Plenty more where this came from. In years to come Twitpic may show up some farcical moments, but there's no way they'll keep their archives this long. The following photos from Christmas Day 2004 onwards, possibly creeping into 2006. We were young, we were stupid, and we had to carry actual cameras because phone technology was so shithouse. Onwards and upwards;
On-board shenanigans during a break in my 24-hour on-off community radio massacre with @somtum. We didn't know if other shows were going to turn up or not. When they did we pissfarted around on public transport, climbed statues and played cricket with some Indians. I was bowled by a fullish delivery that I tried to smash onto La Trobe Street.
My bookshelf in St Kilda. There's got to be something embarassing in there that I didn't consider. And look at the wild VHS collection. I think I numbered it for a blow-by-blow blog deconstruction on my life that has since been lost.
I won this tennis racket off SEN for winning a "what country is this arena in?" quiz. Came in at question 1 and ran the next ten non-stop. Didn't want it so decided to sell it on Ebay with a gimmick photo. Got me $160 you know.
Tsunami relief 20/20 cricket match between Melbourne and Collingwood. Why? I had a bonanza of a hangover I can remember that.
My ludicrous setup in St Kilda. Pure filth. That's what happens when somebody first moves out of home. Note the wildcard inclusion of Mario doing the Goatse man on the computer screen. You know that place was as big as my loungeroom but had 13 powerpoints. THIRTEEN. Why? I have no idea but you should have seen my power bill.
And here's what I did with all those powerpoints. This sat right next to my bed for 18 months and did untold damage to my brain.
The St Kilda wall. Magnificent collection of posters (all now lost sadly), but an absolutely disgraceful uneven placement. Young AND stupid.
Sadly lost graffiti at the corner of Gertrude and Nicholson Street, Fitzroy. Sound advice.
Ahh me and my first car. Poor old cubed Pierre. And yes, I already had an obsession with wearing masks but had not yet discovered the Mexican wrestling variety.
A really old one here. Scanned from a page in my year 7 school journal in response to homeroom arseclown Old Man Hale declaring himself "your bored teacher" after I wrote a scathing review of our bullshit school camp.
He's totally fucking that kid in the ear, but do you ever hear about that when they're discussing how bad a president he was?
The mini golf course at Wobbies World, taken when Somtum, Jelly and I jumped the fence to see what was left of the place fifteen years after it closed. The answer was everything. On the way out some ginger challenged us and refused to respond when I asked if he was Wobbie Jr. A few weeks later they bulldozed nearly everything. QUALITY TIMING.
You can tell how old this piece of blasphemy was not just from the fact that the Pope has died in the meantime, but because of that FUCKING ANCIENT IPOD! Another reason why I was loyal to the Creative Zen in that era.
Did I mention that I was obsessed with doing faux sinister posers?
In the good old days when people cared South Melbourne fans used to run to the fence in celebration when the side scored a goal. In a fit of contrary behaviour I decided to go the other way when they scored a winner from a spanking late free kick against St Albans.
Part two following... at some point in the next five years.
Well, I wasn't going to it this year. How many times can you sit down and waste two or three hours furiously retyping the bizarre bleetings of hornbags, depressed bastards and long distance stalkers?
BUT, in a great 21st century "how good is the internet?" moment the Herald Sun have decided to waste precious bandwidth by putting all the messages online. You'll also note they kept the same trannie mascot as last year. You'll also note that the quality of spelling in this country has become worse than me on Twitter. So, two days late but here we go nonetheless.
To give you something to listen to you have the choice of the three of the most romantic songs ever;
Mystifying Messages A CRYPTIC NOTE Chickie Faye will and you Libby be were my 100km girlfriend? apart so Faye much was fun travelling kiss 100kmh kiss and frigme Libby 1 year! 25 kmh Bellagio if Bronx Faye steps stops ponytail halfway pretty. _ UTS xx.
AF Howappy Balentine! I lub u wun hundered million. U are my beth fwen. Meith....Lub Alwayth and Foweba Cowatt, Sito ana Hebi. I tiyad. Hickle et. No not. [I'm not convinced that hasn't been run through faulty text recognition software - 1.0]
BRETT MOLONEY My Gift from.. "LORD KING JESUS CHRIST" I Love You ETERNALLY My Mighty Man Of GOD. Your Wife For Life ANNA xxx
BUBBA Careful! Water dwagons play on dis woad! I luv ya even though we grump sometimes! Luv ur Bunnynose with a Dino Bump!
