"Love", the Captain and Tenille claimed, "will keep us together". However the Rolos ad once said "Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars". Who are we to believe? Given that Rolos are quite tasty, and that the Captain's real name was actually Daryl Dragon I'm going to have to learn towards the chocolates on this one.
So, it's in this spirit of resistance that we launch into TSP's annual look at the best and worst - but mainly the worst - of the Herald Sun "Book of Love". I'm reading the lot and filtering out the boring so you don't have to. Unfortunately they've only managed to muster up 16 pages of terror this year. This may be due to one, or more of the following;
a) It's a Saturday
b) The world economic crisis
c) Post-disaster sensitivity
d) The fact that their logo features a tranny
e) People realising that it's a grandstanding waste of money.
Anyway, on with the show..
AAZZ, Ron. Georgio-Edwarni, Rumple. I can't wait to marry u. Love always, Brookie, Chicken
AFFY. YOU ARE the lub ob my life. Thanks for being the beth hufbayan in the woyald. What tine da tennith finis? Lots of Lub Cowatty an the Lewsh
AMELIE PROUD. A beautiful baby Angel currently under the loving guidance of Angels Mother Angela, Aunty Casey and Nanna Lesley
ARTHUR (TAPPER). We know we dont' say it often enough but we really do LOVE YOU - Your 3 Joujoukes xxx
ASHLEY I DIDNT SEND YOU A ROSE AS I KNEW IT WOULD FADE IN YOUR SHADOW LOVE DANIEL
ATSOT W T M M Y E L A B PIZZA PIE (17 PRAWNS) T AMORE
ANG, Whitney, Nurul, Rach n Erin. Happy Valentine's Day Me LOVE U all my Bitches Love Pru
You may sometimes annoy the crap out of me, but I couldn't live without your cheeky smile, your smelly farts and your bottom pinching
Bunchie. .bunch. .brunchie. .brunch. . CHOO BUNCHIE!!!! Love forever Cheeks xxxx
My dearest Grill'd Patty - there's only you in my life, you're the one thing that's bright, my first love, your every breath I take, you're every step I make... you're juicy Patty.. your tasty buns, you're my endless love. Sorry to be so Cheesy
CARMY - My 1940 Love Machine Endearing Love Always ..... Your 1938 R Rat
COWATT how bout we go for a shnitzel tonight
Happy Valentine's Day i love you heaps and heaps love your german sausage haha
My Chooky No Pong (Gwonji No Pong) Blue Bird.. We get marraged soon! Ululu 4 eva
Dear John Anthony your a spunk, and I luv you, have a awesome day campdrafting! buggar ya but I luv ya. Kick some butt your wife Jois
My Portuguese love goddess. You ding my dong
15th Valentine's message 4 u. 8 years hitchen. Still luv getting dirty in da ditch wit u
Hairy munkee wuvs you xxx
HERMIE. You have showered me with your gifts and love since our first date at KFC
For my sex little chicken bum face.
Happy Valentine's Day Piaow Piaow with you anytime baby.
your the most beautiful women I have ever meet especially whilst your pregnant
Little Ghost in my Gothic loneliness I still dream old dreams of your wide child's eyes. A vision of unspeakable loveliness from a world lost.
JORT - Hope you have a great day. Say hi to Laser. Look forward to our next SBS session
When you hold the Ozzie Open with balls going to and fro, you tend to make a racquet, when you are serving like a pro. A hard fought rally, with good stroke play, will end in deuce, at the end of play. Your second serve is a sensation. "My Ace", you deserved the standing ovation. Love-all,
My Scorpion. How could I ever be your real Sub zero (Mortal Kombat references! FTW!)
MA MAN - Sexy Cwordy. You big bully, you fink you good because you sexy. You gonna get it
Chuck Norris is why Wally's hiding. You're not made of wood. Neither am I...... Safety
I am Pot Committed. Me, you, Jack and Buddy are such a happy Force not even Edward could break through!
No More Sorrys. Eye Wub Ewe Berry Muich
MY DARLING SEAHORSE I STILL LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL. YOUR ARCTIC PUFFIN
6 words.. I neva wanna b apart again. Bet u $2, dis yr will be da best, chuck out da WREST! Luv ur guts infinaty toz ur looking fine in 09
How about a safari sans tonies - I'll bring the rhino??
