Random Kountdown Korner

TSP’s all-time, all-argument starting best, and worst, sports logos of all time. All images courtesy of sportslogos.net

In no particular order we present,

The Best

Yomiuri Giants - Japanese Baseball

Note the way that the “Giant” aspect is perfectly put into perspective by the size of bats he’s holding and the city behind him? Read further and you’ll see what happens when designers don’t bother to do this and suddenly you get basketballs big enough to crush Rio De Janerio.



Washington Senators - Baseball


It’s a ye olde founding father senator winding up to hurl a fastball. Genius.

Vancouver Ravens - Lacrosse

Probably the hottest Raven ever invented.

Toledo Mud Hens - Baseball

Never before has any member of the chicken family shown so much concentration.

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Temple Owls

If you’re saddled with designing a logo for a pissweak animal like an Owl, at least make it look like it’s going to kill somebody.

Portland Sea Dogs - Baseball

It’s a dopey looking seal, but this has definately got something going for it.

Plymouth Whalers - Ice Hockey

The greatest blowhole blastoff EVER. Look at the concentration on his face - it’s the little things that make it.

Hartford Whalers - NHL

Speaking of Whalers, it’s the greatest stylised letter logo ever. If there’s ever been a professional sports team that needs to come back you’re looking at it.

Vancouver Canucks - Ice Hockey (1970)

Pong on an Atari 2600. Genius.

Oakland/Los Angeles/Oakland Raiders - NFL

Simple, classic and with a hint of real menace. He’s going to cut your head off and shag your dog.

New Orleans Voodoo - Arena Football League


Super spooky. But also classy!

Nashville Kats - Arena Football League

Sleazy cats don’t always make for the best logos, but when it looks like the Fonz and will probably sell you a key of coke in the carpark afterwards you’ve got to give some respect.

Minnesota Fighting Saints - Ice Hockey

An evil child. Will throw things at your car while you’re driving down the freeway.

Houston EZ-Rider - Tennis

Smokin’ rackets? That’s cool. EZ Rider? That’s just stupid. Lucky we’re not ranking sports team names - being named here would certainly show up that long defunct franchise.

Hawaii Islands - Arena Football League


There aren’t enough logos featuring somebody giving the big “don’t argue” with the left hand.

Hamilton Bulldogs - American Hockey League

The standard by which all sporting bulldogs should be judged. Infinately better than the shitful Footscray version.

Grand Rapids Rampage - Arena Football


By the time you see the rhino it will already have killed you. More likely to happen in Africa than Grand Rapids, but they’re not huge on Arena Football there apparently.

Cleveland Indians - Baseball

The happiest man in sports! No idea why, they never win anything.

Cincinatti Reds - Baseball

Sure, they may have also given us the worst logo ever (keep reading..) but what redemption - his head is a freaking baseball ferchristsake. This guy would get more birds than the Captain in the Flight Centre ad.

Hiroshima Toyo Carp - Japanese Baseball

Look at the sheer determination on that kid’s face! Every organisation which starts with “C” should be stealing this for motivational purposes.

Monmouth University Hawks

He wants you to come to his car. He wants to do things to you.

Toronto Phantoms - Arena Football

A truly terrifying spectre. Sadly the only thing that actually died was the team.

Youngstown University Penguins

That penguin is saying, “yes, I look stupid but mock me and I will DESTROY you”. A formidable opponent against anyone other than a club wielding Polish sailor.

The Worst



Lewiston MAINEiacs - Ice Hockey


So, you’re commissioned to come up with a logo for the worst team name ever. Do you, a) chuck a sickie, or b) create something resembling an inbred simpleton.

Denver Rockets - ABA (1971)

If the rocket is that big, and the mountains are that small - how big does that make the basketball? Frightening.

Denver Nuggets - ABA (1975)

What is it with Denver basketball sides? First the giant rocket, and now the guy who looks like Peter Russell Clarke having just sat on something substantial.

Columbus Crew - MLS

Looks more like a union meeting than a sports logo.

Los Angeles Sharks - World Hockey Association - 1973

Ladies and gentlemen, the porkiest shark of all time. So slow in the water that instead of running in terror when it turns up, people swim around and taunt it instead.

Milwaukee Admirals - American Hockey League


Drawn by a 12-year-old much?

Cleveland Barons - American Hockey League

A tuxedo clad shark with a monocle playing hockey should tick all the boxes for comedy, yet somehow this just falls short.

Cincinatti Reds - Baseball (1960)

First he stole bases, then he stole 12-year-olds from their beds. Horrifying.

Chicago Fire - World Football League (1974)

Dude! Your head is totally on fire!

Las Vegas 51’s - Baseball

I fucking hate aliens.

New England Patriots - NFL (70’s-1992)


Fact, if they actually had somebody who looked like one of the Village People playing Centre in the Superbowl they would have gone 19-0.

Montreal Expos - Baseball (RIP)

I once saw an explanation of this logo on a website. When a logo requires an explanation there’s something seriously wrong.

New England Steamrollers - Arena Football (1988)

It really looks as if he’s humping a car.

Peoria Rivermen - Baseball

Gay sea captains are a marketing dream

Parramatta Power - NSL

Why are they arm wrestling over a football?

Club Marconi - NSL


An italo-themed boomerang and a radi o transmission tower? Did Marconi invent the throwing stick as well?

Portland Storm - World Football League - 1974

What the fuck is that thing? No wonder they only lasted a year.

