Sunday, 27 October 2013

In defence of 'old soccer'

The truly unique thing about Australian soccer fans is that they’re one of the few groups to despise the history of their own sport. Yes that's 'soccer', which is what people called it before the word was outlawed as part of the drastic re-imagining of the game in this country a decade ago.

Nobody seemed to care what the game was called then (and there were far more offensive terms for it than 'soccer' let me tell you), and in most places around the world they still don't, but it seems these days that the only time you’ll hear the ‘s’ word is if somebody’s giving what’s fashionably become known amongst fans and detractors alike as ‘old soccer’ a kicking. Throw in a few references to ethnic warfare and a body count higher than the Crimean War and you’re cleared to use it, but only in a negative context unless you want the crowd to boo you.

In the blind rush to reclaim the game from 'the ethnics' the virtual outlawing of the word was taken to with glee by the same people who have gone on to ransack their entire 'terrace culture' lock, stock and barrel from Europe. The violent hatred of nearly everything that came before 'year zero' has confined not only several generations of teams, fans and players, but also a perfectly reasonable term for the sport to an historical red card. But why?

When people lament the evil that is ‘old soccer’ I know exactly where they’re coming from. They’re talking about Footscray JUST and Sydney Croatia ‘fans’ butchering each other in a car park in 1987 for reasons best known only to themselves and their grandparents, or the night Australian ‘fans’ arranged themselves in the shape of a swastika as the Socceroos played Israel in a 1989 World Cup qualifier.

What these people represented was not ‘old soccer’ but pure, white hot racism and hated. To hold them up as representative of soccer from the 1950’s until Nick Mrdja won the last National Soccer League Grand Final for Perth Glory (‘broadbased’) against Parramatta Power (‘no fans of any ethnicity’) is the laziest stereotype in Australian sport, but one which has achieved pandemic levels in the last few years.

History is obviously written by the winners, which is why the treatment of Nicky Winmar by the crowd at Victoria Park is now spoken about as a horrible chapter in our racist history but what supporters of long dead soccer clubs did in the 1980's is still relevant today. That Australian society has come a long way on all fronts in the last 20 years is undeniable, and the racism and generally horrible behaviour of the past is treated as it is from the past - unless it happened in the stands of a National Soccer League match. 

It's simple enough to lay the boots into sides which have already been nearly wiped from the face of the earth, but the truth is that by the time the NSL was (quite rightly) put to sleep the ‘ethnics’ were in the minority and very much on the run. The 2000-2001 season had just six of 16 teams backed primarily by one group, and the political parties masquerading as football clubs had been long removed the national scene and either relegated to state leagues or obliterated entirely.

The problem was that none of these 'Aussie' teams was any good, and consequently without anything more than token television coverage nobody went to watch them. Even Carlton, held up briefly as the next big thing in Australian football after making a Grand Final in their first season, failed eight games into the year. One of their final matches was delayed because nobody remembered to bring goal nets along. 

Carlton had briefly been the saviour of 'broadbased' football in Melbourne. In that first season when they'd played in the Grand Final against South Melbourne the two teams had even been afforded the honour of a pre-match parade down Swanston Street. That no more than a handful of people turned up is hardly the point, but let the record show that in one bright shining moment for 'old soccer' that Paul Trimboli got to sit in a slow moving vintage car, waving at bemused people who were simply trying to catch the tram from outside Melbourne Central.

It was also probably the only Grand Final where the winning goal was celebrated by somebody tearing off their team shirt to reveal Macho Man Randy Savage merchandise, but that was as good as it got for the NSL in Melbourne after that. Channel 7 even managed to run a positive story about the match instead of concentrating on the, ahem, boisterous (AKA bin throwing) celebrations by fans afterwards.

The NSL had always been Australia's premier competition for those who enjoyed a rotating cast of clubs. Even once relegation and promotion from state leagues had been abolished sides would still crop up and fold at the drop of a hat. Who could forget Collingwood's partnership with Heidelberg that started the season with big crowds at Victoria Park and ended with the team playing in front of empty stands at the same venue?

Though they already had the numbers by the turn of the century, the 'locals' further solidified their control of the competition in its last few years despite clubs representing 'Australia' dropping like flies. Carlton were the first to go, and the Eastern Pride (nee Morwell Falcons) also failed to complete the 2000-01 season. The Canberra Cosmos at least managed to struggle through the year before being euthanised. Preposterously the league managed to get through two whole seasons (2001/02 and 2002/03) seasons with exactly the same sides participating, but the long term prospects for the competition were almost nil. 

A last ditch attempt at introducing some buzz around the competition in its second last year by introducing a finals series where six teams would play a ten round home and away competition as well as a Grand Final came to nothing as: a) about two weeks in 75 per cent of the matches were dead rubbers and b) the only TV coverage they could get was on some obscure Optus channel which showed Homeart ads whenever there wasn't a game on. The league didn't even bother playing one game between Northern Spirit and Newcastle. That 38,000 turned up to see Perth Glory win the title said more for the long-term prospects of the club themselves rather than the league they were in.

So I'm not here to try and pretend that this was a sensibly run and professional competition with mass public appeal in all markets across the country, because as keen as I am on revisionist history that would be a terrific lie. But what is most certainly was not by this point was an ethnic war zone where ancient scores from across Europe were settled in the stands by chain-wielding teenagers on a weekly basis.

By the time the league folded in 2004 the balance had swung conclusively towards the ‘locals’ with a majority of eight from 13, and the last time fans had disgraced themselves on racial lines had been three years earlier. Somehow though, in the rush to take ownership of football out of ‘ethnic’ hands, we were suddenly pitched into an alternative universe where every match had been Pratten Park 1985 no matter who was involved.

In my experience that was anything but the case, and at the risk of being banned from attending any major football event in this country for the next decade I come in defence of the much maligned NSL and the brand of ‘old soccer’ that it has come to represent.

I’d grown up on highlights of the English game every Monday night in the days when you were grateful just to see your team in a five minute highlights package.  Every once in a while you might stumble across local highlights on SBS, but to me the references to South Melbourne Hellas on Acropolis Now may as well have been about a team playing on the moon.

It wasn’t until I’d grown up and suffered the heartbreak of seeing my side relegated from the Premier League (and worse) that I took a chance on the local game and fell in love. For three brief seasons I was an NSL aficionado, and it was magnificent.

Was it meant to be confronting that South Melbourne fans called their side Hellas? After five minutes of the first game so did I. That's who they were. Not that it was compulsory; you didn’t have to swear allegiance to the Greek flag before being allowed in. In fact, to prove how ‘Aussie’ they were the NSL made you stand for the national anthem before kick-off. Even the A-League isn't insane enough to try that.

In all this time the only ethnic rivalry I ever saw was a half-hearted Hellenic power struggle between South Melbourne and Sydney Olympic, and even then that was practically identical to the rivalry which exists now between Melbourne Victory and Sydney FC with the added bonus of better sounding offensive chants in a foreign language. Who knows what they meant, but we joined in anyway because it was fun and that's what you do when you follow a team - you adapt to their culture. New Victory fans join in the chants which have become popular over the years, we did the ones in Greek which said something horrific about the opposition fan's mothers.

The argument is obviously that it's better if a side's culture isn't 'ethnically' based and everyone can join in but that was the point of bringing in at least one 'open' side for people who were into that sort of thing. Australian football might have ended up in a totally different place if the authorities had created proper 'broadbased' clubs like the Victory and Sydney FC instead of shacking up with footy sides and instantly turning off anybody who wasn't already a Carlton or Parramatta fan. Still, at least it wasn't (as some would have you believe) Croats vs Serbs, Israelis vs Palestinians or Hutus vs Tutsis by that point.

