCain are out of ideas, they are out of touch, and if you stand with me, in 17 days they will be out of time."

I'm still upset that nobody had the chance to vote for the Hall/Oates ticket in '84. Thanks for nothing Ronald Reagan.

From Milan With Love

or... "21 great Italo Disco band names and their songs" 

Ahh, the 80s - an era where any idiot with a synth could put out a track that 'the kids' would go apeshit over. The only problem is once you've come up with a dynamite track what do you call yourself? This is where the italo artists often lost the plot. Sure, "The Beatles" must have looked odd in it's day but it's got nothing compared to some of these. 

93rd Superbowl - Forever and a Day 

Alexander Robotnick - Problemes D'Amour
Amadeus Liszt - Win The Race 

Answering Service - Call Me Mr. Telephone 

Apple in Jacket - New World 

Argentina - Baby Don't You Break (My Heart) 

Baltimora - Tarzan Boy (surely the most famous Italo track ever, even though it was by an Irishman) 

Beagle Music Ltd. - Daydream 

Buckingham Palace - Give Me Your Name 

Danny Boy & the Serious Party Gods - Castro Boy (and they're not talking about Fidel, let me tell you. Featuring the classic line "It's not pretty being easy") 

Facts & Fiction - Give Me the Night 

Free Enterprise - I'm Not Afraid To Love You 

International Music System - Dancing Therapy 

Kinky Go - Gimme the Love 

Mozzart - Money (Classic italo, even if he does look like a tit in the video) 

Oxo - Keep On Living (what came first, the italo band or the stock cube?) 

Peter & the Wolf - Peter and the Wolf 

 Psychic Interface - Dancin' in the Night 

Sweet Connection - Heart To Heart

<--- i="" tune="">The Midnight's Moscow - Tavarisc Gorbachev
X-Ray Connection - Get Ready 

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<--- i="" tune=""> For those of you still confused about the role of Italo in Western society I suggest either this or this. If you do 'get' italo may I suggest a psychiatrist - the queue starts behind me. Furthermore here are my top 5 non-comedy name italo tracks of all time, 

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<--- i="" tune=""> 1. Albert One - Turbo Diesel 

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<--- i="" tune=""> 2. Black Box - Ride On Time 

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<--- i="" tune=""> 3. Eddy Huntington - USSR

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A Conceptual Nightmare

To be an actual concept album it's got to have some kind of discernable story or theme running through it. According to Wikipedia "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers The Album: A Rock Adventure" is a concept album. No it fucking isn't. Thanks to the 13-year-old (or tremendous pervert) who added that I have to discount their entire list and come up with my own. I can only think of four that I actually like, and one that is sort of there but is arguable. 

  Baader Meinhof - Baader Meinhof 

 

First alphabetically and critically. This almost completely unknown album from Luke Haines (Black Box Recorder, The Auteurs etc..) tells a stylised version of the story of the Red Army Faction. Slinky lounge music about 1970's German terrorists - it shouldn't work but it does. Creepingly sinister, but beautiful at the same time it won't teach you anything about terror that you didn't already know but it does sound spectacular. Incidentally during year 8 I was quizzed by the school librarians about why I kept borrowing the same books about international terrorism and Carlos the Jackal again and again. No proper answers were forthcoming, but I turned out alright didn't I? Nowadays if you did that they'd search your locker for a concealed stash of AK47's and pipebombs. Ahh, the mid 90's - such a simple time.

   

 Drive-By Truckers - Southern Rock Opera

 

The 70s in the deep south as seen in a double album of songs that pretty much all have something to do with Lynyrd Skynyrd. The first act is called "Betamax Guillotine" after the urban legend about an on-board video player taking somebody's head off in the plane crash that killed most of the band. Not quite country, but not rock either. Call it.. Southern Rock? If you want. There's even spoken word interludes if you're into that sort of thing. I first heard of this randomly listening to Triple R one afternoon driving around in a work car when the track "Ronnie and Neil" came on and I was blown away. Great album, great song.

   

  Lou Reed - Berlin

 

It is, they say, the most depressing album of all time and they're not far off. Drugs, death, sordid sex, crying children - cheery Lou has it all. It's a far cry from the comedy trannies wandering down the street on Transformer. Unlikely to make you lob yourself off the Westgate Bridge unless you're already that way inclined, but not one to be playing as the on-hold music at Lifeline.  

