Whoo!

Spin Starts Here rules;

In a statement the Pope said:

“OMG WTF???? ROFL!!!!!11!! U R A BUNCH OF FAGZ!!1!!!!

I AM DA P0p3 N AM DA 1337est!!!! U Hax0rZ R GHEYZ!1!!!!!”

Come on down! And then piss off again

The Price is Right is back on Australian television tomorrow at 5:30pm. And it's hosted by Larry Emdur too. Have we not moved on from 1997 yet?

I won't take this new incarnation seriously until some nutcase creates a website to archive how often each mini-game is played like this American nutbag.

Seriously though, couldn't we do something a bit different? Who could possibly object to seeing the return of Supermarket Sweep or Press Your Luck hosted by Ian Turpie? The two greatest game shows of our time, sadly neglected.

Emdur out! Turpie in!

A highbrow evening in Melbourne

Classy way to spend a Saturday night. At the Greyhound Racing in Broadmeadows. $5 entry, free parking and a guaranteed good night out for all. Especially if you're picking winners left, right and centre like I was.

Tonight just galvanised the dream of buying a dog and naming it after our (faltering severely) indoor soccer team - that's Chickempron Submarine for those who came in late. If we get enough people to go in on the scam idea it might just work.

UPDATE - I forgot to mention that whilst I saw plenty of 'colorful racing identities' (i.e potential crooks) there were no sightings of men in trenchcoats kicking dogs or injecting them with large quantities of canine steroids. Which was disappointing. Maybe next time!

Failed footy tips ahoy

Way back, in a long gone era (Sunday March 2nd to be precise) I made a bold prediction of how the final AFL ladder would pan out. Let's analyse those selections now, and see just how wrong I was.

Port Adelaide
Pre-Season Prediction - 1st
Actual Place - 1st
Mid-Season Prediction - 3rd

No idea how they're top. Maybe I just can't understand how any team could successfully manage to make Melbourne look good and still be atop the ladder at the halfway mark of the season

Brisbane
Pre-Season Prediction - 2nd
Actual Place - 3rd
Mid-Season Prediction - 1st

Hit by the kind of shocking injury run that they managed to avoid the past two seasons and were absolutely porked by the red-hot West Coast last round but they'll still finish top. Not entirely sure they're going to win the whole thing though.

Adelaide
Pre-Season Prediction - 3rd
Actual Place - 7th
Mid-Season Prediction - 5th

Strange to see them as the worst of the interstate clubs but have been a bit disappointing so far. I've no doubts they'll get better, but their finals series may very well be a one game affair this year.

Geelong
Pre-Season Prediction - 4th
Actual Place - 14th
Mid-Season Prediction - 12th

Whoa, what was I thinking here? Must have been seduced by the half-decent performance of a young team last year and the fact that they've got a jolly theme song.

St. Kilda
Pre-Season Prediction - 5th
Actual Place - 10th
Mid-Season Prediction - 9th

Who can tell with this bunch of idiots? Beat a good team one week, get flogged by some duds the next. Sack one of your ruckmen and watch the rest go down with injuries at a record setting pace. They'll probably win the bloody Premiership now just to irritate me.

Collingwood
Pre-Season Prediction - 6th
Actual Place - 8th
Mid-Season Prediction - 8th

I stand by my prediction of the Magpies entering the kind of post-Grand Final hell that both St. Kilda and Melbourne experienced after their appearances in the big game. They won't even make the 8 next year, so enjoy it while you can Pies fans.

Hawthorn
Pre-Season Prediction - 7th
Actual Place - 12th
Mid-Season Prediction - 11th

Look to have got their season back into gear after Schwab was inches away from being out of a job two months ago. Some mentalists are even talking finals - which is a bit over the top if you ask me. Still, the coach will survive and they'll be a good side next year - which is more than we can say for some teams.

Fremantle
Pre-Season Prediction - 8th
Actual Place - 5th
Mid-Season Prediction - 4th

Happy to say that I'm one of the few who tipped the Dockers to make the 8 this year. I might have even ranked them higher were they not the kind of team to implode at the slightest hint of pressure. Who knows, they still might. Probably not a Grand Final contender, but it would be quite comical if they did make it.

West Coast
Pre-Season Prediction - 9th
Actual Place - 2nd
Mid-Season Prediction - 2nd

Didn't think they'd be able to maintain their shock good form of last year but I was wrong. So wrong in fact that I'm tipping them to go on and win the whole thing. That'll jinx them then.

Essendon
Pre-Season Prediction - 10th
Actual Place - 11th
Mid-Season Prediction - 10th

Past it. Extremely mediocre. Next.

Melbourne
Pre-Season Prediction - 11th
Actual Place - 15th
Mid-Season Prediction - 16th

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I thought I was being the ultimate pessimist picking us to not only miss the 8 but miss it by a mile but it turns out I was actually being optimistic. Clearly the worst side in the competition at the moment and an absolute lock to finish last. Will be lucky to win another game this year.

