TSP's 10 point plan to save the A-League

First a declaration - my interest in the A-League is more as a dispassionate onlooker than a supporter. The standard of football is terrible, the rivalries are manufactured, the team I support was banned for being too foreign, and the winning team is given what appears to be a toilet seat. 

Realistically I couldn't give a continental whether the league prospers or winds up bankrupting everyone involved, but recognising that playing "Fantasy Chairman" is far more interesting than doing actual work I've come up with my plan to at least arrest the competition's violent decline. It may not save the 10 of 11 clubs that are either financially bollocksed or well on the way, but now that the loss of the World Cup bid has effectively harpooned their Plan A for the future (i.e. surely people will get excited for football by 2022), and there doesn't appear to be a Plan B this might be as good as it gets. 

Get your red pens and hate out...

1 - Make it look like people care

Where possible, order every team to close the side of the ground with the cameras on it to 'fans'. It's no wonder that matches only have attendances of 3 or 4 thousand when people see highlights on television and there doesn't appear to be anybody in the ground. Force people to where the camera can see them, and if you have to change the setup of the place to achieve it then do it and do it quickly. There's a big loser vibe hanging around the competition at the moment and it'll be impossible to shake if it goes on too long. Then people will not only stop going to games they'll stop watching them on TV too, Foxtel will decide that it's not worth it and next thing you know it's Central Coast vs Melbourne Heart on Channel 31. On replay. At 3.30am on a Wednesday. 

2 - Accentuate the positive 

Prepare a long term plan for boutique smaller grounds. It's hard to pull a stadium out of thin air, and no doubt heaps of long term contracts were signed in haste during the first years of the competition but other than Victory, Adelaide and Perth you've got teams playing in cavernous stadiums that they're never going to fill regularly. Drop the pipe dream that you're going to get 30k to every match and pump money into the 'secondary' stadiums in each city. Split matches between the main ground and the smaller venues as required. Make the state federations fund the creation of a 'home of football' rectangular stadium in each capital city which can be used by the A-League teams and for state grand finals. 

3 - Put on games that people care about 

Replace midweek games wherever possible with a national cup comp - even if it's just the 11 teams + 21 of the top state league/New Zealand for a 32 team knockout. Seed it so the 11 A-League teams can't play each other and make them all play their first game at the smaller side's ground. If you can't find enough state league teams of a decent standard invite the national sides of Fiji, Solomon Islands, East Timor, PNG etc.. to play, it's not like their players are doing anything else on a Wednesday that they won't be able to get out of. 

4 - Take it to the streets 

Play more matches 'on the road' in cities without A-League teams. Wellington have got the right idea playing one or two games a year in Christchurch and Dunedin - they get bigger crowds there than at home. Can't believe they don't play more games in Geelong, Canberra, Cairns, Tassie etc.. If I was the Gold Coast I'd much rather play a game in Hobart and get 2000 people than 1700 at home. 

The main focus on the comp should how it's presented on TV, having a crowd that can't be seen by the cameras is a bonus. There's building your 'brand' and there's recognising that right now nobody in your city gives a rats and if they do they're almost certainly watching it on television. What it does give you is a chance to show why they should come to your next (heavily promoted on the coverage) home game. 

5 - Know your role

Move the season so it crosses the start of the footy seasons more than the end. There's no point starting the comp during AFL/NRL finals and waiting for people to care comes Round 5, you may as well start it against round 1 or pre-season competitions. It's still not ideal, and there should be as little crossover as possible, but you cannot launch a season against the finals of the two biggest competitions.

More importantly, drop the rhetoric about how it's the world game and how it should be so much more important than 'native' sports. Maybe it should be, but in this country it isn't - just like how it will never be in the US and their league is on a long-term upswing because they've been smart enough to target the right markets instead of annoying everyone else with a sense of entitlement. Junior participation figures are all well and good but it means nothing if all your clubs are bankrupt and the kids chuck it in at 15 to play ping pong instead. 

6 - Find teams people care about 

This might be an outrageous suggestion, but they could invite massive foreign clubs to field a 'reserves' side as the 12th team? Having 11 teams makes no sense, and they could invite a different entrant every season. Even if it's Manchester City reserves playing out of Northcote they'll probably generate more interest and TV coverage where it actually counts than having a team in Townsville. 

Even if you invited more money than brains freaks like Red Bull to field a different team every year they'd probably buy enough decent name foreign players to keep it interesting. It's a grubby path to travel, and it would be unfortunate to have to go in that direction, but the other option is to keep going with teams being propped up by billionaires until they get sick of wasting their money and let the clubs die, leaving the competition with one or two solid, viable teams and a rotating cavalcade of teams from the same city changing their name and going broke every two years. 

 

7 - Reunite with 'old' football 

Embrace state league teams instead of treating them like second class citizens, only good for having their players stolen. Don't be afraid to let them play in summer, integrate their competitions with your reserve/youth teams. Kick out local clubs that are thinly veiled political parties and concentrate on ones being run for the right reason. Play a limited number of state league games as curtain raisers for A-League games.

8 - Rewrite the past 

Hush up about "the bad old days" and how the NSL was apparently a non-stop warzone of ethnic violence. It had its moments, and it's the fault of the people running the game for not doing better to stamp it out, but the majority of matches were conducted in a completely trouble free environment. I seem to recall them even playing the national anthem before every game, something they don't do anymore. 

Next time somebody goes off on a rant about the 'bad old days' (i.e anyone who ever talks about the game on SEN) ask them to name off the top of their head their all-time five best NSL riots. Chances are that they'll struggle to get to three without just making something up. Just because the so called 'football community' can draw a line between 'old football' and 'new football' it doesn't mean everybody else does and the outright lies that are told about what it 'used to be like' do nothing to get the people who think it still is like that to buy into the game. 

9 - Plan for the future
A "B-League" with promotion and relegation might not be viable yet, and it might never be, but identify and nurture the best clubs outside the A-League in Australia and New Zealand. Set up a "Champions League" for the best state league teams to play each other, encourage pre-season friendlies between these sides and the A-League clubs. The league has to stop pretending everything is rosy inside the tent and a complete nightmare outside of it because they're a couple of bored businessmen pulling out away from being in exactly the same situation and playing in front of cow paddocks. 

10 - Admit where you've gone wrong
Don't rush to add any new teams. A second team in Melbourne was probably the right thing to do, especially considering how many sides there are in NSW and Queensland, but it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of lost money for it to work. They should have had two teams in Melbourne and Sydney straight off the bat - there was very little to be gained in building one up and then (supposedly) cutting it in half to create a second team three or four years later. 

It's clear that none of the expansion teams have worked. Wellington just about get away with it despite having ordinary crowds, but they were really just a straight swap for the failed Auckland side that fouled up the average attendances of the first season of the competition. Both North Queensland and  Gold Coast have been failed experiments, either on their last legs or close to. Instead of adding new sides I'd merge those two teams, rebrand them as Queensland and have them play half their games in each location with an eye to television figures instead of crowd attendance. 

