Fantasy Eurovision 2009 - Results Spectacular

*Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to Wimbledon dog track for the startling conclusion to this year's night of nights. And here's your host... Ugly Dave"



"Ere, I'm back. You know last week after the show I walked into a bar. Didn't 'alf 'urt. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, let's get on with it. Me mother in law is outside and she'll just die if I don't take her for a walk. Hur, hur, hur. Anyway, if you want to recap the acts one more time go here. Otherwise as the results come in we'll be joined by some often casually racist stereotypes for their reactions. Are you ready? Well let's start with last, because they're the furthest away from first."

23. Greece - Diamanda Galas : 0 points

Deep shock and resentment there in Athens. The selection committee will surely now be wondering if they should have gone for Yanni and his blistering synth pop moustache instead of a wailing crazy woman.

=22. England - The Members : 8 points

A very poor showing for the English, but aren't the fans taking it well? As is so often the case for the English it's a bottom five finish. Would Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark have done any better? We'll never know.

=22. Scotland - The Proclaimers : 8 points

Shockingly poor result for one of the favourites of the competition, and look the Scottish fans have come all the way to Wembley Stadium to protest about it.

20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - : 9 points

Shock in rural Ireland as their favourite sons go down to a heavy defeat. Father Ted unavailable for comment due to being, err, dead.

19. Spain - Las Ketchup : 13 points

There's Don Flamenco. Noted Spanish boxer and Nintendo character. He's not at all pleased but did stop to tell us that it's not his fault that his country have produced bugger all decent pop artists.

18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban : 18 points

A poor result for the singing dentist from the land of the Tulip.

17. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - : 21 points

Poor result for the sleaziest Frenchman ever born. His understudy, however, has found time to chat up a young girl in Serge's honor. The great man himself did have time to give this victory speech from beyond the grave.

16. Romania - Enigma : 24 points

It's over to Bucharest, where they haven't had much to smile about since the fall of Ceacescu, and that won't change tonight as the song that a million babies was concieved to fails to finish in the top half. Food rationing for all.

=14. Norway - A-ha : 25 points

Shocking scenes in Oslo where everybody asks "Surely we'd won if they'd picked Take On Me". Well, that's not the way it works kids.

=14. Portugal - Rui Da Silva : 25 points

Obscure artist in 'better than expected' shock. Portuguese national football team said to be "thrilled" at being included due to the lack of any actual Portugal related stereotypes than didn't involve Angolans and machine guns.

13. East Germany - Nina Hagen : 27 points

Wild scenes in East Berlin! The hometown girl has beaten almost half of Europe and they're jumping for joy!

12. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey : 31 points

News just in from Belfast, TISM have been recruited to fill this slot next year.

11. Moldova - O-Zone : 34 points

Possibly anti-Numa Numa backlash causes best foreign bubblegum language pop song of the millenium to fail to crack the top ten. This young lady's not too concerned though, all she's worried about is having to go back there.

10. Austria - Falco : 35 points

It's Don't Turn Around, Der Koroner's in town for the Austrian Eurovision tilt this year.

=6. Italy - Albert One : 38 points

Even massive corruption and gangland activity couldn't drive this porky italo disco classic to top spot. The above gentleman are working on an entry which we hope to be seeing in 25-40 years.

=6. Denmark - Aqua : 38 points

Strangely these guys don't seem to be that concerned about Denmark's failure.

=6. Iceland - The Sugarcubes : 38 points

Music by Bjork, jumpers by Daryl Somers. Strong result for the eccentric, and suddenly bankrupt, island nation.

=6. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand : 38 points

Nobody knows what a Belgian looks like, so we invited his Royal Majesty King Albert II to do the honours. He said in a statement "France, Belgium and Germany - suck on this"

5. West Germany - The Real McCoy : 40 points

Celebrations and drunken slurring all around for the highest finish of the "big four" nations. Clearly a more crowd pleasing choice than the semi-final runner up "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions.

4. Switzerland - DJ Otzi : 43 points

Strange things happen when you Google Image search for the Swiss Navy.

3. Wales - Catatonia : 46 points

No, it's not a late entry from the Black and White Minstrel Show. Because that, unlike showing pictures of Moldovan prostitutes, would be racist. No, it's just some Welsh miners showing their glee at finishing in the coveted third position on the night.

2. Russia - TATU : 52 points

The world loves sleaze, and even better if it involves a pair of schoolgirls! This is such a popular result that Russia's greatest musical exports (even though they were from Germany) couldn't help but stop in and pay their tribute. Quoth the lead singer "AHAHAHAHA! HEY!"

And that only leaves one. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of Fantasy Eurovision 2009. You guessed it;

1. Sweden - Roxette : 55 points

And if you thought you had sat through 22 other acts just to see some scantily clad Swedish women writhing in celebration then you were wrong.

Let's get them out here for one more round of the winning song. Per and Marie, you crazy - and yes, hot - kids. Get out here now.



Right, that's it for this year. Direct your lawsuits to Channel 10 c/o Wobbies World Nunawading. Shall we go out on a song? Right lads and ladettes, let's hear it. Goodnight Europe.

