Hello Operator - a tribute to Australia's most offensive comedy album

If there's ever a serious discussion about the most influential Australian comedy albums I want a seat on the panel. Obviously, various 12th Man recordings are at the top of the pile, but I'd like to make the case that Kevin Bloody Wilson's Kev's Back (The Return of the Yobbo) is next in the queue.

Not that you'd play it for your grandmother, or that it in any way lines up with today's moral standards, but find me another non-Billy Birmingham production of original material that is still remembered - at least in some part - by so many people. 

Sure, this is very much a middle-aged person thing, and anybody under 40 probably has no idea what I'm on about. Find an older person and show them, I bet they'll know what I'm on about. Meanwhile, I'll accept nominations for anything this millennium that has had the same impact. Bad luck Tripod fans, you'll never manage it.

Something else you'll never manage again is shifting 280,000 albums, and even that was only good enough for the eighth best-selling record of the year. The #1 in 2019 sold half that. One of those 280,000 was my uncle (no way my aunt was involved), whose house I swiped the cassette from during the summer of 1993/1994. I doubt he noticed, it was lifted from a collection of tapes that had been stuffed at the back of a cupboard untouched for years. No idea what else was in the collection, certainly nothing that moved me to theft. Sadly, by this time the cover was long gone and I didn't get to see Kev pissing his initials against a wall with replica urine so dark that he'd be immediately hospitalised if it was real.

There's nothing complicated about Kev's Back, it's 10 comedy songs that you wouldn't play on the radio unless you wanted to get sacked. However, I caution you not to confuse the use of much wildly offensive racial language with it being some sort of proto-Pauline Hanson's One Nation style wankfest. It's full of language you'd refer to as 'outdated' at best, but from the days when politics was a bit more complicated than one-eyed barracking for parties like footy teams, a cameo impersonation of Bob Hawke treats him like a hero at the expense at the Liberals. Doesn't mean you should drive down the road playing it from loudspeakers though, and this post will firmly nail down the coffin of any remaining ambitions I had for holding public office. 

But do be warned in advance of clicking any links, there's stuff in here that you'd be cancelled/bricked in the street for doing these days. But, if you're capable of simultaneously thinking something is offensive and funny a lot of it is, in the words of Rodney Rude - piss funny. Please form an orderly queue to complain. 

Speaking of Rude, he lost to Wilson in an Ali vs Foreman style battle for that year's inaugural ARIA Award for Best Comedy Release. Imagine the CARNAGE if an album like this was nominated for an award now, much less won? There would be street riots. The Rude/Wilson axis took on a field including Austin Tayshus, Vince Sorrenti and Australia You're Standing In It (featuring Captain Snooze). Against that lot, I can only imagine Rude Rides Again (featuring the single I Hate Cats) ran second. 

Rude went on to be the Glenn Close of the ARIAs, nominated a further eight times without success, before bowing out after an unsuccessful 2009 campaign for Rodney Rude Goes The Growl. It's all been downhill from there - last year, Chris Lilley got nominated for an album featuring "a South African lesbian pet psychic to the stars".

Not everyone shared the enthusiasm of the ARIA judges. For example, future Walkley Award winning journalist Richard Guilliatt was particularly unimpressed.

Do your own research, but there aren't that many poo jokes. He's pretty much right on the rest of the content, but can you trust anyone who says 'norks' instead of 'norgs'? Also, explain to me how an album can go 'top 10' on a radio station Richard?

As I never had the official track listing, and I don't remember the cassette labelling the sides, it took  roughly 25 years to find out I'd be listening to this in the wrong order. As we'll find out shortly, the track listing makes no sense, and though I absolutely reject it you're free to make your own decisions. Now, please strap yourself in for outrage and let's tackle this one spicy track at a time:

SIDE 1

1. The Last Lager Waltz
This is what I'm talking about with the tracklist, why would you put something with the word 'last' in it as the opening track? Didn't even make sense when I thought it was the start of the second side, and these are the topics I wish Andrew Denton had tackled when he interviewed Mr. Bloody Wilson. 

Maybe they put it first because it's a good old fashioned comedy romp with nothing more offensive than him stumbling back from the toilet with his dong out. Other than Hell's Bells, find me a better opening line on an Australian album than "I'm trying to waltz and I can't even walk", which is followed by four minutes of Kev making a pillock of himself at an old fashioned dance after necking "a bottle of Bundy and two dozen cans". 

The highlight is undoubtedly the wounded cry of "HE HIT ME!" after spewing on somebody's car, but it's not an entirely wasted night, as he ends by saying "I've never had this much fun before. It's great at the Last Lager Waltz". Which is nice. There is also a music video where Kev plays drunk better than Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas but Christ only knows where it was shown. Rodney Rude might have unexpectedly hosted Countdown, but I guarantee you Molly never gave this a run. 

2. That's What He Really Said

Look, you're not supposed to laugh at the misfortune of the Mayor of Hiroshima and there's a term used for indigenous Australians that would have you wiped out at warp speed now but this isn't a review of Nanette, some blood will be spilt. If you take nothing else from this album, consider the opening line "I've come to the conclusion, 'cos I get around a bit, that half of what you read is bull and the other half's all shit", and how it remains valid today.

Otherwise, stay for Bob Hawke offering Malcolm Fraser two fingers up his arse after “Labor shit on Liberals" and the all-time great suggestion that Pope John Paul II should have called the guy who shot him a "dirty rotten cunt."

3. Kev's Courtin' Song
Where Kev stuffs up the ancient art of cracking on, promoting rampant sexual harassment by opening the door for every Australian male in licensed premises to ask women one of the following questions:

• Do you fuck on first dates?
• Does your dad own a brewery?
• Can I feel your tits, or will you show them to me?

Not for the last time in this review, you can enjoy the comedy value of this while also feeling sorry for people who had the lines parrotted at them by various yobbos and dickheads. These days police would be called, and probably fair enough. From a purely musical perspective, it's Kev's wholehearted belting out of the chorus that makes this track. He casually rolls through the verses, then delivers the key performance indicators with the energy of somebody performing in a country shithole and expecting to be hit with a chair at any minute. What the record offers that a sweaty Kalgoorlie pub doesn't is Motown-style female backing singers, lending an air of class to proceedings.