San Antonio Gunslingers - USFL - 1984

The pansiest looking gunslinger in history. More likely to shoot himself in the kneecap than to successfully hit you in the event of an actual duel.

St. John’s Fog Devils - Ice Hockey

See, I might be a sick person but he seems to be performing unspeakable acts. I don’t want to see that in my sports logos.

Atlanta Apollos - National American Soccer League

In English please?

Carolina Cougars - ABA (1971)


Note to all sports marketing executives - there’s a reason why only one team has ever had a sinister animal rubbing a ball as if he’s trying to read your fortune.

Canton Invaders - Indoor Soccer

HE HAS EMERGED FROM A GIANT SOCCER BALL TO KILL YOUR FAMILY

Tulsa Roughnecks - NASL

Everyone knows that giant Americans with wrenches in their hands are only ever seen near soccer if they’re chasing somebody down the street trying to hit them for playing it.

Boston Lobsters - Tennis

First things first when the hell does anyone have a league for tennis. Secondly I’ve been studying the serving action of the Lobster for hours (or minutes) and I still can’t work out what the hell is going on.

Arkansas Travellers - Baseball

Never include a marketing slogan in your logo.

The Rest

Chattanooga Lookouts - Baseball

Well it does what it says, but don’t you think it’s just a little bit sinister? Like it’s looking at you through your bathroom window or something.

Fukuoka Hawks - Japanese Baseball

Hey, the bird is flipping me off!

Memphis Southmen - USFL

I hate the logo but it’s got a sort of cool Godzilla destroys Tokyo vibe to it.

I’m unsure about this one. I’m not at all terrified by their crazy duck, but he does have a look of determination on his face which says “I’m going to peck your nuts off”.

University of Missouri - Kansas City

This is precisely the sort of “fuck you” fighting Kangaroo logo that North Melbourne should adopt (sans pissy skivvy if possible) rather than the ill-defined thing they’ve got at the moment which may as well be a chicken.

Kountdown Korner

Continuing our series of random musical countdowns*, I give you TSP’s top 25 favourite song openings ever (subject to review after I’ve remembered to put something in later).

1. Pixies - Tame (“Got hips like Cinderella”)

2. Modest Mouse - Float On (“I backed my car into a cop car the other day. Well he just drove off sometimes life’s ok”)

3. TISM - Life Kills (“Who cares about the lives we can save, when we give birth astride a grave”)

4. The Libertines - Time For Heroes (”Did you see the stylish kids in the riot”)

5. Parliament - Bop Gun (Endangered Species) (”En garde! Defend yourself!”)

6. TISM - Pus (“I’ve got troubles with my mother. I’ve got troubles with my wife. I got an apple fritter. Slit my stomach open”)

7. Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child (Slight Return) (“Well I stand up next to the mountain. And I chop it down with the edge of my hand”)

8. Alice In Chains - Grind (“In the darkest hole you’d be well advised not to plan my funeral ’til the body dies”)

9. The Clash - Guns Of Brixton (”When they kick out your front door, how you gonna come. With your hands on your head or on the trigger of your gun”)

10. The Teardrop Explodes - Reward (”Bless my cotton socks, I’m on the news”)

11. Oasis - Morning Glory (”All your dreams are made, when you’re chained to the mirror and the razor blade”)

12. The Libertines - Can’t Stand Me Now (”An ending fitting for the start, you twist and tore our love apart”)

13. The Stooges - Search And Destroy (“I’m a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm”)

14. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! (”She put nine hundred dollars, on the fifth horse in the sixth race”)

15. Public Image Limited - Disappointed (”Promises. Promises. Old tired worn out second hand sentences”)

16. The Smiths - Shakespeare’s Sister (”Young bones groan and the rocks below say throw your skinny body down son”)

17. Boys Next Door - Shivers (”I’ve been contemplating suicide, but it really doesn’t suit my style”)

18. The Cribs - Men’s Needs (“Have you noticed, I’ve never been impressed by your friends from New York or London”)

19. TISM - If You’re Creative Get Stuffed (”My dad’s a builder, his friend’s a plumber. They’re getting cancer and you can get stuffed”)

20. Marvin Gaye - Let’s Get It On (”I’ve been really trying baby. Trying to hold back these feelings for so long”)

21. The Auteurs - Light Aircraft On Fire (”When you cut your lover’s slack. You’ll get a monster back”)

22. Morrissey - The Last Of The Famous International Playboys (”Dear hero imprisoned. With all the new crimes that you are perfecting”)

23. Ash - Kung Fu (”Kung fu, do what you do to me. Haven’t been the same since my teenage lobotomy”)

24. Pulp - This Is Hardcore (”You were hardcore. You made me hard”)

25. New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle (”Every time I think of you, I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue”)

The rest of the contenders, in no particular order;

The Birthday Party - Release The Bats (”Rowwwwwwwr bite! Rowwwwwr bite!”)

The Smiths - Never Had Nobody Ever (”When you walk without ease. On these streets where you were raised”)

Blur - Parklife (”Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as…”)

Gary Numan - M.E (”M.E, I eat dust. We’re all so run down”)

Boy Kill Boy - Suzie (”This is not a movie. Things just ain’t the same as your favourite video”)

Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus (”Reach out, touch faith”)

James - Laid (”This bed is on fire with passionate love. The neighbours complain about the noises above”)

Spinal Tap - Sex Farm (”Working on a sex farm. Trying to raise some hard love. Getting out my pitch fork. Poking your hay”)

The Killers - Somebody Told Me (”Breaking my back just to know your name”)

TISM - Let’s Club It To Death (”Excuse me can I have this dance, there’s an ill wind blowing in my pants. My friends call me John but you can call me Breaker Morant”)

Weezer - Buddy Holly (”What’s with these homies dissing my girl?”)

