Sunday, 11 January 2009

TSP's All-Time 100 Greatest Music Videos

Not the best. Nobody's claiming that. In fact there's some epic slop contained within, but it's epic slop that requires multiple viewings just to confirm that you really are watching it and not just living in some comedy goldmine dream.

There's about 40 more that were on my shortlist but I couldn't find a place for. Your suggestions on any undiscovered gold welcome in the comments.

100 - Technotronic - Megamix
Chock full of Ya Kid K, Felly and people in bike shorts. Reminds me of being nine years old all over again. In these tough economic times only Technotronic, or perhaps the C&C Music Factory, can save us.

99 - No Doubt - It's My Life
Witness Gwen Stefani at her all time second hottest (more on the winner later) murdering her bandmates, attacking a judge and being dragged to the gas chamber. All good clean family fun there.

98 - Phoenix - Too Young
French pop aboard a fishing trawler. Always have a second job in case you don't make it in the music industry.

97 - PM Dawn - Gotta Be Movin' On Up
The video that made one of the worst films of all time look like it was worth watching. I remember this having an awesome run on Video Hits for a month despite the single only scraping the top 40.

96 - Johnny Cash - Chicken In Black
The gigantic career trough that Cash hit in the 80's might have been painful for Johnny, his fans and his accountant but at least it produced this video. Kountry fried komedy!

95 - Nik Kershaw - Wouldn't It Be Good
Kersh, synths and a chromakey suit. What else do you need? Other than having him on a flat-bed truck touring drought ridden Australia to lift the spirits of farmers I can't think of anything.

94 - The Prodigy - Smack My Bitch Up
A POV trip through the night of an off-chops clubber who turns out to be... Oh as if you haven't seen this before.

93 - Electric Six - Gay Bar
The video that suggested Abraham Lincoln was running an all-male 'club' in the White House, and that gerbils were somehow involved. Despite this all making it past the censors they obscure the term "nuclear war" instead in a bizarre attempt to be wacky. This isn't the last we'll see in this countdown from this particular Electric Six album.

92 - Weezer - Buddy Holly
Don't hate it just because it was, for some reason, included as part of Windows 95. Love it because it's a centimetre perfect piss-take of Happy Days, made to look as if it was taking place on the show but featuring the opening line "What's with these homies dissing my girl". Comes Ritchie Cunningham approved.

91 - Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf
Simon LeBon on the pissfart in Sri Lanka. Part of an insane run of expensive videos recorded before teenage girls grew up and everyone else lost interest.

90 - Notorious BIG - Mo Money, Mo Problems
A video clip and golf tournament rolled into one. Released posthumously after Biggie was shot dead (and how come it's always Tupac that supposedly lived?) this pre-dated Tiger Woods' first major win by a year but provided us with the one and only because of video evidence of Puff Daddy sinking a birdie putt.

89 - Eddy Huntington - USSR
Italo Eddie, English superstud is unable to film his video due to constant female interference. Must have been a terrible lifestyle. Even while doing earnest, hands on headphones singing in the studio he can't concentrate for groupies jumping in front of the window. On this video alone he should have been a superstar.

88 - Sylvia Night - Congratulations
Iceland's entrant in the Eurovision song contest mocks the likes of Britney and Paris and shows just how a novelty video should be done.

87 - Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five - The Message
Badly dressed urban poetry which finishes like any good rap video should, with the cops showing up and arresting everyone.

86 - Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights
The more popular Bush prances around a field doing ethereal things and wailing about a book that nobody has read since 1902.

85 - The Gap Band - You Dropped A Bomb On Me
Moderately camp. No, wait.. extremely camp.

84 - Madonna - Material Girl
Madge does her best Marilyn and a shonky storyline featuring a creepy beardo ensues.