The league itself was always going to end with a whimper rather than a bang, but having walked in just as the party was ending I found myself right at home at Bob Jane Stadium. In that last season of a rapidly dying competition the idea that a brand new league would turn away a side who had drawn crowds of more than 10,000 without a dash of television coverage seemed bizarre. It was hard to believe that the people trying to lift the game off the bottom of the ocean would turn away the club who'd have made the perfect foil to the Victory in the battle for Melbourne.

They did and it still hurts today. While nobody can argue Victory’s success (despite the belated introduction of the pretty much moribund Melbourne Heart), it hardly seemed fair that New South Wales got one club in each of Gosford, Newcastle and Sydney while there was no room the team who had represented Australia on the world stage four years earlier. All of a sudden they were relegated to playing Altona Magic instead of Perth Glory.

To be fair clubs like South hadn't done themselves any favours over the years, so desperate for anybody to pay their money at the gate that they'd let pretty much anyone in no matter how impure their intentions were. I remember standing in the Bob Jane Stadium clubhouse talking to the head of security for the club about a fan who had been banned 'for life' for some reason or another, when said outlaw fan scanned his membership at the door and walked into the ground within touching distance of the guard. He continued to go unchallenged for the rest of the season and still watches the club now.

I have no doubt that many of the isolated incidents which have now become football folklore could have been stopped if the clubs had any interest in enforcing bans or if they had access to the same sort of security and surveillance which clubs do in modern stadiums, but who knows if it would have helped when the stereotype had been well and truly embedded in Australia's psyche whether it was true or not. Play my patented NSL Superquiz and humour the next person who tells you how horrible the ethnic riots were 'back then' only to then ask them to name their top five racially based conflagrations. If they can get past Despotovski vs the Melbourne Knights you may as well declare them a winner.

How foolish it seems now to have stood under, and I think held it up at one point, a "No South, No APL" banner at the club's last NSL match against Adelaide United at Hindmarsh Stadium. Not only because the FFA made the message irrelevant by changing the name of the competition, but also the fact that we thought that we were so indispensable that the competition couldn't possibly succeed without us. The truth was that the club needed the competition more than the competition needed the club, and South nearly went out of business almost immediately after they were excluded.

Perhaps they'd have had more chance if they’d bought the licence for a team in Auckland. After all, the New Zealand Knights were admitted as the successor of a club which had attracted 950 people to its last NSL match. I suppose nobody can accuse a team with no fans of having been responsible for any crowd trouble. 

Over the years I've thought about the process that severed my brief but thrilling connection with Australian top flight soccer many times. Usually it's while I'm half-heartedly watching the A-League and going for Wellington Phoenix in an equally half-hearted fashion just because in my mind they don't represent the same people who gave us the boot. In these moments of reflection I like to think that the fact that a perfectly viable but ethnically based team was excluded was more to do with the FFA wanting to clear the decks for 'their clubs' than anything else, but the blanket expulsion of any side which had more than a tenuous connection to 'old soccer' has given rise to the greatest urban myth in Australian sports.

You can see it in any story hinting at football’s past. When it was revealed that South Melbourne was trying to buy Melbourne Heart the same themes cropped up in articles and comments alike. Mentioning the “bad old days” and “old soccer” was almost compulsory, and the insinuation was clear: the return of a side which drew much of its support from the Greek community would herald a “return to ethnic violence”.

Who exactly would this violence be between? Did I miss a brief, bloody conflict between Greece and New Zealand which would cause games against the Phoenix to end with the stadium blanketed in tear gas? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and the insinuation that violence is bred purely by ethnicity is hardly compatible with A-League fans being king hit in the stands or attacking police

You wonder why Melbourne Victory fans who seem as keen as mustard for a proper local rival with more than a handful of fans can't see that instead of holding the ethnics at bay and acting like they solely own the game in this city they should be welcoming a proper rival. These are the same people who have adopted all sorts of macho bullshit 'ultra' stuff from Europe but who simultaneously perpetuate all the myths about the past while complaining about the treatment they receive from police and the media. Perhaps most of what they know about the 'evil' of the past was similarly beaten up by the press?

The NSL’s reputation gets worse every year, but how can fans behave as if the isolated violent acts in their 'new' league are somehow less offensive because there’s no ethnic background to them? A few thrown coins are dismissed as nothing much, but the behaviour of fans in the mid 90’s is still held as hard evidence against entire clubs today. Again, who are 'we' going to fight with now? Sydney FC, West Sydney Wanderers or Melbourne Victory? There doesn't seem to be any shortage of potential clashes, but if a fight happens at the soccer and it doesn't involve ethnic rivalry did it really happen?

When did it become so fashionable to put an ethnic twist on sporting violence? Imagine if 25-year-old Cameron George Frearson of Gymea had known in the mid 90’s that one day everything terrible which happened before 2004 would be blamed on nationalism. He’d have come up with a far better excuse for letting off a flare at a World Cup qualifier than "Because it creates a good visual effect when a goal is scored".

As I stood in the pouring rain watching South get thrashed 5-0 by a pub team a few weeks ago I finally came to terms with the fact that there’s no way they’ll ever be allowed back in the national competition in any meaningful fashion. Even if Heart were willing to sell, the FFA would be scared to death of a backlash from its stakeholders and would at best allow them to be called South Melbourne Heart, Melbourne United or something equally generic. 

Their league, their rules I suppose, but nearly a decade on from NSL’s death it’s time that we stopped racially profiling clubs and accept that the popular stereotypes were for the large part just that? That unfortunately soccer seems to attract a proportion of dickheads no matter where you watch it, and that the first priority should be to find these people and kick them out permanently. If clubs wither and die because they've got a higher proportion of arsehole fans than others then bad luck to them.

That the 'ethnic panic' is complete bullshit is hard to argue, but the point then becomes whether South could even do better than heart. Lacking a proper geographical reason for anybody to follow a second Melbourne club was there any point in bringing one in to start with? Probably not. Would the handful of supporters who would come back from Victory contribute to a decent following? I seriously doubt it, but if the 11,000 who turned up to see South's first match back in the Victorian Premier League (tellingly the total plummeted to just over 4000 the next week) showed half an interest in seeing the club play top level football again it would be a good start.

If you were a Heart fan wouldn't you have wanted this to happen? Sure you might have to buy a new shirt and perhaps not follow a team with the pansiest nickname in sport, but your 5000 fans plus our 5000 is a start. We'll build from there, abusing Victory fans all the way. You bring the A-League spot, we'll bring the legitimate dislike for their club. You could go on as you are now, but your club's just going to go broke and you'll be left with no other options but to either skulk back to Victory and try to ignore the embarrassingly forced rivalry of the last couple of years or to give up altogether and wait for the next fool to come along asking to be parted from his money by launching a 'broadbased' Melbourne club.

That there was perhaps 1500 South fans at that Victorian Premier League preliminary final a couple of weeks ago would seem to indicate that there's no coming back for the FIFA Oceania Club of the Century. I can certainly understand that viewpoint, but there's a big difference between playing on the largest stage in the country (where we belong) and against Northcote at at a park in Port Melbourne. 

Admittedly I'm not exactly doing my bit for the club these days, it was the first game I'd bothered to go to all season myself. What's the point in following your team through a mickey mouse competition every week throughout winter? I'd done it for a few years and enjoyed myself but the chronic mismanagement of the league (not to mention the rampant corruption) is enough to grind you down eventually. There's still life in the club, just no reason at the moment for it to be revived.