Kev encourages you to have a go at his method, but provides a warning that it's not foolproof. "I've been spat at, and slapped, and kneed in the knackers", he says, then does a deviant laugh before admitting "but then I got a few fucks as well." In the modern day you could try this on Tinder and avoid the spitting, slapping and kneeing, but I don't fancy you'll get your end away before the account is suspended.

 

4. Breathe Through My Ears
Always the lowlight for me, generally fast-forwarded. There was nothing for me at that age about somebody with a 10 inch tongue who has mastered cunnilingus. Even now, it's by some distance the most boring track on the album. Inessential. However, congratulations if you used to go out with Claire:

5. Mick the Master Farter

Now here's a tale of a great Australian, a man with a "double-jointed arse", who can summon up both power and stench in any scenario from a school rugby game to the America's Cup. Sure Kamahl gets called "sambo", which is not ideal (another highlight of the Denton interview, saying he never used that term, then realising he had), but otherwise this is top-shelf comedy gold, with Mick being called "fucking good" by everyone up to Bob Hawke (him again).

It's also a triumph of production, with the trombone providing substitute fart noises. I always thought kids who picked that instrument were dickheads because it was massive and they had to cart it everywhere, but if your career possibilities included playing mock-flatulence on comedy albums maybe they were the smart ones? Sadly, by the time Who Farted? by The Vaughans arrived they were sampling the real thing instead of going to the trouble of crafting soundalike noises on brass instruments.

SIDE 2

6. Livin' Next Door To Alan
This is what it means when they say "The album includes what is claimed by critics to be overtly racist humour".  While the other tracks that get a bit racial are confined to funny voices, this probably set race relations back by 20 years. Even in the mid-1980s, in an era where King Billy Cokebottle was a viable recording artist, the lyrics seem a bit stiff. Kev claims that he got a request for it when visiting an indigenous community, and the audience fell over themselves laughing at the line "at least we don't got fucking coons live next door to us." I'm not sure that fully takes the curse off it, but string me up by the ankles and wallop me like a pinata, parts of it still make me laugh.

Given that I thought this was the opening track, it obviously made quite the impression. Political correctness hadn't reached me yet, if I heard this for the first time now I'd look around nervously and deny ever having being involved. The main reason I thought this was supposed to open the album is that it's recorded live. What's the point in doing half an album then randomly dropping in a live track? What really roped me in was the unsung pisswreck who fills a moment of silence between Kev's spoken explanation of the song and the actual singing to yell "FUCK YOUR MUM!" Somehow, by the end of the song that's not even in the top 20 most offensive things said.

The album may have been in over a quarter of a million homes, but not everyone was having it. There's no way of talking yourself out of this I don't  think there's any way of talking yourself out of this, but Kev's defence is absurdly unconvincing. 

But while the song reinforces stereotypes and fails the modern comedy test of punching down instead of up, the reviewer has failed to correctly interpret the end of the song. Bondy doesn't leave because his neighbours "stink the place up so bad", it's that Australia's richest man (not having yet bought Channel 9 or gone to jail) keeps being one-upped. 

So, via a suspect moral path, the family who "came down from Meekatharra in a burnt-out blue FJ" are actually the heroes of the story. Scant consolation I'm sure, and I'm legally obliged to say - to avoid ending up at a tribunal - that it doesn't make any of the racial stuff ok.

If you can put the controversy to one side, a couple of moments on this track had a long-lasting influence on me. The first is the bit after the subtle pause before he adds "and the Leyland Brothers!" to a list of Bond's party guests. The live crowd went wild, and I gained a reference fit for when the situation wasn't dire enough to mention of Burke and Wills. Sure, by the time I heard this Mike and Mal had already gone bust after opening a crap theme park and you may as well mention Alby Mangels to people today for all they're going to understand, but it just comes naturally now.  

The second is when Bond calls Ben Lexcen and orders another yacht "twice as big and twice as fast as the one I've already got". The punchline, "That'll fuck 'em!" is something I say in any situation involving going one better than somebody else. So, I can't endorse the song as a whole but there are nuggets of comedy gold if you're brave enough to strap on the Hazmat suit and wade in. Whatever you do, for the love of all that is holy don't read the YouTube comments.

I wonder if people were inspired to rediscover this song after 1995's dreadful Alice, Who The Fuck Is Alice track came out in 1995? I was probably still listening to the Kev version, the tape had done the rounds of most of my classmates by that point and as far as I know none of us ended up as Senate candidates for fringe far-right parties.

7. The Pubic Hair Song
In which Kev takes a scientific look at accents from around the world, determining that they're influenced by rogue pubic hairs. Basically just an excuse to do comedy accents - Italian (on top lip), Chinese (back of throat), Scottish (roof of mouth) and even ocker Australian (up nose). The Indian accent is usually a rich source of comedy in this county (see Mahatma Cote and Matt Tilley pretending to work in a call centre) but surprisingly fails to qualify here.

The backing singers are best on ground. That's who I'd like to hear from, the women paid to turn up at a studio and sing "in this old world there's not a thing to drive you to despair..." so some bloke can do a novelty accented rhyme with "pubic hair." Not all heroes etc... 

8. It Was Over (Kev's Lament)
The second track to earn a music video, and even less likely to be played on Rage. It's a flashback to young Kev unsuccessfully trying to get off with a young lady in the backseat of his car. The line "I remember back on our very first date" implies that the two characters lived happily ever after, but not before a scenario later described as "I had a cunt of a night but me undies had a ball".

I don't know if it's possible to prematurely blow your load multiple times in quick succession, but young Kev manages it x4, to the backing of doo-wop sounds from a knock-off Delltones. Then her dad bangs on the roof of the car and he shits himself as well. However, Kev doesn't go home without some sort of result, the bra obviously came off at some point because he says it was the "first time I'd had a tit in me mouth since I was nine months old". I'm sure people who did get it on in the backseat of cars felt a nostalgic pang from this song, I can't think of anything worse.

My favourite part is the evergreen, fit for all purposes line "You hear people say that they'd love to go back and do things that they did in the past, but if you reckon they were the real good old days you can go shove them right up your arse." Which pretty much says it all about nostalgia. Except for posts about how old comedy albums are better than new ones, they are very good. 

If you're watching the video stay right to the end (or skip to 2.20) for another acting masterclass, this time for his reaction to his soiled underderps sticking to the wall.