83 - Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew - Super Bowl Shuffle
There's nothing like untrained singers with a microphone. Especially if they're 300lb linebackers who can barely string a sentence together as it is. The star turn is by quarterback Jim McMahon. Apparently they filmed this the week before the Superbowl, which would have made it even better had they lost the game. Sadly they won and we're spared the most expensive blooper reel in history but there's still more than enough here to keep you amused through multiple viewings. Interesting, for a team who were a week away from the game of their lives none of them look particuarly sober. At least they could play football better than they could dance.

82 - Princess Superstar - Bad Babysitter
Morally questionable antics of an allegedly 15-year-old babysitter who looks about 40 and spends four minutes tormenting a poor allegedly Jewish ginger child and blowing random guys in the shower.

81 - The Fall - Kicker Conspiracy
Mark E Smith, the greatest lunatic of the 20th century, ranting on the state of British football in 1983 at Turf Moor, home of Burnley. Bonus points for terrible miming in the visitors dugout while puffing on a ciggy. Angry, angry young man.

80 - Twisted Sister - We're Not Gonna Take It
The video that celebrated domestic abuse. Where, in a watershed moment in American history, a gigantic transvestite with shoulderpads that Maggie Taberer wouldn't have been seen dead in is declared the winner of a moral argument. Role of strict disciplinarian father provided by one of the noted tightarses from National Lampoon's Animal House in a fine piece of casting.

I always wondered just what sort of a flogging that guy would have dished out to the kind once the clip was over. It's fine to disrespect your mentally unstable father when Twisted Sister are there to protect you, but once they're gone who's going to save you from Bing Crosby-esque beatings with lumps of coal in a sock? And kids, that's why you should never side with a cross-dresser over your own father.

79 - Adam And The Ants - Ant Music
An otherwise unremarkable clip saved by the image of somebody pulling the biggest electrical plug EVER out of the wall when he sings about unplugging the jukebox.

78 - PIL - Rise
The former Johnny Rotten, now trading as Lydon, does angry and bug-eyed as elderly homeless people beat rugs and play chess. Strange imagery for a song about South African police interrogation methods in the 1980's, but effective nonetheless.

77 - The Teenagers - Homecoming
The filthiest and most morally bankrupt song of all time is offset with a bunch of teenagers (see what they did there?) pillow fighting and eating cupcakes. Sweet and sleaze played off perfectly in a video that probably cost $500 to make.

76 - Dr. Dre - Fuck Wit Dre Day
The soon to be late Eazy-E ruthlessly parodied by his former bandmate and a ridiculously young Snoop Dogg. Alas, very little was resolved before the E caught the HIV (now I'm a rapper) a couple of years later and passed away.

75 - Talking Heads - Once In A Lifetime
David Byrne in "off his nut" shock horror. As covered by David Boon on the Late Show.

74 - Pulp - Common People
Jarvis in a shopping trolley. Enough said.

73 - The Libertines - Up The Bracket
The permanently off-chops Pete Doherty and bandmates wandering down an alleyway then dressing up the Beatles and encouraging one of the women present to do the wildest nonsensical robotic dancing ever. Actually all dancing is nonsensical if you think about it. Warning: somebody in this clip may very well have been under the influence.

72 - Eminem - My Name Is
The track and video that saved white rap eight years after the horror of Vanilla Ice.

71 - Robbie Williams - Supreme
Robbie joins the 1970's Formula One circuit. Perfectly made to look retro. It's one thing to rip your skin off and throw your liver at a rollerskater like the in the Rock DJ video, but it's another to make us believe that you could possibly have lined up on the grid next to Jackie Stewart despite having spent the previous decade doing drugs.

70 - Phatts and Small - Turn Around
Shiny jacketed DJ'ing in a record store. Memorable.

69 - Air - Kelly Watch The Stars
Probably the only video ever to feature a ladies table tennis match. Much less one where the scores go up and down in a non-sensical fashion.

68 - Lionel Ritchie - Hello
Ludicrously overblown, and therefore hillarious, clip for the ultimate power ballad wherein Lionel takes an unhealthy interest in a blind teenage girl only for her to somehow have visions of him and sculpt the most unconvincing likeness of all time.