All the while as we're looking on with jealously the A-League continues to grow. Plenty of us sneered at the idea of it taking off, but it seems to be doing just that. I'm still not sure investing your money in a team is any more sensible than buying an NBL side or giving your credit card number to a Nigerian prince but the crowds in most venues are well above what might have been expected a few years ago, and other than a couple of hastily created expansion teams (as well as the Knights who were practically dead before they'd even began) most clubs appear to at least be keeping their head above water. The FFA are even happy to bail out major market clubs who fall over and help them back on their feet.

Yet while all this is happening a generation of fans sits on the sidelines waiting for a chance at redemption, looking at A-League fans waving banners that read 'against modern football' and falling about laughing at the idea that they know anything about hardship. It's fun to play the victim, and we're still doing it almost 10 years later, but the idea of once again having a team to spend my summer following is enough to make me pay more attention to the A-League now than I have in the last few years.

If we're going to be kept out please at least let it be for the right reasons, that we don't have the appropriate financial backing and have shed most of our fan base, not because of some antiquated racial notions of what European people are likely to do at a soccer game.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Love Theme from Shame FM

This half-written post would never have been published if I'd ever sat down to finish it. In the tradition of modern TSP I'm just posting it in its rubbish form. Let the good times roll.

On 18 April 2007 (at which point Melbourne had only been shit for three games) Elle G from Cassettes & Chocolate Milk and I started the Shame FM blog. It was intended to pay homage to songs which we liked but nobody else did. This lasted 11 days, but every once in a while I hear a song or see a clip where my fingers are poised over alt-tab like that weird kid at school who used the rise of the internet to look at naked women in the middle of the school library (his name was Corey. Of course it was), and I think that it would be a worthy inclusion if I could be bothered writing a post. It's never happened yet, so here are a few examples from half written posts over the last few years.

Alcazar - Crying At The Discotheque

How I'd love to play the hipster card and pretend that I totally ignored this at the time and only rediscovered it when I found out about Spacer by Sheila B Devotion about five years later, but no. I loved this right from the start and I'm not afraid to say it online - without my real name attached so it can't be used against me when applying for jobs in the future.

Shame rating: ****

Cold Chisel - Choir Girl


Chisel get a fearful kicking thanks to their unintended alliance with some of the worst people in society, singing Khe Sanh at the top of their lungs while chasing immigrants - but if this isn't a timeless Australian classic I'm not here.

Not only does it reasonably cover the 'slightly contentious' topic of abortion with a dignity that eluded Two Minutes To Midnight by Iron Maiden, but for an ultra low budget video it's loaded with highlights. Witness a grinning Barnsey playing pocket billiards in a casual white suit that makes it look like he's just finished slave trading in Manilla. See the late drummer in a fetching blue singlet singing his heart out while Don Walker - the man who wrote the thing in the first place - loses interest. Consider the way Ian Moss looks exactly like Doctor Turf. Find absolutely nothing of interest in the other guy.

As for the song itself are there all that many better moments than when Jimmy rips out the "she's my connection.." bit? And the "suffer little children" singalong, magnificent. Don't be fooled by people with Southern Cross tattoos on their neck, Chisel's still a mighty force - and this is up there with their best.

Shame rating: **

Falco and Brigitte Nielsen - Body Next To Body

It's not just because it's got the future Mrs. Flavor Flav in it, at this point the finest woman in the world, but it mostly is. At the risk of being labelled a pervert (again) I rate the bit where she's being groped at while walking through the tunnel at the start on a par with Gwen Stefani being hauled off to the gas chamber and a jilted bride gang leader Katy Perry as the hottest moments in music video history.

Shame rating: ** (for liking the song) 
***** (for the exposed perversion)

Mi-Sex - Shanghaied

I can see why this didn't chart as well as their earlier stuff, after all the guy who sung "Com-pu-pu-pu-pu-pu-PU-PU-PU-ter Games!" is relegated to a secondary role behind a bloke who looks like he's just nipped out of the local RSL, slapped on a bow tie and been handed a microphone and a lyrics sheet. No wonder 'the kids' declined the options to put it into the charts in either Australia or New Zealand.

Sadly this means they missed out on an absolute belter, and it's only thanks to people who upload old clips to YouTube that it's not lost forever. Its chart success can't have been helped by the alternative lead singer's clunky attempts at getting the crowd to clap along when they performed live on Countdown but his unusual vocal stylings and the piano playing combine to create ART. Also at one point the guitarist almost forgets that he's supposed to mime and has to charge to the microphone at the last minute.

It starts well, but it ends even better. Starting from the moment he delivers the best (and possibly only) use of the word "wistful" in Australian popular music history it goes up a gear, with old mate delivering a genuinely quality acting performance in playing up to the song's lyrics about being blind-sided and cheated in love. Those who didn't rush to their local Brashs and make this #1 on the ARIA charts did Australian/New Zealand music a disservice - don't blame me, I was four months old.

Shame rating: **

Shakira - Objection (Tango)
Notwithstanding its use in the worst Pepsi ad ever, and the 'spoken word' bit that grinds the song to a halt with the worst 'rap' by a white woman since Madonna's American Life, this is a modern pop classic. Let's not let 10 seconds detract from something that is otherwise almost universally perfect.

The lyrics don't stand up to any proper scrutiny, but how often do they? There's even an illusion to her knockers, which is the hallmark of all great Shakira songs (both of them - that's the songs you sleaze). Listen to it alongside this and remember the brief era in 2001/02 when the future of pop was based in Colombia. Much like Lady Gaga she didn't have much in the tank after the first couple of songs, but has still managed to pocket MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. She even briefly kicked the door in for other, less successful female Latino singers (double shame - I actually really like that song)

Shame rating: ****

Friday, 21 June 2013

Seconds From Disaster: When sportsmen meet microphone

As this article so rightly points out in not so many words there is little more thrilling in the world of music than the sight of an untrained celebrity let loose with a microphone. Whether it's part of a desperate (failed) attempt to capitalise on fleeting fame or as an impromptu singalong to an all-time classic as the result of days consuming nothing more than beers and faeces flecked bar peanuts at least you know if it's not good it will be memorable.

Sadly in the glory era for singing sportspeople - the 1970's and 1980's - Australia lagged sadly behind. It's no surprise that somebody finally realised that Mark Jackson and Warwick Capper could be worth a buck (years before an enterprising cinematic genius decided to put them together in lost classic Yobbos Up The Guts) but on the whole our results as a nation were disappointing. Thank god then for Britain and the United States - fading as superpowers but leading the world in ill-conceived celebrity sporting songs.

So, collected from the 70's and 80's glory era only here are some of my 'favourites'. Some will torment you under the end of time. Some rise above the odds to be quite good. Without exception they are always performed by men because women are too sensible to get involved in such tosh.

Giorgio Chinaglia - (I'm) Football Crazy (1974)

In which the Italian footballer, and latter day villain of the documentary Once In A Lifetime, bridges the gap between folky pop of the 70's and the Italo Disco era of the 80's as no other man would dare to attempt.

There's no explanation in either English or Italian that I can find for the pointless bracketing of the word 'I'm', other than that it was the theme song to a Joan Collins starring 'sex comedy' called Football Crazy which was also released under the far more 'hammer and tongs' suggestive name of "Playing The Field".

This is not Chinaglia's issue though, he was clearly there only to use his celebrity status to give the film a leg up at the box office. The film was in Italian, and while sadly no footage exists of how Joan coped with this, one can only assume that the theme song was originally in his native language before the above version was recorded for a grateful English speaking market.

