Remember The Titans (TV Weak Edition)

New to this blogging caper? New to this blog? Bullshit, I know you're exactly the same people that were reading three years ago and that you remember the glorious 2006 "Hotdogs 4 Gold" logie awards campaign. Need a recap? Fair enough; * Hotdogs was some slop merchant off Big Brother who, despite the handicap of not having a real name, ended up hosting one of the first late night moneymaking scams quiz shows on Australian television. He was also fined for apparently being noshed off by a groupie outside a Brisbane pub, but who's going to hold that against him? * Somebody who was definately not in any way related to me discovered that in those innocent times the "unique" voting code that TV Week expected you to get off the front cover of their magazine to vote was actually in no way "unique", and that they simply started at a certain point and counted up one-by-one. * Several people pointed this flaw in the system out and - let's face it this is where THEY probably went a bit wrong - invited punters to exploit this to vote early, vote often and vote a million times for the popular late night quiz show host. * A successful media campaign led to coverage in the mainstream press for the campaign. This led to TV Weak calling the lawyers in and issuing cease and desist letters to the key players. You will note from the following that they never actually said they had an issue with the exposure of the flaws in the voting system; “By the unauthorised use of our client’s logo and the inclusion of a link to the TV Week online voting site, the website implies an association with TV Week. Such conduct is in breach of Section 53 of the Trade Practices Act.” So theoretically we.. err they could just have removed the logo and the link and everything would have been alright - but who's going to risk getting hauled over the coals for a novelty action? * Rumors abounded that there were so many votes for Hotdogs that TV Weak (who are, in no way connected with the popular television publication of a similar name) employed people to specifically pick out the votes for him - whether they were legitimate or not. * One of the presenters made mention of it during the ceremony (!) but we never heard of the campaign, or Hotdogs himself ever again. Lest they ever be lost, let's remember some of the great moments of the "Hot Dogs 4 Gold" campaign. (Right click and view image because I'm too lazy to resize) After the Herald Scum turned on the campaign shortly after their friends the lawyers stepped in. For legal reasons I can't explain this one. But this was the shot that replaced anything with the TV Weak logo or their pissy statue in it. Thanks Judge Ito. So, why the reminiscing? Well, apparently stacking the TV Weak awards is back in fashion - and encouraged; INTERNATIONAL celebrities have joined fans in a campaign to farewell Neighbours veteran Ian Smith with a gold Logie. Smith has been the most consistent neighbour as Harold Bishop for more than 22 years and finally exits the soap on Friday. And with friends like the faded 1980s popstar Rick Astley and the now happily grey Tom Jones, who can stop him? Both have sent best wishes for his retirement and have backed an I Heart Harold gold Logie campaign being run on the Neighbours website. "I was never going to give you up but you're off anyway - best of luck," Astley said. Jones said, "Harold, good luck in the future from me, Tom Jones - we're gonna miss you." Australian Idol judge Dicko said, "Twenty years ... Shapelle Corby got less. Mate, you deserve the gold Logie, I'm voting." I just hope they've tightened their voting code process in the last few years.. otherwise it might be time for the return of the Dog three years too late..

TSP's Corporate Love Day Spectacular 2009

"Love", the Captain and Tenille claimed, "will keep us together". However the Rolos ad once said "Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars". Who are we to believe? Given that Rolos are quite tasty, and that the Captain's real name was actually Daryl Dragon I'm going to have to learn towards the chocolates on this one. 

So, it's in this spirit of resistance that we launch into TSP's annual look at the best and worst - but mainly the worst - of the Herald Sun "Book of Love". I'm reading the lot and filtering out the boring so you don't have to. Unfortunately they've only managed to muster up 16 pages of terror this year. This may be due to one, or more of the following; a) It's a Saturday b) The world economic crisis c) Post-disaster sensitivity, d) People realising that it's a grandstanding waste of money. Anyway, on with the show.. 