67 - Night Ranger - Sister Christian
Fantastically over the top power balladry. Strangely enough while the song is all about the girl 'waiting', the video seems to indicate that she's trying to bonk the entire band.

66 - Rammstein - Ich Wil
Germans in bank heist fiasco. Doesn't end in glory.

65 - Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
Perhaps it's just urban myth that the crowd weren't supposed to go as apeshit as they did, but it certainly helped the atmosphere. Made you want to jump around like a goose in 1991.

64 - Pulp - This Is Hardcore
1950's movie pastiche for cruelly underrated career highlight.

63 - ABC - The Look of Love
One of the most knowingly silly videos ever. From the band dressed like 1930's dandies, to flying nuns, ballerinas and a man eating spaghetti that turns out to be an electrical plug it's got all sorts of shenanigans. At least I hope it's not meant to be serious... Highlight is undoubtedly when Martin Fry is attacked by the puppet alligator and starts fighting with it.

62 - Michael Jackson - Billie Jean
Many would have Thriller, but all that zombie bullshit pales into comparison when you put it up against the sidewalk which lights up when he walks down it. If Robert Doyle wants to make Melbourne friendly again the first thing he should do is replace the length of Swanston Street with a light-up musical sidewalk that plays this track.

61 - Leonard Cohen - Closing Time
Where the grumpiest man in the world surrounds himself with flying chairs and attractive young ladies and finally cracks a smile for the first time in 40 years.

60 - Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage
Knowingly odd, featuring glowing elderly 'bits'.

59 - Chas and Dave - Snooker Loopy
Utter stupidity about the hidden traits and talents of otherwise dull snooker players. Eminently watchable just for the cringe and/or drunken music hall singalong factor. Could be covered and adapted to pretty much any sport ("Footy loops nuts are we?" Cue the big Fev and Buddy Franklin pissing about) but alas remains on the novelty track scrapheap.

58 - Elastica - Car Song
To say I had the hots for Justine and Donna in this video when I was 14 would be a significant understatement.

57 - The Smiths - Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before
With Johnny Marr already having pulled the pin and The Smiths breaking up around him, Morrissey leads a cast of Mozalikes on a quick bike tour of Manchester landmarks. Complete lack of helmets or safety gear an oversight rather than a mid 80's emo attemped suicide and cry for help. The last great hurrah of The Smiths, and part of an amazing hot-streak that he rode through the start of his solo career until the frankly average Kill Uncle album.

56 - Howard Jones - I'd Like To Get To Know You Well
Once seen very few forget the sight of Howard dressed in what basically amounted to a pirate costume, wandering around London shaking hands with bemused tourists. Everyone loves this video, even if they're not always sure why.

55 - Murray Head - One Night In Bangkok
Hands up if you've actually seen Chess: The Musical.. I don't think it even really exists, just some joke cooked up by the guys from Abba to get this track into the charts. The track itself is fine, but Murray's distainful comments about the city are so much more interesting when you can see him do his "spiteful" facial expression at the same time. That's what you get when you have an actor singing your song - the voice might be all over the shop but the mood is spot on.

Pay special attention to the producers startling refusal to hire any actual Asians to play the citizens of Bangkok. The black guy isn't fooling anyone, and the other bloke seems to be a white man with some dirt on his face and off-lighting.

Track, and video, surprisingly underutilised during recent Thai political crisis. Where was the "One Week in Bangkok Airport" parody by a stranded traveller? It's not like there's anything else to do in Bangkok to pass your time is there?

54 - Diamond Rio - It's All In Your Head
The future president of the USA causes a child to end up in a mental institution. For those are into that sort of thing the lead singer sports the best 80's mullet outside B. Ray Cyrus territory.

53 - Milli Vanilli - Baby Don't Forget My Number
Pay close attention to the start of this video. Is it just me or do they both very consciously wipe their noses as if to indicate that they have just hoovered up a truckload of gear? Or did they roll the notes up and have somebody else snort it all Boom boom. Also notable for the ridiculous storyline about a phone number flying out the window, a mystifying cutaway of Prince Charles and Lady Di and the sheer amount of bikeshorts and lycra on offer.