New Order - Blue Monday (”How does it feel, to treat me like you do”)

Morrissey - Boxers (”Losing in front of your home crowd. You wish the ground would open up and take you down”)

Archie Bell and the Drells - Strategy (”Said it’s up to me, to come up with a strategy to make you mine”)

The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (”Take me out tonight. Where’s there’s music and there’s people and they’re young and alive”)

Menswear - I’ll Manage Somehow (”Catch the bus by half past three, otherwise you find you’re walking home. The forecast is for rain”)

Shudder To Think - Hot One (”Well you’re the grand one. Have you noticed, when you’re walking all the fairy boys are very nervous”)

Ok Go - Invincible (”When they finally come to destroy the earth they’ll have to go through you first, and I bet they wont be expecting that”)

Beasts Of Bourbon - Chase The Dragon (”I brought back a souvenir, all the way from Kampuchea”)

Robert Wyatt/Elvis Costello/Suede et al - Shipbuilding (”Is it worth it? A new winter coat and shoes for the wife”)

Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage (”Fire in the disco, fire in the Taco Bill”)

Squeeze - Up The Junction (”I never thought it would happen, with me and the girl from Clapham”)

Happy Mondays - Tart Tart (”When he came out of the lockup, he said I’m looking for something better”)

Kenickie - Come Out 2 Nite (”We dress cheap, we dress tacky. We dance for thrills, our nights out get nasty”)

Lou Reed - Vicious (”Vicious. You hit me with a flower. You do it every hour”)

Manic Street Preachers - A Design For Life (”Libraries gave us power”)

The Ramones - Commando (”They do their best, they do what they can. They get them ready for Vietnam”)

Sparks - This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Both Of Us (”Zoo time is she and you time. The mammals are your favourite type, and you want her tonight”)

Shampoo - Bouffant Headbutt (”You ain’t so sweet. You ain’t so innocent. Just a piece of meat”)

Oasis - Cigarettes and Alcohol (”Is it my imagination, or have I finally found something worth living for”)

Pulp - Sorted for E’s and Whizz (”Oh is the way they say the future’s supposed to feel. Or just 20,000 people standing in a field?”)

REM - It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) (”That’s great it starts with an earthquake. Birds and snakes and aeroplanes”)

Suede - The Drowners (”Won’t someone give me a gun”)

TISM - Martin Scorcese Is Really Quite A Jovial Fellow (”Howdy champ you’ve been pickin’ the daisies. Feeling sort of morally lazy”)

The Smiths - Handsome Devil (”Oh the streets are crammed with things eager to be held”)

The White Stripes - Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground (”Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground when I know you’re not around”)

The White Stripes - Hotel Yorba (”I was watching with one eye on the other side. I had fifteen people telling me to move, I had moving on my mind”)

The Smiths - I Know It’s Over (”Oh mother I can feel the soil falling over my head”)

The Smiths - London (”Smoke lingers round your fingers”)

TISM - Greg! The Stop Sign! (”The guy who slagged the football team, those yobs were not for him. He turns into a real estate agent who believes in discipline”)

The Rentals - Friends Of P (”I’m a good guy for a gal, so won’t you look my palm over”)

Burke and Wills Award winner for services to geographical confusion.
Alex Chilton - Bangkok (”Here’s a little thing that’s gonna please ‘ya. Just a little town in Indonesia. Bangkok”.)

William Shatner Award winners for spoken word intros
Happy Mondays - Brain Dead (”You’re rendering that scaffolding dangerous!”)
Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Two Tribes (”When you hear the air attack warning you and your family must take cover”)
Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues (”Hello, I’m Johnny Cash”)
Mike Mareen - Agent Of Liberty (*phone rings* “Hello, Agent of Liberty. Can I help you? *FURIOUS ITALO DISCO FOR 9 MINUTES*)
Milli Vanilli - Baby Don’t Forget My Number (”Ok Eddie, this one’s for you”)
Morrissey - First Of The Gang To Die (”Los Angeles! You are too hot”)
Morrissey - Sorrow Will Come In The End (”Legalised theft, leaves me bereft”)
Pixies - I’m Amazed (”… all I know is that there were rumors he was into field hockey players”)
Sash - Stay (”I had a dream last night. You were there”)
Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings (”The world is a vampire”)
Snoop Dogg - Ain’t No Fun If The Homies Can’t Get Some (”You’re back at the Jack Off Hour. This is DJ Easy Dick”)
The Sex Pistols - Holidays In The Sun (”Cheap holiday in other people’s misery!”)

In this era of global warming and environmental consciousness, where even people watering their gardens with ‘grey’ water get bricks thrown at them by concerned citizens, is nobody concerned about Christmas lights? The amount of energy being spewed out to power the thousands of suburban displays must be obscene. 

And for what? At least if you're going to help stick the final knife in planet earth you may as well be doing something of importance. Like writing this post perhaps. It will contribute more to society than some riggy display featuring Santa’s considerable sack. For all the brown coal required to power this post you can come back and read it in six months, or god forbid write back and tell me to stick the entire concept. 

Take note, this is probably the first and last environmentally friendly post you’re ever likely to see on TSP. 

 P.S - Christmas? Bah.

