TSP's Top 300 of the 2000's - Part Three

200 - Franz Ferdinand - The Fallen
199 - The White Stripes - 300mph Torrential Outpour Blues
198 - Drive-By Truckers - Women Without Whiskey
197 - Deadmau5 featuring McFlipside - Hi Friend (Vocal Mix)

196 - Kill City - Hooligans On E
Libertines cover, but I'm letting it in.

195 - Chris Cornell - You Know My Name
Shock "Bond theme song is good" result. Didn't last.

194 - The Young Knives - Loughborough Suicide
193 - Arctic Monkeys - Fake Tales of San Francisco
192 - Heloise and the Savoir Faire - Canadian Changs
191 - MGMT - Time To Pretend
190 - Saliva - Click Click Boom
I'm almost ashamed. But not quite.

189 - Pink - U & Ur Hand
I REGRET NOTHING.

188 - Goldfrapp - Strict Machine

187 - Lady Gaga - Just Dance
I would like to touch her

186 - My Chemical Romance - Mama

185 - Kunt and the Gang - Fucksticks
NOT SAFE FOR ANYWHERE

184 - Ying Yang Twins – Wait (The Whisper Song)
Even less safe, but at least they're keeping it down.

183 - Alcazar - Crying at the Discotheque
Regretfully, in a full and frank look at the decade I have to admit that I thought this was a corker.

182 - The White Stripes - The Hardest Button To Button
181 - Dogs Die In Hot Cars - Godhopping

180 - Mason featuring Princess Superstar - Perfect (Exceeder)
What happens when a mash-up exceeds the quality of either song on its own.

179 - The Strokes - Take It Or Leave It
178 - The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
177 - At The Drive-In - One Armed Scissor

176 - Bob Sinclar - Rock This Party
Marquee. 3am. Smashed. Happy memories.

175 - Smashing Pumpkins - Doomsday Clock
174 - Rex The Dog - I Look Into Mid Air
173 - Arctic Monkeys - Riot Van

172 - Robbie Williams - Supreme
How I heart the goofy 70's F1 video.

171 - Little Man Tate - Down On Marie
Gig video features "crap singing at beginning" that the uploaded apologises for. Which is nice.

170 - LT United - We Are The Winners
Lithuania's 2006 Eurovision STORMER.

169 - Mylo - Destroy Rock n' Roll
I like how the guy names Patty Smyth and Scandal as if "The Warrior" was some sort of plot to take over the world.

168 - The Go-Betweens - Darlinghurst Nights
167 - Har Mar Superstar - DUI
166 - Mclusky - To Hell With Good Intentions
165 - Pulp - Bad Cover Version
164 - Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent

163 - Belle and Sebastian - Piazza, New York Catcher
No real video, so take your choice of sad losers (even worse than myself) doing pox covers in their bedrooms before they cry themselves to sleep.

162 - Art Brut - Direct Hit

161 - Alf Poier - Weil Der Mensch Zahlt
Undoubtedly the greatest and most wildcard live performance ever recorded.

160 - TISM - If You're Not Famous At Fourteen, You're Finished
159 - Dizzee Rascal - Sirens

158 - Chris Korda - I Like To Watch
Video so unbelievably not safe for work that I direct you to their website and if you choose to download it.. Then you'll be on the same FBI hitlist as the rest of us.

157 - Gallows - In The Belly Of A Shark
156 - Yo La Tengo – Season of the Shark
Inadvertant shark double play!

155 - Le Tigre - TKO
154 - Fierce Girl - What Makes A Girl Fierce

153 - PQM - You Are Sleeping
Or "what not to do with a prostitute"

152 - Be Your Own Pet - Adventure

151 - The Hallows - Why?
Why the hell not?

Back tomorrow (!?) with 150-101. Are you excited yet? Didn't think so.

TSP's Top 300 of the 2000's - Part Two

250 - Luke Haines - Off My Rocker At The Art School Bop
249 - LCD Soundsystem - Losing My Edge
248 - Pulp – Wickerman
247 - Ladytron - Seventeen
246 - Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass
245 - The Sounds - Tony the Beat

244 - The Baseball Project - Broken Man
Featuring him out of REM. Not, not him. The other one.

243 – Elbow – The Fix
The only song about race fixing? Until somebody writes an ode to Hayden Haitana and his paintbrush anyway.

242 - The Long Blondes - Lust In The Movies
241 - NASA featuring Karen O, ODB and Fatlip - Strange Enough
240 - Belle and Sebastian - Step Into My Office Baby
239 - REM - Supernatural Superserious
238 - Morrissey - How Can Anybody Possibly Know How I Feel?
237 - British Sea Power - No Lucifer

236 - TISM - Message From A Big Day Out Port-A-Loo
The last hurrah of Australia's greatest act.

235 - The Strokes - Between Love & Hate
234 - Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch

233 - Lily Allen - It's Not Fair
Extra points for subtle inclusion of profanities that are often missed when played at public events.

232 - The View - Same Jeans
231 - LMFAO - Yes
230 - Calvin Harris - Acceptable In The 80's

229 - Texas Lightning - No No Never
Australian sings country for Germany at Eurovision. Gets few votes.