BUBI Happy Valentine's Day. Can't wait to the day it's just me and you on the dance floor.Love u forever and always your one and only bubz. MUSKELTEARS FOREVER XOXO
CAMERON You are number 1. (heart) Cameron
DEANYYY My turtle, my poodle, my chicken, dear boo boo .. I loves yous gutses to the moon and back .. MORE than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow .. You know you are my favourite person in the whole wide world .. Forever and ever, more than ever, I'm yours. Love, ME
DEAR LOZZA AND LEE LEE I love you girls, I hope you love me me. Let's go out for dinner soon, just us 3. Maybe we can hang out& watch tv? Dahloo
GEORGE H INDOCID - UR A PSYCHO baby! Surprise visitors for ya soon MF Cya GDH Love ya Sweetie x
GRETCHEN Only 7 weeks to go babycakes to the wedding of the year! can't wait to make you my wife but today relax and enjoy the island with your manfriend, love davo
HAN HAN I am as smitten today as I was the day I saw you standing outside the MCG in your Saints jumper and your blonde hair wavy from the rain. You make me feel lucky every day. I love you...in a forever kind of way. alicake
HAYAT I love you for the qualities that make you so unique. - Murat.
HAYDEN H is for Holmesglen Horse, A is for Albury, Y is for Yoghurt, D is for Diabetes, E is for Earlobes & N is for Nippy's. Happy Valentine's Day! Love U! Love Gav & Locky
JET BOY U R STRONG, LOYAL, HAIRY, WELL MAINTAINED.................. BEST DOG EVER!! - BEAMA
KATIE BEAR You are the pop in my corn, the bristle in my brush, the step in my ladder, the suds in my soap, you are the raisin in my bun and the pooh on my shoe. Will you be the Tex to my Johnny?
KING My BFF I miss that first week we got together. All the sms's, flirting, the songs that meant so much to us (Lionel Ritchie) and the unit that holds all our memories (the skirt!!). We felt so safe back then. I hope that one day in a few years we can wake up together in the morning. Love always Queen.
KM Love is like a lump of gold; hard to get and hard to hold. Of all the girls I've ever met, you're the one I can't forget. I do believe that God above, created you for me to love. He chose you from all the rest, because He knew I would love you the best
LEE You smell like jam donuts and make me ROFL my face off! You're so adorable, I'm gonna wrestle and smoosh you :P
LEESA It's taken 21 years for me to get it right, I hope you appreciate this when I see you tonight. 4 kids and lots of stress, our love always passes the test. I love everything about you, even your snoring, life with you is never boring.
LUKE Baby, u mean to me what that carpark means to that volkswagon! Happy 1st Valentine's day spunk, the Cranklepot and I love u very much! hehe Love L
MASTER SINGH Hey ya big poof. You've brightened up my life and you bring a smile to my face whenever I think of you. Happy Valentine's. - Donna Singh
MEGAN Dear Megan, You continue to excite, interest and pleasure me after all these years. Lots of love PW
MIKEY MOOSK Marrying my soulmate was the best thing I've ever done. I love adventuring through life with my baby bear. I ruv you, honey bunny. Lets add to our pack!
MUTTSTER - Mutt mutt you're so fine, mutt mutt you blow my mind, go muttster (clap clap, clap) go muttster (clap clap, clap)............ Love - Mutt
NANOOK You are a goomba and a nuoko
PETER COOMBE I love you so much. I know you can get back to training soon and finish Ironman South Africa with me. All my love Joey xxx
PETER WILLIAMS Happy Valentine's Day to you and your family Love - Eileen Kimpton, Riverlea Hostel.
PIDDLYDAK To my V, N and overseas H May piddlyDAK live long and prosper. Lkve _ your J. xoxo P.S. Wanna get some H.J's?
PIERRE IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN U, MIA & UR TIGER BLANKET I'D STILL CHOOSE U, BUT ONLY JUST. HAPPY DAY THAT WE DON'T CELEBRATE! ALL MY LOVE RULZ XX
SHANNON RYAN Your happiness means the world to me. If that means I have to eat salad, I will eat salad. Your Buby. [DON'T EAT THE FUCKING SALAD YOU SELLOUT - 1.0]
SMID The man who believes he has 22 Wives! 20 of them are Bi's 22-20 = #2 Ezzalenko.