Glittering Prize - TSP's Top 100 of 2007

Welcome to the most glittering prize in world music - the TSP David Lee Roth Award for Song of the Year, featuring the largest countdown yet.

As ever, the rules.

* Only two songs per artist. Sorry New Young Pony Club, Fantastic Playroom may be the album of the year but that doesn’t mean squat in this countdown.
* Re-releases are acceptable as long as they were released again on album or single this year and I’d never heard them before. Complete ignorance of the Klaxons output from last year sees them score a guernsey here.
* No covers. Although you could do worse than checking out Staring At The Rude Bois by Gallows and Lethal Bizzle.

For those of you who have come in late, the top 5’s from recent years are as follows;

2005

1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot
2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure
3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La
4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
5. Bloc Party - Helicopter

2006

1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill
2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It
3. Silvia Night - Congratulations
4. Lily Allen - LDN
5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

And, err, that’s it. On with this year’s spectacular - top 30’s are tremendously boring, so this year the countdown has been extended to the full 100. This means that the ‘essential’ tracks stop around number ??, but the rest are definately worth a listen anyway.

100. Lost Penguin - Pleasurewood Kills

99. Bondo De Role - Office Boy

98. The Cold War Kids - Hospital Bed

97. Kinski - Passwords and Alcohol

96. Those Dancing Days - Those Dancing Days

95. Glasvegas - Daddy’s Gone
Yes they are singing in English. Cue the thickest accents since Trainspotting. Sadly you don’t get subtitles on a song.

94. Passions - Emergency

93. Remi Nicole - Lights Out

92. Bloc Party - Flux
Where Kele and friends listen to too many Klaxons records and decide to go ‘new rave’

91. The Courteneers - Acrylic

90. Black Francis - Captain Pasty

89. Cut Off Your Hands - Still Fond
Still below Dave Dobbyn and Herbs in the all-time top 100 New Zealand artists of all time.

88. Kate Nash - Foundations
All the available evidence says I should hate this, but I sort of like it. Fool me.

87. The White Stripes - You Don’t Know What Love Is (You Just Do As You’re Told)

86. Good Books - Passchendaele
World War I meets pop music. At last?

85. The Heavy - Colleen
Sleazy 60’s blaxploitation music. Back at last.

84. Dizzee Rascal - Pussyole (Oldskool)

83. The Sounds - Tony the Beat

82. The Hives - Tick Tick Boom

81. Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong - Lonely Buoy
The skinniest man in music, fronting the worst named group in the world. Still ready to be a massive star by this time next year.

80. Vampire Weekend - Mansard Roof

79. Santogold - L.E.S Artistes
Touted as a massive ’summer’ hit. You heard it here first. Though I heard it from somebody else so if you never hear about it again it’s not my fault.

78. Beck - Timebomb

77. Black Kids - I Wanna Be Your Limousine

76. Future Of The Left - Plague Of Onces

75. The Satin Peaches - Well, Well, Well, Well

74. Koldun - Work Your Magic
Belarus’ contribution to Eurovision 2007. Quality cheese pop.

73. Hadouken! - Superstar

72. Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip - Thou Shalt Always Kill
Massive novelty track that was funny the first time you heard it, and irritating the second.

71. Candie Payne - I Wish I Could Have Loved You More

70. Kaiser Chiefs - Ruby
Catchy for five minutes, annoying after five listens.

69. Malajube - Montreal -40c
It’s in French, but don’t let that turn you off.

68. The Pigeon Detectives - Romantic Type
Twattish ‘lad rock’ band in decent song shock horror.

67. Les Savy Fav - Raging In The Plague Age

66. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Down Boy
Who am I to ignore orders from Karen O? And how much does the guitarist look like the guy who shot everyone in that mall the other day?

65. The Killers - Tranquilize
B. Flowers, special guest Lou Reed and whoever else is in that band in “Filler track tacked on to ill-advised ‘Best Of’ CD is actually quite good” shock horror. The children’s choir at the end may as well have been chanting “WE WANT TO BE U2!” for all the stadium rock ambition that this track screams out.

64. Everytime I Die - We’re Wolf
Shouty.

63. Anonymous - Salvem Mon
The Andorran entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. No wait, come back. It’s actually the sort of quite decent, bouncy, pop punk that people would whack off over if it had been done by Avril Lavigne and produced by somebody famous. Criminally not voted through to the ‘Balkan Heavy’ competition final.

62. Babyshambles - Carry On Up The Morning
Pete Doherty Esq. Is he on heroin or not? One way or the other it’s becoming fairly obvious that Babyshambles are disconcertingly similar to The Libertines in that they have a handful of good songs amongst a massive sea of slop. The only difference is that the ‘good’ Libertines songs were absolute certified gold corkers, while the ’shambles variety are merely ’serviceable’.

61. 1990’s - Cult Status
One of the few songs ever to suggest that they are shagging the listeners wife.

60. The Wombats - Let’s Dance To Joy Division

59. The Courteneers - Cavorting
For the record “cavorting” is one of the greatest words ever invented.

58. We Start Fires - Hot Metal

57. Jakobinarina - His Lyrics Are Disasterous
Icelandic. This is the most multicultural countdown ever.

56. Grafton Primary - Relativity
An Australian song. That’s the most ludicrous thing yet. Usually I don’t hear anything local that I like until I dissect the Triple J Hottest 100 countdown when they replay the videos on Rage. This is a potentially great song ruined by one line in the chorus that is so unbelievably bad that it almost derails the whole thing.