 

Neon Neon - Stainless Style

I have a little-known fetish for stainless steel. God knows if I had enough money to live anywhere but a decrepit hellhole then it would be stacked with that shit, and with enough fingerprint marks to make a professional cleaner weep. So, in the realm of fantasy car purchasing, I'd like the DMC-12 from Back To The Future in all its stainless steel glory. Fuck the time travel, give me the vehicle that looks like a part of somebody's kitchen. 

So, when I heard that old mate out of the Super Furry Animals (Hometown Unicorn anyone? Brilliant. Oh, all right then how about this you foul mouthed beasts?) had signed up for an entire album about John DeLorean and the DMC I was IN, even if it did turn out to be naff. Luckily it turned out to be ace, is probably my album of the year so far and features a song (see below) which is a dead cert for my end of season top five. 

What a story too - man rises from the slums to become a car company executive, starts his own company, designs a freaky deaky car, builds it in a factory in Belfast that has seperate entrances for catholics and protestants, watches the entire thing go tits up, tries to sell cocaine to save himself, gets busted, goes broke and then watches the demand for the cars go through the roof too bloody late when it turns out that the things can travel through time.  

 Pulp - This Is Hardcore

 

Ok, so I'm cheating a bit here. It's not a concept as such, but it does represent a suite of songs by Jarvis Cocker which essentially say "oh fuck, I'm famous. What do I do now?" As far as I can see, the answer was "an even better album" as this has got highlights from top to bottom as opposed to the sketchy Different Class. 

The Fear is the perfect post-fame paranoia ("This is the sound of someone losing the plot, making out that they're ok when they're not. You'll like it, but not a lot") and the tone of the album slips neatly from terror, to lust, joy and resignation without missing a beat. Undoubtedly the highlight of Jarvis' career so far it didn't sell half as well as Different Class due to a) the Britpop boom dying in the arse, and b) not having the sort of Common People-esque anthem that it's predecessor did. Probably the best "sound of somebody losing the plot" that you'll ever hear.  

NO CARRIER

Back in the good old days of 1996-1997 when I was lucky to go to school three days a week I became something of a midday movie specialist. Hey, the internet was still shit then - what else was I supposed to do, watch the Midday Show?

The movies they have on during the day are generally low budget made for TV slopfests about some American idiot overcoming the loss of their frontal lobe to win a spelling bee or something, but occasionally they throw in something that was huge in its time but has dated so horribly that they can't put it on anywhere else. And thus more than a decade later I found myself comatose on a couch in the midst of a semi-legitimate sick day watching the MOST DATED FILM OF ALL TIME, Wargames. 

For those who aren't familiar, pre-Bueller Matthew Broderick is a massive early 80s computer nerd who is inexplicably being cracked on to by a pre-hot in The Breakfast Club Ally Sheedy but is too busy with 5 1/4 inch floppies to do anything about it. In attempting to 'break in' to a computer company's system to play some new game he comes across another computer that doesn't identify itself. With the help of what surely must have been the first ever stereotype computer nerds in a feature film Bueller learns that every system has a 'backdoor' password which you can type in and that will bypass EVERY security aspect that it has. 

Even allowing for the fact that this was probably true in 1983 it seems fairly ludicrous now. Eventually, he gets in via the immortal code-word Joshua and instead of choosing to play one of the sensible sounding games like Chess, he and Sheeds decide on a round of Global Thermonuclear War. Of course he's actually logged into NORAD and suddenly everyone thinks that the Russians are about to drop 500 megatons of nuclear weapons. High alert, Defcon 2 and various panic ensues until they realise it was all a fake. 

Much soul searching takes place before they discover that it was actually some punk kid and arrest him coming out of a 7/11 drinking a Big Gulp (no slurpee available?) Of course by now the program has a life of its own via various wacky shenanigans it decides to set off a real nuclear war. 

Cue some of the most retrospectively hillarious dialogue in history ("What about we attack the deep logic?" "I keep hitting a firewall!") and a farcical finale where Bueller beats the government super computer with a mind of its own by forcing it to play tic-tac-toe against itself. All charges are presumably dropped and he finally - albeit unfairly - get the girl. 