9. Dick'taphone
If you think Kev's Courtin' Song ruined the dating scene, imagine the effect this had on Telecom's 013 service? The track that launched a thousand nuisance calls is my favourite, and there's a far-fetched claim that Prince Charles was into it too. Imagine the chaos when this album was flying high in the charts and every second listener thought they'd be the first to ring up and tell the operator to "stick that fucking phone up your fucking arse". Then imagine Charlie doing it. I wish the tabloids had taped him saying that instead of having disappointing sex chat with Camilla.

Also in massive trouble, anybody with the phone number 477 3104. In the interest of science I applied a nine and called it. Sadly, in Melbourne at least, it has been subject to the Tommy Tutone rule and disconnected. Ironically, Kevin Bloody Wilson's home town of Perth seems to be the only place in Australia where the number still works, allegedly for an A. Agostino. We respectfully ask that you do not ring them up and ask to place a call.

The problem with home versions of this song is that the line itself is not funny in isolation. You could ring up Mr or Mrs Agostino and shout it, but it's not funny without the nasal voice Kev sings in. Whispering Jack be buggered, this is one of the great Australian vocal performances, especially the way he pronounces "arse" as "arth" for no obvious reason. That's the mark of a professional, making a subtle change that significantly improves the overall package.

Trouble starts when the unnamed protagonist tries to connect a call to the soon-to-be infamous 477 3104, but is continually thwarted by the Telecom operator's poor hearing. Eventually he cracks the sads, and when told "I got the first bit, I just can't get the last", invites her to... well, you know. A legend was born, and by all accounts it was regularly aired at maximum volume in the most inappropriate places. Like one night at Flagstaff Station in the late 80s, where the staff thought it safe to blast the song through the station PA after the last train departed, only to be confronted by a pair of ashen-faced cleaners who had never heard such filth in all their lives.

We don't hear the operator's response to this helpful suggestion, but she is obviously not happy because a couple of days later the man from Telecom turns up to disconnect Kev's phone for "a breach of regulations", helpfully suggesting "it might help if you'd recall exactly what you said..." as an excuse to do the chorus again.

Kev is offered a chance at redemption by apologising to 'Operator 42', but the Telecom receptionist makes him repeat what he said and we're at it again. Finally, the operator turns up, by which time he's had enough, issues the immortal line "you'd better fuckin' brace yourself 'cos they're bringing it around" and abuses her again. I've always wanted to say that in real life but have never had the chance. Presumably his phone was never reconnected and he had to wait several years for Optus to start.

At the time of thieving this album I was also right into crank calls, aided by a phone box 50 metres from my front door. Perhaps due to concerns that I too would be tracked down and asked to recall exactly what I said, the victims were usually Demtel operators (008 023 025, I even remember the number). There is absolutely no doubt that at some point somebody was told stick the phone and I feel really bad about it now. In fact, I suspect guilt about the cavalcade of artless, abusive calls to anyone with a free call number is why I don't like calling people to this day. By 1994 Demtel had switched to a 'cost of a local call' number and I feel partly responsible. But only partly, everybody in Australia aged 10 and up was tormenting the piss out of them. 

I was too busy laughing at the time to think about the premise, but surely by 1986 you didn't have to ring an operator and ask them to put you through to a number. Either you knew the number and dialled it or you didn't and you rang up to find it out. Maybe, like the Last Lager Waltz it was set in the past? Again, where was Denton with the important questions like this?

10. Hey Santa Claus
If you thought Telecom operators had it bad, imagine how shopping centre Santas went after people heard this? The air would have been turning blue at Westfields across Australia as men of all ages yelled "hey Santa Claus you cunt, where's me fuckin' bike?" in the presence of bewildered children and horrified parents.

In the finest tradition of "I'm normal but my kids are weird", this opens with reminiscences of the simple Christmases of the narrator's youth. They couldn't afford tinsel for their Christmas tree so they'd just wheel old grandad in and "make the old cunt sneeze". That takes up the first 50 seconds, with no indication of the total chaos to follow. Then he overhears his own kids unwrapping presents and we're off the races.

"Hey Santa Claus you cunt.
Where's me fuckin' bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like
I wrote you a fuckin' letter, and I come to see you twice
You worn out geriatic fart, you forgot my fuckin' bike."

And from that moment on, nobody who wore the Santa Claus suit was safe from abuse. Nor, as it turns out, was the narrator's daughter, who appears to have suffered gross sexual assault from the Santa in question, having been made to "sit right on your hand". Even as a kid this bit was jarring to me, coming a time when priests were starting to be exposed as nonces left, right and centre. Good thing nobody was concentrating on this bit, we were all just DELIGHTING in the excessive use of the ultimate swear word, one that still had the power to shock Australians.

This is the song people are most likely to have heard of, even just in passing. It's a chorus that will certainly get stuck in your head, whether you like it or not. Less memorable (to everyone but me), the description of Santa as a 'pisstank', which hinted towards the title of Bloody Wilson's less successful next album, described here in the most deadpan possible way:

... and that wraps it up. Critics and punters howled for different reasons, while I was several years behind. Probably best I didn't hear it on release given that I was five years old. Once I got into it six years late I was hooked. A year later my other aunt inexplicably gave me a copy of Wired World of Sports 2 for Christmas and my filth education got another big kick again. Two decades later I was described by a workmate as the most creative swearer he'd ever met. Thanks for your contribution Kev.

I have no idea where the tape ended up. By the late 1990s my cassette collection was well beyond its use-by date, and best guess is that the lot got dumped into a Salvos bin shortly before the turn of the century. It wasn't until YouTube came along that I was reunited with these monster hits. Then Spotify arrived, and in the course of researching this post I may have ended up on a post-cultural revolution hit list.

It's claimed that Equatorian Guinean president and confirmed shitbloke Francisco Macias Nguema once executed dissidents with a firing squad dressed as jolly old St. Nick. I will request the same treatment, and when asked if I have any final words I will say "Hey Santa Claus...."

Remembering the magic and mystery of the Goodies in South Africa

Long time readers, you are not going crazy, there was a post on this about 15 years ago. Christ only knows where it went.



Nothing says the 1970s like 26 minutes of mocking South African racism by simultaneously committing war crimes against modern standards. People who try to write off old shows by what's acceptable now should be stuffed in a woodchipper but I still advise you not to watch it on a crowded train. If you can find one (readers of the future, this was a very topical comment at the time of writing).