Fantasy Eurovision 2009

(Dear readers, Last night's Eurovision was as dull as you've come to expect. No novelty songs, no classics. I'll get around to doing a write up eventually, but in it's place we now cross to the England for a version special TSP interactive event...) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wimbledon Greyhound Stadium for Europe's all time night of nights. Please welcome your host for the evening, the one and only Ugly Dave Gray. 'ere thank you very much. You know, when they rang me up and offered me the chance to host this evening I told my wife and she turned to me and said "It's going to be a special occasion. I'd like you to put me in something long and flowing". So I threw her in the river. Boom Boom. Anyway, on with the evening. The rules for Fantasy Eurovision are as follows; * No matter if the singers carked it years ago. After all we've all died on stage at one point or another. * No boring three minute limit for songs. * In the event of more than one nominee being available for the nation then the participant has been randomly drawn. Got that? Good. You know, on my way here tonight I walked past a couple a couple of flies. One looked down at the other and said "Don't look now, but your human's open" Ah ah ah ah ah ah. Err anyway. Once you're done refreshing your memory of the classic hits contained within scroll down to the bottom to cast your vote in this important contest. Viewers across the world are hanging on the results. Shall we all have a bit of a singalong then? Alright, let's have contestant #1 No, not that number one. This number one; 1. Switzerland - DJ Otzi "Hey Baby" 2. Wales - Catatonia "Road Rage" 3. East Germany - Nina Hagen "New York, NY" 4. Denmark - Aqua "Dr Jones" 5. Portugal - Rui Da Silva "Touch Me" 6. West Germany - The Real McCoy "Come and Get Your Love" 7. Italy - Albert One "Turbo Diesel" 8. Russia - TATU "All The Things She Said" 9. Iceland - The Sugarcubes "Birthday" 10. Moldova - O-Zone "Dragostea Din Tei" 11. Sweden - Roxette "Joyride" 12. Belgium - Plastic Bertrand "Ca Plane Pour Moi" 13. Northern Ireland - Feargal Sharkey "A Good Heart" 14. England - The Members "Sound of the Suburbs" 15. Norway - A-ha "The Sun Only Shines On TV" 16. Greece - Diamanda Galas "Double Barrel Prayer" 17. Spain - Las Ketchup "The Ketchup Song" 18. Netherlands - Dr. Alban "Sing Hallelujah" 19. Austria - Falco "Der Kommissar" 20. Republic of Ireland - The Pogues and the Dubliners - "Irish Rover" 21. France - Serge Gainsbourg and Bridgitte Bardot - "Bonny and Clyde" 22. Scotland - The Proclaimers "500 Miles" 23. Romania - Enigma "Sadeness Pt. 1" Wasn't that marvellous? Now for the most important part of the evening. Click here to cast your vote. While you vote let's take a look at the act that the reason we're in majestic South London tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning champions - Cats UK Results will be available after a decent period of reflection.

Ode to a Website

Since I took my first, tentative steps towards the internet in 1997 by connecting via a BBS and looking up wrestling results (this very page. I'm still confused over the logic of the Dusty Rhodes turn 11.5 years later) there are very few websites that I can claim have had any influence on my life. YouTube, Wikipedia, the aforementioned DDT Digest, redhotplumpers.com, AFL Tables....

That's about it really - everything else is just background noise and doe-eyed, scantily clad Bulgarian immigrants. However I'd like to pay tribute to the latest member of the TSP Hall of Fame. 

First, some background. Fantasy Football is nothing new. I remember owning a book in the early 90s explaining how you could set up a league with family and friends. Not surprisingly my Grade 6 classmates weren't as keen to pore over the stats and the book ended up discarded. In fact, before the internet came along footy tipping wsa king, and fantasy games were strictly for Americans or the English. Even post-internet nobody gave a rats for years, before the mid 2000s when Supercoach and Dream Team emerged. At first I paid scant regard, bizarrely choosing Jared Rivers as captain, then leaving him in the spot for about six weeks while injured.

Then along came Fan Footy and I was hooked. Being the sort of insular fan who couldn't care less about any player who didn't play for Melbourne a whole world of random players suddenly emerged. Who the in buggery is Craig Bird? No idea, but he's been in my team for two years. What sets it above every other sports site are the jaunty little icons next to players that tell you how they're performing. It's replaced the clunky AFL.com.au Game Tracker as the best place to follow a game. In an era when a player can have 30 touches and still not be anywhere near the best players in a match, it's Fan Footy that gives you the information you need to know to follow a game even if you haven't got it on the radio or TV.

[NB: The graphic originally displayed here has disappeared due to being hosted in a rubbish location. Use your imagination]/

From the 'sun' icon I can tell the top six players are all running "hot", Jack Grimes is on Brad Johnson, Cheney is rising in value, Bartram is tagging, Miller is playing badly and Warnock has a specific defensive job. Hover over any of the logos for specific stats. What else do you need to know? Sure, you need to reject the idea of having a life to get into this stuff but once you do it's addictive. Looking for the scores on your mobile in the middle of a tedious date? Staight to FF. 

The guiltiest pleasure of the whole thing is the tombstone logo. () It means somebody's copped a long term injury but seeing it is a major event. Prismall, Hille, most of the Melbourne side at one time or another, you know that logo means somebody will be gone for a long time. When Russell Robertson blew his achilles to shreds last year and I saw that on the screen in a dingy Singapore internet cafe I let out a plaintive wail. It's one thing when the radio says somebody's done their knee, but it's not true until m0nty confirms it. 

The genius of the tombstone is that in my circle of acquaintances it has passed into common usage. Somebody's broken their leg falling out of a tree, "it's a tombstone for...". Somebody's died? "Tombstones all around". In fact, I would like to think that if I snuffed it tomorrow that my death notice would read; 

 Adam 1.0  

The other notable feature of the site is the running commentary alongside the stats, most of which is seemingly written by 13-year-olds or complete lunatics. The vast majority consists of people posting as if they're actually talking directly to the player, though it's hard to work out whether Justin Sherman would actually know what "BoMbErZ-93" meant if he rolled up to him in the street and yelled "WTF SHERMAN u absolute MANCHILD". Apparently it's a compliment. 