TO MY PREMIUM BOAG MAN When I first met you, we shook hands, instantly I thought, where have you been all my life? Then some months later, you said those exact words to me. I feel blessed to have had a special night with you. I know you're my Soulmate, it may be a bumpy ride until we finally hold each other every night. Let's be patient as I know in my heart, we'll be fine. Yes, You're hot !!! Love - Kaz
V 99 999
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ I love you a zipillion percent
Sickening Nicknames I'm retiring this section next year. These idiots come up with the same rubbish every time.
Alibaba Angry Angus ("You tantalize my taste buds") Anne of Greengables Baby Boy Baby Bunting Baby Girl [+ about 5000 other variations on baby] Banana Batgirl Batman Beautiful Boombi Benjamin Button Big Dog Big Fat Wombat Big Nut Brown Hare Bossy Boots Bright Eyes Bubby Giggle Bumble Bee Butthead Carrot Stick Chicken Bum Chocolate Buddy Chop Chop Hunny Bunny Chubba Bubba Cupcake Darling Boof Drummer Boy Emmy Sunshine Eve Hotpants Fat Boy Flicky Flossy Bear Freckles Funkelbeanz Golden Earring Great Hunk of Spunk Habibi Hippo Honey Bear [+ 5000 other versions of the honey theme] Hotcakes Iceman Itchy Bumface Jet Pilot Kunta Liquid Gold Little Hummingbird Little Peep Little Pup Luvabub Marky Sparky Marshmallow Miss Stretchy Miss Sunshine Moo Moo Mr. Big Muffin Mullet Muppet My Little Crawler My True Penguin Noodle Oinky Lao Po Peter Squishy Pino King Pipsqueaks Plumpy Poo Poo Head Pootines Potatohead Princess Ballbreaker Scarlet Pimpernel Schnooks Sexy Legs Sexy Lil Spunkbubble Smelly Snapple Snickers Sparrow Squelchy Sugar Plum Fairy Sweaty Cheeks Sweetcheeks The Roopracorn Ticklish Tiger Turkish Delight Watermelon Man Wee Monkey Your Lady Gaga Your Little Beyonce Zippo Zorro
Advertising Genius Section Sadly doing this online means I can't see the advertising, which means I'll never know if they decided to run the NOTHING SAYS LOVE LIKE A HUMMER ad from 2009.
Celebrity Action MORGAN FREEMAN my handsome driver, eternally yours. Miss Daisy xx
Rotten Poetry ANDY ADMIRAAL Trucks, spiders & black goats, Gouldian's with blue dilute throats. Coffee, red meat & fire mouth fishes, crisp white undies & Koby's kisses. Head butts, bites & scratches from Hades, We'll have really cute babies. Happy V.D. My Honey Pot, I sure do love you a hell of a lot. Your betrothed Mandy XX
ANNMARIE Til now you hold my heart. You're full of love, warmth and grace. You make the world a better place. You try so hard to make me see, the much better person I could be. For so long you have been my fiancee, I hope I haven't lost you from my life. I can see it all so very clear, things you thought I didn't hear. It feels you are so far away, wish I could hold your hand today. As I try to work things through, I realise how much I admire you. I will always love you
BABG Yyou are truly my best friend I will love you always till the end These words include the usual junk Except the promises I make when I'm drunk Rest assured wherever we roam It won't be long before our new home A special world for you and me Includes a bond only we can see Love BABM
BETH - Interfamily weekend with your fam. A Valentine's poem from your man...oh damn. This can't be him, you're sure to think... No it's true, Al's poems they stink
BRENDEN - You are my tender vegetarian schnitzel. Your lovely red hair makes me want to whitzle. Lots of love - Your Scottish Thitzle
CAROL KUPSCH I wish that you could see through my eyes, so then my pleasure would be yours, the rapture of our dalliance become the elysium of coverture. My Concubine divine, none other has the grace and wit, nor enchanting contours to compare.
CAROLYNN BERKMAN If love was a minute, then I love you an hour. If love was a petal, I'll give you the whole flower. Love may not be an easy thing to define, But know in your heart, you are my only Valentine.