Years before Lethal Weapon 2 buried the Apartheid lovers to a whole new generation, this instantly establishes them as total shits via the kidnapping of a kindly granny.



A moment please for two of the greatest moments in television history



and...



The Goodies are swiftly bundled into a box, which is exactly what would happen to you if you tried to make this episode now.



Cue about three more minutes of gags about things being white.



So, the evil Afrikaaner/English bloke half doing an accent commissions The Goodies to make a film encouraging immigration to South Africa. Due to much confusion over recent immigration to the United Kingdom contemporary hilarity ensures.



Don't suppose they thought of using this picture on Tim Brooke-Taylor's obituary



This would be a good time to point out that the views of this program do not represent that of this blog or its authors.



After a campaign only slightly more ill-fated than Australia spending millions on tourism ads just before a global pandemic, The Goodies are forced to do their bit for the white race and go to South Africa, where they receive a taste of local customs.



Then, after a few minutes of Bill Oddie doing impressions of native South Africans that would get you shot these days and uncomfortably excessive use of the term 'nig nog', the joke is on him when a zany new form of discrimination is introduced.



To which Bill fails to qualify, and is subsequently forced to replace the previously enslaved population, who have all pushed off to the UK.



In the midst of one of those chase montages that are in every episode, a free dick joke.



It's possible that this whole episode was done just to get this gag in.



... and for the appealing visual of jockeys being locked up.



Tiring of rampant racism and discrimination, and under threat of a rebellion from short people, the Goodies look for somewhere more tolerant to live. They couldn't find anywhere, so they went back to 70s Britain.



Where they duly salute the passing Queen



But, as somewhere a viewer kicked their TV in, Britain's gone black...

And after a "keep Britain black" pep-talk from a famous celebrity...



... they decide if you can't beat them join them.

Remarkable stuff. Can't think why they never played this episode on ABC in the afternoon.

Football Manager: English Chaos

The process of editing in Football Manager is more interesting than playing the games, which is why over the many years of wasting time on this game I've probably done as much messing around with league structures than actually managing.

On that note I bring you the return of a concept that I first tried about 10 years ago but never documented, in which we flip the top English divisions and see what happens next. The Premier League teams go to League Two, the League Two teams go to the Premier League, and the Championship/League One swap positions. The real entertainment value of this comes a few seasons in when we discover what small teams have unexpectedly become massive, and what big sides are trapped in Non-League hell.

Also please note this experiment is being conducted on FM18 because I refused to buy FM19 due to them not adding anything of interest (please note: for FM20 please give us historical seasons and option to play as Director of Football only and let the AI manage the games and then we're talking again).

2017/2018
The divisions line up like this:

Premier League


Championship


League One


League Two



... and just below that star-studded collection of League Two sides is a set of Conference teams who are in massive trouble when they're promoted at the end of the season.

Results

Premier League
What a tremendously wholesome competition this was, with first and ninth only three points apart at the halfway mark. The battle came down to four, with Chesterfield missing a golden chance to jump ahead of Luton with four to play. The Hatters held on to take the title. All the relegated teams were competitive but will presumably now plummet down the divisions.

A real highlight was these previously penniless sides paying $40 million bonuses to their directors after one season in the top flight.

Championship

Nearly refused to continue playing when the MK filth beat the late Bury in the playoff final, but in the interests of science I'll soldier on.

League One

It's RIP to Burton, Charlton, Bradford and Wigan, who drop right into the snakepit of League 2, still featuring 18 of its original 22 sides.

League Two
United and Liverpool romped to the top two spots, while Arsenal leapt City and Chelsea by beating them on the last day of the season. The enormous upset was West Brom knocking Spurs over on penalties in the playoff final, leaving three massive sides still in the division for next season.

... and the lucky Conference sides to be promoted into this division for season two are Leyton Orient and Dagenham. May god have mercy on their souls.

FA Cup
Tottenham 4 d. Huddersfield 0

League Cup
Manchester United 2 d. Chelsea 1

League Trophy
The first season's teams must be hardcoded because all the 'new' EPL teams played in it as they would have under normal, boring circumstances.

Portsmouth 2 d. Rotherham 0

Europe
All your standard teams played in the European competitions one last time before the new generation take over. Manchester United lost in the semi final of the Champions League and Arsenal beat Everton in the Europa League final. Spurs qualified for the Season 2 Europa League by winning the FA Cup.

International scene
The English side is obviously still dominated by the big clubs. It'll take a few years to start see players from novelty countries in the international setup. England went out of the World Cup against Brazil in the Second Round.

2018/2019

Premier League
The new money teams learned how to play the EPL game quickly, paying $80k-$100k a week to players barely worth that in total value. I suppose the game just thinks "it's a Premier League team, better pay accordingly", instead of scaling it based on player reputation. Either way, a lot of very ordinary digital players just got very rich.

Amongst the dozens of free transfer signings from around Europe, especially from the Scotland Premier League and younger players from the old EPL teams, there were a few +$5 million sales:

• Joel Campbell - Arsenal to Oxford ($12.75m)
• Shane Duffy - Brighton to Rotherham ($11.75m)
• Daryl Janmaat - Watford to Colchester ($10.75m)
• Tom Ince - Huddesfield to Rotherham ($10.25m)
• Nikola Vlasic - Everton to Carlisle ($8.75m)
• Matthew Targett - Southampton to Coventry ($8.25m)
• Barry Bannan - Sheffield Wednesday to Colchester ($7.25m)
• Joe Worrall - Nottingham Forest to Exeter ($7m)
• Danny Batth - Wolves to Carlisle ($6m)
• Ollie Watkins - Brentford to Mansfield ($5.75m)
• Duncan Watmore - Sunderland to Notts County ($5.25m)

and during the January window, where Chesterfield got about like they were owned by oil rich oligarchs.