Every game can also be relied on to have some muppet post that they made the lowest scorer on the ground their captain that week (double points) as if nobody has ever thought of that gag before. Then there's outright abuse. This afternoon "footy_wiz" was moved to say "firrito u flowering [fuck is replaced with flower, hillarity ensues - 1.0] spud, the 2 first gamers did better than you". No consideration of the fact that Firrito is richer, more famous and more chance of getting laid than anyone who has ever logged onto that website, myself included. 

This year has seen the final ascent of fantasy football to the tip of everyone's tongue. Suddenly the real footy dissectors are coming in on Monday and talking points instead of tips. The old style footy tipping, where you'd study the form for ten years and still get beaten by the work experience kid who guesses, has been dethroned. It's a good thing, even if it has been taken a bit far with Dream Team updates on the big screen at the MCG and during radio calls. Even if it has created the phenomenon of idiots in the crowd going bananas over their own team copping a goal just because it's come from one of their players. 

 It'll play itself out over the next couple of years and everyone will get sick of it again but it's a wild ride while it lasts - and as far as I'm concerned Fan Footy is the best thing about it. In fact, as they might say , ,  

P.S - If I win my work comp this year I'm going to run into the office, throw Gatorade over myself in celebration and dedicate the victory to m0nty

Good God

 

"There is a nip in the air" he says. "I love Australia for Australians". Why are you rapping then you old crunt? 

This was so bad it couldn't even chart in 1992 in a year when 2 Unlimited, Right Said Fred and Dannii Minogue were riding high in the Top 40. Pure horror.

Bank of Horror

Everyone mocks me for parking my money with Bank of Queensland, but the distinct lack of customers has an advantage in being able to eavesdrop on other customers. 

This was a particuarly cringeworthy exchange between Horny Customer (HC) - a trady sort in a singlet - and Attractive Teller (AT) - an, err, attractive teller. 

HC - How are you?
AT - Oh not good, I'm sick 

HC - Oh yeah, I noticed you weren't here last week. 

AT - I'm getting better now 

HC - *laughing* It wasn't that AIDS was it? *silence* 

HC - I had that once. Ha ha. Got rid of it, gave it to somebody else. *long silence* 

*Adam tries to remain upright whilst feeling the need to fall to the floor*

*still silence* 

AT - So....... what can I help you with today? 

Supremely inappropriate. Gentlemen, remember that line next time you're trying to woo a special lady.

Sunday Video Classix

It's been a while, but where better to start off again than with the medieval stylings of Men Without Hats? Apparently they could dance if they wanted. Often through a medieval English field if the video is anything to go by. Which was strange considering they were Canadian. There was definately a sense of adventure involved, and not just because he was associating with a midget. Or assaulting a midget as the case may be. No, the Men With Hats were all about wandering through a field aimlessly. Whilst doing this they would find... ... a random blonde woman who has one line in the entire song but who you can't avoid for the next two minutes. So, off the disturbing three-way of Hatless Man, midget and random woman skipped off into the distance. Where there was much leaping, prancing and method acting. And a midget in the band t-shirt. Extra points for ignoring the otherwise ye olde setting just to sneak some merch into the clip. Sadly no records are available of the sales of the shirts after this video, but I'm willing to bet that even if they couldn't match up to Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine (pre traffic shenanigans) they would have comfortably beat Collette's "Ring My Bell" range in stores for Christmas. As dodgy as the acting is in this clip - and a simple screenshot won't explain anything - it's almost ludicrous enough to work. Also ludicrous is a troupe of Morris Dancers suddenly invading the town on masse for more leaping, dancing and heathen behaviour. There's another one.. And here's what you've been waiting for. The actual Safety Dance itself. Doesn't look particuarly safe to me so you'll have to take their word for it. In fact when you watch the video it appears to involved very quick and angular moves of the arms which could take somebody out in a crowded room so I'd check with your OH&S rep before you try any of this shit in the office on Monday. General medieval shenanigans. More medie... hold on, what the fuck is that! Even the midget starts to get confused as he tries to poke his normal sized friend in the cock with a mandolin. The exact same pose in which the director came up with the concept for this clip after waking up on somebody's couch at 4.30 in the morning with two pizzas and a surprisingly well-used bong perching precariously on top of him. Here's one for those of you 'playing' at home who want another picture of the girl. And in case it's your go here's another shot of the chicken mask. It's certainly mine. What do you make of this video Mr. Without Hat? Oh, and how about the prospect of another hit single? Fair enough. Less joyous is the live version where they suddenly decide they're Bauhaus. See you in 12 months!

TITLE goes here

You have to go a bloody long way to find any team I follow seriously winning anything but here we are:  

 Now only one division separates us from the Football League and real action. Dizzy stuff. Consider that in 1990 we played Luton Town in the (now) Premier League and 20 years down the track we're playing them in the fifth division. We had our club stolen and they had theirs destroyed from the inside - and here we are together again. 

Ahh.. Everything is alright with the world until 4.40 this afternoon when the other member of "the big two" get stuffed by 200 points.

A history of invention

Back when I was young, stupid and creative I used to invent new things all the time. Sadly none of them were in any way earth shattering, or in fact any good at all, so I conveniently avoided become a multi-millionare before my 13th birthday. During the years 1993 and 1994 I had a glory era for inventing sports which, frankly, I'm appalled have never been adopted by the IOC. 

