Friday, 6 February 2015

10 ways Julie Bishop can turn on Tony Abbott

Practically anything can be explained by reference to a professional wrestling storyline produced some time between 1980 and the current day. The only thing more obviously scripted than 'sports entertainment' is politics and that's why as part of the further Buzzfeedification of this site and my attempt to be hired as a correspondent here are 10 ways that Julie can do what's best for business and bring the house down by putting poor old Tone out of his misery with a well-timed shovel to the bonce* **

1. Walk off and leave him to be destroyed by others
As seen when: Rick Martel wandered off on Tito Santana at Wrestlemania V

2. Lure us into thinking you've come to save the day then leg drop him and take over
As seen when: Hulk Hogan joined the New World Order in 1996

3. Team up with Tony to face Turnbull and a mystery partner for the leadership, then reveal that you are the mystery partner
As seen when: Cody Rhodes revealed he was Ted DiBiase Jr's mystery partner and won the tag titles off himself

4. Make a deal with the devil himself
As seen when: Stone Cold Steve Austin teamed up with Vince McMahon at the end of Wrestlemania X7

5. Feign a reunification then finish him off with an unnecessary brutal flourish
As seen when: Shawn Michaels lobbed Marty Jannetty through Brutus the Barber Beefcake's window

6. Use somebody he trusts implicity to set him up
As seen when: Paul Bearer donked Undertaker on the bonce with the urn and joined Mankind at Summerslam '96

7. Sell out and use rich corporate interests to take over (NB: May have already happened)
As seen when: The Rock became the Corporate Champion

8. Show up as a pundit, ask him nicely to step aside then beat the piss out of him when he refuses
As seen when: Terry Funk beat the living bejesus out of Ric Flair in 1989

9. Let Tone wear himself out in a gruelling battle against somebody else, then turn up just as he wins and steal the prize
As seen when: Edge cashed in his Money In The Bank contract

10. Don't even wait for the result to be decided, just declare a winner.
As when: Vince McMahon/Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart at Survivor Series 1997

And one way she can do the exact opposite:

1. Tease a battle, then lose deliberately, admit it was all a scam and reunite the team
As seen when: Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash and Scott Hall did the 'fingerpoke of doom'

* Feel free to bring the post back when Tony rebounds to win nine elections in a row
** I'd rather Turnbull but the last time he had to lead some of the muppets in that partyroom was a shambles so I'd rather not be emotionally invested THANKS.

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