• Che Adams - Birmingham to Coventry ($20.5m - new record)
• Lewis Cook - Bournemouth to Chesterfield ($16m)
• Lewis Dunk - Brighton to Chesterfield ($15.75m)
• Tom Cleverley - Watford to Carlisle ($14.75m)
• Luciano Narsingh - Swansea to MK ($11.5m)
• Charlie Taylor - Burnley to Chesterfield ($10.75m)
• Cyrus Christie - Fulham to Rotherham ($5.5m)
• Mario Pasalic - Chelsea to Rotherham ($5.25m)
• Adama Traore - Middlesbrough to Stevenage ($5.25m)

Luton struggled to get going with their title defence, and at the turn of the year sat fifth, seven points behind leaders Rotherham. The Millers had a strong grip on the title with a five point lead over Carlisle entering the new year. Sadly they stuffed it up, then Carlisle did likewise and left me with my greatest nightmare. This is like when Skynet became self-aware and destroyed human civilisation:

Just like real life Mansfield Town fucked it up by losing to them on the last day. A curse on your club. The EPL dropped to third in European league rankings at the end of the year. With champions like this they deserve to be 125th.

Championship
To nobody's surprise promoted Leeds and Derby were easily the two standout sides in the division. Interest is in whether they'll automatically walk the EPL next season, or whether the improved financial status of the incumbents will slow them down. Leeds in particular were ransacked by Premier League clubs during the January transfer window.



League One
Surprise promotion winners West Brom fell back to earth, plunging into the mid-table and sacking the manager who'd done such a good job getting them up in the first place. With a new manager their fortunes improved, recovering to make the playoffs. On the other hand, Liverpool romped to the title and enter season three as the reddest of red hot favorites to regain Premiership status.



Preston North End are one to watch in the future after a sugar daddy takeover by a Thai investor left them with $77m to spend on players.

League Two
After a season of goodwill from top players the bailout is on. Kevin De Bruyne went from Man City to PSG for $84m, Bernardo Silva from Man City to Bayern for $60m and N'Golo Kante from Chelsea to Barca for $52m. The losses didn't hurt City, who romped to an easy title win at the second attempt.



Shock third place getters Bournemouth were lucky to beat Chelsea, having to play (and lose to) Manchester City on the last day but seeing their promotion rivals go down to second placed Spurs. Hilariously, Chelsea then got knocked out of the playoffs by Leicester at the first hurdle, leaving them down among the dead men for a third season.

The story of the year was Dagenham and Redbridge, who battled away from near certain relegation at New Years' Day and survived on goal difference, sending Burton Albion out of the league instead. Sunderland came straight back up as Conference champions, while Norwich had to do it the hard way via the playoffs. They come back for another go in a dramatically weakened league compared to the one that saw them go down two seasons earlier.

There was a slight difference in the sponsorship race, with Chelsea pocketing $185m and Leyton Orient getting $160k.

FA Cup
Manchester United 2 d. Arsenal 1

League Cup
Manchester United 3 d. Liverpool 1

League Trophy
Normal service resumed, with the old EPL teams playing against the new generation's Under 23s.

Southampton 3 d. Liverpool 1

Europe
Just as the English League went up to second in the UEFA Coefficients, Notts County, Carlisle and Chesterfield lose six of six in the group stages, while Luton scramble one draw. Good luck having four spots in the future. Only Arsenal - in as reigning Europa League champions - made it past the group stage, losing in the second knockout round. The Europa League offered more joy, with Man Utd making the quarter final.

International scene
For now the England squad is still occupied by big names, but a few lower club players are starting to appear in the junior teams.

2019/2020
As the top flight clubs enjoyed full coffers from years of TV money the big transfers really kicked off in earnest. Higher value international players started coming back to the EPL, and there was also a flood of juniors leaving ex-Premiership teams stuck deep in the league.

• Jordan Ayew - Swansea to Carlisle ($16m)
• Kieran Trippier - Tottenham to Derby ($14m)
• Adam Smith - Bournemouth to Coventry ($13.75m)
• Matt Phillips - West Brom to Carlisle ($12.5m)
• Joe Wildsmith - Sheffield Wednesday to Coventry ($11m)
• Dominic Calvert-Lewin - Everton to Chesterfield ($10.75m)
• Kamil Grosicki - Hull to MK ($9.25m)
• Josh Sims - Southampton to Derby ($9.25m)
• Benik Afobe - Bournemouth to Luton ($9.25m)
• Patrick Bamford - Middlesbrough to Chesterfield ($9.25m)
• Dylan Batubinsika - Antwerp to Rotherham ($8.25m)
• Moussa Sissoko - Tottenham to Rotherham ($7.5m)
• Youssef Ait Bennasser - Monaco to Leeds ($7.5m)
• Liam Moore - Reading to MK ($7.25m)
• Sebastian Szymanski - Legia to Yeovil ($7m)
• Mykola Matvienko - Brondby to Chesterfield ($6.75m)
• Joshua King - Bournemouth to Derby ($6.75m)
• Jurgen Locadia - Brighton to Chesterfield ($6.5m)
• Alex Pritchard - Huddersfield to Chesterfield ($6.5m)
• Jacob Murphy - Newcastle to Luton ($6.25m)
• Ryan Fredericks - Lincoln to Derby ($6m)
• Santi Comesana - Rayo to MK ($5.5m)
• Tom Lees - Sheffield Wednesday to Notts County ($5.25m)
• Ben Godfrey - Hull to Chesterfield ($5.25m)
• Ramiro Funes Mori - Everton to Lincoln ($5m)

And +$10m deals in the January window - featuring Notts County spending a fortune then going within a couple of points of relegation.

• Charly Musonda - Chelsea to Chesterfield ($41.5m - new record)
• Reece Oxford - West Ham to Crewe ($25.5m)
• Rekeem Harper - Stevenage to Chesterfield ($24.5m)
• Dean Henderson - Wolves to Oxford ($23m)
• Tammy Abraham - Chelsea to Notts County ($22m)
• Ryan Bertrand - Southampton to Notts County (20.5m)
• Anthony Knockaert - Brighton to Luton ($20m)
• Tom Cairney - Fulham to Notts County ($18.5m)
• Izzy Brown - Chelsea to Coventry ($17.5m)
• Jamaal Lascelles - Newcastle to Yeovil ($17.25m)
• Robbie Brady - Burnley to Notts County ($17m)
• James Maddison - Norwich to Notts County ($16.75m)
• Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg - Southampton to Stevenage ($16.25m)
• Christian Kabasele - Watford to Exeter ($15.5m)
• Jose Izquierdo - Brighton to Chesterfield ($15m)
• Chris Wood - Burnley to Carlisle ($14.5m)
• Sandro - Everton to Yeovil ($12.75m)
• Danny Rose - Tottenham to Carlisle ($1.25m)
• Jonas Vatne Brauti - Bury to Swindon ($11.25m)

Premier League

Promoted Leeds and Derby started the season as favourites in a wide-open division, and the top of the table was a close affair. At least in every aspect other than first place, where Leeds didn't overly impress but still did enough to finish comfortably clear at the top. In relegation, Lincoln went 7th, 12th, 19th across three seasons, just the sort of slide to death you expect from this setup.