A) No Rules Soccer

Now, the name is a bit misleading but we were young and tended to oversimplify things. You couldn't handball or attack the goalkeeper but otherwise were welcome to do as you liked. There was some sort of unspoken gentleman's agreement against going too far, but it was still a quality hybrid of football and Ice Hockey. 

Big hits and hip and shoulders were the order of the day on Malvern Oval for months. Over time people even created pro-wrestling style gimmick characters. Witness, for instance, the kid obsessed with Dragonball who carried a tennis ball in his pocket and would deploy it as required. A carefully aimed throw at the back of the legs could disarm a potential attacking move, but a poor throw could mean having to scramble to recover it - or even worse have it fall into the hands of the enemy. Other bonuses of the "jumpers for goalposts" playing field were the complete lack of boundaries (unless you somehow managed to shank one onto High Street), and the fact that you could play a ball from behind the goals to a teammate waiting on the other side to gleefully smash it home. Cue wild set pieces and the additional tension for the keeper of having to defend in two directions. Eventually people find better things to do and the handful of loyalists left went back to the ludicrously slanted and deadly ashphalt field within the school. It was truly the end of the era. 

B) Unnamed Contact Sport 

It was Grade 6, cricket was the most boring sport ever invented, there was no space to play footy, and we'd been banned from soccer against the Grade 5s because every lunchtime ended in a riot where somebody was hit with a stick. The little shits deserved it. So, 10 or 15 underage and bloodthirsty children were left with nothing to do. 

Enter late night television and a showing of The Running Man that I should never have been allowed to stay up and watch. This inspired a combination of Rugby, Capture The Flag and homicide. Two teams would line up at either end of the school and a ball would be left somewhere in between. The rules were extremely simple. Find the ball and rush it into the opposition base by any means necessary by the end of lunchtime. 45 minutes of chaos and an afternoon of post-match analysis in class were sure to follow. 

Of course it never really worked out. Despite a number of innovative tactics such as decoy runners, false intelligence, and the clever use of innocent bystanders which organically sprang up over its short life nobody ever actually scored. After a few games it became clear that once the ball was lost you just had to set up a defensive wall in front of your base and fight to the death to make sure nobody got through. Given more time I'm convinced these tactics would have been exposed by rapid counter attacking and/or SAS style commando raids over walls, but it never happened. 

One lunchtime couldn't settle the score, and despite my best attempts at creating teams with logos and theme songs everyone wanted to start again the next day because so-and-so was off sick and he was supposed to be on their team so sadly the sport withered and died before even being named. After a particuarly brutal match where somebody was bodyslammed outside the school library the authorities stepped in to put a halt to the carnage. Lacking the rebel streak to continue underground Fight Club style, the punters went their seperate ways and it was never spoken off again. To fill the void left by an end to meaningless violence I started stealing things. 

C) Skiffing

Now, this was pure stupidity. After a summer of cricket where every lunchbreak would cut to 18-foot yachting on Sydney Harbour Bay there was legitimate buzz for the sport in our parts. Mainly because censors struggled to contain crews using the foulest language outside of SBS. How we laughed when Rob Brown on Prudential got clocked by a Sydney Ferry and almost died. To understand the concept of this new and exciting extreme sport you have to study the art of the skiff, especially the hanging off the side of the boat into mid-air.

Our reckless version was to find the highest railing you could and hang off it in the style of Club Marine or Nokia. The more disturbed members of the skiffing community took this to extremes and started hanging backwards off the railing outside our third floor Year 7 classroom. To get maximum skiffing cred you also had to bounce around while holding the railing, so here was So there Nutcase McLooneytunes, with nowt but death awaiting him if he let go, hovering over the void with no concern whatsoever. 

How he didn't neck himself I'm not sure, but it was certainly the end of the sport. Like Alexander the Great weeping because he could conquer no more lands we wept (not really, you would have been bashed) for there were no higher railings to skiff from. Ever since the world record skiff performance I've had a phobia about watching other people standing, setting, whatever near edges where they might plummet. Can I sue the school even if it was because of something I created? 

 The real 18ft series would, for all intents and purposes, die in the arse when Channel 9 came up with the Cricket Show and now appears to be nothing more than a front for some restaurant in Darling Harbour. Vale. 

Then there was Downball. Not my creation by any stretch of the imagination, but an important part of childhood nonetheless. Now I'm sure this game is played somewhere under another name with similar rules but I can't find mention of it anywhere. Wikipedia refers to Downball as a variety of something called 'Australian Handball' which is played on a court and bears to resemblance whatsoever to our version which took place against any sort of wall with a flat, hard surface beneath it. 

The official website for their version of the sport - oh yes, it has one - shows people in gigantic walled uber-squash courts (think of a Jai A'lai fronton) hitting a tiny rubber ball from a mile away. My school did have a couple of these giganti-courts but none of them were being used for downball. Singles and doubles play was available and the concept was to hit the tennis ball into the wall after making it hit the ground first. First person to not be able to get it back on one bounce loses the point. 

Fairly simple concept, but the best had their trademark tricks. Instead of standard palm strikes the grandmasters would wait for the ball to drop as low as possible before hitting it with an open hand, causing the ball to skim low and force an opponent to risk grazed knuckles trying to chase it down. Many times we saw a plucky competitor playing on with blood pissing everywhere only to run to the school nurse at the bell and complain that they were mortally wounded to get out of afternoon maths. 