Mystifying Messages 

AAZZ, Ron. Georgio-Edwarni, Rumple. I can't wait to marry u. Love always, Brookie, Chicken 

AFFY. YOU ARE the lub ob my life. Thanks for being the beth hufbayan in the woyald. What tine da tennith finis? Lots of Lub Cowatty an the Lewsh 

AMELIE PROUD. A beautiful baby Angel currently under the loving guidance of Angels Mother Angela, Aunty Casey and Nanna Lesley 

ARTHUR (TAPPER). We know we dont' say it often enough but we really do LOVE YOU - Your 3 Joujoukes xxx 

ASHLEY I DIDNT SEND YOU A ROSE AS I KNEW IT WOULD FADE IN YOUR SHADOW LOVE DANIEL 

ATSOT W T M M Y E L A B PIZZA PIE (17 PRAWNS) T AMORE BIATCHS 

ANG, Whitney, Nurul, Rach n Erin. Happy Valentine's Day Me LOVE U all my Bitches Love Pru 

BUBBY You may sometimes annoy the crap out of me, but I couldn't live without your cheeky smile, your smelly farts and your bottom pinching 

BUNCHIE Bunchie. .bunch. .brunchie. .brunch. . 

CHOO BUNCHIE!!!! Love forever Cheeks xxxx 

BURGER-BOY My dearest Grill'd Patty - there's only you in my life, you're the one thing that's bright, my first love, your every breath I take, you're every step I make... you're juicy Patty.. your tasty buns, you're my endless love. Sorry to be so Cheesy 

CARMY - My 1940 Love Machine Endearing Love Always ..... Your 1938 R Rat 

COWATT how bout we go for a shnitzel tonight 

DANIELLE Happy Valentine's Day i love you heaps and heaps love your german sausage haha 

DEANNA My Chooky No Pong (Gwonji No Pong) Blue Bird.. We get marraged soon! Ululu 4 eva Dear John Anthony your a spunk, and I luv you, have a awesome day campdrafting! buggar ya but I luv ya. Kick some butt your wife Jois 

FATIMA My Portuguese love goddess. You ding my dong 

GARY H.A 78 GEORGE SHAGGER 15th Valentine's message 4 u. 8 years hitchen. Still luv getting dirty in da ditch wit u Hairy munkee wuvs you xxx HERMIE. You have showered me with your gifts and love since our first date at KFC J For my sex little chicken bum face. Happy Valentine's Day Piaow Piaow with you anytime baby. 

JACKIE your the most beautiful women I have ever meet especially whilst your pregnant 

JESS W.... Little Ghost in my Gothic loneliness I still dream old dreams of your wide child's eyes. A vision of unspeakable loveliness from a world lost. 

JORT - Hope you have a great day. Say hi to Laser. Look forward to our next SBS session 

KEZ, When you hold the Ozzie Open with balls going to and fro, you tend to make a racquet, when you are serving like a pro. A hard fought rally, with good stroke play, will end in deuce, at the end of play. Your second serve is a sensation. "My Ace", you deserved the standing ovation. Love-all, Mick's Doubles 

KRISTIAN My Scorpion. How could I ever be your real Sub zero

MA MAN - Sexy Cwordy. You big bully, you fink you good because you sexy. You gonna get it 

MALADY Chuck Norris is why Wally's hiding. You're not made of wood. Neither am I...... Safety 

MARK-WHITE I am Pot Committed. Me, you, Jack and Buddy are such a happy Force not even Edward could break through!

MCMOOSE No More Sorrys. Eye Wub Ewe Berry Muich - Maggot 

MY DARLING SEAHORSE I STILL LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL. YOUR ARCTIC PUFFIN SNUFFLY-FACE! 6 words.. I neva wanna b apart again. Bet u $2, dis yr will be da best, chuck out da 

WREST! Luv ur guts infinaty toz ur looking fine in 09 TG!!! How about a safari sans tonies - I'll bring the rhino?? 