52 - Falco and Brigitte Nielsen - Body Next To Body
In 1987 Austria's most famous (only?) pop star teamed up with Denmark/the world's then hottest woman. Ridiculously large sunglasses, a tuxedo, bleach blonde hair, tunnels full of groping freaks and a wrestling ring seemingly constructed from chains.

In later years she would turn into a sad old bag lady, reduced to cavorting with Flavor Flav on reality television programs. Let us remember her for this and for, oh my god, Rocky IV not for the cavortions with a clock wearing midget on VH1.

51 - Suede - Animal Nitrate
Tower block sexual shenanigans featuring cross dressers and Brett Anderson when he was worth jumping the fence for.

50 - Ol' Dirty Bastard - Got Your Money
The late ODB's predictably insane mixture of music video and blacksplotiation movies with help from a pre-fame Kelis. Had his own troubles with "the man" and did an impromptu speech at the Grammy awards - well, wouldn't you be pissed if you'd just lost to Shawn Colvin - before, err, dying. Colvin's career is going just as well.

49 - The Strokes - Someday
A day in the life of the band who, at the time, were the future of rock. Foul looking food, alcohol, a random meeting with Slash, pinball and watching South Korea knock Italy out of the 2002 World Cup are covered. Then it's off to the set of Family Feud - hosted by Al freaking Borland from Home Improvement - for a game show smackdown with the infinately less successful Guided By Voices.

48 - Cake - Short Skirt, Long Jacket
Even if, like me, you refuse to believe that the 'unsolicited' testimonials for the song from randoms in the street are real it's still a great angle.

47 - The Housemartins - Happy Hour
The world's most twee band produce the world's most twee video. Witness a young Norman "Fatboy Slim" Cook poncing down the street and into his local for some clay-mation, darts and a few pints of.. err orange juice. Well, they were christians after all. Post split one of them would very christianly attack his business partner with an axe and end up in jail. At the time, though, they were the band least likely to pick up groupies.

46 - Mi-Sex - Computer Games
Still popular for the vision of Atari 2600 - or worse - games running wild in the background as the band present the vision of a future where everyone spent their lives playing Wizard of Wor.

The most sinister personal ad I ever saw was a lady who was desperate to meet somebody who looked like the lead singer of Mi-Sex. This was shortly after he died in a car crash. You don't think it was his wife do you?

45 - Nada Surf - Popular
The teacher yelled at his staff, a million teenage nerd girls fell in love and nobody ever heard of the band again. Note none too subtle homoerotic overtones in the shower scene.

44 - TISM - Thunderbirds Are Coming Out
An endless succession of Melbourne bands you never heard of, and a school orchestra, are dragged out to the sing the track before TISM show up with a second left. Beautiful.

43 - Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For
An 8 minute epic of doctor surgeries, bizarre Japanese girls and Alice in Wonderland shenanigans.

42 - Warrick Capper - I Only Take What's Mine
Right up there in the worst song/worst video of all time charts. I could watch this on a loop for 24 hours and never get bored.

41 - Divinyls - I Touch Myself
Where Chrissie Amphlett, for so long seen piss farting around dressed as a schoolgirl like the female equivalent of him from AC/DC, officially became the first ever MILF.

40 - Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me
Butch female builders attempt to destroy house containing one armed drummer and lead singer with an Armadillo stuffed down his strides.

39 - B52's - Rock Lobster
Pure and simple madness on an epic scale. I don't think it's unfair to suggest that every single person in this clip is well and truly off their nut.

38 - The Cardigans - My Favourite Game
Intense highway driving in the desert by a blonde Swedish woman. When they play this on TV you never see the fact that she's actually put a brick on the accelerator, or that she's veering from lane to lane and causing cars to fly off the road left, right and centre. In fact once you remove the automobile carnage I'm not sure how they came up with another version of the clip.

Other video masterstrokes include the fake tattoo wearing off on the seat, and the bandages on her arm. What was wrong with her in the first place? We'll never know.

