Great Moments in History

Late 1730s France. Apprentice Printers crack the shits at working conditions. Tools down and a stopwork meeting? Not for these crazy kids:

Apprentice printers living and working on Rue Saint-Séverin in Paris suffered hard conditions and so resented the favours which their masters gave to their cats. They contrived to be ordered to deal with nuisance cats and then slaughtered sackloads of them so as to distress their masters. 

Touché Frenchies! 

This has been another TSP Great Moment in History and/or Looking at Wikipedia when you could be doing something more important

New Adventures in Shitful Marketing

Everyone knew Coca Cola's "Mother" was a financial disaster waiting to happen. Now I'm not just bitter because they replaced Sprite Recharge which was basically heroin to me, but surely everyone could see that something which tasted like creeping death and had a god-awful name (What the fuck is "Mother" supposed to do for me? Make my lunch?) was going to be the biggest bomb since World War 2 in an energy department dominated by Red Bull and V. 

 Even a year ago there were reports that the whole brand was going tits up and costing Coke a fortune, but at the time they were being bold and claiming that nothing was wrong. Coca-Cola says it is not looking at reformulating the product and will be relying on its marketing muscle to change consumers' attitudes. Yesterday Coca-Cola Amatil, the principal Coca-Cola licensee in Australia, said the results were "fantastic", citing 84 per cent awareness of the brand, a growth in the overall market since its entry and the fact that its market share was more than twice that of the brand it replaced, Sprite Recharge. 

Twice the market share. A quarter the taste. Anyway, a year later and further financial bleeding and they've finally pulled the pin. But instead of realising that they cocked up and coming up with something new they've gone for a "wacky" relaunching strategy that has got farce written all over it. Coca-Cola Australia has kicked off its relaunch of energy drink Mother this month Spearheaded by a new TVC, the ad pokes fun at the old formulation, seeing a SWAT team hunting down those responsible for the original – and unsuccessful - Mother formulation.

The can even says "Tastes nothing like the original". So, what you're basically saying to me is that you've got no idea what you're doing and that the last product that your intelligent boffins created tasted like cats piss. Why, then am I buying your fancy new product? I fail to understand just why you would keep the same name as a failed product and admit that it was a cock-up. There's a meeting I would have loved to have sat in on. I guess their excuse is that they already have 'brand awareness', but no help when that's people being aware that your product is utter balls. Energy drink fans - you decide. 

P.S - This post will amazingly disappear should the product go absolutely nuts and become the fastest selling corporate item since the Tickle Me Elmo. Don't hold your breath.

[Note from 15 years in the future - turns out the new formula did pretty well. Oops]

Phone Rage

What's the worst thing about having to ring up Telstra? 

a) The bit where you've got to tell them "in a few words" what you want, and it doesn't matter what you say you always get sent to the same people. 

b) Being on hold for two hours because either they're too cheap to hire more than 15 phone operators, or because Ethel from Niddrie is busy talking to the operator about her cat and how it's a disgrace that the kids are using her local phonebooth as a toilet. 

c) Having to listen to some cock singing "I am, you are, we are Australian" over, and over, and over again while you wait. I don't give a toss if you're Peruvian, just answer my fucking call. 

I've also noticed that the operators now answer the call with "Hi, this is X from Victoria" just so you know that they're Australian and you're not talking to Karachi. How comforting. Can we just sell this farce of a company off completely already? Thank christ all I have to do is change one address and I never have to deal with these freaks again.

I Wnt 2 Tch Yr Bdy Of Crist

Hands up anyone who thinks this is legit, 

PILGRIMS of World Youth Day (WYD) will receive a second text message of inspiration from the Pope this morning. Pope Benedict XVI has gone high-tech, using the advances of mobile phones to SMS thousands of young pilgrims with a daily message. 

Today's message, due to go out around 10am (AEST), will say: "The Holy Spirit gave the Apostles and gives u the power boldly 2 proclaim that Christ is risen! - BXVI." 

\As part of the Catholic festival, Telstra has provided the service and has erected eight temporary base stations to allow young pilgrims to send text messages to family and friends. Four giant digital "prayer wall" screens have also been erected at the Sydney Opera House, the Domain, Darling Harbour and Randwick Racecourse. Pilgrims who sign up will also be able to send a message to the giant prayer walls. Telstra mobile customers can subscribe to the free service by texting the word Pope to 0400 405 111 to receive the daily messages. 