... and congratulations to Luton, who moved into the new Ricky Hill Arena and celebrated by bouncing back from their post-title hangover and qualifying for Europe.

Championship



Manchester United didn't muck around in the race to get back to the top, spending $87m on 29-year-old Andriy Yarmolenko from Dortmund. They were duly promoted back to the top flight without many concerns but had to settle for second behind Arsenal. Liverpool were forced to go via the playoffs and got a huge scare against Bury in the semi before making it back to the top flight.

League One

For all their earlier troubles City dominated, not losing until game 41. At the other end, Newport County became the first side to do the straight slide from Premiership back to League 2. Meanwhile, a big FU for Leicester, who finished a mile ahead of Bournemouth then lost to them in the playoff final.

League Two


Chelsea finally escaped, but their diminished status from three seasons in the lower divisions saw them passed by Watford for the title. The 5th to 13th sides are the ones who'll be trying to work their way out of the division in the next couple of years.

Replacing the dearly departed Dagenham and Cheltenham are York and playoff winners Macclesfield.

FA Cup
Manchester United 3 d. Southampton 0

League Cup
Manchester United 1 d. Liverpool 0 for their fourth straight win in the competition.

League Trophy
Tottenham 2 d. Everton 2 (AET on penalties)

Europe
All the Premier League sides were rubbish in Europe again, with Manchester United providing the only glimmer of pride for England by winning the EURO Cup.

International scene
Ryan Bertrand of Notts County and Jack Butland of Yeovil were in the England squad by the end of the year but both were bought when already in contention rather than developed from the EPL. Holland put England out of the European Champions at the second stage, costing Gareth Southgate his job. He was replaced by Leeds manager Paul Heckingbottom.

2020/2021

Due to the increased spending in the Premiership the 'big transfer' mark is now $10m, and there was plenty of player movement above that level.

• Mattia De Sciglio - Juventus to Manchester United ($92m - new record)
• Mauro Icardi - Inter to Manchester United ($82m)
• Roberto Gagliardini - Inter to Arsenal ($64m)
• Emre Can - Liverpool to Arsenal ($64m)
• Kyle Walker - Manchester City to Liverpool ($60m)
• Christian Eriksen - Dortmund to Liverpool ($59m)
• Trent Alexander-Arnold - Tottenham to MK ($57m)
• Sime Vrsajlko - Shanghai SIPG to Manchester United ($55m)
• Marcos Alonso - Tottenham to Oxford ($40.5m)
• Michail Antonio - Yeovil to Luton ($39m)
• Malcom - Bordeaux to Manchester United ($33.5m)
• Emanule Mammana - Zenit to Arsenal ($33.5m)
• Geronimo Ruli - Real Sociedad to Liverpool ($33m)
• Alex Meret - Udinese to MK ($32.5m)
• Lee Granger - Hibs to Stevenage ($30.5m)
• Francisco Geraldes - Sporting to Liverpool ($29.5m)
• Jack Wilshere - Arsenal to Leeds ($27.5m)
• Kasey Palmer - Chelsea to Mansfield ($26.5m)
• Richarlison - Watford to Yeovil ($23.5m)
• Anass Zaroury - Zulte Waregem to Carlisle ($22.5m)
• Kelechi Iheanacho - Leicester to Exeter ($20.5m)
• Caju - SAN to Oxford ($20.5m)
• Jonjo Shelvey - Newcastle to Leeds ($20.5m)
• Jordan Pickford - Chelsea to Wycombe ($19m)
• Calum Chambers - Arsenal to Luton ($18.75m)
• Michael Keane - Everton to Luton ($18.5m)
• Manolo Gabbiadini - Southampton to Derby ($18m)
• Facundo Ferreya - Shakhtar to Notts County ($17.5m)
• Ben Davies - Tottenham to Derby ($17.5m)
• Wesley Hoedt - Southampton to Carlisle ($16m)
• James Ward-Prowse - Southampton to Oxford ($16m)
• Thomas Butink - Vitesse to Leeds ($15.75m)
• Elias Cobbaut - Mechelen to Exeter ($15.75m)
• Solly March - Mansfield to Luton ($12m + a $2.7m rated player)
• Ramiro Funes Mori - Lincoln to Yeovil ($14.5m)
• Marcin Buka - Yeovil to Crewe ($14.5m)
• Demarai Gray - Leicester to Leeds ($14.25m)
• Tom Davies - Everton to Luton ($13.25m)
• Davy Propper - Brighton to MK ($13m)
• James Tarkowski - Burnley to Derby ($12.75m)
• Kevin Ruegg - Zurich to Carlisle ($12.75m)
• Silvan Hefti - St Gallen to Chesterfield ($12.25m)
• William - Wolfsburg to Chesterfield ($12.25m)
• Jurgen Locadia - Rotherham to Chesterfield ($12m)
• Nahitan Nandez - Boca to Luton ($12m)
• Will Hughes - Watford to Wycome ($11.75m)
• Felix Wieldwald - Leeds to Notts County ($11.75m)
• Charlie Taylor - Luton to Chesterfield ($11.5m)
• Callum McGregor - Celtic to Coventry ($11.5m)
• Federico Dimarco - Sion to MK ($11.25m)
• Adalberto Penaranda - Watford to Yeovil ($11.25m)
• Jota - Birmingham to Exeter ($10.75m)
• Matt O'Riley - Fulham to Swindon ($10.5m)
• Jonas Svensson - AZ to MK ($10.5m)
• Federico Roldan - Banfield to Carlisle ($10.5m)
• Tamas Szanto - Rapid Wien to Oxford ($10.5m)
• Henry Onyekuru - Everton to Chesterfield ($10m)

+ Harry Winks out from Coventry to new Championship side Manchester City for $31m, Anthony Knockaert from Luton to Atletico for $39.5m, and Naby Keita from Liverpool to Real Madrid for $140m.