55. My Chemical Romance - I Don’t Love You
Yes, it’s an emo power ballad. Fuck you.

54. Does It Offend You Yeah - Let’s Make Out

53. Pharoahe Monch - Desire

52. Calvin Harris - The Girls
The chorus is great, the verses are moderately tripe. But the great definately outweighs the slop.

51. The Wombats - Moving To New York

50. The Gossip - Jealous Girls

49. Jamie T - Sheila

48. The View - Same Jeans
aka: The only half decent song on the “video jukebox” thing that I had on my flight to Thailand. Queue watching it ten times in eight hours.

47. Charlotte Gainsbourg - The Songs We Sing
Notable for the bit where she scares a small child.

46. Rufus Wainwright - Rules and Regulations

45. My Chemical Romance - Mama

44. CSS - Alala

43. Reverend And The Makers - Heavyweight Champion Of the World
Enjoyment of song ruined firstly by the revelation that the Rev is a complete wank, and secondly by every other song on the accompanying album being worthy of gouging your eyes out to.

42. Swizz Beatz - It’s Me Bitches
Don’t be decieved, not Swiss. ‘Clean’ version changes the title to ‘Snitches’. Pissweak.

41. The Pigeon Detectives - I Found Out

40. Kubichek - Stutter

39. Enter Shikari - Ok, Time For Plan B

38. Maximo Park - Our Velocity
Former #2 place getters in this list. Desperately unlikely to ever make anything as good as Apply Some Pressure again.

37. The Fratellis - Flathead

36. The White Stripes - Icky Thump

35. The Lovemakers - Whine & Dine
I’m not entirely convinced this isn’t either a cover or based on something else, because it seems absurdly familar to something from the mid 1990’s.

34. The Hold Steady - Stuck Between Stations

33. Guts - And The Living Is Easy (Dynamics Remix)
One of the rare times when a remix is better than the original.

32. Just Jack - Starz In Their Eyes
Potential top ten smackdown of TV talent shows, ruined by a farcical spoken word rap part at the end. Jennifer Lopez excelled at those and look where she is now. OUT.

31. Peeping Tom - Mojo

30. Black Francis - Angels Come To Comfort You
The man formerly known as Frank Black and “that bloke from the Pixies” returns with a concept album about a Dutch painter. That should equal disaster. This was pretty sweet though.

29. Dizzee Rascal - Sirens

28. Smashing Pumpkins - Doomsday Clock
I don’t recall anyone inviting the Pumpkins to come back, but this was a cracker. Better than anything they’d done since Bullet With Butterfly Wings.

27. Kanye West - Champion

26. Klaxons - Golden Skans
So I didn’t hear it last year… And it did get re-released so it’s in.

25. Republic Of Loose - All Mine
Filthy and Irish.

24. Calvin Harris - Acceptable In the 80’s
Fun TSP fact: I love 80’s house music. Therefore I loved this.

23 - The Young Knives - Terra Firma
The first single from the new album for last year’s #1 act. Probably the most underrated band in the world. Tour here you bastages.

22 - Happy Mondays - Jellybean

21 - Little Man Tate - Down On Marie
In which ecstasy fuelled 3-ways are given their long awaited chart airing.

20 - Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong - Lucio Starts Fires

If I was this thin I’d be famous too.

19 - MIA - Jimmy

Sri Lankan singer with Tamil Tiger connections goes Bollywood with spectacular results.

18 - Good Shoes - Morden

Despite the rather unflattering portrait of South London I still want to live there.

17 - Brother Ali - Watcha Got

White rap? GET OUT. No actually come back, it’s quite good.

16 - Arctic Monkeys - Brianstorm

15 - New Young Pony Club - Get Lucky

Finally released as a single when they realised that they couldn’t get away with putting ‘Ice Cream’ out for the 200th time this track would be all over commerical radio if the programmers listened to music rather than scouring focus groups and results and snorting cocaine off prostitutes.

14 - Klaxons - Gravity’s Rainbow

Two of them are currently on with members of bands that appear above them in the countdown. Girl power? Who knows.

13 - The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control

Shouty pop. You can’t argue against it.

12 - CSS - Music Is My Hot, Hot Sex

Sounds like it was made in somebody’s basement, yet is still epic. Apparently the bit in Portuguese at the end is quite filthy so feel free to translate if you’re fluent in that kind of stuff. Bonus points for having a singer called Lovefoxxx who is simulatenously weird looking and cute.

11 - Gallows - In The Belly Of A Shark

The long awaited arrival of shouty 21st century punk. You’ve got to respect a band that could dissolve at any moment so that the lead singer can go back to being a tattoo artist.

10 - Art Brut - Direct Hit

Novelty band, half-novelty song featuring a singer named after a supermarket. But, then again what’s wrong with being named after supermarkets?

9 - The Decemberists - O Valencia

Romeo and Juliet updated for the kids again - this time in song form. One of the videos of the year (ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the ‘Piano Wire Girls of Burnside’) and a fine song as well.

8 - The Twang - Either Way

The world’s biggest Oasis fans make the ballad that the Gallagher brothers never really married. Wonderwall? Fuck that for a joke, this is so superior that it’s almost depressing how many millions of dollars less that The Twang will make. Oasis still ahead overall, but it’s 1-0 Twang when it comes to love songs.

7 - Gallows - Abandon Ship

The shoutiest song ever to be top ten in one of these countdowns. Makes me want to jump around like a mad bastard.