CHICKEN Maxy is here right by my side, he's under my wing as my joy and pride, you are here too-right in the middle, I'm waiting for the next one so as to complete this diddle. [Surely they actually wrote 'riddle' - 1.0]
DEBBI Getting older can be a pain, But with you along, I can't complain. Despite the things that we go through, I know I'll never stop loving you
ELIAS Should any soul, this earth walk Imagine but a 10th of the joy Your love instills in me, Ever more they shall be doomed to live, but mortally wounded Knowing never to feel such pure delight. Jealous, even those who are jealous not. I will attempt to inscribe in ink, to carve and record that which feel, to cause such jealousy not, but to give hope for others, false as it is. For no being in this life, could do what you do to me. Most precious are those pre dawn moments, I watch you sleep. You are my dreams. Sleep drowsed, dishevelled, feet then touch and entwine. Held by you, encircled, flooded memories of that first embrace, you know the one I mean. To slowly wake together a new dawning day, feeling your touch I inhale you, your breath I breathe. Daily you are my rock, My knight, my rescuer, the other side of a formidable wall, determination, your battlefield skill, persistence your weapon, A crusade you will not lose and you rescue me literally. My dream giver, predicting all that I covet, all that I hope, toiling to deliver my every desire. My genie, the wishes you grant, infinite. I am happy, I am in love, and the day ends and we lay together again. Entwined falling into dreams together, time an irrelevance, it is then, it is now, it is always. Forever - Colleen.
EMILY Times are tough at the moment that is for sure, We have two kids now and we're not having four. I know getting no sleep can bring you close to tears, But that's no excuse for drinking my beers. I'm sorry that I can't get you a brand new bed, But I promise you this - I'll get you a nice bottle of red Love - Red.
FETTA WONG Roses are red, violets are blue, I've only been gone for five minutes, how about you? Will you be my Valentine?!
HELEN HI! How Orion doth glow In nightly skies, Its stars The Hunter ethereal Of noble eclat Low o'er venery eyes Of fires Made in number eternal. Helen, thank you for making me realise what love truly is. Best wishes for this year.
JANE You're my bestie and I love you so much, And you make me squeal when you grab my hand. Jane you're my soulmate and I love you to bits, And there's nothing better than sucking your toes. This Valentine's poem I hope makes you smile, Keeps me in the good books for a little while. Well here we are at the end, I love you Minty you're my best friend.
KAREN J Loving you is like loving the sea thinking I am in control then finding the waves crashing over me I wonder if I should give up sailing before I drown in you?
KATE ADMIRAAL It's amazing that after all this time, each day, my love for you is stronger as the wonderful length of time we have been together grows longer. And right now I want to tell everyone and make it official, that after all these years together, you are now even more beneficial! Love always! Mark
KEZ You have a tattoo of my name on your rear, But of needles I have a fear, So I did the next best thing, I engraved your name upon my ring. My name's got bigger so to speak, And as it's romance that I seek, This verse is butt tongue in cheek
LHC Roses are red Shamrocks are green Once again you and I Will make a good working team
LILLIAN In my own romantic way, I just want to say, that I live and breathe you every day. The key to my heart was yours from the start, with loving bliss I give you this Kiss. Just by chance should you accept my advance, come with my for a life of romance.
LOUISE Even though we are far apart, You are always in my heart. Soon in our igloo- just you and me, Happy Eskimos forever being silly mushy peas.
LOUISE I see a distant tree next to a brook in a field of flowers. I see you from afar standing in your white dress blowing in the wind. You are the most beautiful person in all the world to me. I walk up to you and I kiss you softly and you smile and I whisper, I love you so much will you be my Valentine.
MAREE Passionate lady, the queen, my Maree. Closer we are, more closer to be. Bright sunshine of love, star light of desire Inside I am me, beside you I'm fire. Love all ways. Mr Speechley
MOSES B Unto my twin flame and our son Zadkiel whom awaits patiently with me for the veil of ignorance to lift. And unto Sarah for her assumption of what true love light and God's Will really is. Happy Valentine's Day to all that shine, force their light, that the blind may see that it's love that honestly conquers all, not lust, nor greed, nor jealousies or vanities. God Bless you all
RAKHAL I never placed a loving ad for all the world to see: That's the incredible effect you have on me. I'm proud to be yours and to share our life together, Knowing our love will unite us forever. Happy Valentine's Day Honne!