228 - Flight of the Conchords - Inner City Pressure
The rarest beast. An amusing comedy song.

227 - Jamie T – Sheila
226 - The White Stripes - You're Pretty Good Looking (For A Girl)
225 - Franz Ferdinand - Do You Want To
224 - The Decemberists - This Sporting Life
223 - Just Jack - Glory Days

222 - Coldplay - Yellow
From this, a great single, to the most BORING but popular band in the world. Ack. Don't look too hard for any of their other tracks in the next 221.

221 - The Dandy Warhols - We Used To Be Friends
Untainted by being used as the theme for My Restaurant Rules.

220 - Thicke - When I Get You Alone
Somewhat tainted by being the son of Alan Thicke.

219 - Lily Allen - The Fear
218 - New Young Pony Club - Hiding On The Staircase
217 - Grafton Primary - Relativity
216 - Peaches - Tombstone Baby
215 - AFI - Miss Murder

214 - Morrissey - I Will See You In Far Off Places
The opening track on Ringleader Of The Tormentors. Gave hope that it would be just as good, if not better, than You Are The Quarry. Hope founded about three seconds after this finished.

213 - REM - All The Way To Reno (You're Gonna Be a Star)
212 - Tom Vek - C-C (You Set The Fire In Me)
211 - Goldie Lookin' Chain - Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do
210 - Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme
209 - Neon Neon – Belfast
208 - The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control
207 - Tomcraft – Overdose
206 - The Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster - Psychosis Safari
205 - Republic Of Loose - All Mine
204 - Blu Cantrell - Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops)

203 - Duk Koo Kim - Salvador Sanchez
No video. Boo.

202 - Low Fidelity All-Stars - The Good Times
Also no video. Boo again. Imagine I Want You Back for the 21st century.

201 - The Streets - Fit But You Know It

TSP's Top 300 of the 2000's - Part One

A list ten years in the making. From a shortlist of over 600 songs we've halved it to an even three hundred. And if you think some of this is dubious then imagine what got left out?

THE RULES
* No limit on tracks per artist
* No covers (Cover of the decade = It's My Life by No Doubt) UNLESS the cover is more famous than the original and both came from this decade.
* No straight remixes. Samples ok.
* Please no coming to my house and attempting to knife me at least until you've seen #1.

300 - 50 Cent - In Da Club
Thumping track with lyrics that seem incredibly naff nearly seven years on post 50's brief rise and shithouse acting career but still a memorable track. Maybe better enjoyed as an instrumental...

299 - Ben Folds - The Bitch Went Nuts

298 - Lordi - Hard Rock Hallelujah
Cod Finnish 'metal' and Eurovision winner. Just crazy enough to work. Prepare yourself for a cavalcade of other Eurovision entries in the next 297 tracks..

297 - Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong - Lucio Starts Fires
296 - Black Box Recorder - The Art of Driving
295 - Pop Levi - Sugar Assault Me Now

294 - Eminem - Lose Yourself
Like its generation's Khe Sanh, a song that probably should rank higher but for being beloved by dickheads.

293 - Elbow - One Day Like This
Clearly made to be sung in a field at 3am in the morning. Would rank hundreds of places higher if I was into that kind of stuff.

292 - Kasbian – Underdog
291 - Chicks On Speed - We Don't Play Guitars
290 - La Roux - In For The Kill

289 - Limp Bizkit - Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)
Well screw you, Fred Durst may very well have been the douche of the decade but this still packed a punch. And we're not done with the Bizkit yet..

288 - Kasabian - Shoot The Runner
287 - Klaxons - Golden Skans
286 - The White Stripes - My Doorbell

285 - Daz Sampson - Teenage Life
Just ignore the slightly dodgy video. White man rap that came off surprisingly well on record, but less so in Eurovision 2006 where he scored bugger all.

284 - The Streets - When You Wasn't Famous

283 - Kaiser Chiefs - Never Miss A Beat
Moderately tainted by being flogged to death on the ads for Channel 10's footy coverage all fking year.

282 - U2 - Vertigo
281 - Beyonce and Jay Z - Crazy In Love
280 - The White Stripes - Icky Thump
279 - Ben Folds - Rockin' The Suburbs
278 - The Killers - When You Were Young

277 - Fedde Le Grand - Put Your Hands Up For Detroit
There's no point in denying it. You got trashed. You put your hands up. You've never been to Detroit. We're all in the same boat.

276 - Outkast - Hey Ya
Absolutely butchered by overkill when it was the biggest thing in the world for a few weeks after release. Only now can we sit back, appreciate fully and ask the time honoured question - 'what's cooler than being cool'?

275 - Goldfrapp - Happiness

274 - Pink - God Is a DJ
Despite a late charge from Lady GaGa there is surely no doubt that Pink was the female 'pop' artist of the decade. Only Timberlake could face her down for the overall title.

273 - Yoji Biomehanika – Samurai
272 - Mia Dyson - Roll Me Out
271 - Pay TV - Refrain Refrain
270 - Junior Jack – Stupidisco
269 - Pixies - Bam Thwok

268 - Together - So Much Love To Give
The same thing over and over again for almost eleven minutes. Hit the gear first and you'll enjoy it.