6 - The Cribs - Men’s Needs

Ignore the video with the half naked woman prancing about (they’re being ‘ironic’, or something, kids), the awful haircuts spawned by the entire band or the fact that the singer is bonking Kate Nash and concentrate on the song instead. Lovely stuff. Rest of the album subject to the law of diminishing returns.

5 - Jack Penate - Spit At Stars

Everything else he’s done is total bollocks, but this is class. Bouncy, poppy and as catchy as fark. But is he gobbing at planets or celebrities? We may never know.

4 - Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent

Second album moderately inferior to first, but still high on corker value. Teetering on the brink of being the band of the 00’s. And they’re all about 13-years-old. Doesn’t that make you feel old? Over the side of the Westgate Bridge we all go.

3 - The Teenagers - Homecoming

Simultaneously filthy and sweet offerings from the same French hornbags who bought you a song about stalking Scarlett Johannsen. Features one of the great choruses of modern music but is about as likely to get played on radio anywhere as the spoken word version of Hitler’s Mein Kampf read by Ben Cousins. Liven up your family Christmas by whacking this on the turntable and seeing if Grandma can decipher it.

2 - New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream

The standout track from the album of the year and, for good measure, the music from the Intel ad. What more could you ask for? How about a song so catchy that it even makes me want to dance.

1 - The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!

The first song I loved this year, and a constant fixture in the playlist throughout. Features one of the greatest organ solos you’re ever likely to hear. An instant TSP classic.

Great Moments in Advertising

I hope she got suitably compensated…



Because from now on everyone she knows is looking at her and seeing the Big G.

Having said that, I reckon that Tia and Gonorrhoea would be a great name for a singing duo. They could be the Mel and Kim or Captain and Tenille of the 21st century.

Devon '07

KR = the new PM and a brand of processed meats. Suspicious? But will he turn out to be regarded as nothing more than a,



Meanwhile I was one of 698 people to vote for one of the candidates in my seat,

Am I…

a) A Family First supporter?
b) A Democrats voter?
c) Supporting quality local independants?
d) A dumb cunt?

We report, you decide.

Police = Down With The Kids

The story is fairly standard - teenager drinks self into a coma. Happens every week, don’t know why it’s newsworthy all of a sudden.

However, check out the quality commentary by the officer in charge of the case;

There was little police could do when people were drinking in a private home, Sgt Clarke said.

But he urged school leavers to have a responsible adult with them when they partied.

“These young people, in a lot of cases, have got little or no experience with alcohol and they’re going out and absolutely cutting sick with no idea of what they’re doing,” he said.

ZOMG! Fully sick! Good to see the police finally getting with the youth of today. Not that it always works though…

Let’s face it, teenage drinking hasn’t been on the agenda since that kid couldn’t walk across the log in the ad during the 80’s. And if you listen the people who get hysterical about ‘recreational’ drugs they’ll probably tell you that it’s better that she necked half a bottle of Smirnoff then it would have been to honk onto one E. So kids, drink it up.

AFL National Draft - the only analysis you need

Cheers to the AFL for taking five minutes out from trying to shaft North Melbourne and uploading the full list of this year’s draft nominees to their website. 

Over the National, Pre-Season and Rookie drafts there will be about 150 players selected, but the good news is that over 1000 have nominated. I knew I should have thrown my name into the ring. Who cares about Phantom Drafts and who Melbourne will select at number four (actually, now that you say it…)? 

The only categories we need to worry about this year are, 

1. The Troy Wilson Memorial Award - for players who are still trying to crack it for an AFL career despite advancing years. 

9153 - Ben Power - Northern Knights (23/02/1979)
9886 - Simon Duckworth - West Perth (26/06/1978) 

10304 - Dean Buszan - Peel Thunder (16/12/1980)
100618 - Ashley Eames - Casey Scorpions (1/2/1979)
110738 - Allan Burridge - Braybrook (28/11/1977)
110761 - Nathan Sellwood - Sunbury (22/07/1977) 

2. Why are you here? - Former players who are highly unlikely to crack it for another spot on a senior list.
10156 - Caydn Beetham - Old Xaverians (37 games between 2000-2002 with St. Kilda)
10120 - Damien Cupido - Essendon (53 games. 2001-2001 and 2003-2005)
9567 - Jordan Doering - Bendigo (18 games for Carlton, 2001-02)
110873 - Andre Gianfagna - Northern Knights (As seen in one NAB Cup game for Melbourne)
6843 - Ben Hart - Adelaide
10455 - Cameron Hunter - Melbourne (2 games, 1 kick in 2003)
7178 - Clark Keating - Brisbane Lions
9404 - Andrew Kellaway - Richmond
10179 - Cory McGrath - Carlton (78 games for Essendon/Carlton. 2001-06)
10432 - Bo Nixon - Hawthorn (3 games for Collingwood, 1 for Hawthorn. 2003-04)
9316 - Lance Picioane - North Melbourne (77 games for Adelaide, Hawthorn and North. 1998 and 2000-05)
9929 - Ezra Poyas - Richmond (9 games. 2000-02, a year on the Melbourne rookie list and hot VFA action ever since)
10393 - Will Slade - Geelong (17 games. 2002-03 and 2006)
10457 - Nick Smith - Melbourne (4 games. 0 hope)
100709 - Llane Spaanderman - West Coast (3 games for Brisbane, for the Eagles. Please draft him so I can finally reuse my “Enter Spaanderman” headline)
10281 - Keren Ugle - South Fremantle (4 games for Fremantle in 2001)
9672 - Peter Walsh - Port Adelaide (Surely he retired..)
9511 - Shane Woewodin - Collingwood (?) 