TO RED HEN Take a bottle of red to where the trains don't go then plant a yellwo rose and together we'll grow TRAIN me 2 CONDUCT myself B4 I fall off TRACK. I want 2 B in a BRN BNeath U, so let's go LOCO! ENJOY THE RIDE!! WOOMPF IM NUTS ABOUT U. I EVEN LOVE U MORE THAN MY ALE 

Sickening Nicknames 

Baby Girl
Bad-Girl
Batgirl
Booba
Boobsbear
Bumface
Cheesepuff
CheekyMonkey
Cheesy Doodie
Chicken-Lover
Chicken Nugget
Cookie Darling pooks
Duk Duk
Fat Boy
Fish Schnoz
Flower Boy
Fluffy
Fruitingle
Funny Chicken
Golly bug
Hairy Monster
Hot Coals Babe
Hubba Bubba Lava-Flow boy
Little baby duck
Little Nut Brown Hare
Littlemog
Miss Mt. Dandy my schnogims
Pee Pee Princess Chooch Bug Puddymonster
Pumpkin (x5000 like nobody's ever thought of that before.) 
Sexy sugar bum
Sweet cheeks
Sweet little chickon ur hot wog ur wombat
Wabsy
Your Makka Pakka Boof
your nawty girl
Your snausage 

Advertising Genius Section
Bottom of Page 46 - NOTHING SAYS I LOVE YOU LIKE A HUMMER BRITNEY I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Zac www.scopevic.org.au

KATIE I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Adam www.scopevic.org.au (Did you see what they did there? There's two more - would have cost them a bit.)

STIHL LOVINGLY YOURS To our devoted Stihl Stated and Territory Managers, words can't express how amazing the last few days have been. We're totally dedicated to each and everyone of you, seriously. You're all we could have ever hoped for. Forever yours - The Stihl Marketing Team 

Celebrity Action 

AL CAPONE. 80 Years Ago Today, You Took My Breath Away - Bugs Moran
ANDREW O'K. Please choose me and you can ride in my side car. Deal or No deal? - Julia NSW
DEAREST WILMA Unparalleled passion joins unmistakable laughter. Unrelenting ambitions meets unwavering faith. Love - Fred
MEATLOAF Do you love me, will you love me forever? As I will love you forever
ST. KILDA FOOTBALL CLUB Be my Valentine and win the '09 Premiership 

Special Tribute to Barb Dawson section
BARB DAWSON. Even if you are a Maggies fan, work is still the funnest with you around. Love Brent. GO BLUES!
BARB "SAUCY" DAWSON * Thanks for making work such a spicy event! You are a champ! Go Hawks Love - Nick 

Rotten Poetry
ADORED CHIMERA The clouds and veils have slipped away with time and all that remains is our love exposed... naked and radiant. More than ever. Sigh. The Accountant 

ANNIE G I fell in love right from the start. Right up to now you hold my heart. You're full of love, warmth and grace. You make the world a better place. You tried so hard to make me see. The much better person I could be. For so long you have been my wife. I hope I haven't lost you from my life. I can see it all so very clear. Things you thought I didn't hear. If feels you are so far away. Wish I could hold your hand today. As I tried to work things through. I realise how much I admire you. I will always love you. 

APRIL Let the sky shatter, The Earth split in two. What if she loved me, I could make it through 

BABG To my wife and darling Valentine. Remember all will turn out fine. I love you more and more each day Even though I'm turning grey. The years seem to be going so fast But my love for you will always last. There are time the kids and I often gloat, But not when we were on that bloody boat. My final thought to give you delight. If won't be long till your on that flight 

BECKY I love you as much As an Italian man loves a Ferrari. Computer nerd loves their Atari. Like a Portuguese sausage is spicy and hot. Me me dance the fire hydrant dance like a robot. Rainbows to a little cuddle puppy. Or a cafe latte is to a yuppy. A joke is to Russell Brand. Group to a Band. Quattro Digici to San Rocco. Tradie taking a smoko. A goofy mug to a Spandy 

BRENDEN You are my favourite ranga. I'm sorry if I sometimes harangue ya. Maybe for dinner I'll make you a salad sanga. And then afterwards... you'll let me do the dishes 

DELI CHICK Each day my love for you grows stronger, this I know is true. Can't wait to get my next 400 grams of meat from you 

GREG MCYUMMY Sorry for staring, can't stop thinking about you. I bet you have a good rbain, and a nice mid wicket too 

JUSTEN Angles come from Heaven. Princes from frogs. You make me so happy, Coz I'm your KELLOGGS xox :-) (Yes, they really did say Angles) 

KBILLY The sun made us all red The fijian water was blue the best wedding in the world was when I married you. 