With what sounds like a Copperart version of Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass in the background Giorgio regales us with tales of his deep passion for the game and reminds of how well he's feeling. At least I think that's what's going on, it's hard to tell what he's on about half the time.

Eventually chirpy backing singers come in to save his blushes with even heavier Italian accents, but afte the first chorus they nick off and leave him to do the second alone with disastrous results. His attempts to hit a high note are noble at best, painful at worst. "I'm football crazy and misunderstood" it goes, which might be half right.

Chinaglia wasn't the only Cosmos player to take to the microphone. Pele was so good that he even provided a laid back theme to an autobiographical documentary (with a non-inconsiderable assist from Sergio Mendes). Even Franz Beckenbauer, one of the most sensible men ever born, had a go in his native country - though he needn't have bothered.

Classy Freddie Blassie - Pencil Neck Geek (1975)

In the spirit of Benny Hill's Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West), the classy one delivered his own spaghetti western epic, featuring lyrics which condone bullying, abuse and murder of 'geeks' everywhere in a fashion that would have him shot out of a cannon if he tried it now.

Keep going to the end where he pulls off the sort of skit so beloved of shithouse rap albums by De La Soul 15 years later. He attempted to relive the magic with Blassie King of Men, but it didn't have the same impact and he dropped off the face of the earth again until Andy Kaufman invited him to breakfast.

Guy Lafleur - Scoring (1979)
Everything I know about Guy comes from his Wikipedia page which reveals he was nicknamed "The Flower" in English and the far more dashing "Le Démon Blond" in French. However everything I know about scoring a goal in ice hockey (a subject on which I'm equally limited) comes from this 1979 disco extravaganza.

Backed by a group of ladies (or more likely one lady with her voice multiplied several times) who are forced to dramatically chant absurd words like "deke" and "hesitate" like their lives depend on it, Guy is thorough in his instructions on how in the unlikely event of finding yourself playing for the Montreal Canadiens you might go about not making a fool of yourself.

As far as useful instructional songs go it might have been better to get a pilot in to do a disco thumper detailing how to land a commercial airplane in an emergency, but if you're a hockey fan you might learn something from his laid-back conversational style of explaining the subtleties of his sport.

Interspersed with encouragement from the backing singers that "you can do it" and that "all you've gotta do is try", Lafleur details not only the stick technique that (apparently) saw him score 560 goals during his career, but also outlines the joy he takes in mentally dominating the league's hapless goaltenders.

By the end they were clearly running out of money for re-takes and don't bother to call him back in to clear up some phrases which are basicially indecipherable due to his French Canadian accent, but the track deserves recognition for the use of words like "predetermine" and "deflection" which may never have been used in a song ever again.

Kevin Keegan - Head Over Heels In Love (1979)

While Lafleur was mastering the art of disco across the Atlantic a poodle haired Keegan was marking the prime of his career by releasing a song so weedy it's almost painful.

Making his bid to simultaneously win a Leo Sayer lookalike competition, Kevin dons testicle clamping white pants and gamely attempts to smile through what was probably the lowest moment of his life until giving this interview. No doubt he wouldn't have been as calm had he known that the lights behind him were going to make it look like had giant technicolour wings.

Like most sportspeople handed a microphone and a page full of ordinary lyrics he's at his best in the passably musical chorus but unable to fully mask the horrors of the verses. His life force seems to ebb away in the last few seconds while he struggles to the end, with the lack of cutaway shots to the studio audience 'heard' clapping in mechanical fashion at the start seeming to prove that the whole thing was a tremendous swizz and that he was actually performing in a tin shed near Accrington.

To disprove any claims that "in 1977 punk changed everything" the track reached #31 in the UK charts - and an even more respectable #10 in Germany where he was based at the time. Shame.

Glenn and Chris - Diamond Lights (1985)

Unfashionable it may be, but close your eyes and pretend it's not two of England's most criminally underrated players of their era singing this but a proper musical act and against all odds its quite good. For the mid 80's. That's still no excuse for opening themselves up to a lifetime of ridicule by being roped into performing it live on Top Of The Pops though.

Clearly nobody forwarded the memo to Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle that when sportsmen performed songs they were supposed to either be absurdly over the top so we could all look in on the joke or perform an 'aw shucks' cutesy track a'la Keegan. Instead they teamed up to channel their inner Spandau Ballet, with surprisingly positive results.

It's nothing without the live performance on Top Of The Pops though, Hoddle having the absolutely undisputed time of his life while Waddle stares nervously into the distance hoping the studio is going to collapse while somebody smacks some hexagonal drums in the background.

With a World Cup on the horizon they somehow managed to get all the way to #12. Sadly England's inferior 1986 World Cup 'anthem' downplays their contribution and instead gives equal time to less successful recording 'artists' such as Peter Reid and Kenny Sansom.

Both men would later leave a Britain that didn't appreciate their talents (at football, not singing) and play in France, where sadly they were located in different parts of the country and were unable to resume their duties as England's answer to Hall & Oates. We were even denied a follow-up single as it was withdrawn due to Glenn going overseas and being unable to promote it. Thankfully the music video survives if only for the appalling sight of Hoddle necking with some new romantic trashbag.

Eventually each of them did something that made everyone forget Diamond Lights (at least until YouTube came along). Chris put England out of a World Cup, Glenn made his squad read a book about faith healing and said things about disabled people which caused him to be given the boot as manager of England. Time is well overdue for a stage comeback by both men.

The Chicago Bears - Superbowl Shuffle (1985)


Of all approximately 97 trillion ridiculous videos which can be found on YouTube for some reason this isn't one of them, and if that's not because the people in it are trying to wipe it off the face of the planet I'd be surprised.

I always liked to think that "every day I'm shuffling" song applied to this clip, a room full of football players rapping in styles best described as 'industrial'. Apparently they taped it before the Superbowl and were scared to death of it getting out in the event that they lost. It was the world's loss that they actually won and it got an even wider airing rather than being lost for 25 years until turning up on YouTube.

While the players who nobody cared about were forced up the back to pretend they're 'drumming' or are reduced to shuffling awkwardly from side to side, the stars of the Bears are sent up front to deliver ridiculous statements like Walter Payton's assertion that they're not trying to win the Superbowl to be greedy but to 'feed the needy'. Which must have come as welcome news to the actual needy of 1985 until they found out it got them nothing but the right to have good feelings about football.

So it goes for the best part of six long minutes, through sax solos, various horrific performances and the best of mid 80's special effects. It's noticeable that other than the star quarterback who was obligated to perform there's only one other token performance by a white man and he dances like he's in an iron lung.

Sadly the success of the song led to an onslaught of similar tracks, including the Miami Dolphins straight lifting U Can't Touch This and the late Los Angeles Rams' single entendre classic 'Ram It' where I'm sure they know they're basically using their club's name to suggest sexual intercourse.

The stars of the American Wrestling Alliance - The Wrestlerock Rumble (1986)

By the late-80's the AWA would be reduced to ashes by shithouse management and Vince McMahon stealing all their top talent for the WWF, but the company was still holding on to relevance by their fingertips in 1986. McMahon was about to completely steamroll them, but the AWA still had one ace up their sleeve - an arena show backed by a jaunty jingle.

The company had written its own death warrant by treating wrestling audiences of the 80's as if it were still the 60's or 70's, and by not making Hulk Hogan (shortly to become one of the most recognisable celebrities in the US) their top man when they employed him, so it was no surprise that their attempt to ride the coattails of the surprisingly successful Superbowl Shuffle turned out to be a bit of a farce. The Shuffle surely only 'succeeded' because the team were winners, while in comparison by this point the AWA's territory had shrunk to not much more than one casino in Las Vegas and the state of Minnesota.

