My collection of screenshots for posts that no longer exist suggest that there was also coverage of 911 Is A Joke, A View To A Kill, Body Movin', Boys Light Up, Breaking The Law, Doin' The Do, Fairytale of New York, Goonies 'R Good Enough, Greg! The Stop Sign, Hit The North, Hot For Teacher, I Know What Boys Like, I Like To Watch, Just, Kick It, Let's Dance, Long Hot Summer, Love is a Battlefield, Make a Move On Me, Owner of a Lonely Heart, Pleasure and Pain, Private Eyes, Rise, Sabotage, Save Your Love, Sex Over The Phone, Sexx Laws, Someday, The Look of Love, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Touch It, Turbo Diesel and You're The Voice plus multi video retrospectives covering Falco and Madonna. What a rich tapestry. And more importantly what an indication of how much time I had on my hands 15 years ago.
Anyway, after 10 years on the sidelines I've been inspired to revive this segment after discovering a video so bonkers it's a wonder it took me until 2019 to see it.
Like most people of my vintage the only thing I knew about Ozzy Osbourne beyond his appearances as a shambling reality TV figure was that he once took a piss on the Alamo and chomped the head off a bat while on stage. Then about two months ago a chance encounter with a classic hard rock show on digital radio made me realise that his off chops 80s output speaks to me in a way I'd never expected. And so, here we are with 1986's The Ultimate Sin, a music video with more giffable reaction shots than anything I've ever seen in my life.
In a none-more-80s scenario the video is a parody of Dallas. The Young Ones did likewise two years previous, but even they didn't spin off into the same strange and mystical areas as Ozzy.
And here's your CEO, looking for all money like a 45 year old divorced housewife at a country and western bar.
Sadly he receives unfortunate news over the phone. I think from the remainder of the video that they're telling him his missus has carked it but who would actually know. Chemicals may have been involved.
Here he is looking even more like your Year 8 geography teacher Mrs. Rottencrotch.
For the rest of the video it appears that watching footage of his own performances is the only thing that brings poor old Ozzy any joy.
Christ only knows what's going on here but it's not the last we'll see of her.
Back at the office, where Ozzy is channelling the level of interest and personal fulfilment we all get from our work.
Actually I'm not sure he even knew there was a video being filmed.
Oh, here she is again. Appearing as a stern, ghostly apparition at the end of a boardroom table filled by people found in a casting call for 'corporate yes men'.
This makes Ozzy incredible happy. Which is why the rest of the video makes no earthly sense.
Kids, when your school careers counsellor asks where you want to work I expect you will answer OZZY OIL.
So he legs it out of the office, dives into a limo and drives off like he's trying to avoid Casper the Attractively Stern Ghost.
And settles in for another viewing of his own live performance with the face of a man who's just realised the wife has gone out and he can have a Cape Schank...
... possibly while thinking about this face.
Then, in the most rushed ending (but, it must be said, far more satisfying) cinematic ending since No Country For Old Men we skip to Ozzy poolside, where his further enjoyment of himself live is ruined by old mate turning up in the crowd. This time she hasn't got red devil eyes. Is there a director's cut we can consult to understand why?
This displeases the man so greatly that he takes the portable TV and like any good rock star lobs it into the pool.
The spook in red appears in the flesh at last, provoking Ozzy to stalk her like he's just snorted a line of ants...
... and lob her into a pool. Does water kill a ghost? Wouldn't she just pass through the water and come back to haunt him later?
And after a salute that even the ponciest military wanker would have to admire...
... a horse has a nice lie down (or dies, we can't be entirely sure) and that's the end of play. What's all that about? Christ only knows.
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