The FFA has already given up the idea of adding a West Sydney team for now. Despite the success of the first Sydney side they can barely string a crowd together so it was never going to work except as a tax write-off. There are a lot of places in Australia where you could put a team but you wouldn't make a dime - instead of rolling the dice and hoping for the best, pair teams up with these cities and have them share their games with them instead of expensive new sides with barely any support or financial backing. 

If all else fails just accept that the whole thing is a massive waste of money and give up. Frank Lowy, despite spending the last ten years trying to convince people that Chadstone: The Fashion Capital is better than anything Westfield has to offer I'm here to help. I'm happy to drop everything and come work for the league right now but I want to be paid up front.

TSP's top 50 tracks of 2010

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most prestigious night in international music. The TSP Top 50 for 2010. Which act will walk away with this year's David Lee Roth medal for song of the year? And here's tonight's host...



My lords, ladies and gentlemen. Before we start a quick recap of the top fives of previous years. Full counts from 2007, 2008 and 2009 if you're into that sort of thing and broken YouTube links.

Everything else was lost in the Great Blog Hosting Debacle of 2006. '07 was even extended to a top 100, the folly of which is now shown by the fact that nobody can remember how 3/4 of the songs from 51-100 went.

2005
1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot
2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure
3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La
4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
5. Bloc Party - Helicopter

2006
1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill
2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It
3. Silvia Night - Congratulations
4. Lily Allen - LDN
5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

2007
1. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!
2. New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream
3. The Teenagers - Homecoming
4. Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent
5. Jack Penate - Spit At Stars

2008
1. Lethal Bizzle - The Come Up
2. Neon Neon - Luxury Pool
3. MGMT - Electric Feel
4. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream
5. Fryars - Olive Eyes

2009
1. N.A.S.A - Spacious Thoughts (featuring Tom Waits and Kool Keith)
2. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
3. Boy Crisis - The Fountain of Youth
4. Bat For Lashes - Daniel
5. Low Fidelity All Stars - The Good Times

As we can see no artist has ever made the top five twice. Most of them have released a follow-up album of three but never managed to scale the heights of their TSP award winning performance. BUT, this year somebody breaks that trend. Who will it be? Sadly for all of us I can confirm that it's not Silvia Knight.

Before we begin, a short explanation of how we got here. Throughout the year tracks are dumped into one big f'off shortlist until December 1 when the list is culled of all the "how desperate was I to get something on the list?" selections and the remainder are pitted against each other in Thunderdome style combat to see what will crack the final fifty. This year's list opened at about 175 and was knocked down to 110ish before the final field.

The usual rules apply. Maximum of two songs per artist and no covers allowed. In the event of a chosen song later turning out to be a cover of an obscure track that nobody has ever heard of I reserve the right to leap from my 11th floor window. Alright Mr. Copperart, let's do it.

50. Savoir Adore - Sarah's Secret
Sounds like a $2 Shop Arcade Fire, but rattles by in 2.42. Given the amount of albums that their soundalikes have sold it's no shame to be the second division version.

49. The Vaccines - Wreckin' Bar (Ra Ra Ra)
Even better, just ninety seconds worth. Coming on like a multi-gender, pop Ramones the Vaccines have been touted as the next big thing which should mean you never hear from them again.

48. Naive New Beaters - LA Trumpets
The sort of thing that you'd never get away with if you weren't French. Another ninety seconds worth. Prepare for 13 minute dirges later in the countdown to make up for this.

47. Everything Everything - Suffragette Suffragette
The song that brings us the immortal line "who's gonna sit on your face when I'm gone?" Who indeed.

46. SIA - Clap Your Hands
Forget Channel 10 buying the rights to this and then using it for every single promo for about six months and forget the fact that she's a seemingly insane Max Sharam for the 21st century. Most importantly try to forget the amazing similarity to 1979's Get It Up For Love by Tata Vega and concentrate instead on its undoubted pop qualities.

45. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - I Should Have Known It
He's still alive. You'll never get another Free Fallin' or American Girl though.

44. David E Sugar - Party Killer
David E Sugar is not a party killer. The Manson Family were party killers. There's a touch of the hipsters about it if you're touchy on that sort of thing.

43. Lissie - In Sleep
The first time I heard this it was dismissed in the first few seconds, but I got distracted and came back halfway through to discover I'd been dropped in the middle of a Fleetwood Mac reunion. If Stevie Nicks were dead I'd suggest that Lissie were her reincarnation.

42. Paul Weller - Wake Up The Nation
In which the godfather of Mod tees off on Facebook and advises Britain to fire up. Not without some justification too.

41. Aloe Blacc - I Need A Dollar

40. Gonzales - I Am Europe
Containing all sorts of bizarre metaphors for Europe. You'd think there was something sensible and artistic about the whole thing if it wasn't being sung by the same guy who once performed a track called Cum On You.

39. Minitel Rose - Heart of Stone
More French people. God forbid Phoenix could ever do anything half as good as Too Young ever again they'd wipe the floor with the rest of the Gallic contingent. Don't hold your breath.

38. Juliana Pasha - It's All About You
But for those of you who are bored of the French, here's an Albanian straight from this year's surprisingly quality song heavy Eurovision contest. After a few years of disappointment Europe delivered this season. Stand up and applaud Enver Hoxha fans everywhere.

37. Grinderman - Heathen Child
Nick Cave scares the children

36. Shit Browne - Artifice
You'd have to be French to get away with a name like that. Video doesn't show up anywhere on YouTube and you'd be advised to turn ON safe searching before looking for it on Google.

35. Janelle Monae - Tightrope
The video, and her hairdo, is baffling but the track is a triumph. 21st century soul without the need for Autotune.

34. Elton John and Leon Russell - It Wasn't For Bad
Yes, it's Elton but come back it's not fruity prancing on the beach a'la I'm Still Standing or playing a piano dressed as Donald Duck. Will almost take the taste of Candle In The Wind '98 out of your mouth. But not quite.

33. Cee Lo - Bright Lights, Bigger City
Ten times better than the more famous, filth friendly track that you know and love. Does not contain gratuitous obscenity. That would be shithouse.

32. Goldfrapp - Alive
It's not my fault that six months after I'd heard it and decided to like it that Channel 10 would use it in the promo for their new station. Get amongst it in its full version. Or watch SBS.

31. Comanechi - Crime of Love
The sort of low-fi as buggery, sung by women stuff that Kurt Cobain used to whop off over before topping himself. For added effect it ends with the young lady shouting WANKERS! WANKERS! WANKERS! at us for the last twenty seconds, and for that we are all winners

30. Plan B - Stay Too Long
Motown/rap crossover from a concept album about a man in prison. It doesn't end well for him. More news at 11.

29. Hera Bjork - Je Ne Sais Quoi
The other Iceland Bjork, as seen on Eurovision 2010 with her belting eurodance ballad. Have I ever told you how much I love belting eurodance ballads?

28. Egyptian Hip Hop - Moon Crooner
A bunch of English kids with what sounds like Casio keyboards coming on like a 21st century Happy Mondays. Achieves and suggests better is to come in the future. No actual hip-hop or Egyptian behaviour included.