As an added bonus when you text Pope you're also helping to save him from eviction from the Big Brother house. (Oh, Channel 10 - why did you have to axe the show and ruin those sorts of cheap gags?) 

Has anyone noticed that for a "day" this thing seems to have gone on for about 2 weeks? I'm all for people coming here and getting their religion on if that's what floats their ark but the chances are if I lived in Sydney I'd have had a nervous breakdown already at having the whole place grind to a standstill so people can dance around a cross a'la the Maypole. It was bad enough the other day when some Spanish types set up inside Spencer Street Station and started prancing and chanting. Try it yourself next week and see how long it takes to get "asked to move on". 

When you don't renew your membership at a footy club the players start ringing you up and asking you to get on board. Is there any danger as an alleged former Catholic (well, there was certainly some dunking in water as a child - I've seen the pictures) that the Pope is going to send me a text and try and rope me in to some hot Christian action? Unfortunately, as of last Sunday my religion is officially listed as "The Melbourne backline" so I'll be unable to participate.

Lovers of Quality Television Unite

Now, I'm not suggesting Channel Nine has hit absolute rock bottom and may as well sell the whole station back to Alan Bond for all the good it's going to do them but.... 

ONE of the most famous stories in the history of Australian commercial television is about to have its ending rewritten. On September 4, 1992, when Kerry Packer was still running the Nine Network, he ordered Doug Mulray's Naughtiest Home Video Show off the air halfway through a broadcast. 

Offended by the home video clips of a couple making love, and dogs and cats trying to mate with different animals, Packer telephoned the presentation department at the station and network presentation manager Michael Healy at home. There was no discussion. Packer simply said: "Get this shit off the air." So the show was pulled after just 34 minutes and replaced by re-runs of Cheers. 

Sixteen years on, and three years after the death of Packer, it was assumed the program had been lost. That was until head of factual television John McAvoy went searching for it, eventually uncovering an old broadcast quality tape on a dusty bookshelf in the bowels of TCN9, in Sydney's leafy Willoughby. Now the chief programmer at Nine, Healy watched the tape and decided it deserved another airing. A date for the broadcast has yet to be decided. Billed as "the show Kerry Packer didn't want you to see" Diary reckons it will be a hit, albeit a one-off. 

So, the lesson is clear. When you've tried everything and are still getting murdered in the ratings after years of being on top you turn to a clip show featuring somebody fondling a Kangaroo's klacker. The way is definately clear back to the top of the ratings at Nine. 'Still the One' my arse. The only way I'll pay this as a great moment in the history of Australian TV programming is if they wait for the exact moment that Packer dragged it off the air and do the same. Everyone will be sitting there waiting to see just what Doug Mulray had next and then *bang* off it goes and on comes the same episode of Cheers that replaced it all those years ago. Follow it with the same episode of Nightline as well if you want to be really confusing.

In case they don't have the rights to Cheers anymore may I suggest any of the other fine fill-in programs that Nine used to drag out whenever the cricket would end early... Night Court, Wings, The John Larroquette Show, 18 Foot Skiff Racing from Sydney Harbour, Ten-Pin Bowling. The possibilities are endless.

Lovers of Quality TV Unite

Now, I don't want to suggest that Channel 9 have hit absolute rock bottom and may as well sell out to Alan Bond again for all the good it will do them in the ratings but....

ONE of the most famous stories in the history of Australian commercial television is about to have its ending rewritten. On September 4, 1992, when Kerry Packer was still running the Nine Network, he ordered Doug Mulray's Naughtiest Home Video Show off the air halfway through a broadcast. Offended by the home video clips of a couple making love, and dogs and cats trying to mate with different animals, Packer telephoned the presentation department at the station and network presentation manager Michael Healy at home. There was no discussion. Packer simply said: "Get this shit off the air." So the show was pulled after just 34 minutes and replaced by re-runs of Cheers.

Sixteen years on, and three years after the death of Packer, it was assumed the program had been lost. That was until head of factual television John McAvoy went searching for it, eventually uncovering an old broadcast quality tape on a dusty bookshelf in the bowels of TCN9, in Sydney's leafy Willoughby. Now the chief programmer at Nine, Healy watched the tape and decided it deserved another airing. A date for the broadcast has yet to be decided. Billed as "the show Kerry Packer didn't want you to see" Diary reckons it will be a hit, albeit a one-off.

