Grand Final Day Review

Pre Match 

The entertainment - If Powderfinger isn't the dullest band ever to be declared 'popular' then I'm not here. Even Coldplay and Radiohead look charismatic in comparison. The entire concept was far from the worst ever (Kath and fucking Kim in a hovercraft anyone?) but it was nothing special. What the buggery was up with people swinging around with giant poles up their clacker? Looked more like an artistic BDSM installation than a grand final. 

The crowd 

Looks like a few legitimate fans managed to sneak their way in amongst the glory hunters and corporate swine. I'm sure the AFL are working on ways to try and stamp out this offensive practice in time for next year. 

Game 

I had Tom Lonergan for first goalkicker on the basis that having his kidney destroyed by Brad Miller practically made him a Melbourne player. And in the absence of any actual ex-Melbourne players giving it the Steve Armstrong "You sacked me and I've won more flags than you have in 40 years so fuck you" routine that was close enough for me. Good enough for first goalkicker anyway. 

I was sort of going for Hawthorn due to the fact that Clarkson played two pretty much forgettable seasons for us at the arse end of his career and Todd Viney is one of their assistant coaches. So I got the cash for Lonergan AND the Hawks by 25-42. Which was nice. Would have got the quarter quad if it had been two points closer. Which would have been nicer. 

Oh, the actual game? Who cares - somebody won, somebody lost. We'd all laugh at Geelong if Melbourne had been capable of winning anything ever, but as it stands they're still a shitload better than us so good luck to them. 

Surely my theory that a Premiership buys a decade of stress relief must count for something. I can't see myself being THAT shattered if I was a Geelong fan - sure you lost after one of the best seasons ever but last year's win MUST be consolation enough. Throw a bread roll at Luke Hodge when you see him if you want, but at least acknowledge the fact that you're doing a lot better than anyone who follows Footscray, Melbourne, St. Kilda, Richmond or Freo. Actually Freo fans deserve whatever they get. 

Coverage

Who gives a rats about analysis? We were too busy watching the Top 40 allegedly "Banned Videos" on VH1 in the breaks. In what jurisdiction was Baby Got Back banned? A country that didn't like big butts? I recall turning the volume up to maximum when Killing In The Name Of came on and yelling "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!" a few times. Would make a great theme song - take notes GC17 and the West Sydney Farce. 

Emo 

If I hadn't rebelled against the suburb of my birth at seven years of age and decided that I would go for whoever played Hawthorn in the '88 Grand Final then I'd be face down a pool of my own emissions in celebration at Glenferrie Oval right now rather than trying to find some joy in the performance of Stef Martin in the Grand Final sprint.

Inner City Pressure

Various things found next to my car in the last few days...  

Leaving the entire roll of tinfoil behind was a masterstroke. I could almost tear the rest off and use it in my oven. This happened between 9am and 5pm today, aided by my nutbag neighbour providing a handy screen with his abandoned van. Alternatively, people could stick to the time honoured method of skagging up under railway bridges (look, there's one just up the street) instead. 

I'm just to give my car an HIV test when the one in the tree is shaken free by wind and implants itself in my tire. Now, here's the thing. This is the third time that I've found this sort of gear in that spot - what do when I eventually bust them in the act? A friendly "Do you mind"? Go inside like nothing's happened, call plod and wait for them to come back and take a dump on my windshield as vengeance? Sit down and have a crack at playing Kurt Cobain myself? Who knows.

(Update from the future - I eventually did catch them in the act. After asking them to take their shit with them in the future there were no further dramas. Everything was very polite).

Something new every day..

I've never seen any mention of Plastic Bertrand's gibberish 'classic' Ca Plane Pour Moi being lifted almost entirely from another song, but through the magic of Wikipedia here you go...

   

No wonder they don't tell you what it's based on given the high 'blue' content of the original. Imagine if they'd played this in National Lampoon's European Vacation when they're pissfarting around in the Louvre? People would have been falling out of their cinema chairs everywhere. What's better? Indecipherable French wailing or HJ's a-go-go? We report, you decide.

Random Brownlow Thoughts

* What good is Kate Ceberano without Russell Robertson? Nil I say. Did we really need her singing "Let Me Entertain You"? The response from the assembled crowd of pissed footballers and blondes when she tried to get them to clap along said it all really. 

* Surely somebody could have stopped Demetriou straight away when he somehow started reading the Round 2 votes instead of Round 1. Perhaps if they didn't try and belt through the first half of the season in 25 seconds in order to cram a few more ads in they wouldn't cock it up? No damage done - except to the reputation of anyone who thinks the AFL have half an idea what they're doing. 