Ends memorably with one of the few attempted suicides in the history of music video, just as the radio announces the Cardigans latest single. Naturally it doesn't pan out and they almost ruin the whole thing with a corny joke.

37 - The Smiths - This Charming Man
The notoriously video shy Moz swings flowers around in a small white room and millions fall in love.

36 - Beastie Boys - Body Movin'
EPIC pissfarting around. Would be a great video even if you muted the song. Features the best sword fight in music history.

35 - Louis XIV - Paper Doll
Suicide Girls. Topless. Enough said. NSFW unless you work at a titty bar.

34 - The Pretenders - Brass In Pocket
Chrissie Hynde as a waitress attempts to pick her band up with varying results. Notable chiefly for the great moment when it says "special" and the band all hold up menus with SPECIAL written on them.

33 - Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Two Tribes
The leaders of the world's two great superpowers duke it out in a mud wrestling pit while Holly Johnson, the man who just a few months before was enjoying a full scale orgy in the Relax video, does commentary like an early version of the reporter from the Iron Chef. In the end everyone dies.

32 - The Rentals - Friends Of P
Fake 80's Russian shenanigans. Probably the best budget/entertainment ratio in history.

31 - Hall And Oates - Private Eyes
Fake detective shenanigans, and that wily minx Oates trying to get you to look into his eyes a'la Barney from How I Met Your Mother.

30 - KLF and Tammy Wynette - Justified and Ancient
Tammy Wynette, country music legend, is somehow roped into playing the Queen of Mu-mu land in a video and singing about the KLF driving an ice-cream van. Stay around for the rap at the end (not performed by Tammy sadly) which is effectively all about ice cream. Make mine a 99 indeed. Somehow managed to reinvigorate Tammy's otherwise finished career.

29 - The Skatt Brothers - Life At The Outpost
Late 70's Canadian attempt at doing butch disco, but actually ending up looking like leather night at an all-male sauna. Attempts to sex it up by having a skanky barmaid riding a mechanical bull aren't convincing anyone. Shirts are clearly in short supply at the outpost. Look closely towards the end for the shot of the guy who looks terrified, as if they've drugged and abducted him to be in the video.

28 - The Jacksons - Can You Feel It
Possibly the last time they were all seen in a room together without lawyers, and before Michael's face started to fall off, this is off the charts. Even with the pissy spoken word intro to the clip this is like being present for the second coming of Jesus. Waterfalls, stars, fire, water, lasers and gold jumpsuits. No wonder Star City ripped off the clip lock, stock and barrel for their ads a few years back.

27 - Madonna - Justify My Love
The highpoint of Madge's sleaze period. The only person she doesn't cop off with in this video is the viewer, and I've always found that a massive disappointment. She then proceeded to get cold feet about the whole "norgs akimbo" thing and started pumping out babies instead.

26 - Radiohead - Paranoid Android
The song? Hate it with a passion. The video? Pure genius. The characters are from a show called (I think.. ) Robin and Friends which used to be watched by nobody but me SBS of a Saturday night. Six minutes of shenanigans.

25 - Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You
One off French video insanity to accompany the greatest dance track of all time. Child constucts glider while watching ever changing fake pop charts on TV and showing an unnatural interest in Samanthra's "Sex On The Beach" but less so in the Boogie Brotherz smash #1 "Inferno". Eventually Stardust go to number one - and rightly fucking so - causing conditions that allow the kid to lob the glider into the clouds where it's caught by... Stardust. Doing exactly the same as their #1 video.

24 - Stevie Nicks - I Can't Wait
So ridiculously over the top and 80's that it's impossible not to love. And even though she's dressed like a baglady throughout Stevie is kind of cute in it. Somewhere in the outer suburbs there is surely an over 28's club where the women still dress like this, and I would have to say I support it.