So, when going gets tough and everything's going south the network that's apparently "Still the one" turn to a show featuring people fondling the knackers of a kangaroo.

The only way I'll accept this as a great piece of television programming is if they get to exactly the same moment they did the first time and once again rip it off air for a repeat of Cheers.

iWhinge

Welcome to the IPhone. Queue panic purchasing by every man and their dog. Remember Krispy Kreme? Probably not, but those of you who can cast their mind back to the heady days of 2006 (you know, when Melbourne played finals and some old mate called John Howard was PM) will recall a time where thousands flocked to the outer suburbs, and later the city, to buy thousands of donuts that they didn't really need just because it was new and exciting. Oh, what an era - it was there that the groundwork was laid for a national obesity crisis. Now who's talking donuts? Nobody that's who.

And now it's a mobile phone that apparently does some sick shit. Wowee, let me at it - I have to have one TODAY. That's NOW. Not tomorrow god forbid. I had the misfortune of hearing a radio playing the Fox earlier and some woman was on almost having convulsions over the suggestion that they were going to give her a free one. I hope the friends and acquaintances are suitably impressed. In fact I hope that somebody manages to use the fact that they own one to pick up sometime on the weekend because it's the only possible way that it could enhance your life as much as anyone is claiming it will.

How come nobody ever kicked a store door in to get a Nokia 3310? I mean not only could you play Snake 2 but you could put different covers on it. OH! MY! GOD!

So, if you queued up all night or got up at an ungodly hour of the morning just to buy a mobile phone (and you know who you are 2.0) then have a good lie down and seek immediate treatment. The good news is that the only people who are bigger nutbags than you are the ones who got them from America months ago and hacked them to work here.

P.S - At least it's probably more usable than the Ipod. Those things should be thrown into the Yarra and allowed to float away.

Bolty on the Buttons

Everyone loves a good newspaper 'comments' section. Especially Mediawatch, because it's usually full of nutbags. Take this story for instance.

Once again you can debate the whole arts issue until the cows come home, I don't give a rats - I just think it's interesting that comments written by certain people *ahem* likening the other readers to Andrew Bolt groupies who should stick to picketing art galleries somehow get caught in the moderation net and yet well thought out ones such as this do,

The Age is harbouring a sick culture, it has an illness.

Posted by: james 4:17pm today
Comment 47 of 55

That's all we've got time for on MediaWatch tonight. I'm Stuart Littlemore.

Great Moments In The History Of Sleep

So, I'm a shithouse sleeper. Nothing for you to be concerned about (or is it ladies? Rowr! Oh god, now I've made myself ill..), but a prick of a way to live your life. Sure I can sleep - if it's in a bed, everything is quiet, the temperature is right and I can turn my hyperactive mind off for ten minutes but it's when things don't work like this that the fun and games begin. A barking dog? Nervous breakdown territory. Car alarms? Welcome to suicide watch. The ticking crossing signal right outside my bedroom window when I lived in St. Kilda? You may remember that I went outside and tried to smash that one glorious summer morning in early 2004.

So, if the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars I can usually sleep - but god knows what goes on when I do because apparently it's like a fun house attraction full of wild scenes. Look, he's having hardcore nightmares! Not that I can remember them. See Adam start yelling things out in French even though he hasn't learnt squat since Year 8! Oh, he's plummetted out of bed onto the floor like a failed It's A Knockout contestant. It's all the fun of the fair in my bedroom for all the wrong reasons.

Then waking up is another thing. For the first half an hour I'm a mess of the highest order - like a Zombie half summoned from beyond the grave. And so it was that last night I ended up at a sleep disorder clinic with more wires and attachments on me than Robocop. Tubes up the nose, ECG's running riot, finger pulse things going nuts and a video camera watching events unfold live. So, as the fussiest sleeper in history do you think there was any danger whatsoever that I would be able to get enough sleep under those conditions to give any sort of meaningful data. Well, you'd be surprised but it was a close run thing. Thanks to the referring doctor who told me that it was ok if you freaked out because they've got mountains of sleeping pills that they can dish out to put you into a coma. Thanks for freaking nothing because when I woke up and asked for them to, as the kids say "Give me all your drugs you bastards", it turned out that they couldn't give you squat unless the specialist recommended it. What a farce. Somehow, despite all this and having more electrodes attached to my scalp than Ted Bundy in the electric chair I got away with it.

