Triple AM

At the risk of the first serious post on here for about five years there are some whinges that you can't fully develop in a 140 word tweet

*commence talkback radio outrage* 

Everyone's got their views on the Matthew Johns/Cronulla Sharks fiasco, but it would be charitable to say that 5% of people in Melbourne knew who he was a couple of weeks ago. Now toss in some group sex content and he's the brand name for debauchery. Bit harsh I'd have thought, but we know Australia loves a bandwagon to jump on. Even poor Schapelle Corby feels so forgotten that she's had to do a bit of froth at the mouth nutbag work to get back into the papers. 

Whatever you about this fiasco is your business, and I'm not trying and convince you one way or the other but think for a second how many hours were wasted discussing it on radio and television, and how many journalists are making a living out of being outraged. Now, once you've considered the amount of coverage that incident got in your mind then read this. Buried on the "Victoria" page of the Herald Sun website and beneficiary of 20 seconds on tonight's news. 

A CHILD rapist who broke his parole only 24 hours after being released from jail is being hunted by police. Andrew Darling was released on parole last week after serving a nine-year sentence for raping a 13-year-old girl. 

Nine years? Nine fucking years? Why isn't this the front page scandal. The fact that he's on the loose is bad enough, but how come nobody seems to care that he only served nine years? 

The news wasted an entire story on a widow of a man killed in an industrial accident having a whinge because the company only got fined $300,000. Tragic loss and all, but what does she want them to do - bring him back? Elsewhere somebody's life is effectively ruined at 13 and nobody really seems to care. 

Just give a I'm no fan of capital punishment, and I'm for people who legitimately stuffed up being given a second chance but surely the various assorted freaks like this can't have any excuse. "Sorry your honor, I accidentally raped her". Get fucked. You get pissed, you stack your car and kill a family - you should do 15 years and get another go. You rob a bank and get busted, do 10 years and walk out. Fair enough. But this? My god. 

There are crimes that deserve to see people locked away for the rest of their life, and if this isn't one of them then what sort of society are we living in? And what do the media do about it? The Herald Sun are always trying to position themselves as the defenders of all things good and true, and they're too busy hanging around Ben Cousins' driveway to make any sort of statement about what a shambles sentencing in this country is. 

Politicians? Opening golf courses and making pissweak internet ads. Next financial year get yourself a game card (not from the Herald Sun, they're too busy printing the latest "global warming is fake" bollocks by Andrew Bolt) and play "Bullshit Sentence Bingo". See if you can find one ridiculously lenient sentence in every field of crime, then one that seems completely over the top for an otherwise ordinary case. By June 30 2010 your house will be full of game cards. Unfortunately you don't win anything except the right to vote at a State Election for one of two parties who couldn't give a shit about anything but their own rorts. 

*end talkback radio outrage*

Fantasy Eurovision 2009 - Results Spectacular

*Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Wimbledon dog track for the startling conclusion to this year's night of nights. And here's your host... Ugly Dave"



"Ere, I'm back. You know last week after the show I walked into a bar. Didn't 'alf 'urt. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, let's get on with it. Me mother in law is outside and she'll just die if I don't take her for a walk. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, if you want to recap the acts one more time go here. Otherwise as the results come in we'll be joined by some often casually racist stereotypes for their reactions. Are you ready? Well let's start with last, because they're the furthest away from first."

23. Greece - Diamanda Galas : 0 points

Deep shock and resentment there in Athens. The selection committee will surely now be wondering if they should have gone for Yanni and his blistering synth pop moustache instead of a wailing crazy woman.

=22. England - The Members : 8 points

A very poor showing for the English, but aren't the fans taking it well? As is so often the case for the English it's a bottom five finish. Would Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark have done any better? We'll never know.

=22. Scotland - The Proclaimers : 8 points

Shockingly poor result for one of the favourites of the competition, and look the Scottish fans have come all the way to Wembley Stadium to protest about it.

20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - : 9 points

Shock in rural Ireland as their favourite sons go down to a heavy defeat. Father Ted unavailable for comment due to being, err, dead.