 It was first to six with a two advantage and the winner stayed on. I was quite good in my day, nowhere near the best but a respectable contender - top ten for sure. The only problem was that there was no top ten. No rankings at all. I tried to rectify this sad scenario with the introduction of tournament play and ATP style rankings but it went well over the head of less spectrumy kids. 

Then we all discovered softcore porn and the era of innovation ended rapidly. God forbid they'd had the internet then it would have been all over.

Youtubular Bells.

Whatever did we do before YouTube? How many fewer obscure music videos, 1980s wrestling interviews, and clips of people smacking themselves in the plums would I have watched without it? 4,727 apparently if their stats are anything to go by. 

In this time I've chosen several videos as 'favourites'. Take out the music videos (even the ones that do make me sweat) this is what we're left with.  

Key Moment: 0.00 when the jauntiest slide whistle ever in played and Mrs. Jackson struts to the checkout to be confronted by a giant paper bag. And why do they spell 'hello' as 'hullo'?

 

Key Moment: Pam's supreme comic timing at 0.16. A surprise considering that her acting in the rest of the ad is dubious at best. Call me sick but I think she's kind of hot in this ad - in a sort of 80s permed way.

   

Key Moment: So many, so little time. 0.27 - "Max doughys in the gravel at Lidcombe staysh", 1.00 - "tell us about your best mate Kev", 1.47 - "What drugs.. don't Trent like", 2.14 - "mum works pretty hard.. a lot of cock for cash". Sure it's probably fake but I like to convince myself that it's not. If it's not then Trent and Kev deserve their own sitcom. If it is, the people who wrote the script for this do. Make sure to visit the Trent online store and get your "I CLIMBED THE FENCE AT BASS HILL DRIVE IN" bumper sticker for the recession busting price of $9 US.  

Key Moment: 1.56 - "Heartthrob! You got that Vegas Leglock! You don't need no dropkick. To be an escaped convict" Doesn't rhyme in the slightest but they get away with it. Here's to amateur tributes to early 80's wrestlers sort of to the tune of Wild Thing.  

Key Moment: 0.00 - That theme song. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's the sound of somebody hitting a radiator try and attract attention because they've just been kidnapped by somebody who is starting up a power drill. It's great at Wobbies World. Please note also at 0.12 that they foresee the Vermont South tram extension by a full 14 years.  

Key Moment 0.50 - "Man with a box of killer bees. God knows what it all means. It's dizzy stuff. Joy Buttress" Completely incomprehensible if you weren't there. Good times.

 

Key Moment: 0.58 when the plucky Sri Lankan has his plums rattled for the second time in two - err - balls and hits the deck in agony. 

Fonejacker - Jimmy Jon in Full The crunting poltroons won't let you embed this one. Just click it. Key Moment: 1.14 - "You know how many ikea beds I've br-oken? Mid pump. You wouldn't fucking believe it" or 1.55 "I fuckin' rock! I'm insane!"  

A great man, taken before his time. No key moments, just get into it. Now with added Ann Wills.

   

Key Moment: 0.10 - the first appearance of the gigantic pencil.  

Key Moment: 0.02 - PRC and a giant chicken in a rare instance where he didn't lose the plot and say fuck a lot.

   

And here's where he does. Key Moment: 0.09 - "G'day! I've been invited to something special. Get fucked.

   

Key Moment: 0.16 - "I'm payin' money!"  

Key Moment: 0.11 - The giant frying pan being dragged onto the ground and Lou Richards uttering the immortal phrase "It's interchange salt and pepper!" Finishes with a nostalgic shot of the Waverley Park scoreboard which reveals that Fitzroy should won the egg cup but had to settle for a draw (and eventually oblivion) by shit kicking

.  

Key Moment: 0.13 - the payoff to the gag.  

Key Moment: Everything from 1.21 onwards. Makes me want to throw things at the wall in celebration. Please the words of D. Commetti at 5.36 - "they're going long to the square and they're kicking goals". More of the same in '09 please. Sadly the Sydney Footy Tab ad from the 1980's where they admitted that betting on the footy used to be illegal has been removed. Thank god we still have a screenshot of their award winning logo;

   

 Best slogan ever. How could that offend anyone? It was a mighty jingle.

Remember The Titans (TV Weak Edition)