 Absolutely ludicrous television by today's standards but it must have blown people's minds in it's day. I can just see hundreds of freaks buying a 300 baud modem (that's about a billion times slower than the internet you're on, no matter what type it is) and desperately trying to stick it to the government. Incidentally, there's a bit in the film where the makers must surely have been taking the piss. Fast forward to 1.30 of this clip and take a look at some of the simulation names they have for nuclear war. 

Next time there's any sort of international conflict I want my government waiting for the "Hong Kong Variant", "SEATO Decapitating", "Iceland Maximum", "Sudan Surprise" or the time honoured "Angentina Escalation" (whoops, didn't think anyone would see that did we?) I'm surprised the "Dirty Sanchez" didn't get a run somewhere. So, err, anyway. If you're tired of life and have two hours to waste you could do worse than sit down and watch this movie. For instance you could stick your hand into a meat mincer or jump into the lion cage at the zoo dressed like a chicken roll.

Welcome back Joe

Joe Kinnear, former manager of Wimbledon FC (RI freaking P), is inexplicably back as manager of Newcastle United in the Premier League. Now, Joe is no shrinking violet - in fact he still had to serve a one match suspension at the start of his new job for calling a referee "Coco the Clown" at the end of his last stint. He also payed 7.5 million pounds for John Hartson and tried to insist Ceri Hughes was actually a footballer, but that's another thing altogether. 

For your enjoyment we present edited highlights of his very first press conference as Newcastle manager. Who said football was bland? Imagine how much you'd get fined if you were an AFL coach who did this?

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]? 

SB Me. 

JK You're a cunt. 

SB Thank you. 

What a response. What an OPENING response. 

JK I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don't talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level ... [but] you will find some cunt that ... 

Other journalist: How long is your contract for Joe? 

JK None of your business. 

A brave club official attempts to exercise damage control with disastrous results, 

Newcastle press officer What has been said in here is off the record and doesn't go outside. 

Journalist Well, is that what Joe thinks? 

JK Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don't affect me I assure you. It'll be the last time I see you anyway. Won't affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don't trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain't coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I'm ridiculed for no reason. I'm defenceless. I can't get a point in, I can't say nothing, I can't do nothing, but I ain't going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I'm not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I've got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It's ongoing. It just doesn't stop. 

Journalist It's only been a week. 

JK Exactly. It feels more like a year. 

Press officer Let's get on to football. Let's have an agreement that everything said so far, if anyone has got their tapes on, it's wiped off and we're not discussing it. 

Journalist But that's what Joe has said he thinks of us. 

Press officer I'm saying don't push it. Let's accept what's been said and try and move on. 

Journalist: Move on to not doing any more press conferences?
PO: No, to doing something now.
Journalist: What, one press conference only? 

(Silence) 

And we end with Klassic Kinnear - the sort of stuff that landed him a touchline ban for calling the referee a muppet years before anyone else did that sort of stuff. 

Journalist Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things? 

JK: Absolutely. I've loved every moment of it. 

Two weeks ago I hated Newcastle. Now they're my favourite Premier League side.

Grand Final Day Review

Pre Match 

The entertainment - If Powderfinger isn't the dullest band ever to be declared 'popular' then I'm not here. Even Coldplay and Radiohead look charismatic in comparison. The entire concept was far from the worst ever (Kath and fucking Kim in a hovercraft anyone?) but it was nothing special. What the buggery was up with people swinging around with giant poles up their clacker? Looked more like an artistic BDSM installation than a grand final. 

The crowd 

Looks like a few legitimate fans managed to sneak their way in amongst the glory hunters and corporate swine. I'm sure the AFL are working on ways to try and stamp out this offensive practice in time for next year. 

Game 

I had Tom Lonergan for first goalkicker on the basis that having his kidney destroyed by Brad Miller practically made him a Melbourne player. And in the absence of any actual ex-Melbourne players giving it the Steve Armstrong "You sacked me and I've won more flags than you have in 40 years so fuck you" routine that was close enough for me. Good enough for first goalkicker anyway. 

