New Year's Evil

Looking back at the year for me I'm going to give it a very marginal pass mark. Lets say 51%, which in this case is a landslide.

May you end up horizontal with or without somebody at the conclusion of tonight's festivities. My slogan for the evening is, "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars". I predict is that I will be in the gutter but will NOT be seeing the stars.

I'll probably end up pitching myself into the sea as a tragic reminder of the death of the kiosk at the end of the pier a few months back.

Something rotten in the city of Port Phillip

There is definately something rancid, and just plain WRONG going on in Albert Park Lake. I walked down to Bob Jane Stadium tonight to watch a friendly between South Melbourne and the Fijian Olympic team (Yes, I am sad. South won 1-0) and at a couple of points along Lakeside Drive the smell of the nasty looking water is so disgusting that I almost threw up.

My favourite bit, though, was outside the restaurant where they'd thrown all these bread rolls into the water to presumably be eaten by the birds and they were all pathetically floating on the surface being totally ignored. I don't blame the birds, I wouldn't have eaten anything that came out of that FOUL water either.

Oh, and it would cut a good 20 minutes off my walking if they left that bridge they have at the GP which lets you walk right across the middle of the lake. Fuck the boating community, I want a 30 minute walk not 50.

Oh dear, you're all going to die

Mad christians prepare to get seriously fucked up in Iraq...

American Christian missionaries have declared a "war for souls" in Iraq, telling supporters that the formal end of the US-led occupation next June will close an historic "window of opportunity".

Organising in secrecy, and emphasising their humanitarian aid work, Christian groups are pouring into the country, which is 97 per cent Muslim, bearing Arabic Bibles, videos and religious tracts designed to "save" Muslims from their "false" religion.

You will score some BIG points with the man upstairs for dying like this guys! Bit of a waste if he doesn't exist though isn't it?

American columnist is an absolute nutcase

The New York Post believes you should sell your stock in Take Two Interactive because they make a violent videogame. The fact that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City has sold 5 MILLION FREAKING COPIES apparently has no bearing on this decision.

You've got to read the whole thing to understand how stridently this guy HATES the company and the game - but he has this to say at the end of the article:

Bottom line: Stay away from this stock - far, far away - and you'll be doing both your wallet and your fellow man a favor. Happy New Year.

Or you could call your favourite NASDAQ broker and buy it like there's no tomorrow just to stick it up this tossbag.

My favourite bit of it is this,

People, this is insane. This is 10,000 times worse than the worst thing anybody thinks Michael Jackson ever did to a little boy - or than any lie the feds think Martha Stewart ever told them, or any line in any song that Bruce Springsteen ever sang that rankled a cop in the Meadowlands.

So creating a videogame where you kill a lot of people is 10,000 times worse than buttfucking a 12-year-old? And this guy is claiming to be representing the moral side of the argument? How very odd.

Oh he's just trying to score more hits...

Who in gods name is Jessica Simpson and why is my inbox full of invitations to purchase a copy of her celebrity sex video? It's not the singer surely, she's about 15 years old isn't she? How illicit. Of course it might be a hoax on the same level as the time that I was offered via email a chance to see Jennifer Lopez taking a horse. No really. I didn't click but I would assume it was a fake.

* Yes, this WILL appear highly on Google. Suggested search string - "Jessica Simpson Sex Video"

UPDATE - It might be the chick from some TV show called "Newlyweds". It's the only other Jessica Simpson who ranks highly in the search engines.

Odd

Now, I haven't posted on Disturbing Search Requests for ages - but I just got this rather amusing email from some random sicko regarding one of my old posts. It's oh-so-formal

"Felix [1] sent this email to you through Disturbing Search Requests [2] regarding this page [3].

Wishing you happy new year dear
kiss to your warm strong dick.
please send me your dick pics in action


[1] http://
[2] http://searchrequests.weblogs.com/
[3] http://searchrequests.weblogs.com/discuss/msgReader$16931"

Kiss to your warm strong dick! What a hero!

Massive whinge day continues at TSP

Why is it that the only thing keyboard makers can never agree on is where to put the / key? The placement on this new one is giving me the shits, it's at the top right of the useful keys wedged between the plus/equals, backspace, ] and the world's biggest enter key.