27. Brandon Flowers - Magdalena
The bad news for the rest of The Killers is that this sounds exactly like one of their records but without any of the personnel. We wish the rest of the band well in their future endeavours on the Theatre Restauraunt circuit. Continues to tread the same faux-country path of the last Killers album but without the trouble of having to split up the money. Problem solved and it's hello Centrelink to old mates 1, 2 and 3.
Previous Appearance - #4 in 2005 with Somebody Told Me (as The Killers)

26. The Winter Olympics - Feeling European
Your standard English stodge rock but with interesting European metaphors for shagging and going through your nothing to declare aisle etc.. No passport required for EU citizens. No video available so here's an inferior single of theirs. Warning - he looks like he sort of hipser you'd want to kick in the plums.

25. Ali Love - Smoke And Mirrors
Italo Disco fever! MORE PLEASE.

24. Klaxons - Flashover
"Nu Rave" possible users of hallucenogenic substances add crashing guitar with surprisingly positive effects. Sounds like the Jonestown Massacre - the real one, not the band
Previous Appearance - #26 in 2007 with Golden Skanks

23. Hadouken! - M.A.D
The frantic sound of your car being broken into somewhere in the dodgy part of North London.
Previous Appearance - #73 in 2007 with Superstar

22. Grinderman - Palaces of Montezuma
Nick Cave's hirsuite new band give the world a tender love song where the spinal column of JFK is offered up as a token of affection. Everybody wins.

21. Chromeo - Night By Night
Proof that you can use distorted vocals and Autotuney shit without sounding like Believe by Cher or any of the 500 songs Kanye West has done since he stopped being good.

20. Chanee and n'evergreen - In A Moment Like This
Regular readers will understand my long held fetish for power ballads. Therefore I make no apologies for the Norweigan Eurovision entrant finishing so high in the list. It's like REO Speedwagon cloned as a woman and married to itself.

19. Big Boi - General Patton
The non-Hey Ya portion of Outkast meets what sounds like the Russian Army Choir in the world's foremost rap/choral mashup

18. Manic Street Preachers - A Billion Balconies Facing The Sun
Still angry, and despite diminishing results overall this is the standout from their latest album. Not much left in the tank I'd suggest.

17. Aeroplane - My Enemy
This year's Ghosts 'n Stuff. No lyrics required. Like waking up in a modern Sega Megadrive

16. Keane featuring K'naan - Looking Back
What's this doing here? I hate Keane. Roy, Robbie and the band. But sadly it's my duty to report that they released two tracks this year that were half decent and didn't end up on rotation in every wine bar between here and Western Europe. More to come.

15. Chromeo - Hot Mess
Hello, I've just gone into a Sam Tyler-esque coma and suddenly it's 1987. I'm absolutely thrilled by this turn of events.

14. Electric Six - The Newark Airport Boogie
You'd have gotten 1000-1 on the people behind Dance Commander ever making an appearance in one of my top fifties again last year. The only thing we'd heard from them since was a putrid cover of Queen's Radio Ga Ga, but against the odds here they are.

13 - Scissor Sisters - Night Work
I expect this is the sound of loading up on Amyl Nitrate and going for it openly in San Francisco in 1979. Would have been destroyed like all their other songs if it had been a hit.

12 - Plan B - Welcome To Hell
Right, so now he's in jail and to put not too fine a point on it is in deep shit. Thanks to the album shifting a few copies (which by today's standards was probably about 75) the story is scheduled to continue on the next album. Episodic music. Why not, nothing else is working for them.

11 - My Chemical Romance - Scarecrow
Previous Appearances #55 and #45 in 2007 with I Don't Love You and Mama

Ok, so I'm a moderately ashamed MCR fan. Wanna fight about it? Doesn't mean I'm going to see them in concert, sit on the steps of Flinders Street Station looking like a fuckhead or wear a black trenchcoat and kill my parents. And thankfully neither are they, because the poster children for emo have gone stadium rock and it's glorious.

10. Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Dance The Way I Feel

Feel free to ignore the messy end that came to the lead singer when he jumped off a tower at a Belgian festival (!?) and concentrate instead on what will go down as their crowning achievement, a perfect slice of pop that didn't even lose its appeal when the radio stations picked it up.

9. Arcade Fire - Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)

I might be the only person in the world not to have gone wild for their first two albums but there's absolutely no doubt that the latest is a solid gold cracker. This is the not the last of them you will see in this countdown.

8 - Angus and Julia Stone - On The Road

An album track that I heard quite by accident in somebody else's car. Sure the rest of the album doesn't stack up and the guy looks like he could do with a wash but this is sublime.

7 - Arcade Fire - Modern Man

This reminds me of something that I can't quite put my finger on despite having listened to it plenty of times in the last week. Whisper it quitely but there's something Hall & Oates-ish about it. Despite that, or in fact because of it, it dominates. There's something sinister about this, like there's a subtext to it that is only told in the music and not the lyrics. Consider me converted to their cause.

6 - Chew Lips - Karen

I have absolutely nothing to say about this other than that it's a top tune and whoever's house they filmed it in needs to put in new carpet.

5 - Paul Heaton - Even A Palm Tree (audio only)
In a year when I rediscovered the genius of The Beautiful South a new Heaton solo album came just at the right time. Against classic era South this would be practically undetectable as a new solo track, and that's a good thing.

4 - Keane - Stop For A Minute (featuring K'naan)

Well there you go. I never thought they'd make it into the top 100 let alone the final five, but finally after all these years somebody finally inserted a rap bit into their song which made sense and contributed positively to the overall project. This is no shonky K. Minogue Shocked By The Power rap section, it delivers the goods. In fact it steals the show so much that they should swap it around and have it as featuring Keane.

3 - Lena - Satellite

Even though I only had it second on the night, trying not to be populist, there's no doubt that this is the best Eurovision track since Silvia Night telephoned god and called him "dawg" in 2006. Almost the perfect pop song. So perfect that if it had been done by say... Kate Nash I'd probably have decried it as slop and kicked the television in. Her wonky German accent is what sends it to the next level. Deserved more.

2 - Goldfrapp - Rocket

Previous Appearances #3 in 2005 with Ooh La La, #46 and #39 in 2008 with Cologne Cerrone Houdini and Happiness.

The 'frapp did the right thing on her latest album and came over all Italo Disco.. and got nothing from the punters. This is a gem though. Perfect Eurodance magic which spent pretty much the whole year as favourite to take home the DLR before a last minute intervention knocked it out of pole position. Ladies and gentlemen, take up thy bottles and assorted garbage because I'm about to make what will undoubtedly be the most controversial #1 selection since Clive Waterhouse. I give you this year's winner *ducks*

1 - My Chemical Romance - Bulletproof Heart


There are two reasons I almost didn't make this #1. Firstly I've spent the last twenty years mocking the Triple J Hottest 100 for always turning up top songs that were released about fifteen minutes before voting started, so how much of a hypocrite does it make me to say a song that I first heard a week and a half ago is my favourite for the year.

The second reason for concern is the blatant grab for stadium rock that they're going for. Usually that should be decried and they should be bottled from the stage a'la Daphne & Celeste at the Reading Festival, but in this case it is absolutely fantastic. Like U2 when they were good injected with glam Bowie and just the slightest hint of their depressive past.