19. Spain - Las Ketchup : 13 points

There's Don Flamenco. Noted Spanish boxer and Nintendo character. He's not at all pleased but did stop to tell us that it's not his fault that his country have produced bugger all decent pop artists.

18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban : 18 points

A poor result for the singing dentist from the land of the Tulip.

17. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - : 21 points

Poor result for the sleaziest Frenchman ever born. His understudy, however, has found time to chat up a young girl in Serge's honor. The great man himself did have time to give this victory speech from beyond the grave.

16. Romania - Enigma : 24 points

It's over to Bucharest, where they haven't had much to smile about since the fall of Ceacescu, and that won't change tonight as the song that a million babies was concieved to fails to finish in the top half. Food rationing for all.

=14. Norway - A-ha : 25 points

Shocking scenes in Oslo where everybody asks "Surely we'd won if they'd picked Take On Me". Well, that's not the way it works kids.

=14. Portugal - Rui Da Silva : 25 points

Obscure artist in 'better than expected' shock. Portuguese national football team said to be "thrilled" at being included due to the lack of any actual Portugal related stereotypes than didn't involve Angolans and machine guns.

13. East Germany - Nina Hagen : 27 points

Wild scenes in East Berlin! The hometown girl has beaten almost half of Europe and they're jumping for joy!

12. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey : 31 points

News just in from Belfast, TISM have been recruited to fill this slot next year.

11. Moldova - O-Zone : 34 points

Possibly anti-Numa Numa backlash causes best foreign bubblegum language pop song of the millenium to fail to crack the top ten. This young lady's not too concerned though, all she's worried about is having to go back there.

10. Austria - Falco : 35 points

It's Don't Turn Around, Der Koroner's in town for the Austrian Eurovision tilt this year.

=6. Italy - Albert One : 38 points

Even massive corruption and gangland activity couldn't drive this porky italo disco classic to top spot. The above gentleman are working on an entry which we hope to be seeing in 25-40 years.

=6. Denmark - Aqua : 38 points

Strangely these guys don't seem to be that concerned about Denmark's failure.

=6. Iceland - The Sugarcubes : 38 points

Music by Bjork, jumpers by Daryl Somers. Strong result for the eccentric, and suddenly bankrupt, island nation.

=6. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand : 38 points

Nobody knows what a Belgian looks like, so we invited his Royal Majesty King Albert II to do the honours. He said in a statement "France, Belgium and Germany - suck on this"

5. West Germany - The Real McCoy : 40 points

Celebrations and drunken slurring all around for the highest finish of the "big four" nations. Clearly a more crowd pleasing choice than the semi-final runner up "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions.

4. Switzerland - DJ Otzi : 43 points

Strange things happen when you Google Image search for the Swiss Navy.

3. Wales - Catatonia : 46 points

No, it's not a late entry from the Black and White Minstrel Show. Because that, unlike showing pictures of Moldovan prostitutes, would be racist. No, it's just some Welsh miners showing their glee at finishing in the coveted third position on the night.

2. Russia - TATU : 52 points

The world loves sleaze, and even better if it involves a pair of schoolgirls! This is such a popular result that Russia's greatest musical exports (even though they were from Germany) couldn't help but stop in and pay their tribute. Quoth the lead singer "AHAHAHAHA! HEY!"

And that only leaves one. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of Fantasy Eurovision 2009. You guessed it;

1. Sweden - Roxette : 55 points

And if you thought you had sat through 22 other acts just to see some scantily clad Swedish women writhing in celebration then you were wrong.

Let's get them out here for one more round of the winning song. Per and Marie, you crazy - and yes, hot - kids. Get out here now.



Right, that's it for this year. Direct your lawsuits to Channel 10 c/o Wobbies World Nunawading. Shall we go out on a song? Right lads and ladettes, let's hear it. Goodnight Europe.