267 - The Long Blondes - Giddy Stratospheres
266 - The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight
265 - Yoji Biomehanika – Angel Of Death
264 - Pet Shop Boys - Minimal
263 - Robyn - With Every Heartbeat (Tong and Spoon Wonderland Remix)
262 - Goldfrapp – Train

261 – Ja Rule – Livin’ It Up
Much like 50 Cent he was a clearly detestable human being who managed one sample-aided cracker of a track before never being heard from again. At least had the good manners not to try a serious acting career.

260 - The Cloud Room - Blackout!
No video. Imagine what a song about a blackout might sound like.

259 - Junior Jack - My Feeling
258 - Art Brut - Moving To LA
257 - Hercules and Love Affair - Blind
256 - Maximo Park - The Coast Is Always Changing
255 - Rufus Wainwright - Rules and Regulations
254 - Neon Neon - Michael Douglas
253 - Cats On Fire - Higher Grounds
252 - Black Francis - Angels Come To Comfort You
251 - CSS - Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above

So, what's in store for 250-201? How many more times will you wail and scream "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?" as another second division rap act nudges their way in next to Limp Bizkit? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT.

TSP's Top 20 albums of the decade

20 – Peaches – The Teaches of Peaches
Middle aged Canadian filth, part one.

19 - The White Stripes – Elephant

18 - The White Stripes – White Blood Cells
The band who dominated the first five years of the decade before being distracted by side projects and other various shenanigans.

17 - The Libertines – The Libertines
For about five minutes they were the best band in the world. Then Pete Doherty upped his drug intake to Herculean levels, robbed his bandmate's flat, shacked up with a supermodel and saw it all go wrong.

16 - The Young Knives – Voices of Animals and Men

15 - Electric Six – Fire

14 - Lily Allen – Alright, Still

13 - Maximo Park – A Certain Trigger

12 - Peaches – Fatherfucker
Middle aged Canadian sleaze, part two.

11 - The Strokes – Room On Fire
In all honesty it wasn't THAT bad of a second album, it just didn't match up to the first.

10 – The Hold Steady – Boys and Girls In America
A Bruce Springsteen for the 21st century. If you ignore the fact that Bruce is still kicking.

9 - My Chemical Romance – Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge
Yeah? And?

8 - The Libertines – Up The Bracket

7 - Lovage – Music To Make Love To Your Old Lady By
Probably the best music to crack on to since Barry White's hey-day.

6 – Sun Kil Moon – Ghosts of the Great Highway
Try the lengthy Duk Koo Kim, a 14 minute homage to a dead boxer. Unbelievable.

5 – Kings of Leon – Youth & Young Manhood
So much better than the albums they got famous from.

4 – New Young Pony Club – Fantastic Playroom
Late 00's electropop fever. Early returns on the next album show it might be hard to match this.

3 – Drive-By Truckers – Southern Rock Opera
A two disc concept album loosely based on the lives and deaths of Lynyrd Skynyrd. It shouldn't work. But it does.

2 – Morrissey – You Are The Quarry
A nine year hiatus shattered with a corker of a comeback. Next two albums declared "very ordinary".

1 – The Strokes – Is This It
Simply amazing. They'll never do anything like it again.

TSP's Top 50 of 2009

A poor year in music. For almost everybody on this list who has "old stuff", I'd rather it than what they put out this year. But let's forge on regardless.

First, as always, the rules. Two tracks per artist maximum, no covers, re-releases only if 2009 was the first time I'd heard it. Guest appearances, duets and "We Are The World" style celebrity singalongs don't count towards the two.

And before we begin - a quick look at the previous top 5's.

2005

1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot
2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure
3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La
4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
5. Bloc Party - Helicopter

2006

1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill
2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It
3. Silvia Night - Congratulations
4. Lily Allen - LDN
5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

2007

1. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!
2. New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream
3. The Teenagers - Homecoming
4. Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent
5. Jack Penate - Spit At Stars

2008

1. Lethal Bizzle - The Come Up
2. Neon Neon - Luxury Pool
3. MGMT - Electric Feel
4. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream
5. Fryars - Olive Eyes

And now tonight's host
.

Speaking of old men, here's number 50.

50 - Bob Dylan - It's All Good
That guy is still alive?

49 - Lethal Bizzle - Rockstar
I was hanging out to see what last year's #1 artist would follow "The Come Up" with. The answer was 'nothing nearly as good'. It'll probably sell a truckload more.

48 - 1990's - Everybody Please Relax
A perfectly good song nearly destroyed by the use of the term 'chillax'. Even used with heavy irony it sounds shithouse. CEASE AND DESIST.

47 - The Prodigy - Invaders Must Die
They're still around, and with original members. Oh for something remotely approaching the sick menace of Breathe.

46 - Maximo Park - I Haven't Seen Her In Ages
WHITHER APPLY SOME PRESSURE?

45 - Simian Mobile Disco - Cruel Intentions (featuring Beth Ditto)
Not as good as her old songs, in a year that her band appeared with a set of songs that weren't as good as the debut.

44 - Julian Cope - All the Blowing Themselves Up Motherfuckers
Acid fried former Teardrop Explode frontman delivers his take on the art of suicide bombing in a song with no video. Thirty seconds worth here.