Guess I'll get used to it, but couldn't there be a standard? Next they'll be pissfarting around with the keys and introducing the Dvorak system by stealth.

Just think, if I was a talkback host/shock jock I could raise these sorts of important issues to a nationwide audience. Write to your favourite station and demand they hire me - and if that particular entity only plays music demand that they change format to suit me as well.

Low tech reportage II

Space Probe Fails (http://dox.media2.org/barista/archives/000234.html)

"Status report: 27 December 2003

Tonight, the Jodrell Bank telescope in the UK detected no signal from the Beagle 2 lander. Due to clear weather conditions and less noise, the opportunity for reception was better than on 26 December.

Earlier in the evening of 26 December, no signal had been detected by NASA's Mars Odyssey spacecraft flying in orbit overhead. The next opportunity to listen with Mars Odyssey will take place at 07:15 CET on 27 December."

What's the great obsession with space? Couldn't we pump billions of dollars into shit that will benefit our lives here instead? Like buying me a slab.

Low tech reportage

Still no HTML allowed - so go here (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20031224.wbads24/BNStory/Sports/) for the full story of how undercover, Santa-related, rival fan Ice Hockey fan fighting madness amused the world.

""A seemingly harmless Christmas promotion arranged by the New York Islanders turned ugly, and all because of the team's fierce rivalry with the New York Rangers... The promotion invited fans to dress up as Santa Claus for Tuesday night's game against the Philadelphia Flyers and be admitted to the Nassau Coliseum for free. What's more, they were permitted to parade across the ice between periods. About 1,000 Santa Clauses showed up and as promised, they were invited on the ice after the first period... As the Santas milled around, two of them removed their red jackets to reveal jerseys of the rival Rangers... The interlopers were knocked to the ice and had the shirts ripped off. Other Santas went sliding across the ice during the melee that took six minutes to settle down."

Legends one and all!

Commentators Box

Dear Bill Lawry,

I know you get a bit excited, and we love you for it, but when a batsman gets a massive inside edge onto the stumps I don't think you can accurately say he was "clean bowled".

Right on!

ESPN is doing even better. They're showing a pro-celebrity Golf tournament hosted by the guy who played Elaine's boss Jay Peterman in Seinfeld and featuring baseball's Mark McGwire kicking the ass of golfing luminaries like Greg Norman.

Foxtel. Worth every cent.

Fair and balanced...

Fox News is playing a "best of" 2003 program and it's fun to see their massive conservative agenda neatly compiled and shown in one short program. Every single 'highlight' from the year involves one of their hosts - often Bill O'Reilly - going ballistic at somebody who was against the war, or had some affiliation to the Democratic Party.

The best bit was the host of Fox and Friends deviating from the job of being an endlessly jolly David Koch-esque morning show host to debate comedian Janeane Garofalo on the need for a war in Iraq. His entire argument centered on that infamous "sexed up" British intelligence dossier that was so discredited later on. It's probably best to edit out highlights that make your hosts look like complete dicks. He actually claimed that the huge Republican Party stack of Fox News was justified because they're the top rating cable news station in America. What a tool. It was almost as good as the random news anchor vs General Clark brawl they played before it.

With friends like this how can Bush possibly lose?

Please

Dear Sir or Madman,

If you actually choose to wake up at 6 in the morning on Friday specifically to watch the World Idol final results shit I think it's time to get some serious, SERIOUS psychological treatment.

Love,

Adam

A big hand

Congratulations to whatever advertising genius in the KFC marketing department decided that this years version of the Cricketers Box promotion would be the Commentary Box. There's apparently a far better ad than that dog's breakfast they put out last year too.

About time the commentators finally got some credit for all their hard work. Don't know what they're going to do next year - the "Sponsors Box" or something.

What? Pissed?

George Best? I don't believe it!

FORMER Manchester United and Northern Ireland football star George Best spent 11 hours under arrest yesterday after allegedly assaulting his estranged wife, Alex.

Best, 57, was arrested after a drunken tiff with his wife in the southern England town of Reigate where he and Alex once shared a house, The Sun newspaper reported.