The first mistake was opening with an intro (rapped of course) by the whitest man this side of Kevin Keegan. It didn't help that the promotion seemingly didn't employ one single black man who could (stereotypically) be relied upon to carry the show. They do, however, know what men who like wrestling also like and there are random appearances throughout from the stars of a production called 'Playboy's Girls Of Rock Roll' which was apparently on at Las Vegas' Maxim Hotel. Probably in the car park.

It's not all disastrous though. I must have watched this clip 5000 times, and after Ken Resnick's interpretive dance introduction the first actual grapplers to appear are not all that bad given the shocking material they're forced to work with. The Midnight Rockers were probably completely wasted when they recorded this (as they were most of the time) but they put in a reasonable stint ruined only by the background footage where it looks like they're trying to abduct children from a birthday party.

But they're young and 'with it', so it's understandable that they can sort of master the newfangled art of rapping. More surprisingly successful is the whole hearted performance by Sheik Adnan, manager of wildman Bruiser Brody (later stabbed to death backstage in Puerto Rico), who despite his relatively old age delivers the goods thanks to not being given anything too stupid to say.

Compare and contrast to Jerry Blackwell. The man who is later seen demonstrating his splashing technique on a wooden board is saddled with giant white headphones to prove he was in the studio singing live, but no amount of production twiddling and the pushing up and down of knobs could save him from sinking without a trace. He's screwed over again when a slow motion replay of the plank destruction shows that it's wafer thin and set up in a way that any sort of downward pressure would cause it to collapse.

Greg Gagne performs as only the son of the owner possibly could without being asked to leave, even throwing in a big 'whoooo!' at the end so you know he's having significant amounts of fun. He was until he started seeing their bank statements.

Once Greg's out of the way we're treated to the sight of Scott 'Razor Ramon' Hall and Curt 'Mr Perfect' Hennig stepping out of a pool and issuing threats to The Longriders - who you know weren't going to win because they weren't invited to participate in the Wrestlerock Rumble, but still got to go 27 minutes with the tag champs which goes some way to explaining why the company was about to cark it. This is followed by footage of Curt and Scott 'randomly' meeting Shawn Michaels and what appears to be a barely legal teenage female outside a casino, presumably because she hasn't been able to provide adequate ID to get inside.

Best on ground is clearly Nick Bockwinkel. Once again you could see why the company was going under when he was challenging for their title at god knows what age, but being one of the most underrated promo men of all time he rose above substandard lyrics to deliver a performance of rare class while sensibly refusing to be filmed actually singing. It should be noted that his opponent Stan Hansen is not in the video either, but that's because Stan was a legitimately ornery character who spent most of his time in Japan and eventually took the AWA belt there 'in real life' and refused to give it back, forcing them to strip him of the title and putting another nail in the coffin of the promotion. Speaking of nails to the coffin Bockwinkel vs Hansen got all of 10 minutes for the World Title and was the fourth last match of the card.

In the midst of all this there's a lot of sleazing going on between wrestlers and Playboy's Girls of Rock and Roll. The chief offender, to nobody's surprise, is Shawn Michaels.

Following closely behind Bockwinkel in terms of performance is Larry Zbyszko, a man who clearly understands the absurdity of it all and delivers his lines impeccably (including threatening to beat his opponent 'into a bundle' because it sort of rhymes with 'rumble') before leaving with a flourish that has to be seen to be believed.

His opponent on the other hand has absolutely no idea what he's doing, and there's a reason that nobody's ever heard of Scott Le Doux since 1986. He's not helped by his wooden delivery and the fact that he's the second person who has to use 'mumble' as a rhyme because they've run out.

It's a shame that we had to end on a such a low note, because while Jim Cornette's evisceration of the segment has its points the worst damage is done by Le Doux and poor old, ancient Verne Gagne himself - destroying any claim of Ken Resnick to be the whitest man alive with the oldest rap ever committed to tape until that old lady turned up in The Wedding Singer. Ken's back for another shot at the gold to wrap the Rumble up but there's no way he can get past Verne - there's almost no way anybody could get past Verne, the guy was 60 going on 90 and still booked himself in the second last match of the evening. Nails, coffins etc..

There was clearly no lack of ambition left in them at this point, scheduling their show for the enormous Hubert H Humphrey Metrodome and the AWA's answer to Wrestlemania II was a reasonable success, with 23,000 people through the gate, but they would never promote another show in a 'stadium' again - shifting their TV tapings back to the Showboat Casino in Las Vegas and when that fell over into an empty studio where they would die shortly after broadcasting a Turkey On A Pole match.

The Matchroom Mob - Snooker Loopy (1986)

In a way this is the worst song ever written, but in another way it's pure bloody singalong genius and will teach you how to play snooker like no instructional 'Snooker for Dummies' style book.

With all the top players signed up to the one manager, later introduced in the song presumably because he's bankrolling it, somebody obviously had the bright idea to make a quid off them and wheeled in music hall Cockney entertainers Chas and Dave to provide musical accompaniment. Thus we're treated to short profiles of each man where after their various traits (being Italian, being Welsh, being bald, being blind, being a choker) are listed he gets to sing the last line himself - in an endearing but universally tuneless fashion.

In between each profile we're treated to a chorus of self-conscious snookerists (especially the guy with the glasses who is not at all having a good time) suggesting that "we'll show you what we can do with a load of balls and a snooker cue" in a moment which confirms that this deserved to go much higher than #6 on the UK singles charts before revealing the correct order in which one must pot the balls.

As the clip on YouTube was uploaded from a "Ultimate 100 Really Bad Songs" countdown an additional highlight is all the comments on the video abusing whatever obscure station TMF is for including it. Seeing this - possibly on the same "worst songs" countdown - was the highlight of my trip to England.

Carl Lewis - Break It Up (1987)

Years before he did what all good US celebrities do and massacred the national anthem Carl Lewis had already released a song, and upon listening it's hard to see why they even invited him to sing the anthem in the first place.

Set against backing music lifted straight from a Sega Master System game the clip is interspersed with highlights from Carl's storied career and shots of him working out in a gym while singing the song in jazz ballet fashion while being surrounded by a bevy of beautiful fit women.

It's no Snooker Loopy, but his hip wiggling performance is worth seeing until a bubble blowing granny turns up and starts harassing him while he's working out. Fair enough I suppose, but the next thing you know they're canoodling in a spa where it appears he's the one try to seduce her while the lovely young ladies sit around watching. Celebrity kink at its best. God only knows why but eventually they nick off to the sauna where granny sticks a "do not disturb" sign on the door, suggesting that actual god's honest shagging was taking place between one of the world's greatest athletes and an elderly woman.

The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers - All American Boys (1988)

Sure as a WWF theme song it wasn't meant to be serious, and wasn't offered for public sale but a) what a theme and b) what a photo. The villanious Jacques and Raymond were doing a gimmick where despite being horrible, cheating French Canadian heels (unlike Guy Lafleur who was nothing but a helpful good guy) they pretended to love all things American - including expressing a preference for Barry Manilow over Rock and Roll. Game, set and match.

As far as wrestlers singing goes there's also Slick's Jive Soul Bro, probably the most racist thing Vince McMahon has ever produced. Which is saying something.

Gazza - Fog On The Tyne (1990)

Shortly before he turned into a hopelessly addicted alcoholic and violent wife-beater Paul Gascoigne was the most popular man on the face of the earth. In the wake of World Cup Semi Final tears when he realised a booking would keep him out of the final (thanks to old Diamond Lights Chris Waddle himself for making it a non-issue in the shootout) he became a true housewives favourite and probably the only Spurs player other than Jurgen Klinsmann who anybody has had even the slightest interest in since.