In the January window, as the big money regens start to appear:

• Ricard Pereira - Porto to Manchester United ($79m)
• Erik Tol - AZ to Arsenal ($43.5.m)
• Djibril Sidibe - Manchester United to Tottenham ($43.5m)
• Marco van Ginkel - Chelsea to Wycombe ($29.5m)
• Jordon Ibe - Bournemouth to Yeovil ($24.5m)
• Juan Andres Diaz - Las Palmas to Chesterfield ($23.5m)
• Kevin Wimmer - Stoke to Colchester ($21m)
• Nathan Ake - Bournemouth to Colchester ($21m)
• Diego Laxalt - Genoa to Rotherham ($20.5m)
• Mason Holgate - Everton to Coventry ($19.5m)
• Nicolas Aguirre - Chongquing to Carlisle ($19.25m)
• Lewis Khoury - Blackburn to Stevenage ($18.75m)
• Sebastian Perez - Chelsea to Rotherham ($18.75m)
• Johan Berg Gudmundsson - Chelsea to Rotherham ($15.75m)
• Rafa Soares - Rubin to Luton ($14m)
• Lazar Markovic - Malaga to Carlisle ($13m)
• Nathaniel Chalobah - Watford to MK ($12.75m)
• Jose Luiz Gomez - Lanus to Oxford ($12m)
• Ahmad Benali - Pescara to Yeovil ($12m)
• Kevin Danso - Augsburg to Notts County ($11m)
• Ji Dong-Wong - Augsburg to Carlisle ($11m)
• Jon Flanagan - MK to Coventry ($10.5m)

Premier League

Even with the other clubs spending like madman, the question was around which of the top sides would break away and win the title. Manchester United were my favourites, given that their league campaign was interrupted by having to play midweek European matches all last season. With a clear run I expected them to finish ahead of Arsenal and Liverpool.

When Arsenal went down to Coventry and United was held to a draw at Notts County on the opening day I thought big things were on the agenda but it was a false dawn. The other sides were competitive and took the odd point off them, but on the whole the big hitters were too big. The biggest of all was United, continuing their reign as the most successful side of this simulation, winning about their 25th piece of silverware under Mourinho (remember him?).

Poor old Chesterfield were the surprise packet of the relegation stakes, going from 4th in the inaugural season to the Championship in the fifth despite spending enough on players to buy Greenland.

Championship

The obvious sides finished top of the division. Cambridge and Oldham became the first teams to recover from relegation and stay in contention rather than plummeting to their death.

League One


Early in the season the big story was Chelsea, who reached the point where they'd lost their biggest stars and had nobody to replace them. They were comfortably mid-table and had to rely on a late season surge to make the playoffs, which they won. This demonstrates the importance of getting out of L2 as soon as possible in this model, Manchester City were a year ahead and are finally thriving while Chelsea were nearly shotski. Otherwise, the undoubted highlight of the season came in January when 16th placed Sheffield Wednesday signed Diego Maradona as manager.

Crawley and Accrington became the latest clubs to complete the full slide from EPL to League Two.

League Two


Crystal Palace became the first side to achieve financial disarray, starting the season 12 points in deficit after going into administration. Like Newcastle, Brighton and the other sides who have never been able to break out of the bottom division they're slowly losing all their quality players and it's impossible to see them making the Premier League again now. In a couple of years they might be stuck in League Two - or worse - for good. Huddersfield are the only other club in a poor financial position to start the season. Palace recovered to make the playoffs but fell short in the final. We wish them the best with staying afloat in the future.

York and Macclesfield went straight back down again, but the gap between the bottom two and mid-table closed noticeably compared to other seasons. Leyton Orient return to the Football League, along with playoff winners Bromley.

FA Cup
Liverpool 1 d. Manchester United 0

League Cup
Manchester United 1 d. Liverpool 1 (AET on penalties) to win their fifth straight League Cup.

League Trophy
Leicester 1 d. Everton 1 (AET on penalties)

Europe
Years of disastrous Champions League performances cost the Premier League, as they dropped two spots in the coefficients, lost a direct qualification, and saw the third place team have to qualify. It coincided with the best season for English clubs in Europe since the big switch. All the Champions League sides won at least one game and both Manchester United and Derby made the second stage. Oxford got through to the quarter final of the Europa League.

International scene
The English team is a jumble of players from around the divisions now. The common thread is that they all played for a big club at the start. England finally won an international trophy, and on penalties no less, beating France in the Nations League final.

2021/2022

Top transfer deals:

• Moise Kean - Juventus to Manchester United ($175m - new record)
• Casemiro - Real Madrid to Manchester City ($82m)
• Julian Brandt - Bayern to Liverpool ($78m)
• Franck Kessie - Milan to Manchester United ($71m)
• Jonny - Celta to Liverpool ($44.5m)
• Jean Marcos - Corinthians to Manchester City ($43.5m)
• Alex Pinto - Benfica to Arsenal ($40m)
• Achraf - Monaco to Manchester City ($36m)
• Youn Czekanowicz - Gent to Notts County ($31.5m)
• Moussa Dembele - Celtic to Manchester City ($29.5m)
• Mayke - CEC to Tottenham ($25m)
• Dominic Calvert-Lewin - Chesterfield to Colchester ($23.5m)
• Lewis Cook - Chesterfield to MK ($23.5m)
• Maxime Reynold - Young Boys to Tottenham ($23.5m)
• Kristoffer Ajer - Celtic to MK ($23m)
• Fred - Shakhtar to MK ($22.5m)
• Tommy Smith - Celtic to Leeds ($22m)
• Ben Chilwell - Wycombe to Leeds ($21.5m)
• Jamaal Lascelles - Yeovil to Oxford ($21.5m)
• Lee Granger - Stevenage to Coventry ($20.5m)
• Harry Wilson - Liverpool to Manchester City ($20.5m)
• Reece Oxford - Crewe to Leeds ($19.5m)
• Alison - SAN to Liverpool ($18.75m)
• Jack Butland - Yeovil to Manchester City ($18.5m)
• Robbie Brady - Notts County to Rotherham ($17.75m)
• Junior Tavares - SPO to Tottenham ($16.75m)
• Robert - VIT to Liverpool ($16.5m)
• Izzy Brown - Coventry to Yeovil ($15.5m)
• Elias Kachunga - Notts Coutny to Oxford ($14.75m)
• Matias Zaracho - Racing Club to Arsenal ($14.5m)
• Leigh Griffiths - Celtic to Oxford ($14.25m)
• Emanuel Britez - Shandong to Rotherham ($14m)
• Alfie Mawson - Stevenage to Rotherham ($13.5m)
• Takahiro Sekine - Ingolstadt to Oxford ($13.25m)
• Manuel Lanzini - West Ham to Exeter ($12.5m)
• Martin Jones - Crewe to Mansfield ($12.25m)
• Jonathan Leko - Chelsea to Mansfield ($12.25m)
• Marcelo Torres - Boca to Luton ($12m)
• Onana - Ajax to Oxford ($12m)
• Daniel Amarty - Carlisle to Colchester ($11.5m)
• Nicolas Tripichio - Velez to Rotherham ($11.5m)
• Christian Atsu - Crewe to Wycombe ($11.25m)
• Theo Hernandez - Real Madrid to Manchester City ($11m)
• Ben Hazan - Maccabi Tel Aviv to Leeds ($10.75m)
• Jon Flanagan - Coventry to Oxford ($10.5m)
• Wu Zhou - Shandog to Derby ($10.25m)
• Maxime Colin - Yeovil to Chelsea ($10.25m)
• Florinel Coman - Rostov to Rotherham ($10m)