I was sort of going for Hawthorn due to the fact that Clarkson played two pretty much forgettable seasons for us at the arse end of his career and Todd Viney is one of their assistant coaches. So I got the cash for Lonergan AND the Hawks by 25-42. Which was nice. Would have got the quarter quad if it had been two points closer. Which would have been nicer. 

Oh, the actual game? Who cares - somebody won, somebody lost. We'd all laugh at Geelong if Melbourne had been capable of winning anything ever, but as it stands they're still a shitload better than us so good luck to them. 

Surely my theory that a Premiership buys a decade of stress relief must count for something. I can't see myself being THAT shattered if I was a Geelong fan - sure you lost after one of the best seasons ever but last year's win MUST be consolation enough. Throw a bread roll at Luke Hodge when you see him if you want, but at least acknowledge the fact that you're doing a lot better than anyone who follows Footscray, Melbourne, St. Kilda, Richmond or Freo. Actually Freo fans deserve whatever they get. 

Coverage

Who gives a rats about analysis? We were too busy watching the Top 40 allegedly "Banned Videos" on VH1 in the breaks. In what jurisdiction was Baby Got Back banned? A country that didn't like big butts? I recall turning the volume up to maximum when Killing In The Name Of came on and yelling "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!" a few times. Would make a great theme song - take notes GC17 and the West Sydney Farce. 

Emo 

If I hadn't rebelled against the suburb of my birth at seven years of age and decided that I would go for whoever played Hawthorn in the '88 Grand Final then I'd be face down a pool of my own emissions in celebration at Glenferrie Oval right now rather than trying to find some joy in the performance of Stef Martin in the Grand Final sprint.

Inner City Pressure

Various things found next to my car in the last few days...  

Leaving the entire roll of tinfoil behind was a masterstroke. I could almost tear the rest off and use it in my oven. This happened between 9am and 5pm today, aided by my nutbag neighbour providing a handy screen with his abandoned van. Alternatively, people could stick to the time honoured method of skagging up under railway bridges (look, there's one just up the street) instead. 

I'm just to give my car an HIV test when the one in the tree is shaken free by wind and implants itself in my tire. Now, here's the thing. This is the third time that I've found this sort of gear in that spot - what do when I eventually bust them in the act? A friendly "Do you mind"? Go inside like nothing's happened, call plod and wait for them to come back and take a dump on my windshield as vengeance? Sit down and have a crack at playing Kurt Cobain myself? Who knows.

(Update from the future - I eventually did catch them in the act. After asking them to take their shit with them in the future there were no further dramas. Everything was very polite).

Something new every day..

I've never seen any mention of Plastic Bertrand's gibberish 'classic' Ca Plane Pour Moi being lifted almost entirely from another song, but through the magic of Wikipedia here you go...

   

No wonder they don't tell you what it's based on given the high 'blue' content of the original. Imagine if they'd played this in National Lampoon's European Vacation when they're pissfarting around in the Louvre? People would have been falling out of their cinema chairs everywhere. What's better? Indecipherable French wailing or HJ's a-go-go? We report, you decide.

Random Brownlow Thoughts

* What good is Kate Ceberano without Russell Robertson? Nil I say. Did we really need her singing "Let Me Entertain You"? The response from the assembled crowd of pissed footballers and blondes when she tried to get them to clap along said it all really. 

* Surely somebody could have stopped Demetriou straight away when he somehow started reading the Round 2 votes instead of Round 1. Perhaps if they didn't try and belt through the first half of the season in 25 seconds in order to cram a few more ads in they wouldn't cock it up? No damage done - except to the reputation of anyone who thinks the AFL have half an idea what they're doing. 

* But if we're going to have 3hrs of speed reading and gurning footy players on prime time network television is there ANY DANGER of putting the National Draft on too? Surely even if Channel 10 don't want to bump a highly rating Elvis movie at midday on a Sunday then Fox Sports could take a camera in and film it. For gods sake I'll do it with a handycam.
* About round 6 every year is where I start to realise I'm not as into this as I thought before the evening started. Cue eight rounds of moderate despair before getting interested again. Doesn't help when your team is an unreconstructed slopfest who rarely, if ever, made the round-by-round highlights packages. 

* Speaking of - is there any chance they might try and find a highlight or an interesting tidbit from all eight games across the week? Cut out a bit of Kate and a few ads and give us some decent packages. At least this year it meant we didn't have to see Melbourne lose every week - or at all for the first two months of the season. 

