TennisMania 2019

Tennis could do with a rev up, so instead of nonsense like Fast Four let's improve it with a professional wrestling atmosphere.

The following pay per view extravaganza will be held on the Monday night immediately after the Australian Open finishes. In fact, why not just cancel that tournament now and play this instead.

Main Event

Loser leaves the Davis Cup

Lleyton Hewitt vs Bernard Tomic 

It's been threat, allegation and counter-threat from both sides of this red hot sporting feud. Now we settle it with a five set match to the death. No super tiebreakers, no injury time outs, no code violations. The loser is banned FOREVER from taking part in, or attending, Davis Cup matches.

Fresh from his challenge match earlier on the card, special guest umpire Nick Kyrgios will be in the chair for this one. Does he call it straight down the line, favour one of the competitors, or get bored and walk off?

Semi Main Events

The Woodies Collide

Mark Woodbridge vs Mark Woodforde

They did their finest work together, now we discover who the real leader of the team is, as the Grand Slam legends go into battle for the right to be the one true Woodie.

Name the Stadium Match

Margaret Court vs Rennae Stubbs

TennisMania Commissioner John Alexander has put the naming rights to Margaret Court Arena on the line. It's personal freedom vs the word of God, as Margaret turns to divine intervention to try and keep her name up in lights against persistent critic Rennae. Is Margaret game to shake hands if she loses, or is she afraid of 'catching The Gay'?

Preliminary Contests

Winner Takes All One Off Grand Slam Winner Challenge

Pat Cash vs Mark Edmonson

The 1976 Australian Open against Wimbledon 1987. The winner goes home with both titles.

Handicap Match

John Newcombe, Pat Rafer and Tony Roche vs Mark Phillipoussis and John Fitzgerald

The feuds and bitterness over the Davis Cup scene of the early 2000s were never sorted out. Until now.

Tag Team Doubles Extravaganza

"Fiery" Fred Stolle and Sandon Stolle vs Mark Kratzmann and Andrew Kratzmann

Families go to war. Who will become a dynasty?

Ripped Shirt Match

Andrew Ille vs Wayne Arthurs (w/ Peter Tramacchi)

The flamboyant Ille vs straightlaced, Glen Iris product Arthurs in a match where the first man who has to remove his shirt loses. The eminently sensible Arthurs has vowed that he will never been tearing his shirt off in public, but we'll see which man cracks first in the searing heat of a Melbourne summer. Arthurs will be accompanied by his manager and former doubles partner Peter Tramacchi.

Mixed Company Wooden Racquet Match

Rod Laver and Evonne Goolagong Cawley vs Ken Rosewall and Wendy Turnbull

Stars of the past collide in this nostalgic battle played in whites under genuine 1960s rules. Winner must do a graceful leap of the net to commiserate with his opponent.

20 Man Over The Top Legends Battle Royale

Carsten Ball, Darren Cahill, Scott Draper, Josh Eagle, Matthew Ebden, Roy Emerson, Richard Fromberg, Sam Groth, Chris Guccione, Paul Hanley, Alun Jones, Brydan Klein, Todd Larkham, Peter Luczak, Marinko Matosevic, Wally Masur, Jamie Morgan, Peter McNamara, Paul McNamee and Peter Tramacchi

No tennis, just manly grappling as these stars of the past occupy one half of the court and try to eliminate their opponents by tossing them over the net.

Six woman, losers must de-hyphenate match

Siobhan Drake-Brockman, Dianne Fromholz Ballestrat and Jo-Anne Faull vs Kerry-Anne Guse, Michelle Jaggard-Lai and Judy Tegart-Dalton

Which three competitors will be forced to drop part of their name? International guest Zina Garrison-Jackson and Brenda Schultz-McCarthy will be guest commentators.

Reinstatement Match

Nick Lindahl vs Simon Youl 

Lindahl is serving a seven year ban for trying to rig a match in Toowoomba, and as he's petitioned to be allowed back into the sport, Commissioner Alexander has announced that he'll be reinstated if he can beat 80s champion Youl. The Tasmanian and former World Number 80 has returned from retirement to stand up for the integrity of the game.

Silly Name Smackdown

Destanee Aiava vs Storm Sanders

Loser must adopt a realistic first name.

Women's Survivor Series team challenge

Liz Smylie (c), Alenka Hubacek , Rachel McQuillan and Annabel Ellwood vs Jelena Dokic (c), Evie Dominikovic, Trudi Musgrave and Anne Minter

Two teams of four battle for bragging rights in an elimination format

Respect Match

Thanassi Kokkinakis vs Stan Wawrinka

The Australian was alleged to have famously engaged in hanky panky with the Swiss star's girlfriend. We sort that controversy out, with the two to play until one admits that he respects his opponent. The girl in question will go home with... whoever she wants.

Hair vs Hair Celebrity Challenge Match

Nick Kyrgios vs Dawn Fraser (w/ Roger Rasheed and Andrew Johns)

The loser will be shaved BALD in the middle of the court. Will Dawn lose her grandmotherly locks, or is Nick's barnet in danger? Will Dawn's entourage of Nick haters tip the balance in her favour?

Battle of the retired TV hosts"Male Model from Mudgee" Ken Sutcliffe vs Bruce McAvaney

Bruce always had a higher profile with Australian fans due to his role in the home Slam, but the discerning tennis lover was hanging out for Ken's Channel 9 led coverage of the international slams. And if you wanted to know what was going in tennis between the slams then stiff shit buy a magazine.