North Melbourne
Pre-Season Prediction - 12th
Actual Place - 6th
Mid-Season Prediction - 7th

Won four in a row, had a draw, lost the next four and now they've won four. What the fark is going on there? Still likely to cause an upset and make the eight. I can safely say that if it ends up as interstate madness in the finals I'll be going for them.

Footscray
Pre-Season Prediction - 13th
Actual Place - 16th
Mid-Season Prediction - 15th

Were never going to do anything this year, but the actual extent of their absymal performances this year have been a shock. Three times they've thrown away games against far better teams and will win a few more before the end of the year. Must be looking forward to their game against Melbourne with some glee.

Sydney
Pre-Season Prediction - 14th
Actual Place - 4th
Mid-Season Prediction - 6th

Excellent list of youngsters, but they'll struggle to keep the intensity going for the whole year. Surely Barry Hall is only a couple of weeks away from doing something majorly stupid, getting suspended for five weeks and blowing the whole year for them. I predict he'll headbutt somebody.

Carlton
Pre-Season Prediction - 15th
Actual Place - 13th
Mid-Season Prediction - 14th

Expected to be shit. Are shit, but better than some. It's going to get progressively worse for them over the next couple of years - so Blues fans should enjoy only being semi-terrible this year. More people looking forward to an easy win when they play us.

Richmond
Pre-Season Prediction - 16th
Actual Place - 9th
Mid-Season Prediction - 13th

So, they're not going to finish last. Got that one wrong. But all the yellow and black mutants who thought they were going to snap the Premiership drought as the side sat second on the ladder a few months back had better get ready to wait a few more years because they've hit the wall and are absolutely no chance to see September action.

The others...

Port Adelaide to beat Brisbane in the GF
Can't see it happening now. I'm going for a West Coast-Brisbane GF with the Eagles winning.

Peter Bell (Fremantle) to win the Brownlow
Almost certainly not, but he'll surely run in the top 10.

Matthew Lloyd (Essendon) to be a one man team and win the Coleman
Well, I'm right on track here. Two out of 19 isn't too bad is it? IS IT?

What I Saw Today

Melbourne has been infested by Rugby Union (aka: Kick and Clap) fans. It's really disturbing, they're everywhere. Unfortunately the large group of England fans who were walking down Elizabeth Street didn't stop to engage in some of the conduct much loved by their football fan brothers and throw somebody through the window of a bottle store.

The other strange thing I saw/heard was a punk singing Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" at the top of his voice whilst I was trying to play the No Fear pinball machine.

Crazy days.

Life Kills

Pro-Life types are generally morons. So says Caz, and I agree wholeheartedly. See my 10,000 posts on the same subject in the past - no links required there's enough of 'em.

Try this excerpt from her rant on for size -

The quiet ones didn’t bother me so much. They’d just kneel there for hours praying for the “murdered souls”, silently waving their placards. They’d wheel out disabled and deformed people in wheelchairs for the sympathy vote too, as if to say “What if our parents had aborted us?” This one old dude had this cardboard box with Astroturf in it and plastic fetuses. I used to ask him how much it cost to get a raffle ticket in the meat tray draw and get him all riled up. Ha!

Pure genius.

It's a funeral

I just saw an ad for that useless Channel 7 comedy show Big Bite and dear me what a complete mess that looked like. Taking the piss out of wacky foreign people on SBS - welcome to 1991. Jokes about Greg Matthews hair? That's a bit more contemporary, say 1995 at the best. And some pissweak comedy stuntman that couldn't be more ripped off from Shitscared and All Aussie Adventures if it tried. 

Is sketch comedy in Australia dead? In this reporter's opinion, yes.

Crazy Melbourne #1

The National Gallery in Melbourne has been under reconstruction for years now. I last went there in 1997 I think and it's definately been shut down since at least '99. They say it's opening again in November this year, but that's about the forty-third different reopening date they've given in the past couple of years so I'll believe it when I see it.

Anyway, all the outside of the building has been good for in that time is hosting a flame-war between various factions of Melbourne psychopaths on the yellow construction walls. Usually it's some far left-wing knobs writing stuff about how Howard/Bush/Israel = KKK/Hitler/Great Satan or something but once in a while the other side fires up and you get some great thesis about what complete bastards the Palestinians are. Every few days the wall will be wiped clean (even though you can still see most of what was written left underneath) and the process starts all over again.

Recently, though, the hippies have started to express a bizarre desire for the welfare of poultry and related products. Last week it was "Save Chickens, not People" and after a couple of other livestock related 'posts' they've come up with the greatest piece of graffiti ever. In five foot high letters on the Southbank Boulevard side of the wall it now says;

"GIVE ME CHICKEN OR GIVE ME DEATH"

Pure genius! It's the best thing an anarchist has ever done.