23 - Albert One - Turbo Diesel
Italo disco 'smash' (i.e - nobody has ever heard of it) featuring a fat man in a call that falls apart gradually throughout the clip. A beautiful woman sits around next to a terrible looking one, both bored out of their brains while fat porky tries to work out what's wrong with his Italian flag adorned vehicle. What's wrong with is that there's a very obviously attached rope that's pulling bits of it off. Barmy.

22 - No Doubt - Simple Kind Of Life
Depressive Stefani has a nervous breakdown about not being married and having kids. Breaks up with her entire band and destroys a room full of wedding cakes during the course of the song. Sports a pink ultra-perm and wedding dress combo which almost made me fall off my seat the first time I saw the clip - which wasn't often given that this got to about number 437 on the ARIA charts. Eventually she gets her wish for a kid by finding some black child in the street and just nicking it in a legally dubious fashion.

21 - Pat Benetar - Love Is A Battlefield
I'll never get over the fact that my scholarly analysis of this video, which proved beyond any doubt that Pat had to leave home because she had seduced her younger brother, was lost in the great TSP Towers archive destruction of '08. Contains so many great moments that it's hard to list them. Having said that, the dance off with the pimp is the undoubted highlight of the clip.

20 - Sid Vicious - My Way
In which the tone deaf Pistol does a proto-karaoke tuneless run through the Sinatra standard with amusingly altered lyrics before flipping out and shooting the audience.

19 - Radiohead - Just
The most overrated band of all time somehow deliver one of the great clips, for one of their handful of listenable songs. Man lies on the sidewalk and refuses to move. Eventually explains why to a crowd of onlookers who decided that he's got the right idea and join him. Unfortunately Thom Yorke et al are watching this from an upstairs window, and instead of them lying down as well we're subjected to Kid A and OK Computer instead.

18 - Van Halen - Hot For Teacher
A video with it all. Tormented nerd children called Waldo, David Lee Roth as the best damn bus driver ever and a school where, for some unknown reason, the kids are treated to daily bikini shows by people with names like "Miss Phys Ed". As an episode of Pop Up Video once pointed out there were adults present to make sure that none of the kids was exploited, but nobody was there to make sure the girls involved weren't. At 2.20 the dance routine of the millenium begins.

17 - Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
So many iconic moments, so many unconvincing attempts to make the man his mother calls Robert Van Winkle (*snort*) look 'street'. The dance, the clothes, the Asian bird seductively tonguing an ice cream. The kids now just wouldn't understand. Hillariously Ice Van Winkle denied that he'd lifted the opening from Under Pressure and instead claimed that he'd independantly come up with something that sounded identical.

16 - TISM - Greg! The Stop Sign!
Surely the first and last video to be filmed predominantly at Moorabbin Oval. Definately the last clip which will ever feature a Wakelin brother, Josh Kitchen (who!?) and various other players riding exercise bikes and hitting punching bags. Then there's a dog eating.. Well I wouldn't want to ruin it for you. Watch for the choreographed handball drill.

15 - Public Enemy - 911 Is A Joke
Flavor Flav let loose with riotous consequences. Highlights include the New Flavor Dance, Original Recipe Flavor and a purple raincoat/jumpsuit. Witness Flav scaring the shit out of two kids at about 2.49 before rising from the dead. One of the few great comedy moments from a band that took itself far too seriously.

14 - Nirvana - Heartshaped Box
Clearly the most sinister thing ever committed to tape by major recording artists. It's no surprises he topped himself a few months later.

13 - Jane's Addiction - Been Caught Stealing
The song which encourage you to nick things, featuring a video chock full of fat men cross-dressing and shoving things up their skirt. Not to mention Perry Farrell with a stocking over his head.

12 - Beastie Boys - Sabotage
The greatest TV cop show that never was.

11 - Pulp - Bad Cover Version
Not only are a cast of celebrity lookalikes dragged to appear in the video, but they actually sing it in character as well. The last, commercially unsound hoorah, of a band who spent three times as much time being unpopular than they did selling records.