SEXY PRINCESS As our hearts bleed & our eyes weap, the aches and pains seem to never end, our dreams and goals are set in concrete, in our minds, and we wish to achieve them together. The future is in reach, it's an arms length away. That pot of gold, full of love and happiness is at that foreseeable day. Love you so much my special one. Your Knight xo
SHARON Roses is violets, Reds is blue. If I sound confused, It's because I love you. What a good friend you are to me, and what a better person you have helped me to be.
SORTIE JADEITA It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye. Only from the heart can you reach the sky.
TERRY H (Hairy Monster) I just want you to know, I think you're grouse, For building us such a beautiful new house, It would be good if you could finish it though, And give me lots more money to blow. Nearly forgot your message today, Can you imagine what Gary would say. Happy Valentine's Day darling. Lots of love 6 days and 7 nights.
Pisstake Central GREG AND SHERRI To everyone who reads our messages each year, Happy Valentine's Day from us.
Stalkers Corner AMANDA I don't know why I didn't realise this earlier. I love you so much. I miss you. Let's reignite the flame we once had. I know it's not too late. There is so much more for us to accomplish together. I LOVE YOU - David
BRIAN R I think I saw you at Southbank but not sure. It was Wed. Jan. 20th, 2010 at around 1.30 pm. The penny dropped when I walked on. I still think of you sleepless in Seaford - CATHERINE
CAPTAIN I loved you from the very start and even though you broke my heart I will always love you - TRICKS
CHRISTINE VAN DE WOUW U r my heart & soul without u i live in pain. Please dont give up on us we can get through this we always do. Things will b so much different this time i never want to lose you ever again love always James xoxo
DIESEL SEWELL Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I look forward to my final event later this year with you! [Sounds like he's planning murder - 1.0]
DONNA No longer together, always thinking of you. Forever in my heart just a phone call away. - Scuba Steve.
DOROTHY LOUISE It's been a long time, but do you fancy a coffee. Reply by Public Notices. - David John [Nothing says love like a direct order - 1.0]
HELEN-MARY My darling Helen, even after 38 years the sadness still fills my heart when I think of the day that you told me it was over between us. I am so sorry that I ruined 2 years of your life, and knowing that you would never want me back is something I have to live with morning and night for the rest of my life. You were my first Helen, my best friend, and the first and only girl I ever loved. Not a day goes past that I don't say that I love you. I will love you forever my darling Helen, I will love you until the day I die. Your perfume "Fidji" keeps you near to me always. _ Your loving Sweetpea G XXX
JACQUI Although it has been nearly two years since you left after 30 years together, you are in my thoughts every minute of every day. I love you more now than I ever have and I always will. I pray every day that one day you may come home. I will never give up on you, Jacqui. All my love - Paul
JODIE M I know that Jodie I've done you wrong, I send my thoughts to keep you strong. One day I still hope that we may be, As I love you and deep down I know you love me
LEIGH Leigh at Broadford, please contact Claire at Doncaster East at niie at live.com.au
LIZ We met at CHILLOUT on Sunday. You wore a suit and a man's felt hat. My senses must have treed away for my mind seemed not to see, this awesome lady, who held my coffee for me! Again I'll bring my whippet from Blackwood to the fair, then perhaps my Angel, please make sure you're there.
MY POD, BEKTAPOD, BEEPOD I'm sorry I walked out on you, at the time I was angry, In my heart you'll always be, to remind me of my stupidity. Please call, your beast.
N To the very hot one. Nice style. Can we talk please. Same place, time and day, or Tuesday? kxxk
PILOT MAN Tall, dark, handsome, 5.2.10 @ 8.50 a.m. Hob - Melb. Be my Valentine!! You're hothothot and I'm cutecutecute. - Stripey Girl.
SCOTT Bop, I miss you. Please call me. Bep xoxo
TINA MISS OUR CHATS - Andrew.