TO RED HEN
Take a bottle of red to where the trains don't go then plant a yellwo rose and together we'll grow
TRAIN me 2 CONDUCT myself B4 I fall off TRACK. I want 2 B in a BRN BNeath U, so let's go LOCO! ENJOY THE RIDE!!
IM NUTS ABOUT U. I EVEN LOVE U MORE THAN MY ALE
Hot Coals Babe
Little baby duck
Little Nut Brown Hare
Miss Mt. Dandy
Princess Chooch Bug
Pumpkin x 5000 like nobody's ever thought of that before.
Sexy sugar bum
Sweet little chickon
ur hot wog
Your Makka Pakka Boof
your nawty girl
Advertising Genius Section
Bottom of Page 46 - NOTHING SAYS I LOVE YOU LIKE A HUMMER
I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Zac www.scopevic.org.au
I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Adam www.scopevic.org.au
Did you see what they did there? There's two more - would have cost them a bit.
STIHL LOVINGLY YOURS
To our devoted Stihl Stated and Territory Managers, words can't express how amazing the last few days have been. We're totally dedicated to each and everyone of you, seriously. You're all we could have ever hoped for. Forever yours - The Stihl Marketing Team
AL CAPONE. 80 Years Ago Today, You Took My Breath Away - Bugs Moran
ANDREW O'K. Please choose me and you can ride in my side car. Deal or No deal? - Julia NSW
Unparalleled passion joins unmistakable laughter. Unrelenting ambitions meets unwavering faith. Love - Fred
Do you love me, will you love me forever? As I will love you forever
ST. KILDA FOOTBALL CLUB
Be my Valentine and win the '09 Premiership
Special Tribute to Barb Dawson section
BARB DAWSON. Even if you are a Maggies fan, work is still the funnest with you around. Love Brent. GO BLUES!
* BARB "SAUCY" DAWSON * Thanks for making work such a spicy event! You are a champ! Go Hawks Love - Nick
The clouds and veils have slipped away with time and all that remains is our love exposed... naked and radiant. More than ever.
Sigh. The Accountant
I fell in love right from the start.
Right up to now you hold my heart.
You're full of love, warmth and grace.
You make the world a better place.
You tried so hard to make me see.
The much better person I could be.
For so long you have been my wife.
I hope I haven't lost you from my life.
I can see it all so very clear.
Things you thought I didn't hear.
If feels you are so far away.
Wish I could hold your hand today.
As I tried to work things through.
I realise how much I admire you.
I will always love you.
Let the sky shatter,
The Earth split in two.
What if she loved me,
I could make it through
To my wife and darling Valentine. Remember all will turn out fine.
I love you more and more each day
Even though I'm turning grey.
The years seem to be going so fast
But my love for you will always last.
There are time the kids and I often gloat,
But not when we were on that bloody boat.
My final thought to give you delight.
If won't be long till your on that flight
I love you as much As an Italian man loves a Ferrari.
Computer nerd loves their Atari.
Like a Portuguese sausage is spicy and hot.
Me me dance the fire hydrant dance like a robot.
Rainbows to a little cuddle puppy.
Or a cafe latte is to a yuppy.
A joke is to Russell Brand.
Group to a Band.
Quattro Digici to San Rocco.
Tradie taking a smoko.
A goofy mug to a Spandy
* BRENDEN *
You are my favourite ranga.
I'm sorry if I sometimes harangue ya.
Maybe for dinner I'll make you a salad sanga.
And then afterwards...
you'll let me do the dishes
Each day my love for you grows stronger, this I know is true.
Can't wait to get my next 400 grams of meat from you
Sorry for staring, can't stop thinking about you.
I bet you have a good rbain, and a nice mid wicket too
Angles come from Heaven. Princes from frogs. You make me so happy, Coz I'm your KELLOGGS xox :-) (Yes, they really did say Angles)
The sun made us all red
The fijian water was blue
the best wedding in the world
was when I married you.
You're the icing on my cake
You're my one pan dinner
You're the pickle on my cheeseburger
You're a bit of ALRIGHT!
TERRY (HAIRY MONSTER
Roses are red, violets are Blue
About what happened in Thailand
I'm still a bit cross with you.
You could however, make it up to me
If you went to Prada or Gucci.