* But if we're going to have 3hrs of speed reading and gurning footy players on prime time network television is there ANY DANGER of putting the National Draft on too? Surely even if Channel 10 don't want to bump a highly rating Elvis movie at midday on a Sunday then Fox Sports could take a camera in and film it. For gods sake I'll do it with a handycam.
* About round 6 every year is where I start to realise I'm not as into this as I thought before the evening started. Cue eight rounds of moderate despair before getting interested again. Doesn't help when your team is an unreconstructed slopfest who rarely, if ever, made the round-by-round highlights packages. 

* Speaking of - is there any chance they might try and find a highlight or an interesting tidbit from all eight games across the week? Cut out a bit of Kate and a few ads and give us some decent packages. At least this year it meant we didn't have to see Melbourne lose every week - or at all for the first two months of the season. 

* Non-footy people may not understand why it's so important to watch people read the names of drafted players out rather than listen to it on the radio. But it is - get used to it. Just be thankful it's not like the NFL with a two day draft. 

* Was I the only one to almost fall off the couch in celebration when Jamie Shanahan was mysteriously wheeled out for Robert Harvey's tribute? When Harvs said how he shared a beer with those on stage when they got knocked out of the '98 finals he probably wasn't referring to the bloke who was lined up for the team that put them out. As the one and only person to ever wear a Shanahan #1 MFC jumper I'll take any excuse to see him in action, even if it is standing around looking a bit confused. 

 * The Channel 10 late news was being advertised as coming on at 11.21pm. What a random time. 

 * At least we didn't have to sit through some sort of ridiculous "family man" bollocks where they let kids be cute like James Hird and family last year. Funniest Home Videos is on Sunday night, that's where you do the "aww" and "ahh" work. Brownlow Night is for giant excel spreadsheets. 

 * Speaking of stats, interesting that Ten used every opportunity they had to show the top 10 on the leaderboard but never once did a team-by-team leaders count throughout the night. Nor did they persist with roping in the likes of Robert Walls for 'expert' comments. In fact at the very same time the count was on Robby W was appearing on what must surely have been the lowest rating episode of Fox Sports' "On The Couch" ever. 

* How the buggery did Jeff White a vote against Freo, Yze against Collingwood and Wheatley against West Coast? Nothing at all to do with being bitter about Brad Green not winning our count. Not at all. P.S - For god's sake can Brock McLean please play 22 rounds next season? He'll win the bloody thing if we can avoid losing every game by 200 points.

* Didn't expect much from Cooney's speech, but he was quite entertaining. Half cut perhaps? If not he will be soon. 

* Roll on trade week, the draft(s) and next freaking season already. Cricket is clearly a fictional sport. 

* Grand Final? I'll be offbeat and say Hawthorn by 5 goals. However I'm sure we're all hoping for the same thing to happen. Geelong by 2pts, Franklin marks 30m out directly in front and the siren goes. How's THAT going to be for tension - the golden boy either delivers or costs them a flag. Wild.

Time Life's Classic Soundtrack Collection

This one's for anybody who's no longer thrilled by the soft rock (that's ROCK) collection. That's advertised by Air Supply - what else do you need? Country Classics presented by Kenny Rogers? DONE! 

Anyway, soundtracks these days are a bit of farce. Anywhere you see the words "music inspired by" you may as well just pour the CDs into that dodgy Cranbourne landfill and begone with them. Today, for want of anything better to do, we present TSP's all time top three favourite soundtrack albums. Your opinion may vary - I'm sure that's nice for you. 

Reservoir Dogs

The best $5 I ever spent at one of those 'Everything must go' sales. Almost completely devoid of hits, and about as short as you can get away with and still expect people to pay, but dripping with quality from top to bottom. The highlight is Little Green Bag, which was always one of my favourite songs in a childhood inexplicably spent listening to Gold 104 when they were so hardcore about the 'oldies' that they didn't even play songs from the 80's. 

1. And Now Little Green Bag... - Dialogue by Steven Wright 

2. Little Green Bag - George Baker 

3. Rock Flock Of Five - Dialogue by Steven Wright 

4. Hooked On A Feeling - Blue Suede 

5. Bohemiath - Dialogue by Steven Wright
6. I Gotcha - Joe Tex
7. Magic Carpet Ride - Bedlam
8. Madonna Speech - Dialogue by Quentin Tarantino
9. Fool For Love - Sandy Rogers
10. Super Sounds - Dialogue by Steven Wright
11. Stuck In The Middle With You - Stealers Wheel
12. Harvest Moon - Bedlam
13. Let's Get A Taco - Dialogue by Harvey Keitel 

14. Keep On Truckin' - Dialogue by Steven Wright
15. Coconut - Harry Nilsson
16. Home Of Rock - Dialogue by Steven Wright 

Everyone knows Stealers Wheel, but the two Bedlam tracks are hidden highlights. Their cover of Magic Carpet Ride is flawless (I prefer it to the original) and as the title would suggest Harvest Moon is the Neil Young song that Neil Young never bothered to write himself. Throw in the Joe Tex track (later covered in ordinary fashion by Jimmy Barnes) and Coconut - one of the best closing credit music moments in cinema history and you're getting more than your $5 worth.