43 - Art Brut - Demons Out!
The same lyrics with a knowing smirk. Just not as good as before.

42 - The Rifles - Fall To Sorrow
Meh. About what you'd expect a #43 to be.

41 - Pete Doherty - Arcadie
40 - Pete Doherty - Last of the English Roses
Decent double Doherty. NOW REFORM THE LIBERTINES YOU DRUG ADDICTED GOOSE.

39 - Franz Ferdinand - Can't Stop Feeling
Oh Franz, can we please have another Take Me Out?

38 - Madness - We Are London
Awww.. Makes me nostalgic for London.

37 - The Gossip - Heavy Cross
Hah, she said heavy.

36 - The Broken Family Band - Please Yourself
Where they invite you to do just that.

35 - Noisettes - Don't Upset the Rhythm
It's an iron clad guarantee that if you haven't heard this soundtracking something from the government yet, you will soon.

34 - The Prodigy - Run With The Wolves

33 - New York Dolls - Cause I Sez So
Yes, they are still alive. Some of them anyway. Kind of like The Platters playing at the Dragonfly Restaurant in Tullamarine.

32 - Franz Ferdinand - No You Girls

31 - She Keeps Bees - Gimme
Reminscent of the Meg songs from the White Stripes (but sung properly). Major difference is the pure filth of the lyrics.

30 - VV Brown - Crying Blood
Moderately insane soul - 2000's style.

29 - Bad Lieutenant - Sink Or Swim
Bernard from New Order in a New Order-esque moment. Sure, he doesn't talk to Peter Hook anymore but this is about as N.O as you're ever going to get again.

28 - Young Jeezy - My President Is Black
Sounded a lot better in the immediate aftermath of the Obama inauguration when it was released.

27 - Mayer Hawthorne - Your Easy Lovin' Ain't Pleasin' Nothin'
White boy soul that isn't complete shite. What's next? White rappers?

26 - The Cribs - We Share The Same Skies
You will note that nothing off the new Morrissey album made this year's top 50. The only decent songs got in last year as singles - the rest are shit. This track should tell you everything you need to know about why Johnny Marr and Moz should kiss make up, get back together and FUCKING DOMINATE. The Cribs had one shining moment (Men's Needs), and have done nearly bugger all since but this gets pushed from purely average to good simply by the addition of Marr Magic.

25 - Kasabian - Underdog
Like them or not, and I'm undecided, there is no doubt that Kasabian are going to slot right into the space recently left by Oasis. All they need is their lighters in the air, bullshit Wonderwall-esque ballad and then it's world domination time.

24 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Softshock
One of three Karen O appearances in this year's chart. She qualifies due to a guest appearance.

23 - Peaches - Billionare
Where the middle-aged and hairy Canadian sleazebag suggests that she would like to "fuck you like a billionare"

22 - Lily Allen - It's Not Fair
Pop country for people who would throw up if you were suggesting that they were listening to country. "But there's lyrics about shagging!" you say. I say Loretta Lynn did it first. Still, not a bad song. Raising the spectre of Conway Twitty in the video was a masterstroke.

21 - U2 - Breathe
I vowed never to take another U2 song seriously until they did another "Beautiful Day" or "Elevation", but this is surprisingly good.

20 - NASA - Strange Enough (featuring Karen O, Ol' Dirty Bastard and Fat Lip)
Karen O appearance #2, from the debut album with the finest set of guest artists in recent memory.

19 - Luke Haines - 21st Century Man
Your standard Haines. Think The Auteurs or Black Box Recorder. Wistful looking back at British 20th modern history a speciality.

18 - Boy Crisis - Dressed To Digress
STORMING. And what a video..

17 - Golden Silvers - True Romance (No. 9 Blues)
Another track that will undoubtedly be used in an ad at some point.

16 - Camera Obscura - Honey In The Sun
In a less cruel world this would be considered pop and would storm into the charts at #1. But no, enjoy your Katy Perry instead kids.

15 - Connor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band - Roosevelt Room
Last year's Bob Dylan is at #50, the future Dylan is here. No video anywhere (!?), but more than worth a listen.

14 - The Virgins - Teen Lovers
Good song, quality video. Like a last minute draft smoky this rocketed from the mid 40's to 14th in the last week of voting. Congratulations Virgins everywhere!

13 - Basement Jaxx - Day Of The Sunflowers (We March On)
But enough self congratulations. Onto the best thing Yoko Ono has ever been involved with. Period.

12 - The Airborne Toxic Event - Sometime Around Midnight
Orchestral emo for a mature audience.

11 - Metric - Gimme Sympathy
Canadians behind Monster Hospital, ask the eternal question.

10 - Cerys Matthews - Arlington Way

Former Catatonia singer in blistering return to form. Like Dusty In Memphis dragged into the 21st century.

9 - Lily Allen - The Fear

Depression about fame. Pulp did it years ago, and they even nabbed the song title. Still, the best chartbound pop song of the year. Additional bonus of getting a few obscenities in that are well masked enough to see the track played at family functions. Sold. And I would like to touch her, but that's beside the point.

8 - La Roux - In For The Kill

Somewhere deep inside the heart of this long lurks 1986.