Amazingly though I still love you
I don't know why but it's always true
INTERNET, THANK you for such a beautiful relationship over the past 16 years... We love you! Internode
INTERNODE I love that you are naked, I love that you're extreme, I love it when I listen to your unmetered radio stream. I love that you support me. I love that you go fast. It's lal because of Internode that dialup's in the past! With all my love The Internet
ALBERT PARK BEACH BABE I met you last Sat after leaving the beach at the shop on Vic Ave. We said hello at the counter, Dior sunnies, H20 in hand and my fruit, then you vanished. Hoping to meet you again. BEACH BOY
AMELIA. What's new pussycat? Happy Birthday for next week. I placed it in here as I thought there was more chance of you seeing it than on the day. It's been a few years and things in my life have made me think of you recently. I truly hope that you are very happy
BRENDA from NYE I miss your kiss. How do I find u? I never got ur number. Frank xxx
Jasinski .. I'm sorry that things have ended this way. Despite everything, I will always love you because you gave me th emost precious thing in this world, our son, Brodie. I hope one day we can be friends for his sake. Love - Sarah xx
Call me if you can.. One of these days
I miss you. It's so hard to contact or see you. Love - The Gov xxx
C, My hands miss you, too. I often wonder how your life worked out. Find me on Facebook
'LITTLE ONE' I love you and miss you morning, noon and night even when I ride my bike I hope that one day soon you might see that I am still Mr. Right your personal shinning Knight I made some errors and at times I was a terror but know this as true it was because of my love for you. When I do things without you its not the same and that's a big shame - being with you is simply the best - I fell in love with you when we first met. I love you now and will love you for eternity Please find out all the facts and truth so I can shout I love you from the top of roof Forgive me Little One I simply adore a love you<.i>
CHIKOO, I miss u, ur my heart and soul. I'm incomplete withouy u. ur happiness is more important
You fix all the broken and sick ponies. You are so serious, so gorgeous and sometimes so grumpy. Have you even noticed me? Will you ever call? Or will I always be your secret admirer
DAN Met you 3 weeks ago would love to see you again. Happy Valentine's Day - Mads.
met you at Provincial Fri 2nd Jan, the ph no. is wrong. If it was an error and you're interested be outside your locat this wed 18th @ 7pm for the special palma night :-)
Dedicate "Always" by Bon Jovi . Had time to think since Oct. 16 when we were last together. Deeply sorry, miss you
IN my 39yrs, the greatest moment was meeting you, the worst moment was losing you. I promise never ever to hurt you, only to love you with all that I have. One chance is all I need, to prove myself to you and your entire family. I want my forever with you. I'm sorry it's taken me 9yrs to realise that you are my REAL THING. With every day that passes, that's one less day I have with you. Trust your heart, trust our love, bust most of all, trust me. I LOVE YOU
GIRAFFE you are my everything, can we pretty please get back together? Love monkey xxx
You're better now, wrong drugs they gave you Oct. Made you do stupid crazy things. Not your fault. I forgive you. Should have told her, should have told friends. So full of life. Now full of sadness
In the year 2000 you turned my world upside town!
I grew real close to you, but you broke my heart when you went overseas.
My feelings were genuine and it hurt the most when you didn't believe me.
I haven't seen you since, but I still think of you.
You are and will always be unforgettable
MY 'Holden (V8) Man'
My 'Precious Pain'!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
Sorry by one million for what happened 23 years ago (28.01.1986) to be precise!
I told you I would be back, 'cos as I told you on that day, I will never love another the way 'I LOVE YOU!'
One day in the future (hopefully before dementia, senility or death, and in this lifetime???) I shall whisk you away overseas to 'Paris' (Mile High Club??? if we're not too old!) and MARRY YOU!! I shall then get drunk with delight with you at my side FOREVER. See you then, talk soon??? - 'Ford (V8) Girl'
P.S - I am ready to answer those 2 or 3 questions you have for me
Seat 1C JQ166 11 Feb. Can not stop thinking of you. Love to hear from you
I'm very sorry for everything. I hope we'll be friends again someday
Just Plain Creepy
My son, my sweetheart, my world. You may be one expensive little model, but I cherish every moment. With your beautiful nature and that charismatic way. Just gorgeous. Love always - Mum
BARRY M - aka Daddy. Today Tomorrow Forever all my love. YER. Your Wife Kim xoxo
MASTER wishes you a happy Valentine's Day. I love you and want you. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
HUSSLER. Hope you get a hole in one and enjoy your weekend playing golf
Dear Mum, I hope you like this. I love you and I want a smoochy woochy
I've loved you from 'that moment' in the shower
And that, my friends, is that. Good luck in getting a leg over to celebrate the day.