TSP's Guide to Firing Up The Games

Let's face it - for all the Aussie gold (which, for once, is not as much as the British gold and will presumably lead to shitloads of tax payer money being wasted to catch up) the Olympics are actually a bit tedious. Having been suckered into watching far too much of this stuff over the last couple of weeks I hereby tender the following suggestions for improving the entertainment value of the games.

* Give any judge who is kicked in the head by a disgruntled competitor the automatic right to challenge for the gold medal


* Run both the Men's and Women's Marathons at exactly the same time but in opposite directons across the course.

* Award Gold, Silver and Bronze in both the male and female disciplines to the athletes who get laid the most during their time in the Olympic Village. When it comes to spending your marketing budget landing a sporting superstar that's the medal tally I want to be having my money on. This should also help the lacklustre figures in this event during 2008 after world record attempts in Sydney and Athens.

* Mix up the relays. Make them have two men and two women. Then randomly draw the order in which each team must run.

* Replace boring normal tennis with Royal Tennis and watch a handful of people trying to serve off the penthouse. Alternatively Jai Alai would make a splash if you could find an Olympic standard fronton somewhere.

* Goodbye Decathalon. Hello Olympic "It's A Knockout"

* Further modernise the Modern Pentathalon by bringing in Playstation 3 and text messaging components. Use of predictive text means an instant DQ.

* Ban any gymnast under 15, and any BMX rider over 15. Then replace both softball and baseball with the Little League World Series.

* Throw Judo, Boxing, Wrestling and all the other pissy combat sports out and replace them with world series Ultimate Fighting Championship cagefighting.

* If you must have amateur wrestling make them do it in a professional ring. With entrance music, stunt chairs and pre-cut tables that they're allowed to throw people through.

* Introduce a "go for your life" category in the weightlifting where people are allowed to take whatever they like without fear of drug testing.

* Run the Steeplechase race under "No Holds Barred" rules where you trip, eye gouge and crash tackle people into the water hazard as much as you want for 3000 metres.

* Include a jousting section into the fencing.

* Lauren Jackson to be drafted into the Russian women's basketball team and both to be shown on a dedicated channel 24/7.

* Have two spots in each event reserved for a random draw of athletes from other sports. Then we can decide who's better between Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps with a game of table tennis, while Miao Miao can have a go at Super Heavyweight weightlifting.

* Replace the soccer rule that allows you to have 2 "over 23" players with one that allows you to have two under 30's and the rest have to be veterans.

* Take dressage out of the equestrian program and replace it with Harness Racing.

* Cancel all sailing events and instead hold an 18ft skiff regatta like the ones you used to see on during the lunch break of cricket matches.

* Swimming = wave pool and no lanes.

* Hold the open water swimming events down a river filled with needles and burnt out stolen cars. This will ensure that the Highpoint 2016 bid has a fair chance of succeeding.

* Let China drop the charade about being a fair and democratic nation just in time for the Closing Ceremony where they'll be allowed to publicly execute anyone they want and invade a small bordering nation.

* Have the closing ceremony created, concieved and organised by the winners of a worldwide reality TV series.

And for the next Winter Olympics Vancouver 2010 I suggest cancelling every single event and replacing it with a massive version of the Wide World Of Sports Wild Winter Weekend, hosted by Max Walker and Ken Sutcliffe with Darryl Eastlake on commentary.

International Olympic Committee. I am here for you.