As his celebrity status went through the roof Gazza was wheeled out for something different, a cover of a Geordie classic from the 70's with the original band backing him. With a hypnotic beat in the background and an infectious arms in the air dance to go along with it the song opens with a mention of 'sucking sausage rolls' and while it never gets 'good' it has got something appealing about it. He can't sing, and it's a bit odd having him sing what a proud Geordie he is when he'd chucked Newcastle for Spurs two seasons earlier but while I wouldn't choose it as one of my desert island discs I'd certainly go into bat for Gazza's enigmatic performance ahead of many other successful pop songs in the following 23 years.

Then he did this, went to Italy, did this,scored an iconic goal for England, hit his wife a lot and took some chicken and a fishing rod on his quest to find a killer. He's not doing all that well these days.

Rounding out the Gazza discography was his #31 1991 'hit' Gazza Rap, where for some reason he's not wearing a shirt.

Sadly not going into the 90's doesn't allow us to look at snooker player Steve Ebdon's David Brent-esque "I Am A Clown", voted (by somebody) as the 'worst song of 1996'. Wait, yes it does.

Monday, 10 June 2013

Triple J Hottest 100 of the last 20 years - TSP version

Safe in the knowledge that I'd be disappointed through nobody's fault other than my own I resisted involving myself in this countdown until about #29, when I just happened to be in the car in a foreign city and landed on a station playing Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand.

A quality tune indeed, and even when it finished and some community radio standard DJ's indulged in a cringeworthy interview with the guy from Franz it didn't diminish my enjoyment of the song. I know as well as you do that there are at least 100 great songs to be found from the Hottest 100's of 1993 to 2012, but the problem is that in a public vote it's highly unlikely that mine was going to look anything like theirs, yours or anybody else's.

So, after Franz ushered in a number of pox songs in a row - topped off with Wonder fucking Wall at #1 I thought I'd do what self-indulgent people everywhere do best and give you my own list. The only difference to the original is that I only chose out of songs that had been previously selected for the top 100 in the eligible years (unlike Triple J themselves who absurdly allowed any old song released in that time, because they're for the tip - and if that were the case I'd like to include The Libertines THANKS) and the views and opinions of some hillbilly from Bunbury were not considered.

Also it's not my fault that some bizarre songs were voted in to start with. Blame Australia in whatever year. Each track listed below represents a stage of my life that was in total shambles (1993 to 2003) or varying degrees thereafter, even if there are some songs that I didn't realise I liked until years later - rest assured that I was living a farcical life upon its release and brief radio fame.

Please note - before writing in to complain - that this is my personal opinion and I don't care if you enjoy the works of Muse or Hilltop Hoods, because I wouldn't pish on either of them if they were alight. Also nothing by Tool was included because despite every man and their dog waffling on about them for 20 years I'm still not sure who they are or what they do.

And on that note,

100. Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get (1994)
99. Angelique Kidjo - Wombo Lombo (1996)
98. Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun (1994)
97. U2 - Lemon (1993)
96. REM - The Great Beyond (2000)
95. Cornership - Brimful Of Asha (1997)
94. The White Stripes - Hotel Yorba (2001)
93. The Killers - Mr Brightside (2004)
92. The Cure - Wrong Number (1997)
91. Silverchair - Tomorrow (1994)
90. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream (2008)
89. Primitive Radio Gods - Standing Outside A Broken Phonebooth with Money In My Hand (1996)
88. Blur - For Tomorrow (1993)
87. Blink 182 - All The Small Things (1999)
86. Placebo - Every You, Every Me (1999)
85. 2Pac - California Love (1996)
84. Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm (1994)
83. TISM - (He'll Never Be An) Old Man River (1995)
82. Faker - Hurricane (2005)
81. Ben Folds Five - Brick (1998)
80. Silverchair - The Greatest View (2002)
79. The Whitlams - Melbourne (1998)
78. Offspring - Self Esteem (1994)
77. REM - E-Bow The Letter (1996)
76. Metallica - Until It Sleeps (1996)
75. The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So (2002)
74. Daft Punk - Harder Better Faster Stronger (2007)
73. MGMT - Electric Feel (2008)
72. The Living End - All Town Down (1999)
71. Kasabian - Shoot The Runner (2007)
70. TISM - Whatareya? (1998)
69. Custard - Apartment (1995)
68. Rancid - Time Bomb (1995)
67. Passion Pit - Take A Walk (2012)
66. Blink 182 - What's My Age Again (1999)
65. Garbage - Vow (1995)
64. You Am I - Purple Sneakers (1995)
63. Utah Saints - Something Good (1993)
62. Pavement - Cut Your Hair (1994)
61. Moloko - Sing It Back (1999)
60. Beastie Boys - Intergalactic (1998)
59. Max Sharam - Coma (1994)
58. James - Laid (1994)
57. Grinspoon - Just Ace (1998)
56. Green Day - Hitchin' A Ride (1997)
55. Blur - Parklife (1994)
54. White Town - Your Woman (1997)
53. The Strokes - Hard To Explain (2001)
52. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion (2006)
51. Catatonia - Road Rage (1998)
50. Moloko - The Time Is Now (1999)
49. White Zombie - More Human Than Human (1995)
48. Tricky - Black Steel (1995)
47. The Caulfield's - Devil's Diary (1995)
46. Ash - Goldfinger (1996)
45. Franz Ferdinand - The Fallen (2005)
44. Green Day - Longview (1994)
43. Regurgitator - Blubber Boy (1995)
42. Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor (2005)
41. Korn - Got The Life (1998)
40. Tumbleweed - Hang Around (1995)
39. Alice In Chains - Rooster (1993)
38. Warren G and Nate Dogg - Regulate (1994)
37. The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army (2003)
36. Something With Numbers - Apple Of The Eye (Lay Me Down) (2006)
35. The Prodigy - Breathe (1996)
34. End Of Fashion - O Yeah (2005)
33. Stone Temple Pilots - Vaseline (1994)
32. REM - Man On The Moon (1993)
31. The Killers - Somebody Told Me (2004)
30. Regina Spektor - Fidelity (2006)
29. Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage (2003)
28. Pulp - Disco 2000 (1996)
27. Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You (1998)
26. Nada Surf - Popular (1996)
25. Skunk Anansie - I Can Dream (1995)
24. Beck - Loser (1994)
23. REM - What's The Frequency Kenneth? (1994)
22. Faith No More - Ashes To Ashes (1997)
21. Bloc Party - Helicopter (2005)
20. Rammstein - Stripped (1999)
19. Beck - Sexx Laws (1999)
18. New Order - Crystal (2001)
17. Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box (1993)
16. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out (2004)
15. You Am I - Berlin Chair (1994)
14. Portishead - Glorybox (1995)
13. Pulp - Common People (1995)
12. Alice In Chains - Grind (1995)
11. Beastie Boys - Sabotage (1994)
10. Faith No More - Evidence (1995)
9. Modest Mouse - Float On (1994)
8. The Whitlams - No Aphrodisiac (1997)
7. Urge Overkill - Sister Havana (1993)
6. TISM - Greg! The Stop Sign (1995)
5. The Strokes - Last Nite (2001)
4. Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet With Butterfly Wings (1995)
3. Manic Street Preachers - If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next (1998)
2. Oasis - Morning Glory (1995)
1. Suede - Animal Nitrate (1993)