3. The Jaxon Crabb Trophy - for players with ludicrous names
111036 - Deon Alec - West Perth
112342 - Jaxson Barham - Barwon Heads (surely the winner?)
111202 - Thomas Bellchambers - Launceston
111035 - Byron Bonner - Mazenod Old Collegians
111041 - Maslan Braun - Southern Districts
111636 - Caolan Buckley - West Adelaide
112118 - Billy Burstin - Oakleigh Chargers
111064 - Jethro Calma-Holt - Waratah (See also Category 4)
111750 - Flinn Chisholm - Geelong Falcons
21037 - Christopher Christopher - Hurstbridge
112315 - Tasman Clingan - Richmond
112522 - Eljay Connors - Bendigo Pioneers
112004 - Myke Cook - Sandringham Dragons
110382 - Benet Copping - Fremantle
110872 - Bronik Davies - Northern Knights
112347 - Keegan Fortescue - Peel Thunder
112929 - Cruze Garlett - Perth
111042 - Tracin Geary - Swan Districts
111742 - Rennie Gilchrist - Sandringham Dragons
110902 - Grae Grant - Perth
110726 - Ashton Hams - South Fremantle
114138 - Kyal Horsley - Subiaco
110601 - Markham Johnson - Tasmania
112507 - Haelen Kay - Gippsland Power
111951 - Jak Kennedy-Hunt - Geelong Falcons
110404 - Ruory Kirkby - Glenelg
111815 - Layton McMahon - Woodville West Torrens
110545 - Preston O’Keefe - Claremont
112385 - Judd Robson - West Adelaide
113939 - Zephaniah Skinner - Claremont
111718 - Orren Stephenson - North Ballarat
111583 - Kobi Wilson - Bendigo Pioneers
111674 - Tauryan Zimmer - Southport 

4. Diamond Valley Under 9’s Award - for players nominated from footballing non-powerhouses
111857 - James Blaser - Moe
110800 - Ryan Castles - Wesley College First XVIII
110426 - Matthew Clarke - Labrador
114139 - Bradley Craig - Lower Plenty
110470 - Brett Dore - Nar Nar Goon
11517 - Russell Gabriel - Cora Lynn
114091 - John Gray - Boisdale
114143 - Daniel Haralambopoulous - South Morang
110848 - Andrew Johnstone - Ganmain Grong Grong Matong (WHAT? We have a winner!)
110823 - William Lang - Broadmeadows
112265 - James McArthur - Newton Chillwell
20792 - Saad Saad - Seymour
114099 - Dwayne Sampie - Keilor Park
11402 - Aaron Torcasio - Beaumaris Amateur
111682 - Hamish Townsend - Lake Cargelligo
110986 - Nathan Twomey - Balmain
114106 - Kristopher Wozniak - Newcastle City 

5. The MIA Award
Where’s Philthy Phil you crunts?

Thank God We Stitched Up The Wogs (Part 20)

Hasn’t Australian soccer come such a long way since the supposed ‘bad old days’, where people would punch on and make dickheads of themselves. Wait, what’s this - it’s just as bad now as ever? Don’t tell the A-League marketing department or they’ll have a nervous breakdown.

POLICE have used capsicum spray to control wild fans at a soccer A-League clash between Sydney FC and Melbourne Victory at the Telstra Dome.

Eight fans were evicted from the venue last night while one person will be charged with possessing a flare, Senior Constable Wayne Wilson said.

Several people suffered lacerations from the unruly behaviour, he said.

About 32,000 fans packed the Telstra Dome last night to watch Sydney and the Victory battle their way to a nil-all draw.

Sen Const Wilson said police were forced to use capsicum spray to separate rowdy Sydney and Melbourne fans inside the ground after the game.

He said a plan was in place before the game to separate the two groups of supporters on opposite sides of the venue.

After the game, Sydney fans were moved to a function room to allow the Melbourne supporters to leave the ground.

Some of the Melbourne fans made their way onto the ground and set fire to rubbish, while Sydney supporters in the function room threw chairs around, Sen Const Wilson said.

Police were disappointed with the behaviour of the crowd, he said.

The plan to separate the two sides stopped the incidents from escalating, but it “shouldn’t have got to the stage it did,” Sen Const Wilson said.

“We will be having discussions with the league, venue operator and any other stakeholders to curtail this behaviour in future,” he said.

Earlier in the evening, police cordoned off a Bourke Street venue in the CBD where Melbourne Victory fans were gathered, to stop Sydney fans entering.

The only difference between this, and a kwality klash between Heidelberg and Brunswick Juventus in 1987 is that it’s being played at nicer venues. It’s amazing what people get away with when they have yuppie fans and play at a yuppie stadium.

UPDATE - Of course seriously put on outrage (I mean really, who gives a rats?) is one thing but you can always rely on the Herald Sun comments section for somebody who is deadly serious to make a complete cock out of themselves. Step forward I. Roberts of Kew,

This is further proof that multiculturalism is a failed policy. Ethnic hatreds are still evident in these so-called ethnically-neutral clubs. Everybody knows that Sydney is backed by the Yugoslavian people and that Melbourne is a Greek/Italian/Maltese club. Rival fans organise brawls to settle ancient scores putting the safety of Australian families at risk. Ban this unpopular “sport” before inncocent people are seriously hurt. I wouldn’t be surprised if the terraces are breeding grounds for Muslim extremists given Sydney’s large Arab fan base.