"A 57-year-old male was arrested on December 26 at approximately 2am in Reigate, in relation to an allegation of assault," police said, refusing to confirm his identity or the victim of the alleged assault.

"He has been released without charge and no allegation is being pursued by any party," police said.

The reported arrest is the latest drama in the life of the football legend who split from 31-year-old Alex in September after failing to give up drinking, despite undergoing a liver transplant in July, 2002.

Just shoot him already. What an embarassment.

Unclean

If you're being chatted up by somebody and they casually mention their hometown is Vancouver, Canada you might want to end the conversation right there and then...

"Vancouver is facing the worst outbreak of syphilis per capita in the developed world, with city health officials fearful of a looming epidemic of the sexually transmitted disease once thought almost wiped out in North America. Some 254 new cases have been diagnosed locally this year authorities said early this week - more than the total for North America in two decades, with more expected, said Dr. Michael Rekart of the British Columbia Centre for Disease Control... In 2002, the health authority recorded 186 new cases of syphilis, 15 per cent of them among gay men. This year, it jumped to more than 250 new cases and gay men account for a quarter of infections."

Or you might want to shag them silly just to prove a point. Your choice really.

Look, while we're at it..

What did Australia do the TV networks to deserve what they've been served up tonight? The ultra-disappointing National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation vs World Series Ballroom Dancing. Who would ever have thought that the Panel would like entertaining and challenging television?

Maybe we should all go out and do something important instead of watching TV? Erm, everyone else first please.

Idiot

In continuing with the general spirit of nastiness and irritation I've got to ask whether I'm the only person in the world who just doesn't find Mr. Bean funny.

Maybe the first time I saw it I thought "Ahh he clearly belongs in an institution but he's NOT and he's causing HAVOC. HA!" but every time since it's been more like "What is this shit?" And it's repeated ad-bloody-nauseum on certain networks (I'm looking at you ABC. Give me my 12 cents back) so you just never know when you'll come across the bloody idiot.

I'd rather see the sinister side of him when he goes home and butchers small children or something instead.

Advertising lowdown

It's hardly a positive sign for the bug destroying capabilities of Mortein that Louie the Fly has been constantly bouncing back ad after ad for the last forty years is it?

Or are they carrying out a program of genocide on the entire Louie family?

Bastards.

And that's the end of that

Here follows a Christmas message from Adam the first. All hail.

Today marks the third consecutive Xmas where something has gone horrifically wrong for me. This year it's in the form of a keys debacle which resulted in me just forking over $150 to a locksmith for 30 seconds work opening the front door.

I've had it. I'm going to give people gifts on the 25th of November next year for no apparent reason instead and Kris farking Kringle can blow himself.

And to top it all off the fuckwits who were allegedly going to get kicked out of these flats are still here and are randomly exploding illegal fireworks. It's like the bridge scene from Apocalypse Now around here.

You're all bumpkins

And meanwhile who in their right mind would ever go camping? If you're going to go away stay in a freaking hospital - the middle ages have passed and we've fought two world wars; YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN SHANTY TOWNS ANYMORE. Unless you're poor of course, then you're excused.

It's only one small step up from sleeping in a Saddam Hussein style ditch.

People from the country should be coming here, not the other way around.

NB: I am aware that I did this bit last year too. But I'll keep doing it until people come to their senses.

Charity Scum

Charity songs and albums really shit me. And sadly most of them revolve around Christmas.

You know the ones - where 50 celebrities get together in a room, do some interviews that say "You know, we really have to do something for the kids of Ethiopa/Biafra/Redfern" and record the most horrific musical abberations known to man. The CD/LP is then consequently purchased out of guilt by 100,000 people who have done nothing more than sat on their fat asses on the couch watching these jolly foreign people dying on CNN for the last five years, listened to once and then pushed to the back of the collection next to Elton John's Candle in the Wind '97 dead princess debacle.

The irony is always that if the 'artists' (and assorted one hit wonders) forked over a small percentage of their own vast fortunes they'd probably raise more for the kiddies than their bloody CD ever will.