Fantasy Eurovision 2009

(Dear readers, Last night's Eurovision was as dull as you've come to expect. No novelty songs, no classics. I'll get around to doing a write up eventually, but in it's place we now cross to the England for a version special TSP interactive event...) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wimbledon Greyhound Stadium for Europe's all time night of nights. Please welcome your host for the evening, the one and only Ugly Dave Gray. 'ere thank you very much. You know, when they rang me up and offered me the chance to host this evening I told my wife and she turned to me and said "It's going to be a special occasion. I'd like you to put me in something long and flowing". So I threw her in the river. Boom Boom. Anyway, on with the evening. The rules for Fantasy Eurovision are as follows; * No matter if the singers carked it years ago. After all we've all died on stage at one point or another. * No boring three minute limit for songs. * In the event of more than one nominee being available for the nation then the participant has been randomly drawn. Got that? Good. You know, on my way here tonight I walked past a couple a couple of flies. One looked down at the other and said "Don't look now, but your human's open" Ah ah ah ah ah ah. Err anyway. Once you're done refreshing your memory of the classic hits contained within scroll down to the bottom to cast your vote in this important contest. Viewers across the world are hanging on the results. Shall we all have a bit of a singalong then? Alright, let's have contestant #1 No, not that number one. This number one; 1. Switzerland - DJ Otzi "Hey Baby" 2. Wales - Catatonia "Road Rage" 3. East Germany - Nina Hagen "New York, NY" 4. Denmark - Aqua "Dr Jones" 5. Portugal - Rui Da Silva "Touch Me" 6. West Germany - The Real McCoy "Come and Get Your Love" 7. Italy - Albert One "Turbo Diesel" 8. Russia - TATU "All The Things She Said" 9. Iceland - The Sugarcubes "Birthday" 10. Moldova - O-Zone "Dragostea Din Tei" 11. Sweden - Roxette "Joyride" 12. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand "Ca Plane Pour Moi" 13. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey "A Good Heart" 14. England - The Members "Sound of the Suburbs" 15. Norway - A-ha "The Sun Only Shines On TV" 16. Greece - Diamanda Galas "Double Barrel Prayer" 17. Spain - Las Ketchup "The Ketchup Song" 18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban "Sing Hallelujah" 19. Austria - Falco "Der Kommissar" 20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - "Irish Rover" 21. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - "Bonny and Clyde" 22. Scotland - The Proclaimers "500 Miles" 23. Romania - Enigma "Sadeness Pt. 1" Wasn't that marvellous? Now for the most important part of the evening. Click here to cast your vote. While you vote let's take a look at the act that the reason we're in majestic South London tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning champions - Cats UK Results will be available after a decent period of reflection.

Ode to a Website

Since I took my first, tentative steps towards the internet in 1997 by connecting via a BBS and looking up wrestling results (this very page. I'm still confused over the logic of the Dusty Rhodes turn 11.5 years later) there are very few websites that I can claim have had any influence on my life. YouTube, Wikipedia, the aforementioned DDT Digest, redhotplumpers.com, AFL Tables....

That's about it really - everything else is just background noise and doe-eyed, scantily clad Bulgarian immigrants. However I'd like to pay tribute to the latest member of the TSP Hall of Fame. 

First, some background. Fantasy Football is nothing new. I remember owning a book in the early 90s explaining how you could set up a league with family and friends. Not surprisingly my Grade 6 classmates weren't as keen to pore over the stats and the book ended up discarded. In fact, before the internet came along footy tipping wsa king, and fantasy games were strictly for Americans or the English. Even post-internet nobody gave a rats for years, before the mid 2000s when Supercoach and Dream Team emerged. At first I paid scant regard, bizarrely choosing Jared Rivers as captain, then leaving him in the spot for about six weeks while injured.

Then along came Fan Footy and I was hooked. Being the sort of insular fan who couldn't care less about any player who didn't play for Melbourne a whole world of random players suddenly emerged. Who the in buggery is Craig Bird? No idea, but he's been in my team for two years. What sets it above every other sports site are the jaunty little icons next to players that tell you how they're performing. It's replaced the clunky AFL.com.au Game Tracker as the best place to follow a game. In an era when a player can have 30 touches and still not be anywhere near the best players in a match, it's Fan Footy that gives you the information you need to know to follow a game even if you haven't got it on the radio or TV.