I've got a good feeling that I'm not going to look back in a year and think "oh christ, what was I doing?" Now that the controversy is out of the way let's go back to our Master of Ceremonies.


A toast to the winners and we'll see you next year for 2011's glittering prize. With REM and The Strokes both threatening to release albums they go in as early favourites, but the prospect of a shock in-studio Libertines comeback could blow the market out of the water. Exciting times ahead. Pete Smith speaking*

* TSP accepts that the actual Mr Copperart had nothing to do with this countdown because we couldn't afford him. The role of Pete was played by the former Atlanta Braves pitcher of the same name.

20 to 1: Amusing Greek Terrorists...

... AKA the episode that Bert refused to host. 

There must be an art to coming with a name for your armed commando group. Once somebody steps over the line and starts pinging firebombs at TGI Fridays to protest curly fry prices, the next step is coming up with a catchy name that strikes fear into the hearts of capitalists everywhere. 

In Greece left-wing terrorism is practically a national sport, but as you can see from this list they are also beset with a cavalcade of baffling group names. I'm not sure if we're missing something in the translation but surely the last thing you want to do is to set off your dinky little bomb made from wires and ping pong balls then send claim responsibility with a name that will be laughed out of the room. Apparently the Greeks are happy for their armed struggle to happen in the name of groups sounding like power ballads, decathalon events, and/or Belle & Sebastian album tracks. Here's twenty of the best. Try and guess which one Phil Collins will name his new album after.

20. Solidarity Gas Canisters 

19. Anarchist Attack Teams 

18. Children of Fire 

17. Anti-Power Struggle 

16. Chaotic Attack Front 

15. Consciously Enraged 

14. Fires of Hell 

13. Anarchist Faction for Subversion 

12. Thus Far and No Further 

11. Uncontrolled Rage 

10. Fighting Guerillas of May 

9. Knights of the Torched Bank 

8. Revolutionary Torch-Bearing Run 

7. Movement Against State Arbitrariness 

6. Torrid Winter 

5. The Committee for Promotion of Intransigence 

4. Melting Nuclei 

3. Nuclei for Promoting Total Catastrophe 

2. Revolutionary Subversive Faction-Commando Unibomber 

1. Anti-Authority Erotic Cells 

* We do not endorse blowing anything up. I respectfully request ASIO not to open a file on me solely on the basis of this post, please take everything else into account.

Ranking the Bond themes without the aid of a novelty headline

There's no point simply ranking the Bonds themselves, because every time I try and advance my theories about the genius of Roger Moore people start throwing bricks at my house and keying my car. So, power ballad fans, toss your REO Speedwagon records aside (gently, they'll be worth something one day)

Die Another Day - Madonna
Where they threw away the power ballad concept and went with synthpop done by somebody nobody had cared about for a decade. Then they went and gave her a role in the film as well. A well aimed knife to the back of the entire Bond genre.

19. From Russia With Love - Matt Munro
Exactly what you'd expect from 1963. Actually more like what you'd expect from 1953.

18. The Man With The Golden Gun - Lulu
One of the most underrated films (come on, it's got the murderous midget from Paradise Island in it, what do you want?) but the theme song is weedy. Movie also contains the slide-whistle sound effect that makes Bond purists want to stab people. I'm for it.

17. Tomorrow Never Dies - Sheryl Crow
She dealt with Lance Armstrong being short one plum, but not with being called up for the biggest job in soundtracks. We were therefore robbed of not only a Pulp theme, but an absolute belter as well. And Teri Hatcher was in it so you can cram the whole project with walnuts.

16. The World Is Not Enough - Garbage
Not withstanding the fact that I would cut off two limbs to go back in time and crack onto mid 90's Shirley Manson, this is bollocks. The only thing that can be said for it is that it's better than the film which is undoubtedly the worst Bond movie ever made.

15. Another Way To Die (Quantum of Solace) - Jack White and Alicia Keys
Film utter shite after a promising start to the Daniel Craig era, and theme song not much chop either. Not the worst but only because of some of the utter gash that proceeded it in the Pierce Brosnan (*spit*) films.

14. Goldeneye - Tina Turner
The only half decent thing about the movie that almost killed the Bond franchise.

13. Diamonds Are Forever - Shirley Bassey
Not nearly enough oomph from the Dame. Soundtracked a shock Connery return, and a return to form for the films, but even when she starts belting it out the whole thing sounds phoned in.

12. Licence To Kill - Gladys Knight
The last great Bond power ballad from the last half decent Bond film for more than 15 years. Effect somewhat ruined by having a different song over the end credits.

11. All Time High (Octopussy) - Rita Coolidge
The first theme to not feature the name of the film, and gee I wonder why, is alright but moves at a glacial pace. Maybe they didn't want to set the bar too high for Roger Moore to follow given that he was about 200 years old by the time the movie was made.

10. Live And Let Die - Wings
Oft cited as the best but I'm well over it. Still better than most, but effect somewhat ruined by every shithouse band in the world covering it. Axl Rose I'm looking directly at you.

9. A View To A Kill - Duran Duran
Marred by a shambolic early 80's video with visual effects straight out of student theatre, but quality new romantic action nonetheless.

8. You Only Live Twice - Nancy Sinatra
A rare occasion where slow pace pays off. The orchestral bit at the start is a cracker and they nail the Asian feel without ever having to have daughter of Frank resort to Me No Rikey style accents and Aneka style chopsticks in the hair.

7. You Know My Name (Casino Royale) - Chris Cornell
Old Mate from Soundgarden being called upon to soundtrack a 21st century Bond had all the hallmarks of disaster but god damn it the boy pulled it off in spectacular fashion. If you have to drop the power ballad motif then this is the way to do it, with a meaty rock number that nearly washed the taste of recent crimes out of our mouths.

6. Moonraker - Shirley Bassey
The disco version from the end credits would push number one but I'll take this. Bassey returns and gives it what for in spectacular fashion. In space.

5. Goldfinger - Shirley Bassey
Who will ever forget Alan Partridge walking to the service station along the freeway singing his own version? Everyone but me presumably.

4. Thunderball - Tom Jones
Arguably done better by Ron Barassi on The Late Show, this is basically just Tom doing Welsh spoken word with a bit of bang thrown in but it's good stuff.

3. For Your Eyes Only - Sheena Easton
The ultimate Bond power ballad. How good is the bit where she goes "but you won't need to read between the liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiines"?

2. The Living Daylights - a-ha
NORWEGIAN SYNTHPOP MAGIC. Take me to Bond karaoke and let's sing this mother right now.

1. Nobody Does It Better (The Spy Who Loved Me) - Carly Simon
Don't be fooled by the LJ Hooker ads, this is the real deal. From the piano bit at the start to the shots women swinging on giant lugers and spinning around with guns in the opening it's got it all. And the "Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby you're the best bit?" Chilling. Never seen the film? Let Alan Partridge take you through the opening.

5 reasons why this World Cup is the worst in years

I have no idea if this post was finished or not, but I only found it in my TSP 'drafts' in October 2013, so now I'd may as well post it.