New to this blogging caper? New to this blog? Bullshit, I know you're exactly the same people that were reading three years ago and that you remember the glorious 2006 "Hotdogs 4 Gold" logie awards campaign. Need a recap? Fair enough; * Hotdogs was some slop merchant off Big Brother who, despite the handicap of not having a real name, ended up hosting one of the first late night moneymaking scams quiz shows on Australian television. He was also fined for apparently being noshed off by a groupie outside a Brisbane pub, but who's going to hold that against him? * Somebody who was definately not in any way related to me discovered that in those innocent times the "unique" voting code that TV Week expected you to get off the front cover of their magazine to vote was actually in no way "unique", and that they simply started at a certain point and counted up one-by-one. * Several people pointed this flaw in the system out and - let's face it this is where THEY probably went a bit wrong - invited punters to exploit this to vote early, vote often and vote a million times for the popular late night quiz show host. * A successful media campaign led to coverage in the mainstream press for the campaign. This led to TV Weak calling the lawyers in and issuing cease and desist letters to the key players. You will note from the following that they never actually said they had an issue with the exposure of the flaws in the voting system; “By the unauthorised use of our client’s logo and the inclusion of a link to the TV Week online voting site, the website implies an association with TV Week. Such conduct is in breach of Section 53 of the Trade Practices Act.” So theoretically we.. err they could just have removed the logo and the link and everything would have been alright - but who's going to risk getting hauled over the coals for a novelty action? * Rumors abounded that there were so many votes for Hotdogs that TV Weak (who are, in no way connected with the popular television publication of a similar name) employed people to specifically pick out the votes for him - whether they were legitimate or not. * One of the presenters made mention of it during the ceremony (!) but we never heard of the campaign, or Hotdogs himself ever again. Lest they ever be lost, let's remember some of the great moments of the "Hot Dogs 4 Gold" campaign. (Right click and view image because I'm too lazy to resize) After the Herald Scum turned on the campaign shortly after their friends the lawyers stepped in. For legal reasons I can't explain this one. But this was the shot that replaced anything with the TV Weak logo or their pissy statue in it. Thanks Judge Ito. So, why the reminiscing? Well, apparently stacking the TV Weak awards is back in fashion - and encouraged; INTERNATIONAL celebrities have joined fans in a campaign to farewell Neighbours veteran Ian Smith with a gold Logie. Smith has been the most consistent neighbour as Harold Bishop for more than 22 years and finally exits the soap on Friday. And with friends like the faded 1980s popstar Rick Astley and the now happily grey Tom Jones, who can stop him? Both have sent best wishes for his retirement and have backed an I Heart Harold gold Logie campaign being run on the Neighbours website. "I was never going to give you up but you're off anyway - best of luck," Astley said. Jones said, "Harold, good luck in the future from me, Tom Jones - we're gonna miss you." Australian Idol judge Dicko said, "Twenty years ... Shapelle Corby got less. Mate, you deserve the gold Logie, I'm voting." I just hope they've tightened their voting code process in the last few years.. otherwise it might be time for the return of the Dog three years too late..

TSP's Corporate Love Day Spectacular 2009

"Love", the Captain and Tenille claimed, "will keep us together". However the Rolos ad once said "Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars". Who are we to believe? Given that Rolos are quite tasty, and that the Captain's real name was actually Daryl Dragon I'm going to have to learn towards the chocolates on this one. 

So, it's in this spirit of resistance that we launch into TSP's annual look at the best and worst - but mainly the worst - of the Herald Sun "Book of Love". I'm reading the lot and filtering out the boring so you don't have to. Unfortunately they've only managed to muster up 16 pages of terror this year. This may be due to one, or more of the following; a) It's a Saturday b) The world economic crisis c) Post-disaster sensitivity, d) People realising that it's a grandstanding waste of money. Anyway, on with the show.. 

Mystifying Messages 

AAZZ, Ron. Georgio-Edwarni, Rumple. I can't wait to marry u. Love always, Brookie, Chicken 

AFFY. YOU ARE the lub ob my life. Thanks for being the beth hufbayan in the woyald. What tine da tennith finis? Lots of Lub Cowatty an the Lewsh 

AMELIE PROUD. A beautiful baby Angel currently under the loving guidance of Angels Mother Angela, Aunty Casey and Nanna Lesley 

ARTHUR (TAPPER). We know we dont' say it often enough but we really do LOVE YOU - Your 3 Joujoukes xxx 

ASHLEY I DIDNT SEND YOU A ROSE AS I KNEW IT WOULD FADE IN YOUR SHADOW LOVE DANIEL 

ATSOT W T M M Y E L A B PIZZA PIE (17 PRAWNS) T AMORE BIATCHS 

ANG, Whitney, Nurul, Rach n Erin. Happy Valentine's Day Me LOVE U all my Bitches Love Pru 

BUBBY You may sometimes annoy the crap out of me, but I couldn't live without your cheeky smile, your smelly farts and your bottom pinching 

BUNCHIE Bunchie. .bunch. .brunchie. .brunch. . 

CHOO BUNCHIE!!!! Love forever Cheeks xxxx 

BURGER-BOY My dearest Grill'd Patty - there's only you in my life, you're the one thing that's bright, my first love, your every breath I take, you're every step I make... you're juicy Patty.. your tasty buns, you're my endless love. Sorry to be so Cheesy 

CARMY - My 1940 Love Machine Endearing Love Always ..... Your 1938 R Rat 

COWATT how bout we go for a shnitzel tonight 

DANIELLE Happy Valentine's Day i love you heaps and heaps love your german sausage haha 

DEANNA My Chooky No Pong (Gwonji No Pong) Blue Bird.. We get marraged soon! Ululu 4 eva Dear John Anthony your a spunk, and I luv you, have a awesome day campdrafting! buggar ya but I luv ya. Kick some butt your wife Jois 

FATIMA My Portuguese love goddess. You ding my dong 

GARY H.A 78 GEORGE SHAGGER 15th Valentine's message 4 u. 8 years hitchen. Still luv getting dirty in da ditch wit u Hairy munkee wuvs you xxx HERMIE. You have showered me with your gifts and love since our first date at KFC J For my sex little chicken bum face. Happy Valentine's Day Piaow Piaow with you anytime baby. 

JACKIE your the most beautiful women I have ever meet especially whilst your pregnant 

JESS W.... Little Ghost in my Gothic loneliness I still dream old dreams of your wide child's eyes. A vision of unspeakable loveliness from a world lost. 