* Non-footy people may not understand why it's so important to watch people read the names of drafted players out rather than listen to it on the radio. But it is - get used to it. Just be thankful it's not like the NFL with a two day draft. 

* Was I the only one to almost fall off the couch in celebration when Jamie Shanahan was mysteriously wheeled out for Robert Harvey's tribute? When Harvs said how he shared a beer with those on stage when they got knocked out of the '98 finals he probably wasn't referring to the bloke who was lined up for the team that put them out. As the one and only person to ever wear a Shanahan #1 MFC jumper I'll take any excuse to see him in action, even if it is standing around looking a bit confused. 

 * The Channel 10 late news was being advertised as coming on at 11.21pm. What a random time. 

 * At least we didn't have to sit through some sort of ridiculous "family man" bollocks where they let kids be cute like James Hird and family last year. Funniest Home Videos is on Sunday night, that's where you do the "aww" and "ahh" work. Brownlow Night is for giant excel spreadsheets. 

 * Speaking of stats, interesting that Ten used every opportunity they had to show the top 10 on the leaderboard but never once did a team-by-team leaders count throughout the night. Nor did they persist with roping in the likes of Robert Walls for 'expert' comments. In fact at the very same time the count was on Robby W was appearing on what must surely have been the lowest rating episode of Fox Sports' "On The Couch" ever. 

* How the buggery did Jeff White a vote against Freo, Yze against Collingwood and Wheatley against West Coast? Nothing at all to do with being bitter about Brad Green not winning our count. Not at all. P.S - For god's sake can Brock McLean please play 22 rounds next season? He'll win the bloody thing if we can avoid losing every game by 200 points.

* Didn't expect much from Cooney's speech, but he was quite entertaining. Half cut perhaps? If not he will be soon. 

* Roll on trade week, the draft(s) and next freaking season already. Cricket is clearly a fictional sport. 

* Grand Final? I'll be offbeat and say Hawthorn by 5 goals. However I'm sure we're all hoping for the same thing to happen. Geelong by 2pts, Franklin marks 30m out directly in front and the siren goes. How's THAT going to be for tension - the golden boy either delivers or costs them a flag. Wild.

Time Life's Classic Soundtrack Collection

This one's for anybody who's no longer thrilled by the soft rock (that's ROCK) collection. That's advertised by Air Supply - what else do you need? Country Classics presented by Kenny Rogers? DONE! 

Anyway, soundtracks these days are a bit of farce. Anywhere you see the words "music inspired by" you may as well just pour the CDs into that dodgy Cranbourne landfill and begone with them. Today, for want of anything better to do, we present TSP's all time top three favourite soundtrack albums. Your opinion may vary - I'm sure that's nice for you. 

Reservoir Dogs

The best $5 I ever spent at one of those 'Everything must go' sales. Almost completely devoid of hits, and about as short as you can get away with and still expect people to pay, but dripping with quality from top to bottom. The highlight is Little Green Bag, which was always one of my favourite songs in a childhood inexplicably spent listening to Gold 104 when they were so hardcore about the 'oldies' that they didn't even play songs from the 80's. 

1. And Now Little Green Bag... - Dialogue by Steven Wright 

2. Little Green Bag - George Baker 

3. Rock Flock Of Five - Dialogue by Steven Wright 

4. Hooked On A Feeling - Blue Suede 

5. Bohemiath - Dialogue by Steven Wright
6. I Gotcha - Joe Tex
7. Magic Carpet Ride - Bedlam
8. Madonna Speech - Dialogue by Quentin Tarantino
9. Fool For Love - Sandy Rogers
10. Super Sounds - Dialogue by Steven Wright
11. Stuck In The Middle With You - Stealers Wheel
12. Harvest Moon - Bedlam
13. Let's Get A Taco - Dialogue by Harvey Keitel 

14. Keep On Truckin' - Dialogue by Steven Wright
15. Coconut - Harry Nilsson
16. Home Of Rock - Dialogue by Steven Wright 

Everyone knows Stealers Wheel, but the two Bedlam tracks are hidden highlights. Their cover of Magic Carpet Ride is flawless (I prefer it to the original) and as the title would suggest Harvest Moon is the Neil Young song that Neil Young never bothered to write himself. Throw in the Joe Tex track (later covered in ordinary fashion by Jimmy Barnes) and Coconut - one of the best closing credit music moments in cinema history and you're getting more than your $5 worth.