I just saw the video for Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Xmas" and it's totally turned me off the holiday season. You'd be lucky to see more than five people involved with that who are still around or not mired in "My drug hell" headlines. And I always thought that of course the poor starving kiddies wouldn't know it's christmas time at all - because almost most of them come from non-christian countries.

Bah + humbug = TSP.

Mix N Match

Social outing at US prison ends in tears...

An inmate was killed Monday morning after the doors to a cellblock at Varner Supermax prison opened simultaneously, allowing the usually segregated prisoners to mill about for nearly an hour.

State prison officials said they aren’t sure why the 78 doors in the section of the prison suddenly opened, but they suspect faulty wiring. The high-security unit holds some of the most-violent and troublesome inmates in the prison system.

Bet the front doors never spontaneously pop open...

Great One Hit Wonders

4. Roger Voudouris - Get Used To It

Born in 1954 - and growing up on the mean streets of Sacramento, California lusty Greek adonis Roger kicked off his career as a hard man in the band "Roger Voudouris Loud as Hell Rockers" and released a self titled debut album in 1978 that had little impact on the charts. It was his second LP a year later that featured Get Used To It - a massive hit that would prove the high point of his career. It was one of the biggest selling singles of the year across the world - but he failed to reach similar heights with follow-ups. Two more albums, and no more hit singles in the West, followed but it was only Japan which remained crazy for Roger over the years.

It was hosting our very own Countdown where Roger had his most famous moment. Performing his timeless hit "in a tight polyester v-neck jumper while facing a wind machine" the ladies went wild and his song rocketed up the local charts. Classic footage - and I'm sure Molly was taking special interest in proceedings. It was a much mocked performance, ranking alongside the horrid sight of Mark Holden throwing carnations to a crowd of screaming chicks in the cringe factor. A factor that somewhat detracted from the fact that it wasn't a bad song - considering some of the other 'hits' from the very same year (Step forward Patrick Hernandez - and then go away again).

Where are they now? Voudouris won't, however, be making a Holden-esque comeback appearance on American Idol as he died of natural causes on August 3rd this year. Apparently one of the few Sacramento natives ever to grace the Billboard Top 40 he will forever be remembered in this country as the man in the tight jumper.

Candidate wants to kick your ass!

Political cockups ahoy.

Moments after praising his opponents in the Democratic presidential race as worthy running mates, Wesley Clark said, in no uncertain terms, how he would respond if they or anyone else criticized his patriotism or military record.

"I'll beat the . . . out of them," Clark told a questioner as he walked through the crowd after a town hall meeting yesterday. "I hope that's not on television," he added.

It was, live, on C-Span.

Of course behaviour like this would make me more likely to vote for him - but I'm hardly representative of the wider voting public. Which is probably a good thing.

Sorry dad

Even in death Uday Hussein screwed things up for his father,

London: Ousted Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was captured by Kurdish forces, then drugged and handed over to the American forces as a revenge against the rape of a tribal chief's daughter by the tyrant's psychopathic eldest son Uday, a media report said today.

The full story of the fallen dictator's capture last Saturday in a "spider hole" near his birthplace of Tikrit exposes the version peddled by Americans as incomplete.

According to the report in The Sunday Express, Saddam had already been handed over to Kurdish forces, who then brokered a deal with US commanders.

He was drugged and abandoned, ready for the American troops to recover him.

Bloody kids!

Meanwhile I'm surprised the Kurds didn't just kill him on the spot considering what he'd done to them.

Misunderstood

I don't who was actually singing it, Baby Don't Forget My Number by the artists claiming to be Milli Vanilli was good. Everything else they did was shit, but that's beside the point.

These helpful people have set up sites dedicated to the "Van". Somebody had to I suppose.

Incidentally did you know that their album - was it called Girl You Know It's True? I can't be arsed looking it up - is supposedly the highest selling album ever to be entirely deleted from record company catalogues? It's because some judge ruled that every single person who bought it could get a refund because they'd been duped into buying it. This means you can download all their MP3's guilt free if you want and they won't come around to your house and kick the shit out of you - or get somebody else to do it in their name.

Of course the fact that one of them topped himself five years ago would probably stop that from happening too...

Did you know?