I've watched every World Cup since 1990 semi-religiously. Italy, USA, France, Japan/South Korea, Germany and now South Africa. And what have we learnt in the first week and a bit? That this has been a rubbish tournament so far. Good thing that my original plan to take the month off and watch every single match fell apart.

1. The crowds
It seems rude to me that there are half empty - or worse - stadiums for World Cup finals matches. I'm not surprised that the people of Africa haven't flocked South to check out the action, and I'm equally not surprised that the people of the world haven't chosen to visit a country where carjacking is a national sport but bloody hell FIFA just give the tickets away and let's get some atmosphere.

Then there's the vuvuzela, one of the greatest crimes ever to be perpetrated on sports. The organising committee claim that it's got something to do with African history and heritage. Yep, there's nothing more African than a piece of plastic made in China. Offered the chance to cut the sound from the stadium out and give us clean 1970s style commentary feeds television stations have chickened out. Why? You can't hear anything else from the ground anyway so why not just turn the effects mics off and flip them on if there's a goal scored? They know we're going to watch no matter what happens so why bother trying to make it a pleasant experience to watch right?

2. The ball
Here's a concept, get the 32 (allegedly) best teams in the world together in one place.. and make them play with a novelty ball. It's like The Wizard with Fred Savage where they got the best video game players in the world together and made them play Super Mario Brothers 3 for the first time. At least that movie was a glorified advertisement for Nintendo and not the greatest sporting contest known to man.

And what has the ball done so far? How many spanking free kicks have you seen go in so far? Not many. Stupid idea created solely to make money for already rich arseholes.

3. The refs
Ponce about, send Australian players off, just be generally shit.

4. The TV coverage
First let me say that Les Murray is nearly my favourite Australian TV personality ever (though Ian Turpie just shades him) but right now he looks like he's lost the will to live. Anything to do with being stuck in a studio alongside Craig Foster for a month? His whinging makes me want to stab myself in the eardrum whenever he talks.

5. Australia is in it
And haven't we come far enough as a football playing nation that we can drop the name "Socceroos"? It was an embarassing nickname in the 90s and is just criminal now. Strange how the FFA did a deep cleanse of everything else related to 'old football' when they killed the NSL and the old clubs but somehow managed to miss dropping this humiliatingly cartoonish name from the end of our team name. Do you need a nickname for a national team? Either people are going to watch you or they're not - and as you can tell from what's going on at the moment as long as you make the World Cup then everybody will watch whether they like the sport or not.

Photobucket Shenanigans - Part One

Plenty more where this came from. In years to come Twitpic may show up some farcical moments, but there's no way they'll keep their archives this long. The following photos from Christmas Day 2004 onwards, possibly creeping into 2006. We were young, we were stupid, and we had to carry actual cameras because phone technology was so shithouse. Onwards and upwards;


On-board shenanigans during a break in my 24-hour on-off community radio massacre with @somtum. We didn't know if other shows were going to turn up or not. When they did we pissfarted around on public transport, climbed statues and played cricket with some Indians. I was bowled by a fullish delivery that I tried to smash onto La Trobe Street.


My bookshelf in St Kilda. There's got to be something embarassing in there that I didn't consider. And look at the wild VHS collection. I think I numbered it for a blow-by-blow blog deconstruction on my life that has since been lost.


I won this tennis racket off SEN for winning a "what country is this arena in?" quiz. Came in at question 1 and ran the next ten non-stop. Didn't want it so decided to sell it on Ebay with a gimmick photo. Got me $160 you know.


Tsunami relief 20/20 cricket match between Melbourne and Collingwood. Why? I had a bonanza of a hangover I can remember that.


My ludicrous setup in St Kilda. Pure filth. That's what happens when somebody first moves out of home. Note the wildcard inclusion of Mario doing the Goatse man on the computer screen. You know that place was as big as my loungeroom but had 13 powerpoints. THIRTEEN. Why? I have no idea but you should have seen my power bill.


And here's what I did with all those powerpoints. This sat right next to my bed for 18 months and did untold damage to my brain.


The St Kilda wall. Magnificent collection of posters (all now lost sadly), but an absolutely disgraceful uneven placement. Young AND stupid.


Sadly lost graffiti at the corner of Gertrude and Nicholson Street, Fitzroy. Sound advice.


Ahh me and my first car. Poor old cubed Pierre. And yes, I already had an obsession with wearing masks but had not yet discovered the Mexican wrestling variety.


A really old one here. Scanned from a page in my year 7 school journal in response to homeroom arseclown Old Man Hale declaring himself "your bored teacher" after I wrote a scathing review of our bullshit school camp.


He's totally fucking that kid in the ear, but do you ever hear about that when they're discussing how bad a president he was?


The mini golf course at Wobbies World, taken when Somtum, Jelly and I jumped the fence to see what was left of the place fifteen years after it closed. The answer was everything. On the way out some ginger challenged us and refused to respond when I asked if he was Wobbie Jr. A few weeks later they bulldozed nearly everything. QUALITY TIMING.


You can tell how old this piece of blasphemy was not just from the fact that the Pope has died in the meantime, but because of that FUCKING ANCIENT IPOD! Another reason why I was loyal to the Creative Zen in that era.


Did I mention that I was obsessed with doing faux sinister posers?


In the good old days when people cared South Melbourne fans used to run to the fence in celebration when the side scored a goal. In a fit of contrary behaviour I decided to go the other way when they scored a winner from a spanking late free kick against St Albans.

Part two following... at some point in the next five years.

Win a Motza

 

Ways this video gives back to the community:

1. The black bars across his eyes 

2. The dramatic flourish to get rid of it 

3. The fact that he's wearing a tux 

4. The farcical shower of cash 

5. The way the thumping drums kick off the jingle... 

6. The term "motza" 

7. The clapping 

8. The jaunty synth 

9. The surprised look on his face when he gets thrown the ball 

10. The random line up of games and the option to bet $500 in 1983 money 

11. The ending of WIN A MOTZA

TSP's Corporate Love Day Spectacular 2010

(Catch up with 2009 if you missed it)

Well, I wasn't going to it this year. How many times can you sit down and waste two or three hours furiously retyping the bizarre bleetings of hornbags, depressed bastards and long distance stalkers?

BUT, in a great 21st century "how good is the internet?" moment the Herald Sun have decided to waste precious bandwidth by putting all the messages online. You'll also note they kept the same trannie mascot as last year. You'll also note that the quality of spelling in this country has become worse than me on Twitter. So, two days late but here we go nonetheless.

To give you something to listen to you have the choice of the three of the most romantic songs ever;




Mystifying Messages
A CRYPTIC NOTE
Chickie Faye will and you Libby be were my 100km girlfriend? apart so Faye much was fun travelling kiss 100kmh kiss and frigme Libby 1 year! 25 kmh Bellagio if Bronx Faye steps stops ponytail halfway pretty. _ UTS xx.