JORT - Hope you have a great day. Say hi to Laser. Look forward to our next SBS session 

KEZ, When you hold the Ozzie Open with balls going to and fro, you tend to make a racquet, when you are serving like a pro. A hard fought rally, with good stroke play, will end in deuce, at the end of play. Your second serve is a sensation. "My Ace", you deserved the standing ovation. Love-all, Mick's Doubles 

KRISTIAN My Scorpion. How could I ever be your real Sub zero

MA MAN - Sexy Cwordy. You big bully, you fink you good because you sexy. You gonna get it 

MALADY Chuck Norris is why Wally's hiding. You're not made of wood. Neither am I...... Safety 

MARK-WHITE I am Pot Committed. Me, you, Jack and Buddy are such a happy Force not even Edward could break through!

MCMOOSE No More Sorrys. Eye Wub Ewe Berry Muich - Maggot 

MY DARLING SEAHORSE I STILL LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL. YOUR ARCTIC PUFFIN SNUFFLY-FACE! 6 words.. I neva wanna b apart again. Bet u $2, dis yr will be da best, chuck out da 

WREST! Luv ur guts infinaty toz ur looking fine in 09 TG!!! How about a safari sans tonies - I'll bring the rhino?? 

TO RED HEN Take a bottle of red to where the trains don't go then plant a yellwo rose and together we'll grow TRAIN me 2 CONDUCT myself B4 I fall off TRACK. I want 2 B in a BRN BNeath U, so let's go LOCO! ENJOY THE RIDE!! WOOMPF IM NUTS ABOUT U. I EVEN LOVE U MORE THAN MY ALE 

Sickening Nicknames 

Baby Girl
Bad-Girl
Batgirl
Booba
Boobsbear
Bumface
Cheesepuff
CheekyMonkey
Cheesy Doodie
Chicken-Lover
Chicken Nugget
Cookie Darling pooks
Duk Duk
Fat Boy
Fish Schnoz
Flower Boy
Fluffy
Fruitingle
Funny Chicken
Golly bug
Hairy Monster
Hot Coals Babe
Hubba Bubba Lava-Flow boy
Little baby duck
Little Nut Brown Hare
Littlemog
Miss Mt. Dandy my schnogims
Pee Pee Princess Chooch Bug Puddymonster
Pumpkin (x5000 like nobody's ever thought of that before.) 
Sexy sugar bum
Sweet cheeks
Sweet little chickon ur hot wog ur wombat
Wabsy
Your Makka Pakka Boof
your nawty girl
Your snausage 

Advertising Genius Section
Bottom of Page 46 - NOTHING SAYS I LOVE YOU LIKE A HUMMER BRITNEY I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Zac www.scopevic.org.au

KATIE I know now giving you the vacuum cleaning last year was not romantic. I have given a donation to Scope in your name to support people with disabilities. Tax deductible too! Am I forgiven? Love Adam www.scopevic.org.au (Did you see what they did there? There's two more - would have cost them a bit.)

STIHL LOVINGLY YOURS To our devoted Stihl Stated and Territory Managers, words can't express how amazing the last few days have been. We're totally dedicated to each and everyone of you, seriously. You're all we could have ever hoped for. Forever yours - The Stihl Marketing Team 

Celebrity Action 

AL CAPONE. 80 Years Ago Today, You Took My Breath Away - Bugs Moran
ANDREW O'K. Please choose me and you can ride in my side car. Deal or No deal? - Julia NSW
DEAREST WILMA Unparalleled passion joins unmistakable laughter. Unrelenting ambitions meets unwavering faith. Love - Fred
MEATLOAF Do you love me, will you love me forever? As I will love you forever
ST. KILDA FOOTBALL CLUB Be my Valentine and win the '09 Premiership 

Special Tribute to Barb Dawson section
BARB DAWSON. Even if you are a Maggies fan, work is still the funnest with you around. Love Brent. GO BLUES!
BARB "SAUCY" DAWSON * Thanks for making work such a spicy event! You are a champ! Go Hawks Love - Nick 

Rotten Poetry
ADORED CHIMERA The clouds and veils have slipped away with time and all that remains is our love exposed... naked and radiant. More than ever. Sigh. The Accountant 

ANNIE G I fell in love right from the start. Right up to now you hold my heart. You're full of love, warmth and grace. You make the world a better place. You tried so hard to make me see. The much better person I could be. For so long you have been my wife. I hope I haven't lost you from my life. I can see it all so very clear. Things you thought I didn't hear. If feels you are so far away. Wish I could hold your hand today. As I tried to work things through. I realise how much I admire you. I will always love you. 

APRIL Let the sky shatter, The Earth split in two. What if she loved me, I could make it through 

BABG To my wife and darling Valentine. Remember all will turn out fine. I love you more and more each day Even though I'm turning grey. The years seem to be going so fast But my love for you will always last. There are time the kids and I often gloat, But not when we were on that bloody boat. My final thought to give you delight. If won't be long till your on that flight 

BECKY I love you as much As an Italian man loves a Ferrari. Computer nerd loves their Atari. Like a Portuguese sausage is spicy and hot. Me me dance the fire hydrant dance like a robot. Rainbows to a little cuddle puppy. Or a cafe latte is to a yuppy. A joke is to Russell Brand. Group to a Band. Quattro Digici to San Rocco. Tradie taking a smoko. A goofy mug to a Spandy 

BRENDEN You are my favourite ranga. I'm sorry if I sometimes harangue ya. Maybe for dinner I'll make you a salad sanga. And then afterwards... you'll let me do the dishes 

DELI CHICK Each day my love for you grows stronger, this I know is true. Can't wait to get my next 400 grams of meat from you 

GREG MCYUMMY Sorry for staring, can't stop thinking about you. I bet you have a good rbain, and a nice mid wicket too 

JUSTEN Angles come from Heaven. Princes from frogs. You make me so happy, Coz I'm your KELLOGGS xox :-) (Yes, they really did say Angles) 

KBILLY The sun made us all red The fijian water was blue the best wedding in the world was when I married you. 