That there are three movies on IMDB with Supermercado in the title?

Massacre no Supermercado (1968)
1,99 - Um Supermercado Que Vende Palavras (2003)
Rita va al supermercado (2000)

That massacre one sounds attractive. There'll be four when they make my life story.

I'm still going to get sued by the guy from Foxtel one day...

Worst murder coverup ever

Controversy south of the border.

A 24-year-old Mexican man is dead after reportedly playing a human piñata for some children.

A newspaper, Reforma, said the man was standing on a beam with a rope loosely tied around his neck and ropes tied around his hands and feet.

He was letting his younger brother and sister swing at him with sticks but lost his balance while trying to avoid being hit. He strangled when the rope tightened around his neck.

The kids are killers! Hang them high! Tonight on A Current Affair - who's turning Mexico's children into vicious killers - a story no human pinata victim can afford to miss.

We love the kids

And really, what did the tools who put this thing on expect?

IT was meant to be the dream end of school holidays, but it ended with a police escort off a passenger ship.

Yesterday the Pacific Sky cruise ship and its 1500 passengers returned from an out-of-control 10-day trip through the South Pacific.

During the wild week and a half, seven people were kicked off and left stranded in the islands and another five were placed under room arrest.

There was also a false man overboard claim that sparked a national rescue alert, forced the 240m vessel to circle for three hours, and cost the owners $26,000.

The kids are doing us proud. There's going to be a lot of babies born in about 9 months time.

Tick

As accurately predicted the "nude mayor" search engine frenzy has taken over in epic proportions. Is this woman a super MILF or something? Because I can't understand the attraction otherwise. It's not like she's taking it from behind in the middle of council chambers whilst signing off on a bill regulating garbage collection services in the city. Or is she? There's got to be some reason people want to see it more than they want to see any other 35 year old with her gear off.

Personally I love it. Shows where the priorities of the world lie. Fuck Saddam we want to see NORKS.

Bring back the cricketers box

May I politely enquire to the ACB as to which fuckwit sold the advertising rights to the four test matches against India to the "3" company and decide to brand it the "3 Test Series"?

What next? Are they going to flog the One Day name to the people who made that shonky cricket board game with the crappy plastic fielders ("Where's the third slip? Oh, the dog ate him") and call it the "Test Match Series"?

Incidentally I once hit a shot so perfect in that game that it flew straight back over the pissy little plastic boundary and smashed the guy I was playing it against right in the shoulder. Why bother ever playing again after that?

And anyway; if any cricket game should be brought back it's that one on the old Nintendo with copyright-defying player names (step forward star Australian batsman Jones Dean), fielders that you could rearrange by picking them up with a huge god-like hand and computer spin bowling that afforded you the chance to hit 36 runs an over. Ahh, memories.

Tool

So Saddam Hussein stays in power for the best part of 30 years, manages to evade US troops for all these months and then gets busted in a cellar, crying like a little schoolgirl (I made that bit up) in his own hometown. It's surely too easy - but they've supposedly got DNA evidence which proves it. Nice!

Surely people can't find a downside to this. Even if you thought the war was a bit dodgy (i.e - me) you've got to admit that this is a top result. I'm interested to see what happens now. He might even let on where these evil weapons of mass destruction are hidden - certainly somewhere more sophisticated than where he was you'd assume.

And if the person who turned him in and pockets the $25,000,000 reward is reading can you buy me a new phone please? Thanks!

UPDATE: And the press conference is like a bloody highschool cheerleading rally. The Iraqi people are probably watching it going "what a bunch of wankers. Bring back Saddam". Choice quote "You have the opportunity of a sovereign government...... in a few months"

Krazy Konspiracy Korner

Dealey Plaza claims it's second victim...

A man apparently shot himself to death early Friday on the "X" in Dealey Plaza that marks the spot where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated 40 years ago, authorities said.

Witnesses said they saw a man in a camouflage jacket holding a gun on his chest and lying in the middle of the street on the spray painted "X," an unofficial memorial maintained by the publisher of a local conspiracy theory publication.

"I can honestly say I've seen it all," said Ron Rice, who works at the nearby Conspiracy Museum in downtown Dallas.