Party Monster

Sleazy 80's/90's disco/house out the wazoo from a film featuring the shock return of Macauley Culkin. Good film, but the soundtrack is where all the action is. 

1. Take Me to the Club - Mannequin
2. Seventeen - Ladytron
3. Frank Sinatra - Miss Kittin & The Hacker 

4. Money, Success, Fame, Glamour - Felix Da Housecat Vs. Pop Tarts/Macauley Culkin/Seth Green/Chloe ... 

5. You're My Disco - Waldorf 

6. Two of Hearts - Stacey Q 

7. Overdose - Tomcraft 

8. Get Happy - Happy Thought Hall 

9. Le Rock 01 - Vitalic 

10. Go - Tones On Tail 

11. New York New York - Nina Hagen 

12. It Can't Come Quickly Enough - Scissor Sisters 

13. Inside Out - W.I.T. 

14. Kiss Me - Stephen "Tin Tin" Duffy 

15. Give Me Tonight - Shannon 

16. How to Be a Millionaire - ABC

17. Crash - Keoki 

18. The La La Song - Marilyn Manson as Christina 

19. Good Is Bad - Headrillaz/Ricky Barrow 

Highlights - Frank Sinatra (electoclash sleaze), You're My Disco and Nina Hagen's New York, New York which has absolutely nothing to do with the version made famous by Frankie. 

Velvet Goldmine 
One of my favourite films of all time - and that's got absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you can see Toni Collette's muff. 

1. Needle In The Camel's Eye - Brian Eno
2. Hot One - Shudder To Think 

3. 20th Century Boy - Placebo 

4. 2HB - The Venus In Furs 

5. T.V. Eye - Wylde Rattz 

6. Ballad of Maxwell Demon - Shudder To Think 

7. The Whole Shebang - Grant Lee Buffalo 

8. Ladytron - The Venus In Furs 

9. We Are The Boys - Pulp 

10. Virginia Plain - Roxy Music 

11. Personality Crisis - Teenage Fanclub & Donna Matthews 

12. Satelite Of Love - Lou Reed 

13. Diamond Meadows - T. Rex 

14. Bitter's End - Paul Kimble & Andy Mackay

15. Baby's On Fire - The Venus In Furs 

16. Bitter-Sweet - The Venus In Furs 

17. Velvet Spacetime - Carter Burwell 

18. Tumbling Down - The Venus In Furs 

19. Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) - Steve Harley 

Quality 70s tracks all over, top shelf covers by The Venus In Furs (featuring Radiohead's Thom Yorke in shock 'useful' mode) and the last known sighting of Elastic's Donna Matthews (who as we've previously discussed I had some sort of sick crush on when I was 15). The two major highlights, though, are the Shudder To Think tracks. The versions in the movie are a million times removed from the ones on the album, and Hot One in particular is still one of my favourite songs ever.

Commentary Spectacular

If you're anything like me, whenever you see a headline on a newspaper website that looks even mildly controversial you dive straight in. The article is usually tremendously boring or something you already know, but the fun is comments from nutbags. 

Take this story for instance. People like being gone down on. SHOCK HORROR - Alert the mobile news crews and get ready for around the clock CNN coverage. 

Here's two of the best from Shocked and Appalled of Fremantle (Click for full size..); 

   

Who exactly is going to be manufacturing these jars of death? Heinz? And seriously - sharp teeth? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU PEOPLE ON?

Monday Video Classix

How long has it been? Too long! Tonight it's the song that launched a million pole dances - so I've heard. Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me"


Welcome to the House of Leppard. Many ladies have opened this door, seen this man and gone missing immediately afterwards.


Usually when they came inside and met this guy...


Not to mention the winner of the 1987 Jon Bon Jovi fanclub lookalike competition on the left...


... and a one armed drummer. He may very well be the most normal person in the band.


Of course being the 80's and being a rock band the Def - as their friends know them - were presumably massive root rats. However it's fair to say that this lass hadn't been part of their hard rock rampage around the globe.


Nor any of the females not aged 15-50 in this group. Although apparently granny went alright in her day.


There's something significant in this still. You might not be able to see it, so we'll highlight it later.


Meanwhile, while you try and work out what's going on there the young lady who has been slighted by the Def has decided to knock the house down. Makes sense I suppose.


OH MY GOD. That can't be real. We wasted an entire afternoon at work once trying to decide whether this was a packet of cigarettes or not.


I'm going to have to say no.


Behold, the second most prominent ball in this clip.


After that a mere house wrecking doesn't seem appropriate, but they keep it coming nonetheless.


Until eventually Swollen Manor is blown to pieces in a fiery explosion reminiscent of the last episode of E-Street. However, like cockroaches after a nuclear explosion they survived to release about 10,000 more albums and tour this October. Here's a hint, if you're going to the show may as well leave the binoculars at home.