Party Monster

Sleazy 80's/90's disco/house out the wazoo from a film featuring the shock return of Macauley Culkin. Good film, but the soundtrack is where all the action is. 

1. Take Me to the Club - Mannequin
2. Seventeen - Ladytron
3. Frank Sinatra - Miss Kittin & The Hacker 

4. Money, Success, Fame, Glamour - Felix Da Housecat Vs. Pop Tarts/Macauley Culkin/Seth Green/Chloe ... 

5. You're My Disco - Waldorf 

6. Two of Hearts - Stacey Q 

7. Overdose - Tomcraft 

8. Get Happy - Happy Thought Hall 

9. Le Rock 01 - Vitalic 

10. Go - Tones On Tail 

11. New York New York - Nina Hagen 

12. It Can't Come Quickly Enough - Scissor Sisters 

13. Inside Out - W.I.T. 

14. Kiss Me - Stephen "Tin Tin" Duffy 

15. Give Me Tonight - Shannon 

16. How to Be a Millionaire - ABC

17. Crash - Keoki 

18. The La La Song - Marilyn Manson as Christina 

19. Good Is Bad - Headrillaz/Ricky Barrow 

Highlights - Frank Sinatra (electoclash sleaze), You're My Disco and Nina Hagen's New York, New York which has absolutely nothing to do with the version made famous by Frankie. 

Velvet Goldmine 
One of my favourite films of all time - and that's got absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you can see Toni Collette's muff. 

1. Needle In The Camel's Eye - Brian Eno
2. Hot One - Shudder To Think 

3. 20th Century Boy - Placebo 

4. 2HB - The Venus In Furs 

5. T.V. Eye - Wylde Rattz 

6. Ballad of Maxwell Demon - Shudder To Think 

7. The Whole Shebang - Grant Lee Buffalo 

8. Ladytron - The Venus In Furs 

9. We Are The Boys - Pulp 

10. Virginia Plain - Roxy Music 

11. Personality Crisis - Teenage Fanclub & Donna Matthews 

12. Satelite Of Love - Lou Reed 

13. Diamond Meadows - T. Rex 

14. Bitter's End - Paul Kimble & Andy Mackay

15. Baby's On Fire - The Venus In Furs 

16. Bitter-Sweet - The Venus In Furs 

17. Velvet Spacetime - Carter Burwell 

18. Tumbling Down - The Venus In Furs 

19. Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) - Steve Harley 

Quality 70s tracks all over, top shelf covers by The Venus In Furs (featuring Radiohead's Thom Yorke in shock 'useful' mode) and the last known sighting of Elastic's Donna Matthews (who as we've previously discussed I had some sort of sick crush on when I was 15). The two major highlights, though, are the Shudder To Think tracks. The versions in the movie are a million times removed from the ones on the album, and Hot One in particular is still one of my favourite songs ever.

Commentary Spectacular

If you're anything like me, whenever you see a headline on a newspaper website that looks even mildly controversial you dive straight in. The article is usually tremendously boring or something you already know, but the fun is comments from nutbags. 

Take this story for instance. People like being gone down on. SHOCK HORROR - Alert the mobile news crews and get ready for around the clock CNN coverage. 

Here's two of the best from Shocked and Appalled of Fremantle (Click for full size..); 

   

Who exactly is going to be manufacturing these jars of death? Heinz? And seriously - sharp teeth? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU PEOPLE ON?

Monday Video Classix

How long has it been? Too long! Tonight it's the song that launched a million pole dances - so I've heard. Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me"


Welcome to the House of Leppard. Many ladies have opened this door, seen this man and gone missing immediately afterwards.


Usually when they came inside and met this guy...


Not to mention the winner of the 1987 Jon Bon Jovi fanclub lookalike competition on the left...


... and a one armed drummer. He may very well be the most normal person in the band.


Of course being the 80's and being a rock band the Def - as their friends know them - were presumably massive root rats. However it's fair to say that this lass hadn't been part of their hard rock rampage around the globe.