LEEROY BROWN You're the icing on my cake You're my one pan dinner You're the pickle on my cheeseburger You're a bit of ALRIGHT! 

TERRY (HAIRY MONSTER Roses are red, violets are Blue About what happened in Thailand I'm still a bit cross with you. You could however, make it up to me If you went to Prada or Gucci. Amazingly though I still love you I don't know why but it's always true 

Pisstake Central
INTERNET, THANK you for such a beautiful relationship over the past 16 years... We love you! Internode
INTERNODE I love that you are naked, I love that you're extreme, I love it when I listen to your unmetered radio stream. I love that you support me. I love that you go fast. It's lal because of Internode that dialup's in the past! With all my love The Internet 

Stalkers Corner
ALBERT PARK BEACH BABE I met you last Sat after leaving the beach at the shop on Vic Ave. We said hello at the counter, Dior sunnies, H20 in hand and my fruit, then you vanished. Hoping to meet you again. 

BEACH BOY AMELIA. What's new pussycat? Happy Birthday for next week. I placed it in here as I thought there was more chance of you seeing it than on the day. It's been a few years and things in my life have made me think of you recently. I truly hope that you are very happy 

BRENDA from NYE I miss your kiss. How do I find u? I never got ur number. Frank xxx 

BRENT Jasinski .. I'm sorry that things have ended this way. Despite everything, I will always love you because you gave me th emost precious thing in this world, our son, Brodie. I hope one day we can be friends for his sake. Love - Sarah xx 

BRIAN H Call me if you can.. One of these days 

BUTTNS. I miss you. It's so hard to contact or see you. Love - The Gov xxx 

C, My hands miss you, too. I often wonder how your life worked out. Find me on Facebook 

CAROLINE 'LITTLE ONE' I love you and miss you morning, noon and night even when I ride my bike I hope that one day soon you might see that I am still Mr. Right your personal shinning Knight I made some errors and at times I was a terror but know this as true it was because of my love for you. When I do things without you its not the same and that's a big shame - being with you is simply the best - I fell in love with you when we first met. I love you now and will love you for eternity Please find out all the facts and truth so I can shout I love you from the top of roof Forgive me Little One I simply adore a love you<.i> 

CHIKOO, I miss u, ur my heart and soul. I'm incomplete withouy u. ur happiness is more important

CHRISTIAN You fix all the broken and sick ponies. You are so serious, so gorgeous and sometimes so grumpy. Have you even noticed me? Will you ever call? Or will I always be your secret admirer 

DAN Met you 3 weeks ago would love to see you again. Happy Valentine's Day - Mads. 

DANIELA met you at Provincial Fri 2nd Jan, the ph no. is wrong. If it was an error and you're interested be outside your locat this wed 18th @ 7pm for the special palma night :-) 

EMMA Dedicate "Always" by Bon Jovi . Had time to think since Oct. 16 when we were last together. Deeply sorry, miss you 

EMMA IN my 39yrs, the greatest moment was meeting you, the worst moment was losing you. I promise never ever to hurt you, only to love you with all that I have. One chance is all I need, to prove myself to you and your entire family. I want my forever with you. I'm sorry it's taken me 9yrs to realise that you are my REAL THING. With every day that passes, that's one less day I have with you. Trust your heart, trust our love, bust most of all, trust me. I LOVE YOU GIRAFFE you are my everything, can we pretty please get back together? Love monkey xxx 