7 - Dengue Fever - Tiger Phone Card

Our first ever American/Cambodian love song. Ever. Anyone willing to bet on another one?

6 - Deadmau5 featuring Rob Swire - Ghosts 'n Stuff

Reminiscent of Perfect by Mason, in that it worked amazingly without lyrics. Like when Princess Superstar met Mason, this is remarkable with words put to it.

5 - Low Fidelity All Stars - The Good Times
Skirts the fine line of just ripping off I Want You Back by the Jackson 5. Which, in this year of one of them carking it, isn't such a bad thing.

4 - Bat For Lashes - Daniel
A Kate Bush for the 21st century.

3 - Boy Crisis - The Fountain of Youth

This year's Empire of the Sun. Bizarre freaks with strange videos delivering the natural 21st progression of synthpop. Sounds like a version of MGMT who don't take themselves so seriously. Described by a Pitchfork reviewer as "the worst band in the world" they certainly look the part, but maigod the songs say otherwise. Besides.. in the world? What about all those Hillsong front groups who sing about how much they love Jebus?

2 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll


1 - N.A.S.A - Spacious Thoughts (featuring Tom Waits and Kool Keith)


See you soon for TSP's top 200 of the 2000's. Explosive.

Hysteria Central

I'm continually irritated by these bollocks TAC road safety ads that the taxpayer are funding.

The latest one tells us that 20% of fatalities on Victorian roads have "some trace of drugs" in their system. Well that's wonderful. But what does that actually mean? 0.5 is the arbitrarily declared line where you cross from safe driver to dangerous pisshead, but what level is it that you're a deadly menace on drugs? Obviously somebody who has hoovered up 10 lines of gear is not somebody you're going to want to share the road with - but what about when it's in their system the next day. Are they still supposed to be seconds from disaster?

I've never had to do the maths to beat a drug test - and I've had a few - but everyone knows that this stuff stays in your system for days. How many of those 20% had used drugs on the same day that they had their accident - and how do they know? It's a sensible message wrapped up in the typical hysterical bullshit.

And what the hell is up with the ad where it goes on for a minute about people "smoking joints" but doesn't even bother to consider the fact that most people who are going to smoke and drive and probably ripping bucket bongs not smoking enormous Cheech and Chong style reefers.

Shithouse. I notice nobody had any great interest in stopping the guy who drove past me at about 120kmh on the freeway today.

Triple AM

At the risk of the first serious post on here for about five years there are some whinges that you can't fully develop in a 140 word tweet

*commence talkback radio outrage* 

Everyone's got their views on the Matthew Johns/Cronulla Sharks fiasco, but it would be charitable to say that 5% of people in Melbourne knew who he was a couple of weeks ago. Now toss in some group sex content and he's the brand name for debauchery. Bit harsh I'd have thought, but we know Australia loves a bandwagon to jump on. Even poor Schapelle Corby feels so forgotten that she's had to do a bit of froth at the mouth nutbag work to get back into the papers. 

Whatever you about this fiasco is your business, and I'm not trying and convince you one way or the other but think for a second how many hours were wasted discussing it on radio and television, and how many journalists are making a living out of being outraged. Now, once you've considered the amount of coverage that incident got in your mind then read this. Buried on the "Victoria" page of the Herald Sun website and beneficiary of 20 seconds on tonight's news. 

A CHILD rapist who broke his parole only 24 hours after being released from jail is being hunted by police. Andrew Darling was released on parole last week after serving a nine-year sentence for raping a 13-year-old girl. 

Nine years? Nine fucking years? Why isn't this the front page scandal. The fact that he's on the loose is bad enough, but how come nobody seems to care that he only served nine years? 

The news wasted an entire story on a widow of a man killed in an industrial accident having a whinge because the company only got fined $300,000. Tragic loss and all, but what does she want them to do - bring him back? Elsewhere somebody's life is effectively ruined at 13 and nobody really seems to care. 

Just give a I'm no fan of capital punishment, and I'm for people who legitimately stuffed up being given a second chance but surely the various assorted freaks like this can't have any excuse. "Sorry your honor, I accidentally raped her". Get fucked. You get pissed, you stack your car and kill a family - you should do 15 years and get another go. You rob a bank and get busted, do 10 years and walk out. Fair enough. But this? My god. 

There are crimes that deserve to see people locked away for the rest of their life, and if this isn't one of them then what sort of society are we living in? And what do the media do about it? The Herald Sun are always trying to position themselves as the defenders of all things good and true, and they're too busy hanging around Ben Cousins' driveway to make any sort of statement about what a shambles sentencing in this country is. 

Politicians? Opening golf courses and making pissweak internet ads. Next financial year get yourself a game card (not from the Herald Sun, they're too busy printing the latest "global warming is fake" bollocks by Andrew Bolt) and play "Bullshit Sentence Bingo". See if you can find one ridiculously lenient sentence in every field of crime, then one that seems completely over the top for an otherwise ordinary case. By June 30 2010 your house will be full of game cards. Unfortunately you don't win anything except the right to vote at a State Election for one of two parties who couldn't give a shit about anything but their own rorts. 