LEEROY BROWN You're the icing on my cake You're my one pan dinner You're the pickle on my cheeseburger You're a bit of ALRIGHT! 

TERRY (HAIRY MONSTER Roses are red, violets are Blue About what happened in Thailand I'm still a bit cross with you. You could however, make it up to me If you went to Prada or Gucci. Amazingly though I still love you I don't know why but it's always true 

Pisstake Central
INTERNET, THANK you for such a beautiful relationship over the past 16 years... We love you! Internode
INTERNODE I love that you are naked, I love that you're extreme, I love it when I listen to your unmetered radio stream. I love that you support me. I love that you go fast. It's lal because of Internode that dialup's in the past! With all my love The Internet 

Stalkers Corner
ALBERT PARK BEACH BABE I met you last Sat after leaving the beach at the shop on Vic Ave. We said hello at the counter, Dior sunnies, H20 in hand and my fruit, then you vanished. Hoping to meet you again. 

BEACH BOY AMELIA. What's new pussycat? Happy Birthday for next week. I placed it in here as I thought there was more chance of you seeing it than on the day. It's been a few years and things in my life have made me think of you recently. I truly hope that you are very happy 

BRENDA from NYE I miss your kiss. How do I find u? I never got ur number. Frank xxx 

BRENT Jasinski .. I'm sorry that things have ended this way. Despite everything, I will always love you because you gave me th emost precious thing in this world, our son, Brodie. I hope one day we can be friends for his sake. Love - Sarah xx 

BRIAN H Call me if you can.. One of these days 

BUTTNS. I miss you. It's so hard to contact or see you. Love - The Gov xxx 

C, My hands miss you, too. I often wonder how your life worked out. Find me on Facebook 

CAROLINE 'LITTLE ONE' I love you and miss you morning, noon and night even when I ride my bike I hope that one day soon you might see that I am still Mr. Right your personal shinning Knight I made some errors and at times I was a terror but know this as true it was because of my love for you. When I do things without you its not the same and that's a big shame - being with you is simply the best - I fell in love with you when we first met. I love you now and will love you for eternity Please find out all the facts and truth so I can shout I love you from the top of roof Forgive me Little One I simply adore a love you<.i> 

CHIKOO, I miss u, ur my heart and soul. I'm incomplete withouy u. ur happiness is more important

CHRISTIAN You fix all the broken and sick ponies. You are so serious, so gorgeous and sometimes so grumpy. Have you even noticed me? Will you ever call? Or will I always be your secret admirer 

DAN Met you 3 weeks ago would love to see you again. Happy Valentine's Day - Mads. 

DANIELA met you at Provincial Fri 2nd Jan, the ph no. is wrong. If it was an error and you're interested be outside your locat this wed 18th @ 7pm for the special palma night :-) 

EMMA Dedicate "Always" by Bon Jovi . Had time to think since Oct. 16 when we were last together. Deeply sorry, miss you 

EMMA IN my 39yrs, the greatest moment was meeting you, the worst moment was losing you. I promise never ever to hurt you, only to love you with all that I have. One chance is all I need, to prove myself to you and your entire family. I want my forever with you. I'm sorry it's taken me 9yrs to realise that you are my REAL THING. With every day that passes, that's one less day I have with you. Trust your heart, trust our love, bust most of all, trust me. I LOVE YOU GIRAFFE you are my everything, can we pretty please get back together? Love monkey xxx 

HENRY B You're better now, wrong drugs they gave you Oct. Made you do stupid crazy things. Not your fault. I forgive you. Should have told her, should have told friends. So full of life. Now full of sadness 

JODIE W In the year 2000 you turned my world upside town! I grew real close to you, but you broke my heart when you went overseas. My feelings were genuine and it hurt the most when you didn't believe me. I haven't seen you since, but I still think of you. You are and will always be unforgettable 

MY 'Holden (V8) Man' My 'Precious Pain'! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Sorry by one million for what happened 23 years ago (28.01.1986) to be precise! I told you I would be back, 'cos as I told you on that day, I will never love another the way 'I LOVE YOU!' One day in the future (hopefully before dementia, senility or death, and in this lifetime???) I shall whisk you away overseas to 'Paris' (Mile High Club??? if we're not too old!) and MARRY YOU!! I shall then get drunk with delight with you at my side FOREVER. See you then, talk soon??? - 'Ford (V8) Girl' xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo :) P.S - I am ready to answer those 2 or 3 questions you have for me 

SUSAN H Seat 1C JQ166 11 Feb. Can not stop thinking of you. Love to hear from you 

TAMMY I'm very sorry for everything. I hope we'll be friends again someday 

Just Plain Creepy 

A My son, my sweetheart, my world. You may be one expensive little model, but I cherish every moment. With your beautiful nature and that charismatic way. Just gorgeous. Love always - Mum 

BARRY M - aka Daddy. Today Tomorrow Forever all my love. YER. Your Wife Kim xoxo

BOOMBI MASTER wishes you a happy Valentine's Day. I love you and want you. Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 

HUSSLER. Hope you get a hole in one and enjoy your weekend playing golf 

MERRYN Dear Mum, I hope you like this. I love you and I want a smoochy woochy 

STUDY I've loved you from 'that moment' in the shower 

And that, my friends, is that. Good luck in getting a leg over to celebrate the day.