Nor any of the females not aged 15-50 in this group. Although apparently granny went alright in her day.


There's something significant in this still. You might not be able to see it, so we'll highlight it later.


Meanwhile, while you try and work out what's going on there the young lady who has been slighted by the Def has decided to knock the house down. Makes sense I suppose.


OH MY GOD. That can't be real. We wasted an entire afternoon at work once trying to decide whether this was a packet of cigarettes or not.


I'm going to have to say no.


Behold, the second most prominent ball in this clip.


After that a mere house wrecking doesn't seem appropriate, but they keep it coming nonetheless.


Until eventually Swollen Manor is blown to pieces in a fiery explosion reminiscent of the last episode of E-Street. However, like cockroaches after a nuclear explosion they survived to release about 10,000 more albums and tour this October. Here's a hint, if you're going to the show may as well leave the binoculars at home.

Pitch Invasion Ole Ole Ole

For all the bollocks from the AFL during the week about rigourously enforcing fines for people who ran on the ground at Telstra Dome when the 100th goal was kicked the whole thing ended up being a bit of a fizz. You couldn't expect anything more though, Demetriou claiming that $6000 fines were going to be handed out left, right and centre was akin to the Georgia vs Russia war - a declaration of war followed by attempts to defend yourself with a shovel against an unstoppable invading force.

Despite what the AFL had to say it was obvious that Telstra Dome had the right idea (for the first time in history), as you could see them opening gates to the ground for people to run on rather than making them all jump the fence. I'm sure they could sense that some knob was going to take a sick bump trying to climb the fence and sue them over it. Once the invasion had taken place "play of the day" went to Robert Campbell of Hawthorn (who? I have no idea either) who was seen posing for photos with fans.

Now, we all knew that Demetriou and the AFL were full of shit. What's new? But in the spirit of the night, with the potential for dual 100 goal kickers and an allegedly sold out crowd that somehow still only got to 49k, I think they should have introduced a competitive element to the ground invasion. Announce that they don't give a rats arse if you run on or not, but after five minutes the siren will go and the last ten people off the ground - be they young, old, infirm or stupid, will cop the full 6 grand fine. Then it's fair for everyone - you get your chance to have a run, but if you don't get off before that siren goes then you're agreeing to participate in the inaugural Docklands scramble. Of course then when it's a bunch of 9-year-olds who have had their parents abandon them in the mad rush you don't actually fine them (or do you?) but at least it makes a point.

The only time I was ever at a game where somebody kicked the ton was Tony Lockett on a Monday night (why?) in 1998. I was in a corporate box for some strange reason so I didn't get the chance to do a lap of honour, but definately remember cracking the shits because we were winning and I didn't want to lose momentum. We won anyway, and despite kicking 4 Lockett was owned by Jamie Shanahan.

Retrospectively, were I to be hit with by a car and go back in time a'la Life On Mars, I'd like to go back and be at the Melbourne-Hawthorn game in Round 22, 1996. Having almost completely lost interest in sports at the time I didn't think much about it then, but now looking back I can't believe that the two sets of fans who were so against a merger (because, let's face it, the Melbourne "yes" vote was about so fraudulent it may as well have been held in Zimbabwe) didn't run on when Dunstall kicked him 100th and refuse to leave for 10 or 20 minutes until they had made their point. Tonight some peanuts erected a Buddy Franklin sign in the middle of the ground for a mere 100th goal, surely somebody could have made some about saving two football clubs. Were I not suffering from the same thing at the time I'd accuse everyone involved of severe apathy.

Meanwhile is there ANY danger that we'll ever see a Melbourne player kick the ton? Darren Bennett and David Neitz have gone respectively close in my lifetime and Allen Jakovich might have done it had he not spent so much time getting injured allegedly porking groupies, but it just seems destined never to happen. Yet another advantage of following a team that has won bugger all for 40+ years.

Surprise!

John McCain is getting on a bit. In fact he's about 250 years old. Certain disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters/nutbags are gagging for a woman to vote for. So, is anyone surprised that all of a sudden the Republican has picked a much younger, female running mate?

Sen. John McCain has picked Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his running mate, a senior McCain campaign official told CNN on Friday.