Also considered (with varying degrees of seriousness)
Blind Melon - No Rain (1993)
Porno For Pyros - Pets (1993)
Radiohead - Creep (1993)
Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name (1993)
Sub Sub - Ain't No Love (Ain't No Use) (1993)
The Cruel Sea - The Honeymoon Is Over (1993)
The Shamen - Ebeneezer Goode (1993)
U2 - Numb (1993)
Francis Dunnery - American Life In The Summertime (1994)
Green Day - Basket Case (1994)
Ini Kamoze - Here Comes The Hotstepper (1994)
L7 - Andres (1994)
Live - I Alone (1994)
Nine Inch Nails - Closer (1994)
Nirvana - About A Girl (1994)
Offspring - Come Out And Play (1994)
Soundgarden - Spoonman (1994)
Tori Amos - Cornflake Girl (1994)
Everclear - Heroin Girl (1995)
Natalie Merchant - Carnival (1995)
Ash - Oh Yeah (1996)
Beck - Where It's At (1996)
Butthole Surfers - Pepper (1996)
Everclear - Santa Monica (1996)
Fun Loving Criminals - Scooby Snacks (1996)
The Prodigy - Firestarter (1996)
The Whitlams - I Make Hamburgers (1996)
Tori Amos - Professional Widow (1996)
Underworld - Born Slippy (NUXX) (1996)
Weezer - El Scorcho (1996)
Arkana - Future's Overrated (1997)
Blink 182 - Dammit (1997)
Blur - Song 2 (1997)
Everclear - Everything To Everyone (1997)
Grinspoon - DCX3 (1997)
Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People (1997)
Portishead - All Mine (1997)
Primus - Shake Hands With Beef (1997)
The Cardigans - Lovefool (1997)
The Tea Party - Temptation (1997)
Barenaked Ladies - One Week (1998)
Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta (1998)
Hole - Celebrity Skin (1998)
Marcy Playground - Sex And Candy (1998)
Massive Attack - Teardrop (1998)
Shimmer - Fuel (1998)
You Am I - Heavy Heart (1998)
Bob Marley vs Funkstar Deluxe - Sun Is Shining (1999)
Stone Temple Pilots - Sour Girl (2000)
U2 - Beautiful Day (2000)
Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At (2001)
The Strokes - New York City Cops (2001)
Weezer - Island In The Sun (2001)
Grinspoon - Lost Control (2002)
The Streets - Has It Come To This (2002)
Belle & Sebastien - Step Into My Office Baby (2003)
Chicks On Speed - We Don't Play Guitars (2003)
The Killers - Smile Like You Mean It (2004)
The White Stripes - Jolene (2004)
Babyshambles - Fuck Forever (2005)
Bloc Party - Two More Years (2005)
Martha Wainwright - Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole (2005)
The Saboteurs - Steady As She Goes (2005)
Arctic Monkeys - When The Sun Goes Down (2006)
Lily Allen - LDN (2006)
Lily Allen - Smile (2006)
Arctic Monkeys - Brianstorm (2007)
Klaxons - Golden Skans (2007)
MIA - Paper Planes (2007)
The White Stripes - Icky Thump (2007)
Lily Allen - The Fear (2008)
MGMT - Time To Pretend (2008)
Deadma5 and Rob Swire - Ghosts 'n Stuff (2009)
Kasabian - Fire (2009)
Kasabian - Underdog (2009)
Lily Allen - Not Fair (2009)
Ou Est Le Swimming Pool - Dance The Way I Feel (2010)
Miike Snow - Paddling Out (2012)

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

TSP's Top of 50 of 2012

It's that time of the year again. Well, actually it's that time of 2012 but I held on for an extra month longer than usual waiting for something - anything - to rescue what otherwise proved to be a dreary year for music.

Dreary for me anyway. You might have loved it, and god bless if you did, but the amount of boat floatage on the Mercado stereo was remarkably low. This coming from somebody who once rated a My Chemical Romance song #1 for the year.

All that in a year where Spotify came along and made it even easier to listen to a million new tracks considering now you didn't even have to go to the effort of spending five minutes 'downloading' something only to find out it was crap.

Previous results (now with handy links to the full countdown so you can boo eight different collections)

2005
1. Kaiser Chiefs - I Predict A Riot
2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure
3. Goldfrapp - Ooh La La
4. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
5. Bloc Party - Helicopter

2006
1. The Young Knives - Here Comes The Rumor Mill
2. Giant Drag - This Isn’t It
3. Silvia Night - Congratulations
4. Lily Allen - LDN
5. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

2007
1. The Hold Steady - Chips Ahoy!
2. New Young Pony Club - Ice Cream
3. The Teenagers - Homecoming
4. Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent
5. Jack Penate - Spit At Stars

2008
1. Lethal Bizzle - The Come Up
2. Neon Neon - Luxury Pool
3. MGMT - Electric Feel
4. Empire Of The Sun - Walking On A Dream
5. Fryars - Olive Eyes

2009
1. N.A.S.A - Spacious Thoughts (featuring Tom Waits and Kool Keith)
2. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll
3. Boy Crisis - The Fountain of Youth
4. Bat For Lashes - Daniel
5. Low Fidelity All Stars - The Good Times

2010
1. My Chemical Romance - Bulletproof Heart
2. Goldfrapp - Rocket
3. Lena - Satellite
4. Keane - Stop For A Minute (featuring K'naan)
5. Paul Heaton - Even A Palm Tree

2011
1. REM - Discoverer
2. MEN - Credit Card Babies (Stereogamous Remix)
3. The Strokes - Taken For A Fool
4. Dutch Uncles - The Ink
5. Calvin Harris and Kelis - Bounce

God knows what's happened to about 90% of the acts listed above. How many careers can we bury tonight? And now please welcome our host, this guy.

Photobucket
 
Usual rules apply. Two songs per artist maximum, no covers (although having said that...) and in six months time anything that finished under 20th will be completely wiped from my memory. All rulings are final.


50. Palma Violets - Best of Friends

The latest saviours of rock. I didn't get sucked in by The Vaccines, can't see myself falling for this one either. Bring back The Strokes or The Libertines or GTFO.

49. Fool's Gold - Surprise Hotel

Sounds like an A Certain Ratio b-side, but hey it's been that kind of year. A pleasant tune. If The Cat Empire had come back and released it I'd have spat upon it.

48. The Phenomeonal Handclap Band - Following


47. The Killers - Battle Born

I like the song, but they're trying a little too hard to be emotional and atmospheric. There's a time and a place for power ballads, and it's not on every single song.

Previous entries (2):
2005, Somebody Told Me #4
2006, When You Were Young #28

46. Deadmau5 - Professional Griefers

Just when you thought you were clear for an entire top 50 without one My Chemical Romance reference, it's old mate ex-emo on guest vocals. Would undoubtedly be even better if you were 'refreshed' when listening to it.

Previous entries (1):
2009 - Ghosts 'n Stuff #6

45. Patterson Hood - Disappear
Him from Drive-By Truckers does a Drive-By Truckers song. Rest of the band not required.

44. Leonard Cohen - The Darkness

Laughin' Len strikes again.


43. North Sea Scrolls - I Am Falconetti
Luke Haines in 'not quite as good as his other concept albums' concept album. Also features some other people who are not Luke Haines and therefore not half as interesting.

42. Bob Dylan - Long And Wasted Years
Same thing he's been doing well for the last ten years since he stopped being shite again. Beware searching for it on YouTube, you'll just get a page of dickheads doing presumably terrible covers.

Previous entries (1):
2009, It's All Good #50

41. The Hives - I Want More

Indeed he does. Of everything. Is apparently on the NHL 13 soundtrack, which is as good as a place for it as any.


 40. Saint Etienne - Over The Border

Like a much welcomed Black Box Recorder revival.