Just Plain Creepy Aaron (hearts) Rochelle To the best Mummy and Daddy in the World, have a happy Valentine's Day - Love Abbie XO
ANDRE Hope you get one today - Ros
ANDREW YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY !! BUT I STILL LOVE YOU !! STILL WAITING FOR THE OTHER 6 INCHES YOU PROMISED ME !! JIM xo
ANTHONY PETER SHARPE I love you - Your first wife Jo
BOO Meet me all the way. I want you in my life forever. Forever is nothing without YOU.Love Always YOUR COUGAR.xxxxxx
CHERYL You came, you overwhelmed. Your squeals and size will never be forgotten
CREEP NUMBER 2 Dearest Creep Number 2 - Happy Valentines Day - I love watching you creep on others. Next time I hope I get to share the bottom bunk with you - Much love x
DALE `If you love something set it free, If it comes back it's yours to keep' and I'm back. Happy Valentine's Day. - Juliette. x x x
FLIC I know your scared about the future. I believe it's meant to be. I hope time makes you realise what you want. I Love You. Always and forever - Jase xx
GERRY You may not be my Valentine, but you sure are the best Dad in the world. - Lisa
IKROOP You're the BEST son in the whole wide world. We love you. Love - Mum and Dad
JESS W Little Ghost, when you accepted that ring upon which my loneliness is written, why did you not say... my love waits for me? Because, adored one, I wait for you.
KANE (DADDY!) Youre still as gorgeous as the day I 1st laid eyes on you! Luv always! Mel xx Daddy lots of seal kisses for u! Luv u nearly as much as I luv Mr Spotty! :-) Zoe xx
MATTHEW JAMES I love you more than all the history books I am so very proud of my gorgeous boy Happy Valentine's Day Lots of Love - Mum
MY HOLDEN V8 Man WOW, "What's going on there"? We did it! More than 20 years since I left your side, we are back together as one and this time 4ever. See dreams do come true! I can't wait to get old with you as a diabolical couple truly made in Heaven! Kisses and lovin' in Paris and the Mile High Club, "BRING IT ON" Baby! Happy Valentine's Day my gorgeous man!! Love always _ "YOUR Holden V8 Girl" xoxoxo
NICOLA BOND It is written
NICOLE NELSON I'm sorry for all those vet visits Happy Valentine's Day. Love Sadie. (woof woof)
PJM66 Q. Am I your Lord? (Will you marry me?) A. Love is a slave to the heart not the soul. (Yes I will) - DHJ456.
ST KILDA Flag for 2010 - Paula 5034 [She must have the most tragic love life of anyone on here - 1.0]
And that's it... Votes on your favourite are open until February 13th 2011.
It has been my long held belief that nobody over ten should be allowed to wave a flag in a football ground. Security guards should be detailed to grab the things and snap them in two as the user is clearly not in any mental state to be carrying a metre long pole.
And so, from the media coverage of the Round 9, 1909 game against Collingwood
Any person waving flags or banners inside the ground or stand enclosures will be expelled
Who said the world hasn't progressed in the last 100 years? I'd say they knew exactly what they were doing. After the game
The committee were commended for their decision with regard to the waving of flags. It was contended that the flaunting of flags is more likely to lead to a disturbance than anything else connected with football.
The supporter who considers it necessary to show his devotion to a club in that way is generally a weak-minded barracker whose support is rather baneful than helpful, or possibly one of a "push" deliberately inviting a disturbance.
This year the foolish fad is very noticeable, and leads sometimes to fighting but more frequently to abusive and foul language".
I invite you to direct 'abusive and foul language' at any grown humans you see waving flags at the ground this year. Whether or not you take this to heart and wade into the cheer squad throwing haymakers is your business, but remember this the next time some 40-year-old tosser almost takes your eye out while swinging one of these things around.
163 - Belle and Sebastian - Piazza, New York Catcher No real video, so take your choice of sad losers (even worse than myself) doing pox covers in their bedrooms before they cry themselves to sleep.
158 - Chris Korda - I Like To Watch Video so unbelievably not safe for work that I direct you to their website and if you choose to download it.. Then you'll be on the same FBI hitlist as the rest of us.
222 - Coldplay - Yellow From this, a great single, to the most BORING but popular band in the world. Ack. Don't look too hard for any of their other tracks in the next 221.
214 - Morrissey - I Will See You In Far Off Places The opening track on Ringleader Of The Tormentors. Gave hope that it would be just as good, if not better, than You Are The Quarry. Hope founded about three seconds after this finished.
A list ten years in the making. From a shortlist of over 600 songs we've halved it to an even three hundred. And if you think some of this is dubious then imagine what got left out?