Palin, 44, who's in her first term as governor, is a pioneering figure in Alaska, the first woman and the youngest person to hold the state's top political job.

She catapulted to the post with a strong reputation as a political outsider, forged during her stint in local politics. She was mayor and a council member of the small town of Wasilla and was chairman of the state Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, which regulates Alaska's oil and gas resources, in 2003 and 2004.

Who knew Alaska still even existed? And here's a word I bet you've never heard before,

“Palin is becoming a star in the conservative movement, a fiscal conservative in a state that is looking like a boondoggle for pork barrel spending,” ”

I'll give you a clue. It's not "fiscal" or "conservative"

International Relations

Overheard from the announcers booth at the AFL International Cup today...

".. and their coach Robert Dipper.. Dipier.. Dipder.. oh you know, that bloke with the long choco surname"

Surely if you said that on the field you'd end up at the tribunal...

TSP's Guide to Firing Up The Games

Let's face it - for all the Aussie gold (which, for once, is not as much as the British gold and will presumably lead to shitloads of tax payer money being wasted to catch up) the Olympics are actually a bit tedious. Having been suckered into watching far too much of this stuff over the last couple of weeks I hereby tender the following suggestions for improving the entertainment value of the games.

* Give any judge who is kicked in the head by a disgruntled competitor the automatic right to challenge for the gold medal


* Run both the Men's and Women's Marathons at exactly the same time but in opposite directons across the course.

* Award Gold, Silver and Bronze in both the male and female disciplines to the athletes who get laid the most during their time in the Olympic Village. When it comes to spending your marketing budget landing a sporting superstar that's the medal tally I want to be having my money on. This should also help the lacklustre figures in this event during 2008 after world record attempts in Sydney and Athens.

* Mix up the relays. Make them have two men and two women. Then randomly draw the order in which each team must run.

* Replace boring normal tennis with Royal Tennis and watch a handful of people trying to serve off the penthouse. Alternatively Jai Alai would make a splash if you could find an Olympic standard fronton somewhere.

* Goodbye Decathalon. Hello Olympic "It's A Knockout"

* Further modernise the Modern Pentathalon by bringing in Playstation 3 and text messaging components. Use of predictive text means an instant DQ.

* Ban any gymnast under 15, and any BMX rider over 15. Then replace both softball and baseball with the Little League World Series.

* Throw Judo, Boxing, Wrestling and all the other pissy combat sports out and replace them with world series Ultimate Fighting Championship cagefighting.

* If you must have amateur wrestling make them do it in a professional ring. With entrance music, stunt chairs and pre-cut tables that they're allowed to throw people through.

* Introduce a "go for your life" category in the weightlifting where people are allowed to take whatever they like without fear of drug testing.

* Run the Steeplechase race under "No Holds Barred" rules where you trip, eye gouge and crash tackle people into the water hazard as much as you want for 3000 metres.

* Include a jousting section into the fencing.

* Lauren Jackson to be drafted into the Russian women's basketball team and both to be shown on a dedicated channel 24/7.

* Have two spots in each event reserved for a random draw of athletes from other sports. Then we can decide who's better between Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps with a game of table tennis, while Miao Miao can have a go at Super Heavyweight weightlifting.

* Replace the soccer rule that allows you to have 2 "over 23" players with one that allows you to have two under 30's and the rest have to be veterans.

* Take dressage out of the equestrian program and replace it with Harness Racing.

* Cancel all sailing events and instead hold an 18ft skiff regatta like the ones you used to see on during the lunch break of cricket matches.

* Swimming = wave pool and no lanes.

* Hold the open water swimming events down a river filled with needles and burnt out stolen cars. This will ensure that the Highpoint 2016 bid has a fair chance of succeeding.

* Let China drop the charade about being a fair and democratic nation just in time for the Closing Ceremony where they'll be allowed to publicly execute anyone they want and invade a small bordering nation.

* Have the closing ceremony created, concieved and organised by the winners of a worldwide reality TV series.

And for the next Winter Olympics Vancouver 2010 I suggest cancelling every single event and replacing it with a massive version of the Wide World Of Sports Wild Winter Weekend, hosted by Max Walker and Ken Sutcliffe with Darryl Eastlake on commentary.

International Olympic Committee. I am here for you.