39. Azari & III - Into The Night

I have no idea if there actually is an 80's house revival, but if there is this should be at the forefront of it.

38. Goldfrapp - Yellow Halo

Frau Frapp remains as admirably bonkers as ever, but I can't be the only one secretly wishing she goes back to doing dancefloor stompers at some point.

The good news for her is that she's hanging on to the record of most previous appearances in the TSp 30/100/50 ever, so that should be uplifting for her.

Previous entries (6):
2005 - Ooh La La #3, Slide In #9
2008 - Happiness #39, Cologne Cerrone Houdini #48
2010 - Alive #32, Rocket #2

37. Leonard Cohen - Going Home

Old man knows he's on the way out, chats to himself about himself. Magic ensues. And would we all not want to be referred to as "a sportsman and a scholar" after we're gone?

36. Bloc Party - Truth

A return to form seven years later.

Previous entries (3):
2005, Helicopter #5, Two More Years #10, Price Of Gas #14

35. Chairlift - Take It Out On Me

Hello 1984, pleased to meet you. Needs a Hall & Oates cover. Possibly the first song ever to make the top 50 by a band named after ski field infrastructure.

34. Tribes - We Were Children

It's got to the point where people are doing songs reminiscing about being "children in the mid 90's". My god I'm old *leaps from window*.

33. Nada Surf - Clear Eye Clouded Mind

Bet you didn't think they were still going etc.. etc..

32. Bruce Spingsteen - Wrecking Ball

It's about a stadium. Of course it is. Song is three years old, album only came out this year. LOOPHOLE.

31. Wounded Lion - Raincheck Vibrations

Slow to get going, then references not only The Love Boat but also Batman being cock blocked by the Boy Wonder. Video can only be described as bizarre.

30. King Charles - Bam Bam

A flat out dumb song. This is a good thing. See, for instance, Surfin' Bird before Family Guy ruined it. You'll want to slap the shit out of the guy who sings it though.

29. Haim - Better Off

Three sisters who sound like Fleetwood Mac if all the men were given the boot.

28. Hospitality - Betty Wang


27. North Sea Scrolls - Broadmoor Blues Delta
More Haines, but not as good as when he sang about British wrestlers or German terrorists.

26. Nite Jewel - One Second Of Love

It's practically Italo Disco, and for the uninitiated this is a good thing.

25. AC Newman - Hostages
Him out of The New Pornographers. Warning - does not contain any actual hostage rescue scenarios.

24. Amanda Palmer - The Killing Type

For mine she had the world at her feet at this point before chucking it all away to be a wacky ukulele player and zitherist. This is a step back in the right direction. Video doesn't end at all pleasantly.

23. General Fiasco - Sleep


22. Sleigh Bells - Comeback Kid

Hotly tipped hipster's choice a couple of years ago when they came out to do the festival circuit. Fuck the festival circuit.

21. Public Service Broadcasting - Spitfire

Really belongs to the 1943 Top 50 considering it's just samples of World War II types, but it sounds good so in it goes. With a bullet if you like.

20. Elton John vs PNAU - Sad

Technically not a cover! New song based on bits of old songs! Stuff the rules, this was my favourite album of the year. According to YouTube this got played live on the X Factor Australia, but I will forgive it that.

19. Hot Natured & Ali Love - Benediction

Oh, it's the 80's dance revival again. Do come in.

18. Dexys - I'm Always Gonna Love You

In which Kevin Rowland, the man who once dressed like this in front of a festival audience (and got bottled for his troubles), reforms Dexy's Midnight Runners and sings a song where for the first half he's tenderly declaring his love to some strumpet before changing his mind halfway through and being abused by her for the rest of the song. Delightfully barmy.

17. Metric - Youth Without Youth

Good clean fun.

Previous entries (1):
2009 - Gimme Sympathy #11

16. Miike Snow - Paddling Out

I have the sneaking suspicion that I'm supposed to hate this guy for some reason, but even if he does turn out to throw kittens into rivers or similar I will still love this track despite having NFI what it all means.

15. Saint Etienne - I've Got Your Music

This is not the Saint Etienne I know and sort of liked. It's much better. Beware: homemade video features some slightly terrifying characters.

14. Martha Wainwright - I Wanna Make An Arrest

She's a warbler, but it's not without it's charms.

Previous entries (1):
2005 - BMFA, #23

13. The View - The Clock

Good debut, slop second album but back to something approaching their best now that they've decided to stop being pisswrecks for a living and have gotten back to songs.

I refuse to listen to the rest of the album because it's called "Cheeky For A Reason", which leads me to suspect that this might be a once off.

Previous entries (1):
2007 - Same Jeans (#48)

12. Bloc Party - Kettling

There's more than a hint of Rik from The Young Ones "People's Poet" style "LET'S WRITE ONE FOR THE KIDS!" about this. However it is by a significant margin still the best thing they've done since their debut album.

Previous entries (3):
2005 - Helicopter #5, Two More Years #10, Price Of Gas #14

11. Escort - Cameleon Chamelon

At the risk of somebody leaping up from my behind my computer and yelling "POOF!" I'll admit a secret love of disco. And this is disco. Sure it's about four years old, but due to a series of scams involving not being on an album for years, and then being re-released it qualifies here.

10. Bobby Womack - Stupid

Jaw dropping stuff when you consider that he's 68, survived cancer and has Alzheimer's. Even without the back story this is still a magic track.

9. Haim - Don't Save Me

Big future etc.. etc..Fleetwood without beards etc.. etc..

8. Citizens - Caroline
Big, dumb, shoutalong choruses for ALL.

7. Passion Pit - Take A Walk 

Seems like they're on about an immigrant making plenty of money, losing it all and then necking himself. A tender story I'm sure you'll agree. Cracking song but.

6. Plan B featuring John Cooper Clarke - Pity The Plight

John Cooper Clarke + remarkably violent film dialogue. How can you go wrong? Plan B strikes me as a potential #shitbloke, but he makes good tunes.

Previous entries (2):
2010 - Welcome To Hell #12, Stay Too Long #30

5. Elton John vs PNAU - Black Icy Stare


Another 'cut' (as the kids would say) off the album of the year. Say yes to more of this sort of thing.


4. Jim Noir - Ping Pong Time Tennis
Absolutely barmy, possibly recorded by a madman. Reminscent of the best of The Fall.

3. Plan B - Deepest Shame

Finally white man rap provides something of use for the first time since Eminem's mate shoved his wife in the boot of the car and drove her off the bridge. Long story short, life is shit - give up.

Previous entries (1)
2010 - Stay Too Long #30

2. Escort - Cocaine Blues

Not only does this qualify through suspect manipulation of the arcane TSP Top 50 eligiblity rules (see #9), but it's also practically a cover of Cocaine In My Brain by Dillinger. But (see also the Elton vs PNAU clause) it's different enough

1.  Loreen - Euphoria

Hello, it's secret dance music fan Adam here again. The only thing wrong with dance music is the suggestion that you should dance to it, much less in the company of sweaty strangers - but this could almost make me fire up.

Eurovision has a habit of delivering one or two killer songs in the midst of all the euroslop, and this is the third time a song (all female artists if you're counting) has cracked my top five - but the first time they've managed to finish above third. To be honest I didn't even thing

Had it been a chartbound supersmash a'la Call Me Maybe no doubt I would have forced myself to hate it, but it wasn't (not in this country anyway) so I reserve the right to sing along like the biggest ponce alive every time I hear it. Wouldn't have made #1 most other years, but you can only beat who you're put up against - so congratulations mysterious Swedish woman (and more importantly whoever wrote it) on a job well done.