It's very hard to come up with catchy titles all the time isn't it?

A day off blogging, my phone line died AGAIN. And I had to wait for Telstra to come and fix it AGAIN. This has happened the last two times it's pissed down raining and will probably happen again next time.

During all this I had a horrible revelation last night. For years, ever since it's release, I've slagged off that Alanis Morrisette song "Ironic" for trying to pass off several different scenarios as irony when they're clearly not. It only came to me at about 7pm last night that maybe the whole point to the song was to be ironic about the fact that she was singing a song about irony that contained none. If you know what I mean, I can't explain it.

I hope not though, I'd hate to have been scammed by a perennial 'where-are-they-now' candidate like Alanis

Californian political update

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Californian Governor?

If that's not the biggest publicity stunt ever I'd be surprised. New blockbuster movie comes out, Arnold gets his name plastered across the worldwide press - film makes much money and everyone is happy as political ambitions are quickly forgotten. Well, actually I suppose the whole Jesus making a comeback three-days after being nailed to a cross was probably a bigger stunt but the validity of that story has always worried me so we'll give the nod to Arnie on this one.

Pop quiz

Which of these men is a clown?



If you said the three idiots posing with Ronald McDonald you'd be right.

Company executives feel so confident that on Wednesday they announced plans for its first global ad campaign. The new theme: "I'm lovin' it."

The campaign will attempt to reinvent McDonald's as a place for the young and hip — and not just for the Happy Meal set.

A burger made by spotty 15-year-olds being paid $25 a week? I'm lovin' it!

I can honestly say I must be the only person in Australia never to have worked in fast food. I filled in an application for KFC once, but on their personality test I filled in the question "Are you an angry person" honestly and said "all the time!" It had been a bad day. It's always a bad day.

He's Back

The question of whatever happened to my old sparring partner Voice of the G (see somewhere on the blogspot site, I can't find the link for the life of me) has been solved.

He's doing an ad for some riggy property deal going down in Melbourne. And I thought he must have been dead.

No sign of a comeback rendition of "Nothing Beats the Footy at the MCG" though, (un)fortunately.

Terrific Irony

Some kids from Milton Keynes make a model of the rancid little hockey stadium their pissy football team will play in one day (not before 2014 at this rate though) and win a trip to the Millenium Eye - an overpriced and useless project much like the Franchise themselves - for their efforts.

Milton Keynes steals football team from London and then sends kids there as a prize. Are they secretly admitting that MK is a shithole or what?

And to prove what a mad and sick place MK is the second place-getters won a trip to France. How is that a worse prize than a trip to a fairground attraction? Do they have to meet Jacques Chirac or something?

Oh dear

The great MX (crappy free Melbourne newspaper) boycott continues, but on the way home I was looking over somebody's shoulder at the 'news in brief' column and saw a headline that surely only made it in as part of an "I bet you won't print that" competition.

Man fingered over sex attack

What were they thinking?

Talkback hosts are morons. Shock! Horror!

FromHBD comes this tale of outrage and disgust from two of Sydney's most prominent equal rights advocates *cough*

Two gay Sydney males, who hug each other and appear to sleep in the same bed, were beaming into our living rooms via a new reality program, The Block, at the baked-beans-on-toast timeslot of 6.30pm Sunday.
That's as prime time as television gets and all this, reproved 2UE broadcasters Steve Price and John Laws, was courtesy of the trusted Nine Network.
Further, argued Price, the former Melbourne broadcaster, it was presented by kid-friendly Jamie Durie.
"I just have a query about why Channel Nine needed to include a gay couple in the mix," said Price, just after 8am last Monday. "Two blokes. Nice enough guys, I guess... [but] I can tell you that The Block will attract a lot of kids, a lot of viewers under the age of 10.
"Do I really need that conversation late on a Sunday at the end of a great weekend of relaxation? Do we really need to know these blokes like to renovate in their undies?" [...]
Last week, Price said to Laws: "Once Kerry Packer gets hold of this there's going to be trouble."
Laws: "I don't know what's happened to Kerry's taste. He probably doesn't know that's on at 6.30."

SWEET JESUS NO! They sleep in the same bed? Well, I can feel society's moral code crumbling all around us. Let's all go out and beat up a priest and burn a church down now shall we? It's called real life you bogans.

Of course Price probably needs to generate some controversy to justify his absolutely shithouse ratings. I stopped listening to talkback radio when that idiot Stan Zemanek appeared in Melbourne, and I've just realised why I never went back to listening to it when he got the sack.

You know who'd go really well on talkback radio? Me! Alert your local struggling radio station. I'll work cheap.