THE RULES * No limit on tracks per artist * No covers (Cover of the decade = It's My Life by No Doubt) UNLESS the cover is more famous than the original and both came from this decade. * No straight remixes. Samples ok. * Please no coming to my house and attempting to knife me at least until you've seen #1.
300 - 50 Cent - In Da Club Thumping track with lyrics that seem incredibly naff nearly seven years on post 50's brief rise and shithouse acting career but still a memorable track. Maybe better enjoyed as an instrumental...
298 - Lordi - Hard Rock Hallelujah Cod Finnish 'metal' and Eurovision winner. Just crazy enough to work. Prepare yourself for a cavalcade of other Eurovision entries in the next 297 tracks..
294 - Eminem - Lose Yourself Like its generation's Khe Sanh, a song that probably should rank higher but for being beloved by dickheads.
293 - Elbow - One Day Like This Clearly made to be sung in a field at 3am in the morning. Would rank hundreds of places higher if I was into that kind of stuff.
289 - Limp Bizkit - Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle) Well screw you, Fred Durst may very well have been the douche of the decade but this still packed a punch. And we're not done with the Bizkit yet..
285 - Daz Sampson - Teenage Life Just ignore the slightly dodgy video. White man rap that came off surprisingly well on record, but less so in Eurovision 2006 where he scored bugger all.
276 - Outkast - Hey Ya Absolutely butchered by overkill when it was the biggest thing in the world for a few weeks after release. Only now can we sit back, appreciate fully and ask the time honoured question - 'what's cooler than being cool'?
274 - Pink - God Is a DJ Despite a late charge from Lady GaGa there is surely no doubt that Pink was the female 'pop' artist of the decade. Only Timberlake could face her down for the overall title.
261 – Ja Rule – Livin’ It Up Much like 50 Cent he was a clearly detestable human being who managed one sample-aided cracker of a track before never being heard from again. At least had the good manners not to try a serious acting career.
260 - The Cloud Room - Blackout! No video. Imagine what a song about a blackout might sound like.
So, what's in store for 250-201? How many more times will you wail and scream "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?" as another second division rap act nudges their way in next to Limp Bizkit? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT.
18 - The White Stripes – White Blood Cells The band who dominated the first five years of the decade before being distracted by side projects and other various shenanigans.
17 - The Libertines – The Libertines For about five minutes they were the best band in the world. Then Pete Doherty upped his drug intake to Herculean levels, robbed his bandmate's flat, shacked up with a supermodel and saw it all go wrong.
3 – Drive-By Truckers – Southern Rock Opera A two disc concept album loosely based on the lives and deaths of Lynyrd Skynyrd. It shouldn't work. But it does.
2 – Morrissey – You Are The Quarry A nine year hiatus shattered with a corker of a comeback. Next two albums declared "very ordinary".
A poor year in music. For almost everybody on this list who has "old stuff", I'd rather it than what they put out this year. But let's forge on regardless.
First, as always, the rules. Two tracks per artist maximum, no covers, re-releases only if 2009 was the first time I'd heard it. Guest appearances, duets and "We Are The World" style celebrity singalongs don't count towards the two.
And before we begin - a quick look at the previous top 5's.
2005
1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot 2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure 3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La 4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me 5. Bloc Party - Helicopter
2006
1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill 2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It 3. Silvia Night - Congratulations 4. Lily Allen - LDN 5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me
2007
1. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy! 2. New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream 3. The Teenagers - Homecoming 4. Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent 5. Jack Penate - Spit At Stars
2008
1. Lethal Bizzle - The Come Up 2. Neon Neon - Luxury Pool 3. MGMT - Electric Feel 4. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream 5. Fryars - Olive Eyes
49 - Lethal Bizzle - Rockstar I was hanging out to see what last year's #1 artist would follow "The Come Up" with. The answer was 'nothing nearly as good'. It'll probably sell a truckload more.
48 - 1990's - Everybody Please Relax A perfectly good song nearly destroyed by the use of the term 'chillax'. Even used with heavy irony it sounds shithouse. CEASE AND DESIST.
47 - The Prodigy - Invaders Must Die They're still around, and with original members. Oh for something remotely approaching the sick menace of Breathe.