*end talkback radio outrage*

Fantasy Eurovision 2009 - Results Spectacular

*Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Wimbledon dog track for the startling conclusion to this year's night of nights. And here's your host... Ugly Dave"



"Ere, I'm back. You know last week after the show I walked into a bar. Didn't 'alf 'urt. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, let's get on with it. Me mother in law is outside and she'll just die if I don't take her for a walk. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, if you want to recap the acts one more time go here. Otherwise as the results come in we'll be joined by some often casually racist stereotypes for their reactions. Are you ready? Well let's start with last, because they're the furthest away from first."

23. Greece - Diamanda Galas : 0 points

Deep shock and resentment there in Athens. The selection committee will surely now be wondering if they should have gone for Yanni and his blistering synth pop moustache instead of a wailing crazy woman.

=22. England - The Members : 8 points

A very poor showing for the English, but aren't the fans taking it well? As is so often the case for the English it's a bottom five finish. Would Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark have done any better? We'll never know.

=22. Scotland - The Proclaimers : 8 points

Shockingly poor result for one of the favourites of the competition, and look the Scottish fans have come all the way to Wembley Stadium to protest about it.

20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - : 9 points

Shock in rural Ireland as their favourite sons go down to a heavy defeat. Father Ted unavailable for comment due to being, err, dead.

19. Spain - Las Ketchup : 13 points

There's Don Flamenco. Noted Spanish boxer and Nintendo character. He's not at all pleased but did stop to tell us that it's not his fault that his country have produced bugger all decent pop artists.

18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban : 18 points

A poor result for the singing dentist from the land of the Tulip.

17. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - : 21 points

Poor result for the sleaziest Frenchman ever born. His understudy, however, has found time to chat up a young girl in Serge's honor. The great man himself did have time to give this victory speech from beyond the grave.

16. Romania - Enigma : 24 points

It's over to Bucharest, where they haven't had much to smile about since the fall of Ceacescu, and that won't change tonight as the song that a million babies was concieved to fails to finish in the top half. Food rationing for all.

=14. Norway - A-ha : 25 points

Shocking scenes in Oslo where everybody asks "Surely we'd won if they'd picked Take On Me". Well, that's not the way it works kids.

=14. Portugal - Rui Da Silva : 25 points

Obscure artist in 'better than expected' shock. Portuguese national football team said to be "thrilled" at being included due to the lack of any actual Portugal related stereotypes than didn't involve Angolans and machine guns.

13. East Germany - Nina Hagen : 27 points

Wild scenes in East Berlin! The hometown girl has beaten almost half of Europe and they're jumping for joy!

12. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey : 31 points

News just in from Belfast, TISM have been recruited to fill this slot next year.

11. Moldova - O-Zone : 34 points

Possibly anti-Numa Numa backlash causes best foreign bubblegum language pop song of the millenium to fail to crack the top ten. This young lady's not too concerned though, all she's worried about is having to go back there.

10. Austria - Falco : 35 points

It's Don't Turn Around, Der Koroner's in town for the Austrian Eurovision tilt this year.

=6. Italy - Albert One : 38 points

Even massive corruption and gangland activity couldn't drive this porky italo disco classic to top spot. The above gentleman are working on an entry which we hope to be seeing in 25-40 years.

=6. Denmark - Aqua : 38 points

Strangely these guys don't seem to be that concerned about Denmark's failure.

=6. Iceland - The Sugarcubes : 38 points

Music by Bjork, jumpers by Daryl Somers. Strong result for the eccentric, and suddenly bankrupt, island nation.

=6. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand : 38 points

Nobody knows what a Belgian looks like, so we invited his Royal Majesty King Albert II to do the honours. He said in a statement "France, Belgium and Germany - suck on this"

5. West Germany - The Real McCoy : 40 points

Celebrations and drunken slurring all around for the highest finish of the "big four" nations. Clearly a more crowd pleasing choice than the semi-final runner up "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions.

4. Switzerland - DJ Otzi : 43 points

Strange things happen when you Google Image search for the Swiss Navy.

3. Wales - Catatonia : 46 points

No, it's not a late entry from the Black and White Minstrel Show. Because that, unlike showing pictures of Moldovan prostitutes, would be racist. No, it's just some Welsh miners showing their glee at finishing in the coveted third position on the night.

2. Russia - TATU : 52 points

The world loves sleaze, and even better if it involves a pair of schoolgirls! This is such a popular result that Russia's greatest musical exports (even though they were from Germany) couldn't help but stop in and pay their tribute. Quoth the lead singer "AHAHAHAHA! HEY!"

And that only leaves one. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of Fantasy Eurovision 2009. You guessed it;

1. Sweden - Roxette : 55 points

And if you thought you had sat through 22 other acts just to see some scantily clad Swedish women writhing in celebration then you were wrong.

Let's get them out here for one more round of the winning song. Per and Marie, you crazy - and yes, hot - kids. Get out here now.



Right, that's it for this year. Direct your lawsuits to Channel 10 c/o Wobbies World Nunawading. Shall we go out on a song? Right lads and ladettes, let's hear it. Goodnight Europe.