Ranking Some Stuff

Australian Football is about the only sport where theme songs are an important part of the pre and post-match ritual. Sure, other sports have tried to horn in on the craze (I'm thinking of the frankly awful songs played by the Melbourne Storm and Canberra Raiders of the NRL, amongst others) but nobody quite got it right. Witness, for instance, the frankly awful "Superbowl Shuffle" as performed by the 1985 Chicago Bears. So, in the spirit of controversy I hereby present the Premier League of AFL Club songs. I leave out Melbourne's fine effort because I'm naturally biased against it. 1 - Richmond Almost universally recognised as the best in the business, and rightly so. It's even got that "Yellow and Black!" bit that even the people who are too lazy to sing the song will do. Beat that everybody. 2 - Geelong Failed a bit when they needlessly added a second verse around 1998. Then they got rid of that and rightfully regained their finals spot - at least in this competition. Awful team (Brent Grgic anyone?), but a great tune. 3 - Collingwood I met this tool once who claimed to be a Pies fan but said he hates the song. But, I said "Who else would get away with saying "Cor Blimey!" randomly in the middle of their tune?" He didn't agree so I never spoke to him again. It was a bit presumptuous to be singing "Oh, the Premierships a cakewalk" when they won their first game in Round 10 a few years back but now that they're good again it's ok. I'll be listening to this played at least twice tomorrow afternoon, so it's best to be on acceptable terms with it. 4 - Fremantle Hated by 99.9% of people outside of Western Australia. I like it though, it's funky. The only example of a club song not stolen from another song and not sung by old men to be any good. Little know trivia corner - If Melbourne and Hawthorn had merged at the end of 1996 I was going to half-heartedly support the Dockers. 5 - Adelaide Was pretty rank in their first few years when they mentioned their sponsors name like 25 times every time they sung it, but it's good now. Being ripped off from a military song and all it makes me want to go out and invade a small Middle Eastern country every time I hear it. 6 - Brisbane For something ripped off from the French it's surprisingly good. Much better than the absolutely shithouse old Brisbane Bears theme (some trash sung to the tune of "Glory Glory Hallelujah"). Just after the merger when they were crap we used to joke that the song and the mascot were the only half decent thing they'd got from Fitzroy. Then they started dominating the competition and we shut the hell up. 7 - Hawthorn I've always been a bit suss about the line "Teamwork is the thing that talks", but apart from that it's quite good. I'd willingly sing along to this were I capable of supporting a team that plays in brown. 8 - North Melbourne Would have ranked top 5 before the idiots on their board decided to replace every mention of North Melbourne with "The Kangas" in the song. It only ranks this high because the players steadfastly refuse to do the new wankfest version and sing the original in the rooms instead. And rightly so too. 9 - Essendon It's not really that bad, it just doesn't compare with those ranked above it. Might have finished just outside the top 8, but was never in contention for the finals. 10 - Carlton Well it's something different. Doesn't mean it's any good though. The trombone bit at the start always reminds me of the music you hear in a 1930's film when they show a fat guy walking down the road. 11 - Sydney It's all about "Shaking thunder from the sky" and bollox like that. Much like the Swan itself it's hardly a fearsome tune. And when they play in Melbourne you get some bizarre "Up There Cazaly" ripoff instead. What's up with that? 12 - St. Kilda They could have disguised the shameless rip-off from "When the Saints Go Marching In" a little bit better. But they didn't. The good news is that by finishing 12th on this ladder that automatically makes them better in the theme song stakes than they have been on the football field for years. 13 - Western Bulldogs Pretty shite. When they were Footscray this was half decent. Not anymore. 14 - West Coast They're the Eagles. The West Coast Eagles. They're big birds or something and this song is farking awful. Luckily for them there's always somebody worse off...... 15 - Port Adelaide Nooooo! There are just so many things wrong with this it's not funny. Let's take a quick look at the lyrics shall we? We've got the Power to win Power to rule Come on, Port Adelaide aggression We are the Power from Port It's more than a sport It's the true Port Adelaide tradition We'll never stop, stop, stop Till we're top, top, top There's history here in the making We've got the Power to win We'll never give in Till the flag is ours for the taking POWER!!! That'll do. There's a lot more but it's all vomitous. Stop, stop, stop? Drop, drop, drop? Who came up with this shit? Sadly no amount of writing can do justice to it, you've got to hear the rubbish to have any understanding of how bad it is.

Great Moments in Politics

What: Kennett and Peacock vs Howard. On a phone. 

When: March 23rd, 1987 

JK: He got on the phone and said are you happy with the result, and I said "No I'm not", and he said "Why?" and I said "Without your front pages and total (inaudible) I'd have had ten percent swing. I would have got myself another four and you've fucked it up for me and he went off his brain. 

AP: Oh did he? 

JK: And he went off his brain trying to (inaudible) 

AP: He went off his brain? 

JK: And I said... 