[NB: The graphic originally displayed here has disappeared due to being hosted in a rubbish location. Use your imagination]/

From the 'sun' icon I can tell the top six players are all running "hot", Jack Grimes is on Brad Johnson, Cheney is rising in value, Bartram is tagging, Miller is playing badly and Warnock has a specific defensive job. Hover over any of the logos for specific stats. What else do you need to know? Sure, you need to reject the idea of having a life to get into this stuff but once you do it's addictive. Looking for the scores on your mobile in the middle of a tedious date? Staight to FF. 

The guiltiest pleasure of the whole thing is the tombstone logo. () It means somebody's copped a long term injury but seeing it is a major event. Prismall, Hille, most of the Melbourne side at one time or another, you know that logo means somebody will be gone for a long time. When Russell Robertson blew his achilles to shreds last year and I saw that on the screen in a dingy Singapore internet cafe I let out a plaintive wail. It's one thing when the radio says somebody's done their knee, but it's not true until m0nty confirms it. 

The genius of the tombstone is that in my circle of acquaintances it has passed into common usage. Somebody's broken their leg falling out of a tree, "it's a tombstone for...". Somebody's died? "Tombstones all around". In fact, I would like to think that if I snuffed it tomorrow that my death notice would read; 

 Adam 1.0  

The other notable feature of the site is the running commentary alongside the stats, most of which is seemingly written by 13-year-olds or complete lunatics. The vast majority consists of people posting as if they're actually talking directly to the player, though it's hard to work out whether Justin Sherman would actually know what "BoMbErZ-93" meant if he rolled up to him in the street and yelled "WTF SHERMAN u absolute MANCHILD". Apparently it's a compliment. 

Every game can also be relied on to have some muppet post that they made the lowest scorer on the ground their captain that week (double points) as if nobody has ever thought of that gag before. Then there's outright abuse. This afternoon "footy_wiz" was moved to say "firrito u flowering [fuck is replaced with flower, hillarity ensues - 1.0] spud, the 2 first gamers did better than you". No consideration of the fact that Firrito is richer, more famous and more chance of getting laid than anyone who has ever logged onto that website, myself included. 

This year has seen the final ascent of fantasy football to the tip of everyone's tongue. Suddenly the real footy dissectors are coming in on Monday and talking points instead of tips. The old style footy tipping, where you'd study the form for ten years and still get beaten by the work experience kid who guesses, has been dethroned. It's a good thing, even if it has been taken a bit far with Dream Team updates on the big screen at the MCG and during radio calls. Even if it has created the phenomenon of idiots in the crowd going bananas over their own team copping a goal just because it's come from one of their players. 

 It'll play itself out over the next couple of years and everyone will get sick of it again but it's a wild ride while it lasts - and as far as I'm concerned Fan Footy is the best thing about it. In fact, as they might say , ,  

P.S - If I win my work comp this year I'm going to run into the office, throw Gatorade over myself in celebration and dedicate the victory to m0nty

Good God

 

"There is a nip in the air" he says. "I love Australia for Australians". Why are you rapping then you old crunt? 

This was so bad it couldn't even chart in 1992 in a year when 2 Unlimited, Right Said Fred and Dannii Minogue were riding high in the Top 40. Pure horror.

Bank of Horror

Everyone mocks me for parking my money with Bank of Queensland, but the distinct lack of customers has an advantage in being able to eavesdrop on other customers. 

This was a particuarly cringeworthy exchange between Horny Customer (HC) - a trady sort in a singlet - and Attractive Teller (AT) - an, err, attractive teller. 

HC - How are you?
AT - Oh not good, I'm sick 

HC - Oh yeah, I noticed you weren't here last week. 

AT - I'm getting better now 

HC - *laughing* It wasn't that AIDS was it? *silence* 

HC - I had that once. Ha ha. Got rid of it, gave it to somebody else. *long silence* 

*Adam tries to remain upright whilst feeling the need to fall to the floor*

*still silence* 

AT - So....... what can I help you with today? 

Supremely inappropriate. Gentlemen, remember that line next time you're trying to woo a special lady.