AF
Howappy Balentine! I lub u wun hundered million. U are my beth fwen. Meith....Lub Alwayth and Foweba Cowatt, Sito ana Hebi. I tiyad. Hickle et. No not. [I'm not convinced that hasn't been run through faulty text recognition software - 1.0]

BRETT MOLONEY
My Gift from.. "LORD KING JESUS CHRIST" I Love You ETERNALLY My Mighty Man Of GOD. Your Wife For Life ANNA xxx

BUBBA
Careful! Water dwagons play on dis woad! I luv ya even though we grump sometimes! Luv ur Bunnynose with a Dino Bump!

BUBI
Happy Valentine's Day. Can't wait to the day it's just me and you on the dance floor.Love u forever and always your one and only bubz. MUSKELTEARS FOREVER XOXO

CAMERON
You are number 1. (heart) Cameron

DEANYYY
My turtle, my poodle, my chicken, dear boo boo .. I loves yous gutses to the moon and back .. MORE than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow .. You know you are my favourite person in the whole wide world .. Forever and ever, more than ever, I'm yours. Love, ME

DEAR LOZZA AND LEE LEE
I love you girls, I hope you love me me. Let's go out for dinner soon, just us 3. Maybe we can hang out& watch tv? Dahloo

GEORGE H
INDOCID - UR A PSYCHO baby! Surprise visitors for ya soon MF Cya GDH Love ya Sweetie x

GRETCHEN
Only 7 weeks to go babycakes to the wedding of the year! can't wait to make you my wife but today relax and enjoy the island with your manfriend, love davo

HAN HAN
I am as smitten today as I was the day I saw you standing outside the MCG in your Saints jumper and your blonde hair wavy from the rain. You make me feel lucky every day. I love you...in a forever kind of way. alicake

HAYAT
I love you for the qualities that make you so unique. - Murat.

HAYDEN
H is for Holmesglen Horse, A is for Albury, Y is for Yoghurt, D is for Diabetes, E is for Earlobes & N is for Nippy's. Happy Valentine's Day! Love U! Love Gav & Locky

JET BOY
U R STRONG, LOYAL, HAIRY, WELL MAINTAINED.................. BEST DOG EVER!! - BEAMA

KATIE BEAR
You are the pop in my corn, the bristle in my brush, the step in my ladder, the suds in my soap, you are the raisin in my bun and the pooh on my shoe. Will you be the Tex to my Johnny?

KING
My BFF I miss that first week we got together. All the sms's, flirting, the songs that meant so much to us (Lionel Ritchie) and the unit that holds all our memories (the skirt!!). We felt so safe back then. I hope that one day in a few years we can wake up together in the morning. Love always Queen.

KM
Love is like a lump of gold; hard to get and hard to hold. Of all the girls I've ever met, you're the one I can't forget. I do believe that God above, created you for me to love. He chose you from all the rest, because He knew I would love you the best

LEE
You smell like jam donuts and make me ROFL my face off! You're so adorable, I'm gonna wrestle and smoosh you :P

LEESA
It's taken 21 years for me to get it right, I hope you appreciate this when I see you tonight. 4 kids and lots of stress, our love always passes the test. I love everything about you, even your snoring, life with you is never boring.

LUKE
Baby, u mean to me what that carpark means to that volkswagon! Happy 1st Valentine's day spunk, the Cranklepot and I love u very much! hehe Love L

MASTER SINGH
Hey ya big poof. You've brightened up my life and you bring a smile to my face whenever I think of you. Happy Valentine's. - Donna Singh

MEGAN
Dear Megan, You continue to excite, interest and pleasure me after all these years. Lots of love PW

MIKEY MOOSK
Marrying my soulmate was the best thing I've ever done. I love adventuring through life with my baby bear. I ruv you, honey bunny. Lets add to our pack!

MUTTSTER - Mutt mutt you're so fine, mutt mutt you blow my mind, go muttster (clap clap, clap) go muttster (clap clap, clap)............ Love - Mutt

NANOOK
You are a goomba and a nuoko

PETER COOMBE
I love you so much. I know you can get back to training soon and finish Ironman South Africa with me. All my love Joey xxx

PETER WILLIAMS
Happy Valentine's Day to you and your family Love - Eileen Kimpton, Riverlea Hostel.

PIDDLYDAK
To my V, N and overseas H May piddlyDAK live long and prosper. Lkve _ your J. xoxo P.S. Wanna get some H.J's?

PIERRE
IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN U, MIA & UR TIGER BLANKET I'D STILL CHOOSE U, BUT ONLY JUST. HAPPY DAY THAT WE DON'T CELEBRATE! ALL MY LOVE RULZ XX

SHANNON RYAN
Your happiness means the world to me. If that means I have to eat salad, I will eat salad. Your Buby. [DON'T EAT THE FUCKING SALAD YOU SELLOUT - 1.0]

SMID
The man who believes he has 22 Wives! 20 of them are Bi's 22-20 = #2 Ezzalenko.

TO MY PREMIUM BOAG MAN
When I first met you, we shook hands, instantly I thought, where have you been all my life? Then some months later, you said those exact words to me. I feel blessed to have had a special night with you. I know you're my Soulmate, it may be a bumpy ride until we finally hold each other every night. Let's be patient as I know in my heart, we'll be fine. Yes, You're hot !!! Love - Kaz

V
99 999

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
I love you a zipillion percent

Sickening Nicknames
I'm retiring this section next year. These idiots come up with the same rubbish every time.

Alibaba
Angry Angus ("You tantalize my taste buds")
Anne of Greengables
Baby Boy
Baby Bunting
Baby Girl [+ about 5000 other variations on baby]
Banana
Batgirl
Batman
Beautiful Boombi
Benjamin Button
Big Dog
Big Fat Wombat
Big Nut Brown Hare
Bossy Boots
Bright Eyes
Bubby Giggle
Bumble Bee
Butthead
Carrot Stick
Chicken Bum
Chocolate Buddy
Chop Chop Hunny Bunny
Chubba Bubba
Cupcake
Darling Boof
Drummer Boy
Emmy Sunshine
Eve Hotpants
Fat Boy
Flicky
Flossy Bear
Freckles
Funkelbeanz
Golden Earring
Great Hunk of Spunk
Habibi
Hippo
Honey Bear [+ 5000 other versions of the honey theme]
Hotcakes
Iceman
Itchy Bumface
Jet Pilot
Kunta
Liquid Gold
Little Hummingbird
Little Peep
Little Pup
Luvabub
Marky Sparky
Marshmallow
Miss Stretchy
Miss Sunshine
Moo Moo
Mr. Big
Muffin
Mullet
Muppet
My Little Crawler
My True Penguin
Noodle
Oinky Lao Po
Peter Squishy
Pino King
Pipsqueaks
Plumpy
Poo Poo Head
Pootines
Potatohead
Princess Ballbreaker
Scarlet Pimpernel
Schnooks
Sexy Legs
Sexy Lil Spunkbubble
Smelly
Snapple
Snickers
Sparrow
Squelchy
Sugar Plum Fairy
Sweaty Cheeks
Sweetcheeks
The Roopracorn
Ticklish Tiger
Turkish Delight
Watermelon Man
Wee Monkey
Your Lady Gaga
Your Little Beyonce
Zippo
Zorro

Advertising Genius Section
Sadly doing this online means I can't see the advertising, which means I'll never know if they decided to run the NOTHING SAYS LOVE LIKE A HUMMER ad from 2009.