HENRY B You're better now, wrong drugs they gave you Oct. Made you do stupid crazy things. Not your fault. I forgive you. Should have told her, should have told friends. So full of life. Now full of sadness 

JODIE W In the year 2000 you turned my world upside town! I grew real close to you, but you broke my heart when you went overseas. My feelings were genuine and it hurt the most when you didn't believe me. I haven't seen you since, but I still think of you. You are and will always be unforgettable 

MY 'Holden (V8) Man' My 'Precious Pain'! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Sorry by one million for what happened 23 years ago (28.01.1986) to be precise! I told you I would be back, 'cos as I told you on that day, I will never love another the way 'I LOVE YOU!' One day in the future (hopefully before dementia, senility or death, and in this lifetime???) I shall whisk you away overseas to 'Paris' (Mile High Club??? if we're not too old!) and MARRY YOU!! I shall then get drunk with delight with you at my side FOREVER. See you then, talk soon??? - 'Ford (V8) Girl' xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo :) P.S - I am ready to answer those 2 or 3 questions you have for me 

SUSAN H Seat 1C JQ166 11 Feb. Can not stop thinking of you. Love to hear from you 

TAMMY I'm very sorry for everything. I hope we'll be friends again someday 

Just Plain Creepy 

A My son, my sweetheart, my world. You may be one expensive little model, but I cherish every moment. With your beautiful nature and that charismatic way. Just gorgeous. Love always - Mum 

BARRY M - aka Daddy. Today Tomorrow Forever all my love. YER. Your Wife Kim xoxo

BOOMBI MASTER wishes you a happy Valentine's Day. I love you and want you. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 

HUSSLER. Hope you get a hole in one and enjoy your weekend playing golf 

MERRYN Dear Mum, I hope you like this. I love you and I want a smoochy woochy 

STUDY I've loved you from 'that moment' in the shower 

And that, my friends, is that. Good luck in getting a leg over to celebrate the day.

Kommerical Korner

I can't be the only person confused and distressed by the ad currently being shown with Michael Clarke and Pat Rafter. 

1) Why does Clarke have to drop the strides and catch the ball in the old reg grundies? Why doesn't he just catch it in his hands? 

 2) Wouldn't a tennis ball falling from height and landing straight in your jatz crackers cause some sort of discomfort? 

Are they suggesting that 'Pup' is not delivering a substantial package to Ms. Lara Bingle? Is this the image he wants to project to the nation? No wonder she went for a session with Fevola.

Low moments in station promotions

You can't control the weather, but you've got to have some sympathy for the poor bastard on 3AW today trying to pump up an outside broadcast at a supermarket on the hottest day EVER. Sample moment: *Caller* - "There are fires 2km from my house. Everything's going horribly wrong" etc... *Host* - "My god that's awful. Good luck. And now over to Tom at Ritchie's IGA in Yarra Glen!" *Tom* - "We're about to do another barrel draw here, and the lucky winner of $250 of shopping vouchers is Doris of Mt. Evelyn!" *Much applause*. Bit insensitive.

So You Think You Can Dance - Kew

Ladies and gentlemen, I present a photo essay of your newest cult hero. Here, in all his glory is the Dancing Man of Kew Junction. There he stood at the traffic lights doing exercise like manoevures for an hour. Every time a car honked the horn a look of glee came across his face. Heartwarming or something. Fking amusing is what I'd call it. Later he came into the pub and proudly announced, hat and all, that he was a Melbourne fan. Explains why he's lost the plot I suppose. UPDATE - Turns out he's actually massively famous and has a 3500 person Farcebook group dedicated to him. Shows what I know about Slop Culture.

Random Conversations

Random Woman: "Hi, I sing songs about grand slam tennis winners" Me: "Ok, let's hear one" *song about Serena Williams* Me: "That's great. Do you have one about Sergi Bruguera? *song about Andy Roddick* I didn't dare point out that Bruguera won more Grand Slam tournaments than Roddick lest she punch me in the face.