AP: And HE went off his brain? 

JK: He said to me "I didn't like the way you kept me out of the campaign". I said "Wouldn't have you in it, and I didn't have any federal people in it." 

AP: Well you didn't have me. Didn't have anyone. 

JK: And I said to him "Tomorrow, I'm going to bucket the whole lot of you" 

AP: No! Don't do that Jeffrey. 

JK: Well. I said "Tomorrow John" and he said "I know where your sympathies lie" and I said "I don't give a fuck. I have no sympathies any more. You're all a pack of shits and tomorrow I'm going bezerk". Well he went off his brain and in the end I said to him, I said "Howard. You're a cunt. You haven't got my support, you never will have and I'm not going to rubbish you or the party tomorrow but I feel a lot better having told you you're a cunt" 

AP: Oh shit! 

JK: And the poor little fellow didn't know whether he was Arthur or Martha 

AP: Oh shit! 

JK: (laughing) I just thought I should let you know. 

AP: Well, tomorrow you are humbled. You do feel better. And I am getting out of that car. I've told you. I told Margaret, I said "Tomorrow I'm just gonna get out of that fuckin' car and say this is not Howard's day, it's not my day, it's not Carla's day, it's not anyone's day, not Richie's day. This is a day for Jeffrey Kennett" And I was thinking that I'd go in even earlier, and even if only a third of the bastards were there I was gonna go and grab the mic and say this is unprecedented. This in the midst of the most horrific difficulties and I faced 'em when I was the leader in by-elections, we haven't had 'em for some years. We had a great win yesterday, and the only person who is deserving. Not just earnt it, but deserving of support is Jeffrey Kennett and if you don't give him everything then you're letting down the Liberals. 

JK: Well, all I can say. I thought I should let you know where I ended up with your little mate... 

AP: Well, fuck him. I'm not worried. I just.. I almost bloody cried. I was terribly worried. I was terribly worried. My fuckin' anger yesterday as Margaret knows. First thing I came in last night I said "Oh, fuckin' cunt! I said the whole fuckin' thing could upset tomorrow" I was really... And she was saying "What's Jeffrey done?" and I was saying "It's not what Jeffrey's done. It's what everyone's fucking done to Jeffrey"

JK: Well. I think we came out of it alright and certainly... 

AP: Alright? The news reports. Have you seen what they're saying on the television? 

JK: No AP: They're saying "Labor down 7%" Cain is claiming on a two party preferred vote - and don't you let that cunt get away with that - it's only 2%. They're saying the Joh campaign has stopped in it's tracks. In one part of the three state electorates it's something like 2 to 3% down on the last vote and the Liberal Party will walk in. 

JK: Well. We won on primaries in every lower house seat. And even in the National Party seats. So it's a fantastic... 

AP: Well, exactly. That's what I interpreted from it. Mate I didn't have the details, I was just going to talk to you. And don't you (inaudible) me. This is Jeff Kennett's day. 

JK: Well. It's been a good result. But anyway. Howard won't know whether he's Arthur or Martha. AP: I know. But you feel better? 

JK: Oh yes 

AP: Be humble. Everyone's gonna say "You are the greatest leader" since sliced bread mate. 

JK: It's a good all-rounder AP: Where are you? 

JK: I'm on the way home. I'm going home and having a reasonably early night and I will see you tomorrow. 

AP: I've got to sit in the chair about four or five rows back from the front. And I'll allow Howard, after he's had his tumultuous reception to come down and sit next to me and be photographed together smiling 

JK: Oh, how pathetic 

AP: I would do that 

JK: How pathetic 

AP: Yeah but I'm doing it on the basis of when I get out, and when I talk because they'll be chasing me because of the federal issues I'm just gonna talk Kennett. I knew it was gonna happen, and it should have been fuckin' better but it would have been better despite those difficulties 

JK: Well there's two points. One is the federal difficulties. The other point is the way Cain bloody tried to decieve the electorate on this bloody price control 

AP: That's right 

JK: And the good thing about it.... 

AP: Be humble mate 

JK: Oh, I know.

 AP: They're behind you. So you don't have to... 

JK: The thing is we didn't (inaudible) like Cain and the National Party did to try and win political support. We might have lost some votes on that price control thing but we've stuck very firmly to our philosophies. That's an important part of this whole win I think. 

AP: Well make those points. But just tell them, there are hundreds of thousands of people in this state who are going to support you. You're all right. And that's it. Just be humble. 

JK: I will see you tomorrow 

AP: I look forward to it. And I am just so thrilled. 

JK: Alright mate 

AP: See you then 

JK: Give my regards to your good lady. 

AP: Ok. Ta. Bye 

JK: Bye.

Perhaps the greatest moment of Kennett's premiership came when in 1998 when some second rate comedians announced they were making a song sampling this conversation, presumably in an effort to discredit him. He responded by saying: "We always support the arts in Victoria and I'd be very honored to recieve the first copy". Legendary. 