... and leaving the Premier League, Gabriel Jesus from Manchester City to Barcelona for $154m, Edersen from Manchester City to Real Madrid for $83m, Dean Henderson from Oxford to Chelsea for $22m and Michy Batshuayi from Tottenham to Juventus for $20m.

Major January transfers:

• Sebastian Driussi - Zenit to Manchester City ($33.5m)
• Jose Luis Artola - Athletic to Liverpool ($31.5m)
• Gilles Krebs - Basel to Tottenham ($26m)
• Hector - Guangzhou to Manchester City ($22.5m)
• Sead Haksabanovic - West Ham to Bournemouth ($15m)
• Silvan Hefti - Chesterfield to Coventry ($12.75m)
• Rafina - Barcelona to Tottenham, ($11.75m)
• Felipe Gedoz - Guangzhou to Carlisle ($10m)

[... and then I gave up. Still a good idea though, why not try it yourself?]

TSP's Video Classix: Redux

In the days before YouTube made everything available on any device you liked anywhere on the face of the planet we went out of our way to download and highlight the world's most bonkers music videos. Years of lost posts mean that only Snooker Loopy, Tusk, Life at the Outpost, Safety Dance and Pour Some Sugar On Me survive.

My collection of screenshots for posts that no longer exist suggest that there was also coverage of 911 Is A Joke, A View To A Kill, Body Movin', Boys Light Up, Breaking The Law, Doin' The Do, Fairytale of New York, Goonies 'R Good Enough, Greg! The Stop Sign, Hit The North, Hot For Teacher, I Know What Boys Like, I Like To Watch, Just, Kick It, Let's Dance, Long Hot Summer, Love is a Battlefield, Make a Move On Me, Owner of a Lonely Heart, Pleasure and Pain, Private Eyes, Rise, Sabotage, Save Your Love, Sex Over The Phone, Sexx Laws, Someday, The Look of Love, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Touch It, Turbo Diesel and You're The Voice plus multi video retrospectives covering Falco and Madonna. What a rich tapestry. And more importantly what an indication of how much time I had on my hands 15 years ago.

Anyway, after 10 years on the sidelines I've been inspired to revive this segment after discovering a video so bonkers it's a wonder it took me until 2019 to see it.

Like most people of my vintage the only thing I knew about Ozzy Osbourne beyond his appearances as a shambling reality TV figure was that he once took a piss on the Alamo and chomped the head off a bat while on stage. Then about two months ago a chance encounter with a classic hard rock show on digital radio made me realise that his off chops 80s output speaks to me in a way I'd never expected. And so, here we are with 1986's The Ultimate Sin, a music video with more giffable reaction shots than anything I've ever seen in my life.

In a none-more-80s scenario the video is a parody of Dallas. The Young Ones did likewise two years previous, but even they didn't spin off into the same strange and mystical areas as Ozzy.

And here's your CEO, looking for all money like a 45 year old divorced housewife at a country and western bar.



Sadly he receives unfortunate news over the phone. I think from the remainder of the video that they're telling him his missus has carked it but who would actually know. Chemicals may have been involved.



Here he is looking even more like your Year 8 geography teacher Mrs. Rottencrotch.



For the rest of the video it appears that watching footage of his own performances is the only thing that brings poor old Ozzy any joy.



Christ only knows what's going on here but it's not the last we'll see of her.




Back at the office, where Ozzy is channelling the level of interest and personal fulfilment we all get from our work.



Actually I'm not sure he even knew there was a video being filmed.



Oh, here she is again. Appearing as a stern, ghostly apparition at the end of a boardroom table filled by people found in a casting call for 'corporate yes men'.



This makes Ozzy incredible happy. Which is why the rest of the video makes no earthly sense.



Kids, when your school careers counsellor asks where you want to work I expect you will answer OZZY OIL.



So he legs it out of the office, dives into a limo and drives off like he's trying to avoid Casper the Attractively Stern Ghost.



And settles in for another viewing of his own live performance with the face of a man who's just realised the wife has gone out and he can have a Cape Schank...



... possibly while thinking about this face.



Then, in the most rushed ending (but, it must be said, far more satisfying) cinematic ending since No Country For Old Men we skip to Ozzy poolside, where his further enjoyment of himself live is ruined by old mate turning up in the crowd. This time she hasn't got red devil eyes. Is there a director's cut we can consult to understand why?

This displeases the man so greatly that he takes the portable TV and like any good rock star lobs it into the pool.



The spook in red appears in the flesh at last, provoking Ozzy to stalk her like he's just snorted a line of ants...



... and lob her into a pool. Does water kill a ghost? Wouldn't she just pass through the water and come back to haunt him later?



And after a salute that even the ponciest military wanker would have to admire...



... a horse has a nice lie down (or dies, we can't be entirely sure) and that's the end of play. What's all that about? Christ only knows.