Celebrity Action
MORGAN FREEMAN
my handsome driver, eternally yours. Miss Daisy xx

Rotten Poetry
ANDY ADMIRAAL
Trucks, spiders & black goats, Gouldian's with blue dilute throats. Coffee, red meat & fire mouth fishes, crisp white undies & Koby's kisses. Head butts, bites & scratches from Hades, We'll have really cute babies. Happy V.D. My Honey Pot, I sure do love you a hell of a lot. Your betrothed Mandy XX

ANNMARIE
Til now you hold my heart. You're full of love, warmth and grace. You make the world a better place. You try so hard to make me see, the much better person I could be. For so long you have been my fiancee, I hope I haven't lost you from my life. I can see it all so very clear, things you thought I didn't hear. It feels you are so far away, wish I could hold your hand today. As I try to work things through, I realise how much I admire you. I will always love you

BABG
Yyou are truly my best friend
I will love you always till the end
These words include the usual junk
Except the promises I make when I'm drunk
Rest assured wherever we roam
It won't be long before our new home
A special world for you and me
Includes a bond only we can see
Love BABM

BETH - Interfamily weekend with your fam. A Valentine's poem from your man...oh damn. This can't be him, you're sure to think... No it's true, Al's poems they stink

BRENDEN - You are my tender vegetarian schnitzel. Your lovely red hair makes me want to whitzle. Lots of love - Your Scottish Thitzle

CAROL KUPSCH
I wish that you could see through my eyes, so then my pleasure would be yours, the rapture of our dalliance become the elysium of coverture. My Concubine divine, none other has the grace and wit, nor enchanting contours to compare.

CAROLYNN BERKMAN
If love was a minute, then I love you an hour. If love was a petal, I'll give you the whole flower. Love may not be an easy thing to define, But know in your heart, you are my only Valentine.

CHICKEN
Maxy is here right by my side, he's under my wing as my joy and pride, you are here too-right in the middle, I'm waiting for the next one so as to complete this diddle. [Surely they actually wrote 'riddle' - 1.0]

DEBBI
Getting older can be a pain, But with you along, I can't complain. Despite the things that we go through, I know I'll never stop loving you

ELIAS
Should any soul, this earth walk Imagine but a 10th of the joy Your love instills in me, Ever more they shall be doomed to live, but mortally wounded Knowing never to feel such pure delight. Jealous, even those who are jealous not. I will attempt to inscribe in ink, to carve and record that which feel, to cause such jealousy not, but to give hope for others, false as it is. For no being in this life, could do what you do to me. Most precious are those pre dawn moments, I watch you sleep. You are my dreams. Sleep drowsed, dishevelled, feet then touch and entwine. Held by you, encircled, flooded memories of that first embrace, you know the one I mean. To slowly wake together a new dawning day, feeling your touch I inhale you, your breath I breathe. Daily you are my rock, My knight, my rescuer, the other side of a formidable wall, determination, your battlefield skill, persistence your weapon, A crusade you will not lose and you rescue me literally. My dream giver, predicting all that I covet, all that I hope, toiling to deliver my every desire. My genie, the wishes you grant, infinite. I am happy, I am in love, and the day ends and we lay together again. Entwined falling into dreams together, time an irrelevance, it is then, it is now, it is always. Forever - Colleen.

EMILY
Times are tough at the moment that is for sure, We have two kids now and we're not having four. I know getting no sleep can bring you close to tears, But that's no excuse for drinking my beers. I'm sorry that I can't get you a brand new bed, But I promise you this - I'll get you a nice bottle of red Love - Red.

FETTA WONG
Roses are red, violets are blue, I've only been gone for five minutes, how about you? Will you be my Valentine?!

HELEN HI!
How Orion doth glow In nightly skies, Its stars The Hunter ethereal Of noble eclat Low o'er venery eyes Of fires Made in number eternal. Helen, thank you for making me realise what love truly is. Best wishes for this year.

JANE
You're my bestie and I love you so much, And you make me squeal when you grab my hand. Jane you're my soulmate and I love you to bits, And there's nothing better than sucking your toes. This Valentine's poem I hope makes you smile, Keeps me in the good books for a little while. Well here we are at the end, I love you Minty you're my best friend.

KAREN J
Loving you is like loving the sea thinking I am in control then finding the waves crashing over me I wonder if I should give up sailing before I drown in you?

KATE ADMIRAAL
It's amazing that after all this time, each day, my love for you is stronger as the wonderful length of time we have been together grows longer. And right now I want to tell everyone and make it official, that after all these years together, you are now even more beneficial! Love always! Mark

KEZ
You have a tattoo of my name on your rear, But of needles I have a fear, So I did the next best thing, I engraved your name upon my ring. My name's got bigger so to speak, And as it's romance that I seek, This verse is butt tongue in cheek

LHC
Roses are red Shamrocks are green Once again you and I Will make a good working team

LILLIAN
In my own romantic way, I just want to say, that I live and breathe you every day. The key to my heart was yours from the start, with loving bliss I give you this Kiss. Just by chance should you accept my advance, come with my for a life of romance.

LOUISE
Even though we are far apart, You are always in my heart. Soon in our igloo- just you and me, Happy Eskimos forever being silly mushy peas.

LOUISE
I see a distant tree next to a brook in a field of flowers. I see you from afar standing in your white dress blowing in the wind. You are the most beautiful person in all the world to me. I walk up to you and I kiss you softly and you smile and I whisper, I love you so much will you be my Valentine.

MAREE
Passionate lady, the queen, my Maree. Closer we are, more closer to be. Bright sunshine of love, star light of desire Inside I am me, beside you I'm fire. Love all ways. Mr Speechley

MOSES B
Unto my twin flame and our son Zadkiel whom awaits patiently with me for the veil of ignorance to lift. And unto Sarah for her assumption of what true love light and God's Will really is. Happy Valentine's Day to all that shine, force their light, that the blind may see that it's love that honestly conquers all, not lust, nor greed, nor jealousies or vanities. God Bless you all

RAKHAL
I never placed a loving ad for all the world to see: That's the incredible effect you have on me. I'm proud to be yours and to share our life together, Knowing our love will unite us forever. Happy Valentine's Day Honne!

SEXY PRINCESS
As our hearts bleed & our eyes weap, the aches and pains seem to never end, our dreams and goals are set in concrete, in our minds, and we wish to achieve them together. The future is in reach, it's an arms length away. That pot of gold, full of love and happiness is at that foreseeable day. Love you so much my special one. Your Knight xo

SHARON
Roses is violets, Reds is blue. If I sound confused, It's because I love you. What a good friend you are to me, and what a better person you have helped me to be.

SORTIE JADEITA
It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye. Only from the heart can you reach the sky.

TERRY H (Hairy Monster)
I just want you to know, I think you're grouse, For building us such a beautiful new house, It would be good if you could finish it though, And give me lots more money to blow. Nearly forgot your message today, Can you imagine what Gary would say. Happy Valentine's Day darling. Lots of love 6 days and 7 nights.