Let's get ready to rumble

So, the federal ALP leadership smackdown is on. Crean says he's got the numbers, Beazley says he'll romp it in and John Howard is sitting in his office going "How good is this? I'll be PM until I'm 100!"

Scandal - the bloggers best friend

This is bizarre. But it's still not as bad as that dud from Darwin who carried on the charade of having been a champion Olympic swimmer until somebody looked it up and found out he'd never even been near the Games.

A CHANNEL Nine newsreader has quit after being accused of asking a female fan to complain about a fellow presenter.

Brisbane weekend newsreader Mike London ended a 17-year career with the station effective immediately, saying his resignation was in the best interests of his family, friends and Channel Nine Queensland, given the allegations against him.
Brisbane's Courier Mail newspaper has run a series of articles alleging a feud between Mr London and weekday reader Bruce Paige.

Mr Paige replaced Mr London as Nine's weeknight anchor in Brisbane eight years ago.

The Courier Mail newspaper said Brisbane schoolteacher Karen Rolff alleged Mr London had asked her in an e-mail to make a complaint to the station that Mr Paige needed a "personality bypass".

In another email, he allegedly said that watching Mr Paige "would be the ultimate torture".

Mr London admitted he had sent e-mails to Ms Rolff, but said the messages had been reworked with his address on them.

Mr Paige read news of Mr London's departure in Nine's bulletin tonight.

That last line is my favourite bit, can any Brisbane readers tell us if he delivered the news with a massive smile on his face?

Memories

I love when you buy Sudafed and the chemists give you the "So, you haven't bought this product anywhere else in the last week" speech just in case you're crafting an amateur amphetamines lab in the backyard and need all the pseudoephedrine you can get your hands on. Until a couple of years ago I thought this was a totally pointless exercise. Then I read about a couple of hillbillies from rural Victoria who actually tried it. They went around to every chemist in town and bought as much Sudafed as they could and when the cops showed up at their door they were trying to figure out a way to convert it all into drugs. Several stereotypes were created right there and then.

Strange People

A win for Danish "Truth in Advertising" laws...

A Lutheran priest was suspended Tuesday after saying that God does not exist and that there is no eternal life.

Thorkild Grosboel, the pastor of Taarbaek, a town of 51,000 just north of Copenhagen, said in a recent interview that "there is no heavenly God, there is no eternal life, there is no resurrection."

The claims have mystified church leaders in the Scandinavian country of 5.3 million, where about 85 per cent of the population belongs to the state Evangelical Lutheran Church, yet only 5 per cent attend church services regularly.

Then, in today's good news story, we all laugh at this loser...

A man dropped abortion-related leaflets from a Paralite Sky Cruiser he flew over the La Serna High School campus Thursday until he accidentally stuck his hand into the aircraft's propeller blades, severing two fingers before he crashed, according to Whittier police.

The pilot, identified as Michael Grumbine, age unknown, tumbled out of the sky and struck a tree and a fence on the campus, according to police, who said they believed the man was a parent of former La Serna students.

Officers were unsure whether the man was flying so low because he was having problems, but then the bright yellow, pennant-shaped leaflets started fluttering down. The leaflets made reference to anti-abortion protesters with graphic displays in front of the school, police said.

The leaflet partially read, "You are in the Matrix. Truth is evil. Abortion is good. There are people in front of school with signs and pictures right now that you must not look at. They will show you things you must not see. You must not talk to them.'

RIP Yuppie Supermarket

Surprise, surprise. The David Jones owned Foodchain supermarkets have folded.

Now, I don't know who's idea it was to open a yuppie supermarket where everything cost twice as much as Safeway in the first place. Nor do I know which genius decided they wouldn't even give it a catchy name ("What should we call our new food chain?" "Ummmm... Foodchain?" "GENIUS! You're promoted.") but I knew, from the time that one opened in Hawthorn that it was going to be a failure. You don't open a restaurant that serves food three times more expensive than the place over the road and call it "Food Eating Place. And you're giving your corporate branding a lot of credit to expect that people will pay outrageous prices just because it's somehow got the David Jones name attached to it.

They lost $98 million during this fiasco. According to the article,

The four remaining Foodchain stores will now be sold to the Freedom Group and rebranded Bayswiss.

It's not exactly an exciting name (and god help them if they ever open a store in Bayswater) but at least it's a name which is more than you could ever say for poor old Foodchain.

Channel 10 Cock-Up file

Tonight they reported that England will be playing a soccer friendly against "Serbia and Montego". Would that be the band Disco Montego who did that "Beautiful" song a few months ago? Sounds like a strange opponent for an international football match to me.