44 - Julian Cope - All the Blowing Themselves Up Motherfuckers Acid fried former Teardrop Explode frontman delivers his take on the art of suicide bombing in a song with no video. Thirty seconds worth here.
43 - Art Brut - Demons Out! The same lyrics with a knowing smirk. Just not as good as before.
35 - Noisettes - Don't Upset the Rhythm It's an iron clad guarantee that if you haven't heard this soundtracking something from the government yet, you will soon.
33 - New York Dolls - Cause I Sez So Yes, they are still alive. Some of them anyway. Kind of like The Platters playing at the Dragonfly Restaurant in Tullamarine.
29 - Bad Lieutenant - Sink Or Swim Bernard from New Order in a New Order-esque moment. Sure, he doesn't talk to Peter Hook anymore but this is about as N.O as you're ever going to get again.
26 - The Cribs - We Share The Same Skies You will note that nothing off the new Morrissey album made this year's top 50. The only decent songs got in last year as singles - the rest are shit. This track should tell you everything you need to know about why Johnny Marr and Moz should kiss make up, get back together and FUCKING DOMINATE. The Cribs had one shining moment (Men's Needs), and have done nearly bugger all since but this gets pushed from purely average to good simply by the addition of Marr Magic.
25 - Kasabian - Underdog Like them or not, and I'm undecided, there is no doubt that Kasabian are going to slot right into the space recently left by Oasis. All they need is their lighters in the air, bullshit Wonderwall-esque ballad and then it's world domination time.
24 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Softshock One of three Karen O appearances in this year's chart. She qualifies due to a guest appearance.
23 - Peaches - Billionare Where the middle-aged and hairy Canadian sleazebag suggests that she would like to "fuck you like a billionare"
22 - Lily Allen - It's Not Fair Pop country for people who would throw up if you were suggesting that they were listening to country. "But there's lyrics about shagging!" you say. I say Loretta Lynn did it first. Still, not a bad song. Raising the spectre of Conway Twitty in the video was a masterstroke.
21 - U2 - Breathe I vowed never to take another U2 song seriously until they did another "Beautiful Day" or "Elevation", but this is surprisingly good.
19 - Luke Haines - 21st Century Man Your standard Haines. Think The Auteurs or Black Box Recorder. Wistful looking back at British 20th modern history a speciality.
16 - Camera Obscura - Honey In The Sun In a less cruel world this would be considered pop and would storm into the charts at #1. But no, enjoy your Katy Perry instead kids.
15 - Connor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band - Roosevelt Room Last year's Bob Dylan is at #50, the future Dylan is here. No video anywhere (!?), but more than worth a listen.
14 - The Virgins - Teen Lovers Good song, quality video. Like a last minute draft smoky this rocketed from the mid 40's to 14th in the last week of voting. Congratulations Virgins everywhere!
Former Catatonia singer in blistering return to form. Like Dusty In Memphis dragged into the 21st century.
9 - Lily Allen - The Fear
Depression about fame. Pulp did it years ago, and they even nabbed the song title. Still, the best chartbound pop song of the year. Additional bonus of getting a few obscenities in that are well masked enough to see the track played at family functions. Sold. And I would like to touch her, but that's beside the point.
8 - La Roux - In For The Kill
Somewhere deep inside the heart of this long lurks 1986.
7 - Dengue Fever - Tiger Phone Card
Our first ever American/Cambodian love song. Ever. Anyone willing to bet on another one?
6 - Deadmau5 featuring Rob Swire - Ghosts 'n Stuff
Reminiscent of Perfect by Mason, in that it worked amazingly without lyrics. Like when Princess Superstar met Mason, this is remarkable with words put to it.
5 - Low Fidelity All Stars - The Good Times Skirts the fine line of just ripping off I Want You Back by the Jackson 5. Which, in this year of one of them carking it, isn't such a bad thing.
This year's Empire of the Sun. Bizarre freaks with strange videos delivering the natural 21st progression of synthpop. Sounds like a version of MGMT who don't take themselves so seriously. Described by a Pitchfork reviewer as "the worst band in the world" they certainly look the part, but maigod the songs say otherwise. Besides.. in the world? What about all those Hillsong front groups who sing about how much they love Jebus?
2 - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
1 - N.A.S.A - Spacious Thoughts (featuring Tom Waits and Kool Keith)
See you soon for TSP's top 200 of the 2000's. Explosive.
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