Fantasy Eurovision 2009

(Dear readers, Last night's Eurovision was as dull as you've come to expect. No novelty songs, no classics. I'll get around to doing a write up eventually, but in it's place we now cross to the England for a version special TSP interactive event...) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wimbledon Greyhound Stadium for Europe's all time night of nights. Please welcome your host for the evening, the one and only Ugly Dave Gray. 'ere thank you very much. You know, when they rang me up and offered me the chance to host this evening I told my wife and she turned to me and said "It's going to be a special occasion. I'd like you to put me in something long and flowing". So I threw her in the river. Boom Boom. Anyway, on with the evening. The rules for Fantasy Eurovision are as follows; * No matter if the singers carked it years ago. After all we've all died on stage at one point or another. * No boring three minute limit for songs. * In the event of more than one nominee being available for the nation then the participant has been randomly drawn. Got that? Good. You know, on my way here tonight I walked past a couple a couple of flies. One looked down at the other and said "Don't look now, but your human's open" Ah ah ah ah ah ah. Err anyway. Once you're done refreshing your memory of the classic hits contained within scroll down to the bottom to cast your vote in this important contest. Viewers across the world are hanging on the results. Shall we all have a bit of a singalong then? Alright, let's have contestant #1 No, not that number one. This number one; 1. Switzerland - DJ Otzi "Hey Baby" 2. Wales - Catatonia "Road Rage" 3. East Germany - Nina Hagen "New York, NY" 4. Denmark - Aqua "Dr Jones" 5. Portugal - Rui Da Silva "Touch Me" 6. West Germany - The Real McCoy "Come and Get Your Love" 7. Italy - Albert One "Turbo Diesel" 8. Russia - TATU "All The Things She Said" 9. Iceland - The Sugarcubes "Birthday" 10. Moldova - O-Zone "Dragostea Din Tei" 11. Sweden - Roxette "Joyride" 12. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand "Ca Plane Pour Moi" 13. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey "A Good Heart" 14. England - The Members "Sound of the Suburbs" 15. Norway - A-ha "The Sun Only Shines On TV" 16. Greece - Diamanda Galas "Double Barrel Prayer" 17. Spain - Las Ketchup "The Ketchup Song" 18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban "Sing Hallelujah" 19. Austria - Falco "Der Kommissar" 20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - "Irish Rover" 21. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - "Bonny and Clyde" 22. Scotland - The Proclaimers "500 Miles" 23. Romania - Enigma "Sadeness Pt. 1" Wasn't that marvellous? Now for the most important part of the evening. Click here to cast your vote. While you vote let's take a look at the act that the reason we're in majestic South London tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning champions - Cats UK Results will be available after a decent period of reflection.

Ode to a Website

Since I took my first, tentative steps towards the internet in 1997 by connecting via a BBS and looking up wrestling results (this very page. I'm still confused over the logic of the Dusty Rhodes turn 11.5 years later) there are very few websites that I can claim have had any influence on my life. YouTube, Wikipedia, the aforementioned DDT Digest, redhotplumpers.com, AFL Tables....

That's about it really - everything else is just background noise and doe-eyed, scantily clad Bulgarian immigrants. However I'd like to pay tribute to the latest member of the TSP Hall of Fame. 

First, some background. Fantasy Football is nothing new. I remember owning a book in the early 90s explaining how you could set up a league with family and friends. Not surprisingly my Grade 6 classmates weren't as keen to pore over the stats and the book ended up discarded. In fact, before the internet came along footy tipping wsa king, and fantasy games were strictly for Americans or the English. Even post-internet nobody gave a rats for years, before the mid 2000s when Supercoach and Dream Team emerged. At first I paid scant regard, bizarrely choosing Jared Rivers as captain, then leaving him in the spot for about six weeks while injured.

Then along came Fan Footy and I was hooked. Being the sort of insular fan who couldn't care less about any player who didn't play for Melbourne a whole world of random players suddenly emerged. Who the in buggery is Craig Bird? No idea, but he's been in my team for two years. What sets it above every other sports site are the jaunty little icons next to players that tell you how they're performing. It's replaced the clunky AFL.com.au Game Tracker as the best place to follow a game. In an era when a player can have 30 touches and still not be anywhere near the best players in a match, it's Fan Footy that gives you the information you need to know to follow a game even if you haven't got it on the radio or TV.

[NB: The graphic originally displayed here has disappeared due to being hosted in a rubbish location. Use your imagination]/

From the 'sun' icon I can tell the top six players are all running "hot", Jack Grimes is on Brad Johnson, Cheney is rising in value, Bartram is tagging, Miller is playing badly and Warnock has a specific defensive job. Hover over any of the logos for specific stats. What else do you need to know? Sure, you need to reject the idea of having a life to get into this stuff but once you do it's addictive. Looking for the scores on your mobile in the middle of a tedious date? Staight to FF. 

The guiltiest pleasure of the whole thing is the tombstone logo. () It means somebody's copped a long term injury but seeing it is a major event. Prismall, Hille, most of the Melbourne side at one time or another, you know that logo means somebody will be gone for a long time. When Russell Robertson blew his achilles to shreds last year and I saw that on the screen in a dingy Singapore internet cafe I let out a plaintive wail. It's one thing when the radio says somebody's done their knee, but it's not true until m0nty confirms it. 