Political suicide required. Apply within

The big news from today is that Howard is going to stay on as PM indefinately. Now, I've got no great desire to see Costello in the top job (in fact I think he's a bit of a tool to be honest) but this surely can't be the smartest decision to make. Granted the federal ALP are a rabble, and even the Victorian Liberals could probably beat them in an election, but what happens when they chuck Crean and get somebody half decent as a leader (somebody other than Beazley)?

I think this decision may come back to haunt him. Especially if he ruins whatever legacy he's built up by going to an election next year and losing.

I've never been there

A weekly look at countries they didn't bother teaching you about in school. Information for this series comes from World Statesmen and the CIA World Factbook - but they can't even assassinate leaders of sovereign nations without everyone finding out about it so what would they know?

6. Togo

French Togoland became Togo in 1960. General Gnassingbe Eyadema, installed as military ruler in 1967, is Africa's longest-serving head of state. Despite the facade of multiparty elections instituted in the early 1990s, the government continues to be dominated by President Eyadema, whose Rally of the Togolese People (RPT) party has maintained power almost continually since 1967. In addition, Togo has come under fire from international organizations for human rights abuses and is plagued by political unrest. Most bilateral and multilateral aid to Togo remains frozen.

Location: Western Africa, bordering the Bight of Benin, between Benin and Ghana

Population: 5,285,501

Ethnic Groups: native African (37 tribes; largest and most important are Ewe, Mina, and Kabre) 99%, European and Syrian-Lebanese less than 1%

Religions: indigenous beliefs 51%, Christian 29%, Muslim 20%

Languages: French (official and the language of commerce), Ewe and Mina (the two major African languages in the south), Kabye (sometimes spelled Kabiye) and Dagomba (the two major African languages in the north)

Capital: Lome
Radio broadcast stations: AM 2, FM 9, shortwave 4
Television broadcast stations: 3 (plus two repeaters)
Internet Country Code: .tg
Railways: 525 km
Highways: 7,520 km

International Disputes: Benin accuses Togo of moving boundary markers and stationing troops in its territory

5 Jul 1884: Togoland a German protectorate
1 Jan 1905: German colony of Togoland.
26 Aug 1914: British and French occupation
31 Aug 1914: German administration surrenders.
27 Dec 1916: Partioned into French and British zones.
20 Jul 1922: League of Nations mandates, British and French Togolands.
16 Jun 1940-Nov 1942: French Togo administration loyal to Vichy France (from Nov 1942, under Free French).
13 Dec 1946: United Nations trust territories, French Togo Associated Territory and British Togoland.
24 Jun 1956: Autonomy
13 Dec 1956: British Togoland part of Ghana.
27 Apr 1960: Independence from France (Togo Republic).

Around The Grounds

Time for our first MT-enabled edition of everyone's favourite gameshow - where we highlight what people with far more interesting to say than me are talking about.

After Grog Blog
Public Transport Standover Merchant - "Excuse me sir? May I see your ticket please?"

Angela Bell
All things to all men (and women, and others)

Bailz
I still don't know whether this is a good thing, or a bad thing, but one thing is for sure, it's a thing.

Bitchin' Monaro
The void left by Waltons was filled by a number of cheap and nasty retailers, who over the years, seem to have gotten cheaper and nastier, and now offer an insight into what the service must of been like in Soviet era Russian stores.

Rob Corr
So it wasn't just a throwaway line. Uechtritz is a lying bastard.

Disgusted Liberal is sort of dead.

So, in a manner of speaking, is Duncan Richer

Kate at Funny Face, I Love You is, however, very much alive and she says this;
And where did my shit kicker, middle class government school fall???? Well, quite far down the bottom, with only 39% of students from the 2002 class enrolling in university. But at least Greensy Secco was below us!!!

Gareth Parker
Well, that all went rather well. Four short bulletins all delivered without any significant stumbles. Bonus! Looks like I'll be on the same shift Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday next week.

Good News Fresh
One of the amusing things about having a working phone SMS correspondence in the early hours of this morning

Hot Buttered Death
I still think sometimes Messrs Parker and Stone should've quit making South Park after they made the film version and gone out on a high-the first batch of episodes that appeared after the film were pretty poor

Michael Jennings
I am off to have lunch with Perry and Gabriel, and I have a half written piece on being an introvert, and on author Neal Stephenson, which I shall finish and post this evening.

Mortigi Tempo
WHENEVER I go for a wonder through certain shady parts of the blogosphere, there seems to be another link to a site dedicated to the thankless task of exposing the awful Truth on Michael Moore.

Spin Starts Here
Usually the music director would die before letting the listeners have input into the programming.

Stews Blog
555 - STUFF UP (I hope to be seeing some "Thank christ we finally won" Perth Glory fan action on there soon though)

The Eye of the Beholder is still in Brazilian hippy mode.