Pisstake Central
GREG AND SHERRI
To everyone who reads our messages each year, Happy Valentine's Day from us.

Stalkers Corner
AMANDA
I don't know why I didn't realise this earlier. I love you so much. I miss you. Let's reignite the flame we once had. I know it's not too late. There is so much more for us to accomplish together. I LOVE YOU - David

BRIAN R
I think I saw you at Southbank but not sure. It was Wed. Jan. 20th, 2010 at around 1.30 pm. The penny dropped when I walked on. I still think of you sleepless in Seaford - CATHERINE

CAPTAIN
I loved you from the very start and even though you broke my heart I will always love you - TRICKS

CHRISTINE VAN DE WOUW
U r my heart & soul without u i live in pain. Please dont give up on us we can get through this we always do. Things will b so much different this time i never want to lose you ever again love always James xoxo

DIESEL SEWELL
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I look forward to my final event later this year with you! [Sounds like he's planning murder - 1.0]

DONNA
No longer together, always thinking of you. Forever in my heart just a phone call away. - Scuba Steve.

DOROTHY LOUISE It's been a long time, but do you fancy a coffee. Reply by Public Notices. - David John [Nothing says love like a direct order - 1.0]

HELEN-MARY
My darling Helen, even after 38 years the sadness still fills my heart when I think of the day that you told me it was over between us. I am so sorry that I ruined 2 years of your life, and knowing that you would never want me back is something I have to live with morning and night for the rest of my life. You were my first Helen, my best friend, and the first and only girl I ever loved. Not a day goes past that I don't say that I love you. I will love you forever my darling Helen, I will love you until the day I die. Your perfume "Fidji" keeps you near to me always. _ Your loving Sweetpea G XXX

JACQUI
Although it has been nearly two years since you left after 30 years together, you are in my thoughts every minute of every day. I love you more now than I ever have and I always will. I pray every day that one day you may come home. I will never give up on you, Jacqui. All my love - Paul

JODIE M
I know that Jodie I've done you wrong, I send my thoughts to keep you strong. One day I still hope that we may be, As I love you and deep down I know you love me

LEIGH
Leigh at Broadford, please contact Claire at Doncaster East at niie at live.com.au

LIZ
We met at CHILLOUT on Sunday. You wore a suit and a man's felt hat. My senses must have treed away for my mind seemed not to see, this awesome lady, who held my coffee for me! Again I'll bring my whippet from Blackwood to the fair, then perhaps my Angel, please make sure you're there.

MY POD, BEKTAPOD, BEEPOD
I'm sorry I walked out on you, at the time I was angry, In my heart you'll always be, to remind me of my stupidity. Please call, your beast.

N
To the very hot one. Nice style. Can we talk please. Same place, time and day, or Tuesday? kxxk

PILOT MAN
Tall, dark, handsome, 5.2.10 @ 8.50 a.m. Hob - Melb. Be my Valentine!! You're hothothot and I'm cutecutecute. - Stripey Girl.

SCOTT
Bop, I miss you. Please call me. Bep xoxo

TINA
MISS OUR CHATS - Andrew.

Just Plain Creepy
Aaron (hearts) Rochelle
To the best Mummy and Daddy in the World, have a happy Valentine's Day - Love Abbie XO

ANDRE
Hope you get one today - Ros

ANDREW
YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY !! BUT I STILL LOVE YOU !! STILL WAITING FOR THE OTHER 6 INCHES YOU PROMISED ME !! JIM xo

ANTHONY PETER SHARPE
I love you - Your first wife Jo

BOO
Meet me all the way. I want you in my life forever. Forever is nothing without YOU.Love Always YOUR COUGAR.xxxxxx

CHERYL
You came, you overwhelmed. Your squeals and size will never be forgotten

CREEP NUMBER 2
Dearest Creep Number 2 - Happy Valentines Day - I love watching you creep on others. Next time I hope I get to share the bottom bunk with you - Much love x

DALE
`If you love something set it free, If it comes back it's yours to keep' and I'm back. Happy Valentine's Day. - Juliette. x x x

FLIC
I know your scared about the future. I believe it's meant to be. I hope time makes you realise what you want. I Love You. Always and forever - Jase xx

GERRY
You may not be my Valentine, but you sure are the best Dad in the world. - Lisa

IKROOP
You're the BEST son in the whole wide world. We love you. Love - Mum and Dad

JESS W
Little Ghost, when you accepted that ring upon which my loneliness is written, why did you not say... my love waits for me? Because, adored one, I wait for you.

KANE (DADDY!)
Youre still as gorgeous as the day I 1st laid eyes on you! Luv always! Mel xx Daddy lots of seal kisses for u! Luv u nearly as much as I luv Mr Spotty! :-) Zoe xx

MATTHEW JAMES
I love you more than all the history books I am so very proud of my gorgeous boy Happy Valentine's Day Lots of Love - Mum

MY HOLDEN V8 Man
WOW, "What's going on there"? We did it! More than 20 years since I left your side, we are back together as one and this time 4ever. See dreams do come true! I can't wait to get old with you as a diabolical couple truly made in Heaven! Kisses and lovin' in Paris and the Mile High Club, "BRING IT ON" Baby! Happy Valentine's Day my gorgeous man!! Love always _ "YOUR Holden V8 Girl" xoxoxo

NICOLA BOND
It is written

NICOLE NELSON
I'm sorry for all those vet visits Happy Valentine's Day. Love Sadie. (woof woof)

PJM66
Q. Am I your Lord? (Will you marry me?) A. Love is a slave to the heart not the soul. (Yes I will) - DHJ456.

ST KILDA
Flag for 2010 - Paula 5034 [She must have the most tragic love life of anyone on here - 1.0]

And that's it... Votes on your favourite are open until February 13th 2011.

It's A Grand Old (Put Away Your) Flag

It has been my long held belief that nobody over ten should be allowed to wave a flag in a football ground. Security guards should be detailed to grab the things and snap them in two as the user is clearly not in any mental state to be carrying a metre long pole. 

And so, from the media coverage of the Round 9, 1909 game against Collingwood

Any person waving flags or banners inside the ground or stand enclosures will be expelled 

Who said the world hasn't progressed in the last 100 years? I'd say they knew exactly what they were doing. After the game

The committee were commended for their decision with regard to the waving of flags. It was contended that the flaunting of flags is more likely to lead to a disturbance than anything else connected with football. The supporter who considers it necessary to show his devotion to a club in that way is generally a weak-minded barracker whose support is rather baneful than helpful, or possibly one of a "push" deliberately inviting a disturbance. This year the foolish fad is very noticeable, and leads sometimes to fighting but more frequently to abusive and foul language". 

I invite you to direct 'abusive and foul language' at any grown humans you see waving flags at the ground this year. Whether or not you take this to heart and wade into the cheer squad throwing haymakers is your business, but remember this the next time some 40-year-old tosser almost takes your eye out while swinging one of these things around.

TSP's Top 300 of the 2000's - Parts four, five and six

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