The genius of the tombstone is that in my circle of acquaintances it has passed into common usage. Somebody's broken their leg falling out of a tree, "it's a tombstone for...". Somebody's died? "Tombstones all around". In fact, I would like to think that if I snuffed it tomorrow that my death notice would read; 

 Adam 1.0  

The other notable feature of the site is the running commentary alongside the stats, most of which is seemingly written by 13-year-olds or complete lunatics. The vast majority consists of people posting as if they're actually talking directly to the player, though it's hard to work out whether Justin Sherman would actually know what "BoMbErZ-93" meant if he rolled up to him in the street and yelled "WTF SHERMAN u absolute MANCHILD". Apparently it's a compliment. 

Every game can also be relied on to have some muppet post that they made the lowest scorer on the ground their captain that week (double points) as if nobody has ever thought of that gag before. Then there's outright abuse. This afternoon "footy_wiz" was moved to say "firrito u flowering [fuck is replaced with flower, hillarity ensues - 1.0] spud, the 2 first gamers did better than you". No consideration of the fact that Firrito is richer, more famous and more chance of getting laid than anyone who has ever logged onto that website, myself included. 

This year has seen the final ascent of fantasy football to the tip of everyone's tongue. Suddenly the real footy dissectors are coming in on Monday and talking points instead of tips. The old style footy tipping, where you'd study the form for ten years and still get beaten by the work experience kid who guesses, has been dethroned. It's a good thing, even if it has been taken a bit far with Dream Team updates on the big screen at the MCG and during radio calls. Even if it has created the phenomenon of idiots in the crowd going bananas over their own team copping a goal just because it's come from one of their players. 

 It'll play itself out over the next couple of years and everyone will get sick of it again but it's a wild ride while it lasts - and as far as I'm concerned Fan Footy is the best thing about it. In fact, as they might say , ,  

P.S - If I win my work comp this year I'm going to run into the office, throw Gatorade over myself in celebration and dedicate the victory to m0nty

Good God

 

"There is a nip in the air" he says. "I love Australia for Australians". Why are you rapping then you old crunt? 

This was so bad it couldn't even chart in 1992 in a year when 2 Unlimited, Right Said Fred and Dannii Minogue were riding high in the Top 40. Pure horror.

Bank of Horror

Everyone mocks me for parking my money with Bank of Queensland, but the distinct lack of customers has an advantage in being able to eavesdrop on other customers. 

This was a particuarly cringeworthy exchange between Horny Customer (HC) - a trady sort in a singlet - and Attractive Teller (AT) - an, err, attractive teller. 

HC - How are you?
AT - Oh not good, I'm sick 

HC - Oh yeah, I noticed you weren't here last week. 

AT - I'm getting better now 

HC - *laughing* It wasn't that AIDS was it? *silence* 

HC - I had that once. Ha ha. Got rid of it, gave it to somebody else. *long silence* 

*Adam tries to remain upright whilst feeling the need to fall to the floor*

*still silence* 

AT - So....... what can I help you with today? 

Supremely inappropriate. Gentlemen, remember that line next time you're trying to woo a special lady.

Sunday Video Classix

It's been a while, but where better to start off again than with the medieval stylings of Men Without Hats? Apparently they could dance if they wanted. Often through a medieval English field if the video is anything to go by. Which was strange considering they were Canadian. There was definately a sense of adventure involved, and not just because he was associating with a midget. Or assaulting a midget as the case may be. No, the Men With Hats were all about wandering through a field aimlessly. Whilst doing this they would find... ... a random blonde woman who has one line in the entire song but who you can't avoid for the next two minutes. So, off the disturbing three-way of Hatless Man, midget and random woman skipped off into the distance. Where there was much leaping, prancing and method acting. And a midget in the band t-shirt. Extra points for ignoring the otherwise ye olde setting just to sneak some merch into the clip. Sadly no records are available of the sales of the shirts after this video, but I'm willing to bet that even if they couldn't match up to Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine (pre traffic shenanigans) they would have comfortably beat Collette's "Ring My Bell" range in stores for Christmas. As dodgy as the acting is in this clip - and a simple screenshot won't explain anything - it's almost ludicrous enough to work. Also ludicrous is a troupe of Morris Dancers suddenly invading the town on masse for more leaping, dancing and heathen behaviour. There's another one.. And here's what you've been waiting for. The actual Safety Dance itself. Doesn't look particuarly safe to me so you'll have to take their word for it. In fact when you watch the video it appears to involved very quick and angular moves of the arms which could take somebody out in a crowded room so I'd check with your OH&S rep before you try any of this shit in the office on Monday. General medieval shenanigans. More medie... hold on, what the fuck is that! Even the midget starts to get confused as he tries to poke his normal sized friend in the cock with a mandolin. The exact same pose in which the director came up with the concept for this clip after waking up on somebody's couch at 4.30 in the morning with two pizzas and a surprisingly well-used bong perching precariously on top of him. Here's one for those of you 'playing' at home who want another picture of the girl. And in case it's your go here's another shot of the chicken mask. It's certainly mine. What do you make of this video Mr. Without Hat? Oh, and how about the prospect of another hit single? Fair enough. Less joyous is the live version where they suddenly decide they're Bauhaus. See you in 12 months!