Yobbo's View
If there are any l33t code warriors out there who can work out why this page doesn't render properly in Netscape, I'd much appreciate the heads up. 3% of my readers are counting on it!

Zem
Italian police say they've been unable to read PGP-encrypted files stored on Psion PLCs by members of the Red Brigade.

HAXORING tEh GIBS0N!!!1!

Eye of the Beholder has been hacked again. In case it's fixed before you get to have a look the cryptic message left there is as follows -

TechTeaM Just For Just! Libert Egalit Fraternit !! Governament of USA NAZISTz! ProtesT! ProtesT! !PROTEST! Peace In The World!! sumar? issie jesus!! PEACE IN THE WORLD!! PEACE IN THE WORLD!!PEACE IN THE WORLD!! BraZil RULeZ Contact us TechTeaM@MySelf.com

Brazilian hippies hacking for peace. What has the world come to?

Excuse Me?

THE Sydney Swans have applied to the AFL for urgent financial assistance of up to $2 million in what chairman Richard Colless yesterday described as a "genuinely life-threatening" situation.

In a move that is sure to anger Melbourne-based clubs, the Swans have told the AFL they need an immediate one-off injection of cash, otherwise they cannot trade past October.

So, despite having the AFL's hand up their ass for the last ten years and actually attracting some decent crowds for the first time ever they're on the verge of folding? Well, I suppose they're not really going to fold because the AFL will give them whatever they want whenever they want for as long as they want - but I think you know what I mean.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Melbourne might have no fans left and our on-field performance might be shithouse but at least we're not lining up for AFL handouts like the rest of the 'unfashionable' teams.

And what kind of fearsome animal is a Swan? Even Brisbane realised that nobody was scared of the jolly little koala on their logo when they were the Bears and annexed Fitzroy to get a decent mascot.

Eurovision Madness Continues

Tatu to earn another shot at Eurovision immortality?

No word on their pissweak challenge to the official result yet, but they might just qualify to enter
this competition.

The UK is to get another shot at the Eurovision Song Contest with a junior version of the competition.
Junior Eurovision will be held in Denmark and will be screened in the UK live on ITV1.

Junior Eurovision. What a, pardon my French, fucking stupid idea that is. Almost as bad as when that tosser from FIFA declared that the soccer World Cup should be held every two years just so they can make a bit more money.

Count Chivas Day 2003

Count Chivas, Australia's greatest ever racehorse* died on this day two years ago. On this anniversary we pay tribute to the horse who's legacy will never be forgotten.

(* Sez us)

The Count (from Lord Ballina and Inquest) was originally trained in New Zealand by Don Sellwood. He wasn't raced as a 2YO, instead being saved for a 3YO campaign.

He had nine starts in his home country for three wins before a first visit to these shores. He won two of three starts during this tour of duty, the most important of those being the Group One South Australian Derby.

Though bred to be a sprinter the Count surprised everyone involved by developing as a stayer. It was this that convinced connections to set him for a cups campaign in late 1995. In the Caulfield Cup he ran a neck second to the great Doreimus but failed on the wet Flemington track and ran 11th at 12-1 in the Melbourne Cup. He backed up two weeks later to win the slightly less prestigious Sandown Cup and was then spelled.

At this point the great Lee Freedman took over as trainer. In one of his first starts for the Freedman stable he almost beat Octagonal whilst running with 5kg more. Two weeks later the Count ran his most famous victory, the 3200m Sydney Cup.

He ran second to the rampant Saintly at the 1996 Melbourne Cup. At 33-1 and carrying 2.5kg more than the winner it was a gallant placing.

1997's "Great Race" was far from a triumph for the Count. Ridden by Danny Brereton and starting at 50-1 he ran last, and almost took out idiotic protestor Peter Hoare who strayed onto the course in the Flemington straight.

His fourth, and last, Melbourne Cup tilt was a brave 20th in 1998 carrying one of the top weights at 150-1. A great deal of the money invested on him came from my friends and I, and even though the old stager didn't get up we still got our money's worth seeing him run one more time.

Sadly the Count was gelded, which ruined the dream of little Count's running around in Melbourne Cups of the future.

On June 1st, 2001 during a spell at home in New Zealand he returned from morning trackwork and was stricken with a twisted bowel. The Count was immediately put down. It had been said that he was being set for one more campaign but unfortunately fate intervened. At the time of his death he'd won almost $2,000,000 in prizemoney.

The Count was a legend that will always live in our hearts. We once named a bowling team after him. What other horses could boast that?

Nooooooooo!

Apparently supafly skank Avril "freaking" Lavigne is in Melbourne. Secret Al Qaeda snipers where are you?

3/6 Update: According to an email I just got from Channel V (who obvious can't tell that I haven't watched their station in a year) she's playing a show on Monday at Fox Studios. Please Osama, if you're reading this in a cave somewhere you know what to do.