They finally let me go at 6 this morning, and what a hillarious drive that was home - half out of it, in hardcore fog and with a truckload of goo in my hair either from where the wires had been attached or where the night nurse dude had gotten a bit bored at 4am. What a shambles.

Lost Video Classix

Remember Shampoo? That's the band, not the consumer product. Anyway you probably remember them for the colossal one hit wonder that was "Trouble" (basically Caught By The Fuzz sung by girls). 

That was shit. This is Bouffant Headbutt - it's ace. This song told you everything you needed to know about Chav culture years before Little Britain came out with that rubbish bird in the pink tracksuit. 

 

 

Is it wrong that I find this video hot? Survey says yes it is.

Kontroversy Korner

I'm pretty sure I know where I stand in the grand "Is it art, or is that Gary Glitter I see lurking out the front?" debate that's going on at the moment. As far as I'm aware perves are rarely seen whacking it in art galleries, especially when there's this new fangled gadget called the internet that the punters are really getting into.

But now, just when people went back to thinking that Bill Henson was that guy who created the Muppets, a magazine has upped the ante with a selection of allegedly fruity shots.

The young girl whose naked photo appeared on the cover of an arts magazine, sparking a new controversy, has defended the picture, saying she is proud of it.

Art Monthly Australia magazine sparked fresh outrage over naked images of children by publishing an image of a six-year-old Olympia Nelson on its July cover and two shots inside.

The magazine's editors said the images were chosen as a protest against the recent furore over similar pictures by artist Bill Henson.

Now, you can weight in to this debate however you like. Whether you're in the Konservative Kevin Prime Ministerial camp, are personally offended and am getting ready to go all "Danish cartoons" on their ass or whether like me you don't particuarly give a rats ass there's one scenario I want you to consider.

You're an arts lover. Every month you get down to your local newsagent to grab a copy of Art Monthly Australia. Suddenly this month you bound into your local, take a look at the front cover, think "shit they're desperate for a few sales, I must subscribe", grab your copy and head up to the counter. The person serving you takes one look at the famous magazine, realises that you're some kind of evil massive super pervert even though you're actually not and starts openly verbally abusing you for being a disgraceful human being in front of an entire store of concerned citizens. Another service that Art Monthly magazine provides to their loyal readers! My money's on their sales actually dropping this month but then all the freaks and longtime readers trying to get back copies off Ebay, where they will instantly be dismissed from being listed after this woman has a nervous breakdown and goes on A Current Affair.

P.S - Next time somebody shows you a shot of their newborn baby PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE AND CALL THE COPS. How dare they? The sick perves.

P.P.S - If you came here via Google looking for the fruity shots I'm afraid you probably do need to have a good hard look at yourself.

Fat Bastards Corner

Somebody in the Cadbury marketing department who is due a massive raise. 

Ever since I was a kid the process of buying a Crunchie from a store consisted largely of standing there for five minutes poking at individual bars to try and work out which one hadn't broken in the middle and shattered into a thousand shards of honeycomb. Like the good consumers we are everyone just put up with this - but now some genius has come up with an idea so simple that it's offensive that nobody thought of it earlier. Split the Crunchie in half at the factory. 

Suddenly the standard package is being sold as a "twin" pack. So simple. No more shatter, no more mess, no more dirty looks from the guy behind the counter at 7/11 who is wondering why you're fingering his confectionary.

Sucked in Violet Crumble customers, those of us in the real honeycomb faction are laughing. 

P.S - Yes, I am overweight.

International Security Update

Rescuing hostages from Colombian terrorists. That's a good thing. Calling your terrorist group FARC in the first place, we all know that's an even better thing. But misplaced faith? That's just nuts.

Appearing healthy after being held hostage for six years in the jungle, Betancourt, walked down from a Colombian military jet in Bogota on Wednesday and hugged her mother and husband, a broad smile on her face.

"God carried out this miracle," she said. "This is a miracle because I know that all of you suffered with my family, my children, with me. This is a moment of pride for all of Colombia for such a perfect operation."


Shame he was noticeable in his absence when you were being snatched by Guerillas and held in a freaking jungle for the last six years. Thanks God for finally deciding to kick in to the rescue efforts after all these years.

Community Service Announcement

If I ever, EVER, express any desire to watch the movie or stage play of Mamma Mia I humbly request that you take an object (blunt or sharp - stabber's choice!) and gouge out both my eyes and my ears so that I can enjoy it as it was meant to be enjoyed.

Over and out kiddies.