People like this actually vote. Consider that. On November 24th there will be Ian Roberts’ across the nation casting their ballots. Scared? You should be.

Shame #3: Taffy - I Love My Radio

(Originally posted at ShameFM)

Italo Disco is the ultimate in shameful genres. At least your generic Bee-Gee type disco sold records. It may have been shit but it kept hundreds of producers and record company executives knee deep in cocaine for the entire late 70's. Of course Italo had no actual connection to the genre it shares a name with, especially as it came a good four or five years later towards the mid 80's. The only thing the two share is what the kids call "Hi-NRG" sounds and a predilection for being completely shit.

However delve deeper into the wide world of Italo and you'll find some of the catchiest dance music of the 80's. In fact the genre as a whole rips traditional disco a new a-hole. Tonight we present one of the finest, and most underrated, tracks of it's era. This is Taffy and I Love My Radio



Presumably you will think two things upon viewing this clip.

a) Phwoar Taffy goes alright (may only occur if you're male and can ignore the fact that she's wearing the same hat that Krispy Kreme give out to impressionable children to wear)
b) What in god's name has any of the clip got to do with radio? If she didn't actually appear in it herself you'd swear that they'd just lined up stock footage of a day at the drag races. Couldn't they have at least taken her to some rinky dink community station or something? At least she could have driven a 80's model Triple M Black Thunder around the track. Except that she was British and therefore would have no comprehension of the power and majesty of the Black Thunders.

To be fair she does briefly appear in a studio, but then for some reason ends up back inside what appears to be an Ice Cream Van driving around the circuit. But don't let the clip related shenanigans detract from what is an otherwise fine song. Note for the instance the line "now the radio is my mind's new video" which, despite really meaning nothing, cleverly subverts the message in Video Killed The Radio Star. After Buggles declared radio dead Taffy came to us not to bury radio but to praise it. Incidentally this song was a hit in France first, and when it crossed over to Britain they had to edit it so it didn't mention "midnight" radio because barely any stations actually broadcast after midnight.

Let's face it you're never going hear Taffy rocking it in a club no matter how of a retro angle they're trying to get over, but it's certainly catchy. The single edit in the above video chugs along for four minutes and never outstays it's welcome, while the "extended" mix runs for about nine. We recommend that if after watching Taffy do her Penelope Pitstop impersonation you seek out more Italo classics. See for instance Eddy Huntington and Mike "Agent Of Liberty" Mareen. Yes, it's shame music and you won't tell anyone you listened to it but you'll be rewarded if you do.

Shame Rating: - Quite shameful.

Missing The Point

The great “ZOMG! WATCH OUT FOR TEH EMOS” campaign continues - with variable results.

However, older members of emo - short for “emotional” - who spoke anonymously to The Sun-Herald said 12- and 13-year-olds were drinking heavily or using marijuana and ecstasy.

Members? Do I get voting rights at the annual Emo board elections if I join up? And do The Emo have more members than North Melbourne?

Reasons to hate Craig McLachlan

1. Craig McLachlan and Check 1-2 - Mona
2. The way he totally dominated Check 1-2 and never let them shine
3. The classic stand-up routine on the Sydney Footy Show where he talked about shagging dogs and almost got booed out of the building.
4. This pose

Granted that nobody is going to come out of an awkwardly staged shot like this with any dignity, much less when they’re standing behind a woman in a floral shirt that your grandmother wouldn’t have been seen dead in even in the 80’s but Craig is such an accomplished fuckup that he manages to make himself look like even more of a dick. Harold and Madge have got it right, and the other bird (Kylie?!?) is coming out of it respectably but he’s just got no idea. Complete bollocks.

Yet he’s famous and we’re not. Enough said.

Annoy TSP Week Continues

Actually this sign has been shitting me for years. Corner of Punt Road and Bridge Road, Richmond.



As you can see from the picture they’ve repainted their sign several times already but somehow have neglected to change the fact that their address is spelt wrong. Those of you outside of Melbourne (and there must be one or two) will be excited to know that it should read “Gertrude Street”, not “Getrude” - unless they’re trying to make some sort of obscure political statement - which I seriously doubt because they’re a paint shop with a logo flogged from Breakfast At Tiffany’s and not a serious organisation. Either that or they’re owned by Rodney Rude.

Should I ring them up and inform them of this? Do you think anyone has ever pointed this out before? It still doesn’t top the place on Smith Street, Collingwood which patriotically exclaims that it sells “Australien” flags.

P.S - Surely there’s a spelling error in this post somewhere that will allow you to make an “OMG HOW CAN U BAG THEM WHEN U CAN’T SPELL ZOMG LOL ROFL BBQ!” comment. But the moment you do I’ll correct the error and delete your comment so nobody knows - that’s what democracy is all about.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse

0-4 (0-5 in all but name) and Even Rebel Sport don't know we exist anymore.



Somebody hold me.

(and NO I was not actually trying to buy a "Rib Knit Surf Beanie" when I found that. In fact I wasn't buying anything - support you club and buy direct from them you dogs!)

P.S - Garland and Petterd to debut? Why the fark not. Can't see why they dropped Bizzell and Ward though.

What’s wrong with Australia - Part #72

a) People who make, buy and wear garish commemorative t-shirts for their holidays.
b) People who wear said t-shirts to events intended to mark death on a massive scale - i.e the Gallipoli dawn service.
c) The fucking “Fanatics” full stop.

Tip rats one and all.

Picture from the Herald Sun who, being the chief bogan rag, you would assume endorse these jackoffs.