10 - Beck - Sexx Laws

Easily the funniest thing Jack Black has ever done, even if every version of the clip on the net cuts his classic speech at the end of the clip in half. Humping washing machines, shagging cans of Spam (or SMEAT if you prefer) and a zebra on banjo. What else do you want? I want the full speech at the end where he yells "I PICKED COTTON!" that's what I want. "Empty wallets, empty parking lots. That's not my style" etc..

9 - Fleetwood Mac - Tusk

Sheer insanity in a football stadium. In a piece of wild post modernism it's shot as a making of video of... itself. The first 2.35 show how they got to.. the last twenty seconds. Great concept, cocaine is a hell of a drug. Features various members of the band completely off their chops, dancing, drinking and presumably sniffing a lot. The look on Stevie Nicks' face at 1.06 when she turns around and realises there's a camera pointing at her is priceless.

The longer version of the clip even has credits. More insanity!

8 - The Village People - Sex Over The Phone

Officially the most unintentionally hillarious thing ever recorded. In a desperate, last ditch, post-HIV attempt at relevance the Peeps release a track encouraging you to keep your shagging safe and only do it on a landline. To illustrate this they cartwheel through four minutes of homo-erotic shenanigans, awful acting and dancing that will make you want to cut your legs off with a chainsaw.

The track, and video, are surely crying out to be covered as part of a mobile phone ad.

7 - Bob Dylan - Subterranean Homesick Blues

Not a deliberate music video as such, but the clip that made it all possible.

6 - Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

A young man is tortured by sadistic scientists in a lab where everything including the pencils are helpfully labelled. Every time he picks a girl as his favourite object he's given the big electric shock. Eventually he learns not to pick the girl, then they start only giving him girls as options. Eventually turns into an all-star electro fest where he starts shooting bolts of lightning out of his hands in the general direction of the ladies bits.

Like a smarter version of those Eric Prydz and Benny Benassi videos from the same era which offered us little more than jiggling norgs.

5 - Judas Priest - Breaking The Law

So much crime, and so many questions to be answered from just 2.35 of actual clip. How do you rob a bank with an electric guitar? Why bring the drum kit with you as well if you're trying to get away? What sort of self-respecting bank has bars that can be ripped open like spaghetti? Why did they have to steal their own gold records? And how great a moment is it when the security decides that he can't be stuffed catching the crooks and plays the riff on a cardboard guitar instead. 1980's finest.

4 - Electric Six - Dance Commander

Simultaneous house destruction and clips of a comedy general cracking onto chicks. The most manic lead performance in video history.

3 - TISM - Whatareya?

TISM guest start on Aerobics Oz Style, but quickly tired of the fitness antics, drag out a catch, rip open a tinnie and start watching the footy instead. Chaos ensues when the fitness instructor spills somebody's beer in the last few seconds and gets the shit kicked through him.. while the rest of the aerobics troupe continue their routine. Spectacular anarchy.

2 - Yo La Tengo - Sugarcube

The ultimate pisstake of the music industry. Watch the world's most non-commercial band attempt to learn to be rock stars. Madness and comedy ensues, but still nobody buys the albums.

1 - Cibo Matto - Know Your Chicken

Undoubtedly the greatest achievement in music video history. A completely incomprehensible story about chickens, with lyrics allegedly sung in english, is enlivened by the helpfully labelled story of a man, woman and chicken. Man brings chicken home and it takes over his house, before ending up as dinner. Features an advertisement halfway through for Ezekial Kinkade's International House of Chicken - a business name which I fully intend to steal one day. After destroying some comedy power lines the chicken eventually goes to heaven and everyone's happy. Breathtaking.

UPDATE - I knew I'd forget something. How could I leave out the ASBO wet dream that is Shampoo's Bouffant Headbutt..


UPDATE 2.0 - I shall keep adding here as the classics mount up;

Alcazar - Crying at the Discotheque


Men Without Hats - Safety Dance


No More Kings - Sweep The Leg Johnny

2 comments:

Jamie said...

Wot? No Duran Duran's Girls On Film? For shame!

Adam 1.0 said...

It's a tit overload. Plus fat men in nappies. Just say no.