Where's Oliver Stone when you need him? There was surely somebody shooting from behind the grassy knoll.

Fuck off and fuck off now

Some little cunt has stolen my hideously expensive phone. How depressing. I hope he/she dies in a fiery car wreck.

Begin the next search frenzy...

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Bah humbug (Pt 12)

I find it a tad ironic that the Myer (that's Grace Brothers for visiting Sydney heathens) Christmas windows feature "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" as it's theme this year when, as far as I can work out is a story with the moral that people don't need to get expensive presents and shit to appreciate the wonders of Xmas. Do they really understand what they're saying here? The message they're doing is essentially "You don't NEED an Xbox for christmas. The joy of the season should be enough to keep you happy. But did you know that we can sell you one for the lowest price in Melbourne anyway?" Fools. They should have done Green Eggs and Ham instead; it's got bugger all to do with the festive season but it kicks ass.

Meanwhile today I also happened to catch the Xmas thing Crown Casino/Entertainment Place are doing for the kids as well (fecking St. Nick is clearly stalking me) and I noticed a remarkable piece of guerilla marketing. Halfway through one of the jolly old carols in the middle of this sound and light show that all the kiddies were getting right into the creative genius who came up with this thing ever so subtly dropped the music from the Crown "World of Entertainment" TV ads into the background for a few seconds. This might seem insignificant, and the people I was with didn't notice it (although it was there, I'm not working on conspiracy here) but I think it's a fairly brilliant move because when the little brats darlings who were there today grow up to be old enough to gamble at the casino - or at least get fake ID's so they can - they'll associate all the good times they had at Xmas with that music and presumably flock to Crown in numbers.

Unless, of course, they get felt up by a man in a Santa suit and end up hating the whole thing. In that case they'll probably go to the movies instead.

Naturally this all hinges on them having the same jingle in eight to ten years - but they've had it for the last eight so why not stick with it. Especially if you're brainwashing the youth of the nation with it.

Get used to it

So it's been 45 years since Castro took over and the Americans are still engaged in the pipe-dream that they're going to get rid of him.

A commission set up by U.S. President George W. Bush will issue recommendations by May 1 on how the United States can hasten Cuban President Fidel Castro's fall from power without using force, the White House said on Monday.

Can't wait to see what these innovative new plans are... Something hideously inhumane like dropping leaflets on the island telling people that Fidel is a very naughty boy.

So Bush has poleaxed Iraq, repealed pro-choice laws, plans to build a base on the moon and is going to topple a dictator that eight previous presidents haven't been able to knock over. Talk about trying to write your own chapter in the history books.

Good grief

I hereby declaring the blogging craze to be dead. People are dropping at an astounding rate and Gareth Parker - one of the first people to link me and expose this rubbish to a worldwide audience - is the latest.

How depressing. The Wide World of Blog is going to have about five people on it soon.

Death in the family

People are abandoning ship on blogs all over the shop at the moment - which is a fair indication that the craze is dying. The latest is Stew who will be missed.

Cue a flashback sequence of all the good times we had reading it. Shots of Stew pointing at the Statue of Liberty from the deck of a boat just like the opening of Perfect Strangers set to "I Had the Time of My Life".

Still plenty of good bloggers left. But for how long? As for the shit blogs you'll never get rid of them and I'll be staying around forever.

Dipless

I bought a jar of Salsa today and I can't for the life of me work out how to open it.

I can't believe my life has come to this.

Punishment fits crime?

I know this guy didn't personally pull the trigger on all of the killings but surely the sentence is a tad lenient?

A former Bosnian Serb commander was sentenced Tuesday for his role in the 1995 Srebrenica massacre of more than 7,000 Muslim men and boys. Judge Liu Daqun sentenced Momir Nikolic to 27 years in jail.

Nikolic pleaded guilty in May to one count of crimes against humanity. In return for his plea, prosecutors dropped four other charges.

In July, 1995, Serb soldiers separated Muslim men and teenage boys from women and children. They then took them to nearby fields and systematically killed at least 7,000 over three days.

That's roughly 9855 days in prison if he serves the full sentance. Or 1.407 for each person killed. How shambolic.